Disclaimer: they still aren't mine but I'm starting to think they should be.

AN: Usually I don't start posting until most or all of the story's done but I'm 8 chapters in and so I figured I'd put this up earlier than I anticipated. (Remember the initial stories - 36 Hours and Change are the precusors to this story)

A big thank you to Beth for helping out.

God bless New Zealand. Thoughts and prayers are with all in Christchurch xox

-
And so life moved on. Lily turned nine. Mattie and Colin's house was near completion. Rabb's Runways was operational and they now had two of their own planes and provided hangar space to three light planes. Additionally, they had six clients taking flying lessons and bookings for a couple of joy flights in the coming weeks.

With all the positives came the negatives.

Rosie had experienced frequent earaches, each increasing in severity and driving them all to distraction with her pain induced screaming at night. On top of which, Mac had been experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety which she was trying to hide. With her hormones out of kilter, she found the constant mood swings difficult to cope with and at first tried to convince herself it was nothing.

Unfortunately as Rosie earaches became more persistent and a lack of sleep was added to the equation, Mac's behaviour became more obvious. All through it, Harm tried to be supportive, he held her close when she allowed it, gave her space when she needed it. He tried to talk to her but each time she shot him down.

The one night he had cornered her in their bedroom and tried to force the issue, was the only time she had ever hit him, after which she spent the night on the sofa. The first time in their 10 year marriage they had voluntarily slept apart.

The next day things weren't much better.

"Daddy," Lily said, tugging on his arm in the early hours of the morning. "Daddy."
"What's up, Lil?" he asked, opening one eye.
"Mom is in the living room and she's crying," Lily reported, her eyes filling with tears.
"How do you know?" he asked, sitting up and swinging his legs out.
"I went to get a drink and I heard her," she said, "But I didn't go in because I didn't want her to yell at me again."
"Again?" he questioned with alarm. He had never heard Mac yell at one of the children. "When did she yell at you?"
"Last night when I was doing my homework and I knocked over my drink," she said quietly. "She said I was very naughty and needed to behave and not be so clumsy and stupid."

With a glance at the clock, Harm sent Lily back to bed for another hour's sleep before she was due to be up before heading downstairs to see what state his wife was in.

Pausing by the door, Harm spied her curled up in the corner of the sofa, breaking her heart crying and then watched as Mac grabbed another tissue from the box and tried to stifle her tears, it didn't help.

Taking a deep breath, Harm opened the door fully before padding across the room and kneeling down in front of her. Not really knowing what to say and not wanting to say the wrong thing and make matters even worse, Harm went for the three words which would always remain true regardless of anything and everything else,
"I love you," he whispered, as he took a tissue and wiped her face. "I love you with all my heart."
Mac sniffled.
"Will you let me sit next to you and hold you?" he asked, not wanting to presume anything anymore.
Mac nodded.

Quickly, Harm positioned himself on the sofa and wrapped his arms around his wife. To his relief she collapsed into him and tangled her fingers in his tee to keep him close.
"Shh," he soothed as her tears continued. "Shh..." He was about to say 'everything will be okay' but he stopped himself as the truth was he didn't know. So he fell silent and spent his time kissing her head and rubbing her back.

It took fifteen minutes before either spoke.
"I yelled at Lily last night," Mac said, swiping at her tears. "And she looked at me with her big brown eyes filled with tears and I felt like such a bitch ... I promised myself I would never raise my voice at them and then I did... and she had this look of ...of... I don't know what of. I don't think she knew. I sure as hell don't know who I am ... I don't like who I am... don't like what I do...and ... and ... Oh, Harm, I'm so sorry I yelled at our baby girl." Her tears fell harder.
"Shh, shh," he said, scooping her up and putting her in his lap so he could wrap her in a cocoon of himself and soothe her torments away. "It's okay...it's okay," he said squeezing her tighter. "We'll make it better, I promise," he vowed letting his tears drip into her hair. "We'll make it better."

Time for them stood still as they remained curled on the sofa, Mac trying to gain some control, Harm trying to soothe her. They were oblivious to anything else but the sadness she was dwelling in right now. It wasn't until Mattie walked in forty five minutes later they realised just how much time had passed.
"Oh, sorry!" Mattie said quickly as she took in the scene in front of her. "I didn't expect anyone to be in here."
"That's okay, Mats," Harm said with a weak smile. "You're up early?"
"No earlier than usual," she replied, glancing at the wall clock.
"Oops," Harm said, "We didn't realise that was the time. Is Lily up?"
"I don't think so," she replied. "Everything's very quiet. Is...ah...is everything alright?"

