35.
Most of their journey was quiet and uneventful. It seemed that everyone and everything avoided them. Sura saw few animals, wolves mainly, but as soon as they came across them, they vanished into the forest whimpering and afraid. Even the angry cave bear with two small cubs allowed them to move on peacefully. She wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but a memory made its way to her mind and before long she knew why the animals evaded them. She was traveling with the most dangerous beast of them all. She couldn't see it, but she could smell it. The scent wasn't strong, but she sensed it. Pungent, lingering smell of a creature was strong, overwhelming and powerful. She had never seen the wolf in real life, in her dreams she had seen its shadow. She wondered what would call out such a transformation. And how did he keep it under control?
As the day passed away they arrived at a crossroad. Vilkas automatically turned his stallion towards Ivarstead. He knew the journey would be significantly shorter and they could stay the night in at the Inn. He glanced at the sky. The night wasn't very far away. And with darkness, his beast began to wake. And call out its need to hunt. Being surrounded by people usually helped. That's why he preferred the Inn and not an outside campfire with just the two of them. The forest around them held too many beating hearts for his beast to detect. He didn't ask her which way she wanted to go because he assumed that getting to Riften as fast as possible was their primary objective. But before they could continue their journey she stopped him.
"No," she said quietly. "Go the other way."
"To Windhelm?" he glanced back at her. "Are you sure? Going through Ivarstead shortens the journey by half and..."
"Go towards Windhelm," Sura interrupted him. "Someone is waiting for us. For me."
"Waiting?" Vilkas cocked his eyebrow. "Who and why?"
"I don't know yet," Sura said. Her face was covered in uncertainty. She frowned, looked at the road that led to Ivarstead and then to the road that led to Windhelm. The whisper came again. A quiet, calming voice, leading her and showing her the right way. "I don't know," she repeated. "But I need to go towards Windhelm."
"Windhelm is not very friendly to outsiders," Vilkas persuaded. "It will take hours before we get there. We would have to ride through the night."
"We can set up camp," Sura assured him. "I'm not going into the city. But...I have to go that way to reach Riften. There is something important that I must see...or hear...or someone that I must meet. I can't explain it, but..."
"Alright," Vilkas agreed. "As you wish." He turned Abaccus around and led him on towards North. He was feeling restless but would do his best to hide it from Sura. The last thing she needed to see was his rampant beast trying to break loose of its confinement.
"Thank you," she murmured softly.
They continued on for a couple of hours. Windhelm was still quite far away but the sun began to set and the shadows grew longer. The small river valley was soon enveloped by twilight. The first stars began to shine and Sura lifted her head up. The sky was clear and bright, the huge twin moons loomed on top of them and only the sound of water and small forest critters surrounded them.
"Maybe we should stop for the night," Sura suggested. She loved the river's edge, the unclouded sky, and the shining stars and she was in no hurry to get to Windhelm. She knew that whatever was meant to happen, it would reveal itself tomorrow. She wasn't sure how Vilkas would react to her suggestion. He was a warrior, after all, used to traveling long distances without sleep or rest.
"The road isn't safe during the night," he said. "We need to find a place that's a bit more secluded. If there are bandits about they will spot us immediately if we stay here."
She nodded. Of course, that was true. But she knew also that neither of them was defenseless, least of all him. She jumped off the horse and stretched herself. Hours of sitting really got her muscles to tighten up. Abaccus nudged her in the shoulder as if demanding to know why they stopped.
"Yes, thank you," Sura giggled and patted its muzzle. "I think we need to rest now."
They walked on for a while and as the night settled in they found a small clearing by the river. The road wasn't far and a patch of pine trees covered the area between. The river made a sharp turn and large rocky cliffs offered more coverage. Sura stopped by the river's edge, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She hadn't felt this free in a long time. Vilkas removed the saddle and the bridle from Abaccus and allowed the stallion to roam free. It never went too far and it always returned to its owner.
"I'll go see if I can find something to eat," he said. "There's is a tent in one of the bags..."
"Who would want to sleep in a tent on such a night?" Sura interrupted.
