Chapter 37 – DANG! His Eyebrows Are HUGE!
This is actually an idea I've had for a while. It might become the first chapter in this full-length story I'm planning…dunno.
"Cuthbert, honestly, you've been teaching since the Founders were here. I think it's time…" Professor Albus I-Have-Too-Many-Damn-Names Dumbledore said kindly to the old History Professor.
"Eh?" Cuthbert said confused. "Isn't it only 1165?"
"No, Cuthbert, it's 1995." Dumbledore insisted. "You've taught for almost a thousand years." It was true. Cuthbert Oswald Binns had started teaching at the age of 22, but he had been studying to become the second History Professor of Hogwarts since he was sixteen. He had been one of the first students of Hogwarts. After six years of long studying and tests given by Rowena Ravenclaw, Binns had been teaching ever since. When he was nearing his 200th birthday (give or take a few years), he had died when the staff room caught on fire (the Dark Arts professor – DADA didn't exsist until much later – was experimenting with Floo powder. He scurried off to warn the other professors and students, but forgot about Cuthbert).
"I can't stop teaching! It's my life! Has been for nearly three hundred years!" Binns exclaimed. "I can't stop teaching."
"It's time for you to move onto the next plain, I'm afraid." Dumbledore sighed. "Remember, Death is but the next great adventure."
Binns' ghostly eyes grew wide, "Surely, you aren't going to that…are you?"
"Cuthbert Binns, History of Magic Professor, I hereby release you from you post. Please vacate the building immediately." Dumbledore said, "I'm sorry, my friend." He pulled out an old weathered book and turned to page 394. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis con...potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis congregatio et secta diabolica! Ergo, Draco maledicte et omnis...legio diabolica, adiuramus te! Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis congregatio et secta diabolica! Ergo, Draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica, adiuramus te!" [1]
"NO!" Binns screeched as his ghostly body dissolved into nothing.
Dumbledore hated using that exorcism – it caused them so much pain…but he admitted that there was sometimes that he needed to use them.
He pulled out a sheet of parchment and started to write.
Dear Arthur Kirkland,
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Arthur Kirkland, the personification of the England and the United Kingdom and Ireland, was having a very nice day before the phoenix arrived in his home, exploded, and subsequently ruined his brand new white carpet.
"Can't have anything bloody new these days," Arthur grumbled. Just last week, Alfred had drenched his lovely carpet with those awful sugary drinks of his, which had prompted him to get brand new carpet.
Now he was seeing how much of a mistake that was.
He grabbed the letter that the phoenix had dropped before exploding – in fact, the bird was reforming as he looked at the letter.
"Hogwarts, hm?" He thought. That was Scotland's school, and he admitted that back in 991 when the school was first opened, he was one of the first to be sorted… Ah…Slytherin!
He opened the letter and started reading.
Dear Arthur Kirkland,
This is Professor Albus Dumbledore. I heard about you from previous headmasters and mistresses and was wondering if you would be able to fill in the position of History of Magic. I'm afraid our last one – Cuthbert Binns (I'm sure you remember him; he was a year behind you at school) was recently exorcised.
If you can't fill the position, please correspond to me through Fawkes.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
P.S. I'm sorry about your carpet. Nothing a good 'Scorgify' can't fix though.
"Bloody fool." Arthur muttered as he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled his reply on it. "Of course I'll take the bloody job! Who in this country know History better than I do?"
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"And now, for staff changes!" Dumbledore said from where he stood at the golden podium. "First we have the one you are all expecting – Defense Against the Dark Arts. Will you please welcome, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister Madam Dolores Jane Umbridge?" A few clapped, but other than that, you could hear the crickets chirping.
A few glares from the teachers indicated what they thought of that, and immediately, everyone clapped.
"Now…yes… please welcome back Professor Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, who will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures until our esteemed groundskeeper returns from his study of magical creatures at the beaches of South France!"
A lot more claps resounded the hall. The main contenders were Pavarti Patil, Lavender Brown, and the Slytherins who took CoMC.
