What Natsu mouthed to me during that video was this:
"I didn't know."
-.-.-.-.-
I'm laying back on my bed, staring right through the ceiling. The air conditioner is on and the ventilation makes a vacuum sound, amplified by the silence. I can feel the cold current brush my flushed skin and it feels refreshing. There's a black dot in a corner of the ceiling and for the past four minutes I've been trying to decide whether it's a spider or a spot of dirt. It hasn't been moving and neither have I, as if by staying still we'd complete in resistance. Soon I start feeling cold, but I'm still not moving from my position. I'd like to say my head is whirling with the events of the speech, with the hundreds of stupid questions that I've received after I was done with it, but then I'd lie. My head is completely blank.
I have a thousand things that I have to do, but I can't even move. How could I attend the classes in this state? How could I meet with Rita and the others? How could I find my long-lost friends through the sea of trainees that would jump on me with some more of their dose of stupidity?
Are you disappointed that you couldn't do more in your seduction?
After wasting my breath and energy in trying to convey something so intimate and important to me, this is the best question that they can come up with?
I feel frustrated only remembering the state of shock in which I was after being bombarded with tens of such questions per second. In the end I left without answering any of them. I had to get help from some saner people in order to snake through the crowd and out of the Training Hall.
I shouldn't have expected them to understand. I shouldn't have expected them to be like me.
At lest he did.
I feel my mouth opening and I start breathing through it as if the air were so thick that it wouldn't fit through my nostrils. My lungs seem to consider it so. The pressure in my chest, and at the same time the sweetness in its heaviness rips a tortured grin from my lips. Still staring up ahead, I feel the painful roots of happiness as I see him again in my memory. I watch him on replay as me mouths the same words to me over and over again, relishing in the meaning of it.
Breaking me out of my state is a knock at the door. Frozen in my spot I continue to stare calmly. I'm not prepared to leave my position just yet. I still haven't decided if that's a spider or a dirt spot.
"Lucy, are you in?" a familiar voice sounds and a other voices follow it talking cheerfully. Its effect being like magic, it makes my blood rush again, bringing me back to reality. As if I hadn't been breathing until now, I take a deep breath and then I jump up on my feet bubbly.
In a few steps I'm beside the door going for the handle, already visualising the faces that stand behind it. I breathlessly swing it open. On the doorstep stand Levy, Gray and Thayla. The second following the collision I'm melting in a hug with Levy, her arms around my neck squeezing me at her little body.
It's as if time stops and the trainees roaming outside on the hallway are something from a distant scenery, part of another story with another heroin. What my senses perceive are the presence of my dear, dear three friends, standing around me laughing with an emotional delight.
"Oh my gosh, Levy," I blow in a breath, and immediately my eyes water. I crush the tears between my squeezing eyelids, breathing in the scent of the girl that's been far away from me for too long. Her familiarity makes me so happy that I start laughing. We keep hugging, spinning a little as if to mark the reunion with a dance, and then I hear Levy whimper, breaking into tears.
"Why didn't you come see us?!" she whines at my ear and I let out a chuckle.
"I'm so sorry," I whine back tear-eyed, copying the tone of her voice. "I had a lot on my back. And after I was released from the medical section, they forbid me to see anyone."
She lets go just to look into my eyes with her blue, round orbs in which emotions are so beautifully evident. Her face is just as round and her nose is as cute as always. She didn't change since I've last seen her, and this makes me so relieved and happy that you'd think I was afraid I'd find her scarred like I somehow saw myself turn out after everything that's happened. But my heart grows so much at the sight of her that I could just hug her for an eternity. But then there's Gray, who's been waiting for his turn to come, rather impatiently I'd add.
Gray is not as violent as Levy when he hugs me, but I can tell that he missed me as much as I missed him. His hug has always been unique. He has this weird habit of holding the back of the hugged's shoulder with one hand and the small of their back with the other one. I chuckle again, my heart growing some more at the happiness of getting to experience his comfortable hugs again. Then hiding my face at my best friend's familiar chest, I start crying. Gray is so much like family, that hugging him is like hugging home; or at least my idea of home.
"I missed you so much," I tell him strangled with so much emotion that he draws his hand up and down my back soothingly.
"Me too, Lu," he says calmly, warmly. He's not crying like us girls, but he's showing his affection through a softness in his movements, words and eyes, something that in ordinary terms would've been a mischievous liveliness.
I was afraid that being apart from them would draw us apart, but if anything, it only drew us closer.
"Come on! It's my turn already!" a voice shrieks impatiently and Thayla's hands push Gray away from me. Laughing, I pull her in a hug, squeezing the organs out of her affectionally. After all air is drawn out of her noisily, her face almost reddening from the pressure, she laughs.
"I'm so glad that you're fine!" she says with genuine relief in her voice. "I was watching those tapes with my heart in my throat."
I chuckle, feeling so blessed for her friendship. I part with her, holding her shoulders at arm's length and looking at her with love. Her dark raven hair has grown a little lower than the level of her shoulders and she still has that cool bob haircut that I've always admired on thin necked girls. Her eyes are as green and open as before, only now there's something different about her… She looks more mature and confident. When I first met her she seemed the type to flee at the sight of danger with her shyness and fear, something which used to frustrate me. But in reality she's been such an alleviation in those terrible first days at the organisation and such a soothing friend afterwards, that she'll remain in my heart forever.
"I love you guys so much," I find myself confessing as I sniffing ungracefully. "Seeing you again is unreal."
In reply they hug me again, only that they do so all at once, proceeding even after they realise they can't fit all around a single creature. I'm cocooned inside a group hug and it makes me so warm and fuzzy on the inside that I can't stop crying.
"You have no idea how much I needed this," I breathe heavily. "I felt so desperate, so empty, that I…"
I can't find the words to continue. But words aren't necessary.
"We know, Lu," Gray whispers with a voice scarred, his fingers striking my hair tenderly. "We've all been there."
Then a silence follows naturally, as if none of us needed to speak in order to understand each other. Knowing that my friends understand me more than I imagined any human would is both comforting and sad, for the reasons behind this understanding.
