Dean sat there listening to Jackson talked about what happen when he was younger, and what went on with him and Jefferson with their huge fight they had. Hearing what he went through with his dad on what he did to him, he was thankful that his dad wasn't that abusive to him or to Sam. Yes their dad would get verbally abusive to them, especially to Sam when he turned a teenager there were fights between them. He never laid a hand on either of his sons except an actual spanking when they were younger, but he never physically abused them with his fists in any kind of way. To here what Jackson went through his heart went out to his friend, when it became to much for him Dean hugged him for comfort. What got Dean the most emotional is to hear about Jackson and Jefferson; he saw first hand how strong their bond was. He's never seen a bond that stronger between two brothers being adults, expect his and Sam's bond that's been strong through their whole life. Hearing on how their fight almost ended their brotherhood hurt him, listening to Jackson talked about it put a knot in his stomach. Knowing this is how Sammy is feeling on what he heard from his own brother, Dean being so angry he never saw the hurt lost or scared little brother in front of him. His hurt over what Sam didn't do when he was gone; made him feel like that Sam never loved him to give up on him so easily. To give up on their brotherhood the only family he had left, just to find out that he never really cared about him at all.
Feeling some of that anger returning to Sam for what he didn't do, he swallowed it down hard knowing it's not true at all. What he read in Sam's journal told a whole different story on what Sam did, on how far his little brother went to get Dean back but failed. He understands now why his brother gave up so easily after wards, thinking that Dean was really dead and that he was alone with no family left. Dean was so lost in his own loathing thoughts he didn't hear Jacob, only when he looked up he saw both men smirking at him. Feeling his cheeks getting warm by embarrassment by showing his real emotions, he cleared his throat to asked Jacob what he said.
After talking with Jackson on what happen with him, his dad, Jefferson and Sam he knows what to do, turning to Dean he saw that the man was lost in his thoughts when he talked to him. Seeing a light color pink in his cheeks he smiled, he caught Dean off guard on showing his true emotions that he hides. When he first met Dean last night he saw a man with walls built up around him, hiding his true emotions behind it so no one can see them. From last night and this morning he saw protectiveness, trust issues, sadness, anger, weariness all wrapped inside of him, he can tell it won't be easy for Dean to open up. He has dealt with patients like Dean before and got them to open up on their true feelings, he knows to take it slow and not to push them into talking. He's learned that lesson the hard way and never did it again, what he sees in Dean from the others is the lost of a brothers trust, faith and most of all love. He knows how to approach people like Dean with his walls so thick and high of emotions, he can tell that a strict father brought Dean up this way. He waited until Dean made the first move before he asked the question, he don't want to make the wrong move that would shut him down.
"Sorry Jacob, wasn't paying attention, what did you asked me?"
"I'm done talking with Jackson on what's he's been holding onto all these years, and I know now how to help him through all those emotions of his. Now I need your side of this story so I know how I can help you, with the emotions you are holding in for so long I can see them Dean."
"I'm not the kind of person who opens up to anyone Jacob got to know them first, yes I have with Jackson since we are friends for years. I have with Matt came to trust him as a good friend even a brother, I just met you last night don't really know you that well Jacob."
"Dean, give my friend something to help to understand where you are coming from, he is good at what he does my friend let him help you."
"I'm not good at getting more feelings out to anyone Jackson you know that, but if this helps me getting my brother back I'll try. What did you need to know Jacob?"
"Let's start this off slow then, Dean, so you can be comfortable with me, let's talk about you first how do you feel right now."
"How I feel right now what kind of question is that Jacob-"
"Dean don't get offensive with my friend he's trying to help you with your emotions, I know it's hard for you to share them give it a try."
Jackson could tell that Dean was getting defensive with Jacob on his question; he had to get the older brother to open up.
Dean glance over at Jackson who had a pleading look in his eyes, they reminded him so much of Sam's puppy eyes when he pleads with him. Feeling a sharp pain in his heart along with some anger for seeing that look, he knew deep down Jackson won't be hurt by what he'll be saying. Feeling that fire returning from all the hurt he felt about Sam, he couldn't stop himself once when the words came out.
