Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, Chicago Fire or any of its characters.

Chapter 37: Can't Live Without You

Jay and Lauren stayed at the cabin all weekend. The babies were happy and adjusted to the new space well. Lauren felt safe there and didn't want to leave, but she knew they had to go back home. Finally, late Sunday afternoon they packed up and headed home.

Antonio had told Jay that Erin was back, but not in the unit yet. She wanted her spot back, and while it had been held for her, the Commissioner insisted on a trial period to test her mental stability. They were going to slowly work her back in. Jay wasn't happy, but it was out of his hands. He swore to Lauren he would never be partners with her and that he would keep her and the twins safe. Lauren believed him; she knew Jay loved her and the babies and would do anything for them.

Monday he went back to work, and while Lauren was anxious about being alone and Jay having to be around Erin again, she knew she had to suck it up or she'd end up upsetting the babies. Around lunch Shay came over and Lauren was thankful. After the babies nursed, the girls curled up on the couch with them.

"So you ok?" Shay asked quietly.

Lauren nodded; "Yea, yea I'm ok. She uh… part of her deal was that her position would be held pending treatment. The Commissioner is giving her a trial period to work her way back to the unit."

"How does Jay feel about that?"

"He doesn't like it, but he can't really do anything about it. Her deal was made before he was told anything. He's going to make them give him a copy of her psych report from the treatment center too."

"Think they will?" Shay asked as Jayla snuggled against her in her sleep.

"He said it wasn't going to be an option."

"Good for him," Shay smiled kissing Jayla's forehead. Jayden was snuggled on Lauren already the total definition of a mama's boy. The girls watched a movie that afternoon until Jay came home. Once Jay got home, Shay went home to Kelly.

It had been a long day for him, and he was so glad to be home with his wife and babies. The twins were in the floor on their play mat playing and looking around. Jay sat down on the couch and pulled Lauren into his lap. "I'm so glad to be home," he smiled softly kissing her.

Lauren smiled against his lips before laying her head on his shoulder watching the twins. "How was it?" she asked tentatively since neither baby had noticed daddy was home yet.

"It was ok. She's on patrol for at least a week. She passed the psych eval and the treatment center said she'd completed all steps of her program and appeared stable and functional for society."

Lauren was running her fingers through his hair "I know she's eventually going to get her spot back, but I'll never trust her," she whispered.

Jay rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. "You never have to. I made it clear to Voight today that I would never ever, ever work with her as a partner again."

"What did he say?"

"I didn't have to," he smiled as Jayla squealed seeing her daddy was home. They got down in the floor and played with the babies until they got hungry and sleepy.

It'd been two and a half weeks since Erin had been back in Chicago. She'd done patrol for a week and a half, and she'd been riding the desk in Intelligence the other week. Hank told her she would be permanently partnered with Antonio, no questions asked. She'd expected as much based on Jay's reaction outside his apartment that night. She knew he didn't want anything to do with her which made it hard to sit across from him day in and day out in the bullpen without so much as a glance from him. She tried not to let it bother her because she really was better, but it still sucked that she had fucked up their partnership. Jay worked with Kevin or Adam each day, and he would leave as soon as they were free to get home to his family.

The babies were almost three months old. They had been doing really good, and Lauren was so glad. Next week they were going to have family and three month pictures made, and Lauren was going through making sure they had all their outfits ready while the twins were asleep. She wanted to make sure she had everything they needed for all the different poses she'd picked.

Once the babies woke, they were going to visit Jay at the district for lunch. They'd started doing it last week, one day a week. It gave her a chance to get out of the apartment for an hour or so, and it gave the guys a chance to see the babies without having to come by the apartment. Jayden and Jayla both loved seeing their "uncles," but they especially loved seeing Mouse. He usually came over at least once a week to watch a game with Jay, so they knew him better and definitely had him wrapped around their little fingers like everyone else.

