***This chapter contains mature content. The next one, too. Jugurtha has warned you.***
Many thanks to my muses: Nofangsallowed, LJSummers, blue2185, MiaCullen, Rgwmnks, Redsoxlove, blondie9779, schleprock, pclo, squarepancake, June, Miss Poison, Jacque, lisamackb, oncebitten, Disney Vampire, dellatwi, notmyself, Sheeijan, elphabacy35, Robs_Muse, Sariedee, pomme_de_terre, Bella S, Jenny 1979, Merrisol, fanficreader83, Cullen Pearl, RedneckAngel, Tapiana, Amortentia_4u, Forest Sentry Koneji, luv4edwardcullen, CindyWindy, mamato, TwilightMomofTwo, PurpleMadDragon, Sapphira Majoram, Codelina, Angelbach, Mutt N. Feathers, Pamela J. Austin, and Gwen69.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. But Starched Shirt Edward, Jugurtha, the O'Sheas, Sister Claire, Horatio, Grace, Jericho, Skeevy, Violet Gorgon, Eve, FitzCarrion, FitzCorpse, and FitzCadaver, FitzSinister, FitzLuck, Young To Me Old Power, and Aaron and any other original characters are mine. So there.
Many thanks to VJGM for being my validating beta.
Thanks to Fantasy Mother for beta-ing.
Snarky Summary: Thank you all for your amazing reviews! I always keep my promises. And I did state that the next chapter that I had written was just wrong on so many levels. See? You'll have to tell me if it lived up to its name. For this chapter you need to remember that the whole immortal world is on edge after the Volturi destroyed an elementary school in Los Angeles and killed the local coven as punishment. Edward and Bella had a very busy first date. Edward captured a haunting memory of Mrs. Stanley having to pry a sobbing Bella from Liam's tombstone a few months after his death. What should stand out in your mind aside from that whole Other Immortals lurking on her land – in the flesh and in spirit, her Great Uncle's armory and questionable plant collecting hobby, is that Bella and Edward had a HUGE discussion in her bedroom at the farmhouse. What you should see is that Bella has been increasingly opening up and letting Edward in from an emotional perspective. She's not a talker. Edward learned that she was closest to Liam, who was her hero. She was planning on moving in with Liam before he and her Grandparents were murdered. Also, remember that the Violet Gorgon has threatened the Cullens, who have armed themselves with wolves aplenty, and a silver-tongued shaman lawyer who dates the chief of police, too. Just in case. On a mission for the Committee of Geezers and Geezerettes, Edward recovered a mysterious bracelet and set of pearls from Bella's safe deposit box. Edward for the past few chapters has been having dreams when he sleeps about episodes from his human life. Last chapter he dreamed about Carlisle's role in his human family's life, and of the circumstances of his turning. As we concluded the last chapter, he was holding "his little algae lover" in his arms. And so we begin.
Heart of Darkness – Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels
She had her first nightmare forty minutes into her sleep cycle. And it actually woke me up from a conversation with Hezekiah concerning our encounter with the Other Immortals and that pesky power, um, surge that never happened when I wanted it to. He'd suggested I give her the shirt off my back before he had stuffed me back into my body. Ye gads! I was not aware he meant it literally.
Jasper said from the downstairs hallway, "It's time."
It would not do for him to discover me standing shirtless over her – so I'd been sure to change at wolf-vampire speed in my closet. I hated leaving her, and knew she needed comforting in my absence. I threw my shirt at her like raw meat to a starving lion. She pulled it against her face, inhaled deeply and said, "mmm Dream Edward." I attempted to tamp down the jealousy that arose when she clutched it to her chest. Giving truth to the phrase green-eyed monster in more ways than one, I wanted to push the shirt out of the way and take its place. How pathetic was that? Jealous over a lump of cotton. What I would not do to hear her simply say, "mmm Edward." Was that too much to ask? Mother stood in the hallway. How mortifying.
I asked, "Can you smell my shirt that I left for her?"
"Not at all. I can smell you in the room. But even the scent of your shirt is not on her."
As an experiment Mother crossed to the side of the bed and leaned over cautiously sniffing at the fabric like a wine taster. She shook her head emphatically, 'no'. Despite the fact I could smell her; my singer had a "scent"-antic dead zone surrounding her for almost everyone else. Initially, I'd dismissed her as a dull human girl who merely smelled nice. Upon further reflection, I had to reconsider that evaluation. She was most definitely a not-so-dull-after-all-human-woman-who excelled in intellect, spirit, charm, and driving me insane. Her unhinged relatives, too. Especially on that insane business. I swear they were trying to annoy me to un-death.
I reminded myself, Jugurtha, and Starched Shirt Edward did as well, that this was for a good cause as I trudged from the house into the car with my siblings. Mother kept watch over her and the awake and alert pack.
We drove away listening to their whining. "Aw man, this is so uncool! Why does he get to go and we don't?" Stoic John Quill sat at our side. We had the windows down in case he lost the bird he'd eaten a little while ago. The one with feathers.
It was good having extra friends in town. The Denali clan grumbled a bit at Carlisle's request for them to stay out of my girlfriend's sight. Notwithstanding they devoutly respected Volturi law– I could not have Tanya near her or her sisters. I knew my delusional cousin would have had to grill my singer and I couldn't have that. So I had to give them a job. And they were appropriately entertained when we asked them for a tiny favor. In fact, given our history with the wolves, when we told them what the favor entailed, they were upset we had not asked sooner.
Tanya, and Kate broke into two fertility clinics that had stored samples of Billy Black's sperm, all fifty deposits that he had left. As a matter of fact, Irina and Carmen handled four other fertility clinics across the state that also were blighted by the presence of his two hundred sixty-eight DNA samples and frolicked with gleeful abandon. And to our amazement, all his samples - and Paula had kept track of each and every one by virtuous snooping in her brother's voluminous records - grew legs and jumped into a fire, never to be seen again. Jasper had double-checked Paula's record keeping out of an abundance of caution given Liam was still giving him fits. We'd found one other stash of seven hundred twenty-one deposits under a fake name in Seattle and Eleazar was only too happy to handle that.
Paula agreed to pay a social call to her brother that night, and called him to meet to, "bury the hatchet," as she called it. She offered to share a drink with him. Jacob and Billy both were out like the dim-witted lights they were, thanks to a happy wave of power on my part. And I was not skulking in their shrubbery. They didn't have shrubs anyway. They had Douglas Firs. Badly maintained ones. How could someone be too stupid to manage trees, and still sneak up on someone as fiendishly clever as Liam O'Shea? Genevieve, too?
Neither woke up when tribal elders came into the room and lifted Billy from his chair. By that I am, of course, referring to the Blacks, not thank God, the Swans. The dead in the ground ones.
The very sight of the nine hundred fifty-two - someone had been a busy little bee in conducting research of his own - sperm samples that Billy had stored in his garage - made Harry Clearwater turn green. Billy Black now became the talk of the neighborhood given the nature of his hobby. Sperm collecting. Worse, they had discovered his poor taste in pornographic magazines that he used while conducting said scientific inquiries as well as his prescription strength… for equipment that…..never mind.
Harry muttered something about Billy being 'five steps below Hustler magazine,' in his vice choices. Emmett thought Harry was too nice. Pornographic dis-appreciation aside, this was going to be too much fun. Well, as much fun as I could have being separated from my singer. With my clothes on. I had left her side reluctantly to handle another issue in her life that required my attention. I tried to convince myself that this sacrifice of time would be for us.
"It's for a good cause. Focus," Jugurtha soothed.
"Some people should not be permitted to fling their spawn on the world." Starched Shirt Edward opined." We all shook our heads in agreement.
As he stood staring at the rows of samples, Harry Clearwater's lips twitched.
Paula's did too.
"This is poetic you know."
"I'm not ashamed to admit I have a strong desire to videotape it to record for posterity as a family heirloom," she chortled as she dumped another set of vials, how appropriate a word, into the fire.
They destroyed all his samples at the house meticulously. Donning bio-hazard bright blue rubber gloves, Harry, Sue, Paula and the other elders cheerfully helped throw them into an oil barrel that had a toasty fire inside. Rosalie and Father were otherwise occupied at the Quileute's health clinic. And I joined in. I was a doctor. Twice. Being totally unprofessional.
Four hours later, Billy woke up in a hospital bed at the clinic.
Groggily, he saw Paula and hoarsely asked, "What the hell happened?"
