King Rat: Our Kingdom
Author Notes: Taking all bets! Who thinks stuff is about to get better? Who thinks it's about to get worse? Read on and find out!
Disclaimer: The characters of Saiyuki are not mine.
34: Like Dogwood with the Seasons
The leaves had changed and started to shed from the boughs as the weather became colder and colder, and the gentrified, groomed lawns were a patchwork carpet of brilliant red and yellows. The colors were fading quickly to brown, and the nights had been wracked with squalls and rainstorms, a harbinger of a nasty winter to come. As it stood, though, October was only half over and November was edging in, closer by the day, winter still but a premonition. It was one of those cool, clear days Hakkai noticed Gojyo's shop apron hung up on the shelves behind him rather than around his neck. "Gojyo, your uniform." He pulled it off the peg and held it out, and Gojyo narrowed his eyes at the wall.
"Nope. Not gonna."
"I know you don't like it and think it's girly." He slung the apron around Gojyo's neck and slicked his hair over the strap. "But it's nice for us to match. Makes us look more professional, yes? Business has been better, even with flower prices rising." Gojyo sighed dramatically and hoisted himself to his feet, then tied the apron around his back.
"It ain't got nothin' to do with it being girly or me not wantin' to be professional and shit." Gojyo folded his arms over the logo on his chest, and tilted his eyes down. "My stomach looks a lot bigger in this thing."
Hakkai followed Gojyo's gaze, and found it to be true. At twenty-one weeks, Gojyo was starting to show through his clothes, a smooth bump that just pushed out against the front of the heavy apron, tenting it in front of him. Hakkai set one hand on his hip and scratched his head.
"Not big enough, if you ask me." Gojyo's cheeks flamed, but Hakkai held one hand up to stay him. "If you'd let me measure you, I could check your basal height, but just from looking, you're below average." He smoothed his hair where it stuck up to one side, doleful eyes moving between Gojyo's eyes and middle. "When we were on the road, I could examine you and the children every day. Now you won't even let me touch you except when your nausea's too bad for you to stand."
"M'fine, Kai." Gojyo squeezed his arms to his chest, which only made his middle look a little bit rounder. Hakkai giggled, but it dissolved to a soft sigh.
"When you want me to examine you closer, you know what to do. I'm having the sneaking suspicion that your stress level is having a negative effect on the little one." He moved to touch Gojyo's midsection, but Gojyo whirled a step away.
"Doesn't change that it's starting to get obvious." Gojyo whipped the bow loose and yanked the apron off in a flurry of red hair. "I'll figure out something else for the stupid uniform. It's not like I see customers much anyway." He marched for the door. "Look, I need to go for a walk, okay?" He yanked the door open, but jerked back when Hakkai took hold of a strand of his hair.
"Put your jacket on, please." Hakkai pulled his jacket off the rack by the door and held it out to him, and Gojyo rubbed the tender spot on his scalp and pulled it on. He felt a pang of rot in his gut; he loved that battered suede jacket. He hated that he'd gotten into the habit of leaving it behind when he didn't feel like wearing one. Hakkai only exacerbated his guilt and clicked his tongue. "Honestly, you're a father to nearly three! You can't get overexcited and start forgetting things like that. This winter is shaping up to be cold."
"Thanks, Mom." Gojyo rolled his eyes, and Hakkai giggled as he shoved both hands deep into the pockets.
"You can scold me back when you remember which day is for burnable garbage and which is for non-burnable." He waved him off and pretended not to notice Gojyo flipping him off over his shoulder.
Hakkai had noticed this in Gojyo lately; he was more withdrawn, moody, and refusing to acknowledge his pregnancy in what few ways he still could. Hakkai was doing his best. He made Gojyo's meals and lunches stacked with vegetables and fruits, he minded his activities to keep him from injuring himself, he'd pulled the bottle of soy sauce from the table (since Gojyo would use nearly a fourth of it in a sitting if left unimpeded) and tried to analyze his health when he did charge Gojyo's chi. Gojyo never let him get far, and would draw his wrist away the second Hakkai's touch turned from relief to exploration, but Hakkai could at least say he was trying. 'After all,' he reasoned, 'if this is going to be my child, I would very much like to ensure she arrives healthy.' Gojyo just seemed to be trying not to participate in his body's own processes, but Hakkai could see the sore spots where it did hit home.
He saw the anxious rise and fall of Gojyo's chest whenever he caught sight of himself in a reflective surface. He could see Gojyo trace the curve where he'd grown, though Hakkai only saw the gaunt hollows in his cheeks from not eating enough and losing too much of it. Gojyo still complained of cravings, still was ill most mornings. His ankles were swollen at the end of the day, and while Hakkai would offer to rub them, it was quite impossible when Sanzo was still at the house until within an hour of curfew, at which point Gojyo would always claim exhaustion and beg to be allowed to go to bed. Hakkai wasn't sure he was lying. He looked exhausted, anyway. Hakkai wasn't sure he was sleeping.
And yet, as always, unless Gojyo asked him for help or he directly saw the problem unfold, he couldn't do anything to help. Gojyo seemed more interested in dancing around his problems than facing them. This new habit of his was another side of that; he'd taken to taking a long walk at least once a day. He would always say it was "just around the block." He'd sometimes come back with a bag from the convenience store down the road that Hakkai just knew had contained something crunchy and salty only minutes before along with whatever else he'd grabbed, and sometimes, if it was late enough in the afternoon, he would return with the children from school, but Hakkai was certain it was all just cover. He could only imagine it was a way of dealing with the stress and clearing his head. He felt no choice but to let Gojyo have that. He didn't seem to have much else, and Hakkai was starting to suspect his moodiness was from more than pregnancy hormones. He just couldn't know for sure.