Once the babies woke, she dressed them and strapped them in making sure she had everything in the diaper bag. She was just about to walk out the door when her phone started ringing. She groaned having to put everything down to dig it out. "Mouse?" she answered. He rarely called so she knew something was up.

"Hey Lauren. What are you doing?"

"About to head to the station. Why? What's going on Mouse?"

"Stay there. Kelly and Shay are coming there."

"Why Mouse?" she whispered feeling fear overtake her.

"They're going to keep the twins and you're going to ride with me."

"Mouse, just tell me!"

He was quiet for a minute. "Jay's at Med. Something happened on a bust. I don't have the details, I just know I've got to get you to Med."

Lauren couldn't speak. She was staring at her babies frozen with Mouse's words running through her head.

"Lauren? You there?"

"Yea…. Yea… yea… oh god," she cried sinking to the floor in tears. She didn't want the babies to see her like this, but she couldn't stop it.

"Just hang on sweetie. We're almost there," Mouse said. He had about a two minute head start on Kelly, but knowing Kelly he'd be there at the same time or before.

The babies were confused and seeing her so upset, upset them. They started crying in their carriers.

Mouse pulled up at the same time as Kelly and Shay were running for the door. "You'll have to use your key," he called to them. Kelly nodded and they ran up the stairs. They could hear the babies crying out in the hall, and Kelly unlocked the door as quickly as possible. The sight in front of them broke their hearts.

Shay got both carriers and went to the nursery to calm the babies. Kelly scooped up his sobbing sister and she held on tight. "It's ok sis. He's going to be ok," he whispered as Lauren clung to him. She'd already gone through this once when he'd been redeployed, and she didn't know if she could again. She couldn't lose him, not after everything they'd been through, not like this. She needed him, the twins needed him.

Kelly carried her downstairs to Mouse's car. She clung to him and begged him to stay with her through her tears. It literally broke his heart. He buckled her in and cradled her cheek. "I've got to stay and take care of the babies. Will is there and so is Mouse. You'll be ok and so will Jay. Call me ok? I love you Sis."

Lauren nodded as he kissed her forehead. He closed the door and watched them speed off before going up to help Shay. Luckily both babies had calmed by the time he got back upstairs.

"She ok?" Shay asked quietly as he took Jayla from her. The little fighter having a special place in her Uncle Kelly's heart. The four of them went and curled on the couch.

"No. She begged me to stay with her. She's terrified."

"Oh Kel. Go. I'll be fine with them."

"Will knows she's coming and Mouse and the rest of the team is there."

"Kelly, go. Seriously. They were there with her last time. She needs her big brother. I'll be fine with these two."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, babe. Go," she smiled.

"I'll be back soon," he promised kissing her softly. He handed Jayla back to her and kissed both babies before going to Med.

When Kelly got there, Maggie pointed to where they were. Will had her in the break room away from everyone, and when he saw Kelly, he opened the door for him. Lauren saw him and jumped into his arms, holding tight as she cried. "It's ok lil bit. I'm here," he whispered sitting down with her.

"How is he?" Kelly asked Will as Natalie joined them.

"Shay got the babies?" she asked and Kelly nodded.

"I just finished shift. Want me to go help her?"

"Please," Kelly said and Natalie nodded. She gave Will a tight hug and gentle kiss. "Keep me updated," she whispered and he nodded.

Lauren's sobs had turned into quiet cries on Kelly's shoulder. "He's in surgery," Will said to Kelly's previous question. "The bullet went between his neck and vest so shoulder area. That's all they'd tell me."

It was driving him crazy not being in there, but it was hospital policy and he didn't need to do anything to ruin the chance of a permeant job here. Every so often he'd go check with Maggie for an update but she didn't have one. Lauren eventually cried herself to sleep on Kelly.

They'd been there for a couple of hours when Conner Rhodes walked into the breakroom.

"Well?" Will asked quietly.