"Brother dear, the best news happened. It's a miracle!" Paula gushed as she shut the curtains to his room.
"What are you talking about?"
"You're going to be ok."
"What?" Billy's features paled.
"You passed out and fell on the coffee table." She positively beamed at him as she approached the foot of his bed.
"What the hell? I did? I have a headache and a dry mouth."
"Oh that's most likely from your surgery."
"My what? I didn't fall bad enough to have surgery." He looked down and nothing looked different although he was fully clothed, "What are you talking about?"
"Well, I'm your sister and all and it kind of embarrasses me to have to tell you this." She actually blushed. She was worth every penny of the fee she charged by the hour, she lied well for a human.
"What?"
"Well when you fell, it damaged. Um. You landed, uh, um, awkwardly. They had to do surgery and I'm sorry to say they had to take drastic measures. But you are going to be just fine." She soothed. "Eventually."
"What the hell?" he started patting himself.
"What did they operate on?"
"Oh nothing much."
"Then why don't you just spit it out and tell me?"
"Fine. You asked for it. The doctors had to remove your testicles. Both of them were crushed in the fall."
He fainted three times.
When he finally regained consciousness and had stopped hyperventilating, Paula said, "Oh, and here's your mail. I fetched it for you."
She handed him a stack of letters. He flipped through them trying to take his mind off of the news and found an envelope and thanked God that he was a good planner. No one would stop him. He was Billy Black. He always won. He opened a letter from his fertility clinic and read as they apologetically informed him that every single sample of his sperm had been destroyed in a lab accident the week before and could he please come back in to donate in the name of science? Forging the letter had been a nice touch.
Paula's delighted grin told him everything he needed to know.
"You did this!" He seethed at his sister. "I'm going to kill…."
That's about when she leaned forward, patted him on the cheek, and phased.
It was night, after all. Shreds of her shirt landed on his face. He had to spit the leather toe of her right shoe from his mouth. Truth be told, it did look better on him than on her. Especially that whole foot in the mouth angle. And it was a good thing we had set him up in a room with a ceiling that could hold her.
We had cleared the floor of all nonessential personnel. Only Quileute tribe members were on staff after juggling shifts.
In wolf form, Paula leaned forward and snuffled against Billy a time or six.
That's when Jasper strolled in the room and decided to amp up Billy's fear.
"Hello there Mr. Black, my name is Jasper. I see you and your sister are becoming better acquainted. Family reunions are grand, aren't they?"
Billy had already soiled himself, an acquired trait that seemed to run in the family. His heart monitor indicated his rate had jumped significantly, might I add. Billy nodded just as Paula, the evil woman, decided to let loose and drool on his face, licking her chops and snapping her teeth. He fainted four times. Paula licked his face each time to wake him up, considerate sister that she was. And she had eaten garlic bread prepared by my Mother's very own hand not long ago. Her breath when combined with the Roquefort cheese that had been on the salad was enough to lure him to consciousness each time.
Rosalie came in with his chart wearing surgical scrubs.
"What the hell is going on?" Billy spluttered. Looking terrified at the wolf, wondering why she wasn't attacking.
"Kill the blood suckers!" he roared pointing at said group standing in corner. Sucking on nothing, might I add for the record. I thought the blood staining my scrubs was an extra touch. It was deer but he didn't need to know that. And fine, I had put some around my mouth as well. Billy screamed when he finally stopped bellowing long enough to notice me in the dark corner. Jacob solved that whole nurture vs. nature debate. The apple, regardless of origin, did not fall far from that tree.
The wolf shook her head emphatically "no" and Billy wailed, "It's your duty. As head of the family and rightful chief of the tribe I order you! He ate my testicles! This means war!"
I felt the need to point out. "Testicle eating is not covered in the treaty, is it Jasper?"
"No, brother, I don't believe there's a clause for that."
Ignoring his histrionics Rosalie patted Paula on the side, stroking the fur casually saying, "I've got to find out what conditioner you use." We all decided to ignore that she basically just groped Paula's hindquarters. "Oh, where was I…..Mr. Black, I'm delighted to say that removing your testicles went well. You will have a full recovery." Rosalie said in her most professional tone.
"You're what….nineteen? There's no way you can be a doctor."
Fear must have robbed him of what little brainpower he had. I really did wonder about Jacob's connection to him then. Then again, I realized stupidity could be learned.
"Actually, I can, Mr. Black. I'm older than you are." She flashed her teeth and crumpled the bed rail by his hand like saltwater taffy. "And operating on you was a distinct pleasure," she leaned forward on the word "pleasure." She then swept from the room, leaving Jasper to his fun.
Tanya and her sisters walked in. "Well, hello there, aren't you just the cutest little eunuch I've seen in three centuries," Tanya cooed trailing her fingers down his chest. "We're going to be your nurses tonight. And we can't wait, can we, ladies? Wouldn't it be fun to hang out with us for an eternity, William, you naughty boy you?" That's when Billy started screaming again. Tanya had trailed her fingers low enough to get his attention. "Oops. We'll step aside. You are going to get a sponge bath next, big boy." She left the room hips at full sway.
"Your sister has asked me to explain something to you since you don't have the capacity to understand her when she's in this form."
"Why should I listen to a word you say leech?" Billy panted. He thought to himself, "These cold ones are all out to get me. But I'm a Black. I'll win. I always do. And there's no way I'm letting them get a fang on the Swan land."
At vampire pitch, I repeated his thoughts to Jasper, Paula, Carlisle, and John. The true genius of Jasper is that he, when he could control himself, really knew how to wield his gift like a master. If Billy was too afraid, the message would not sink in. My devious brother used just enough of his gift to strike the right balance.
"First, you're absolutely right. We are all out to get you, us being cold ones in alliance with the tribe with a renewed treaty." Billy made a strangled noise. "Second, I can control your sister, " We didn't think he needed to know how, "and shucks, you know how those young wolves get frisky and temperamental. I'm the only thing keeping her in check right now, want to see why?"
Billy held out his palm in supplication as Jasper turned for the door, "No no, please stay. What do you want?" His voice broke.
Jasper continued, "That reminds me of my next point. You're going to follow the tribal rules. You will leave both Swans alone. You already murdered Bella's Grandparents and Great Uncle. And by the way, Liam sent a message for you."
"I never murdered anyone. They died of asthma," he sneered thinking of that night enshrined in his sick little mind. His thoughts turned to the tale he had spun to his idiot of a cousin-in-law about how Jake had bought them bees as a gift not knowing that they were allergic. He recalled with a mental chuckle telling the man while actually crying real tears how his poor son had tripped and set them loose in the house and he was too young at ten going on eleven to be tried for murder….. Fondly Billy recalled convincing Jake to order the bees and pay for them with a money order. He had to think positive. He could get through this latest challenge. He always did. I repeated his thoughts at vampire pitch. Paula growled and lunged. Billy fainted again. We woke him up this time with a pail of cold water.
And I would know nothing about the first thing he saw being me licking my fingers. I can't help it if he thought I ate his testicles. The man is a moron.
"Yes, Mr. Black. All that is true, but that doesn't mean Liam is silent." Jasper picked up the conversation as if nothing had happened. "And blaming their deaths on Jake to your gullible cousin, the coroner? Pathetic. And the Swans and Liam are still mighty sore about those bees."
"I admit nothing, and have no idea what you are talking about." Amateur. That didn't sound remotely convincing. Perhaps the shaking business added to that effect.
"Liam said you'd say that, too." Jasper lied smoothly.
"Well, pretending for a minute that you could talk to the dead, what does he want?" Billy thought with a mental chortle that it wasn't like Liam could touch him now. And God his sister's breath stunk. Thank God genetics kept her from killing him.
And genetics don't keep Paula for tearing your throat out." Jasper taunted.
"Fine. Liam speaks. What did he demand now?" He tried to bluff his way through that losing the jugular to his sister business.
"Oh, he doesn't want anything. He asked me to tell you something. He promised you vengeance and butterflies. Billy stiffened his upper body completely at that phrase. Now he believed Jasper.
"You've lost your testicles; you've lost your stored sperm at each of the seven clinics you used and the samples in your garage." Billy's face fell, "And he thought you'd like the butterfly he gave you."
"What?"
"You might want to look under your hospital gown." Frantic, Billy tore the cloth to reveal a prominent butterfly tattooed on Billy's flesh in a vivid shade of green that stood out on his skin that read "Property of Liam." Billy squealed.
Vengeance and butterflies indeed.