He also couldn't have known that while Gojyo took his walks to get stress out, he had a secondary, more covert reason. Gojyo was walking down to the bulletin board past the market to leave a note, the same note every time for a week now. He would tear down the old, ignored one from wherever in the hodgepodge of fliers and advertisements it had been buried and put the new one up fresh, right on top. "He'll see it this time. Definitely." He picked up his bag from the convenience store, withdrew a few peanuts and popped it into his mouth as he turned on his heel, leaving what was a plaintive missive but what looked like a weird request for a date:
"Help Wanted. Sha. Meet me ASAP. Bring ramen."
Gojyo never imagined he'd be pleading for help from this source, but he couldn't see any other choices left. They were trickling away like sand through a sieve, and as a drifting leaf caught in his hair just to be brushed away, he wondered just how fast winter would come.
Day by day, the leaves changed, and the flower grew.
Hakkai knew that his relationship with Gojyo was not the only one being stifled from his withdrawal, and nor was Sanzo's. The twins had been lucky so far; after all, Papa still came to visit most nights, and even if Daddy always seemed sick, he was always there when one or the other needed him. Both of their fathers sat at the dinner table with them, and they both wanted to hear all about their day. Papa always wanted to know if Eiji learned anything in science, or if math was hard, and Daddy wanted Yohei to tell him the score of the playground soccer game, and how that other boy's lunchbox ended up on the roof. If homework was extra-hard, Daddy would sit with them, though it was mostly Papa's job. Eiji liked how Papa would joke, "More paperwork?" even though the way he said it didn't really sound like a joke (but Eiji and Yohei knew it was) and made sure they always wrote their names on the line. They got to play with everyone when they were done, and now they were learning the adults' games too. Yohei especially liked all the card games- "I'm the champion of crazy-eights forever!"- but Eiji preferred the tile games and board games. Papa and Daddy both helped them wash up and brush their teeth and dry their hair, and Papa sometimes laid out their clothes for them so they wouldn't have to fuss with them in the morning. Papa and Daddy took turns reading them to sleep, except they only really got to sleep when Papa read. When Daddy read, they both cuddled up at his side, since he read the monsters and different characters with funny voices and stomped his feet and waved his hands to make the story more exciting. But they did get to sleep. They always woke up with Daddy, because Papa was always gone.
Daddy was sort of a problem, the two had decided first on their own and, later, together. Daddy was sick, and they knew it. Eiji could smell it on him in the mornings, which burned his nose, and he had great big saggy circles under his eyes that he'd rub until he got some of Uncle's tea. Uncle sometimes would rub his neck, and he'd perk up faster than he would with a cup of coffee, which made both boys wonder why Daddy didn't just have some coffee. (Yohei had even seen Daddy try to make some once, only to have Uncle stop him and scold him, "Now now, you know better. Go sit, I'll make you some tea that will be just as good." Yohei had giggled, because it was pretty funny that Daddy got told off the same as he and Eiji did when they acted up, but it remained a curiosity.) Daddy was still tired even after his tea, and those big circles never went away. They would try to talk to him, but they could tell he was just sort of nodding and smiling like they did when Uncle lectured them. They both knew something just wasn't quite right.
Eiji and Yohei may have been twins, but they were very different boys. They may have been raised by the same four men, but they had noticed different things about the world and got different ideas about it. As such, each of them had a different idea for what was wrong with Daddy.
"Daddy?" Eiji let his hand creep across the breakfast table one morning. Gojyo was staring into his teacup, sniffing it rather than drinking it, but his head jerked up as if someone had snapped their fingers over his face.
"What's up, kiddo?" He turned and grinned, and Eiji leaned on the table.
"Daddy, why isn't Papa here in the morning anymore ever?" He lolled forward, shifting his porridge bowl out of the way. Gojyo kept a soft chuckle in his throat.
"Aw, you miss seein' him, kiddo?" He reached forward and shoved Eiji's hair back from his face, then gently ground his palm against Eiji's forehead. "He just sleeps in his bed, and then he wakes up with all that work waitin' for him, so he just has to grit down to it. Don't worry, he'll still be here tonight."
"But Daddy, you're always so sad, and Papa makes you happy." Eiji bumped his head up against Gojyo's palm. "Please, make Papa come see you more."
"Baby, I am happy." Gojyo scooted his chair around the table and wrapped an arm tight around Eiji's shoulder. "I have you and Yohei. Look?" He pointed to his upturned lips. "See this smile? I'm happy with you."
"You have a smile here." Eiji pointed to his mouth, then traced a circle around the rest of his face. "But the rest of you doesn't smile." He lifted himself into Gojyo's lap. "Pretending is no fun unless everyone plays."
"Kid-" Gojyo caught Eiji's back as he squirmed up onto his thighs and hugged around his waist. "Ah, hell." He chuckled, and embraced him back. "I'm not pretending. I'm okay, alright?"
Yohei giggled over finishing his porridge. "Daddy, I know."
"Eh?" Gojyo gave a playful frown, a smile toying at the corners of his lips. What possible wisdom could a five-year-old offer? "Whatcha mean, Yo?"
"I know what'll make you feel better." Yohei rocked on the edge of his seat, legs swinging off the floor. "Since we make you happy, make more!"
Gojyo's head nearly rolled off of his neck from how fast he whipped around to face Yohei, only just remembering to plant Eiji back down in his chair. "What?"
"I still want a little brother, and you wanna be happy!" Yohei sprung up and down a few times, a grin plastered on his face. "We make you happy, so giving us a little brother will make you happy too!" He reached out and seized Gojyo's sleeve. "Daddy, please? We asked the Goddess, but I don't know how to get an answer. I know you said no, but come on, Daddy, a baby brother would be so awesome!"
This got an unexpected response, but it was one Yohei had thought he wanted: Laughter. Gojyo started to laugh, but his head canted back, his hand scrubbed up his face, and he slouched in the chair, his hips at the edge of the seat. Yohei and Eiji were both efficient at math by now, as Yohei only needed counting tokens for take-aways and Eiji had started to learn to double and triple numbers, but this sight didn't add up. Laughter is a happy noise. Why did the rest of Daddy look so, so miserable?
