The Quite Peckish Games
"Are you ready?" Crove asked, all cocky like. You know, humbleness is a virtue. One of the many virtues I have, because I am the amazing Sue!
"Yeah, I guess," I replied, "Thanks for being polite about it."
Crove rushed at me. I tried to take out my bow. She kicked me in the stomach before I could, and I toppled to the ground.
"Did you seriously think you could shoot me point blank with an ARROW?! Honestly, I'm not an idiot. That's your thing. It's not like I'll leave my guard down instead of just killing you-"
At that moment, Mesh picked her up off of me. That's what I like to call 'convenience'! Where someone saves me, and I'm regarded as a great hero, because I survived being attacked! YEAH, this is what I call quality writing!
"... I'm sorry, but I'm dating Cano. The guy I'm about to murder, after you all die. You know him? Hahahahahaha! Now, if you'll just let me go..." She begged. Mesh sighed.
"Seriously. Not everyone in this story thinks like Kamuss. I'm not going to let you run away." Mesh told her. Wow, this story just got serious. Bet you didn't see that coming, huh? Well, that's what's happening, until the Author can make a good joke.
... So basically, this series is never going to be funny. Ever.
Mesh threw Crove onto the ground. Hopefully this story doesn't get too graphic- Wait, what. The. Actual. Ledger?! I think Mesh just dropped a rock onto Crove's head. Is there anyway to make this light-hearted?! I don't know, find out next chapter!
... Seriously, we're still doing this chapter?! Wow, that was a good place to end it. It would've still been idiotically short.
We all hear Cannon fire. You know, that thing that's never mentioned in the story except for a one-off Mortal Kombat joke.
"Okay, Cano knows where we are." Pita the Stalker told us, "But at least he doesn't know who died!"
"He will in about five minutes." Mesh told us.
"Why?" Pita the Wanker- I mean, Stalker- I mean, the Bread said.
"Because Crove was supposed to kill ALL of us," Mesh explained, "For some of us... Less math skilled," I stare at Pita. Mesh also stares at me, for some reason, "That equals three cannons."
"Dammit!" I yelled, "Why did you have to bring logic into this?! THIS. IS. A. FAN FICTION. We shouldn't have logic!"
Now normally, people don't like reading about someone whine. For some reason, I'm an exception. Wanna know how I found that out? Heybetch told me that I've been whining for this whole story. Yeah, even before the actual Games started, he knew that I'm going to break the fourth wall a lot.
God, I love taking a break from the plot to make a bad fourth wall breaking joke!
We all decide to leave. Well, me and Mesh did. I had a part in the decision because I'm the main character, and, if they didn't come with me and they weren't an antagonist, they'd die off-screen. Mesh got a part because he's one of the two people who actually knows what they're doing. Pita didn't get a part because I don't talk to bread.
As we walked, nothing worth narrating happened. I'm just taking up time until we come to a intelligent, creative threat to attack us- HOLY LEDGER IT'S A DISNEY BASED WOLF!
The Wolf has the same basic appearance as Roo. I mean, Wolves don't generally have a hair cut, and they can't necessarily have a wolf with the face of a ten year old. And they can't make a wolf a certain race, which was one of her main defining traits. So basically the only resemblance is eye colour. BUT IT'S STILL ROO, PROBABLY!
I attempt to take out my bow, before the Roo-Wolf pounces on me, like a certain D, O, double G dogg. Yeah, I misspelled it for the purpose of a millionth reference to something I've never seen before. SHUT UP!
Mesh picks the Roo-Wolf up off of me, "It's in these circumstances that you should attack with a knife!" He yelled. Hey, we're just lucky that the Capitol is polite enough to make wolves that can wait for someone to hang a lampshade.
As Mesh beats the Roo-Wolf, I realize that this can be the only one. The damned Author is so obsessed with making this story legally distinct, he must be looking out his window in fear whenever he references Disney.
Mesh killed the Roo-Wolf (I love how I can make him do everything. It's gonna suck when he inevitabley dies to save me!) we continued on, until we reached a large, never entirely explained metal thing, of which we all climb on.
"Okay, so. I need you to take your bow out now," Mesh told me, "Not when you see a threat, and definitely not when it's already running at you."
I do what he said. Hey, better be safe then sorry! Convenient timing, because what I can only assume is the Crove-Wolf (For some odd reason, I can differentiate people based off their colours, but I can't... You know what, go to any chapter, you'll be able to find something to compare it to pretty damn quickly.) attacked Mesh.
Mesh proceeded to wrestle it, letting out some hilarious witty one-liners as he wrestled. I'd tell them to you, but you called me stupid. And you say that I over-use that 'But you called me stupid', joke. Well, who's being original NOW?! Huh? HUH?!
... Still pretty much everyone in comparison to me, but still. I'm the one with the point.