"Oh…..and he wanted you to know that it took a lot of power to push your car off the road that night, but he'd happily do it again if you set one foot near his family." Jasper was totally lying there, but Billy bought it.
"What night?" Billy started to feel the fear Jasper directed at him.
"The one where you had your car accident and were paralyzed permanently. That night." My brother continued to bark to Billy's blanched face, "You will leave the Swans alone. You will stop pressuring Jacob in any way, shape and or form to have any kind of relationship with Bella. And if you ever threaten the Swans or anyone else in the tribe again, your sister will be the one to discipline you if Liam doesn't get to you first. And Billy, Liam has taken up watching over you as a personal hobby. Are we clear?" Paula added in a few growls at appropriate points. She was having the time of her life.
Harry Clearwater walked into the room on that note and said, "Hi there Paula!" He acted like he had just passed her in the street which disconcerted Billy even more. "Nice coat of hair you've got going on." Harry reached out and did some type of movement where they bumped his fist to her claws gingerly. "Billy, declaring yourself the rightful chief… now that kind of violates the spirit of the whole probation agreement we had. You are off our rolls of the tribe as of now. And I thought I'd give you your official warning that I mean to back up what cold boy wonder here just said. You so much as twitch in Bella or Charlie's direction and I'll let them have you. Jake can live in the house, but you are no longer allowed on Quileute land for any reason, and that will be enforced by the pack. Paula dear, you look lovely as usual, and we've changed our mind on that probation for you. Call me and let's do lunch." He made a gesture with his right hand mimicking holding a cell phone in an exaggerated manner and winked at her on his way out. Paula huffed at him and nodded, "yes" as Billy quivered and spluttered about calling his lawyer.
Smirking Jasper said, "What precisely are you going to tell any lawyer that would take your money? That supernatural shapeshifting wolves and vampires formed an alliance against you? Now that you are no longer in the tribe, you no longer fall under the protection of the treaty, and are just another ordinary human."
Jasper picked up the shredded clothing of Paula's that was all over the room at vampire speed. Billy had never seen anyone move that fast and squealed thinking Jasper was after him. Emmett lumbered into the room with a fresh set of clothes for Paula, shoes too.
"You violate the treaty if you bite a human." Billy whined. Just like Jacob to natter on about paperwork with faced with a higher power.
"Mr. Black. Do you really think a soul in the Quileute tribe - now that they know you murdered gobs of people - would care? They've been trolling through your garage all day staring at that deplorable picture collection of yours and everything else that went along with it. Half the tribe helped burn your sperm samples."
Emmett said, "And man, saying your taste in porn is five rungs below Hustler magazine insults all the bad porn the world over." He nodded derisively at Billy. "Later, killer," and left the room with Jasper, who of course, could not resist sending one last blast of terror to Billy as he looked at his sister and screamed. After an hour of drooling over him and growling at him gnashing her teeth and clawing at his bedding and mattress, barely missing him in the process, she phased back into her human form and changed while he lay unconscious. They sedated him and changed out the mattress and made the room look exactly like nothing had happened.
Paula woke him up again, squeezed his cheek, wiping away his fresh tears and said, "Brother dear, I am now head of the family and I'm the head wolf in the tribe."
"What do you mean head wolf?" He turned to see John Quill walk in the room and have a seat.
"We have a pack now. And they're awfully angry at you. They like Bella, you see. You will listen and listen well. I know all about the murders and the embezzlement. And this is your punishment for them. Our line ends here with you and me. And I'm also the new shaman for the tribe. If you don't behave, the Cullens have some interesting reading material from your business they'll be turning over to the authorities if they don't kill you first. That means you will also keep you paws off of Jake. Following those conditions is the only thing that will keep you having a pulse. And don't ever raise your voice to me. Being a new wolf and all, I phase at the drop of a hat. Without Jasper around, I'd kill you without a second thought." She walked out of the room leaving her brother gaping.
Wiping away his tears, embarrassed at being caught weeping Billy snapped, "What do you want, old man?"
John Quill sat down in the chair by the bed and glared at Billy. "I'd like you to explain to me why you murdered my daughter. I'm trying to decide whether or not I'm going to let you live. The tribe and your sister have actually left your life in my hands since it was my blood that was shed at your hands. I have absolutely nothing that can stand in the way of me taking your life."
"Aside from age?"
"Oh, I see Paula neglected to mention something to you."
"Spit it out and get the hell out of here. I've had enough."
"You've had enough when I decide, Billy, not you. I'm the newest member of the wolf pack. And seeing as how I'm likely to phase when easily angered, you might want to re-consider that tone of voice. I'll take my time in deciding what to do with you." He quietly left the room.
Tanya and her sisters came in when he was done and patted him on his flank and said, "No one should lose a child like that. We'll handle the body. Run along home." God, the stench was horrible, she thought, wondering how the Cullens kept from vomiting.
Paula turned to Father and repeated our agreement so the elders could witness it. "I promise that I will keep Jacob from turning into a wolf. I agree with you that after all of Billy's brainwashing that he'd make a horrible addition to any pack. He'd try to take it over, and God love him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He never thinks long term, so I'm doing this to save his life. I'll happily comply with your condition. I accept any judgment that John Quill metes out as appropriate."
Paula looked at my family with warmth and said with a sad smile, "Give Bella a hug for me."
She walked away into the dark. She had work to do. Training the pack. Their lives could depend on it. John emerged from the hospital. They both phased and ran back to the house, followed by an escort. I figured if John could sit in the room with the murderer of his child, he could control himself. He could leave the cottage when he felt ready.
Carmen and Eleazar had joined in on the fun. As we sped back to the house I said to Jugurtha, "Mark Billy Black off the list of immediate problems that must be solved."
I donned a different set of pajamas when I returned to our room. My girlfriend had my top clutched like a life preserver in her hand. That didn't stop her from snuggling up against me and I certainly had no complaints. My heart started and I knew no more.
Sleep claimed me within minutes.
I found myself walking down a dark street in Chicago dressed in a formal wool coat. My friend Horatio St. James positively beamed happiness and he bounded out of a doorway to a small townhouse, scattering snow in his wake. "She said 'yes,' Edward. She took my ring! I can't wait to marry that girl!" He all but danced in the street as he shook me by the shoulders. His joy was contagious as he walked at my side as I pointed him with a hand in the direction of home. I had accompanied him to wait outside as he had proposed to his sweetheart.
"Congratulations."
He grabbed my hand and shook it clapping me on the back at the same time. "If it weren't for the teas you invited me to, I never would have met her. Will you do me the honor of being my best man? We've set the date for next week."
Horatio had stopped to contemplate his future. One would think we walked in summertime rather than in the falling snow and bitter wind. Horatio acted like he did not have a care in the world and all the time to contemplate his life.
"I'd be honored. What do I need to do?" I could hear the nervousness in my voice.
"You'll hold the wedding bands for us at the ceremony, and you don't have to say a word. I'll need you to sign that you are a witness on the marriage certificate. And you'll be there, of course, along with my parents and brothers. It's going to be small, and held in her parents' library. I'm shipping out two days later."
I thought longingly of joining him. My Mother had been obstinate in not wanting me to sign up for the Great War. I was hoping by attending her teas that I could change her mind. I thought if I met and married someone, then she'd see I was my own man and could make this decision. Except, no one seemed worth talking to. And I refused to fake a romance. I was raised better. I couldn't do that to a young lady from a gentle background's heart. So I stayed single.
"Don't worry, Edward." Horatio went from beaming to solemn in record time.
"I'm sorry?"
"You'll meet her. Your Mother said so. And she's never been wrong before. She told me I'd meet my fiancée that very night, and I did." The dream ended with me staring at my home in Chicago from the outside as snowflakes poured down. I turned to see Horatio jauntily walk to his house a short way down the road. He whistled happily as he crashed against his older brothers, Archibald and Philemon, who had just returned from their own night on the town. Horatio embraced them in each arm while giving the good news, handfuls of snow down the back of their necks for good measure grabbed from the nearly railing. I wished I had brothers like he did. The last thing I heard were their whoops of congratulations and promises of retribution.
The next morning started out blissfully enough in her arms like any other morning. Except for the heart stopping part. Which hurt. A lot. My singer slept soundly having been exhausted by me the day before, so I dressed before her. Well not in front of her, but I decided she should sleep for fifteen minutes longer. And my sisters, the she-devils, decided they would be the ones to awaken her, while I shaved.