"Nevertheless, the nights are cold," Vilkas insisted. "At least take out the sleeping bags. I'll make us a fire when I return. I won't be far, just call out if you need some help."
"I'll be fine," she assured him.
He hesitated for a moment, eyed at Abaccus and ordered the horse to remain at camp. It could at least offer some protection if something happened while he was away. He wasn't sure what he would find but the forests of Skyrim always offered plenty of game. Rabbits, birds, deer. And like before, his wolf sensed his eagerness to hunt and suddenly he felt and saw the heartbeats of the nearby animals. This time he would have to be quicker and settle for smaller prey. He glanced at her once more and then vanished into the shadows of the trees.
Even with Vilkas gone the feeling of freedom and happiness remained. The feeling of safety. She smiled as she looked around and she was humming to herself when she began to gather small sticks and branches from the shore. She piled them together, placed some dry bark in between the cracks and snapped her fingers. The flames came easily, it was almost too simple. She watched her hand as the fire enveloped it and she felt no pain. She knew she could control it now. She remembered how much strength and trouble and energy she needed before when she still was Farengar's apprentice and he taught her the small, the weak, the easiest spells. And how even those required concentration and peace. No wonder she hadn't been able to defend herself back then. If the Orc came back now and tried to attack her, she wouldn't need much time to call fire, wind, ice, even the fiercest of thunderstorms by her side. It felt like cheating like she didn't really earn all these powers that she suddenly possessed. But father didn't give her any choice. He sent her back with and bestowed a fragment of his own powers, spells that she never used before. She knew the Companions didn't care for magic. The Nords, in general, didn't appreciate magical talents. That's why no one really knew what she was capable of. And she had no idea how Vilkas would react to her talents. In a few minutes, she had a good campfire going and she found the sleeping bags. She laid them in front of the fire, one on each side. She didn't have any expectations of them sleeping together.
(damaged goods!) (damaged goods!) (damaged goods!) (damaged goods!)
She shook her head and forced the words away. That voice had been inside her head for days now. On one hand, she felt happy and free and independent. On the other hand, she was only a cat, defective and imperfect. Not good enough, never good enough. A lower race. She wasn't comparable to a Nord, not even to an Imperial. Her race, like the Argonians and the Dunmer, were second best, the slaves, the beasts and the unwanted. And now, even when the Dragonborn was a Khajiit, was he any more respected than an average Nord. No, even less. "Then why?" the bitter voice inside her asked. "Why demand him to help this land and its people?" Because! she whispered to herself. Not all of them are like that. Lydia is good and kind, the Jarl is good and kind...
She stood up, walked by the river and tried to find the happy mood that she suddenly lost. She looked her own mirror image and tried to see the change in herself. Yes, she might have become stronger, even more independent, but was she really that different. Inside she was still same old Sura, with the same old feelings. Sura. Zahraji. She wasn't sure which one she should have been. Raji remembered her parents and her brother(s) and loved them dearly. Sura remembered the Jarl and Lydia and Vilkas and loved them all as much. The two halves of her being were fighting and she wasn't sure how to combine these different beings into one whole person. She didn't hear when Vilkas returned to the camp. He knew how to move quietly, it was second nature to him. He caught two hares and as he laid them down by the fire, she turned to him. In that brief moment, before a fake smile rose on to her face, he wasn't sure what he saw.
"You're back," Sura walked to him and took the hares. "And not empty-handed. Let's see what we can cook out these two poor things."
"Give it your best shot," Vilkas said. "I'm no Gourmet."
Sura cocked her head and smiled. "Neither am I. Well, at least you know who to blame when you get food poisoning."
They ate in silence. It was getting late but neither of them was tired. Vilkas' beast blood kept him awake and alert, Sura had too many feelings, too many unsaid words running in circles inside her head. There were so many things she wanted to say and now that they were alone it was a perfect time. But she didn't know how to start. Or where. From her childhood...from the weird but also comforting return of her brother...or from the most obvious and from the most painful, Mistwatch.
"You should get some rest," Vilkas finally said. "We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I'll keep watch. You don't have to worry."
"Why would I worry?" Sura sighed. "I have a wolf by my side..."