"Kiddo," he chortled into his fist, and rubbed tears of what Yohei hoped was joy from his eyes. "That's a funny joke, bud. You're askin' some big stuff from Daddy." He leaned forward and kissed his head. "Please don't tell Daddy that joke ever again."
Eiji and Yohei were not simple children by any stretch of the imagination. They had inherited some fairly strong intellects and as such, they had good judgment of character. They knew that when their schoolmates argued, even if they didn't see it, usually the one who was sad had been the victim and the one who was angry, the instigator. As such, if Daddy was sad, then someone else had to be causing the trouble. Eiji wasn't sure who it could be. More and more, though, Yohei was.
Sanzo was at the dinner table that same evening, crowded around the little table with all eight of the family, but he felt the fire on the side of his face. The conversation was mostly normal, but he soon parsed out that Yohei was being very, very quiet. He cast a sidelong look at the older of the twins, and discovered that Yohei had inherited more than just his blonde hair and light eyes- he'd also passed on a nasty, narrow-eyed glare that would make the weak-kneed tremble. Sanzo set his chopsticks down and returned the glower to the boy.
"Is something wrong, young man?" Eiji and Gojyo observed, Gojyo stunned that Yohei possessed the stink-eye, Eiji surprised that Sanzo was giving it back. Yohei flinched when Sanzo returned his expression with double force, and put on a timid grin.
"I just... thought..." He swallowed, and his voice shrunk with every word: "Daddy's been upset, and it's your fault, so-"
"Yohei." Gojyo pushed his plate back, threw his utensils down, and got to his feet with heavy effort. "That's not how you talk to your Papa. Up. Corner. Five minutes. Now." He escorted Yohei from the table with a firm pinch to his shoulder, and stood right at his back with the little egg timer in hand, turning it over and watching both the sand and the wall. Ryuichi's head lowered, Goku turned his eyes down, and Hakkai dabbed his lips with his napkin and smiled brightly over at Sanzo.
"My, he becomes more like Gojyo by the day, doesn't he?" This garnered a small chuckle from Ryuichi.
"Gojyo would never be that blunt with Mr. Sanzo," he observed, but received only laughter in return from Goku and Hakkai. Even Gojyo had to suppress a snicker. Sanzo's cheeks flushed crimson, and he pushed his plate aside.
"I need a smoke," he grumbled as he stormed out, but brushed his fingers against Eiji's back as he skulked out.
Sanzo lingered in the door as he and Goku took their leave for the night, taking in a few last private moments with Gojyo. "What was wrong with Yohei?" A cigarette hung slack in his lips, and Gojyo watched him smoke with a shrug.
"I guess I've been tired lately, so he figured I was depressed. Money's been tight, with the damage to the pipes and all those flowers we lost, so sleep's been kinda scant for me."
"Did you ever figure out what caused that?" Sanzo ashed against the brick, and Gojyo swallowed. Damn, but that cigarette smelled good.
"I told you, I probably didn't rinse the irrigation pump or something last time I cleaned it. My own dumb fault." He pushed up that same hollow smile, the one to which Sanzo was horrified to be acclimating.
"That won't help." Sanzo doffed the cigarette again, then dropped and extinguished it underfoot. "If money troubles have you stressed, insulting yourself will only hurt you more." The false expression wavered, and Gojyo only looked hollow now. "Stop calling yourself dumb. Talk like that only makes you want to put a bullet in your brain, and I won't see you even flirt with that path." He lit a fresh cigarette with a snick of his lighter, and Gojyo hung his head. "You flirt enough as it is." He expected a smile, a laugh, but only got a half-scoff.
"Thanks." Gojyo lifted his face, and Sanzo finally saw a small, genuine smile spread his lips and lift the edges of his eyes. "You better go." It vanished, and Sanzo turned his back.
"Try and fix Yohei. If you can find out why he's accusing me, of all people, I'd be glad to know."
"Sure deal, babe. See you tomorrow." Gojyo waved at his back, and wondered the same thing. He couldn't imagine why Yohei had soured on Sanzo so fast, but he wasn't surprised. After all, Sanzo was in and out of the family so often, the children had probably learned that it wouldn't be long until he vanished again. Yohei had to protect himself, and it was perhaps only a matter of time until Eiji did the same.
I wonder if you'll like him at all, little girl? His hand landed on his hip, and his fingers touched his middle. He'll be Uncle Sanzo if Hakkai's your Papa, right? I'll bet Uncle Sanzo will be nothing but a grouch to you, even if you end up looking exactly like him.
The day passed, and the flower grew.
Hakkai had no inkling as to just how closely the children were tied to Gojyo's difficulties, but he soon got a reminder. It had been just less than a week since the incident between Sanzo and Yohei, and in the intervening time, Gojyo had found a solution for his apron's less-than-flattering fall against his figure, one which Hakkai loathed. He carried too much decorum to object when Gojyo butchered the embroidered smock off the top of the apron and roughly stitched it onto an old, baggy sweatshirt. Hakkai had forced a smile and a, "My, perhaps I should hide my sewing kit better next time," but said no more of it. Gojyo shrugged it off, eyes narrow, expression guarded, and isolated himself in his workroom with his stack of orders and tension rolling off of him.
Hakkai could feel it through the walls. He could feel it creeping through the drywall and in the rivets between the floorboards, he could feel it gathering like a storm cloud. He heard the clip and clatter of Gojyo at work stop after a little while, and wandered into the aperture between the shop and his office during a lull in the morning. He watched Gojyo set his scissors down and settle back on his stool. Hakkai observed how his back swayed unsteadily with no support.
"Perhaps I should get you a chair with a back. Won't that be much better?" He smiled blithely as he broached the silence. Gojyo cast a chilly glance at him.