Peter and Charlotte were at Mary Alice's and Jasper's cottage having recently vomited over the wolves in horror. The pack was happy to have another set of "real" blood sucking red-eyed people to try to fake kill. With their extensive scars, Peter and Charlotte were forced to live apart from other immortals, seeing as how the Volturi were still awfully eager to question to real death any one that had participated in the Southern Wars. We'd tried to get them to join our family for years, but Charlotte could not abstain from the taste of human blood. They compromised by raiding hospitals rather than killing humans. Peter had been trying to go vegetarian on and off for thirty years.
As she walked to the breakfast area, my startled singer saw an envelope with her name on it resting by her plate. It said, "Get Well," on it in Charlie's distinctive scrawl. She flushed and stared at the table.
"What's this?"
"Your father dropped it by for you on his way to work, dear," Mother said.
For a moment I thought she was going to leave it and the room. Mother sat down in a chair by her and said, touching her forearm gently, "I think it's safe to open Bella. We can give you privacy if you like?"
"Please stay."
"When was the last time he sent you a card?" Mother prompted.
"Third grade."
"For your birthday?" Mother's voice brightened. She knew human girls liked birthday parties.
"No. I'd broken my arm and was in the hospital." She opened it and the gift card fell out. Charlie had written, "Bells. Buy something warm to wear. Soon. Love, Dad."
"Your father did laundry and decided that he wanted you to have new clothing. He's asked me to help you. This is a gift certificate to the local mall."
"I don't," she stumbled, pausing. I wanted to flee the room. This was not a conversation that a man could participate in safely. Even I knew that. I kept my lips closed and studied my cereal bowl pretending not to see the pleading glance or two from my singer.
"Dear, the money has already been spent to purchase the gift card. He's not going to un-spend it. Would you like to go shopping?" My singer looked as if she'd rather eat nails and blow up Liam's lab. Maybe both. She suddenly had this trapped appearance.
Mother patted her back to help her stop that heavy wheezing business. "Bella, we know you've been sick. You don't have to if you don't feel like it."
She was sitting to my right. I tentatively reached out and took her hand in my own. She was shaking. That couldn't be good.
Jasper said mentally to me, "Edward, give her hand a slight squeeze. It will make you look empathetic and for God's sake to make sure you refrain from mangling her delicate hand in the process. And remember you're supposed to be eating. You look fuller than a tick on a dog."
Mary Alice chirped as she sailed into the room and squeezed my girlfriend's shoulders from behind. "It's not like there's a rush. The mall will still be there next week." "Edward, I vote for making Charlie wait the full ten days," Mary Alice thought to me. "And seriously she hates shopping. It would be cruel to make her go." I knew why.
With spite galore, I seconded the motion. About avoiding the mall, not dragging her to it. My singer needed her rest. Besides, I could always hire that efficient and ever so discreet Marcia from that big store at the mall to shop for her, and suggested that to Mother, at vampire pitch. That got her thinking.
Mother decided, "We'll bring the store to her." Problem solved.
"I think we'll tell him your asthma is back again, dear." That was true. Bella nodded in relief, and turned to dispatching her food with methodical precision. Her fork marched across that plate like Sherman burning his way through Georgia.
I sat by my girlfriend choking down without a complaint something involving insect squishy raisins and what allegedly passed for "corn flakes" but in reality tasted like lumps of lead flakes stumbling drunkenly down my tortured path to my unwelcoming stomach. Emmett had slipped me a fresh package of those mouthwash strips in sympathy. He knew I was going to gleefully launch my breakfast into the nearest vacant bathroom the third second we arrived at school. My family had claimed they'd all eaten and had made up a convincing display of a set of dishes splattered with reeking human food. Emmett had even added a bit of egg yolk to his collar, a sacrifice to his vampire sense of smell. Oh, the humanity we aped.
Ruminating over our farmhouse conversation, I thought about the impact of losing her Grandparents and Great-Uncle like that. My siblings began filing in the room to keep us company while we ate.
"Edward, you did good with her in her Great Uncle's house yesterday." Emmett said at vampire pitch, while teasing my girlfriend about her puny appetite. He offered to engage in competitive eating at lunch. Emmett must really like my girlfriend. Not "like" as in that kind of like. He hated eating.
I said nothing in response but sort of smiled at Rosalie, who took that as encouragement from me and said, "I think that what she needs most in her life right now, aside from a predictable routine is a sense of control." Rosalie said this to me like I should understand the deeper significance of her words. Then her husband stood up from the table, walked by and involved her in a cheerful argument out loud for the entertainment of my dear little one. Fine. Control. I had to let my girlfriend feel the illusion that she was in control. I'd been ordered to. I could follow instructions with the best of them.
I munched the raisins which felt like squirming maggots under my tongue, and tasted worse, until she had finished her third bowl of cereal. Two glasses of milk, four scrambled eggs, and five bacon strips later, my singer appeared sated. I'd had to eat two bowls to keep her company. The things I did for this delightful woman. I mean girl. I mean woman. Definitely woman. Girl sounded improper despite that whole eighty-eight year age difference that still bothered Jasper.
He kept muttering some woman named Anne Nicole Smith under his breath like she was the patron saint of May-December like no other December romances. Then he'd block me. Caterwauling Creep. He munches on mortals for centuries, tortures endless immortals, and I'm a pervert for simply accompanying and seeing to the welfare of one? Someone had a double-standard problem.
What did he expect me to do to find romance? Tanya? Despite the fact that it was most definitely ungentlemanly of me to think, she was like the fast food equivalent of vampire girlfriends – over 25 million served. And I had no desire to reap the dubious benefits of her extensive practice. I'd rather stayed chaste. Which unfortunately around her translated to "chased." The harpy. Thank god she was pleasantly occupied torturing Billy with her sisters.
My singer stared at the gift card that sat in between us like an unwelcome ramrod postured chaperone looking down her beaked nose, dark beady eyes squinting in disdain. I didn't want her to decline my gift. I didn't know what to say.
Mother picked it up and said, "Bella, when you come home from school, why don't we make a list of things you like and we'll have a professional shopper bring them to the house. You won't even have to lift a finger."
"Seriously?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die," she promised beatifically. My Mother was spectacular.
"I don't usually eat this much. I've been really hungry lately." My singer appeared mystified. She had only gained back three pounds since her release from the hospital from pneumonia. She still was underweight for her size.
Mary Alice said, "Your body is trying to catch up from being sick. I say eat away." My dear little full one left us to primp for the day. She had tests to pretend to study for in a few hours.
I applauded my girlfriend eating like a linebacker, albeit one with considerably better manners, and infinite more charm. It would improve her health. And that would improve my life in every way. Every way that mattered. I noticed something seemed to be off with my girlfriend. She kept looking at me every so often and flushing. Considering I was not doing anything to embarrass her, nor could I detect anything out of the normal, this seemed odd. Because she appeared uncomfortable. Her temperature was normal. I'd have to break down and speak to her.
"How did you sleep?" She still appeared tired as we were collecting our school bags from our bedroom, and the question made her jerk as if startled. My siblings were out in front of the house plotting Forks domination. I insisted on offering my Queen my arm as all gentlemen should as we descended the staircase. I had grown used to trying to tune out the sensation I felt at every touch, of trying to ignore that I'd caved and wanted to touch her more.
"Well enough." There seemed to be an awkward pause. She stared at my shoes and stammered, "I found your shirt this morning." she whispered as we walked toward the front door that my siblings had left open for us.
"Yes?"
Staring at my fascinated siblings who pretended to chatter, she pulled me by the arm back inside the house. Standing closer and reaching around me, she shut the door. I leaned my back against it, staring down at her as she shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and wrung her hands. "I'm sorry, Edward," She said to the area rug at my feet.
Mother thought to me, "The poor girl sounds upset, dear. I'll jump in if you need me to. Try to comfort her. You can do this."
Taking my little bottle cap's trembling shoulders in my hands, I stooped down till we were at eye level and asked, "What precisely do you think you need to apologize for, Bella?"
"I must have attacked you last night?"
If humans could die on the spot from embarrassment, she would be the first candidate. I could hear her wheezing as stress hit her system. And gave her an epi shot right then. She barely noticed she was too busy hyperventilating.
And Emmett out front said, "What?" Rosalie clapped her hand over her mate's mouth before he could finish bellowing.
"Bella, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for."