Soon Thayla, who is covered by the other two, is getting hot, so she breaks the collective hug and we all gather on my bed instead, where Levy and I wipe our tears and sniff our noses. We spread on the sheets like a bunch of kids at a pyjama party and I pass around a box of tissues. There's a certain humour in all of this, but it wouldn't have been like this had it not been my close friends to be here with me.
"Do you still draw, Thayla?" I ask the girl with a smile plastered on my face. She replies with a huge grin and glittering eyes.
"Oh yeah! Mrs. Hellen took me for extra classes for architecture. They want to make me part of the official team."
"Who's Mrs. Hellen again?" I frown.
"She's the coach with the architectural planning," Levy explains. "Thayla's really talented at what Hellen's teaching and remember that part-time job she got in this domain? She's earning a lot."
"Mrs. Hellen said that I might work with the generals in the mission logistics. I'm really excited about it."
"Wow, that's amazing!"
I don't say it out loud, but she's actually incredibly lucky that she discovered so soon she doesn't need to go on missions, unless they force her to. I feel a sting of jealously, but I hurry to shake it off and it immediately turns into happiness for her. For one of my friends not having to experience what the rest of us did is wonderful. I smile at her lovingly. They continue to talk about the subject until there's nothing left to say. After a break of silence, I ask:
"What else is new around here?"
"Lots," breathes Levy staring off into space. "Some change in the protocol. You've seen the new uniforms of the Council, so that now anybody could recognise said generals and show them the respect they deserve," she rolls her eyes even though I can't tell if she was being sarcastic or just annoyed. "Then a new series of newbies came, and of course, to balance the numbers…" her voice dies out and then she sighs dryly.
It's silent for a while. I'm not aware of the oddness of this silence until I realise it lasts for way too long. I lift my head but I don't meet any of their faces. With eyes low and hesitant, nobody wants to finish the sentence. I thought I could anticipate the ending, but Gray is the one to prove me wrong with the specificity of my assumptions.
"Jellal died," sounds his voice in the silence, a voice that would remain in my brain until the day I am no more. A tone and expression that I could never forget.
A burst of shock explodes in my chest and my eyes go immediately wide.
"What?" I breathe almost incoherently, as if in my throat there were claws cutting the air and sound. "You're joking, right?"
"Of course not," says Levy flatly with a frown, her eyes still lost in the distance. "Why would anyone joke about something like this?"
I feel myself getting dizzy, then the room starts spinning for real. My head feels clouded so thickly with denial that I can't even get myself to imagine it. I see Jellal again, with his blue spiky hair, slipping through the closing doors of the Training Hall, laughing between Gajeel and Loke as the coaches nagged them.
"Oh my gosh," I breathe shocked, standing up, feeling the need to move. A hand shoots at my mouth. "How did it happen?" I ask highly pitched.
"It was just another failed mission," Gray shrugs, but not because he's indifferent. It's because it's a pain that we've come to get used to, something that shouldn't surprise us, but always ends up doing exactly so.
"Loke and Gajeel went to finish it, in honour of him," Levy adds very quietly, almost in a whisper.
The three were best friends, they were known here as the troublemaking trio of the organisation. How can they be just two now?! I can't believe this! How can he be dead?!
"It's okay, Lucy," says Levy. "You just have to get used to it."
"I don't want to get used to it," I whisper as I cry silently.
Oh Lord, why do these things happen? Why?!
"Next time it could be one of you guys, and then what am I going to do?" I wipe my blushed face.
"See, that's what we've gone through," Gray smiles sadly, but in a playful way as he eyes me. "So can you please never rebel against the organisation again? Nobody really considered the option of you coming back."
In one step I'm beside him on the bed again, hugging him and crying silently.
"I'm sorry, Lucy," he says soothing me. "Nobody deserves to go though this."
He intends to continue, but my computer's screen flashes and a sharp noise can be heard, drawing our attention. If it turned on automatically, it means it's a notification from the Office. I turn a widen-eyed face towards the desk, feeling like the last thing I want right now is to be broken away from my friends. Not when I need their love so badly. But the screen is black and a message written in big, white letters is calling for me.
"Lucy Heartfilia, you are requested in the presidential office in fifteen minutes," sounds a robotic message that's reading out loud the text written on the black background.
At first I dread that my assumption was correct and that I need to leave Gray, Levy and Thayla. But then the most important detail catches my attention entirely.
"In the presidential office?" I ask widening my reddened eyes even more at the computer, still holding Gray's shirt with one hand. "But that's…"
Levy slowly pulls herself to the edge of the bed and then stands up as if suddenly she were ten years older.
"Looks like the President wants to have a private conversation," she sighs tiredly. I look at her and she back at me, smiling shortly. I feel my cheeks colour as I wonder how much she knows. I never got to tell her anything about the President and I, did I? But I cast the thought away and I retreat my hands on my laps.
Gray gives me a powerful pat of the back, moving me from my balanced position.
"Well," he takes a breath standing up. "Seems like the party's over."
"But I don't want you guys to go," I tell them and Thayla puts a hand on my shoulder, helping herself off the sheets and on her feet.
"Me neither," she says with a sigh. "I've kind of missed being around people I like."
I can't see her face as she walks towards the door along with Levy, and I wonder what she meant by that.
Gray ruffles my hair as if I were a kid.
"See you around, Lu," he says preparing to leave.
"Guys. Wait," I call after them standing up fast and fixing my hair quickly. "There's something I need to ask you."
They all turn and look at me, Levy and Thayla close to the door and Gray just beside me.
"Regarding my speech," I breathe shakily and I don't know why, I suddenly get nervous. "W-what did you think of it?"
I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants, avoiding their eyes.
"It was great, I didn't expect the public-speaking skill over there," Levy says winking at me and I hurry to shake my head.
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
It gets very silent while all eyes are on me, flatly, maybe almost sadly.
"Lucy…" Gray begins and I instantly get all tensed up at the tone of his voice, sounding heavy and alarmed.
It's so silent for a long moment that I'm afraid they're just going to go out the door without saying anything that needs to be said. With anticipation I look at him pointedly.
"You know that it would mean betrayal…"
"I know!" I hurry to say, maybe a little too loudly. So I repeat myself more softly. "I know, but… It's just not right."