Harm looked down at Mac and she nodded briefly.
"Yeah," she managed. "It will be."
"Okay," Mattie said slowly, knowing by Mac's response that it meant things weren't alright right now. "I'll get Lily up and organised and then I can take the little ones with me to Charlesville to pick up that stationery order..."
"Thanks but I don't think that's necessary," Mac said before looking up at Harm.
"I think it's a good idea," Harm whispered. "It will give us a chance to talk properly and get a bit of uninterrupted sleep."
Mac nodded. "Okay, it'd be great if you could have them for a bit, Mattie – thanks."

For a while longer Harm and Mac sat in their little corner of the world and it wasn't until Mac heard Lily chatting to Mattie as they ate breakfast that she made a move. Peeling herself away from Harm she took a moment to try and make herself a little more presentable but knew her daughter would see right through her attempt.
"Hey, pumpkin," she said as brightly as she could as she leant over to kiss her head.
"Hi, mom," Lily said quietly, her eyes staying focused on her bowl of cereal.
"Did you sleep well?" Mac asked, looking at her tired face.
"Yes, mom," she replied, chancing a glance at Mattie.
"Lily, can you look at me, please?" Mac asked and slowly Lily turned her head to be looking at her mother. "That's better," she said, reaching out and smoothing the child's hair. "Lily, I just want to say how sorry I am for yelling at you last night. I know you're not clumsy or stupid and I know you weren't being naughty, that it was an accident and I'm so very sorry."

Lily nodded still very unsure about her mother and the person she had become in recent weeks.
"I love you very much, Lily," Mac said, fighting to keep her tears at bay. "And I am sorry."
"I know, mom," she replied with a degree of weariness not usually seen in someone so young. "I know it's the hormones making you not like you...I just wish they'd go away and let the nice you come back."

Mac bit down on her bottom lip and nodded. She had thought she had controlled it all quite well but, if her nine year old daughter could see it, it meant she hadn't controlled it well at all.

"Me too," she muttered tearfully, standing and kissing the child's head before disappearing into the kitchen.

Watching the scene play out from the doorway, Harm moved into the dining area and kissed both of his girls.
"How are my girls this morning?" he said overly brightly.
"Good thanks, Harm," Mattie said, offering him a supportive smile.
"And you, baby?" he asked when Lily failed to respond.
"I'm okay, daddy," she said, standing up from the table. "But I'm going to be late."

Picking up her bowl, Lily took one step towards the kitchen before she realised that was where her mom had gone. Looking from the kitchen door to her dad, she didn't know what to do or what to say. Harm decided to help her out.
"I'm going in there," he said gesturing towards the room in question. "I can take your bowl."
"Thanks, dad," she said handing it to him before disappearing up the stairs.

Turning around, Harm looked at Mattie and just shook his head; when did it all get so hard. After the move to the farm, after Frankie arrived and the hysterectomy was performed, things were supposed to be easier. They were supposed to be living their dream, not existing in this precarious place.

When he finally walked into the kitchen he found Mac sitting on the floor.
"She hates me," were her first words.
"No, she doesn't," Harm said crouching down beside her. "She's just a bit confused and a bit sad that her mommy is sad."
"She hasn't called me mommy in weeks," Mac said taking Harm's hand as he helped her to stand.
"She's growing up," he reminded her as he kissed her cheek.
"But you still get daddy and I just get mom," she said, fretting that her current wellbeing may have damaged her strong and beautiful relationship with her eldest daughter.

Pulling her into a hug, Harm kissed her head. "She loves you, Mac," Harm reassured her. "She loves you very much."
Mac just sighed.

She wasn't fairing much better when Harm returned from walking Lily down the drive for the school bus, nor when Colin and Mattie buckled the three youngest Rabbs into Harm's car for a trip to Charlesville.
"Why don't you go have a nice hot shower and I'll make us a good breakfast and then we can chat?" Harm suggested, as he hugged her.