Saints above I wish she had attacked me. Granted, my concept of attack and her concept of attack were most likely entirely different. But still. As long as lips were involved and I avoided that neck chomping blood drinking issue, she could maul me to her glorious heart's desire. She got this almost hopeful expression on her face for a fleeting moment before it disappeared.
"But I woke up with your shirt in my arms," she stuttered out trying to look over my shoulder. I captured her face in my hands.
"So?"
Her face turned a vivid hue of scarlet, "So that means I must have made you take it off like I did when I was sick. Your sisters told me about it. They said I cried and wouldn't let you leave. I'm so sorry. I don't remember a thing."
Jasper ordered, "Fix this now Edward, she's upset." That was painfully obvious, emo-boy.
I pulled her into my arms and she buried her face against my chest. I kissed the top of her head and said, "My Queen, you are completely blameless, please accept my humble apology for causing you distress."
She whispered, "How have you earned my wrath, kind sir?" She kept her face firmly in the sweater breathing in slowly.
"I took off my shirt last night and left it. You never asked me to," I wanted to add, "nor, alas, did you attack me in any way, shape, and form." Instead I said, "I had forgotten to finish a section on my history paper, and decided to work in the hall so I would not disturb you. I left my shirt with you. This morning, I was the first one awake and completely forgot. The fault is entirely mine. Please accept my apologies instead."
"Oh." She kept blushing, how could me telling her she had nothing to be embarrassed make her further distressed?
"Edward?" Jasper asked from outside if he could use his powers, and muttered that I was a moron. I had managed to talk to her without insulting her. I had no earthly idea what his problem was, I huffed. Rosalie did not like the way her lungs currently sounded so I handed her an inhaler. Actually two.
"Yes," I whispered at vampire pitch to my brother as I ran my fingers across her hair.
She slumped as a strong wave of serenity slammed against her. With that difficult mind of hers, only some of it managed to sneak through. Rosalie smartly pushed on the door slamming it into my back and pretending to be surprised, with a sweet, "Oh, goodness, Edward, I'm so sorry."
I stepped forward and lifted my girlfriend by the waist before the force of the door hitting me could impact her balance. The speed of said collision produced a startled yelp. With a smothered sigh I released her into the arms of my family as they piled into the cars.
Several years ago, some collective filled with tree embracing parents decided that the climate of Forks could cause seasonal affect disorder in their children. Why they did not up and move was, I suppose, not something that occurred to their pea-brained minds. Instead some wealthy environmentalist with a substandard psychology degree, and ever worse architects decided to build an indoor retreat for the children – when the door to the building worked perfectly fine as an exit option to me. So they created a community, for lack of a better word, against all zoning ordinances indoor greenhouse. With a clear plastic roof and lights inside to make it appear like sunlight for the plants, it was a heated area with a few benches and overgrown rose bushes. Then the demon lawyers got involved and worried about liability and the roof blowing off and children being crushed by falling shrubs or attacked by evil thorns from roses and it became the locked up retreat that you could sneer at on your way out the door. And my little bottle cap was the only one who seemed to care about the health of said rosebushes, since the tree embracing parental units were too busy hauling their children to and from therapy sessions to care. So she was permitted to go and garden to her heart's content at any time. She picked today. I asked if I could join her for a moment.
"You like gardening?"
"No."
"Then why would you want to join me? I can't play chess and garden at the same time."
"Ah, I bet you could. I have something I need to discuss with you."
"Is it important?" She toyed with her gardener's gloves."
"Extremely."
I wondered why that would make her blush and behave as if nervous. I had better get this over with as soon as possible. Then I would not be required to speak.
She used her key to let us in the pseudo-solarium and I took a seat on a wooden bench. She tentatively sat beside me.
"Bella, when you promised your Grandmother that you'd wear your necklace, what exactly did you say?"
"I told her that once I put it on I'd never take it off."
"Excellent."
"Why?"
"I would be inclined to think if your Grandmother wanted you to have the necklace on at all times, that you definitely should keep that promise."
"I will. Is that it?" Her voice sounded small for a moment.
Desperation made my voice crack. "Promise not to get upset?" I hated this part of the talking business. I felt completely blind, conversationally speaking. I had no way aside from reading her face to interpret how my words impacted her. That was so unfair, yet so typical of Lady Fate. Mary Alice sat out of sight but within listening range and told me to go ahead. Mentally crossing my fingers, I launched the next phase of our plan.
Putting her gloves aside, she stared at the roses fiddling with the leaves on one bush, "I promise."
"Because we were testing your heart at the time, I did not tell you the complete story about your Grandparents and Great-Uncle. There are some things you should know."
"What else did you do, aside from looking at their records?" Smart one, she was.
"Not much. We exhumed their graves."
"That's illegal without filling out lots of paperwork. I checked." The very idea of my singer wielding a shovel alone in the grave yard late at night made my chest burn for some odd reason.
Why worry about tedious things like bureaucracy when we needed to answer the next of kin's concern. "We figured we had your permission. We worked at night and hid our tracks well."
"How well?"
"We re-sodded the graves and planted rose-bushes." Residents of Forks are disgustingly long-lived and given its death rates, there won't be another funeral for six months more. "And no one lurks in graveyards around here." No one except me.
"What did you find?"
"Stingers from foreign bees."
"They were buried with stingers in their bodies?" She all but wailed.
"Yes." I panicked. So I completely lied. "I removed all that I could find." I left off the "from your Grandmother only," part. And I definitely left off, "And we broke your Grandfather's fingers. Sorry."
"You did?"
"Yes, Father let us all help. We've been around dead people before. It wasn't bothersome." Had we ever been around dead people. She was talking to one. But I digress.
"Can you trace who bought the bees?"
"Jacob Black."
"Are you saying Jacob was in on this?" Oh the fun I could have with lying. But alas, there was no proof to back me up; regardless muddying the waters was fair in love and war. And this was most definitely war between that rubber-lipped rapscallion and me. Although I felt a tiny twinge of feeling for him somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I had a father who had valued me when human. His valued what he could do for him, nothing more.
"I don't know. He was rather young at the time. But the order form says they were bought as a gift for Mrs. Swan. I can't see a child that young plotting murder." Sometimes this honesty business proved inconvenient and yet rewarding. I did not enjoy conveying bad news, but the payoff in keeping Jacob far from her side made it totally fair.
"We found evidence hidden at their gravesite the proved Billy Black was embezzling money. Your Grandfather had buried a box underneath the level of his grave that we found."
"How much money?"
"Millions. Enough to send him to jail for quite some time."
"Edward?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for believing me." I didn't dig up corpses for just anyone, you know.
"Father, Mother, Harry Clearwater and Paula Black told him last night that if he ever took a step near you or your father, we'd turn the evidence over to the police. And we made lots of copies." I could not think of anything else to say so I patted her hand and left for class. Neither, it seems, could she.
Forty minutes later, I looked up from the sink, having just finished scrubbing the expelled detritus from my teeth of this morning's repast. Gulping in shock, I accidentally chomped the toothbrush to pieces and Grace and I noticed the disturbance at the same time.
Immortals were in the area. I could read their minds. They had just entered the edge of my territory, which by the feel of it now spanned seventy square miles. And they were driving fast - immortal fast - in a souped-up 1970's Volkswagon van fast. It even had flowers from the 60's painted all over it with the words, "The Love Wagon Never Ends" painted on the side. They were driving straight to Forks High fast. And I couldn't see inside the tinted windows. And frankly, I didn't care what they looked like at present. Their thoughts were far more disconcerting. And it didn't matter anyway as clearly they were agents of the red-eyed people.
Emmett and Jasper were bickering in English. Rosalie pretended to fret in Calculus. Mary Alice sat by my singer in Spanish. All save my dear little one literally jumped when I blasted the area with waves of power, magnificent examples, might I add? I put up a ring around my shielded singer. The paranormal flames made a loud "whump" as they sparked to life, although the mortal children did not hear or see. Violet Gorgon sure knew how to surprise me. I'd never had predicted she send her minions in such as ostensible fashion.
"Edward, what in the devil is going on?" Jasper managed to sound bored. Was envy of vocal tones in response to crises a diagnosable condition? If so, I needed therapy STAT.
Mary Alice had a vision on that note. One that conveniently showed our arriving immortal guests. And they had dark purple eyes and fish belly white skin, which proved my point. When she snapped out of it, Mary Alice whispered in Saami, "Eight immortals. They'll be here in half an hour. And they're hungry."
