Chapter 31: Eye of the Storm
Unna'Karis: So what was it like, being with the Commander?
Tali'Zorah: At first it was confusing, our first date was probably a disaster by anyone else's standards, but it was lovely at the time. A calm moment in the middle of chaos.
Sometimes, Tali had to wonder if the galaxy had a sense of humor. The bar on Arcturus she and Joker had gone to had been named "Heaven." The bar Shepard and Garrus had talked about on Omega was named "Afterlife." She was fairly certain that on her bender with Shepard they had finished at a bar called "Purgatory," and now she was sitting in "Afterlife." It was probably just a franchise thing she decided.
"So, what were you saying about Liara miming her mother earlier John?" Tali asked while they waited for their drinks.
"When we cornered Benesia on Noveria, she made a little speech about how having Liara there wasn't going to change anything." John explained, "And how we were about to face an asari Commando squad, something few had done. Liara copied that almost word for word."
"That's rather disturbing. From what Liara told me, she thought of her mother as already dead on Noveria."
John shrugged. "I don't know. But shooting your mother can't be easy, especially not for someone as young and sheltered as Liara."
"She's older then both of us together you know." Tali chided, "And she seemed to be displaying more than a little of that asari mystique and wisdom back there."
"I'd forgotten that." John admitted, "It's had to image that asari can live for 1,000 years and at 100 they consider themselves children."
"She wasn't acting like a child back there at all. She seemed more like a driven, maybe even obsessive woman." Tali observed.
"True. She's changed, but then we all have. Look at you, when we first met you were a kid out to see the galaxy for the first time."
Tali giggled, "And you were the human hero with a cute butt who came to my rescue."
"You think I have a cute butt?"
"Well, there had to be a little physical chemistry, don't you think? We couldn't base it all on your heroics."
That made Shepard laugh. "Oh, I think there's physical chemistry to be sure, but honestly that would be a pretty poor basis for our relationship. I can't see your face, and mine surely doesn't even begin to resemble what a handsome quarian's would."
"That is true." Tali admitted, "We don't look at our own faces much, it brings to much sadness. But your face is to blocky and hairy to be considered beautiful by quarian standards. You do have a certain exotic charm about you though."
"The same goes for you I guess." Shepard admitted, "Back to the old Western human obsession with mysterious veiled Arab princesses. I suppose your a princess of your people, in a way."
Having watched the Princess Bride, Tali had a basic understanding of what a princess was and was flattered by the comparison. "That's sweet of you John." She cooed, leaning over and giving Shepard a peck with her vocalizer.
"Oh keelah girl you have no idea what you are getting into." A quarian voice broke into Tali's revelry "Humans are jerks. You should totally dump this loser before he starts using you."
Tali jerked back and looked over to see another female quarian standing by the booth, hands on her hips and her head cocked to one side.
"Do I know you?" Tali asked, trying to be polite.
John didn't quite manage the politeness part, half standing with a blank expression on his face. "You have five seconds to leave us alone before I do to you what I wanted to do to Conrad."
The quarian responded by lighting up her omni-tool. "Bring it ugly!"
Before John could draw his pistol and do something rash, Tali pushed her way between the two. "I am Tali'Zorah nar Rayya vas Normandy. This is my captain, John Shepard nar Arcturus vas Normandy. If I want relationship advice, I will talk to Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay or Clan Chief Urdnot Wrex vas Tuchanka. Now leave us alone, or I will let the deadliest man in citadel space execute you so I can have some peace."
The quarian's omni-tool flickered out and she let out a low moan. "Oh keelah, your Tali'Zorah? Admiral Raal'Zorah's daughter? Tali 'Black Hand of the Admiralty' Zorah?"
"That would be me." Tali replied, though the name "Black Hand of the Admiralty" was new to her.
"Oh ancestors please don't take me in!" The girl pleaded, "I know I abandoned my pilgrimage, but I just can't go back to the fleet, I have a life here on Illium now!"
"I'm not here for you, and if you go and leave us alone now I promise I won't even mention I found you." Tali answered evenly.
"I wasn't even here!" The quarian squeaked, and took off running.
Tali and John sank back into their chairs and glanced at each other, then broke down laughing.
"Black Hand of the Admiralty?" John wheezed.
"Do what you wanted to do to Conrad?" Tali gasped.
The two spent a few minutes giggling and gasping for air before they finally calmed down.
"I thought you were going to shoot her." Tali admitted, "But I think I actually managed to make her pee her suit."
"I was about ready to at least wing her." John admitted, "I don't know what a man has to do for a little privacy on a date."
The idea of John shooting a civilian just because she was bothering them hurt Tali. But after talking to Kelly, she thought she knew the root cause. Tali reached over and took John's hands in her own. "You're still struggling with your religion. About dying and not finding a heaven."
For a moment, John tensed up and Tali thought he would blow it off or change the subject. Then he deflated slightly. "Yeah. I am. I guess if I don't talk about it with you I won't talk about it with anyone."