"He's stable. We were able to remove the bullet. He lost a good amount of blood so we gave him a blood transfusion. He also took at least one maybe two or three to the vest. Nothing is broken, but he's badly bruised. He's on a ventilator to help his body heal. I'm hopeful he's going to make a complete recovery Will, but you know it's up to him at this point."

Will nodded. He knew Conner was right and that they'd done everything they could. "What room?"

"He's still in recovery for another twenty minutes and then he'll be in 1530."

"Thanks," Will said knowing that was one of the private rooms. Conner nodded and headed back out. Kelly let out a soft sigh as he softly rubbed Lauren's back. He needed to wake her to tell her and she needed to go home and nurse or pump, but he knew that was going to be a fight. "Hey sis, wake up," he whispered.

Lauren moaned and turned her face into his neck making him chuckle.

"Come on Lauren, wake up," he said rubbing her back and moving her a little.

"Kel?" she said sleepily as she rubbed her eyes.

"Yea lil bit it's me," He said as she woke up and looked at him. The nickname kept slipping out; he knew it was a comfort to her right now so he didn't try to stop it. "Jay's out of surgery. They removed the bullet and had to give him blood. His chest is also bruised from taking some to the vest. He's on a ventilator to let him heal."

"Can I see him?" she whispered.

"In about ten minutes. They'll be moving him to a room. I think you need to go home for a little bit, rest and see the babies."

Lauren adamantly shook her head no. She wasn't leaving until she knew he was going to be ok. Kelly sighed. "You need to at least pump sis."

Lauren looked around; she realized she had nothing with her. "I… I…"

"I know. If you won't go home even for a few minutes I can run get you whatever you need," Kelly said quietly.

"Please, Kel," she whispered. She did not want to leave Jay yet.

"Yea I will. Just have Shay or Natalie get it all together in a bag," he said handing her his phone. Once the call was done, he left her to go with Will to Jay's room while he ran to their apartment to get her stuff. He was bringing food back too and making her eat.

Will kept Lauren close as they walked to Jay's room. He knew what to expect on the other side of that door, and he wanted to make sure she'd be ok. He'd updated the team before they came back. They all said they would be there.

Will turned to her before he opened the door. "You ready?" he asked quietly.

Lauren took a deep breath and nodded. Jay needed her and she would be there for him. Will slowly pushed open the door. It was quiet except for his heart monitor and the ventilator. Lauren's hands were shaking but she tried to hide it. Will pulled a chair by Jay's bed for her.

She carefully grabbed his hand as she looked him over. He was pale and still and her heart was breaking. She needed him so much; she couldn't lose him. "Jay," she whispered biting back the tears as she brushed his wayward curl from his forehead.

Will settled on the couch after looking all the monitors over. He was still stable and that let Will breathe a small sigh of relief. They just needed him to wake up now.

Lauren rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand as she watched him. She was trying so hard not to break, but she was finding it more and more difficult to hold it in. The tears slowly started falling down her cheeks. "You can't leave me Jay. I need you, our babies, they need you. You need to fight; come back to me baby, please," she whispered kissing the back of his hand.

Will's heart broke for his sister-in-law as he watched her beg and plead with Jay to wake up. Kelly was back within an hour. He had her clothes and her pump and kisses from each baby. He also had dinner for the three of them. Lauren tried pushing the food away, but Kelly insisted she needed to eat, for the babies. Will backed him on it, and she gave in.

After they made sure she ate enough, despite feeling like she wanted to throw it back up, Lauren covered with Jay's favorite Blackhawks blanket that she'd had Kelly bring and pumped. He was keeping them in a lunchbox/cooler with an ice pack until he went back home.

Nurses were in and out every hour checking on him and adjusting IVs as needed. After sitting with him for three hours with no change, Will went to tell the team to go home. Mouse was the only one who refused to leave and Will understood bringing him back to the room with them.

Once Mouse was in there, Lauren couldn't take it any longer. "I need to know what happened," she said quietly never letting Jay's hand go.

Mouse looked between Will and Kelly and Kelly instantly knew it wasn't going to be good. "Why don't we skype the babies. They miss mommy," he smiled at her.