"I'm guessing that they do not belong to our church." Rosalie said calmly. Not that we had a "church" but by that she meant they were not vegetarians. The only god Rosalie worshiped was a) the mirror and b) the memory of her human self and the adoration she'd had heaped upon her for her potential to make a big marriage by her parents and, c) her garage.
"You're guessing correctly." Mary Alice answered.
"Anything else? Like do you know if they are the red-eyed people from the Gorgon?" Rosalie continued.
Emmett huffed, "Oh c'mon who else would they be? That mean old biddy threatened to kill us all within a week. And eight arriving all at once? Days after being threatened? Do the math. This sucks. I say we go dig up Genevieve, Liam, and Jericho and have the coffins waiting in the parking lot."
"But Violet Gorgon has not given us further instructions," I tried to calm Emmett. Not that I disagreed with him, but leaving school to dig up corpses that fast might be tricky.
"That's cause you body checked them, Edward. They can't talk to us if they wanted to. And no one ever said she had to, you know. Carlisle said that group hammered body parts to doors with messages."
Well, he did have a point. I'd most definitely have to talk to Hezekiah about that issue. The shaman geezer friends of Hezekiah had been doing their volunteer job for me so I had not felt much pounding beyond an occasional jolt.
"Edward, can your pet read hostility from them?" Jasper barked.
"No. And she prefers to be addressed as Miss Grace." Either they were excellent as masking their thoughts, or we just coincidentally have human dependent vampires showing up in Forks.
"I don't believe in coincidences." Jasper said, mirroring my mind. I hadn't bothered to mask my paranoia.
"Me neither." Emmett smacked one fist into a palm.
Father said from the open cell phone line I'd dialed that the teacher never saw, "Jasper, take your siblings to investigate but remain at school. Edward, wake up the pack and Paula. We may need the reinforcements." Jasper had been tormenting, I mean training the pack in his every spare minute at night, and I'd been keeping them sedated while we were at school, an arrangement that worked for all concerned.
"You're not going to unleash the pack on them yet are you?" Mother asked.
"Not unless it's warranted. But we can't leave Bella defenseless in case this group is a decoy," Father pointed out. Decoy? We could have more arriving? I blared a question to Grace. We reached out our power and felt not a single other supernatural soul, aside from those two that lurked under the farmhouse, that is. I decided in the spirit of fairness that Grace should warn them. It was only polite. Any other immortal that showed up on that land could be spiritual shark food as far as I was concerned. They'd trespassed. That was illegal. The Forks magistrates and I simply had different ideas about the enforcement of misdemeanors. I guaranteed I'd have no repeat offenders with my behavioral management plan. Even Starched Shirt Edward agreed peering up from his re-reading the history of torture used during the Inquisition to root out demons and heretics. Innocent people, too.
"We can't have werewolves showing up to Fork high," Mother said that like we were committing a social sin. Which, actually, we kind of were. There was no "tell no one" law about werewolves in the supernatural world.
"How far away does Miss Grace say they are?" Rosalie asked.
"Ten miles to the south."
One of the neat ideas Rosalie had was to create a vampire pitch ring tone for our cell phones if we needed them to ring without humans being aware. This came in especially handy with Paula considering she was over at Charlie's house keeping his marginal self preoccupied by heroic means as they both had the day off. Rosalie did this without knowing that Paula and I would form a telepathic connection, and I didn't reveal the extent of our range.
"Can you contact Paula?" Father asked.
I didn't want to lie. "We have a shaman mental link, according to Hezekiah. I can send her messages. I have not tested the range." Technically, all that was true.
Father said, "Do it now. I'm sending for the Denalis to come to the house from the reservation. If you have to leave school do so and come straight home. Use Bella's asthma as an excuse. Or her heart."
Mother said, "Rosalie, please call Paula as a secondary measure."
She went to make sure the pack was up. And fed. And worried about their exposure to Tanya and her sisters like all good mothers should. Take it from me; no one was losing their virginity on her watch.
I reached out with my wolf powers and found Charlie blessedly asleep, happily snoring, a worn out smile on his face. Paula came awake instantly, as I said, "We have trouble. Please come to the house. Eight human blood drinking vampires in the area coming to the high school. I'm waking up the pack." She didn't waste time with useless chatter, answered the phone with a whispered, "Be right there," moved out to the back yard after hiding her clothing in a shrub, phased and sprinted. And gracious mercy me, in wolf form, she actually rivaled Jasper in terms of speed. I almost pitied any vampire she chased. Almost.
Jasper sensed my discomfort. "Edward, we have to test whether the ring will hold around the pack and the one you've left around the house. And it could be that Paula might be able to hold it. You won't know until you try."
That was, of course, a good point. I didn't like having to experiment with her life on the line. I'd done it far too often for my comfort of late.
I listened with my thoughts, our new residents planned on hunting human prey. They were hungry. They wanted mortal take out and hoped Forks had variety. Italian? Greek? Chinese? Indian? Norwegian? All in their minds were options. One got all gooey-eyed at the Chilean she had drained the previous week, thinking they had the sweetest blood of them all. Another quibbled that the accountant from Slovenia had been superior to them all. They wondered where would be the best place to discreetly murder a human or six in a small little town like Forks and decided school was a better starting point.
"They're hungry. Jasper hungry type hungry," I said as my family's eyes widened.
The bell rang for lunch. I sped winnowing through the crowds of students impatiently till I reached my human's side. She was talking with her English teacher. I wanted to leave. We all needed to be together in case of an attack.
Mary Alice said, "Edward, you're going to have to get them to stop talking." Blurting out the torrid reading habits of the English teacher wasn't likely to do the job, although her taste was cringe worthy. Instead, I simply took my singer's hand in mine. She started for a second, and turned to me like a plant to the sun. Then, the most amazing thing happened. It was like she read my mind. She smiled. A full glorious smile. It reminded me of the possible vision of my future. It wasn't that good of a smile. But for now it would do.
Jugurtha commented, "Now would be the appropriate time to say nothing, nod at the teacher and take her to lunch." So I did just that. I could follow directions. I even let her lead the way. Control, Rosalie said, and control I would give.
Using Hezekiah's latest lesson, I made sure that my wolf powers did not offer a light show. Now that my family was together, I pulled the ring in to surround only our immediate area. The red-eyed-immortals smelled us as they walked into the school and after filling out their paperwork in the office headed straight for the cafeteria where I sat with my family, my girlfriend at my side. The human blood drinking group's thoughts indicated excitement and confusion, and from the thoughts of the bumbling mortal children they passed, they appeared to enjoy sparking complete mayhem.
Girls' began inhaling in outrage and boys began having erectile problems and stumbling, drooling, too. But it was that other kind of excitement that caught me off guard. I wondered by their strange thoughts if I had stumbled upon vampire prostitutes. Or Tanya's cousins. Or both. Scratch that. Tanya never charged.
When we initially interacted with mortals our predatory charms caused us to attract them. We did our best with icy manners to keep them at bay. No one but I had ever given a human a second thought, and my doing so had been considered scandalous.
But no, these vampires appeared to have those predilections towards humans and took it one step further. These vampires were aroused and not in the way I wanted, if you understand my meaning. Since they couldn't detect anything beyond our scents, nor read anything into them, that suggested these minds were not particularly picky in terms of their sexual partners, regardless of our breeding, manners, appearance, and charm. Again, I wondered if Tanya had cousins. I'd never asked. The minds I reached out to were seven females, and one male. All older than Carlisle.
Ready for battle, we watched with feigned boredom as they entered the cafeteria line and all the mortals, both men and women, stopped and stared. Three boys dropped their trays on the floor. One spilled his drink down his pants, another down his friend's pants, the other down his irate Gym teacher's pants. Then they all stopped and stared again. Not the Gym teacher, who glared at the boys. I thanked God I'd brought the vampire dagger with me.
The tall women were brazenly attired, clothing that skirted the rules of propriety but that was not ostensibly tawdry enough to get them sent home by the cautious Mrs. Cope. Even more confusing, there were seven of the females and they all looked exactly alike. Apparently the vampire world had a set of septuplets. Identical long red-headed beauties who pretended to have violet eyes. And one dark haired male who sauntered at their side coolly examining the human girls, who shivered in his wake. From his mind he appeared to be a breast man. For seeking blood that is. Ew.
Jugurtha said, "So instead of the red-eyed people we have the red-headed ones? That can't be right."
Starched Shirt Edward said, "Take our dear little one and run! They want her virtue. And ours. And we just might give it to them."