"You want to know how I feel right now I feel betrayed by my own blood, who never looked for me when I was in Purgatory for a freaking year. Who went behind my back with a Demon to drink demon blood to get revenge, even when I asked him to not trust that black eye bitch he turned his back on me. To go kill Lilith for dragging me to Hell for four months after I made a deal to save Sam, he always thought that I was a weak stupid brother who couldn't take care of myself. So he goes and kills that demon bitch with Ruby by his side, which started the Apocalypse by letting Lucifer out of his cage. Which to find out that Sam was the Lucifer vessel and I was Michael sword, so the Angel's can have their war in heaven to end man kind. Sam went to hell carrying Lucifer inside of him to his cage; I sat there watching my brother fall into hell carrying that dick bag. For a year I went on without my brother by my side, I lived with an old girlfriend and her son for that time. One day I found out that my brother was a live and well, for a whole fucking year he was top side not once coming to see me. Not until he was hunting a Djinn in forum of a neighbor, who put me under it's spell so I was seeing things that were real. I was so happy to see my brother alive and well even if I was anger with him, even Bobby knew that Sam was alive and never told me. Come to find out when I was turned into a Vampire while he stood by, that he came back soulless working with our grandfather doing who knows what. Comes to find out that our so call grandfather was working with Crowley, collecting creatures off all kinds for who knows what reason. I became Death for a day so I can get Sam's soul back in him so I can get my brother back, while I was gone he almost kill Bobby to stop getting his soul back. Death got Sam's soul from Lucifer cage getting it back where it belongs, he put a wall in Sam's mind so he won't remember what happen to him. Sam being Sam had to play with that wall and go on a case when he was soulless, I almost lost him when he had a seizure in the motel room I got scared I lost him. Then Castiel had to take the wall down in Sam's mind to stop me from hunting him, Sam was a mess seeing visions of Lucifer and his time in hell. One point he left Bobby house thinking he was with me to a warehouse, to go kill some creatures that we were freed when Cass let them in him. I went were Sam was who was standing in the middle of the room, with his gun pointing at me while he was having visions. I had to talk him down to get him to focus on me not Lucifer; I had to open his wound on his hand to get him to listen. He left me after a case involving a childhood friend who turned out to be a monster, who was killing people to help her son who was dying he found out I killed her. I found a case about physics who were dying, we work it to figure out what was killing them even if Sam didn't want to do it together. He ends up in the psych ward of a hospital after running from Lucifer, he didn't want my help, which made me feel like dirt. I wasn't going to leave my brother like that and die there by himself, Cass took all the craziness out of Sam's head so I got my brother back. Then came Dick Roman the Leviathan boss who killed Bobby, we found a way to kill him which took Cass and me to Purgatory. For the whole year I was down there fighting for my life with Benny and Cass, I was thinking of Sam the whole time wondering if he's trying to save me. When I got back I looked for Sam we met at Rufus cabin, which is when I found out that Sam never looked for me while I was gone. He shacked up with some girl and a dog for the whole year, I felt so betrayed and angry at Sam knowing that he never cared about me."
"I did bring Benny back with me we became blood brothers down there, we came to trust each other found a kinship with each other. I didn't tell Sam knowing he would go and hunt the Vampire down to kill him, I kept that from him like he did with his time with his girl Amelia. Benny called he needed help after a group of Vampire attacked him; he had something to do so I help him kill an old friend of his. His girlfriend was there too he wanted to save from the friend, only to find out it was a trick to get Benny back and killed. Got a hold of Sam to meet us at a dock once we got back from the house, that's when Sam found out he was a Vampire I could tell he wanted to kill him. That put tension between us since I wouldn't let him kill my friend, I told Sam if Benny dies from a hunter wouldn't be me I wouldn't do it. He put a friend of our father who wasn't all there to keep an eye on Benny, I wasn't too happy when I found out what he did. I told Benny to leave since Sam was looking for him to kill him, he stayed saying that he has someone he needed to take care of. I sent Sam a text from his girl Amelia telling him she was in trouble, knowing that he would leave to go save her from the danger. Only to have Martin get killed by a Vampire that was Benny's family, I was not happy when I saw the damage done at the bar. I got a call from a piss off Sam I told him that I had to get him off the trail, when I went to the hotel he was in we had a fight with me leaving him behind. With Cass's help Sam and I got on a case together to help him, an Angel was being held captive by Crowley looking for answers about the Angel tablet. When he got him out Cass killed him before going back to heaven, leaving Sam and I confused on what just happen. We got back to Rufus cabin and I told Sam that he could leave to be with Amelia, he stayed with me ending his relationship with her, and my friendship with Benny. We've wanted to save what was left of our brotherhood, so we work cases together until we came across a case with Garth."