The words left her mouth and only seconds later she realized what she said. She stared at the flames and clearly felt Vilkas' grey eyes upon her. The forest was quiet, the night was quiet. Only the fire crackled between them and she couldn't remove her gaze from it. She believed his beast form was a secret that she should not have known. And now that she knew...now what?
"I wasn't aware you knew," Vilkas swallowed.
"I can smell it from you," Sura answered. "Almost see it. That's why nothing attacked us today. The animals, they all see it too, don't they?"
"Yes," he nodded. "It's enough to carry the shadow with me. I don't have to release the creature itself."
"I saw you in my dreams," Sura began and wrapped her arms around her legs. "When my parents took me from this world when they showed me my memories, you were there, in the mist. Disguised as a wolf."
Vilkas didn't say anything. There wasn't much to say. Only the Circle members knew. Only the Circle members were. And Kodlak asked him and his brother to give up this curse. To him, it didn't matter. Until that day when he lost control and ripped the Orc to pieces. When he saw what happened to Sura, that kind, beautiful, innocent girl he loved so dearly. To that girl who never wanted to hurt anyone in her life. After that, he turned countless times. He came and went in a red haze, destroyed everyone that came across him. He fed, drank their blood and he felt how his beast became stronger and how the Daedric Prince Hircine laughed in his Hunting Grounds, how he enjoyed. Farkas followed his brother, accompanied him, not always to hunt but to keep him safe.
"It doesn't bother me," Sura interrupted his thoughts. "It's part of you. Like what happened to me is part of me. We both have our own beasts, our own curses. Yours is the wolf. Mine...mine is the Orc."
"He still follows you?" Vilkas dared to ask.
"Only in my nightmares," Sura replied. "And that doesn't happen very often anymore."
That was true. She didn't see the Orc that much. But every now and then he loomed in the shadows, just in the corner of her eye, his red eyes burning. And when she turned, he was gone. She learned to live with it. She knew he would never completely leave. With a soft voice, she told him about the dream she saw and relived, where almost everything about her past was revealed. When she met her parents, her brother. She faced her worst fears. Destroyed him, almost completely. Vilkas listened and didn't interrupt her. He sensed sadness in her voice but also the relief. To finally know and remember. To find a place she belonged. This journey to Riften was also part of that discovery. He didn't question her, he only wanted to accompany her and keep her safe.
She still had more to say but she couldn't sit still while talking about it. The words were like jumpy rabbits inside her, she wanted to shout them out to the world but at the same time, she was terrified of what they would cause. She took a deep breath and stood up. She walked away from the fire, to the shore where she could feel the cold wind caress her face. Vilkas watched her frame. The soft, white fur had grown into a long, wavy hair. She removed her armor and was standing there in that thin steel blue tunic. She looked lonely, small and fragile. And still, he could sense a core that was made from steel and a will that was forged from iron. Resilience. Persistence. She looked weak outside but was much stronger on the inside. Her strength was hidden, but you could see it in her eyes.
"Maybe," Sura finally continued. "What happened to me... was right...maybe...I deserved it...to make me what I am..."
"No!" Vilkas argued, stood up and walked to her. He grabbed her arms, forced her to look him in the eyes and shook her almost violently. "Don't say that! No one deserves that. No one!"
"But it gave me memories back," Sura stated. "Isn't that a fair price to pay..."
"For what?" Vilkas's grip was like iron on her shoulders. "For a past that you can't change? For answers that only cause you pain? For a family that is long gone? How is that fair in any way?"
"To remember the bad is better than not remember at all," Sura remained calm. "Before I didn't know who I was or where I came from. I had no past and no future. I was a nobody."
"To me you were..!" Vilkas whispered. "You were..."
"I know," Sura nodded. "That you once cared for me. More than I deserved. And I am grateful for that."
"Grateful?" Vilkas stuttered. "Grateful..? For what? I was not able to keep you safe."
"It wasn't your duty," Sura cried and added without thinking. "You are not my family."