Thayla is looking at me very confused and not even Levy is sure she can keep up with the conversation.
"What would mean betrayal?" she asks quietly.
Gray smiles weakly, keeping his eyes on me as he lifts his chin and his eyes twinkle in the lights.
"Taking Lucy's 'medicine'," he answers eventually. "She wants us to answer to her invitation of having a taste of it."
The good part is that Gray understood. The bad part is that a positive response is not guaranteed.
What am I going to do if not even my best friends would want to be on my side? How could I carry Rita's and my plan?
I don't explain anything to the questions from Thayla or to the doubtful look on Levy's face. I just keep silent.
-.-.-.-.-
I knock at Natsu's office door with my heart beating like a drum. I try to keep calm and to lower my expectations, but over and over again I see his beautiful lips mouth "I didn't know" and my chest starts fluttering like a butterfly; an awfully violent one, that is.
No sound can be heard on the other side and I knock again, a little louder than the first time. Maybe he didn't hear me.
Why did he call for me in the first place? To be notified through the system is not the same as being notified by him in person. Why did he choose this way? Did he want to keep it a secret from the trainees and to stay as much away from me as possible? Or is not related to us at all? Does he want to send me in another mission?
My face starts turning pale at the bare thought and my stomach churns with terror. I shiver and on an impulse, I knock again at the door, loudly and persistently.
But still there's no answer.
I grasp the handle and jerk it, but it doesn't bulge. Locked. He's not here.
Am I somehow late? Or am I too early? What's going on? Why would he call for me when he's not even here?
I wait for twenty whole minutes, laying against the wall, but the office hall is completely lifeless. Not many people walk around this place very often. Not even the President himself.
Then through the station, his very voice sounds out of the blue, making an announcement.
"Attention all trainees," he says and I widen my eyes surprised. Where is he if he's not in his office?! And why would he call for me if he's somewhere else?! "All leaders are expected in the Training Hall in ten minutes for a special activity coordinated by coaches X and Y. Absenting trainees will be punished accordingly."
I recognise the names belonging to Nick with the hat and the bald woman. Usually they made a trio with Nick with the cigarette, the guy who used to be on very bad terms with Natsu. I wonder why he's not with them now.
I sigh, wondering where Natsu could be, when suddenly I'm taken aback by the realisation that the announcement included me as well.
"Dang," I mutter as I hurry down the hallways. "I'm not used to being a leader yet."
I reach the familiar vicinity of the Training Hall, but then I realise I'm still in blue jeans and a t-shirt. Groaning, and rolling my eyes at my own absent-mindedness, I start running all the way back towards the apartment area, where all leaders have their rooms and coaches, fully packed apartments.
"I'm going to be so late," I whine through clenched teeth as I rummage through the mountain of clothes I was provided with at the beginning of my status as a leader. Obviously if it's called an 'activity', it should be something meant to teach you the way of sliding on your own sweat. Jeans are a death wish to such 'activities'.
I slip inside the black, elastic clothes of the organisation and then take a big gulp of water from a water bottle on my table and exit the room, locking it fast. I'm already late by three minutes. But thankfully in just two minutes I reach the hall lightly panting.
Around twenty people are gathered inside and they all turn to look at me as I enter and approach them. I must be the last one to arrive. And contrary to my belief, Natsu isn't here. I feel disappointed when his face doesn't appear anywhere in my vision.
The only people superior to the gathered leaders are the bald woman, whose hair has been freshly cut and looks as short as ever, and the hat Nick, only that he's missing the hat and instead, his head rejoices in a greasy, grizzled, pulled back flock that he calls hair.
Gray and Levy are there and they both smile at me cheerfully. I wave shortly at them.
My eyes meet with Rita's. I prepare to greet her and expect the same reaction from her, only that she turns her head away almost instantly, acting like I'm not even there. I freeze at the hostility. In front of me there are two possibilities: either she's being a rascal, either she's transmitting me a message. I consider the latter and ignore her back, pouting in my irritation. I let my eyes slide along the unknown faces. Then my eyes meet with Gajeel's.
Everything that I was thinking about slows down to a halt until the only thing I'm conscious about is his image in front of me. Automatically my head makes a connection to what Gray and the girls just told me. Pain washes over me when I remember the day Gajeel was promoted. I had fought with Rita outside the ladies' bathroom and after she punched the snot out of me he saved me. He had my back, even though he knew it was my fault for being weak. He had bragged with the same necklace that I now have, and he was so happy about it.
Now Gajeel's face is as still as steel.
His eyes are blank and there's a stiffness in him, a mark from the persisting wounds. A scar, just like in my case. Only to him, it's different. He didn't suffer like I did.
He lost his best friend.
Him being here means that he and Loke successfully managed to avenge the missing one of their 'three'. However, he doesn't look satisfied by it. I know. I know. It's not like revenge would bring him back.
He's looking through me, but he still nods softly. I try to smile at him, but he can't really see me.
I recognise a few other people like Susanne or Erza, but the coaches are already talking as I take my place in the organised line-up and I can't look sideways anymore. I learned my lesson almost five months ago. At BLS, never look sideways. Always look straight ahead. Both literally and metaphorically speaking.
I take a deep breath, knowing that it's going to be hard to concentrate. Especially after everything that's happened. It's not like I'm in the mood for a 'special activity'. I doubt anybody here is.
"So it is a little sudden to separate you from the other trainees, but the President came up with this project a while ago and it was accepted by the Council," the bald woman starts speaking randomly, holding a paper holder pad with a few sheets clipped together in front of her. She looks at me, who ended up in the first row as per usual since I've come here. "Survivor, we're very glad to have you here. You haven't been around for way too long. I hope you haven't forgotten the way the classes work."
"Of course I haven't," I smile amused. How could I? My very life depended on it most of the times.
"So normally you'd have the shooting lessons now, am I right?" she asks out of curiosity.
My eyes flicker towards Nick and I find him eyeing me narrowly. I frown shortly, but choose to ignore him.
"Well It's good that we get to have the Training Hall free… But I guess some other time we could do it in the shooting establishment as well…" she keeps looking over the file, talking to herself.
If the leaders present are impatient, they're not showing it. There's a certain beauty in the perfection of their silence and stillness. I wonder what they're all thinking about.