"We found a case involving love ones killing their spouses then not remembering of doing so, they had a curse penny on them that feeds off their feelings. Some kids stole it from a crypt of a soldier from the Civil War, the three people who had it killed their love ones who did them wrong. A deputy put it in my hands at the hospital, when Sam and Garth came back to the motel room I was aiming a gun at Sam. I do remember some of the things I said to Sam from all the hurt I felt, telling him that Benny has never let me down, that he's been a better brother to me then he has. I told him that every thing he did was choices on what he call mistakes, drinking demon blood, choosing Ruby, being soulless, those were his choices not mistakes. We got into a fistfight with me knocking Sam into the coffee table; he laid on the floor with me over towering him with a gun pointing at him. I would have killed Sam without a second thought, if Garth didn't hit me in the jaw dropping the penny to the floor. He burned it before leaving to help another hunter with a case, leaving me and Sam alone to deal with the aftermath. He told me to move on from what had happen or he'll move on from me, I agree that I would knowing deep down it would be hard. He told me that he will be the one to kill Benny, I challenge him on that one since we were still friends/brothers."
"After the curse penny case I just couldn't let it go with Sam and his betrayals, I hooked back up with Benny taking cases together. Leaving Sam back at the motels looking for cases for my new partner, and me every time a case gone wrong I was pissed off and took it out on Sam. Telling him that he gave us the wrong information on the creatures, even when it was Benny's fault I would still take it out on Sam. I couldn't stop the anger that build inside like a fire out of control ready to destroy in it's path, Sam got all of that anger and then some specially when I came back drunk from a bar. Sam asked Cass to leave so he can talked to me, after I had my breakfast that he got from the diner. When I finished got my coat on planning on leaving, Sam asked me to wait he needed to talk I told him not in the mood. He begged me to listen to him on what happen I shot him down telling him I don't have time; he grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving the room to talk. I swung around hitting him in the jaw knocking him to the floor hard, seeing the tears fluid my anger towards him I saw red and lashed out. I told him some things that weren't true at all, I couldn't stop the words once they came out of my mouth towards my brother. I saw the hurt I was causing my brother and it made me feel good for it, since I was hurting more from all the wrong he's done to me. He said some things about our dad that got me upset when he left for college, I said some things myself he asked me if that a way to talk to someone you love. I told him how could I love you when you took my mother away for being born; I saw the shock and hurt in his eyes when I said those hurtful words. What really got me so angry with Sam is when Castiel and I got back to the motel; Benny was on the floor with Sam ready to kill him before I stopped him. I turned to Benny making sure that he was okay before I turned to Sam, who was trying to tell me that Benny attacked him. I told him to leave now when he didn't I hit him again in the jaw, telling him we are no longer brothers as he ran out of the room."
"For a whole month when Sam left the motel room after I kicked him out of my life, he came back with three hunters friends of our fathers. The shape Sam came back in hit me like a ton of bricks hitting my chest; I couldn't breath seeing all the damage done to my brother by their hands. I went to my brother after Cass took out Reggie and Tim, that is after I killed Randy for touching my brother like he did. Cass took Sam from me when I needed to be with him to get him help, I saw Sam dying in the parking lot and that damn angel took him. I was so angry at the Randy, Reggie, Tim, Castiel, Garth, Benny and Sam, Randy asked me if I still love my little brother I told him off course I still love him. He asked me if I really did why did I leave him for a vampire to take him, I said you didn't have to attack Benny and I was upset about that. Sam still said that Benny attacked him first and why I should believe him, when he looked at me I saw no fight left in Sam's eyes he was going to let the hunters kill him. When I went to Sam side after he fell to the ground screaming in pain, it crushed my heart to hear that scream he did. When Cass took Sam I grabbed his bags and mine and left the area looking for him, a week later is when Jackson told me that he has Sam at the hospital. He even wasn't going to tell me where he or Sam was, I begged him to letting him know I need to see Sam I need to fix the damage I caused. Yes I was still anger with Sam with everything that had happen; at the same time I still love that brother of mine. He's the reason I still fight the good fight, the reason I get up every morning, it's all for him even when I was lost."