"Sounds nice, but we ain't got the scratch for that right now." He turned on his stool, spinning on his bottom, to face the shelves behind him. "Plus, if it's got a back, I'd have to get up to get my supplies."
"I see." Hakkai nodded, then entered the room in earnest. "Is something wrong?"
"I..." Gojyo sighed. "I dunno." He shook it off with a nod of his head. "No, I guess I'm just feeling off. Don't worry about me, okay?" He pulled his knees up to perch them on the stool's support bars, and delved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt. Gojyo couldn't understand why Hakkai hated it so much. Sure, he'd chopped up the prim green apron Hakkai had made for him, but the sweatshirt was warm, comfy, and big enough to hide the bulge forming under his navel. Plus, the pocket inside pressed right up against the bump, so he could discreetly pat and rub it and look like he was just digging for something or keeping his hands warm. And despite himself, he did want to pat and rub it. Nobody else would, and the sensitized skin longed for attention.
It wasn't just the skin, it was the little creature underneath. He could almost sense a longing for love and appreciation, a whispered, "I'm here, won't someone care about me?" He'd had an itch in his mind that he knew came from her, a plaintive plea for attention, and something about it felt like a warning siren. He could feel his whole body start to quake, tension humming up through him, and he couldn't understand why.
Then he felt it. It was small, just a twist up through the skin to the palm of his hand, a tiny foot kicking against him, but his mind was gone.
The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out the worms crawl in and the worms crawl out
No Ryuji no Ryuji no Ryuji no Ryuji NO RYUJI NO RYUJI NO RYUJI NO
COME BACK YOU ROTTEN BASTARDS!
"NO!" Gojyo cried out and tumbled off his chair. Hakkai burst forth to catch him, but Gojyo shoved him off. "No, no, no no no!" He sunk to his knees, clutched his middle in pain. "St... stop! No, damn it!"
"Gojyo!" Hakkai swooped back in, but Gojyo bristled at his touch and whirled into the wall. He tried to curl into the fetal position, as close as he could come, and Hakkai shook his shoulders. "What's wrong? What is it?"
"Sh-she's... moving..." She was, and she hadn't stopped. She was still kicking and twisting up against him. Gojyo choked, and gripped down against himself. "Ryuji! N-no, Ryuji-" He gagged and heaved into his palms. "No, no, no, you... c-can't... Please... leave him alone!" He batted at air, but only jostled the vases on the shelf and thumped his elbow on the wall. Hakkai grabbed his arm with both hands.
"Gojyo, please calm down," Hakkai instructed into his ear- kind, but firm. "You're not there. It's not happening. This is not Ryuji."
"The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out," Gojyo choked, and tried to dig into the skin of his belly with his fingernails. "No more! No more! I hate you! Get out!"
"Stop." Hakkai gripped Gojyo's forearms and yanked them from his pocket, and pinned his arms behind his back. Gojyo inhaled and exhaled sharply, quickly, his chest a bellows, mouth and nose nigh pouring steam. "Gojyo, this one is there because you let her in. You allowed it. She moves because she's alive, and isn't that wonderful?"
Gojyo's reply was barely audible, a snarl under his breath: "I need to see my baby." He wrenched his wrists from Hakkai's hold.
"Gojyo-"
"I want to see Yohei now."
"He's at school. Don't interrupt him-" Gojyo had already shoved Hakkai off and rushed for the door. He hardly remembered to tie his shoes and did not remember his jacket, and he was halfway down the block before Hakkai could even put together what had happened. He sighed, defeated, and returned to the desk to calm himself.
He had noticed that Gojyo seemed to ever-so-slightly favor Yohei over Eiji. It was minimal, but it was present. He had understood why. He hadn't imagined it would manifest like this, and he quietly suppressed the notion that he was going to have to protect the twins from their father if his difficulties escalated any further.
Gojyo tried to appear as calm as a man in his position could as he ambled (okay, scrambled) down the sidewalk towards Orchid Road. He strolled past the school, around to the back of the building, and glimpsed Yohei and Eiji over the fence and through the window. They were hard at work on something or other at their desks. He tacitly acknowledged that Hakkai was right by walking on by- how embarrassing would it be for your crazy-ass dad to bust into your classroom just to give you a hug? He stopped at a convenience store for a cup of coffee and a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, and meandered back towards home, enjoying his indulgences one sip and nibble at a time. As he passed by the school again, he could see the children all out in the side yard, running, playing, shouting. Eiji was with Tai, and the two were sharing a bucket of sidewalk chalk. Yohei, meanwhile, darted for the field with the soccer ball under his arm like a minnow away from sharks.
"There." He crumpled his empty coffee cup in his hand, and chucked it towards a wastebasket over the fence. He missed by half a meter, but didn't even notice. "See. That's him. He's right there." He tracked Yohei as the game started and the two teams broke out into formation. "He didn't..." He swallowed bile. "He didn't die. It's not happening again." He started to walk again, and stuffed his free hand into his sweater pocket. "You're okay, sweetie. You can do that all you like."
She didn't stop moving. She hadn't stopped moving. She was bright and alive and coming up green all over. Gojyo should have been happy, but tense peace was the closest he could come. The days passed, and the flower grew. With the strain his mind and heart were suffering, he was starting to want, maybe need, someone to water it.
Gojyo's SOS was answered after two weeks of hailing with a stone to his window. Gojyo had been awake anyway, not only because he'd been anticipating a response for weeks but because the baby never, never, never stopped moving. He tossed his covers off and turned his bedside lamp on, and went to the window. He waved out the window towards the street, and pointed to the back of the house until the shadows shifted in that direction. He'd left their step ladder under the kitchen window, and while it wasn't especially tall, it would be enough. He turned the kitchen light on, and opened the window. The late fall air, crisp with browning leaves and wet earth, gusted in, but through his sweatshirt, Gojyo couldn't feel the breeze. In a moment, a large box came into view of the window, and Gojyo took it and set it on the table before putting a hand down the side wall. A bigger one took hold in return, and Gojyo could feel a few new scars around the old calluses. There were a few boot scuffs against the side wall, and Jien clambered up and in, jumped down to the floor and shook himself off.
