Disclaimer: I don't own anything Star Trek it is all property of Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, Paramount, and whoever else owns rights to the franchise. I am not making any profits off of this so please don't sue me.
Chapter 35
" You gotta tell him how ya feel Jim. It'll be one heck of disastrous wedding night if you have a full blown panic attack before you even touch each other." Dr. Leonard McCoy said in all seriousness as he gazed across at his best friend and captain. The latter had just revealed a deeply concerning matter to the doctor and now they sat trying to make sense of it all.
" I know Bones, it's just... It's just so damn embarrassing." Jim Kirk said with a sigh as he unhappily kicked a small stone by his foot. He and Bones were currently sitting on a low shelf of rust colored rock that jutted out from the small hill atop which Sarek's house stood.
Earlier the pair had joined everyone out on Sarek's veranda for a pleasant family breakfast, where even Bones had very little to complain about regarding the food. It was after that meal had been concluded that Jim had asked Bones if the good doctor would join him for a small stroll around Sarek's house. It was under this pretense that Jim was able to speak with his best friend and physician in private regarding a matter that had been plaguing him.
" Hey now, you listen to me Jim Kirk." Bones said with mild sharpness, waiting for Jim's sad blue eyes to meet his determined amber ones before he continued.
" You have nothing to be embarrassed about and I won't stand for you feeling ashamed either."
" But I'm afraid Bones. Hell I can go head to head with a deranged Romulan or face down a black hole with no problem, but the very thought of getting intimate with the person who's going to be my husband in a few days makes me break out into a cold sweat? How can I not be embarrassed?"
Jim shook his head and let out a deep sigh, his expression pained and mortified. The sight made Bones feel a dull twinge in his own heart at seeing his friend, once so confident in himself and his abilities now looking so painfully unsure. With a sigh of his own, Bones reached out and firmly grasped Jim's shoulder as he spoke.
" Jim, after everything you have gone through in your life, anyone that blames you for being afraid needs a thorough psych-eval. But Jim you gotta understand that you have a right to be happy, you can't let this fear rob you of that."
Jim looked up at Bones with a watery smile, his eyes a bit over-bright as he spoke.
" I get what you're saying Bones, but it's like... it's like after It'vek raped me, my body's just become terrified of intimacy no matter how safe I feel or how much I want to be with Spock." Jim took a deep, rattling breath before he continued.
" It's like that scale-covered bastard still has a hold over me, even though he's dead and gone Bones."
Bones felt his own throat constrict painfully while his eyes burned with bitter salt at his friends words, but the moment of despair was quickly driven away as he steeled his own nerve and spoke.
" Well then your wedding night should be the moment you break that evil son of a bitch's hold on you once and for all, and show him and yourself that James T. Kirk is the one who came out on top."
Jim's eyes widened as Bones words seemed to strike his heart like a hammer would a nail. With a small breathless laugh to cover how choked up he was, Jim turned away from Bones in a vain attempt to hide the emotions the latter's words had caused to rise up inside him. Bones wasn't fooled for a moment as he let go of Jim's shoulder to smoothly loop his arm around Jim's shoulders and pull his friend to him.
Jim let out another watery chuckle as he let Bones pull him into a tight bear-hug , one which Jim returned with equal fervor.
" Thanks Bones." Jim said softly against the other man's shoulder.
" Don't mention it Jim." Bones replied just as softly.
The pair hugged for a good long while, maybe more than what was considered manly, but it wasn't like they cared all that much about that, the so-called edicts of manliness had flown out the window a while ago and were not really missed.
After several long moments Jim and Leonard pulled apart, both men sporting reddened eyes and light flushes on their cheeks from embarrassment at their display of affection. At least they were safely tucked away near the side of Sarek's house so they could have this private moment.
" Sorry for being so mushy Bones." Jim grinned.
" Well that makes two of us." Bones retorted gruffly with a small sniffle as he wiped at his eyes.
They both chuckled at that before settling into a comfortable silence. A little while later the two friends headed back up to the house and joined there fellows, Spock and Jim immediately gravitating towards each other, and then Khiori quickly joining them, Jim sweeping the little cub into his arms and cuddling him close. The rest of the command crew all bit back their smiles at their commanding officers being so unbelievably adorable.
