Akio woke up 15 minutes later lying on his bed with Michiko sitting next to him. The feeling of disorientation faded quickly into shame as the realisation of what had happened hit him. Akio looked up at Michiko's face. She was, thankfully, wearing one of her loose dresses but she seemed a lot more grumpy and put out.

Akio looked away. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I pushed you too hard." Michiko paused for a moment. "I'm sorry."

Akio's eyes snapped back to her, aghast. Michiko never apologised for anything she did. "What?"

Michiko reached down and stroked his hair. For a moment, Akio thought she might be an imposter. He'd always been jealous of the copious amount of affection she rained down on Itachi and Gaara but had never gathered the courage to ask her about it. God, he really was pathetic.

"Akio, I don't have that much time in this world."

"What do you mean? Is there something wrong with you? Are you- are you really sick?"

"You know the stories of ninja who've met the shinigami and came back changed? I… had an experience like that. Many experiences like that. My chakra is different from anything out there. That's how I'm able to casually use Nara suicide jutsu everyday. But my chakra is so drastic that my body doesn't recognise it as its own. That's why I'm so weak. I don't have natural chakra enhancements. If not for the amount of knowledge and experience I have backing me, I would never make it as a ninja."

"But why does that mean you'll die?"

"My immune system is trash. Any clan child would be able to shake something like this off. On the bad days, my body sometimes rejects my own chakra and tries to shut it off. One day, it will succeed and if my chakra gets shut off for a couple of minutes, I die."

"But is there any cure? I don't see you taking medicine and you fight just fine!"

"My chakra itself is the 'disease'. The body and the mind are meant to work as one to produce chakra. There is always some sort of balance between them or you won't be alive. I've had a few specialists poke at me but they seem to think that my yin-yang imbalance comes from my mind outstripping my body. It's not an uncommon condition amongst young ninja, though it's rare for it to be as bad as mine. They think it'll be resolved with training and time. It has only gotten worse. If they reexamined me now, they might suspect that I stole this body. I can't afford that."

"But why would they-" Akio felt a jolt of shock pulse in his brain. The feeling of cold realisation travelled down through his body. It would make too much sense. It would explain everything Michiko was, everything she did and everything she'd said. But almost as soon as the realisation happened, he was struck by the ludicrousness of it. Body switching? It couldn't be, right?

Michiko looked down at him with utter seriousness. "As you may imagine, their suspicions would raise issues. I don't want a Yamanaka in my head. You must never tell this to anyone on the pain of death. I have enough plans to be executed for treason."

"I- of course. But you're not really like that. Right?"

"Not really. I'll tell you someday. When I've got an airtight mind seal and if you're willing to take a suicide seal. But you see why you'd have to find someone else. I cannot be by your side forever. I will die well before you. You'll have Ayano but she's going to settle down as well. You have to have someone else, Akio. Other than Ayano and me, you have no one to rely on when I'm gone."

"How much time do we have?"

"I'd usually say 35-40 but with this body? It'd be a miracle if I make it to 30."

Akio suddenly recalled all the times she referred to her body as 'this body' and the unease at the back of his throat thickened. "Is there really no way?"

"None that wouldn't take too much time. I have 30 years to get the five great nations to submit to a higher authority and I've used 13 up. I don't have much time."

"Is that why you don't take care of yourself?"

Michiko shrugged. "There isn't much point. I'll be dead before the repercussions hit me. I got sick mainly because of my chakra situation, not the stress. It doesn't matter how careful I am, I'm going to continue being sick. In five years, I'll start to feel sick all the time and working through it is just the normal thing to do."

Sick all the time? Yesterday, Michiko couldn't even think straight! "Then there's all the more reason for me to stay! If I find another girl, I wouldn't have enough time to make sure you don't invite random guys to touch your boobs!"

"It was a rational decision. You aren't a 'random guy'. I was never in any danger."

"Still, I think you should act a bit more like a girl." Half a second later, Akio's brain caught up with his mouth and he instantly rewound. "I didn't mean it like that! I just meant- you know…"

"That I should have some sense of shame and modesty?"

"Yes! That!"