Lauren sighed. "Yea ok," she said glancing at Jay. "I don't want them to hear all this. I'll go out in the hall," she said taking the phone. "But I will get answers Kelly."

"I know. But maybe the answers aren't what you need right now. Focus on getting him awake and then answers will come later."

She knew he was right so she didn't argue. She took his phone out into the hall and skyped Shay. She and Natalie had just finished feeding the babies a bottle and were fixing to put them down for the night. They were sleepy and fussy, and Lauren cooed and talked to them softly. She hated she wasn't there. She missed their nightly routine, but with Jay here, she needed to be here.

As Jayden and Jayla listened to her softly talking to them like she always did, they drifted off to sleep in their aunts' arms. "Thank you so much," Lauren told them quietly.

"Of course sweetie. Don't you think twice about it. We love being able to love and spoil on them," Shay smiled.

"Exactly. We'll gladly do this to help you Lauren. We love you."

Lauren bit back more tears. "I know. I love yall too. Kiss my babies for me, and I'll talk to yall tomorrow."

They ended the call and Shay and Natalie tucked the babies in while Lauren went back to Jay's room. She sat back down in the chair holding his hand and softly begging him to please wake up. She eventually cried herself to sleep again not knowing if she'd ever see those beautiful blue eyes again or not.

The next morning when she awoke she noticed two things right off. One, she needed to pump, and two she was alone with Jay. She had no idea where Will, Kelly and Mouse were, but she wasn't worried. She covered up with his blanket and pumped. She put them in the lunchbox noticing the other bottles were gone which meant Kelly, or someone, had gone home sometime. Jay was still sleeping and she was breaking.

She sank down in the floor by his bed and sobbed, body wracking sobs. She couldn't be a single parent… she couldn't lose him. He was her other half, her soulmate, the father to her babies and she needed him so much. She cried so hard she thought she was going to throw up. She was crawling towards the bathroom as the sobs continued when Kelly and Will walked in.

Kelly saw her first and ran to her picking her up. She pointed to the bathroom and he got her in there just in time for her to throw up all in the toilet. Will came to help him giving him a cold wash cloth as Kelly held her telling her everything was going to be ok.

Once she calmed down some, Will asked her what happened and she wouldn't look at either one of them. "I just…. I…. dunno…. I broke," she whispered as tears continued falling down her cheeks silently. "I just cried too hard," she whispered.

Kelly held her to him. "It's ok sis. It's going to be ok. You're not alone and Jay's going to be fine," he said holding her tight. Lauren wanted to believe him so bad that she didn't say anything. Kelly picked her up and carried her back to the room. He tried to lay her on the couch, but she protested saying she needed to be near him so Kelly gave in.

Lauren slept a couple more hours in Kelly's lap sitting by Jay. Mouse had returned too and was sitting with Will. Lauren roused when she felt like she needed to nurse. "Go home lil bit and see your babies. He'll be fine," Kelly said to her.

She did miss her babies. "Ok," she said quietly getting up and getting the lunchbox with the bottles. "Promise you'll call?"

"Yes," Will said with a smile.

Lauren nodded as she leaned over Jay. She softly kissed his forehead. "I'm going home to see our babies for a few minutes. Don't you give up Jay. You come back you hear. We need you so much," she whispered softly kissing his cheek. "I'll be back soon baby," she whispered in his ear before she left.

When she got home the babies were so happy to see her. Lauren was utterly exhausted and looked like hell, but she smiled big seeing her twins. "Hey little loves. Have you had fun with Aunt Les and Aunt Nat?" she cooed taking them both.

The babies were smiling and cooing at her, and it was the first real smile she smiled since yesterday at lunch. "I'm gonna go feed them," she said quietly taking them to her room.

