Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious
10/20/2012.
Jade's been trying really hard with her diet this month. She now eats toast, soup, banana, avacado, mashed potato, vegetables, and yogurt. Most recently she's been attempting chicken but unfortunately with little success. For some reason the evening she tried chicken again she felt really sick in the night which led to her decision to become a vegetarian.
Now there's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian but the problem with a vegetarian diet for someone like Jade is that it's inherently restrictive. The psychiatrists and nutritionists are recommending that she doesn't restrict her diet at all, especially at this point. But Jade's insisting she's a vegetarian. I'm not going to have an opinion about this because I'm really not sure what the right one is. Honestly, I think as long as she's still trying different kinds of foods she should be allowed to be a vegetarian. She still has feeding tubes every day because she doesn't eat enough to sustain herself yet. But every day she's eating a tiny bit more. Slowly and steadily she's working towards it.
One thing that I never realised until very recently is that Jade actually has no idea what a regular portion is. Since she was thirteen years old she's only known over-eating and purging or under-eating and starving. There's no middle ground and she is literally being coached during meals how to know when she's eaten enough. We're not supposed to ask her if she's feeling hungry or full because she finds that triggering but we can ask her if she feels like a 5 or 4 and then ask her again during the meal if she feels like 7 because that is the point she's supposed to stop eating. I don't completely understand this numbers system yet but I'll probably try and talk to Laura about it next time I go to carers counselling because I want to be able to help her with this.
11/07/2012.
I decided to surprise Jade with a visit today. I've not been able to see her as often as I usually do because I've been so busy recording and performing. It's so exciting but also really scary because if I don't get a good reaction from the public at this point then everything could fall apart. Luckily the few shows that I have done have gone okay and people seem to like my music. Anyway I finished recording a little earlier than usual today so instead of going home I made the spontaneous decision to drive to Valewood.
"Hey." I opened the door to my girlfriends temporary room. Jade spun around confused and then smiled widely.
"What are you doing here?" Jade ran over to me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her and cuddled her back.
"I don't know, I guess I just thought I'd surprise you." I replied nodding towards her notebook. "What are you doing?"
"Just writing a play." Jade shrugged.
"That's nice." I blinked surprised. I didn't know she'd got back into writing since she'd been back at Valewood. She'd never mentioned it before but then maybe she only did it on the days she had no visitors.
"Yeah not really, it's the sequel to Wishing Well and lets just say her Aunt is really going to regret marrying that gank!" Jade grinned mischievously.
"Do I want to read it or will I be sleeping with the lights on for a week?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Ermmm yeah don't read it babe." Jade patted my shoulder before going to pick up her notebook and papers she'd been writing on. She shoved them all into a plastic wallet and then into the small bedside table drawer. I smiled sitting down in the chair next to the bed.
"Hows the recording been?" Jade asked me interestedly.
"Well I was in the studio this morning and rerecorded one of the old tracks." I told her.
"Which one?" Jade queried.
"So Is My Heart."
"Why? I liked that one." She frowned
"We modified the bass a bit. Nothing major but we thought it sounded a bit weird with the old voice track." I explained. Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door but no one came in however I could hear voices in the corridor.
"Section E dinner time." Jade explained. "You came kind of early."
"I know, I'm sorry I just really wanted to see you." I apologised.
"Hey I'm not complaining but yeah.. I think they'll get mad if I don't go." Jade admitted.
"Go." I said firmly. As if I'd be the one who told her to skip a meal. I didn't mind waiting around by myself for a while. Jade pecked me on the lips and was about to leave when there came another knock at the door and the junior psychiatrist Ben I remembered from a few weeks ago popped his head through the door.
"Ahh it's the famous Tori." Ben smiled. Jade rolled her eyes and scowled at him.
"She's not famous." Jade insisted.
"She could be the amount you talk about her." Ben teased
"Shut up." Jade shook her head. Ben grinned turning to me.
"I can check with the boss if you haven't already eaten. You could probably stay."
"Oh I don't know." I shook my head. I felt a bit weird about eating there, not because it was an eating disorder center but just because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable by being there. I know that all the staff ate together with them but usually guests weren't permitted.