"After everything that has happen between the time I got back from Purgatory until now, I'm still angry with Sam for his choices that he made. I can't get past that hurt and pain I feel in my heart that he caused, it's not from hate that he thinks it is it's from how I raised him. Just like a parent who raised their child with love, understanding, caring and nurtured them, into the person that you wanted them to be. To find out that they turned on your love that you gave them all their lives, to find out how selfish they really are to you. When Sam ran off while under my care I was so pissed off at him, that he choose to leave me behind cause of our father. He's done it twice in our childhood that he ran off to get away from us, cause he was tired of all the fighting between him and dad and me. That selfish bastard not once thought about what it will do to me, thinking that he's out there hurt, alone, afraid of what's out there. Only to find out that he's happy to be by himself enjoying his freedom from us, even got himself a dog in Flagstaff while he stayed in an empty house. That time I was so angry at him that I didn't speak to him for a week, did he care that I was mad no he didn't he seem liked that nothing big happen. Then when he got a letter from Stanford do you think he could tell me about it no he didn't, kept it a secret until the day he told dad about him leaving us for good. Even when our dad threatens him if he leaves don't come back, he still walked out that door slamming it shut without looking back. I do understand why he wanted out hunting life wasn't his thing like dad and me; it was the way he left us with anger in all of us. I went to go find him to bring him back to the family, saw he walking down the road to the bus station. Told him to get inside we need to talk before he makes his choice, we talked as I drove him to the station. Was hoping he would change his mind on him going to school, I was proud of Sammy for getting the full ride to college. I never told him that it's that Winchester pride that we have, instead I told him to stay with me instead of going to college. He walked away not once looking back as he got on the bus, leaving a hole in my heart that never healed it's still there."
"I love my brother very much will always protect him, will always put his needs above mine like I always do. I just want to know why he always makes me feel like this, why he always does these things that angers me. That makes me feel like that I'm just a piece of chopped liver, which I don't matter to him anymore. I-I just don't know what happened to make him feel like I'm a failure to him, that I'm not good enough to be his brother anymore. To give up on me so easily to find a new life without thinking about me, it hurts my heart to think that Sam don't need me anymore."
Dean stopped when the words came out of his mouth what he said about Sam, it does hurt him to think Sam don't need him, don't want him as a brother. He felt a sharp pain in his heart just thinking about it, and at the same time he felt a fire in him of anger to Sam. At the moment he didn't know if he wanted to cry, or hit something out of anger on how he's feeling at the moment. Only when Jackson put his hand on his shoulder, is what drew Dean out of his thoughts that were swirling in his head. Looking over at his friend he saw scared eyes coming from him, glancing over at Jacob he saw worried eyes coming from the man. Wondering why he was getting two different kinds of emotions from both men, feeling some pain on his left arm he looked down to see blood. Frowning he moved his hand to see scratch makes, he didn't even realized that he dug his nails into his skin. Taking a deep breath to rein in his raw emotions, he had to let Jacob know it's not what it looks like.
"Jacob, what I did don't mean what you might think it is."
Jacob listened to Dean as he talked about how he's feeling to Jackson, he knew it was the only way to get Dean to open. He can hear the hurt, anger, lost, betrayal and love in the older brother as he talked, there was something else he saw in the older brother that bothered him. Something that Jackson said when they talked at the diner, that most of the problem was Dean on how Sam is feeling. He knew deep down that Dean is holding something back; the only way he can deal with it is when he gets both brothers together. For right now he can deal with the issues Dean is going through now, for one to get Dean to think it's not just about him.
"Dean I'm not taking what you did as being a cutter in any way, I see it as a person who is holding a lot of hurt. In turn you have to focus that pain onto someone or something to get it out, which is why I am here to get you to open up. What I am about to say to you please don't take it the wrong way, I need you to listen to what I have to say to you."