Jugurtha and I both turned and looked at him lips twitching.
"What? We've been overwhelmed with Satan's minions as of late. You never know what can happen to the flesh when the spirit is made weak. We must be strong! For her!"
Right, keep telling yourself that, my little annoying pipsqueak. "I think you need to go bathe in more Holy Water from Lourdes."
"I can't," he confessed, studying his shoes, wringing his hands. Jugurtha reached into his jeans pocket and retrieved a jet black rosary. "Here, I had one extra for you." Starched Shirt Edward gave a sentimental smile.
"Why ever not?"
"That was our only supply. We've been saving it for a demonic day. Violet Gorgon most definitely qualified when she scarred our flesh, and that of our dear little one." He held up his palms that were also scarred much to his horror. Jugurtha had taken his marks in stride. Poor Starched Shirt Edward had been so afraid it had sent him to bathing in the library in Holy Water hoping they'd vanish.
As we surveyed the opposing side of the room of immortals, we all tensed because we could not have a pitched battle in front of the high school, especially after Los Angeles. And worse, we had a reason to want the children around us to survive. The vampires sashaying into the room had no such motivation, or fear of the Volturi.
Jasper said in Xeta, that dialect from Brazil, "Wait and watch. Act bored." I wondered if this group had anything to do with the spirits that we had met at the farmhouse. From their minds they'd only set foot in farmhouses to eat the occupants, or engage in exercise of an entirely inappropriate nature in barns. Group exercise. And they didn't seem to know the area.
The thoughts of this pack of scarlet lettered women were in theory every bit as bad as Tanya on a tear. Alarmingly, they had the power to loosen those pesky moral convictions that mortals relied upon. And they all decided that we would be perfect for sport in bed. All of us. At the same time. The man, too. And they were every bit as excited about doing these activities to my sisters as they were to my brothers. What they had planned for me was every bit as ….let's not go there. It was just wrong. And I was not interested. Or that flexible. Morally speaking, of course. And my singer was hotter. Way hotter. Hotter like not even in the same solar system hotter.
Starched Shirt Edward tugged at my shirt sleeve. "I'm busy at present defending us from hoards of brazen immortals."
"They want to put their lips on our manly parts. Tongues, too."
"I attempted to ignore that observation. You should, too."
"Why?" I almost did a double-take. Starched Shirt Edward giving into sin? Who knew?
"Why what?" Jugurtha responded.
"Why would they want to put their mouth there? And a leather ring? I don't understand. This is so confusing. And they don't even look like our dear little one so we are not interested."
Jugurtha said, "I've got this." Turning to him he said, "I have a research project for you. Let me introduce you to Victoria's Secret and the dictionary of sexual behavior." He led Starched Shirt Edward by the hand to his lair.
I heard Starched Shirt Edward roar in outrage from the cave, "We have no need of assistance for our manly parts. And we have no need of that kind of ring. Shameless females. And we do not have erectile dysfunction. What is that?" He stopped bellowing long enough to ask Jugurtha. Who sighed. And explained some more.
The only thing of interest I heard from the cave was the strangled cry of, "The only woman who will be putting her tongue near our manly parts is our dear little one." Jugurtha slapped him for me and ordered him to pray to the Blessed Mother for forgiveness. He scampered away in a tizzy.
I'm afraid just to repulse my family, I had to share the supernatural sunshine of the new immortal's thoughts. I suppressed the Quileute power lights and beamed the lurid thoughts of the seven women and one male in front of us to my blank-faced family. Casually, I scooted my chair so that my singer was at my immediate left. My siblings were at a table four feet away. I pretended to ask her a question about class, leaning over and putting my arm across her shoulders. She was mine. And this group needed to know it. So I moved a lock of hair away and gave her my most persuasive smile. Part of me wanted to jump up and down and shout when she answered my grin with a timid one of her own. Perhaps I lost my train of thought right then, she had an eyelash that had fallen into her eye and immediately began blinking trying to remove it.
"Allow me," I said as I put my fingers on the side of her cheeks. I didn't think it would feel all that pleasant if I sterilized my finger using one of the alcohol swabs that I had stuffed in a pocket in case we had to give her an epi-injection and then rub her eye with said sterilized finger. And I cursed myself for my eagerness as I was worried, my family as well, as were our visitors that I'd poke out her eye. It took nine seconds but I managed to win the skirmish with the straying eyelash. Mary Alice occasionally wore colored contacts and always carried eye drops with her to complete the appearance of being human. She fumbled inside her backpack and pitched them across the space for me to give to my girlfriend. With a whisper of thanks, she took her time about putting in the drops. I used her preoccupation to turn back to our visitors. The floozy family.
And Jasper did not enjoy have other immortals attempt to toy with his emotions, Mr. Pot calling the Cauldron bottom black, so he sent a wave of what I jokingly thought of as de-lust at the flock. They seemed to deflate, confused.
"Well hello to you, too, darling. I'm Mary Sue newborn, and this is my brother Laurent. These are my sisters: Addie Mae, Mattie Jo, Ella Joy, Betty Ann, Carol Lynn, and Dallas Faith."
"What an unusual choice of surnames. It's so literary." Mary Alice commented.
"We liked it. We insist that the letter "n" be lowercase to make it more distinctive." Mary Sue declared. Distinctive to whom? School administrators world wide? The key was to blend in, not stand out. They would not last two days without killing someone. Then again, that kind of sort of was the plan.
Jessica Stanley craned her neck so hard to get a look at the show as she walked she didn't see the school's quarterback who she also stalked, Alan Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson was frozen by lust in his tracks and was not prepared for a Stanley interception as she crashed her food against his back. Spaghetti stains are hard to remove from white fabric according to the horrified thoughts emerging from Jessica. So is blood, little Sheepheaded Simpleton. So is blood. And the newborns wanted yours. And drat it all, I couldn't let them have it, due to her mother and that tombstone business. Fate hated me today, I thought as I all but cuddled my nervous singer to my side.
Mary Sue spoke in a marginal southern drawl that made Jasper's lip curl as he didn't like bad impostors combining Hungarian and Alabaman accents. Her sisters simpered in tandem. And of them, Mary Sue appeared to be the one who had the collective brain. They were older than Father by a century. And really thirsty.
Rosalie hissed in Xeta, "That last name sounds like a stripper name. Beginners. Newborns indeed. I'm so going to kill them as soon as school is out," She gave them her third best fake smile. They never noticed it was not genuine. How they'd lived this long was amazing. They clearly had the survival instinct of a dodo bird. Violet Gorgon could not have sent these unless she meant them as a distraction. I sent that thought to the family. Jasper agreed texting Father to be on guard. The pack patrolled the borders of our land, eager to fight.
At the word stripper Emmet remembered where he'd seen them vampires before. From his thoughts, his wife was most definitely right. Apparently one of them had participated in the production of a motion picture that denigrated and oppressed women the world over by engaging in intercourse on camera. With Laurent. And multiple co-stars. Emmett had the movie saved to his email account and would watch it from time to time based on his guilty thoughts as an immortal film so bad it seemed human. It was, I snorted, in his collection of bad examples of pornography file. Of course he was never looking at Laurent. Just the female. For research purposes I'm sure.
Betty Ann's eyes landed on my girlfriend who did not notice the supernatural hissing and spitting going on at full blast around her as the newborns sat at a nearby table and stared at her. She wondered mentally in Hungarian if my singer was my new pet and if she could get in on the oh my …..that woman …NO. And that's final. She noticed the odd lights beaming from my singer's clothes and decided we'd done something with her while fornicating that she'd never heard of but definitely wanted to learn since that color of violet went well with her eyes.
These women need to collectively get a clue. They were Jessica Stanley stupid.
I cared not which gender these hoydens slept with on a regular or irregular basis, or whether or not they elected to film it for filthy lucre. They weren't getting their clutches on my manly parts. Or hers. Not that my girlfriend had manly parts. I'd personally inspected just the other day. Twice. For moral purposes, and professionally, of course. And they weren't taking one lick near me. Or my manly parts. And I did not require those kind of rings, thank you very much. They would interfere with that whole earth shattering part of my repertoire.