Sarek watched on with warm eyes as he handed Elder Selik a cup of freshly brewed tea, staying silent as he eyed the warmth, but also the sadness in the elder Vulcan's eyes as he too gazed at the soon to be wed couple, no doubt remembering a bygone time, when it would have been him standing where his younger self now stood. Selik quickly shook himself of such thoughts and instead turned when Chekov took a seat beside him and started talking about the latest scientific theory that had been discovered back on Earth.
A little while later, Jim left Khiori in the company of the rest of the family, Chekov hilariously trying to teach the baby sehlat some Russian commands while Jim quietly ducked away for some time to himself. A quick glance in his intended's direction showed Spock in deep conversation with his father, no doubt about the preparations for the bonding ceremony that would be taken place in the very near future.
As he sat over the edge of his bed in the quiet solitude of his room, Jim thought long and hard about the conversation he had shared with Bones outside when they had gone for a walk. He knew that the doctor had been right, that he needed to tell Spock about his fears regarding them having sex for the first time since his heart wanted Spock so desperately, but his body was just so inherently afraid and Jim absolutely hated this war of feelings that was raging inside him. He just wanted to be with the person he loved, that was all. As he sat there, Jim reached a decision. Tonight, he would go to Spock, tonight he would break down this final barrier between them, he would tell Spock of his fears and hopefully, put an end to them once and for all.
Jim steeled himself, a dozen or more possibilities running through his head and he stood up from his seat on his bed and made his way out of his sleeping area within the room he and Spock were still sharing. Sarek's house, while being modest in size, had still been more than accommodating for the command crew of the USS Enterprise, Bones bunking with Scotty while Sulu and Chekov shared another. Uhura had a room all to herself, but that was a given. Bones only grumbled a little bit at that, but then again that was a given too, the good doctor loved to grumble.
Jim chuckled to himself as he made his way down the hall back towards the common area, when he was met by Spock himself. Jim gave Spock a brilliant smile as he reached up to cup the side of the Vulcan's neck, said Vulan wordlessly leaning into the touch.
" Hey." Spock reached up to run his finger tips along the back of Jim's hand on his neck as he spoke.
" I was on my way to get you Jim, Elder Selik expressed that he had need of us." With some reluctance Jim retracted his hand. The intended bondmates then began to walk down the hallway, so close they were nearly pressed against each other and Jim spoke with a knowing tone.
" I take it this has something to do with the ceremony."
" Indeed Jim, our impending bonding has been the predominant subject of the recent conversations we have had with the elder."
" Well our wedding is in a couple of days after all, and with him being our impromptu wedding planner, he's more obsessed about it than we are?" Jim chuckled at this, while Spock quirked one of his slanted eyebrows.
The pair reached the living room area where Khiori ran up to Jim and demanded to be picked up, to which Jim naturally obliged. With the little sehlat cub nibbling at his jaw, Jim and Spock headed for where Elder Selik was sitting with everyone else surrounding him, all of them listening intently as the elder went over the schedule of the bonding ceremony that would take place in two days. When Spock and Jim joined the circle, Selik proceeded to walk them through what they were supposed to do for a traditional bonding ceremony, but with an glint in his eye, a subtle way of telling Jim and Spock to go ahead and do what they felt was right amidst all the formality. They were an non-traditional pair after all.
From where he sat beside Jim, Spock glanced at his father who was sitting beside Elder Selik and shared a look with the older Vulcan. It was a questioning look from Spock, and a wordless nod from Sarek, as if in confirmation of something.
The rest of the day passed by like this, with everyone abuzz with excitement and showing it to their varying degrees, while also being charmed by Khiori and his playful baby antics.
Day soon turned into night, and after a wonderful dinner together out in the veranda, filled with much animated conversation from Chekov and good natured grumpy grumbling for Bones about how everything was vegetarian, everyone turned in for the night. While most everyone drifted off to sleep, Jim found himself laying in his bed wide awake, the soft sounds of Khiori snoring away in his little sehlat bed by the foot of Jim's bed being the only sounds in his room. Feeling his heart starting to pound inside his chest and also remembering Bones' words of urging and encouragement, Jim pulled the sheets away and rose from the bed. Dressed his a light gray tank top and baggy black sweat pants, the climate controlled air of his room had goosebumps rising along his arms as he carefully made his way out of his sleeping area so as not to wake up Khiori.