Michiko sighed. "Those traits are worthless to me. Akio, I am the way I am because it is what this world demands of me and even then, it is not enough. I am weak and ignorant to too many things, never more so than now. It's not as if I looked into the mirror one day and decided this is who I want to be. I need to be like this or I will die. Do you understand?"

"... No. Yes but no, not really."

"Good. You shouldn't be able to."

The two of them stayed like that for a while with Michiko stroking Akio's hair as he struggled to come up with something to say. He'd always admired Michiko's will but nowadays, it was nothing short of frustrating. Unless he could give a good logical argument, she would not bend and everything she did was based on those broken values. And Akio couldn't argue with those broken values because more than anything, he realised that they were there to protect her. That her deep-seated beliefs were rooted in experience. Akio knew she had seen much more of the world than he had and she had to have been hurt many, many times to shape her into the person she was today. She was utterly convinced that the world was a cold and cruel place and that everything she did wasn't paranoia but necessity. She couldn't change unless… unless…

She wouldn't change unless the world changed.

The epiphany struck Akio with a resonance that sent him into cold shock, incredulity and hysteria as a burst of laughter choked him. Michiko looked down at him questioningly.

Akio coughed. "'I can't change so I'll change the world?'"

Michiko smiled. "I am not insane. This world is."

They laid there with Michiko sliding down into the sheets and joining him as he digested the news. Akio was proud to say that his dick mostly kept quiet despite being pressed up against Michiko who clearly wasn't wearing any underwear. The knowledge that Michiko was terminally ill probably had something to do with it.

The doorbell rang a few hours later. There was the unmistakable chakra of the jinchuuriki escorted by ANBU. Akio reluctantly got out of the bed and shuffled to the door to open it.

"What's the deal this time?"

ANBU Crocodile, who was part of Gaara's protection detail, replied in his usual bland voice. "The jinchuuriki has been emitting volatile chakra spasms, causing heavy distress to the ninja population. We believe his concern for Nara Michiko is the root of this. The Kazekage would like the both of them to stay together under surveillance."

Michiko walked up to the door. Gaara's face lit up and he tried to run over to her but the ANBU placed a light hand on his shoulder. Gaara pouted and pushed forward, the ANBU's hand sliding off the sand barrier Gaara had on his shoulder.

Gaara pounced onto Michiko. "Kaa-chan!"

Michiko wrapped her arms around Gaara and they shared a brief hug. "Gaara."

"Are you okay? I'm sure Shukaku will heal you up!" Gaara's face twisted into an obstinate frown. "Why not?" Gaara's face darkened. "Don't say that about kaa-chan!" Gaara glared. "Kaa-chan does not smell like a corpse!"

Michiko interrupted Gaara's conversation with the bijuu. "It's okay. I'll be alright within the week."

"Really? But Shukaku could make it go faster!"

"If Shukaku doesn't want to then there's no point in forcing him. His chakra may be good for you but not on other people."

"Why?"

"Because you're used to it. His chakra is actually pretty dangerous to other people."

"Oh."

The ANBU interjected. "The Kazekage would like you to stay by the jinchuuriki under surveillance. We ask for your cooperation."

"'Under surveillance'? What do you have in mind?"

"A unit will be within your quarters." Akio snorted. And let the ANBU within her quarters to sabotage things? That was stupid.

Michiko smiled. "I'm willing to go over to Kazekage Residence. Does the Kazekage really not mind me taking a day off?"

"Kazekage-sama is pleased with your progress and has been made aware of your previous working hours. He has deemed that your overtime compensates your sick leave. That being said, he asks that you keep such incidents to a minimum."

"Duly noted. I shall be in tomorrow."

Akio frowned at the news. "But you promised."

"Akio, I don't have time to sit around. Being sick is no big deal."

Akio couldn't think of anything to say to that. Michiko couldn't think properly yesterday and the prospect of a perpetually half delusional Michiko was terrifying. This was just a small taste. If Michiko would have to regularly work through insane fevers then Akio would just have to step up his game if he couldn't change Michiko's.

"Fine but I'll feed you and… bathe you."

Michiko smiled. "Perfect. Now let's get going."

