Cherry is holding her heart. I bet its really a pit. *chuckles loudly. includes knee-slap*
Mia said I don't exist. That hurts, ya know. *evaporates into nothingness*
Cinnynala is a great consultant. I owe you. *pulls out slimy crumpled dollar bill*
READERS- This is a long chapter (for me anyways). So sit back, relax, and don't skim read. Yeah, I know your kind.*whispers* Skimmer...
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Breakdowns and Beginnings
May 16th
"I can't do it anymore, Dr. Aro! It's been two weeks and I can't do it anymore. I give up and I want to go home!"
Fucking hell, I swear I will kill someone if I don't get some damn liquor.
Lock me the hell away, 'cause I'm gonna kill everybody and their fucking mother if I don't get some whiskey soon.
Somehow.
"And where exactly is home, Bella?"
"My apartment! Where in the hell did you think I was talking about?"
Dr. Aro removes his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose. "We've been over this, Bella. You've been evicted from your apartment. Your father picked up all of your belongings last week."
"Liar! You're just telling me that to keep me here!" I accuse him. "Screw you Mr. Doctor-That-Doesn't-Know-Shit! Who told you to say that, huh? Who was it? That little bitch assistant of yours, Jane? Did she go and steal my Johnny? I knew it! She's a whore! Did she suck your cock so you could lie to me? You fuckin' her, Doc? Are you fucking your hot little assistant?"
I take my shirt off and throw it on the floor. "Did she show you her tits, huh? Did she shake 'em like this? Mama always said you shake 'em good to get what you want!"
Dr. Aro pulls a walkie talkie out of his white coat. "Sam, we have a code 47. I repeat, we have a code 47. Patient is in need of sedatives. I need assistance in room 14C."
When they remove me from Dr. Aro's office, half-naked and screaming, a sharp needle penetrates my arm.
As my vision becomes blurry, the only thing I notice is a pair of green eyes staring from the entrance doorway.
.
.
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June 27th
"Poor judgment?" I rise from my uncomfortable chair, flipping the clipboard from Dr. Aro's hands. "I'll show you poor judgment! Poor judgment is when Mama stopped smiling and started fucking everything with two legs and a dick. Poor judgment is when you can't find a fucking scrap of food in the house and she doesn't come home for three days. Poor judgment is when you're so fucking tired of fucking living that vodka starts to taste like water. Poor judgment is when you're washing men's semen off of one dollar bills just so you can pay your stupid light bill. Don't you tell me a damn thing about poor judgment!"
Dr. Aro clears his throat and calmly picks up his clipboard from off of the floor. "Bella, I was only trying to insinuate-"
He is interrupted by a knock on the glass window. The last person I'd ever want to see in the entire world is standing there staring at me.
I kick the chair over and run to the glass, screaming. "Get out, Cadillac! Get the fuck out! Why are you even here? Get ouuuuuuut!"
As I pound my fists against the glass he stares at me with wide eyes full of pity. I don't even know if he can hear me, but I yell anyways. "This is your fault! I wish I had never met you! I wish I had had enough money for my own damn ice cream and I would've never met you and your stupid red bandana and your fresh-kiwi-Christmas-tree green eyes. I wouldn't have kissed you and your stupid raindrops and held your stupid flowers that don't mean shit! Do you hear me, Edward Cullen? They don't mean fucking shit! I hate you! I fucking hate you!"
My fists turn to open palms as I slide down the glass and curl into a ball. My shoulders sag as I struggle to hold myself together. I rock back and forth, staring at the sea foam colored walls.
Please, just one drink.
Please. I swear, I won't drink anymore.
Just a sip.
"Bella?"
Dr. Aro holds a finger up to the glass and kneels in front of me. "What do you want, Doc?"
My voice carries nothing less than poisonous venom as I bitterly spit in his face.
"If you don't have poor judgment … and if you hate Mr. Cullen so much then why, may I ask, are you crying so hard?"
"I don't know," I hiccup quietly, sobbing until I can barely breathe. "I don't fucking know…"
.
.
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July 5th
"You don't understand," I whisper, holding my legs underneath me. "I asked to drive. It doesn't matter what they said. If Cadillac had been driving, he would have been able to move in time. But because I was inexperienced, I froze! I didn't brake and I didn't speed away; I didn't do anything!"