She grabbed hers and Jay's pillows and placed them on each side of her. She laid the babies on them as she got ready to nurse. Both latched on hungrily, and she rubbed their cheeks. "I'm sorry mommy and daddy weren't here last night or this morning. But daddy is hurt, so mommy is having to take care of him. I promise he's going to get better, and he'll be back home loving on you two before you know it," she said biting back the tears. She wasn't sure if what she was saying was true, but she prayed it was.

After the twins nursed, she snuggled with them for a little bit. "Ok babies, mommy has got to get back and take care of daddy. You be good for your aunts and mommy loves you," she cooed kissing their cheeks. Both were sound asleep, so she took them and laid them in their crib.

She went back out. "You should be ok on bottles for a little bit. One of them will bring more tonight," Lauren said quietly. Both Shay and Natalie gave her tight hugs. "I've got to get back," she whispered. They nodded as she headed out.

She was almost back to Med when Will started calling. Lauren tried not to panic as she answered.

"Where are you?" he asked quietly. She could hear a lot of background noise, but she couldn't make anything out.

"Fixing to be pulling into Med. Why? What's wrong?"

"Everything's ok. He's awake and he's fighting the ventilator. He keeps looking around so I think he's looking for you."

"I'll be right there," she said hanging up and parking. She jumped out and ran into Med running for his room. She slowed down right outside the door and took a deep breath. She pushed the door open and the blue eyes she loved so much locked on hers.

She couldn't help the tears that started again. She flew to his side, sitting down on the bed cradling his cheek. "You're ok. I'm here. It's ok," she whispered seeing him calm. "I just went home to feed our babies and I came right back," she said kissing his forehead.

He wasn't fighting now, and she felt him relaxing making her relax. He was watching her every move, turning his cheek into her hand more. "I'm here, I promise," she whispered. With his good arm, he reached up and wiped her tears making her smile.

She softly kissed his forehead. "I'm so glad you're awake. I was so scared," she whispered. Jay rubbed her cheek as Dr. Rhodes walked in.

"It's so nice to see you awake Detective," he smiled walking over by Jay's bed. Lauren moved to get out of his way, but Jay kept his hold on her hand. Conner checked his vitals and noticing they were stable he told Jay he was going to remove the ventilator. Jay nodded and kept his hold on Lauren's hand not wanting her far. She gave it a reassuring squeeze so he'd know she wasn't leaving.

Once the ventilator was removed, Will gave him some water to sip to soothe his sore throat. Once he could talk a little Conner asked him the normal questions. Jay could answer every one knowing where he was, why he was there, the date, where he worked, and that he was married and had twins. After that, Conner left telling them to get some rest and he would be around tomorrow.

Jay was watching Lauren closely. She kept rubbing her thumb on his hand; she looked exhausted but still so beautiful to him. He sent Will a look asking him to give them a minute and Will nodded. Once he was gone, Jay tugged on her hand to get her to look at him. Lauren slowly met his eyes. "Come here," he whispered and she shook her head looking down. She was trying so hard to hide her tears.

"Lauren…. Come here please," he whispered tugging on her hand again.

"I can't hurt you Jay," she said quietly.

"Lauren Kathleen come here," Jay said tugging hard.

Lauren looked up and she couldn't hide her tears. She crawled into the bed on his good side and sobbed into his shoulder as he rubbed her back with his good arm. Kelly came in and saw them before quietly going back out giving them time.

"I'm here baby. It's ok. I'm ok," he whispered over and over trying to reassure her.

"I…. almost… lost…. you," she sobbed. "Can't…. lose you…. I just can't."

"I'm right here. I'm not leaving you love. I'm not," he whispered.

It wasn't long and she'd cried herself to sleep. Kelly and Will returned and found her sound asleep curled into him. Jay was drifting too. "Does she know?" he asked them quietly.

"No. Mouse couldn't tell her," Will said.

Jay barely nodded. "Do yall know?"

"Pieces," Kelly said. "But it's not important. You get some sleep and you can tell us later."

Jay nodded as he drifted off holding his girl.

Well another chapter… any ideas what happened to Jay? Let me know what you thought :)

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