"I'm not religious myself." Tali admitted, "Ancestor worship used to be the major religion in quarian culture. But when the geth destroyed The Archieves of the Ancestors and their wisdom had led us down the path that destroyed us. After that, a lot of quarians lost faith in the Ancestors."
"What happened to your culture after that?" Shepard asked, though Tali thought he was probably skirting the issue at heart.
"Well, a few people dug out some really obscure old religions." Tali explained, "One popular one was that Rannoch was a goddess and we her children. It sort of made sense, what with us being unable to colonize other planets. My old captain, Admiral Han'Gerral was actually a believer in that. It's why he's so set on destroying the geth and taking back Rannoch still."
"Sounds like some of the terra firma party." Shepard snorted, "They almost make Earth and humanity sound sacred."
Trying to drag the conversation back to John's problem, Tali asked, "Well, didn't your religion believe that Jeebus was God's child as a human? Wouldn't that make humanity special?"
That prompted John to roll his eyes. "Only if you're one of those crazy One Image people, but lots of races have religions similar to Christianity that supports the Multiple Appearance Theology, which personally-"
John suddenly cut himself off and looked away from Tali, his eyes growing red and watery.
"Dammit Tali, now you've gone and done it." He whispered.
"Shhh, hey it's OK." Tali whispered, sliding out of her side of the table and coming over to be by Shepard. "I just want to know you're going to be alright. Whatever you believe is up to you John, I'll love you anyway. But I can tell this is hurting you. You never would have threatened to draw your gun on someone who annoyed you before, or openly mocked someone who was just trying to be like you. You've changed, and I don't think it's all for the better."
They sat there together for a few minutes, Tali just holding Shepard while silent tears leaked down his face. Finally, in a raw voice Shepard began to open up.
"When they first brought me back, I thought that maybe I was just in a coma for two years. That they had recovered my body near death and revitalized me. But that wasn't what happened. I didn't find out until after I met you on Freedom's Progress. That's why I joked that I had been 'Only Mostly Dead.' I thought that's all that had happened."
"But it wasn't. Miranda showed me the footage. Tali, they dragged a broken body out of a frozen world. I had literally been burned to a husk and shattered, the starting footage didn't even LOOK like me. The fact that there was any recoverable DNA at all was a miracle."
"I'm half cybernetics at this point. You see my scars glow sometimes, that's all the implants that are keeping me running. Hell, I'm still on a strict regime of medicines and supplements along with regular therapy to keep my body going."
"That isn't the part that bothers me though. What bothers me is I was dead. Literally dead, for almost two years. No brain activity, no blood, no nothing. Stone cold dead. And there was nothing. I remember nothing. I blacked out in space and woke up two years later in a Cerberus lab. No light, no heaven, no hell, no God. Nothing."
"That used to be everything to me. How I pulled myself together after Akuze. How I was a kind a decent man. It was how I defined myself, how I built and directed my entire life. And then I find out it was all a lie. All if it. There is nothing after we die! It's over, it's done, nothing there at all! How can I keep on living with the horrible things I've done, all the people I've sent into oblivion? How can I sleep with the ghosts of my squad mates whispering in my ears at night, knowing that there is no hereafter where they can be at peace?"
"When I found out I was dead, I sat in my room for an hour staring at my bible. Then I ripped it up and threw it in the trash, because that's what it is. Trash. A book full of lies that have no meaning, no purpose."
"That's not true." Tali interrupted.
John stopped and looked at her, a dumbstruck expression on his face. "I just told you Tali, there was nothing-"
"It helped make you into a kind and good man." Tali whispered, stroking John's cheek. "It made you into the man I fell in love with. When I met you I was infatuated with you for your kindness and your heroics. But I didn't truly fall for you until you forgave that scientist when we rescued Toombs. You were so kind, so loving, so wonderful. I knew then that I wanted to share my life with you, with someone who could love me so much. Someone I could love in return without ever having to think that I would be hurt or rejected."
John closed his eyes and leaned his head against Tali's visor. They sat like that for a while, until Tali grew uncomfortable with the silence.
"So, have you talked to your mother lately? What about your father?"
That made John lean back and scratch his chin in embarrassment. "No to both actually. I keep putting it off. How do you begin a conversation like that? 'Hey, it's your son, I know you were notified I died and got my flag and all, but guess what I'm back!'"
"John, as someone who just lost her final parent, it doesn't matter what you say. All that matters is that you are saying something."
John winced. "Yeah, I guess I'm not the only one with problems."
Tali shrugged. "Talking with Kelly really helped me. I'm still grieving I know, but I can't let it stop me from living life. Live your life John, and make sure your parents know you love them. If there was one more thing I wished I could say to my father and hear from him, it's 'I love you.'"
John nodded slowly. "There's a public comm terminal across the hall. Would you come with me to make a call to my mother?"
Tali nodded quickly. "Of course, I have her information if you need it, I commed her when I found out you were alive."
"I might need that actually." John laughed nervously, "It is awkward that you've talked to my mother more recently then I have."