"And you know this how, exactly? Do you think an 18-year-old boy would have been able to do any better? According to the police report, the truck driver was intoxicated from his own Bud Light products. He was speeding at the wheel, Bella. What does that tell you?"
I'm silent for three heartbeats before I answer. "That drinking doesn't make people better. It only destroys them."
Look what happened to you, Bella.
Stay strong. Nothing tastes as good as sober feels.
"Exactly." Dr. Aro leans forward, placing a gentle hand on my knee. "The accident was just that–an accident. You couldn't control that stranger any more than you could control your mother. But there is one thing that you can control. Can you tell me what that is?"
"Myself?" I say meekly.
"Right again." Dr. Aro peeks at his watch. "Our session is over. I need to go back to Riverside, but I'll come back later this week."
"Dr. Aro?" I glance up at him as he stands from his seat.
"Yes, Bella?"
"Is Daddy paying you to be here?" I ask slowly. "Or Cadillac? I mean, I know you work with the teenagers and I don't want to take you away from helping them."
Dr. Aro smiles warmly at me. "The teens are having their outside time right now, if you can recall, which is why I can only hold sessions with you in the evening. And no one is paying me. I'm taking you as a free patient."
I stare in awe. "Me? Why?"
"You remind me of a young man I once knew." Dr. Aro winks at me and opens the door. "See you Friday, Ms. Swan."
.
.
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August 1st
"You've earned your GED, Bella! How does that feel?"
Like everything.
My fingers run over the embossed ink on the smooth crème colored paper. "It feels great! Thanks for all of your help. And to Jane for taking me to the classes."
Dr. Aro smiles. "No gratitude is needed. I told you, with hard work and perseverance, anything is possible. Fighting your addiction is not an easy task, but with your new diploma, it proves you have critical thinking skills and reasoning to overcome your obstacles. What do you see yourself doing next?"
I shyly pull two glossy pamphlets out from behind my back. "College, I reckon. I mean, I don't know, but this one has a psychology program. I thought that looked interesting."
"Excellent! The University of Washington is one of the best in the state. Not that I'm being biased or anything." Dr. Aro chuckles as Jane knocks on the door and peeks in without waiting for a response."
"Mr. Swan is here."
"Thank you, Jane. Bring him in." Dr. Aro swivels his chair back towards me. "This is a big step, Bella, for you today. As you've requested, we'll talk to the families involved separately. Are you sure you're ready for this?"
I have to be.
Fix your mistakes. Own up to them. Be better.
"I'm ready."
Daddy walks in, aged far beyond what any man his age should be.
"Bella?"
"Daddy!"
He's holding me before I can react. "Look at you, baby girl."
Daddy's eyes water as he takes a seat beside me.
Dr. Aro straightens the papers on his clipboard. "Mr. Swan, it's good to see you again. In regards to what we spoke of over the phone, this is your time to also get anything off of your chest, but Bella remains the main priority."
Daddy nods, but glances around. "Where are the Cullens?"
I open my mouth to speak, but Dr. Aro answers his question. "Per request of Bella, we will be having sessions separately so as to not overwhelm her. She asked to see you first."
"Bella?" The doctor turns to me to begin.
I shift my feet uncomfortably. "Daddy … I-I was selfish. I left you even though you were a good father to me. I left you without saying a word, causing you stress and worry. You didn't deserve that. No daughter should ever do that her daddy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ran away and started drinking again."
Daddy grasps my hand. "I was heartbroken, Bella. I couldn't find you. The police … nobody. And then you showed back up and doing what your mother did. If Edward hadn't called me…I-I…"
Daddy's nose flares. "I was angry, baby girl; angry that you felt like you couldn't come to me. I thought we were closer than that. You left and took the happiness right out of my life after I looked so hard for you the first time. Can you even imagine what I went through?"
I glance away, his fury with me justified. I'd earned his wrath and zero forgiveness.
"But I'm glad you're safe. That is what matters. But, I need you to focus and stay clean this time. I won't bury a daughter like I did my ex-wife. I was too easy on you, Bella. It's too late now 'cause you're grown. But, I'm going to be watching you this time around. You gotta keep your priorities straight and do something good with your life. Don't waste it, baby girl. It's the only one you've got. When you fall, you gotta get back up and stay up, you hear me?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now, give your old man a hug. I've missed your awful cakes."