Twenty minutes later, Mac reappeared wearing sweats and bare feet, even though it was mid October. Her hair was still damp and the dark circles under her eyes seemed much darker than Harm had expected.
"How do you feel?" he asked as he pulled the chair out for her.
"Tired," she said with a sigh, sitting down. "I just feel tired."

Breakfast was scrambled eggs on toast with orange juice. When Mac went to get up without eating, Harm looked at her curiously.
"Coffee," she said, heading towards the kitchen but Harm took her hand and shook his head.
"Given sleep is on the agenda for today, do you think caffeine is a good thing?" he asked and Mac shrugged.
"I guess not," she said, returning to her seat.

Little was said as they ate as Harm wondered how they were going to talk about this when nothing but silence surrounded them. It was only after he'd finished eating and Mac pushed her plate away when only halfway through her meal, she told him of their plans.
"Do you mind if we talk in bed?" she asked, pushing herself up off her chair. "I'm just exhausted."
"Sounds like a good idea," he replied, looking from her to her plate. "Can I get you something else? You didn't eat much."
"Not really hungry, but thanks for the offer," she said, stretching her hand out to him.

Harm wasn't really sure how this talk was going to pan out. He didn't know if he should sit up in bed, lie down, attempt to hold her, give her space. So instead he excused himself and went into the bathroom and wasted time until Mac had settled herself in bed and gave him a clue as to what he should do.

Returning five minutes later, Harm found Mac dressed in one of his tees, buried deep under the covers on his side of the bed. If nothing else, it told him she was in need of his comfort and that was the starting point he needed.

Toeing off his shoes, Harm unbuttoned his jeans and left them on the armchair before edging himself onto his side of the bed in the small amount of room that was left, wrapping Mac in his arms.
"Tighter," she whispered and he increased the pressure. "Tighter," she repeated."
"Gorgeous, if I hold you any tighter I'll break something," he whispered, kissing her head.
"Don't care," she replied. Right now she was feeling too much and too little and despite everything else running through her body and her mind she knew she trusted Harm and she just wanted to feel him and nothing else.
"Okay," he replied, holding her closer still and rolling her backwards slightly so she could feel more of his weight on her.

Long minutes later, Harm decided it was time to get the ball rolling.
"Mac, are you able to tell me what's going on?" he asked, nuzzling into her neck and dropping a kiss on her shoulder.
"I'm a mess," she admitted. "And I'm so sorry..."
"No, Mac, there's no apologising...there's no blame here," he said gently as he stroked her face.
"But I'm the problem...I'm the one causing all the problems," she said despondently.

The problem with depression is that telling a person they've got it wrong doesn't help. It devalues the feelings they're experiencing and often makes matters worse. Harm knew this but he found it incredibly hard to hear Mac say such things and not contradict her. Taking a deep breath and fighting against his instincts, Harm tried a different tack.
"What problems are they?" he asked, wanting her to articulate the issues.
"Me being like this," she started, her eyes closed so she wouldn't have to look into his sympathetic eyes. "I'm always tired...my patience with the kids...with you...with everything is worn thin...I do everything I think I need to but I know my heart's not in it..."
"Why do you think that is?" Harm asked, his heart breaking with each word being spoken.
"Menopause..." she said, "I think it's menopause anyway...maybe post partum depression ... Lily says it's my hormones...and she's probably right ..."
"How long have you felt this way?" Harm asked, raking his fingers through her hair.
"A couple of months," she replied quietly. "At first I put it down to Grams dying and just being grief...but she passed three months ago and things have just gone from bad to worse."
"Why didn't you tell me?" he questioned. There'd been so many times he had tried to talk to her about this but she'd spun him some story or brushed him off and although he knew this he had never pushed her on it, thinking he was helping her. How wrong he was.
"Don't know," she said honestly. "Didn't want you to stop loving me..."
"That will never happen," he said quickly, brushing a kiss across her lips.
"I know," she replied. "But I thought it anyway... and at times I thought maybe I was losing my mind and I didn't want you to say I was."
"Mac, gorgeous," he interjected. "You're not losing your mind..."
"I know," she replied. "At least on my good days I know...I'm just so tired ... and Rose doesn't help matters. She's had a blasted ear infection five times in two months and I know it's not her fault but, god, help me, I can't stand the screaming."