"Yes check." Jade demanded before adding quickly "Please." Ben nodded and left the room. Jade and I were only talking for another couple of minutes when the psychiatrist returned and waved us both through. I followed Jade and Ben to the dining room and exhaled nervously.
"Are you scared?" Jade picked up on my angst.
"Not scared, just a bit.. nervous." Jade raised an eyebrow and squeezed hold of my hand.
"This feels like role reversal." Jade said amused, "Don't be scared. It's just food. It's good for you." Jade winked repeating all the things I had said to her in the past. I narrowed my eyes, pulling a tongue at her and she laughed pulling one back.
"So is this some sort of date?" Ben suddenly interrupted our little tongue pulling session.
"Jeese no wonder no one will go out with you when your idea of a date is the dining room in an eating disorder clinic." Jade replied sarcastically.
"Always so sweet and sensitive this one." Ben grinned, showing us through the dining room to the food station, "Anyway lets see what's on the menu for today. Italian pizza, caeser salad, chicken—"
"How is the pizza Italian? I somehow doubt it's from Italy." Jade raised an eyebrow.
"Actually it's an Italian crust." Ben shrugged.
"False advertising in my opinion." Jade replied.
"Did you take an extra dose of sassy today?" Ben teased her again. Jade shrugged and Ben turned to me, "Tori just pick whatever you want."
I nodded and helped myself to a plate of the caesar salad, watching whilst Ben helped Jade to choose her food. It took a lot longer than me for her to find food that she could stomach. In the end she filled her plate with steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes.
"See you later Jade.. Tori." Ben smiled leaving us to go sit down and to talk to another one of his patients. We sat down on one of the smaller tables with two other girls who Jade introduced me to. They were really nice and made me feel welcome. I did notice one of them was probably talking so much to avoid eating but one of the psychiatrists also did and came over to make sure she ate.
"Patronising isn't it?" Jade said to me quietly.
"A little." I admitted. "Ben seems really nice though."
"Too nice!" Jade insisted
"He's sweet." I grinned taking a bite of my salad. "He's like a puppy." I watched as Jade grimaced swallowing her own mouthful of food.
"Can you taste it?" I asked curiously.
"No not at all." Jade replied. "It's like eating water except it's solid.. it's gross"
"Well it will get better eventually." I smiled sympathetically.
"Maybe or maybe it's this food. Taste it." Jade held her fork up to me
"No way, they're watching you to make sure you eat it all." I nodded towards a group of staff who were sitting together at another of the tables. Jade rolled her eyes and forced the bite of potato down her throat.
After another hour in the dining hall, I had long finished but Jade was still struggling through the last few mouthfuls. Ben came over and asked her the usual questions. What number did she feel, had she eaten enough, would she feel too full if she ate any more? Jade shook her head, determined to finish the plate.
Ben stayed sat with us and we talked together until Jade finally finished. I noticed Ben seemed extremely pleased although he was hiding it from Jade.
"Go see Jasper he'll check your tube and give you a slip." Ben instructed her. I saw her glance at me, probably making sure I was ok on my own, but I wasn't nervous anymore.
"Don't worry I won't swoop in on your girlfriend while your gone." Ben grinned. Jade rolled her eyes and stood up from the table.
"You know thats the first time she's eaten a whole meal since she got readmitted." Ben smiled, trying to hide how triumphant he was about it. It was important not to make a big deal about food in front of any of the patients.
"I guessed." I smiled back. We both knew what it meant for Jade. It meant they could slowly stop tube feeding her. She'd get control of her diet back and she'd be able to gain weight through meals and snacks as oppose to artificial nutrition. It was only the very first meal she'd fully eaten, but it had very positive consequences.
11/18/2012.
I went to visit Jade today and when I came in Beck and Jade were sitting together on the bed and they were laughing watching a video on his pearpad. I smiled since it was rare to see Jade laugh these days. Don't get me wrong she's a lot happier but still, she reserves laughing for special occasions.
"Alright I'm gonna get going, see you on Thursday squirm." Beck smiled, putting his pearpad in his bag.