Temari returned home from the academy with Kankurou and a maid informed them that they had the visitor she'd been seeking for the last month. Kankurou opened his mouth to comment but Temari hushed him. This was a prime opportunity to observe what the Konoha kunoichi was doing firsthand and Kankurou was not ruining it.

The kunoichi was in their private indoor training ground with Gaara. She sat beside him, observing his practice. ANBU guards were stationed around the area and Temari was sure that there were more hidden away. There were three masks Temari was unfamiliar with so they probably weren't part of the Kazekage's family's protection detail. Were Gaara's temper tantrums so bad that they warranted an extra squad?

Nara Michiko noticed them immediately and she looked towards them with a pleasant smile on her face. "You must be Gaara's siblings. I am Nara Michiko."

Temari knew she knew who they were but pleasantries must be upheld. "That's right. I am Temari and this is my younger brother, Kankurou. It's nice to meet you. I didn't know you were friends with Gaara."

Michiko gave a snort at the blatant lie. "We met on the streets. He's a cuddly bundle of sunshine with all the fluffy ferocity of a panda packed into a cute, chubby little package. We hit off pretty easily."

"'Cuddly bundle of sunshine'?" Kankurou blurted out. "Do you know-"

"So are you part of the relief team?" Temari cut Kankurou off, sending him a warning glare. Kankurou shrank back.

Michiko politely pretended she didn't notice it. "Yes."

"So what do you do?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you."

"I see. What's your specialty?" Nara Michiko wasn't listed in the bingo book and no one with real information seemed to want to talk about her. It was unlikely that Michiko would give anything away but no venture, no gain. Since she was the Kazekage's daughter, Michiko was forced to make small talk with her.

"Fuuinjutsu."

Temari had expected Michiko to dance around by saying water jutsu or her clan jutsu but it seemed like Michiko wasn't interested in wasting time either. "That's a rare discipline. Suna doesn't have much use for it."

Michiko laughed. "I disagree but perhaps I'm too used to being under well-constructed barriers." Michiko turned towards Gaara, pretending she hadn't slighted Suna's defenses. "You little brother is talented. So are you, from what I can gather."

"No weaklings make it through Suna's program."

Michiko looked delighted rather than offended. "You're such a sweet person to talk to. I really should spend more time around you."

Temari couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not but she knew intuitively that it didn't mean anything good. "I'm quite busy training and I'm sure you're busy with missions. Maybe when we both have time."

"Well then that's perfect. You can train with Gaara. He's quite strong."

Temari glanced over at Gaara with ill-concealed unease. It was clear that he was aware of their presence as his sand attacks had decreased in power. He had retreated further into the training ground as if to avoid them. "Gaara is young. He's not very good at control. It wouldn't do for either of us to get hurt."

Michiko's delighted smile warped slightly as an edge of hysteria creeped it. "Well that's what you're here for, isn't it? Sparing is a great way to learn from each other. How much danger can you be in with two squads of ANBU around all the time?"

Michiko got up and walked towards Gaara. Seeing her approach, Gaara paused in his training.

"Gaara, let's spar."

Surprisingly, Gaara didn't hesitate in nodding. A glance around the room showed that none of the ANBU were moving to stop her, meaning that the bijuu was in no danger of bursting out. This did nothing to sooth Kankurou who was getting more twitchy by the second.

"I'm-I'm just going to go take a shower." Kankurou said before he quickly retreated. Temari considered it for a second and decided to stay. Michiko obviously had a hand in Gaara's recent stabilisation. It was probably best to observe how Gaara was while there were at least three squads of ANBU in the room.

Gaara's increase in control was immediately apparent from the first attack. Instead of a huge loose wave, he sent out a sharp spear and used the speed to increase his power. Michiko prodded at Gaara's defenses and they held fast. Being able to concentrate on offensive and defensive at the same time was a great boon but after a while, it was clear that Gaara's limit was three spears. Any more and his sand barrier returned to automatic mode or his spears decreased in power. Strangely, Gaara's auto defensive sand barrier seemed to react faster and stronger. With that proof, there was no longer any doubt that they were fiddling with Gaara's seal. Chances were that Nara Michiko was involved.