"And, at last, but certainly not least, is Professor Arthur Kirkland, who will be overseeing History of Magic!" This immediately got thousands of claps – NOBODY liked Binns, not even the Slytherins. Privately, they all agreed that they didn't care if the teacher was a muggle or not – they just wanted somebody other than Binns. "Alright, settle down." Dumbledore said, letting three sparks fly from his wand. "Professor Cuthbert Binns has sadly passed onto the next plain. Mr. Filch has decreed it to be an exorcism." Dumbledore's eyes didn't hold any of the usual twinkle. "Professor Kirkland has asked to be allowed to say a few words, so here he is."
Everyone clapped.
"Thanks for the applause." The blond haired, green-eyed, twenty-three year old professor said, "As Professor Dumbledore mentioned, I'm your new Professor for History of Magic. I would just like to mention that you won't need your text books, but you will be need a crap ton of ink, quills, and parchment. For all of you who are first years – you guys are lucky. I don't have to cover as much. Same with second and third years. Fourth through seventh years, I have to get you up to speed on anywhere from three to six years and I'm only giving myself three weeks to do so you can focus on your grade level. I suggest that all of you at least skim through your textbooks, as there will be a pre-test." Professor Kirkland said. "Also, for all you blood supremacists who are wondering, I'm a pure-blood, I was in Slytherin, and I love muggleborns. Hate me all you want." He smiled before returning to his seat.
"I think we just met a decent Slytherin." Ron said, almost appalled at the fact.
"Dunno…I think we'll have to wait for the first class to be certain." Harry said. "We should probably study those textbooks tonight…"
"I'm so glad I forced the two of you to bring yours." Hermione sighed happily. "Otherwise, you'd have to wait for the library to have them again."
"True… I'd hate to that." Ron shuddered.
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"Yes!" Hermione said, taking a look at her schedule. "History of Magic – first period!"
Harry and Ron found themselves, for the first time, excited about History of Magic. How was this going to go?
They stepped into the History of Magic classroom and sat down in the same seats they had for years.
"When I call your name, just say 'here' or, if you want to, you can say it in a different language. Though I'd prefer English." Professor Kirkland said at the start of class. "Actually, first rule of History of Magic. Don't speak any French."
Everyone nodded. "Alright, Abbott, Hannah."
"Here."
"Bones, Susan."
"Salve!" the red headed Hufflepuff yelled from her seat.
"Oh…Latin? Very nice. Everyone should practice their Latina. It makes spell casting a whole lot easier." Professor Kirkland. Hermione immediately scribbled a note in her agenda.
"Malfoy, Draco."
"Ici!" Malfoy said smugly.
Professor Kirkland's eye twitched. "Five points from Slytherin, I said No FRENCH!"
Malfoy wasn't looking so smug afterwords.
"Damn, I think I like him!" Ron whispered. "A Slytherin taking points off of a Slytherin? Unheard of!"
"Sh!" Hermione hissed.
"Potter, Harry." For once, their teacher didn't immediately hate him and/or start praising him.
"Here." Harry replied.
"Weasley, Ron."
"Here." Ron said.
"Alright everyone, take out a sheet of parchment." Professor Kirkland said. "This is going to be a ten-question pre-test. It's just so I can gauge how much revision we'll have to do. I have to prepare you for your O.W.L.s after all. Judging by the lesson plans Professor Binns left…" He looked at a piece of parchment. "The only things you've covered are the Gargoyle Strike of 1911, the Soap Blizzard of 1378, the Werewolf Code of Conduct, Emeric the Evil, Elfric the Eager, the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards, the International Warlock Convention of 1289, the Witch Hunts, several Goblin Rebellions, and you began Giant Wars last semester. That sound about right?"
Those who actually paid attention in class (Hermione and a couple of Ravenclaws) all nodded.
"How many of you have spent the last four years using this class as nap time?" 30 out of the 40 students raised their hands. "Well…that changes now. History of Magic is something that's very complex. It often time interacts with Muggle History, so we will be covering some, but not a lot." Professor Kirkland said. "Now, let's start with the pre-test."