"Bye Beck." Jade smiled back. Beck jumped off the bed and smiled giving me a hug. I hugged him back happy to see him here. I hadn't seen him in so long since he started UCLA as he's been really busy but I was pleased he still made the effort to come see Jade.
"Very good day." Beck whispered in my ear, talking about Jade. He waved us both goodbye before leaving the room.
"You're in a good mood." I pointed out.
"Uh huh." Jade nodded gesturing me closer to the bed. I sat down in front of her and she immediately leant forwards, kissing my lips passionately.
"What was that for?" I asked bewildered.
"I missed you." Jade replied.
"Aw I missed you too." I smiled as she took hold of my hand intertwining our fingers and using her other hand she pushed my hair behind my ear and leant forward to kiss my cheek. My heart was racing like mad and I'd only been here a couple of minutes. Jade dropped my hand and instead wrapped both her arms around my waist. I was completely taken aback.
"I gained 5 lbs." Jade informed me suddenly "I've had no tube feeds today."
"Jade that's amazing." I smiled brightly. I guess this was what Beck meant by 'very good day.'
"I thought you'd be pleased" Jade nodded happily. We rearranged our position on the bed so we were both huddled in the corner holding each other.
"How do you feel about it?" I asked her gently.
"You sound like my shrink." Jade rolled her eyes.
"I'm just.. interested." I looked for the right word.
"I'm not sure. I know I need to gain weight but there's a part of me screaming that I need to lose. That if I gain weight I'll be ugly, no one will like me.. I know it's dumb."
"You really, really don't need to lose any weight." I told her firmly.
"I know that much." Jade sighed.
"You do?" I blinked surprised.
"Maybe I was deluded at first but I see myself Tori. I know what I look like." Jade said slightly solemnly. I wondered how long this had been happening for. As long as I remembered she seemed to believe she was close to obese, that if she'd gain a pound more she'd be fat when in reality she was tiny."
"Well. You look much much better than you did a few months ago." I said softly.
"I still feel fat. I guess I know that I'm not, but it's just how I feel." Jade confessed.
"You're not fat Jade." I told her for about the millionth time. Jade shrugged and I thought of something else. I decided to query her about it, "do you think I'm fat?"
Jade looked horrified and shook her head immediately "No of course not, you're perfect! you're beautiful."
"But look at our legs Jade." I nodded down "We're both wearing leggings, look at the difference." My legs aren't exactly wide either but Jades are much smaller than mine.
"I see it Tori." Jade nodded.
"Then how can you still think you're fat?" I frowned confused.
"I know it makes no sense. I just feel fat and no matter how much weight I gain or lose.. I'm always going to feel fat." Jade shrugged.
"Why?"
"Because I'm broken." Jade sighed. I wrapped my arms around her and felt as Jade snuggled up to me.
"Sorry I know I'm not easy to be around. I appreciate you listening to me."
"Oh god baby.. I've got all the time in the world to listen to you" I assured her.
"Thank you." Jade smiled cuddling up to me. "Please never think, I think you're fat. It's a different game for me. I know it's messed up. I'm working on it."
"It seems like you've done a lot of thinking recently." I said carefully.
"I have." Jade nodded.
"What else have you been thinking about?" I asked interested.
"I want to start doing the paper chain thing again." Jade told me "But I'll have to change it a bit"
"Go for it" I smiled happily.
"White is the same. Blue is one proper meal or less, purple is two or three proper meals, and green is a no tube feed day." Jade informed me. "I'll do it if you or someone could get me the card again."
"Of course I'll get it for you. But wow ok, so you're aiming for no tube feeds." I clarified. It seemed like an ambitious goal. She'd only really been eating again for about two months.
"Yeah I am." Jade thought about it for a second, before nodding. "I'm sick of being a tragic case that you all come visit at set hours and blah, blah, blah. I'm going to get better and I'm going to fight for my life back."
I honestly could have cried. I felt that step forward. My heart swelled with pride that she was doing this and completely on her own accord. No one was pressuring her. She wanted to get better for her. I was overwhelmingly happy. I didn't know what to say so I just kissed her again passionately.