Once he was outside, the warmer air did little to calm Jim's thundering heart as he stepped across the room to the doorway that led to Spock's bedroom. The light was still on so Jim assumed his soon to be husband was up meditating. Sure enough, when Jim stepped all the way into the room he found Spock sitting Samurai style on the floor in front of his bed, eyes closed and breathing deeply. Jim had to pause a moment and just stare, because Spock looked absolutely gorgeous in the dim light of room, dressed in simple sleeping robes of a deep forrest green. Jim felt his heart freeze suddenly, the urge to flee rising up within hi fast and hard. As he fought with his own fear to stay in the room, Spock opened his eyes at that moment as he came out of his meditative state, his dark coffee colored orbs widening minutely as he realized his fiance was standing here in his room.
" T'hy'la." Spock said as he smoothly rose to his feet, making quick work of coming to stand before Jim, taking in that his future bondmate looked distressed. " Are you alright?"
Jim let out a shaky breath, seeming to calm down a little and maybe even deflate as he shook his head.
" No Spock, I'm not alright." He said softly, and then he was all but lunging forward, his arms going around Spock like a vice. Spock was stunned for a split second before he was quickly wrapping his arms around Jim, feeling the light tremors that were wracking his body as the human clung to him tightly.
" I'm scared Spock, I'm still scared even after all this time and I am sick of it." Jim said against Spock's shoulder, then he drew back and met Spock's gaze with over-bright blue eyes.
" We're gonna be bonded in few days and I am terrified of what will happen after and I don't want to be." Jim's voice wavered here as he screwed his eyes shut tightly against the bitter sting of the tears that gathered as he pressed his forehead to Spock's collarbone and tightened his already death-grip like hold around his Vulcan. He let out a shaky breath but didn't sob, just gritted his teeth and grounded himself to Spock through touch. Spock felt his heart bleed for Jim as he reached up with one of his hands to cradle the back of his intended's blond head, seeking out certain pressure points in an effort to comfort and calm Jim's distress. Jim shuddered at the contact and relaxed a bit more against Spock as he sniffled and spoke.
" I love you, God I love you so much." He whispered as he opened his eyes and finally let the tears slip free. Spock needed a moment to gather himself, tightening his own hold around Jim, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the raw emotion that was coming off of Jim in waves. Drawing back so that he could look Jim in the eye, Spock spoke.
" T'hy'la, you are concerned as to whether or not we will be able to consummate our marriage after we are bonded." He stated with a knowing tone. Jim reached up and scrubbed at the tear tracks on his face, ducking his head and nodding mutely, his unhappiness clear and a light flush of embarrassment across his cheeks. Spock's eyes softened as he reached up and gripped Jim's shoulder firmly.
" There is no need for you to feel embarrassment, to be frank, I too share this concern." Jim let out a watery huff before he shook his head.
" I hate feeling this way, feeling like I have no control over my body when all I want is to be with you." Spock nodded in understanding as he reached up and wiped his thumb under Jim's eye, swiping away another tear just as it fell. He absolutely hated seeing his T'hy'la so upset and desolate.
" You feel trapped, because of the assault you endured." He stated.
" Y-Yeah." Jim said with a shaky sigh before he looked back up to meet Spock's dark eyed gaze.
" I don't want to be terrified on my wedding night Spock. I've had enough of being afraid, and I just miss being intimate with you." Jim then reached up, hooking his hand behind Spock's neck and lightly pulling so that his and the Vulcan's foreheads met in the middle. Spock in turn gripped Jim's hips firmly in his hands, feeling a telling thrill run up his spine at simply being this close to his love.
Jim screwed his eyes shut as he gathered himself, preparing to speak about that which had been plaguing him for so long. He never told Spock about how he had felt as it had happened, he had never told anyone. Bones only knew because he was his doctor. Now, Jim would tell Spock just what it was that was holding him back from feeling pleasure in his own body. Opening his eyes, now filled with fresh tears, Jim finally released what he had been holding inside for so long.
" H-He was the last person to touch me that way Spock. I can still feel his scales, how they scraped against me as he moved. His hands, how his claws wracked over my back. He-He even bit me a couple of times after he had forced himself inside m-me."