"Ramen, little brother?" He grinned rakishly. "That's a weird one."
"Gimme a break, Hakkai's cut me off." Gojyo chuckled and popped the takeout box open. He quickly surveyed the contents. "You got the bacon slab, right?"
"It's not ramen unless it's got half the fridge in it." Jien beamed, as Gojyo took out two carryout bowls.
"Man, makin' up for lost time?" Gojyo smirked. "Don't know how I'm gonna hide the second, though."
"Hey, that second one's for me. It's cold as shit out there." Jien slid the window shut behind him, and Gojyo broke out two sets of chopsticks. "So, ASAP? Hope I didn't keep you waiting."
"Not long." Gojyo set some napkins on the table, too well-trained by Hakkai for anything less. "I guess I didn't want you out of the loop, but I should'a tried to get you to come over sooner."
Jien sighed, and popped the lids off of the bowls. "Bro, I've been on the road for like five months, otherwise, I would'a dropped in sooner. I miss those cute little bastards." He sat down, and Gojyo followed suit. He eyed Gojyo, then took up a few noodles on his chopsticks. "So, uh, out of what loop?"
Gojyo watched, twiddling his thumbs under the table, as Jien lifted the noodles to his mouth. "You're getting a new niece or nephew." Jien choked on the noodles, and dropped his chopsticks.
"You're kiddin' me!" He whipped his head around to face Gojyo, and blanched to see the uncomfortable, tense expression wringing Gojyo's eyebrows together and forcing wrinkles onto his pallid brow. "You're not kiddin', are you?"
Gojyo shook his head. "Dude, no." He hoisted himself back to his feet and rolled his shirt up to show off the swell of his middle. "Like twenty-two weeks. I'll be in the third trimester ten days after my birthday."
"Holy fuck." Jien pressed his hands over his lips and swallowed hard. Gojyo laughed softly and dropped his hem.
"Uh, yeah. And I'm craving salt like a motherfucker." He sunk back to the chair, picked out a chunk of bacon from the broth, and popped it into his mouth for emphasis. Jien wheezed and scrubbed his chin with his hand.
"You... said you got cut off?"
"Hakkai said no more salty food." Gojyo recognized an abrupt subject change when he heard it, but it wouldn't do Jien much good. "Said I'd get hypertension, or pre-eclampsia, or some shit. So no crunchy, salty snacks, and he doesn't put soy sauce on the table anymore. Ramen would be right the fuck out. 'Least it's got veggies in it, though." He gobbled up a few chunks of scallions and carrots. "I gotta eat healthy, see." Jien swallowed, and picked up a few noodles, clearly still putting it all together.
"But you're eating," Jien pointed out. Gojyo faced him head on, and was stunned to see an almost peaceful expression.
"Yeah." Gojyo gobbled down a few more gulps. "But I'll lose it in the morning. I can't lay down and get up without feeling nauseous." Jien winced, and Gojyo fixed a rather hairy stare on him. "Better than the month and a half you locked me in a cell, since I at least got 'Kai on my side this time."
Jien snorted, and swallowed the noodles he'd slurped up. "You vomited on empty, little brother."
"Mm." Gojyo shrugged, and licked his lips. "Twins was rough. Pretty sure this is only one." He put both hands on the stiff pouch of skin just over his hips. "I was a fucking land-whale by this time with the boys." He sucked down another noodle, and Jien nodded sagely.
"If I had to guess, I wouldn't think you were five months pregnant." He smoothed back a few locks of overgrown hair, and watched Gojyo scarf down a few more noodles and follow it up with a slurp of broth. "I was gonna guess three, four at the most. Couldn't guess by the way you're eating, though."
"I ain't had salty goodness in a month, bro, gimme a break." Gojyo licked his lips. "She likes it, anyway." He realized one hand was still on his middle, and gave it a gentle squeeze. Jien smiled again.
"Set on a girl?" There was no longer any tension to his voice; either Jien had realized freaking out wouldn't change the situation, or he was legitimately happy to see Gojyo content. Gojyo couldn't be sure which, but grinned at his playful question.
"Hell yeah." Gojyo picked out a few of the naruto rolls and chewed hard, then swallowed harder. "Two boys is great, but number three'd be too much. He'd have two big brothers coaching him on how, exactly, to be the biggest pain in my ass. A little girl... that'd be Daddy's little princess."
"Watch that 'princess' talk, bro, you don't want her getting the wrong idea." Jien snickered. "You convince a little girl she's a princess, she's gonna act like one."
"Fine. Guess I'll stick with Daddy's little flower. Daddy knows a thing or seven about flowers- nice and quiet, for one." Gojyo beamed to himself, and Jien laughed. It was pleasant, sonorous, and deep, and made Gojyo feel much, much better.
"I'm gonna wanna visit more often. Hell, I'd wanna be the first guy to hold her after you, but I'm pretty sure that's gonna be her Papa." Jien took another bite. "So, how's Loverboy coping with being a father to two and a half?"
"Uh." Gojyo's expression returned to one of tension and anxiety. "He, uh, he ain't." Jien choked again, but Gojyo continued, "He don't know. I haven't told him."
"You've gotta be jokin'!" Jien shoved back from the table and snarled down at Gojyo. Gojyo pressed his hands down on open air, silently pleading with Jien to drop his volume, but Jien's pleasant smile was gone now along with any sense of decorum, and all the tension was back. "What, are you just gonna surprise him?!"
"I dunno." Gojyo winced. "I... I think I'm gonna give her to Hakkai."