Harm nodded; the child's anguished high pitched screaming when in pain was piercing and hard enough to take when you were well, when you weren't it was excruciating. Worse still, Harm had the uneasy feeling they were headed down the same track as Rose was grouchy that morning and pulling at her right ear. He needed to prepare her.
"I think Rose is developing another one...she was pulling at her right ear this morning," he said, holding Mac closer.
"Oh no," she sighed. "Not again."
"Maybe it's time we see if we can get her an appointment with the paediatric ENT at Bethesda," he suggested, knowing they'd be heading that way as soon as he could get Mac to agree to see Dr Mollison again.
"Yeah, it is," Mac agreed. "Her language is starting to suffer and she's definitely falling behind Harry's development."
"I'd noticed that too," he said. "I'll call the doctor and see if he can give us a referral."
"Okay," she said, nestling in closer to him.
"And what are we going to do about you?" he asked gently, hoping for a positive response.
"I made an appointment with Dr Mollison but it's not until mid-December," she said, closing her eyes.
"Why the delay?" he asked, stroking her hair. "Did you tell the receptionist it was an emergency?"
"No," she replied. "I didn't think it was an emergency at the time."
"And now?" he questioned, crossing his fingers.
"Now ... I think it might be," she said with a yawn.

Nothing else was said as Harm held her close until she fell asleep. When he was sure she was sound asleep, he reached back and grabbed his cell before scrolling through to the Bethesda's number for Dr Mollison's clinic. After several rings the receptionist answered.
"Hello, is Commander Harmon Rabb," he said, hoping his rank would give his call more weight. "I need to speak to Dr Mollison on an urgent matter."
"Dr Mollison is currently in with a patient, can I take a message?" she asked.
"Can you please ask her to call my cell at her earliest convenience, she has my number," he replied.

Seventeen minutes later his cell buzzed and he answered quietly so as not to wake his wife.
"Thank you so much for returning my call, Dr Mollison. I am so sorry to disturb you," he said quickly.
"What's wrong, Harm?" she asked concerned. Despite everything this couple had been through not once had either one called in as an emergency.
"It's Mac..." he said and quietly he relayed the events of the conversation he had just had and the fact the nearest appointment was still six weeks away and that he felt they just couldn't wait that long.

Dr Mollison agreed and checked her schedule. "When do you have an appointment for Rose?" she checked.
"Haven't got that far yet," he replied, closing his eyes, just happy to have Dr Mollison onside.
"Let me see what I can do and I'll call you back soon."

It was fifteen minutes later when his cell buzzed once more.
"Okay, Harm, here's what we can do..."
Dr Mollison explained that while she could have fitted Mac in the following afternoon, which was Friday, that the paediatric ENT department didn't operate Mondays, Tuesdays or Fridays. She had, however, organised for them to see Rose first thing Tuesday morning before Dr Jacobs went into surgery and she could see Mac Monday afternoon, giving them a chance to drive in that morning and necessitating only one night in DC.

Harm had thanked her profusely before disconnecting the call.

Looking at the alarm clock on Mac's bedside table, he saw it was only 10:36 and closed his eyes. The next time he saw that alarm clock it was reading 4:06. Surprised at the time, he listened intently; he couldn't discern any noises which would indicate anyone had arrived home while he slept. Then the thought struck him; where was Lily? Usually someone met her at the end of the driveway at 3:30 and they were in the door by 3:45. Then something else struck him; the smell of double choc cookies – Mac's favourite.

Sliding carefully out of bed, Harm silently pulled on his jeans before slipping on his shoes. Trotting down the stairs he found Lily alone in the kitchen peering into the oven.
"What are you doing, Lily?" he asked quietly.
"Hi, daddy," she said turning around to reveal a face smeared in batter. "I'm making mommy's favourite cookies."
"So I can see," he replied. "Why?"
"Well, I was a bit worried when no one was there to meet me from the bus," she said wiping her hands on a cloth. "It's the first time no one's been there. But then I remembered Mattie and Colin were taking the kids with them and I figured you'd be working and mom wasn't well this morning so I thought she could be napping...so when I came in I checked upstairs and saw you were both asleep and thought that mom must be really sick or sad for you to be asleep with her...'cos when I'm sick you stay with me all day or night ... so I tried to think of something to make her feel better and then I remembered that Grams used to make mom these cookies when she was having all those problems with her uterus and so I thought I'd try to do the same..." she rambled before taking a deep breath.
"That's a lot of thinking, pumpkin," he said, kissing her head.
"I know," she said and Harm could only marvel at how mature and loving his beautiful nine year old daughter was. "Do you think it will work?"
"Work?" he echoed, not quite sure what she meant.
"Do you think it will make mommy feel better?" she asked with big soulful eyes.
"I'm sure it will," he replied, kissing her nose. "Especially if you call her mommy too. I think she's missing that."
Lily nodded. "Are you going to go back to bed too? I already poured you a milk."