"Talk me through everything ok? Whatever you're feeling, talk to me." I said firmly.
"I'll try." Jade replied before we fell back down on the bed hugging and kissing and both of us smiling. For the first time in our entire relationship I felt like we were equal in fighting this. I'd always felt like she'd been clinging onto my hand or falling. Never had she been so positive and it filled me with hope. I didn't doubt there would be setbacks but something was different this time.
"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked suddenly.
"Yeah." Jade nodded, holding my hand.
"Us getting together, coming out I guess. Did it make the eating disorder worse?" I asked nervously. It was something I'd had in the back of my mind and I'd felt guilty about but Jade didn't even hesitate to answer
"No." Jade shook her head smiling "Us getting together is the best thing thats ever happened to me." I smiled relieved.
"Lets be real Tor. It was almost too easy. No one really said anything to us. Unless did anyone say anything to you about it? Because if they did you should have told me, I would have got my scissors." Jade suddenly frowned looking all protective.
"No no one said anything." I giggled.
"Why did you think that?" Jade questioned curiously. I frowned knowing this would have to come up eventually but I really didn't want to ruin her amazing mood.
"I have to tell you something ok?" I began nervously. "I've actually been seeing a therapist too."
"How long for?" Jade asked confused.
"Since July." I told her truthfully. I wasn't going to tell her what prompted me to make the appointment but she deserved to know about this. I saw the realisation hit Jade as she took in what I was telling her and her smile fell.
"Oh god it's my fault." Jade shook her head looking upset.
"You know what? It was your fault and you know what else? It was probably one of the best things you could have done for me." I said firmly
"I'm not good for you. I'm so sorry. You should stay away from me." Jade looked devastated.
"No you're not listening to me." I squeezed her hands making her look up at me.
"I'm seeing a therapist for me. To look after me." I affirmed.
"But-" Jade went to interrupt.
"It's ok to see a therapist." I assured her.
"Normal people don't see therapists." Jade insisted.
"Says who? And who's normal anyway?" I shrugged.
"What do you talk about?" Jade asked, still seeming confused but seemingly starting to accept that I wanted to see a therapist.
"You." I replied.
"Figures." Jade looked down.
"Not like that." I said softly "She helps me to understand how you feel and she supported me a lot through the heart attack and everything after. But mostly she helps me with sexuality stuff."
"Tori you what?" Jade looked even more bewildered which I already expected she would. "You never seemed like.. what?"
"When I was in Sherwood I had a crush on this girl Frankie, and when I told my best friend about it, she laughed and made fun of me." I confessed. Jade listened intently but frowning.
"She told loads of people at my school and they all made fun of me and I would come home every day after school and just cry. One day Frankie and some of her friends came over to me and called me all these horrible things and they beat me up. They spat on me and threw tampons at me and.." I had to stop talking too upset to carry on. Jade hugged me really tightly and kissed my forehead until I was calm enough to continue. "When I came to Hollywood Arts I never wanted anyone to find out I was gay. No one was ever supposed to know because I thought the same thing would happen. I didn't think I was strong enough to tell anyone that I liked girls ever again. Not until I found you."
"Aww Tori." Jade pulled me into a tight hug and kissed me firmly on the lips. "You should have told me about this."
"I'm telling you now." I sighed, relieved she wasn't mad at me or upset and we pressed our foreheads together cuddled up and holding each other.
"Maybe we're both a little broken" I whispered.
Jade nodded holding me tight. "I love you anyway."
"I love you too." I replied just snuggled close to her. We stayed like that for a long time until Jade bent across to her bedside table and pulled out a tissue to wipe my eyes. I think she was worried about me she kept reassuring me it would never, ever happen again. That the people from my old school were idiots. That I had her now. It made me feel a lot better. In the end I went down to dinner with her again and she finished her plate. I smiled and whispered proud of you into her ear and she smiled back. Just before I went to bed tonight I got a text from Jade and it made me so happy.
Purple. I don't have any card but it would be if I did ;) I love you xxx.
I'll bring it tomorrow:) I love you too xxx.