Temari watched for 15 minutes and concluded that if not for Gaara's auto defenses and crazy stamina, she would be a match for him.

Michiko ended their spar and patted Gaara on the head, making some comments on his techniques. The look Gaara gave her was similar to the look he gave Yashamaru: adoring and completely trusting. Her father was playing a dangerous move by relying on Konoha. Even if they didn't have much of a choice with the village in shambles. Konoha was doing everything it could to suck all benefits from Suna, knowing that Suna had to rely on them to survive. They'd already had to give up huge amounts of gold, land and jutsu for Konoha's aid.

Gaara returned to training while Michiko walked back to Temari. She didn't look the least bit exhausted, meaning she must be at least top C-class. Temari had heard of her exploits during the exams so it was likely she was on her way to jounin level. All of Konoha's elite ninja got away with being criminally insane so the top brass probably saw potential in her becoming one of them.

The idea of having one of Konoha's loons around Gaara didn't sit well with Temari at all. Konoha's defection rates were low but when they did, their ninja always liked to make a gruesome statement. Michiko seemed like she could be one of those rare cases.

But Temari didn't have any power to change the situation. Besides, Michiko was already 13 and had only been involved in one massacre which was completely legal and served Konoha's agenda. Michiko didn't seem particularly sadistic and Nara were famed for their logic. Temari didn't have any friends in Konoha and it would be incredibly useful to make nice while Michiko was still rising through the ranks. If nothing else, Michiko had influence over the Nara clan which held major sway over village matters ever since the Shodaime Hokage's reign.

"What do you think?" Michiko asked.

"You're pretty good."

Michiko smiled. "I aim for excellence in most matters."

"Go big or go home?"

"No. Go big or die in a ditch."

"Sounds like something Suna could use."

Michiko laughed. "But of course. That's why I'm here after all. Suna really should have more people like you. It'd be an interesting flavour."

"Suna's not to your liking?"

"I'm used to having a blinding array of colours surrounding me."

"Is Konoha really the capital of diversity? I've never visited."

Michiko snorted. "Oh, you'll meet many big personalities alright. I'm sure we have every hair colour available, though Kiri definitely takes the cake in terms of skin colour. Every village has its own coat of paint."

"It's politics no matter where you go."

"Of course. Just by being a Konoha ninja, you have village politics, clan politics and team politics."

"We got rid of one of that. I'd say we're better off without that time wasted."

Michiko smiled. "No, you didn't. You merely pushed clan politics to the background and made village politics everything. You're in running for Kazekage, aren't you?"

Temari shrugged. "I suppose. You can't escape family."

"Such is life's lottery. What prize do you think you've won?"

"It's a little too early to tell."

The door opened. Temari turned to see Michiko's assistant in an apron.

"Lunch is ready." He announced. "I made enough for everyone."

Gaara paused in his training and the ANBU stationed in the training ground moved towards the door. Michiko looked to Temari. "Shall we eat?"

Temari nodded and all of them walked to the dining hall. The long table was already set with a bowl of spicy miso ramen on each placemat and two dozen bowls were placed on a tray at the end of the table together with a cup full of chopsticks. There were enough bowls for the ANBU in the room as well as the ones in the shadows and probably even the maids standing in the corner.

Michiko, Akio, Gaara, Temari and all three of the unfamiliar ANBU took a seat. In the time it took for them to say 'ittadakimasu' and pick up their chopsticks, half the bowls on the tray vanished along with chopsticks.

Temari blew her noodles before slurping it up. She immediately coughed it out in surprise. It wasn't a seafood spicy miso ramen like she'd thought it was. She'd never tasted something like this before but god was it spicy!

"What is this?" Temari exclaimed, trying not to sound too rude.

"Laksa." Michiko replied. "Is it not to your liking?"

"It's way too spicy."

Michiko blinked. "This laksa doesn't have much chili in it but I suppose it's hard to find someone who can enjoy spice as I do."

"You like spicy foods?"

"I like a little spice every now and then." Michiko said as she dump a whole saucerful of sliced chilis into her laksa.