Dean looked over at Jacob's weary eyes on what he has to say, shaking his head he will listen to the man.
"I will listen to what you have to say Jacob, got a feeling it's going to be something I'm not going to like."
"That depends on how you are going to take it Dean but I have to say it, I listen carefully as you talked about your feelings. I got to say you do hold a lot of resentment towards Sam that build over the years, you hold so much of it that you don't see the wrongs you did through the years. I have listen to many siblings who have problems with their relationship, and 6 out of 10 times it's the older one who has the hardest times. They feel like their younger sibling let them down in so many ways it hurts them, they don't see the problems they cause their younger sibling. You young man take the cake on the sibling part of this talk, you see all the wrong Sam has done to you in the past and now. When I listen to you the only thing I heard was how you were hurt, how Sam turned his back on you and walked away from his brother. What I haven't heard is how 'you' hurt Sam all these years by not being there, when he needed his big brother to give him the comfort he seek. A big brother who took his side when he needed the back up, when he needed the encouragement after an argument with your dad. He needed his older brother to understand how much of a failure he was, and still is by your own actions and words to him. He needed his older brother to give him the love he seek when he was scared and afraid, to only be shot down by hateful words and actions by the one he looked up to. He needed his big brother to listen to him on how he is feeling, a brother who would take the time to hear him out. He needed his big brother to take his side of the story, no matter if it will hurt his big brother to understand why he did what he did. All those things Sam needed from you Dean to make you understand him, to make him feel like he's an equal to you not an after thought. All of this resentment you hold against your brother got you where you are today, that resentment is what you are still holding against him Dean. Every time Sam did you wrong you bring up all his mistakes from the past on what he did, how many times has Sam brought yours up only to be shot down Dean."
Jacob watch Dean carefully as he talked on how he see things between Dean and Sam, by the older brother reactions he knew it hit a button with him. He's not trying to make Dean feel like he's the one who responsible for what happen, he needs to see that he's part of this problem he's in with Sam. He can see a lot of emotions going through the older brother, most of it is anger he's not sure with whom at the moment. This was something he had to say to get Dean to see he's part of this problem, that Sam is a part of this problem it takes two to cause problems.
As Dean sat listening to Jacob talk to him about what he said about Sam and himself, he felt anger when Jacob said he resent his brother. Knowing deep down that he does have resentment against Sam for a lot of things, he even has resentment against himself for a lot of things growing up and now. This has brought up so many mix emotion in Dean, ones that he's not use to dealing with to anyone not even Sam. Hearing Jacob talked brought a whole new kind of anger to the brother, hearing the man blaming him for things that happen to Sam. Things that Sam has done to hurt him in so many ways through the years, why does everyone blame him for all the mistakes that his little brother has made. The more he thought about it the more angry he became, when it finally came to a breaking point he lashed out at Jacob.
"Of course I have resentment to Sam Jacob for all the crap he put me through, for all the times he just thought about what's only good for him. Not even thinking about what good for me or my dad growing up, everything was about him and how we treated him so badly. He whined, complain, argue against everything my dad wanted him to do, he has done it with me so many times that I needed to get away. I gave up my whole childhood being a teenager to keep an eye on him, gave up going to parties, games, dates and hunts for him."
The anger Dean was feeling at the moment blew up into a ragging fire, what he said next when the words came out he couldn't stop them. He stood up so fast that Jackson and Jacob stood not knowing what he'll do, both men stayed quite as Dean angrily cuss out Sam.