Well Nick sure looks like he's having a mindful of thoughts. He doesn't bulge his fixed stare even after I've made sure he knows I'm aware and crept out by it.
"Oh well," concludes the coach putting the pad down and straightening her back. Her attention is back on us. "I would like to introduce the exercise that the President proposed to all leading positioned trainees. First off, and here I quote him: A leader is a leader only through the acknowledgement of those who stand below him. If those who stand below him refuse to entrust him with the leading position's full awknowledgement, then this position is entirely useless. What the leader needs to do in order to ensure his position is to build trust."
If at first there's a pause as if we're not sure if we're being mocked or if she's serious, then there is reaction. I lift my eyebrows and somebody actually bursts with laughter only to control it in the following second.
Trust?! Now that's a word I haven't heard spoken by the people at BLS. And here I was starting to doubt it exists in their dictionary. To think that Natsu has managed to open their minds to its usage is almost a joke. I would've laughed as well had I not felt almost impressed at such progress within the organisation.
After the heavy silence and hostile glare which assure us it's not just a prank, the bald woman continues.
"So the President organised some games to help build trust. The plan is to spread it as a concept within the base. First of all, the trust will be built between you, leaders, in order to teach you how to treasure it and then you will teach it, in return, to those lower in rank than you. It's pretty simple. The hard part is the activity in itself."
I hear Rita curse. Distracted for a moment from the coach speaking, I frown with the shortest glimpse in her direction. But then I look straight ahead, my focus completely lost. An unsettling feeling tingles in my chest.I take Rita very seriously and I know that she cruses a lot, but if she did so now, especially when silence is so well appreciated, there must be a solid reason. My intuition can't be wrong.
The bald woman continues to talk, explaining the steps of the activity and the purpose for each phase in trust building. Part of me listens to her instruction and the other part sees Rita's jaw chew on nothing with irritation. She curses a few more times under her breath and all her mentions basically makes a cloud around her, to the point I can feel it as well. Something's not right. Why would she feel nervous about a silly game when she's capable of completing basically any task with more enthusiasm rather than hesitance? I doubt it's just my imagination.
Twenty minutes later I'm not being paired up with Levy or Gray like I hoped for and instead I'm paired up with Rita herself. You'd think that I'd be glad, given the opportunity to discuss with her. Wrong. I'm more distracted by the fact that nobody answered me at the presidential office and that Natsu called for me in such secrecy, way more than I am by Rita's absurd nervousness. And I like her alright; but I wished to be put into the position of working with her on something.
I mean… Come on, she's Rita! She's still pretty much a b*tch when it comes to me! The only reasons she approves of me is because I have power upon the people she hates.
"Listen, let's get this done as fast as possible," she hisses bossily the first second we meet after our names have been spoken. "There's something really important I need to figure out."
So my presumption was right. Something is going on that I'm not aware of.
But on the other hand, I didn't like the tone she used on me just now. I want to get this over with as fast as possible too, but just because I don't want to come to get pissed off at her after all she's done for me. And if I have to work with her, that ought to happen.
"What the f* are you cringing like that for?" she blurts with a frown. "You've had that pickle face since she called our names."
"I'm sorry," I shake my head, waving it off, but unable to regain the elasticity of my face. "Don't mind it."
"You think I like being put in the same team with you, too?"
I lift my furrowed eyebrows at her, holding something between a smile and a frown on my lips. Somehow I find myself amused that we're so much on the same page.
"Don't think I forgot that you made me look bad in front of the President so many times," she narrows her eyes at me and I'm taken by surprise. "Or that you called your friend to punch me five minutes after it was legal for him to."
Gajeel took my side back then when she was picking on me and he had just been promoted to leader. I remember the scene and cringe even more, both with guilt and embarrassment.
"Listen, you deserved it," I tell her as we walk towards one of the trails on the Training Hall's east wall. "You were a total bully and I literally did nothing to you."
"Well the President showed you an awful lot of attention," she says without thinking and immediately regrets it when I smile widely.
"So you admit you were jealous."
"Shut the f* up."
She catches the materials the bald woman tosses her, along with the rest of the pairs, and Rita turns her back upon me. Seriously she could hold back a little from cursing so much. It just makes you want to wash your ears after she opens her mouth. But when she can't see me, I let the smile I've been holding fill my face.
I take a look around, at the other pairs who have been distributed several other tasks, all neatly written down on the coaches' papers, originally created by Natsu. Levy is paired up with Gajeel and this catches my eye very fast. I know they don't go very well along and even as I'm looking at them, they're starting a minor quarrel about who should take care of the materials we were given. I hope she'll be fine. Gajeel is an awesome guy; she just needs to see it. I search for Gray and find him with another guy that he's probably never spoken to before. They're silent, almost ignoring each other. I think the pairs were made up after the observation of the coaches or maybe even Natsu; otherwise I can't imagine how they'd make such good guesses about who needs to build trust with whom. I notice another few interesting pairs until Rita draws my attention with another round of her colourful vocabulary.
She tells me to pay attention and to look at the materials we were given. There are handcuffs. There are rags. And there's a harness with cables connected to it. I look at everything frowning. What are we supposed to do with these? I see that the others all seem to know what do with them.
I must've missed something in the speech while I was thinking about Rita and about Natsu. But I'm surprised to find out that Rita wasn't paying attention either, wherefore she's holding the handcuffs with confusion hidden behind a frowning face.
"What did she say we're supposed to do with these again?"
But the bald woman soon clarifies our confusion.
"The 'utensils' you were given will serve to the task you were given and there are a few simple rules that you will abide to during the task. Just for the record, none of this is from my own imagination, it's all instructed according to the President's notes," she frowns looking down at the papers. "We haven't tested these steps yet and I'm personally looking forward to the results."
She looks around at us and after a little calculation with Nick, they agree that we should take turns so that we can witness others' tasks as well. I admit I'm a little nervous, assuming I know absolutely nothing about what Natsu had on his mind when he wrote this 'trust test'. Nick asks if there's anybody who would like to start first, and I was expecting Gajeel or some other brave leaders to lift their hands. And indeed they do, only that the one to do it first is neither of them. You guessed it. My beloved partner had a strike of courage and curiosity to make us try it first even though we're probably the only team that didn't pay attention to the instructions.