"That's not fair! Not to you, not to Loverboy, and not to her!" Jien stomped his foot, and Gojyo winced.
"Bro, please- please-" He cringed, and Jien halted his rampage. It had been a long time since he'd seen Gojyo look this weak- this was not how the Gojyo he knew would react. "I know. I know. But Sanzo said he don't want a third kid, said I was 'unreasonable' for even bringing it up." He shook his head and buried his fingers in his hairline. Jien winced, remembering a small child cringing from a woman wailing down at his tiny, battered body. He just couldn't see the woman wounding him this time. "I was- I was fucking frozen when I found out. All the shit I've been through- I thought it couldn't get worse. And then he tells me no, just when I'm getting used to it, just when I'm accepting her. I tried to get rid of it, make myself lose it, but I couldn't do it, and Hakkai begged me out of it." He winced, and Jien saw him curl up around his middle, and whisper down, "Honey, stop, Daddy can't do this right now. Please go to sleep."
"You thought it couldn't get worse than having a baby," Jien repeated slowly. He studied Gojyo for a minute. "Bro, this ain't like you. I know something happened that messed your head up." He reached out and squeezed Gojyo's hand. "Tell me what's got you so on edge."
And Gojyo told him. He spilled everything that happened in the sealed realm, about King Rat and Ryuji. "He made me fall in love with the kid, then ripped him away from me, all the while scolding me in Sanzo's voice. I was terrified of my friends. I had to give birth to disembodied parts. I know this ain't like that." He hugged his middle. "I'm just so, so scared that there's something wrong with me, that I can't make babies right anymore, and that Sanzo-."
"You made the boys just fine. They came out perfect." Jien's fists were clenched and pressed, knuckle down, into the table. "What that guy did to you- if he weren't dead, I'd be out that fucking door and dealing with him myself, post fucking haste."
"Bro-" And then, Jien's hand was on his side, and his thumb slipped into the pocket of his sweatshirt to hook there.
"She really is pretty active, huh?" Gojyo froze, as Jien's expression softened again, and he scooted his chair closer to Gojyo's. "Yeah, I can feel those legs going." Gojyo's breath caught, as Jien's touch turned into a firm hold, like the clap of his brother's hand on his shoulder. He withdrew, and his expression darkened. "Loverboy knows you went through all this."
"He was there-"
"He should fucking know how hard it is for you to even think about having another baby, let alone asking him for one. Lose Loverboy." Jien sat back, folded his arms, and scowled. "If he'd reject you, reject his own flesh and blood outright, he ain't worth your time."
"B-but-" Gojyo swallowed. "He didn't reject her, he just said I was stupid for wanting her-"
"Did he even ask why you brought it up?" Gojyo stiffened, and Jien took his silence as a 'no.' "No compromise. Total dick. Lose him. Your kids don't need him."
"He needs them. He loves them. He loves me." Gojyo pulled his knees up onto his lap, and his voice dropped to a whisper again. "Jien, there's nightmares when he's not around. I wake up sweating and screaming, or I don't sleep at all." Jien took this in, and groaned.
"You're in a fix, huh?" He ran his hand down over his face. "You've tried to get rid of him, haven't you?" This time, Gojyo's lack of response was a 'yes.' "But you don't want to get rejected, and you know you'll have to lie to him until the day he dies if you don't tell him. Bro, I don't know what to tell you. It's your life, you have to make this decision." Gojyo nodded, and Jien sat back in his chair. "Look, here's my question- you're goin' into the last part of this. You're about to gain a heap of weight- or at least, I really hope you are. I mean, we're talking a kilo every two weeks, right?" Gojyo swallowed- he didn't know if he could gain enough weight. He couldn't imagine putting that much into himself. Jien continued, "You've only got a little belly now, but it's gonna grow. She's gonna grow. You're not going to be able to hide this from him all that much longer. Bro, you can't just tell him you're getting fat." This time, Jien's hand landed on his cheek. Gojyo didn't feel the urge to scream, not even a little, as Jien patted his face. "You don't look fat. Don't feel fat. I'm pretty sure if you didn't have a baby in you, you'd be losing weight. Just like when you had the boys." Gojyo winced, but Jien sat back again. "Bottom line- you're gonna look like there's a baby in you, and as oblivious as he is, he's gonna get wise. And he's gonna get pissed." His voice dropped an octave on the last word, and Gojyo sighed slowly as he absorbed Jien's point.
"Yeah, I know. But shit. You're right." He gave the small swell under his shirt a brief rub, and received a kick in response. "I guess I'll figure something out."
"Bro, what if you do get the baby past him the next few months, but you find out you can't lie to him forever?" Jien folded his arms, as Gojyo slouched again. It hurt to ask the hard questions, but someone had to give Gojyo a little guidance and he didn't see anyone else stepping up. "What if he finds out your buddy's little bundle of joy is half-his?"
"I dunno."
"Worse, what if you do convince him that Hakkai's new baby is his- but he figures out she's yours, too? What do you think is going to go down if he figures you slept with Hakkai?"
"Fuck off, I'd never do that!" Gojyo slammed his fist on the table. "I'd never-!" His fist, arm, and shoulder shook. Blood rushed up to his cheeks. "Never-!"
"Calm down." Jien uncrossed his arms and leaned forward. "Calm down, bro, freakin' out is bad for the baby. I get it." He sighed, and the color drained from Gojyo's cheeks. His hand dropped back down to his leg. "Point is, you felt the need to tell me. You need to tell him. You can probably still make excuses- say you didn't notice until now, say it was a mistake, tell him you couldn't have possibly known until she started moving. You let this go much further, you're not gonna have much recourse." Gojyo had stilled, head hung, and Jien grabbed his shoulder. "If you can tell me, trust me over him, then there is something wrong with whatever you two got together. You gotta face this. If he leaves you, that's his loss."