"I gave Sam everything and the only pay back I got was him turning his back on me, always running off when things didn't go his way. That bastard choose a Demon over his own flesh and blood to be hooked on her blood, that bastard left me in the hotel room lying on the floor in pain from him. I told him if he walks out that door not to come back, that our brotherhood was over if he left with that bitch. What does he do walked out of the room slamming the door behind him, not caring if he could have killed me after he chock me. Then he goes and free Lucifer with that Demon bitch by his side high on blood, when we got back together he tried to make things right between us. I couldn't do it this time I couldn't even look at him; cause when I did look at him I only saw the person who betrayed me. I couldn't even trust him to have my back, that trust we once had was gone by his actions. I didn't have any faith left in my brother; I didn't have any kind of feelings for that bastard couldn't do it. "
"When I finally got out of Purgatory with Benny hitching a ride out, who was there having my back fighting side by side. I found Sam was so happy to see my brother alive and well, until I found out he never looked for me for the whole year. Shack up with some girl have the life he always wanted, a life without his brother in it. He wasn't the brother I knew anymore we didn't have any kind of connection, yes we stayed together to hunt he was still my brother even if I wasn't his. I couldn't get over the betrayal I felt with Sam on what happen, I couldn't have him watching my back, I couldn't trust him. I miss being with Benny miss fighting with him; he has never let me down like Sam has in the past. When we got back together I left Sam behind didn't want to be around him, that bastard didn't deserve to be call my brother anymore. When he tried to talked to me about what happen I just lit right into him, I didn't want to hear his sobbing stories or excuses why he didn't look for me. When I saw him attacking Benny I lost it, told him to leave we are no longer brothers wanted him out. When I saw the look in his eyes it felt good to cause him pain, I was over him didn't want him anymore as a brother. I wanted him out of my life for good, I hated him-I actually hated him at that moment-"
Dean stopped himself when he heard himself saying he hated his little brother, a feeling he thought he could never have when it came to Sammy. At that moment in the hotel room he did have that hate for his brother, it took his breath away to think he could feel that way to the kid. He looked over at Jackson who looked shock at what he heard; looking away he felt a strong pain in his heart that it brought tears. Blinking them away only to have them come running down his cheeks, it felt good to get all that anger out of him. At the same time it hurt him to say that he hated Sammy for all the pain, which he caused him over the years on all the things he has done. He felt so raw with his emotions on what he had just said; he loves his brother he really does so how can he hate him so much. That was one word that never came to Dean's mind when it came to Sam, now after every they've been through is this, his true feelings on Sam. Can he actually hate Sam so much that he didn't want him as a brother, or was it just at that moment when they were at their lowest. This was something he had to get figured out before he saw Sammy again, if he truly hates his brother is it the right thing to leave him behind. A part of Dean wants him to stay and get his brother back, but that part that has the hate can he really do it. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath to help rein in these new emotions, he needs to know if he should stay or leave Sam behind. Before he could talk Jacob spoke first.
"Dean, that was the thing you were hiding from Sam and yourself, a part of you do hate Sam for all the things he has done. You have been hiding this feeling towards Sam for so long you buried it, until just a few months ago when it all came back to you. Even with the hate you hold to your brother it's not a lost cause Dean, I can see how much you still love that brother of yours. That love will over come the hate you still have, it will take time to get rid of that Dean it's been building for years."
"That's one thing I never thought I could say about Sammy is that I-I hate him, a part of me does and it's still strong in me. I don't know if I should stay or leave Sam behind until I know, how can I face him now when I'm not sure."
"One thing I do know Dean is leaving won't help you or Sam on this, it's something you both need to talked about. I would need to talked with Sam to see how he feels about you, to see if he hates you for all the things that has happen. The only way this will work between you two is the truth on how you feel, both of you will need to talked to each other on your true feelings Dean."
"I won't blame Sammy at all if he hates me for all the crap I put him through, I do need to know if he does hate me Jacob. I know it will hurt like hell to know if the answer were yes, I wouldn't get anger with him if it's his answer. I hate myself just for the fact that I have some hate for Sam, I want us to be brothers again Jacob I still love my little brother."
"That is something I can work with Dean now that I know your true feelings, I can see that you still love Sam it's deep. We would need to work on the hate you have for Sam, before I have you two talk to each other. That will go for Sam too when I talked to him on his feelings, this will take time Dean don't get annoyed or frustrated. It's going to be baby steps before I can get you both together, I don't want to rush anything on you two and loose you both."
"When do we begin on this journey of ours Jacob between Sam and I?"
"As of right now your journey has begun Dean it's going to be a long one, the first step was emitting the truth to me. Now we would have to work with when you started to hate Sam, work our way from there and get it worked out."
"Sounds good to me Jacob I hate myself for emitting I hate Sammy, I need to get over this if I want my brother back. Which I do my friend I want him back as my brother, I want our love back as our trust for each other."
"That's what I'm here for Dean, so if you're ready let the journey begin."
TBC