Spock himself had shut his eyes tightly, using all of his Vulcan control to not let his horror and pain from pouring out of him as he heard Jim describe what It'Vek had done, and the lingering effects of said violation. Spock let go of Jim's hips and reached up, taking Jim's face into his hands with infinite gentleness. Spock opened his eyes, a telling sheen over their dark coffee hue as he spoke.
" What can I do Jim? Tell me what I can do to help you, I will do it without hesitation, anything you ask of me my T'hy'la, I swear it."
Jim felt his heart skip a beat, because it was now or never.
Swallowing the lump in his throat and steadying his nerve before it left him, Jim stepped back, dislodging Spock's hands from his face and reaching for the hem of his tank-top. Spock watched on, his eyes growing slightly wide as he watched Jim pulled the garment over his head and dropped it on the floor by his feet.
" Jim?" Spock asked, his eyes glued to his intended's now bare upper body. Even with everything that was happening, Spock could not help but admire Jim's form, the well-defined muscles of his stomach and chest beneath smooth planes of lightly tanned skin. Jim was flawless, save for the light tremor in his hands, and the way he was trying to mask the nervousness. Jim stepped forward, closing the distance between them, his hands now going to Spock's face as he spoke, looking the Vulcan square in the eye.
" Touch me Spock, put you hands on me, your lips. Make me forget that scale-covered bastard's touch." He said softly.
The air between then was charged now, Spock finding it suddenly difficult to breath, Jim even more so as they gazed at each other.
" T'hy'la, do you wish for us to conjugate?" Spock asked, keeping his hands at his side, although he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch Jim's bare skin.
Jim finally smiled before he shook his head.
" No Spock, we'll leave that for after we're bonded. Right now I just want to lay with you without any clothes, to feel your hands on me, to put my hands on you and to just not be afraid anymore. To just feel good this way again." Taking in a deep breath to steady himself, Jim continued.
" So can we Spock?" He asked.
Spock was silent for a long beat, simply gazing into Jim's expectant blue eyes. Then something seemed to shift in the air, like a wall finally melting away as Spock gave a small nod and spoke.
" Yes my T'hy'la, we can." He said softly before he finally reached up and wrapped his arms around Jim, his long-fingered hands splaying across Jim's bare back as he pulled the human towards him, his mouth seeking out Jim's.
Jim let out a small groan as he met Spock's lips, a feeling of pure relief washing over him as he responded to the kiss, pouring all of his pent up desire into it. As they began to stumble towards the bed some minutes later, the sleeping robes Spock was wearing ended up falling to the floor, joining Jim's tank top. This left the pair in just their sleeping pants.
Jim gasped harshly as Spock started gently kissing a trail down his neck to his shoulder as they stood beside Spock's bed. With his face buried in the junction where Jim's neck and shoulder met, Spock showcased some of his Vulcan strength as he nearly lifted Jim off his feet and smoothly took them to bed.
" O-Oh my God." Jim breathed as his back met the cool sheets that covered the bed, and Spock ended up laying half on-top on him. Jim did his own exploring, his hands seeking out the smooth expanse of Spock's back. The way Spock's breath hitched as Jim trailed his fingertips along the length of the Vulcan's spine. Spock drew back so that he and Jim were face to face.
Spock took a moment to admire his intended. Jim lay breathing hard, a light flush to his cheeks. The tears had dried, but his striking blue eyes remained bright with clear desire. Spock leaned in and took Jim's lips in a deep, probing kiss, something inside himself that was broken finally mending itself, most likely the part of his very katra that had been bereft of Jim since that night he had made that terrible mistake. Jim reached up with one of his hands, his fingers seeking out the elegant point of Spock's ear. Spock broke off the kiss with a sharp gasp as he felt Jim's fingertips touch his ear.
They both felt the blood rushing through their veins, roaring in their ears and going downwards. The air grew heated between them as Jim leaned up to press his lips to Spock's once more. Jim had to blink his eyes rapidly against the tell-tale burn as he felt his body finally start to respond to the stimulation. But just as Spock happened to move his leg between Jim's, the Vulcan's thigh brushing against the obvious proof of Jim's desire, it was like someone dumbed a bucket of ice-cold water on Jim as he flashed back to grotesque memories of rough scales and clawed hands.
