Chapter 37
The aftermath of that decision was strangely anticlimactic. They stood there for a little while, staring at each other. ...and then, they went back to work. They finished painting the trim, Abby ordered dinner, and Tim called Ducky and told him he would be staying the night with Abby. They ate dinner together...and then, went out on the patio in the back and sat together as the sun headed for the horizon. There was very little conversation, and perhaps they should have talked more...but they didn't. No, they sat together with Jethro happily lying between them on the ground, remembering how it felt to be in the same place at the same time...with the same intentions.
When the last rays of the sun vanished beneath the horizon, they got up together and went back inside. Tim hesitated but Abby took his hand and led him up the stairs to their bedroom. It was strange, but they fell into their old patterns, their routine, as they got ready for bed. Abby stood in front and washed her face as Tim brushed his teeth standing behind her. She stepped to the side to dry her face as he leaned over the sink to wash out his mouth. Then, they switched places. It was their routine.
With a couple of exceptions.
Tim's pillows weren't hidden and buried. They were mixed in with Abby's pillows. So he silently picked them out and then shoved all of Abby's onto her side of the bed. She grinned at him and shoved all of them but two onto the floor.
"Why do we have so many pillows? There's no way we'll ever need them all," Tim said.
"It looks nice."
"But we're the only ones who come in here."
"I know."
Tim gave up. That was something he didn't think he'd ever understand...but he didn't think he needed to, either. That was one thing he could accept he just didn't get.
He wasn't sure about getting into bed with Abby, though. It was something that made him nervous...just because he was still afraid of letting himself believe that this was real. Abby sat down on her side.
"You ready, Tim?" she asked.
"I don't know," Tim admitted.
She held out her hand.
"Tim?"
Tim took a breath and lay down on the bed. Abby didn't speak. She raised her eyebrows, silently asking if she could come over. Tim nodded, trying to feel that sense of abandon he'd touched when he'd kissed Abby earlier that day. Abby slid over next to him. Another breath and Tim put his arms around Abby, letting her cuddle up next to him. She lay her head on his chest.
"I love hearing your heart beating," she whispered. "I sleep best when I can hear it."
Tim didn't reply. So far, he wasn't feeling as relaxed as would be necessary to sleep. He knew Abby would notice that, but she wasn't saying anything about it. He was grateful. He needed to adjust to holding Abby again.
As they lay in bed, Tim began stroking Abby's arm. The motion calmed him down. Being able to touch her so gently meant something to him.
"Thank you, Tim," Abby whispered softly into the darkness.
That was all.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim awakened alone in bed, on his side, facing the wall. Abby wasn't lying on him any longer, meaning that she had already got up. The sun was up. Jethro was probably up. Tim felt like he was the only one still in bed in the whole world...as ridiculous as he knew that idea was.
"Tim? Are you awake?"
Tim rolled over and was surprised to see Abby sitting cross-legged on her side of the bed.
"Good morning," she said.
Tim smiled. "How long have you been up?"
"About half an hour."
"Have you been sitting there the whole time?"
Abby nodded.
"Why?"
"Well, I didn't want to wake you up. I figured you were tired. ...and besides...I like watching you sleep."
"Why?"
"You're just...nice to watch. You're so relaxed."
Tim sat up. "You're saying I'm not relaxed when I'm awake?"
"Not most of the time."
Tim nodded. "Yeah. You're right. I always feel like I'm...on display...too much at work. I'm probably too sensitive."
"That's okay. Are you ready for breakfast?"
"Yeah. You ready to do more painting?"
"I'm ready to see the walls and the ceiling," Abby said. "Can we just snap our fingers and have it be done?"
"Doesn't work like that."
"I know. Too bad," Abby said with a grin.
Tim smiled in reply and got up. "What's for breakfast?"
"Cereal?"
"Wow. Gourmet, huh?"
"Nothing but the best."
"Great. I'll get dressed."
Abby bounced off the bed and out of the room, leaving Tim by himself to think. He looked around the bedroom. It didn't quite feel like home yet. He didn't feel like a stranger, but it was a bit different. He liked Abby's efforts, and he was glad the duvet was getting used...but it was different. One thing he did like was the wedding pictures Abby had hung up. He couldn't think, now, why they hadn't done it before. They had both agreed that these pictures were the best of the official wedding photos. Why not use them? ...but they hadn't.