Those words cut deeper than she realized. Vilkas released his hands and backed away. True, they were not family, not related to each other in any way. They shared no relation at all. They were barely friends. Protecting her wasn't his duty. She felt only gratitude for his feelings. She didn't want to include him in her life. She might leave Whiterun, maybe Skyrim, for good. Who knew where the Dragonborn's path would lead. And since he was her family, she might follow him. The only real family she had left. He turned away from her. He wished he could have faced her and told her not to leave him behind. He wanted to say that whatever she would face, he would be there, every step of the way. But it seemed time had done its damage. It had corrupted their future. A future that wasn't there, to begin with.
Suddenly Sura didn't know what to do. She was completely helpless, everything slipped out of her fingers. She wanted to reach out, grab him and hold him back. He was not her family, how cruel could she be! She had not meant it like that. She only meant...he was not her family...now...but if...if it was ever possible...
"Don't think about it!" Lydia's voice shouted in her head. "Tell him. Say it! Before you regret it!"
She made her choice. A leap of faith. If her father had been there at that moment, he might have recognized his late wife in his daughter. The same stubborn nature, the courage to stand up for your loved ones. Namada was always the one who acted before she thought things through. Never shaking, never hesitating. But taking those few steps towards Vilkas required more courage than anything before this moment. Facing the Orc, knowing the truth about her family, those moments crushed her, smashed her into small pieces but eventually she was able to gather herself and grow stronger. If this man rejected her now, she knew it would be the last time she saw him. His rejection would mean that she would not be able to face him ever again. It would mean leaving immediately and cutting him completely of her life. The thought of him being only a memory made her even more desperate to grab him and make him stay.
She rushed forward, wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his back. She felt her own heart race, she had never been this afraid to say something. Do or die, that's not much of a choice, she thought, but Lydia was right. It was the only way to stop this torment, and not create any more misunderstandings. She closed her eyes and said the words her heart sent to her lips.
"I love you."
Her whisper was a like a thunder in that quiet, dark night. Her small hands were strong and her body pressed tightly at his back. In that split second, before he turned to face her, a thousand thoughts crossed his mind. She had not meant it like that, she just said it to comfort him, she didn't really...she felt only gratitude...this was a trick of some Daedric Lord that wanted to mess around with mortals...his mind did not want to believe it. She had the courage, he didn't...
"I love you," she said it again and the words came out easier. This time her voice was louder and more confident.
He spun around but she didn't remove her arms. He had her effortlessly in his embrace, right there where he always wanted her to be. Her head rested in the crook of his neck. He could feel the soft fur of her forehead against his chin. Slowly he lifted his hands, pulled her closer and buried his face into her hair. He remained quiet and Sura lifted her eyes to look at him.
"I...I wanted to tell you," she murmured. "Because all these years I've been avoiding it. Trying my best to hide it. Trying to wish this feeling away. I never felt I was worthy of you...a cat like me..."
"To me you were everything," Vilkas finally found his words. "You are everything."
"I don't want to force this upon you," she continued and lowered her eyes. "I know I'm not...whole...I'm broken...that creature took me and used me and made me worthless..."
He interrupted her, gently cupped her face between his hands and lifted her face up. What she saw in his eyes was deep sadness. But also concern, warmth, and affection. Passion and devotion. She wasn't sure what she saw, just that his grey eyes were filled with gentleness. So, so caring. They were like warm summer clouds, so soft you could almost touch them with your hand, feel the pleasant rain that would fall down and cover the scenery like a silky, smooth blanket.
"To me," he whispered. "You have always been the beautiful, gorgeous woman that I fell in love with years and years ago. Doesn't matter what happened or what will happen. All you need to do is hold onto me like you are doing now. And I will never leave your side."
He wrapped his arms around her small frame and pressed her tight against his body. Everything he ever wanted was right here. As long as this woman was by his side, he would be willing to face anything. Trolls, bandits, dragons...didn't matter what the world threw at him. He would fight every struggle for both of them.
"My mother was right," she finally sighed. "You were waiting for me."
"I was waiting for you," Vilkas admitted and a smile crept on his face. "But I didn't know you were already running towards me. If you hadn't been so courageous, I might have missed you. And not been able to catch you."
"Don't worry," she laughed. "I won't run that fast ever again. And I'll make sure that we both stay on the same path from now on."