Spock was immediately alert as he felt Jim go rigid beneath him, his mind clear and knowing as he instantly realized that a flashback had been triggered in Jim. Instead of feeling apologetic, Spock felt an angry determination suddenly fill him. It was Jim himself to had come to him tonight, want to finally conquer the final wall that remained between them. He would be damned if he failed to help his T'hy'la achieved this.
With a low growl Spock reached up and seized Jim's jaw with his hand, forcing the panicked human to look directly at him as he got right into Jim's face, mere inches separating them as he spoke.
" Look at me." He ordered first.
Breathing rapidly and with wide eyes, Jim forced himself to comply, trying desperately to quell the panic that was steadily rising inside him.
" He is dead Jim, he is dead now my T'hy'la. He will never again be able to hurt you or anyone else, he thought nothing about you, who you are, or how much you mean to me and the others, but in truth it is he who was nothing then, and he is who nothing now." Spock then let go of Jim's jaw to gently cup his cheek as he continued.
" Say it my love, say that It'Vek is nothing. Please, say it T'hy'la."
Jim let out a shaky breath, his jaw starting to tremble before he took a deep breath through his nose and met Spock's dark eyed gaze.
" I-It'Vek is... It'Vek is nothing." Spock leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Jim's lips, drawing away quickly and looming over the blond once more.
" Again." He ordered.
" It'Vek is nothing." Jim said, a little more firmly than initially.
" Again." Spock ordered, one of his hands subtly trailing down Jim's heaving chest and quivering stomach.
" It'Vek is nothing." Jim said, his voice becoming more of an angry growl as well as his eyes hardened.
" Again!" Spock demanded sharply as he carefully slips his hand under the waistband of Jim's sweatpants that he was still wearing.
" It'Vek is NOTHING!... AH!" Jim nearly shouted before he cried out at the feel of Spock's hand touching the most intimate part of him.
Spock watched on in silent admiration as Jim's whole body arched magnificent beneath him, his face held in a look of pained ecstasy. Spock tucked his free hand beneath Jim's head and pulled his up a little so that he could once more ravage his T'hy'la's mouth. Jim sobbed into the kiss and lost himself in it, wrapping his arms around Spock and pulling the Vulcan flush agains him as he finally let go of the lingering fear and simple let the pleasure wash over him.
When some awareness returned to him, Jim kept kissing Spock, but snaked one of his hands downward, slipping it past the waistband of Spock's sleeping pants and seeking out the heated flesh, touching as he was being touched. Spock broke off the kiss with a harsh gasp, groaning loudly and not giving a damn about Vulcan propriety in the face of the sensations. They lost themselves in the feel of each other, utterly and completely.
Several hours later, well into the night...
Spock allowed the barest quirk at the corner of his lips as he ran his hand along the length on Jim's spine as the blond lay on his front, fast asleep.
" Mm." Jim made a small noise of contentment as Spock's touch, but otherwise did not stir as he slept on, a look of pure peace on his face as he slept.
What they had done together, this rediscovering of each other's bodies without actually joining in intercourse had left them both sated and content. After they had finished, Spock had dragged a dazed Jim into the shower where they had cleaned themselves and simply held each other under the spray, finally having broken the last barrier. Salt water may have mixed with the regular water but there was no one else to see. After that, they had gone back to Spock's bed where Jim had fallen asleep before his head even hit the pillows. Now it was just Spock who lay propped up on his elbow, the crisp white sheets covering both him and his beloved T'hy'la from the waist down. With a small sigh, Spock trailed his hand back up Jim's spine before gently gripping the human's shoulder. With a light tug, Spock slowly had Jim turning over onto his back, frowning lightly at being disturbed but otherwise sleeping on.
Spock lay down on his front, the hand at Jim's shoulder now moving to cup the back of the sleeping human's blond head. As he lay face to face with his sleeping soon-to-be bondmate, Spock spoke the words that were in his heart.
" Wani ra yana ro aisha." He said softly. He didn't expect a reply but got one anyway.
" I love too Spock." Jim whispered softly as he turned onto his side and wrapped his own arm around Spock's waist.
Feeling peaceful contentment for the first time in a longtime, Spock tightened his own hold around Jim and finally allowed himself to drift off as well and join his T'hy'la in peaceful sleep.