I laugh as Daddy embraces me. When we finally pull back, I realize I'm missing a piece of the puzzle that makes this meeting complete. "Alice?"
Daddy shakes his head. "She … didn't want to come. I'm sorry, Bella. Maybe in time…"
Dr. Aro concludes the meeting, but my thoughts stray towards my best friend.
When you burn your bridges, not all of them can be rebuilt.
.
.
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August 9th
"They're here." Dr. Aro announces. "Remember, take a deep breath. You can do this."
I nod, but my palms are extremely sweaty. I bounce my knee up and down as I wait several minutes for them to get here. Much too soon, Esme, Carlisle, and Cadillac arrive in the small, enclosed space.
"Welcome. Please take a seat." The doctor gestures towards the conference table where the three of them cautiously sit across from me. I run my fingers through my hair, fully aware of how disheveled the strands are. But, I'm clean. My eyes are brighter, my skin looks healthier, and I've gained a few pounds.
Progress.
All three of them look at me with sympathy. Cadillac is the worst. I can't bear to look at him or to see the pain I've caused his family. I tap the table nervously.
"Bella, the floor is yours. You may say anything you wish."
"Umm, okay…" A full 60 seconds passes by before I open my mouth. Realizing I'm unable to do this on my own, I pull out the slip of paper I prepared beforehand.
"Carlisle and Esme, the death of James will always be on my hands. I know, you've told me before it wasn't my fault, but guilt is not something that can be washed away with words. It was my thoughtless decision to drive that caused the death of your son. Maybe if Cad–I mean Edward–maybe if he was driving he could have avoided the accident. Maybe not. We'll never know. But one thing I do know is that I wasn't there for you. I wallowed in my own grief and ran away. I wasn't even there for your baby boy's funeral. In some ways, I think I didn't deserve to be there. In others, I should have been holding your hand as you have done mine so many times. I caused you extra concern and tension when you didn't need it. For that, I am sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me; you shouldn't have to. But, I want you to know that I do apologize. You both have been like a mother and father to me. And family doesn't run away–they stick together. So, as a daughter, I hope you recognize that my intentions were never to hurt you or to cause you additional grief. I can never give back those lost moments, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
I stare at my paper even though there are no more words to read. I hear the scrapping of a chair and in seconds, a warm body turns me around and envelopes me in a hug.
Esme's tears fall on my shoulders as mine do hers. "Oh, Bella! You sweet child. You don't have to make up anything. Nothing at all…"
I don't know who weeps louder, but eventually she pulls back and rubs my hair as Carlisle speaks up. "Thank you Bella, for your apology. We were deeply saddened by James. It was a difficult time for our family, but in no way did we ever blame you."
Carlisle shifts in his seat and pulls out a folded red cloth. "This is James' cape. He was always wearing this silly thing, calling himself a superhero…" Carlisle's fingers rub the soft material. "One thing I learned from my five-year-old son is that superheroes come in all shape and sizes. Sometimes, they are little boys with big dreams who love trains. Other times, they are a young girl who fights hell and back just to live. I'm a doctor, so I know it takes more than a beating heart to survive. It takes willpower. And you have that, Bella. So, on behalf of my family and me, I'd like to give you this."
Carlisle passes the red cape across the table and I gently reach for it. The neck strings dangle as I close my fingers around. "Thank you. I … I don't know…"
"Don't say anything, Bella. Just know that we love you." A fresh wave of tears trickle down as Carlisle wipes his red eyes. He stands up, walking to my side of the table and wrapping me in a hug.
I've never felt more loved than in this moment. I feel free, like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Guilt, in all of its forms, is a heavy load to carry.
Esme pats my back and kisses me on my forehead. "We have to go now, but Edward will stay so you two can work things out. Do you remember what I once told you, dear? You don't have to find your strength…"
"Sometimes it comes to you," I finish.
She smiles as they thank Dr. Aro and leave. Cadillac waits patiently, folding his hands in silence.
"Bella, now is your turn to speak to Edward. Is there anything you would like to say?"
I nod, pulling out a separate sheet of paper. For the first time, Cadillac speaks.