"I called her when I found out about... After Liara and Kaiden..." Tali stopped, trying to find a good way to phrase telling Shepard she had called Hannah to commiserate with her that her son had died.
"I get it."
They stood and walked to the comm station, which had an opaque field to allow calls to be made privately.
"Call from Commander John Shepard, retired, to Captain Hannah Shepard." John instructed the VI, giving it the information Tali had sent to his omni-tool.
"Connecting." The VI said cheerily, and there was a few minutes of static as the connection sped through space.
"God damn you, if this is a prank so help me I will call down an orbital strike on your ass no matter where-" Hannah's irate voice began, but stopped as her image came into view.
"Sorry I forgot to call mom. I was Mostly Dead for a while there." Shepard said, managing a week grin.
Hannah's face came into focus, her face locked in a gape of astonishment. "Jonny? Jonny is that really you?" She whispered.
"Sorry I didn't get him to comm earlier Hannah, we we're stuck in the Fire Swamps." Tali put in.
"Tali?" Hannah's eyes darted to the quarian, and her features relaxed. "Oh Tali, you're with Jonny? Then it's true, you're really alive?"
"Yeah mom." John rasped, "I'm alive."
"Oh thank God." Hannah whispered, tears leaking down her face. "When they told me you died, I heard a still small voice in my heart saying 'Your son yet lives.' I thought it was all a lie, that I was making things up instead of hearing from God, but when Tali called, and now..."
An awakward silence followed, and Tali cleared her throat and said, "What about John's father? Do you know how to contact him?"
Hannah's eyes dropped. "He's dead. Got in a fight at a bar, medic's didn't get there in time to save him. Happened about six months ago. I hadn't even spoken to him since I told him you were dead."
"He's gone?" John asked, tear's dripping down his face agagin.
"Oh John." Tali cried, putting her arms around him and drawing him close.
There was a sudden squawk from the comm and Tali jerked away to see a stunned expression on Hannah's face.
"Oh, mom, this is my girlfriend, Tali'Zorah. I believe you two have met." John joked, drying his eyes with a hand and trying to sound cheery.
"I can see that." Hannah answered wryly. "And I have to say you have good taste. I liked Tali as soon as I met her, though I have to admit I didn't think the two of you would start dating."
"It took me a while to see what was right in front of me." John admitted, "But I think Tali was planning on it for months. The crew had a pool for our first kiss and everything."
"I was totally unaware of it." Tali quickly added, "And I completely disapproved of it."
Hannah laughed and shook her head. "Oh Tali, you are so sweet. I'm glad Jonny has someone there for him. Don't worry, I'm not a prude or xenophobic. And the two of you have my blessing, if that means anything."
"It means a lot mom." Shepard answered, "Be careful, I might start crying again."
"Thank you Hannah." Tali whispered. "I know my father would never have approved."
"Have you told him?" Hannah asked, then paused, "You said would, you don't mean that-"
"My father, Raal'Zorah, is dead." Tali whispered.
"He died a hero of the quarian people." Shepard said stoically.
Tali looked up at him and took his hand, squeezing it when she couldn't find any words to thank him with.
"I'm so sorry Tali." Hannah whispered. "Both of you losing your fathers so close together... At least you have each other."
Shepard nodded. "Right now, I think Tali's the only thing keeping me grounded."
"Do you have a priest? Are you attending mass? Do quarians do mass?" Hannah demanded, going into mother hen mode.
"We're still working things out. I want John to take me to a mass soon. I have to find out what the blood drinking is about."
Hannah rolled her eyes. "Oh John hasn't told you about the Eucharist? I don't expect you convert her right away Jonny but I would think you would at least teach her the basics."
Suddenly, Shepard's communicator beeped. "Shepard, this is Garrus. Mission is a success. Miranda is with her sister now. What do you want us to do?"
"Sorry mom, duty calls, we'll talk later." Shepard quickly stated.
"I understand. Thank you for calling. I love you John." Hannah said, then cut the connection.
"Roger that Garrus, head back to the Normandy then take some shore leave. You've earned it. Team two is moving out to find the assassin shortly."
"Gotcha. I heard you're upgrading the Normandy's cannons?"
"That we are, I put the yard order in myself."
"Well, that sounds like my area of expertise. I'll head back to the ship and make sure everything gets properly calibrated as it's installed. Garrus out."
John turned to Tali and put his arm around her shoulders. "I know you care Tali, and I appreciate you being here for me. But I'm just not ready to talk about this yet."
"Alright John." Tali agreed, "As long as you know you can always talk to me."
"Thank you."
Unna'Karis: The Shepard struggled with faith? But he-
Tali'Zorah: You know the official story. Let me continue. I think you will find Shepard's journey was not as smooth as it is made out to be in the vids.
Author's Note:
I am trying to decide if Tali is ever going to stop saying Jeebus. I think that might be right after I think it isn't cute/funny anymore. Which in all likelihood, is going to be never.