Harm's reply was interrupted by his cell and he had a revised answer.
"No, honey," he said. "That was Mattie and Rosie is sick again with an earache."
"Oh no," Lily said, she knew what an earache meant for them all.
"So, when they get back, I'm going to take Rosie straight to the doctor," he said. "But I'll have some when I get back."

He watched as Lily looked at the second glass of milk.
"You could have my milk and cookies in bed with mommy," he said. "I'm sure she'd love it."
Lily's face lit up. "Can I change into my pj's?" she asked. "I've got stuff all over these."
"Sounds like a good idea," Harm replied. "Why don't you go and change now and I'll watch the cookies."
Lily was half way up the stairs before she called back to him. "Make sure they don't burn, daddy!"
"I won't," he replied with a chuckle. His daughter was certainly growing up.

Harm was taking the tray of cookies from the oven as Lily reappeared and he watched her inhale deeply. "They smell just like Grams'," she said proudly.
"Yes, they do," he said grabbing a cookie from the tray and breaking it in half. Blowing on it to cool it quickly he handed a piece to his daughter before biting into his half. "And they taste as good too." Lily glowed.
It took a few moments for Lily to arrange half a dozen misshapen cookies on a plate and to put the two glasses of milk and some napkins with it. Then she thought about the stairs.
"Daddy, can you carry it up the stairs for me?" she asked and the moment he nodded, she raced up to the bedroom and slowly opened the door.

Not wanting to take away from all Lily's work, Harm slid the tray onto the bedside table and returned to stand by the door.
"Mommy," Lily said quietly, gently shaking Mac. "Mommy, wake up."

Soon Mac's eyes fluttered open and she was surprised to find her daughter standing there dressed for bed. Shaking her head she realised it wasn't as late as she had initially thought but was still surprised she'd slept nearly six hours.
"Mommy, I made you some double choc cookies...and I have some milk for you too," she said gesturing to the tray. "I thought it would make you feel better," she added earnestly. She was desperate for her mother to feel better and be more like herself.
"Thank you, baby," Mac said, looking at the plate of cookies. "You know what would make me feel even better?"
"What?" she asked eagerly, willing to do anything.
"A big hug from you," she whispered and instantly Lily wrapped her arms around her tightly. "I love you, Lil," Mac said as she kissed the child's head.
"I love you too, mommy," she replied and Mac couldn't help the tear that trickled down her cheek.

Not wanting to be a mess, Mac shook her head and smiled at Harm who was still in the doorway. "So, two glasses of milk. Are they both for me?"
"No," she replied giving her mother a cookie. "One's for you and the other one was for dad but he's going to take Rosie to the doctor as soon as they get back so he said I could have his lot in bed with you. That's okay, isn't it?"
"That's more than okay," Mac said, more than happy to share the milk and cookies with her beautiful girl.

When Lily was snuggled into Mac and they were happily munching on the delicious treats, Harm came in and sat facing Mac, rubbing her leg and he did.
"So, Rosie's ear is worse?" she asked and Harm nodded.
"Yeah," he replied. "Figured I'd take her straight in and get the referral for Bethesda at the same time."
"Did you get an appointment for her?" she asked, handing Lily her milk.
"First thing Tuesday," he replied. "And got that other one for Monday afternoon," he said, tilting his head to indicate he didn't want to say much in front of Lily.
"Okay, good," she replied aware of what he wasn't saying.
"Does that mean we're going to DC?" Lily asked hopefully.
"Just mommy, me and Rosie," he said. "You have school and we really need to get Rose's ears checked."
"What's the other appointment for?" she asked and Harm could only smile; nothing got passed her.
"The other appointment is for me with Dr Mollison," Mac said truthfully.
"Is she going to help your hormones?" Lily asked looking from her dad to her mom.
"I hope so, baby, I hope so."