I refuse to try finding out what's going in Rita's head sometimes. Oh well. I've been 'the volunteer' most of the times in BLS since I came anyway.
"Great, so the Rita-Survivor team will begin," Nick mutters and the bald woman waves for us to walk to the shown trail on the wall.
We walk in silence and the others follow us a little bored.
"What are we supposed to do with the handcuffs?" I whisper to Rita as we walk side-by-side, holding the strange objects in my hands.
She turns a sharp, wide-eyed glare in my direction.
"What do you mean? You didn't hear?"
"I wasn't paying attention."
"Well me neither," she finally understands why she shouldn't have volunteered. "Great."
But she just shrugs it off and turns a cocky look in the coaches' direction once we arrive.
"So what do we do with these again?" she asks nonchalantly. I hurry to watch their reaction, fearing that they'd get mad at us, but the reaction is so normal that you'd say she was expecting us to ask it.
"Choose one of them: the harness or the handcuffs."
I frown and meet Rita's eyes; none of us knows what she means. What do we have to choose one for? Is this some kind of test? I start thinking what the purpose behind this question could be, considering which one would be better for whatever they have in mind. But Rita is ruthless and impatient. Of course she had to blurt 'handcuffs' without even bothering to ask me what I think.
"We're a team, dumbass," I hiss between my teeth, making sure only she can hear me. She doesn't even look at me.
What does she think the purpose for this test is?! If it's not a team-building exercise, then what is it?
"Alright, you chose the handcuffs," the bald woman says and ticks something on her paper holder pad. "Now the following instruction is that you are no longer allowed to talk to each other. You had your chance for the first decision. From now on, you are forbidden from addressing as much as one word to each other. You are allowed to communicate through signs, though."
What?! What kind of dumb rule is this?! How can we function as a team if communication is half cut? We share one more look of surprise.
"Since you chose the handcuffs," the coach continues. "You are to be tied together for the rest of the game. You may choose if what will be tied will be the ankles or the wrists. Please make your choice."
At first we don't move. My first impact is to talk to Rita, but we're not allowed to. I frown and I glimpse at her. Eventually she looks at me again, but we stare into each other's eyes without moving a muscle.
Then she presses a finger on her wrist continuing to stare pointedly at me. I think about it and then I nod at her. We turn to the bald woman touching our wrists and she's already writing something on the pad.
"So you want to be tied by the wrists, correct?"
"Yes," Rita replies and at first I'm surprised and I expect them to tell us we're not allowed to talk. But she's right; we're only not allowed to talk to each other.
Nick the coach does the job, taking my left hand and Rita's right hand and snapping the handcuffs closed around them. I don't see any key to it, so I suppose they're handcuffs that receive electromagnetic commands, the type I've seen here at BLS. Being tied to Rita feels already uncomfortable; and the fact that we're not allowed to talk to each other makes it worse. How are we going to work on the trail together?
"Now you have the following instruction:" the bald woman continues, reading from the paper. "You must complete the trail under five minutes. If the time expires and you failed to complete it, then you will wait for the following instructions, along with an additional handicap to your current disabilities."
Five minutes?! I'm not able to do the trail in five minutes alone, let alone tied to a person! You barely have enough space to step if you're on your own! Is Natsu aware of what he's making us do?!
"Get ready," I hear her call and my hand is jerked by Rita who's already moving towards the beginning of the trail.
Wait! I'm not ready yet! We have to talk, to make some kind of strategy! I pull back the handcuffs and she glares at me, as if saying 'what?!'. I throw her a cutting, threatening glare. She pulls the handcuffs in her direction and I stumble the few steps, almost knocking my head against the wall. Man, the strength of this girl! How can so much muscle fit in that skinny body?
I feel my own muscles flex under the frustration of being pulled back and forth by her. I'm not going to let her have her way about this! We can't just start off without talking it thought! That beats the logic of all team building exercises! Is she stupid?!
"You may begin."
Rita pulls me mindlessly and we start climbing the first section of the trail: some simple steps dug inside the wall. The space is so narrow that I make and effort not to lose my balance with my left arm pulled ahead to Rita's right. She's running as if it's all nothing to her, but as soon as I see the height we're gaining, I feel my head spinning. We won't be able to do this. We're going to fall and we're not even under protection. There's not even a mattress on the ground to keep us alive if anything happens.
Rita is pulling me harder, but I realise that it's because I'm slowing down. I run faster after her and suddenly I trip. When I regain myself, I'm staring at a net brusquely falling down and widely below us. I didn't see it coming because Rita is in front of me. Because I stopped, I pulled Rita along and now she's bouncing up and down the net, endangered of falling off. She's frozen for a moment, proving that she didn't expect physics to pull her back when I would have pulled back. I take advantage of the moment and I stingily (yes, I'm ashamed to admit it) stand up, step over her and take the lead. I hear Rita curse through her teeth when I pull her up and going, running over the bouncing net, and she also offers resistance to the violence of my arm. I ignore her and keep going, avidly glad of the fact that I'm in the front now, leading and having the wide vision of the trail.
Now considering that I'm the one choosing the way we complete the trail, I force Rita to do what I do and I admit that in some cases it wasn't a good decision. Rita is always pulling the handcuffs painfully, making sure I understands that I'm a fool for taking the lead, she, obviously, being the better one and the able one at completing the task.
But even if she had been the one leading, we still wouldn't have completed the trail in five minutes. We haven't even reached the resting platform making half of it when the timer goes off.
"That marks the end of the time period given," the bald woman calls off and we stop, barely panting, looking down at the group of people gathered and staring at us with a lot more curiosity than at the beginning.
Rita, as a little revenge, jerks the handcuffs as if she hadn't already swollen my wrist enough. I glare at her with all I've got, but she's looking at the coach with an irritated facial expression. We're both fuming with anger and frustration. None of us even tried to be nice. When you're timed, you don't consider politeness a priority anymore.
"You failed to complete the task, so you will receive a punishment. You still have, in the bag you were given, a few rags."