"I know." Gojyo shrugged Jien off, and Jien let his hands fall to his sides with obvious disappointment.
"You ain't gonna do it."
"I ought'a warn you. S'mostly why I wanted to talk to you anyway." He lifted his head, dismissing Jien's scold with no more than a nod. "The regional lord, Akio?" He picked up his empty bowl and Jien's and shoved them deep into the recycling bin. "He says if I don't stop foolin' around with Sanzo, he's going to ruin my world. This probably includes my family, my house, my job, and everyone I give a shit about. And the man has ways of knowing shit." He cast a sidelong glance at Jien. "I thought it was freaky weird he knew Hakkai's old name, but I'm guessing he's got people who can do that kind of shit, so he'll probably find out about you. If you're sick of me, then you ain't got a better time or excuse to get away. Get out now." He smiled wryly. "You just might save yourself a whole heap of trouble."
"Hah. I love trouble. I love you, don't I?" Jien rose and ruffled Gojyo's hair. "I ain't here to judge you, and I sure as hell ain't here just to walk away. I ain't gonna travel far the next few months. Give me a shout next time you get hungry. I'll totally stock you up next time, I don't care what Hakkai says." He gave Gojyo's head a gentle squeeze, and offered a roguish grin. "I'm here for you. You just make sure my next niece or nephew comes out as healthy as the first two, you hear?" Jien didn't know what to expect, but a full-on bear hug was probably the last thing he had in mind.
"Thanks, bro," he mumbled against Jien's shoulder, and Jien returned his hug. Between trusting him with his secrets and trusting him with physical contact, he was sure that this was the closest the two of them had been in nearly twenty years. He wasn't going to squander it.
When Jien was gone, Gojyo was alone with a thankfully full stomach, but the hollow in his head had only more questions. One thing, though, stood out as a definite.
Hakkai was awoken by a few sharp taps to his bedroom door. He slept with his ears and eyes open as it was, so it took little to rouse him. There was a touch of light through the window on the wall opposite his bed, but it was at least an hour before dawn in earnest. He didn't mind; he was an early riser as it was, so he didn't mind springing from his bed to the door and opening up. He was not surprised, either, to find Gojyo slumped against the outer frame of the door, elbow planted beside his head and hand hanging languidly against the door. He was clearly attempting to look like this was just a casual visit, but it wasn't working. He dropped his hand and lifted his eyes. "Yo. Can I ask a favor?"
"Anything you like." Hakkai smiled, already awake and very much genuine in his offer. "Come in, I'll put on tea."
Gojyo hadn't been in Hakkai's room in all the years the two had lived in this house. It wasn't that it was off-limits, as Gojyo was sure he wouldn't be unwelcome if he'd gone in for any reason, with or without permission. He just had no reason to go in, and Hakkai deserved at least a modicum of his own space with nobody else in it. No squalling children, no best buddy pestering him, and if he brought a lady home, he wouldn't have to parade her past the rest of the household. He wasn't certain what to expect, but he wasn't all that surprised to see the interior was what it was. Hakkai's room was as big as the shop above, deep, with a solid wood floor and clean, beige walls with ivy-stained wainscoting. The pale pre-dawn light illuminated the entire room in thin sheets of pastel light, very much like the misty blue of a forest on a cool spring morning. Shadowboxes of pressed, dried herbs and flowers against yellowing parchment adorned the walls, but no photographs. There was a large, deep green area rug under the queen bed, unmade as Hakkai had clearly only just rolled out of it, dressed with tan and forest-green bedding and lots of fluffy pillows, more than an ostensibly heterosexual man would usually equip himself with. He made use of the extra space, with a plush loveseat adorned with, again, way too many cushions and a glass-topped coffee table, currently decorated with a basket of yarn with needles and hooks of various diameters sticking out of the yarn balls like pincushions. Hakuryu was curled up, nose under tail, on a cat bed placed on top of a record cabinet under one of the long, slim windows that bordered the front and side walls of the room, and any spare wall space was covered in bookshelves that were full to bursting. There was a pile of books that simply had nowhere to go, and Gojyo quietly wondered what he would start doing with those when he got more books, as he was sure he would. Gojyo had expected him to go up to the kitchen for tea, but there was a hot plate on one of the lower cabinets, with a kettle that Hakkai took up and filled from the bathroom tap, smiling at Gojyo as he brushed past him. "Do make yourself at home." He shut the door behind him upon his return, and Gojyo took the opportunity to toss most of the pillows off of the loveseat, but for one, which he placed under his back.
"Cozy little setup you got, bro." He settled himself on the couch, and Hakkai set the kettle on the hot plate and took two mugs out of the record cabinet. Gojyo couldn't help but feel the cabinet wasted for storing dishes- he could put a shitload of tapes in there, not to mention a bitching nice stereo. "I never thought of putting a couch in my room."
"Ah, well, one shouldn't read in bed, you see." Hakkai smiled blithely as he selected two teabags and set them in the mugs. "The bed is chiefly for sleeping, and perhaps one or two other chores, but really, just sleeping."
"Right." Gojyo smirked; he wondered if Hakkai took care of those "one or two other chores" on the loveseat sometimes, too. He hated where his mind went sometimes; always somewhere between sick and funny. No time to wonder. Hakkai was looking at him expectantly, and he sighed and laced his fingers behind his head. "I... I'm kinda worried. 'Bout the baby, and all. I..." He swallowed. "I'm feel like I'm not gaining a lot of weight, even though I'm looking a little bigger. I wanna be sure she's okay in there. Could you-?"