Things appeared about ready to ignite when they first encountered my wolf ring. Not that kind of ring you degenerate. Power wolf ring. They couldn't go forward but definitely felt that power blocked them from moving in that direction. Lots of power. And mentally, in their confused minds, Mary Sue with the hive brain decided that perhaps caution was warranted as she couldn't figure out which one of us was doing that thing but she liked it because it vibrated against her…..dear sweet Jesus. So she made sure to stick her chest out even further and then tried to move her…..mere words cannot even begin to convey the shameless behavior of this Jezebel. Or the stares she attracted doing it. Seven boys hyperventilated.
Starched Shirt Edward tapped me on the shoulder clearing his throat. Repeatedly. With a sharp finger.
"What? I'm rather occupied at present saving the virtue of everyone."
"Ordinarily, I believe that women should be treated with gentle hands. In this case we have to be firm with these…..hussies. I suggest you alter the power so that it is uncomfortably warm. Our kind doesn't like extreme heat." Good point. It triggered the predatorial fear of fire. He must have taken a break from apologizing to the Virgin Mary by thinking of his Spanish Inquisition research.
So I shut my eyes for a brief moment and experimented. Nothing happened. So I tried again. This time it seemed by exerting just enough effort to give me a migraine that I could alter the nature of the barrier. My head fell to rest on my singer's shoulder for a moment. I needed the contact to control the pain. And she didn't seem to mind. I had to be careful to make sure it didn't hurt my siblings but didn't want to tip the flock of scarlet vampires, which actually proved worthwhile as Mary Sue leapt back in a huff.
They all thought Rosalie was the source of it, since apparently I didn't look old enough to do more than drool, and a well timed disdainful sneer on the part of my sibling. One of the stupider ones, Dallas Faith, thought Rosalie did it as a sexual invitation. Morons. newborns indeed. And as a matter of fact it was her stage name from pornographic films she'd made. In the name of supporting my sister and not outing Emmett, I shared that little nugget of information in the Xeta dialect. I somehow doubted their dainty little toes had ever set foot in the wilds of Brazil. There were only trees out there. Lots of them. And animals. No fornicating with people unless you wanted indigenous ones. Never mind. They'd probably done a world tour of every country. But they didn't understand Xeta. Thank goodness.
Mary Sue gave an not even close to Tanya-esque grin of wantonness and said at vampire pitch, "Which one of you naughty ones needs a spanking? Or two? Hmmm? That feels so good. We only want to play. We promise not to bite. Much."
She said that last part lustily to Mary Alice. And Emmett. Well, his manly part anyway. And Jasper. And Rosalie. And me. And my girlfriend was ignored because she couldn't hear at that level and we were all pretending to chatter anyway about the weather. Fine. I was sitting there saying nothing like a lump of clay trying my best to shield the family. I couldn't talk even at the best of times. And now I couldn't talk and save their lives at the same time. I had priorities. So, too, did my family. Their mates sat up straighter. I cannot verify what the manly parts of aforementioned mates did because I may have been immortally observant but even I had limits. Ten human boys fled the room holding their hands over their …..never mind. From reading the hissy fits breaking out in Rosalie's and Mary Alice's minds, the newborns' lewd behavior did not bode well. That's why I failed to catch the next offensive comment.
"And who is that pet?" Mattie Jo crooned at vampire pitch, licking her lips at human speed.
"She's not a pet."
Raising my head, I said that simply at vampire pitch squeezing her shoulder. My girlfriend, that is. Squeezing the shoulder of one of the newborns, I hypothesized, would most likely result in being turned into the vampire equivalent of a chew-in-all-the-deviant-ways-their-limited-imagination-could-come-up-with toy. And that was wrong, I sniffed. Because the only one who'd ever be chewing -er caressing her with my lips only most certainly would be me. Not the newborns. Hussies Galore. I avoided wincing as the third one from the right winked at a female teacher and caused the woman to faint, due to a heart condition. Literally.
As the computer science teacher landed slumped against a table overturning several trays of fake Italian cuisine on top of shocked teenagers, the one to the left of Mary Sue exposed her breasts that I avoided seeing at a gangly basketball player who unfortunately did not.
Mr. Exposed to Lewd and Disproportionate Jiggly Parts tripped and went feet flying into the air. Size 18 quad E battleship-sized shoes in the process went up the back of the skirt of the frumpy girl who was walking in front of him with her lunch tray minding her own business as frumpy girls should. The force of his feet sliding up the back of her long skirt and into her undergarments caused her to fall backwards. Like the proverbial human skidding on a banana peel, he flopped through the air. And his head hit the ground with a loud thwack and blood began to flow on the cracked linoleum floor. I heard her shriek words to the effect of "Ouch. My gracious mercy that is so cold" and think, "I picked the wrong day not to wear tights." She also offered numerous prayers to God to kill her on the spot. I could have told her that there really were fates worse than death.
Frumpy and Scarlet-Faced Girl was now squealing with shame, her back arched over his tombstone-sized feet, helplessly tangled, and batting away hands that tried unsuccessfully to assist her to stand. Mr. Exposed to Lewd and Disproportionate Jiggly Parts was out cold. All 6' 7" and 275 pounds of him. Humans had the most curious practices. Emmett mentally started evaluating said trampire-want-to-be-in–training as chaos bounded through the room. Jasper's eyes started glazing over as the waves of blood began to tempt him. He, in turn started sending out all those waves of desire, and wanting, and hunger. Lots of hunger. I realized we were most definitely under attack. From the newborns.
Did I neglect to mention they were hungry in more ways than one? Having them radiating lust and blood lust and Jasper absorbing aforementioned lust, blood lust, adding in his own blood lust, and then beaming all those complicated emotions out to the cafeteria caused an instant commotion as people started reaching for each other's food and stuffing their faces. Or kissing the person next to them passionately while reaching for food. Regardless of whom they were. Alas, their powers did not work on my girlfriend who blinked in confusion around her. And at me.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I said at vampire pitch to Emmett in Xeta, "Summon Tanya and her sisters." I had now sunk to new levels. We needed Tanya to come and out-hoyden someone. Tanya liked a challenge. I was living proof. From the sounds of the humans around me, I could see this was going to be a memorable day. Pretending to stretch, I inhaled with joy, as I turned on my powers, and hurled them colorlessly across the room. If they wanted chaos, I would be delighted to feed their appetite. And I didn't mean to brag, but everything about me supernaturally speaking was bigger.
Please review before the newborns descend. Wait. Scratch that. They're up next. But please review anyway. It amuses me. And I write faster when inspired.
AN: I did warn you that you would need seat belts for this section. I'm not done yet. I haven't even gotten warmed up.
Snarky Summary: Edward suffers a bout of jealousy embroiled in a love triangle between Bella, himself, and his shirt, which she clutches in her sleep like a blankie when he sneaks out of bed and the house, for Bella's life needs fixing purposes, of course. The Denalis come to Forks to help plan the world domination campaign of the Cullens. Lady Karma visited the impetuous and sadly unlamented William M. Black, esquire, with butterfly kisses. Paula played show and tell. Paula won. John Quill played judge and jury and made Judge Judy seem boring. Judge Wopner, too with his ruling. Edward has a dream about Horatio, his best friend from his human life. Bella wakes up with Edward's shirt in her death grip and jumps to the wrong stripper-gate conclusions. She thinks she well….mere words can't say it. *blushes* Rosalie orders Edward to aid his girlfriend in feeling like she has a sense of control in her life. Speaking of control, or the lack of it, Edward senses a unique bunch of red-eyed-people speeding for the school. Now you all remember I promised at the beginning of this story that I would not be feeding the books back to you, right? Raise your hands anyone who saw me doing that with the newborns? And the devil most definitely made me name a character Mary Sue. I wasn't going to write my newborns as just any other Mary Sue immortal. Although I kinda sorta did. And didn't. The newborns attack Forks high school and Edward summons Tanya and her sisters to the rescue. Stay tuned for the next episode of "As the Human Turns."
Starched Shirt Edward would like you to know that the patron saint of prostitutes is Saint Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus.
Saint Nicholas is claimed by more groups than any other saint and is a very busy man indeed, he is also the patron saint of children due to that whole gift giving tradition he began when he threw money through the window of a man who had three daughters and needed dowries to save them from being forced into the world's oldest profession. He is also the patron saint of Russia, Turkey, Greece, and Grooms. And of Merchants, Pawnbrokers, and Thieves.
Thanks for reading!
Dream Edward says Starched Shirt Edward clearly needs to get laid. Not that he is. But he has a better chance with that Bella. Oh. Wait. They just started fighting. Now Main Edward is mad. Nobody talks about…his…girl…his..wom…his sin….his drat it all HIS. She's HIS.