We dropped the bag somewhere on the ground, but it's true that I kept holding the harness and Rita put the stripes of rags in her sweatshirt's pockets. She pulls them out and I look at them curious.
"One of you will be blindfolded for the rest of the game," the bald woman reads and Rita immediately goes "What?!" voicing my shock as well.
Are they kidding us?! Do they really want us to die? I didn't die in the suicidal mission so they have to kill me somehow! In the freaking Training Hall!
"However, you will be given a break of two minutes in which you will be allowed to talk to each other, making a decision regarding which one of you will lose eyesight. You will be given, this time, ten minutes to complete the rest of the trail. If you still will not be able to complete it, you will be given an additional handicap and you will have to start over from the bottom. Note that in the case of any form of cheating you will be sanctioned with additional handicaps until you will complete the exercise fairly and correctly. You may start talking, only for two minutes."
"Are a f*ing idiot?!" I find myself screaming at Rita the second the coach finishes speaking. I don't normally swear and I immediately feel guilty for it. But for some reason I can't stop. "How the heck do you want to do this if we don't communicate at first?! We need a strategy!"
"You little b**, don't you dare throw that at me! I didn't see any sign of communication from your side! You just took the leading like a f*ing idiot when we obviously both know I'm better at this! I've been on this trail hundreds of times!"
"Oh I took the lead?!" I ask disbelieving, my voice annoyingly high-pitched, which irritates me even more. "You're the one that shot forth forgetting that I even exist! We're supposed to be a team! You think you're so smart but you can't even make a proper plan! You're not on your freaking own!"
Below us it's silence, everybody staring at our circus completely absorbed.
"At least I did my best trying to lead! And because you thought you're so smart and had the advantage until now, why don't you be the one to get blindfolded?" she barks accusingly and I widen my eyes at her, trying to interrupt her. But she continues. "You don't know the trail anyway! Just let me lead and we could actually advance."
"Oh really?" I ask absolutely shocked at her nerve. "So you already made your own grand plan to get us through? Do tell me; even though it's not like we're in a team are we're supposed to make one together."
"Oh shut your trap already," she talks though her teeth, chopping the words hatefully and rolling her eyes at me. I feel the pressure in her arm, like she just wants to jerk me forth, off the trail and splashed against the ground. If we weren't tied together, she probably would do it. "We don't have time for this! You get blindfolded if you're so capable!" she snarls at me.
"I only said that you aren't any better than me! And if it's not such a big deal and if we're so short on time, why don't you do it?!" I almost yell at her, embarrassment at being watched by the others, including my friends, being the only thing holding me back. My cheeks are already flaming; I don't want to make an image worse than I already have.
And after the great, 'inspiring' speech I had yesterday, here I am, yelling at the girl who saved me like an immature brat. Why the heck does she have to make things so complicated?!
"Fine!" I suddenly yell, and the only reason why I gave in was to same my image. I feel irritation explode in me like a volcano and for a long moment I'm unable to part my gritting teeth. My muscles are strained worse than they were in real life-or-death situations. I'm breathing hot breaths like an overwhelmed engine trying not to explode. I rip a rag from her hand violently, making sure I scratch her on the way of doing so. "I'll get the stupid blindfold," I mutter through my teeth.
I start tying it around my head, jerking her hand, tied to mine, on the way of doing it. Although she gets cocky as hell, she's a little calmer now and doesn't respond to my angry movements.
"But I swear Rita, if you don't do a good job, I'll push you off myself."
Aware of how little sense that makes, I ignore her silence and let the darkness confuse and dizzy me at the pressure of the rag around my eyes. I throw the harness, intending to lift if back after I finish checking the knot, but judging from the swooshing sound it must've slid down the trail. I hear it drop on the ground and I hesitate, wondering if I would get punished for losing something which I probably should've kept. Nobody says anything and it makes me feel like I look stupid, which pisses me off even more.
"So what's your genius plan?!" I bark, but the bald coach immediately interrupts me.
"The time has run out. From this point on you're forbidden to talk."
"Great!"
"Well whose f*ing fault is it?!"
"I said that you're forbidden from talking!" the coach yells at us and we both keep silent.
Some people are chuckling at something. The darkness makes me all the more unsettled, the silenter it is.
"From now on you have ten minutes to complete the trail. You may begin."
I feel Rita jerk my left arm forth and I simply can't control myself when I yell.
"Rita!"
The coach gets very angry this time, but Rita does go slower, giving me the time to feel the steps and holes in my way.
"Heartfillia, this is the last warning! If you don't abide to the rules you will be given another handicap!"
My left hand arms is basically useless, I have my right hand to feel the wall in order to find my way, I'm tripping at every step and I can't see anything, let alone have Rita explain what's around me. I'm basically useless and me falling was absolutely imminent.
I stumble upon something and I don't fall in the right direction. I feel the air spinning around me and suddenly the solid concrete is no longer under me, but sliding on my right side until I find myself hanging in the air and continuing to slip when Rita screams. I hear gasps and feel my entire weight hanging in the cutting circle of the handcuffs. I scream at the pain and hear Rita huff in the effort of holding both of us on the trail. Panic spreads in me when I feel her sliding lower and lower. Are we falling? She's holding on tight, isn't she? I feel so dizzy and panicked that I almost can't control myself from calling out to her.
In the midst of the desperate panting and loud wincing, I feel her sweaty fingers search for mine in the space created by the length of the handcuffs. I'm afraid I'm going to slide through the circle before she could get a grip of me. I remember I have a second hand; I lift it and tap the wall panicking. I try to reach for her, but the fact that I can't see anything, nor talk to her, makes it impossible for me to find and touch her.
All that's left is for me to trust her. Funny how I didn't consider trusting Rita until now.
Her fingers didn't stop searching for mine and eventually she manages to hook them with mine, somehow making the slipping process stop. My right hand finds irregularities in the wall that help me also stop my body from sliding through the handcuffs. Panting and sweating under the wave of fear and adrenaline, I feel Rita moving her arm higher, pulling me along. She must've gotten a better position to drag me back up. Come on, Rita, you can do it.