Tim got dressed in grubby clothes and went downstairs. As he walked down, he paused, thinking about how he'd felt on the first day, heading for the kitchen for a confrontation. The funny thing was that he had thought he couldn't possibly feel any worse...and yet, compared to that first day, he had sunk quite a bit lower. In the kitchen, Abby had been trying so hard to pretend that she was doing everything right...when everything was just wrong.
...and now, they were both admitting that things were wrong...and they were trying to make them right, in some cases, for the first time since they'd known each other.
He had known, finally, that there was no way they could keep going on as they were. What he hadn't realized was that there were many things that couldn't go on. What Abby had done, the way they had tiptoed around the issues, Tim now realized that those were only the tip of the iceberg in the problems they'd had with all that they needed to fix. They were only the most obvious of the problems.
Tim sat down on the steps and thought about the other time he'd been standing here in this place...after he'd lost everything else. Standing there, staring down at Tony who had come, hat in hand, seeking forgiveness for his role in what had transpired. Tim had appreciated the gesture, although with his near death coming very shortly after that gesture, he hadn't really thought much about it at the time. What he had told Tony later on, that he couldn't keep hating Tony but he found it difficult to forgive him...that had been only partly true. It was a lot more that Tim was scared of the idea of trusting Tony or Ziva or especially Gibbs in anything beyond whatever was directly linked to their jobs. They were good investigators, but that was all as far as Tim was concerned. He had allowed himself to think that they were friends as well as coworkers and he couldn't do that again. While he appreciated the fact that they were making attempts to demonstrate their regret, that regret could easily be chalked up to simple humanity. It didn't have to relate at all to any desire for friendship.
Tim could believe that Tony and Ziva truly regretted what had happened and what they had thought, but he couldn't see that translating to friendship. They didn't need to be friends. They just needed to be coworkers. Once he was out in the field again, once he was back to work, things would go back to normal. He just wouldn't be deluding himself anymore.
...and Gibbs. He could believe that Gibbs, once he knew that what he had thought was wrong, had genuinely wished he hadn't done it. ...but that didn't get rid of the fact that he had done it in the first place. No. Gibbs would never have regretted it otherwise. It had likely taken him being given absolute proof before he had even considered that he might be wrong, that Abby might not have been the injured party. So...no. There was no reason to strive for anything more than distant, professional respect.
Tim thought again about Abby. He was glad that they seemed to be making some progress. In a way, it seemed as though the act of working together on a project, spending time together...it was opening up his mind to the possibility of things working out. Would it truly happen? He could now admit that he hoped so. Abby did seem different than she'd been. ...a bit overly-concerned with hearing his opinion, but still, she seemed to care about what he thought. That was new...and appreciated.
"Tim?"
Tim looked up at the sound of Abby's voice.
"Coming, Abbs."
He got to his feet and thumped the rest of the way down the stairs. Jethro barked and ran out of the kitchen, winding himself around Tim's legs. Tim grinned and pet him.
"Good morning, Jethro. Miss me?"
Abby laughed. "He's definitely missed you."
Tim looked up at her. "I've missed him, too. Breakfast?"
"Nothing special. Just cold cereal."
"What kind?"
Abby's smile widened. "It's a surprise."
...which meant Tim knew exactly what to expect. The cereal he always picked out. He followed Abby into the kitchen with Jethro acting like a puppy until he calmed him down.
Sure enough. A box of his favorite dinosaur cereal was sitting out. To his surprise, though, it had already been opened. Abby didn't really care for his choice of cereal.
"Have I converted you?" he asked.
"I was lonely," Abby admitted. "I was looking for anything that reminded me of you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was sleeping with your pillows on the bed. I...I didn't like being in the house without you, Tim."
Tim sat down beside her.
"Did you miss me?" Abby asked.
"I missed...what I had thought we had. I was too upset for a lot of the time."
Abby nodded in acceptance of that.
"I wish I could take it all back."
"Me, too...but you can't. So...we'll have to stop wishing for what we can't have...and try to get something more."