Gojyo didn't have to finish the question, and Hakkai's hands were on his sides. He let his eyes slip shut as the soothing sensation of Hakkai's chi soaking through him, like rain sinking into a mossy forest floor. He mused, momentarily, on why he'd been so reluctant to allow Hakkai this access before. Probably just another way of avoiding reality. He let a slow exhale slip, as Hakkai's chi sunk in deeper. Gojyo could nearly imagine the vines that wrapped his skin surrounding him, pulling him into their embrace. Hakkai's soul was close to his to the point where he felt he might as well have been naked. It was, for lack of a better word, intense. There was a physical and emotional loss when Hakkai withdrew, and Gojyo opened his eyes to find Hakkai's had been shut as well. He took a careful breath, and exhaled very, very gradually, tacitly counting to ten on his fingers, before looking up at Gojyo with his practiced mask back in place.
"I'm sorry. I may have been a touch eager." He set his hands on his knees with a slight tremor. "Would you mind stepping on the bathroom scale?"
Gojyo hadn't known Hakkai had a scale. He would have asked to use it during the winter that he spent on minimal sustenance, but in hindsight, it probably would have only added to his anxiety. He could see the readout, and Hakkai frowned at it. "Erm, when is the last time you weighed yourself?"
"Eh, been a while. I guess when we hit the public bathhouses during the summer." Gojyo set a hand on his lower back. "Last I checked, I was holding steady around seventy-five-"
"You've gained four kilograms."
"S'about the size of it." Gojyo shrugged and stepped down, and Hakkai's frown deepened.
"The normal, healthy range is five to seven for where you are." Gojyo flinched like he'd had the wind knocked out of him, and opened his mouth to ask something, but Hakkai held a hand up to halt him. He gestured for Gojyo to return to his room, glancing at the door to Ryuichi's room all the while. He closed the bedroom door behind them, pulled the teabags from the mugs and returned to the loveseat with Gojyo.
"What's wrong with me, Kai?" He set his hands on his front and pressed in. "I'm eating. I'm only throwing up in the mornings. I'm not exercising too much. It's not like I'm trying not to take care of her." He bit his lip- he hadn't meant to whine. Hearing himself like this was making him sick to his stomach, and Hakkai seemed to know and press the mug into his hands. He took a sip and hissed- it was still way too hot- but looked at Hakkai and spoke again, calmer, "What did you find when you read her chi?"
"Her growth is..." He paused, searching for words. "It is stunted, but not by much. It's very hard to gauge- after all, I couldn't even perceive that you were carrying twins before!- but it just seems like there's not enough of her." He shook his head as Gojyo opened his mouth. "It's not something you can't fix, and it may just be a slight delay. Every baby is different." He was talking faster, but there was no eye contact, and he seemed much more interested in his reflection in his tea than anything else. "Besides, though you know your last encounter was June the fifth into the sixth, you may not have conceived her for up to three days after that. Three days can make a difference, you know."
"I guess." Gojyo gripped his mug with his fingertips. "So, uh, what can I do? What's the problem?"
"If I had to hazard a guess, it's stress." Hakkai made his eyes meet Gojyo's. "You work so hard, and you're very tightly wound. Your personal struggles are also putting a great strain on you. If you could find some resolution..." He trailed off, and his hand slipped over to Gojyo's wrist. "If you need support, I'm here for you. Please, think of what's best for everyone involved." He withdrew before Gojyo could even whisper a protest, and opened up a window. He spoke with all the clinical detachment of a doctor; still cheerful, but putting distance between he and Gojyo like one would do with an unpredictable animal: "I'd like you to let me examine you once weekly. I'd like to weigh you, too. If you don't want this, I can't force you, but I'd recommend it."
"If I feel like it." Gojyo pulled his knees up under him. "I... I dunno what to do." He felt Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, felt the distance close again.
"Go with your gut. It's what you're best at." He squeezed, and Gojyo tilted his head back to look up to him. Hakkai smiled, one of his soft-eyed, real smiles. His natural eye looked deeper green in morning light. "You're a creature of feelings. I'm sure you have quite a few. Listen to them." He then patted Gojyo's back. "Go on back to bed. We've got at least an hour before we have to be up, and I'll even let you sleep in late. I can take care of the boys."
"Sorry, but my boys get me every morning, no exceptions, no excuses short of a fuckin' heart attack." Gojyo slid off the slick linen cushion and rocked to a stand- even if it wasn't enough, four kilos took adjustment when it all sat at the center of his frame. "I ain't gettin' to sleep. I'm just gonna get a head start on work, and maybe catch a nap after lunch." He tucked his hands in his pockets. "Thanks, man." He could feel Hakkai's disapproving gaze on his back, but pushed it off.
It didn't change that the flower wasn't growing as fast as it could or should, and he didn't know how best to nurture his little seed. Maybe it's just not your growing season, baby. Maybe the problem- the real problem- is that he couldn't water her in the way she needed.
Even with all he'd gone through, Sanzo hadn't noticed, or hadn't said anything, or shown any worry at all. He'd been there every night, and while Gojyo hadn't been able to tell him anything, shouldn't he have been able to tell something was wrong? Maybe I deserve this. He'd give a fuck about me if I deserved it. He wanted to listen to his feelings- Hakkai was right, he had them. He had lots of them. He had far, far too many. He didn't know which one to listen to. He so badly wished an answer would just fall into his lap through the storm of his heart, but it just wouldn't happen. He knew he was only going deeper day by day, the flower ever growing, and like with all things, there was no way back.
End Notes: Sorry guys, but there's no payout on those bets. I could use a spot of advice, though, or at least your opinions. I've got the next chapter mostly finished, but it's turned out enormous. I worry that sometimes, with my tendency to ramble, I'm giving you guys a wall of text to go through, and I'd hate for you all to be daunted. Unfortunately, because my new job is really eating my time, I'm not going to break it into two and post them two weeks in a row. However, if a great big chapter sounds unappealing, I'm not opposed to breaking it in half and just making it two chapters posted on the normal schedule. If the next chapter breaks 15000 words, would you all prefer two chapters, or are you brave enough to face the beast?
The next chapter's going to take a little bravery no matter what I do, but let me know your thoughts! And do share your thoughts on this chapter as well.