He laid the parchment down on his desk and grabbed another piece of parchment. "Alright, question 1. Describe what the Gargoyle Strike of 1911 was about and explain why it occurred."
They started scratching down the answers. Harry could dimly remember to back in first year when Binns was talking about it, but he was pretty sure that he fell asleep. He started writing.
The Gargoyle Strike of 1911 was a wildcat strike of Gargoyles that took place in 1911. He wrote. There was nothing else he could remember about that. [2]
"Question 2, what occurred due to the Soap Blizzard of 1378?" Professor Kirkland questioned.
Ugh…he was pretty sure he fell asleep in that lecture too…
The economy crashed (?). He was pretty sure it didn't crash due to a bit of soap, but it was the best he could come up with.
"Question 3, Why did the Werewolf Code of Conduct ultimately fail?"
Nobody was going to openly admit that they were a werewolf, and therefore, it didn't get any signatures, and was ultimately dropped. Harry wrote. That was something he remembers Hermione ranting about at the end of first year.
"Question 4, Emeric the Evil is often mixed up with Uric the Oddball. However, there is a significant difference, something that Emeric is remembered for. What is that difference, and why did it lead to his death?"
Emeric the Evil was a duelist that died at the hand of Egbert the Egergious. Harry wrote. Hmm…he knew that he was forgetting something….what was it? Oh yeah… Egbert was after Emeric's wand, which was rumored to be the most powerful wand in the world. It's known as the Wand of Destiny.
He remembered Binns talking about something like that…or was it Hermione?
"Question 5, Elfric the Eager was a goblin that led an uprising. What uprising was this?"
Ugh. He remembered Hermione mentioning Elfric back in first year – something about an uprising, but he wasn't sure which one… Hermione had already scribbled her answer down on her paper, grinning. Apparently she was happy about finally putting her knowledge to use.
He scrawled down the first one he remembered. The Goblin Rebellion of 1612 that took place in Hogsmaede.
"Question 6, Give a brief description on what the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards does, and name as many recipients of their reward as possible."
Harry decided he was just going to call it MAEW. Hmmm… didn't Lockhart have something with MAEW on it? He decided to write it down. The Medieval Assembly of European Wizards gives out a reward called 'Bravery against Fantastic Beasts'. The last person to receive this reward, and the only one I know, is Gilderoy Lockhart (that fraud.)
"Question 7 – stop groaning, you only have three more after this one! – Discuss what happened in the International Warlock Convention of 1289. Don't confuse this with the Warlock's Convention of 1709." warned Professor Kirkland.
Oh shit. Another thing he didn't pay attention to…
I don't know what happened particularly, but the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards and a subcommittee with Sardinian wizards participated in the proceedings.
"Question 8, when did most witch burnings occur and why were they ineffective at lowering the population of witches and wizards?"
Harry actually remembered that from third year. Florean Fortescue had been a big help in writing that essay.
Most witch burnings occurred in the 14th century. They were rather ineffective because all a witch or wizard would need to do is use a flame-freezing charm and thus, would be saved from the flames.
"Question 9, according to WOMBAT, there is a reason that most Goblin rebellions occurred. What is it?"
He kind of remembered this from the year before, but then again, he hadn't really been paying attention. WOMBAT states that the reason most Goblin rebellions occurred was due to… he couldn't remember… he decided to wing it and write, …due to poor representation in the Wizengamot.
"Question 10, the last question! In what century did the Giant Wars take place?"
That was one of the last things Binns had covered so it was something he remembered.
The Giant Wars took place prior to 1900, in the nineteenth century (1800-1899).
"Alright, hand them in!" Professor Kirkland said.
[1] My favorite exorcism from SPN.
[2] Harry Potter wikia works wonders for when you are writing fanfiction!
I take Latin, and I know French, so I integrated them into this chapter.
I didn't really want to type anything else… I try to keep these chapters short for a reason!
And with this chapter, I would like to state that I have 78 reviews. That's the most reviews I've ever had on a story before! Thanks SO much!
Next Time: The Mis-Adventures of Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy
Later: Professor Molly Weasley *suggested by NatNicole*