"Don't do that." He stands up and walks to my side, scooting out the empty chair beside me and grasping my hands. "Don't read me anything. Just talk, baby bird. I promise, I'll hear every word."
I swallow, letting his thumbs caress my small, pale hands. Being inside has faded my usual summer tan, and the contrast between us is noticeable. My heart thumps as he stares at me intently.
"I can't … I ain't…" All of my formal, written language is thrown out of the window as I stare into his soul. It's sickening how beautiful he is–how even the raised goose bumps on his flesh are a reminder of how he'll always be hopelessly perfect.
"Take your time, Bella. You are in no rush," Dr. Aro says softly.
I nod as gravity pulls between us, binding love that should have been broken long ago.
I revert to the one the thing I do best: pretend like I'm reading a script.
"There was this girl. She was cute, you know; sweet with pigtails and wore pretty dresses that the boys used to look under. She was a happy child and then one day, when she got older, she heard her mama and daddy yelling. It was late, so she huddled under her blankets, hidin' and wishin' they would stop. It was like that, day in and day out. Her Mama sat her down one day and told the little girl that the daddy was still her Daddy, but the man won't her husband anymore. The little girl couldn't figure out how that was. Her daddy was still there, even if he was sleeping on the couch. And then one night, when the girl was asleep, her mama woke her up and said they were leaving. She looked around in the dim light, wondering where all her stuff was. 'I packed it,' her mama told her. 'We're going on a trip, sug.' The girl left, tiptoeing past her daddy and wondering if he was coming too. So, the girl and her Mama drove a long ways away…"
I sob, recalling that painful night. "They kept driving and driving until they finally arrived at this small, blue house with wind chimes hanging from the porch. 'Where are we, Mama?' she asked. Her Mama just stared at her. 'Your Pop-Pop's house.' The girl didn't even know what a pop-pop was, but she followed her Mama in that house. She fell in love with the old man. He watched her, when her Mama left for long periods of time. He called her an angel and gave her a lot of pretty things. Then one day, when they were outside rocking on the porch, the girl's grandfather died. Right in front of her. She cried and cried, not knowing what to do. But she saw this bottle in the kitchen when she went to go reach for the phone. And she drank it. It was bitter at first, but then her head started feeling funny. So she drank more and more of it. She kept drinking until two whole days passed and her mama finally returned. Her mama came back, yelling and screaming at the girl, like it was her fault. After her Pop-Pop died her mama started dragging her to the club 'cause no one else was there to watch her. She drank when they moved into a dirty box, and she drank until all of her Pop-Pop's liquor collection was finally gone. That's how she coped, drinking until the stars lost their light…"
Cadillac wipes away my tears as I continue. "And then, one day, the girl met a beautiful boy. He ain't seem like a good boy, 'cause all boys were bad. But she couldn't stop thinking about him. He was sweet and had a funny name and gave her butterflies. But that boy won't enough for her to stop drinking. He won't enough when he found out about her addiction, and he won't enough when she was almost raped. He won't enough when the girl's Mama left, and he won't enough even when she was happy and found her Daddy again. He won't enough even though he saved her from being killed by the bad man and her mama. And he wasn't enough when she killed his little brother, 'cause in her head it was all her fault."
My knee finally stops bouncing and I can look him in the eyes.
"One day, that girl woke up and she became a woman. She became a woman who realized that sweet, fast-talking boys were never going to be good enough, but she had to be good enough to herself. She started loving herself and realizing her worth didn't come from others. She had to let go of the past and start living for the future. That sweet boy once told her she needed to stop flipping back the pages of a book and to keep reading. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm reading ahead, for better times and a happy ending. But there's this epilogue at the end, and it reads just like this: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the heartache and pain and bullshit I put you through. I'm sorry for making you feel like you had to love both of us, 'cause I couldn't love myself. I'm sorry for leaving. And most of all, I'm sorry for not catching those raindrops sooner. They're beautiful, those colors of the rainbow. But I'm not looking for them in the sky anymore. I'm making my own. And when I do, that sweet boy's gonna know, it's all right to keep starin' at the sun. I see him risin' and shinin'."
Cadillac's gaze is like weightless whispers that kiss me tenderly. For once, I don't feel so empty.
His lips press against the back of my hand and I am filled to the brim.
"Edward, for the first time - I see you."