Anyway, I decided to be helpful. "Don't worry, Mesh!" I called, "I'll save you THIS TIME!" Hey, I haven't done anything heroic in a while, and I need some sympathy points. After that whole 'Sparkle' thing, people aren't liking me as a protaganist! Ridiculous, right?
... You didn't have to use such foul language, man.
I shot an arrow at Mesh. Unfortunatly, my amazing plot-based archery skills don't seem to be working right now, most likely due to the plot going nowhere, and I hit Mesh.
There goes one of my main character traits, 'good archer'. At least I still have, 'is pretty funny', and... Wow, this story sucks.
I hear cannon fire, which scares off the Crove-Wolf. Thanks, Capitol! It could've still ate Pita...
"Hey, Kamuss." Pita called. Honestly, I had no idea where he was. What, I'm not the one who's supposed to be telling this story!
... No, Reader, I will not look up 'narrator in the dictionary! I'm trying to tell a story through my point of view, commenting on the current events of the situation!
"I was just down there. The Generic Metal Platform freaks me out. I think I killed four or five Wolves." Pita told me.
"Oh yeah?" I replied, "I killed Mesh!"
"No offense, but that's not really something to brag about. He was our team mate!"
"Well... I scared away the Crove-Wolf!" I argued. Surely he will not have a comeback-
"I think that one bit my arm. It's bleeding, hard."
... Dammit, Pita! Why do you have to ruin everything for me! You getting hurt should be a joyous occasion!
"THERE YOU ARE!" I hear someone yell from the distance. I wonder who the only other person who could fight us is?! Maybe it's Harrison Motter! I'm pretty sure quite a few people have written that fan fiction already. Damn fan girls making me kill random people... It's hard enough being sympathetic killing people who some on the internet have literally called pure evil incarnate! Anyway, whoever it is, I should thank them for breaking the awkward silence between paragraphs. Here it comes:
See, wasn't that awkward?
Cano walked up onto the Metal Platform Thing. I got an arrow ready.
"What're you gonna do, shoot me?" He asked, in a similar fashion to how Storm asks his questions. Totally sincere without a hint of irony nor rhetoricality.
"Uh, yeah," I replied. "Thanks for noticing."
"Well, you know what? TOO F CKING BAD, BITCH!" He yelled, as he kicked Pita in the balls. Well, the closest to balls someone like him can have. I immediately feel a new respect for Cano. This time not in a sexual way. Well, mostly not in a sexual way.
"I've figured something out. My years of training is basically freakin' worthless!" As Pita writhed in pain, Cano hit him in the neck with the hilt of his sword that I forgot to mention.
"You wanna know why?!"
"Not really, but this damned story's word count needs to be padded, so shoot."
"Because this whole universe is just so f cked up! Whenever I do something great, someone can do the same or better, just for a cheap laugh!" Cano kicked the back of Pita's knee, making him finally collapse.
"I'm not a funny person. Everyone, EVERYONE I meet, is constantly spouting jokes and pop culture references of damn things none of us have ever SEEN!"
"It's like everyone knows they're being watched, so they're trying to be entertaining, and I'm the victim everyone pranks! But it's not a damned prank show! THIS. IS. F CKING. SERIOUS. BUSINESS."
"And I'm never going to win! I'm just gonna give up now, before some damn ridiculous thing kills me, like, if I touched a tree, and I got cancer from it! CANO IS OUT OF HERE, MARY SUE BITCHES!"
Cano then jumped off the Metal Platform and at the Wolves who promptly ate him. Why they never attacked neither Pita or Cano while they were coming up is for fan fiction to explain.
... What?! We're ending here?! Nice place to end a chapter, you un-creative Pita of Writers, you.
Looks like we're almost done here! Only one, at most, two more chapters left until the main story is finished! It is about 1:15 AM as I write this, so I'm happy to almost be finished this chapter!
Writing this has been a lot of fun, and I'm glad people are really liking it. I've gotten some complaints over the length of the chapters, and the last three have been trying to counter this by being (overly, in a writing standpoint) longer!
By the way, yes, Cano killed himself. This ending I've had planned since like, chapter 12. I've made him the only sane person in this whole freaking series, and the only one who'd survive, nay, thrive in the actual Hunger Games universe. He's also been one of my favorites to write, and I'm glad nobody has really hated him!
I'm really sad to have to kill the Contestants, because a lot are a ton of fun to write. Weasel Face, Sparkle, Mahvel, Roo, Crippled Kid, Cano, all really fun characters. Except for Cano. I may do a bit more with them in the form of flashbacks or bonus chapters.
I'm also excited to start thinking about OH MY GOD I'M CATCHING FIRE!. I get to write some of my favorite characters (Heybetch, Pita, Kamuss, Miffy, Finnigan McIrish, and more.) and there is a lot more to make fun of, seeing as I didn't like that book as much as the original, and that's saying something.
That's all for now, and bye!