She huffs in whimpers at the effort, but she isn't strong for nothing. At some point I manage to catch her wrist with my right hand, the free one. She grips me back powerfully. Then it's much easier and less painful for her to pull me up. And when I'm high enough, I start helping myself as well, climbing on what feels like a very thin balance beam.
Holy crap! She was holding on to that while pulling me up?! No wonder I slipped off of it! I must've not even stepped on it, but on thin air! I'm crouched, feeling the way with my hand. Rita stops moving, catching her breath. She then does something without notice.
She must've realised just like me that we can't complete the trail in this manner. Something must be done. So I feel her take my free hand and make me touch her. I feel her body turn and crouch in front of me. I don't understand what she's trying to communicate to me at first; then she pulls both my hands forth, above her shoulders and makes me hug her neck.
I understand that she wants to give me a piggyback.
Aware that we're losing time and at the same time that she's willing to sacrifice her mobility for my sake, I remained block. I mean… we just yelled at each other about how incompetent the other is.
It's so amazing how this girl can call you a b* and then save you in the same minute. I've never met anyone like Rita before.
Seeing how indecisive I am, she jerks me. I immediately lean against her back, holding her neck with my free hand, and she grips the back of my thighs. My left hand being connected to her right one, which is holding my leg, we're in a tight position, but anyway better than hanging in the air.
Rita immediately starts running forth on the trail. At some point she has to climb a ladder tilted to an oblique position. Since her hands are busy, I feel what's in front of me with my right, free hand, and I help her by holding each step. I have the hand, she has the legs. And shockingly, it's working. We're advancing.
We're moving even faster than when I wasn't blindfolded. But suddenly the bold woman speaks, reading from Natsu's papers.
"I announce you that five minutes have passed. The timer won't be stopped, but seeing as you have completed half of this phase, you will be asked to pass the blindfold on to your pair. You are still forbidden to talk to each other."
At first surprised, Rita drops me to the ground and I hurry to untie the rag. I blink at the blue light and spots of dark where the blindfold pressed too tightly against my eyes. When it's off, I pass it to Rita, who hurries to tie it around her own head. Before she does, we exchange a look. Time is running, so after she finishes, I round her and take the lead. I crouch and she hops of my back.
We didn't even need to talk in order for both of us to know we're continuing the plan. When she hugs my neck, I notice both her and my bleeding wrists and suddenly I feel the flash of pain.
If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have realised the handcuffs cut though my flesh. I feel my body tremble at the sight of the open wounds. I look away and start running.
I'm very confused at the beginning, at the unfamiliar surroundings. I see that we advanced most of the trail. We can actually do this! Rita did such a good job until now!
Suddenly all my frustration is gone and I feel just the adrenaline, pumping in my veins as I start climbing the difficult traps, ladders and nets. Rita is helping me with her free hand and I realise how much I need her help. I only have my legs, but without her hand to balance me when I need to climb something of walk along a really narrow wire, she's the one to hold us steady. Soon I feel my arms growing tired of holding her. I hop her higher on my back, hunching forth in order to keep her steady. I only have a little left of the trail, when-!
"The time has run out," sounds the coach's voice, from way below us, at the size of a finger in my sight.
I stop, panting and growling frustrated. I was so close!
Rita lets herself slid off my back. The coach continues:
"You have failed to complete the task. You will be asked to start over the entire trail. When you reach the bottom you will be given the following instructions."
She stops and looks at us expectantly. Reluctantly we start walking back, Rita frustratedly untying her blindfold as we do. Throwing glares at the coach as if it's her fault for us being unable to finish, we hop down the ropes and stairs. I let Rita lead without even considering me being first. I follow her steps and she has such a practical and efficient way of stepping, even in the most difficult obstacles, that we reach the bottom in less than five minutes, with no difficulty whatsoever. For a few minutes I even forget that we have our hands tied together.
"Great," the coach says when we're down. "Now I will continue."
I see Gray flash me a thumbs up and I grin at him.
"As you have failed to complete the second task, as I've stated you will be penalised with a so-called 'handicap'. You will have to complete the entire trail in five minutes, neither of you blindfolded and you will be allowed to talk to each other. The handcuffs, however, will not be removed."
"What?" I laugh surprised.
"But that's not a handicap. It's an advantage," Rita asks just as confused.
"Exactly the President's point, apparently," the bald woman mutters, surprised herself, turning a page to check it and then returning to the previous one.
At first I don't understand. We get into position, the coach starts the timer, and we run.
"You get the lead," I tell Rita fast. She does so without commenting and I follow her closely, mimicking her steps. The first obstacle is the net.
"Wait. Hop on my back," she says.
I know that if we both run recklessly on the bouncing net, we'd lose our balance and in the end fall. But as she's the only one stepping, jumping from a foot to the other, she gets to the other side immediately. I slide down her back and realise with excitement that not even a minute has passed and we already passed this. I realise my heart is beating faster, knowing that I can trust Rita's decisions and excited that we can communicate at our heart's content now.
If at first we're hesitant, as if we're still not allowed to talk, later we start talking non-stop:
"Get in the front!"
"Watch your step!"
"Give me your hand. See that bar? Grab it so I can cross to the other side."
"You're taller, you go first and help me up."
"No, step over there; it's easier!"
"Let me cross that; get on my back."
"Hurry up! We're almost there!"
I expect the coach to announce the end of the five minutes any second now, especially since we're so close to the end. I keep getting the feeling that we won't do it, when I suddenly slip and fall again.
Rita catches me fast even though she's barely standing on a small platform surrounded by nothing, a good few feet beside the wall. She's holding me tightly and in the midst of effort she just burst:
"You stupid b*! You just love falling all the time, don't you?! How could you actually fall again?!"
"What; you think I like being paired up with you too?!" I scream back. "You're not perfect either! But I have to pass this trust test with you, unfortunately, and you have to pass it with me!"
"I'll let go!" she yells threateningly.
We make a pause of silence, the thought about the handcuffs tying us together persisting in my head, and suddenly our cheeks puff and with long snorts, we burst in laughter. Rita pulls me, still laughing. Since we're running late, I offer her my back and I run for the rest of the trail, jumping from one obstacle to the other until we reach the ending platform.