Abby scooted her chair close to Tim and they ate breakfast together.
After breakfast, they went back to the living room. They pulled the tape off the walls around the trim and taped the trim. Then, they got to work with the primer, covering up the dark walls. Tim could see that Abby was less enthusiastic about this, but he was relieved to be able to lighten up the room a bit. With the dark furniture, the dark trim, the dark shelves...and then the dark walls, he felt as though the living room had been a cave. He'd kept the study totally bland just as a way of escaping from that darkness. He had always wondered why it was that Abby preferred the dark walls. It wasn't like her apartment had been completely black and her lab had windows. ...but this room in the house...black...and Tim was really glad it wasn't going to be that way. It wasn't going to be white or anything, but it would feel less like a tomb.
The primer took a couple of hours. It was a quick-drying variety and so once they got that done, Abby ordered Tim to rest while she taped off the ceiling trim so that she could start painting the ceiling...the part Tim himself was uncertain about. While he waited for Abby to finish her part, Tim decided to make something for lunch. Just sandwiches, but he didn't like just sitting around, even if he knew that he needed the break.
Lunch conversation was mostly focused on what they were going to do that afternoon. They wanted to get it done before Monday. Abby focused on the ceiling. Tim focused on the walls. Both of them had to work around some trim, but Abby had more small spaces to paint which took her longer than Tim who could just use the roller. Tim had to take a few breaks, but they had agreed not to look at the whole thing until it was done.
Finally, near five o'clock, they were nearing their end. Tim had to do an extra coat of paint, but that would have to wait until the next weekend. They would both be going back to work.
"Okay, Tim. We can look now."
"But the walls aren't quite done. They need another coat."
"That's okay. We'll get a sense. You ready?"
"Sure."
"Okay...look now!"
Tim turn away from the wall and looked around the room. His eyes were drawn, almost against his will, up to the deep red paint on the ceiling. Abby was looking around at the light-colored walls.
"Well?" Tim asked.
"I think...I'm going to have to get used to it."
Tim smiled. "Same with me. That's a lot of red."
Abby laughed.
"Do you hate it?"
"No. No, I don't hate it."
Abby jumped off the ladder and ran over to him.
"You're sure?"
Tim looked up at the ceiling.
"I'm sure I don't hate it. ...I'm not sure if I like it, but I'm sure I don't hate it."
"Good," Abby said. "I'm glad."
"Do you like it?"
Abby actually giggled a little. "I don't know."
Tim laughed, too, and hugged her. "Well, I guess we have time to think about it."
"We?" Abby asked.
Tim knew what she was really asking...and he wasn't sure of the answer. Was he ready to come back here permanently? He turned to Abby.
"I need a night to think," he said. "Do you mind?"
Abby shook her head, although he could see the disappointment in her eyes.
"You want to have dinner here?" she asked.
"Sure."
"Okay."
They ordered pizza for dinner. Easy, fast, and always good. They ate it in the backyard in order to get away from the paint fumes...sitting together, even managing to laugh a little in light conversation. They'd done a lot of talking about serious things, but Tim knew that they'd have to be able to have fun together if their marriage was going to work. So he didn't mind taking some time just to be together.
After dinner, Abby drove Tim back to Ducky's place and whispered that she'd see him tomorrow. Then, she kissed him quickly and got back into her car. Tim walked inside.
"Timothy? Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me, Ducky."
Ducky came out of the kitchen. "And?"
"We're not done painting yet. Not sure how it's all going to look in the end."
"That's not what I meant."
"I know." Tim smiled slightly. "I...think that...it was a good weekend."
"So why are you back here?" Ducky asked, returning the smile.
"I'm not...sure I'm ready yet. I told Abby that I needed a night to think. Last night...it was the first time we'd really been together in a while. It felt kind of strange."
"Bad?"
"No...not really. Strange...and a little awkward."
"Both are understandable."
"Yeah. Ducky...I'm kind of tired after today. I'll see you in the morning, all right?"
"Of course, lad. Sleep well."
Tim nodded. "Thanks, Ducky."
"Anytime, Timothy."
Tim got ready for bed and then walked into the spare room. He lay down.
...and he missed Abby.