Temari fanned her mouth but the heat didn't stop. "I've never since any dump the whole bowl of chili into their noodles. I'm pretty sure that's not just a little spice."

"It might seem like a lot but there are really few hot spices here and the ones that I can find just don't have enough kick. This is really weak chili."

Akio interjected. "It's the strongest one in the Suna market, Michiko-chan. Your tolerance is through the roof."

"I'm not particularly great at tolerating spice. Everyone else in this world is just bad."

Temari stared at Michiko. "Then doesn't that make you good?"

Michiko shrugged. "I don't use world-class standards. I use my own."

Temari stood up. "To each his own. I'll ask for water."

"Water will make it worse." Michiko advised. "Get milk."

"Okay."

Temari glanced back at one of the maids and she walked swiftly to the kitchen, returning with a large glass of milk. Temari downed it. As she waited for the burn to subside, she wondered if she should finish the noodles. She didn't want to get the person who was messing with her brother's seal mad. Plus, she was a kunoichi. All the ANBU had no reactions. She could tough it out.

By the time Temari recovered from her first bite, the number of bowls left on the tray had halved and Michiko started chatting with the ANBU about cooking.

"-but it's really hard to get shrimp out here." ANBU Crab said.

"You can use shrimp paste. I'm sure Autumn Artisan has a restaurant here that serves laksa. You can track down how they get their ingredients."

"Did you sell the recipe to them?" asked ANBU… Beaver? Pig? Rat?

"I've cooked with the Akimichi and the head of Autumn Artisan is one."

"You have more up for sleeve. You could make a killing." Temari couldn't figure out what this one's mask was. Was it a stingray?

Michiko smiled. "I will when I need to money." She turned to Temari. "There's no need to force yourself. Alaskan Snow Crab-san, Naked Mole Rat-san and Planarian-san like the laksa very much. I'm sure your chef can cook something you like better."

"... What's a Planarian?"

"A type of flatworm."

"..."

Michiko shrugged. "They had to run out of animal names sometime. Which means they have to expand their scope or get very specific. The last of my ANBU guards is a Teacup Peke-faced Himalayan Persian Kitten. Apparently teacup cat breeds aren't well-liked amongst the ANBU so we just call him Little Teacup. He's a really sweet guy even if he did destroy a batch of my ink due to carelessness. He's up in the shadows somewhere. He's a little shy but he just needs his time. He'll come down when he's ready."

Temari couldn't tell if Michiko was joking so she ignored the last few bits. "Has it really gotten that bad?"

"Probably not, but it's a bit of a problem if you can tell when an agent entered ANBU just by how uncommon and specific their codename is. I think it's a preemptive measure."

"I see." Michiko's casual relationship with her ANBU guard raised red flags. The fact that she even had an ANBU guard spoke volumes. She wasn't just a person involved with Gaara's seal, she was a major player and she'd been one for long enough to have gotten comfortable with the ANBU. Not only that, but the ANBU were receptive to getting acquainted, even if it was on a superficial level. This meant that it was going to be a long-term thing. Suna really was desperate if they had to place one of their biggest weapons in the hands of an untested Konoha nutcase.

Michiko was here to stay and Temari couldn't change that. Yes, it was best to make friends while she could. She would make nice, for now. When she came to power, people like Michiko would be simple to deal with.

Ryosei had been temporarily reassigned to Katashi's project for the day and had been hoping that it would stay that way for the next week. Alas, they were dealing with the Queen of Hardasses, long may she reign. A day off after four months of 20 hour shifts was apparently enough for her.

Ryosei had a little drink in light of this after everyone had gone home. Unfortunately, Ryosei was new to this whole 'self-moderation' thing and may have gotten just a little bit more tipsy than was perhaps appropriate.

As per his amazingly clear judgement, he decided to enter the fuuinjutsu research lab that was personalised to the point of being Michiko's baby. He wasn't quite sure why he decided to enter but it'd just popped into his mind and wasn't there some beer in the mini fridge?

Ryosei walked unsteadily to the fridge, nearly tripping over a stray chair. He opened and rummaged through the fridge. He couldn't find any beer but the sight of a bottle of ginger ale made him forgot the beer in favour of it.