Panting, I let her slide off my back and we lay down to rest. We wait for the coach to call something to us and eventually she does:
"Well it's strange why the President would make such a note, but it says here that you're not to be timed on this last phase of the game. The fact that you supposedly had five minutes was a lie."
We pop our heads over the platform, looking shocked at the ones on the ground and them looking back at us.
"You passed the trust-test, for reasons anyone can point out," the coach tells us. "You came to trust each other's strength and to rely on each other. It says here that this was the entire point."
"Really?" Rita asks.
"This is it? Did we even make it in five minutes?"
"I didn't time you," the bald woman says, but Nick interrupts her.
"I did," he says nonchalantly. "It took you a little over six minutes to reach the platform."
I feel disappointment flush over me. We didn't make it.
"But this wasn't the purpose of the task. The President wrote here that not even he was able to make it under five minutes, along with a trusted friend. And it took him over six minutes to do it on his own."
It took him longer when he was on his own than when paired up with somebody?! The shock is as big for Rita as it is for me, judging from her expression. She turns her head to me and I find myself staring in her big, green eyes. Her thin, fair-skinned lips are parted and with a beating heart I find myself surprised and light-hearted in her presence. I expected anything but this feeling in Rita's presence. But as we continue to stare at each other, I start smiling.
"We did do a pretty good job, didn't we?" she asks silently and I chuckle happily.
I realise I trust her. We passed the trusting test, proving that we trust each other. But how? We were just yelling at each other fifteen minutes ago! This game turned out to be really effective! What a great idea Natsu had!
"So now I can trust you about anything, right?" she asks and for a moment my smile disappears.
"W-what does that imply?" I'm afraid there could be things I wouldn't be trustworthy in. Things I wouldn't compromise.
"Well, take the plan for example. Can I trust you that you'll do your part and help me out?"
I continue to study her green eyes, a pair that used to drive me mad with annoyance when I met her and still makes me angry from time to time. But this same pair of eyes were the ones to look at me through that background of white when I was laying on the roof of the block in Medleytown. This pair of eyes held pity when all I thought I would get is accusation and conviction. She brought me hope when I needed it so badly. She might not even be aware of it, though. It were only a few moments during which she was doing what she was asked to. But now that I realise I trust her and she trusts me, it changes everything.
I nod at her with assurance.
"Haven't I already proved that during the speech yesterday?"
I smile and she smiles back, knowingly.
"Yeah. The plan is already starting to go off."
"Are people interested?" I ask on a low voice, not to be heard by anybody below us. But they're already engaged in the activity of the next pair of leaders and we're no longer being paid any attention.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure yet. We have to wait," she says copying my tone of voice. "But there's a really big problem going on."
"What is it?" I frown concerned. Worry washes over me at the thought that our plan could be meeting opposition. It's the last thing that I'd want to happen. Not when we finally have such a perfect plan.
"Listen," Rita sighs "I trust you, alright?"
"Yeah," I say fast, not because I don't appreciate her feelings, but because I want to hurry to get to the problem.
"I mean I know you're slow, fat and ugly," she says with a tiny smile, "And it's also true that this game kind of had to make me realise that I can trust you," she continues.
"Yeah?" I encourage her to go on.
"But it's this game that I don't trust."
I stare at her blankly. Then I shake my head. Maybe I'm missing something.
"Wait, what?"
"I don't trust the purpose of this game," she explains.
"What do you mean?" I ask breathlessly.
Suddenly her face is painful.
"Lucy, I really like the President, alright?" she confesses with hurt on her face. "I really do, but-"
I keep silent, not knowing how to react to the pain on her face. I already anticipate what she's going to say.
"But the President is working against our plan."
"What?" I ask in a breath of air. I make a long pause, trying to understand. I look down at the people, but they're not paying attention to us. I curl backward, away from their vision, and I rest my back against the stone wall. I stare at Rita. "You'll have to be clearer than that. I don't understand."
But I already feel my chest stinging.
Could I have felt it wrong? That look in his eyes during the video, when nobody else was paying attention to us… Could I have read what he mouthed to me wrong?
'I didn't know,' he said. He didn't know what I've been though. So he regrets acting the way he did. So he's on my side. Right? I couldn't have sensed it wrong, could I?
"The President is trying to make the leaders of the organisation gain trust," Rita winces. "I couldn't pay attention to the instructions because I couldn't think of anything else."
Shock contorts my face as I look at her, but I don't see her. My eyes are lost in the distance. Suddenly I review the picture of me being back in the crowd as the bald woman is explaining the activity to us; I hear Rita curse and I wonder why. Now I understand why she did that. I understand that she understood this game from a completely different perspective.
"You're saying he's trying to get the trainees on his side?" I whisper, the words extremely hard to pronounce.
"Exactly," she replies fast, taking a position to be closer to me. "I think with this 'innovative idea' of purity thought trust between the assassins, team-work, relying on each other, something which is completely opposite of what's been thought up until now, is supposed to gain the trust of the masses. They're going to be knocked out with such new, different ideas regarding the system. Imagine what a stirring it will raise among the trainees, especially the ones who've practically grown up in this organisation, like me. And when they fall at the leadership's feet, they can practically control the trainees like muppets."
No! How could Natsu do such a despicable thing?! Why would he want to control them?
"What would the motive be?!" I persist, as if there must be some explanation to it. "Don't they already have enough control over the trainees?"
"They do, but only though force and authority. Now they want their trust too. You're the living proof that brutal force is not enough to break a will."
Me. The traitor. The survivor.
I remember the day I found out Beatrice was dead. Natsu was trying to pursue me to tell him where she is. He was doing anything he could, trying to get me to speak through any means possible. Threat. Sweet talk. Begging.
Now the same attitude he's showing the organisation, trying to monopolise both their bodies and soles. Could it be true? Could this be the same man with the one I love?
And it makes me ask again; why did he call me in his office? Was it really to tell me that 'he didn't know'? Or was it to manipulate me, to stop me from my plan to raise an army to oppose his organisation?
Covering my face with my palms, I hold everything I have left from my trust and my love for him, trying to keep it from falling apart. I'm confused. I don't know which one is real anymore.
I didn't seem to realise it up until now and I kept hoping for the otherwise; but since when have my boyfriend and I been such grim enemies?