He dragged one of the chairs over to the wall and sat on it. He didn't have a bottle opener and instead of getting up to find one, Ryosei decided to bend the metal cap off the glass bottle. It was common practice and Ryosei had done it many times. But he'd never bothered to test his abilities under motor-impairing conditions and thus miscalculated his strength.

The bottle cracked and burst, sending glass shards and ginger ale everywhere. Ryosei immediately dropped the bottle. In his drunken haze, he hadn't realised that he was sitting next to Michiko's beloved calculator and- wait, hadn't Katashi said to never touch it and that it was really expensive. Like millions of ryo expensive?

The possibility of going bankrupt was enough to sober Ryosei a little and he moved to clean up the mess, grabbing tissues and a bucket of soapy water from the toilet down the hall. The glass had scratched and dented the calculator a little and the ginger ale had seeped into the bottom. Ryosei used a small earth jutsu, trying his best to manipulate the metal back to its original shape. It worked somewhat and the dents and scratches weren't visible anymore, though they still could be felt. He could do a better job but Ryosei didn't want to risk it while he was still under alcohol.

The ale was the next problem and while he could clean the outside, the ale had gotten into the cracks between the calculator's part. There weren't any screws or anything and Ryosei couldn't do the water release so he just splashed water onto it in hopes that he could get those droplets out. It worked somewhat but the ale had already gotten inside the machine and he could smell it.

Ryosei didn't know how to open it so he created a small hole in the metal with an earth jutsu and dumped water into the calculator and used tissues to soak off the access. By the time he was done, he'd managed to get all the ginger ale smell out. The inner wires, weird fiddly plates and other computer electric stuff were soaked in water but he couldn't exactly clean all that. It was just water and no one would look in there. It'd evaporate soon enough.

Satisfied with his cleanup job, Ryosei left to go to bed for the night. Tomorrow was going to be long but whatever.

*Author's Note:

I'm feeling a little bored and cluttered so I've been dumping all my little story ideas into the last few chapters while giving enough plot for the main story. I like poking fun at dumb things. This story is essentially a giant dark parody.

Can you give me some ideas of what to make fun of? Stuff that you find stupid and irritating.

For example,

Weirdly commonly accepted stuff. (accidental boob grabbing, orgasmic food, girl doesn't get arrested for swinging a guy around and flinging him against a wall)

Character tropes. (Chosen ones, unnecessarily tragic backstory that doesn't negatively affect MC but is just there for pity points, strong female character that gets kidnapped and defeated regularly)

Strange genre conventions. (the detective always has the exact amount of information to solve the case and somehow ends up in a mystery everywhere he goes, harem protagonists are indecisive/conservative virgins who never get creeped out or get restraining orders when every eligible girl they meet throws themselves at him)

Nonsensical character gimmicks and Naruto plot holes. (Jiraiya doesn't get arrested or ostracised by more upstanding ninja for his well-known and even iconic invasions of privacy. Everyone's understanding of Kakashi's hang ups and the higher ups don't even reprimand him. No one thought that mistreating Naruto, who houses a monster powerful enough to decimate half of Konoha and is the only Uzumaki in Konoha, was a bad idea and that they should probably ensure his loyalty and train him. No one thought to send Sasuke to the Yamanaka for brainwashing even after the last Uchiha displayed multiple signs of disloyalty and a willingness to turn traitor for his own goals.)

Contradictory reactions. (A guy with two girls is lucky and a girl with two guys is a slut, people complain that characters don't truly die often but when they do die the fans bash the author and demand the character returns, hipsters complaining that something isn't popular and turning their back on it when it becomes popular)

Stuff like that. It doesn't have to be anime or manga, it can be films, books, games and the like. It can be normal stupid everyday stuff you hate. Hating something is often more or as engaging as loving something. Let us all unite together with laughter, solidarity and a combined hate towards idiots while assuring ourselves that we are definitely not part of the uncool group.

If you don't want to review, you can send a PM. I reply to all reviews and PMs generally just before I post a chapter. I'm also curious as to how many people read the author's notes.