.:Chapter Thirty-Six:.

Journal Entry 7: Beginnings

Things are going great lately. And I got some of the greatest news over Christmas. Well, first I want to talk about Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving dinner. It was…it was better than I thought it would be. Even though I was able to tell Cody things were going to be okay between Mom and Dad, even if Arwin was there as her dinner date I wasn't exactly sure about it. I mean. Mom and Dad already ribbing each other about everything but the stress of the holidays can make it worse at times.

But this time it was pretty cool. Arwin was really respectful of Dad and tried his best to make Dad like him. And as what happens with everything Arwin touches, he managed to do more harm than good. But at least he's the hotel engineer so he can fix any mistake he's made. And Dad took it all in stride; he was the one that was consistently saying Mom needed to date someone.

And Mom…well Mom said some other things that I probably shouldn't write here but I'll admit that I laughed about what she said as much as it made me and Cody uncomfortable. The tension between the two of them can be really bad sometimes. But I've grown used to it. Mom and Dad wouldn't be Mom and Dad if they weren't always making fun of each other. I can at least say I think they're friends.

Thankfully, though, Cody finally got over the idea of them together. But he did ask Mom about her not mentioning that she was dating Arwin. I can understand why he was upset even though I think it's a little ridiculous. Mom has her own life apart from being our Mom and whomever she wants to date is fine just as long as we like him. Being rich is fine, too. (Really, it's not like it's a deal breaker or anything). And Arwin is an awesome guy so it's cool that Mom finally sees that. Mom and Cody are really close though. Like, really really close.

It's one of the reasons that I had gotten so mad at her before. Because Cody is clearly her favorite while I'm clearly Dad's favorite. They can try their hardest to say they don't have one but they do. And as much as I love Mom, I feel more comfortable around Dad, like I'm not constantly under a microscope. Ad as much as Cody loves Dad, he feel like he's a bit too loose with rules and his lifestyle.

Anyway, Cody just said that he didn't understand why Mom kept their relationship a secret and didn't at least mention she was dating. And Mom said it was because she wasn't sure how we would react to it but at the same time she was afraid. Just by looking at her I knew she meant something other than being afraid of a relationship.

(I've lived with Mom long enough to realize when women aren't being exactly truthful, how do you think I know when to keep pursuing a girl if I can tell she doesn't really mean 'no' when I ask her out? Before any of you think I'm some sort of a creep, if I know she means 'no' I stop and I don't pursue things anymore. I've had that drilled into my head too many times not to keep it in mind).

It was probably the worst time to ask her to clarify, especially since we were eating dinner at the time (and let me tell you, I only had a brief worry about gaining weight before I tasted everything. Oh my God it was good) but I couldn't help but worry.

"What do you mean?" I asked, turning to the head of the table to look at her. "Usually you can date just fine."

Carey hesitated for a moment looked at Arwin then at Dad then Cody and me. She opened and closed her mouth a few times against the tension that suddenly rose. That's what surprised me, the tension. But then she came out and said it and I wished neither Cody nor I asked.

"I'm afraid that Robert might try something once he finds out that I'm dating Arwin," She finally said.

"He never did like it when I was around," Arwin pointed out. Then he frowned slightly, sniffed quietly, and cleared his throat. "Sort of like mother."

Beside me I could feel Cody stiffen and then I noticed that Dad was almost glaring as well. I wasn't sure how to feel. I was surprised mostly. I only thought Robert had gotten back into contact with the Jacksons, not Mom too. I was never on board with Mom dating him (okay, not just because if they got married I wouldn't be able to date Riley as she would then be my step-sister) but because I didn't like how intimidating and scary he was. He was a different person around Mom and even Cody and I could see that. He was good at pretending he was a nice person for the right people. And Zack absolutely hated that about him.

"What do you mean?" Dad finally asked."Why would he find out?"

Mom sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I was running through the park and I ran into him a few times. I A few times we would start talking, nothing more than that. But you remember how he was; when we were dating he hated it whenever another man even looked at me and absolutely hated it when Kurt was around."

"He didn't do anything to you did he?" Cody demanded.

"No," Mom said honestly. "He hasn't done or said anything wrong. It's just a feeling." She then turned her attention to Zack and Cody. "You never told me that the Jacksons were seeing and talking with him again."

"We didn't know," I said honestly. "They only mentioned having gone once. I didn't know they were still going…" I trailed off and looked over at Cody, whose eyebrows were furrowed together. Then his face brightened, as if he suddenly realized something and he pulled his cell phone from his pocket sending off a text.

It's not surprising they didn't mention it; there are a lot of things they don't tell us. There are a lot of things we don't tell each other. I don't want to tell them about what went on when I was in the hospital. There are some things Crys doesn't tell us about her Mom. There are a lot of things Max didn't tell me when we were dating, things I didn't tell her. Even before Moose came around Bailey didn't talk much about Kettlecorn other than how much she loved living there when she did.

Still that was sort of surprising.

I couldn't help but wonder when did we stop being as close as we used to be. We used to hardly be able to go through a day without laughing hysterically, making plans for the weekend, hanging out…anything. Now it's like we're just friends and not as close of a group as we had been before.

Our own problems aside it was probably because we all know we're going off to school soon. Applications need to be sent out, we need to do the SATs…Cody is always talking about sending out an early decision application to Yale because he already knows he's going to be the Vale-accordian* and everything.

*Valedictorian as Cody corrected me. He made sure I spelt (spelled) it right after I asked him for the fifteenth time what it was.

I try to ignore things like that as much as I can but you can't fight the inevitable. I guess, maybe, Bailey was right when she said before that things fell apart once I had gone into the hospital. But would that then mean everything was my fault? Or was it that I was just so wrapped up in everything that I didn't know what was going on with everyone else?

Hmm.

Anyway.

I've been working out more. Patrick, Noah, and Sydney have really been helping me out as long as they had been around. It's been great. I've even gone to that…okay; it's not really a fight club. But after hours there are some guys that go in and use the facilities. One of the guys we meet up with works there, and we box and spar with each other. It's the most fun I've had in a long time. And apparently I'm still good at boxing. I beat a lot of the better guys there before I was beaten. Maybe because I stopped thinking about everything that was wrong.

I stopped thinking about Sadie.

I stopped thinking about what's going on with Max and Tapeworm (which I really do need to talk to them about at some point. See, Dr. Morrison, I'm making progress).

I stopped thinking about Mom and Dad and where Cody and I are living.

I just stopped thinking about everything and let myself live in the moment. And I actually made some progress. I've seen my muscles coming back in and I rarely think about my weight anymore when I'm on the scale. So much so that I finally went back to Coach to see if he was telling the truth about being able to join the basketball team again. The New Year for the team would be starting up once school started up again. I reminded the coach of that promise and of the workouts I've been doing and he decided to give me the chance to try-out.

So I did every drill I used to do as a member of the basketball team. I dribbled, ran around the court, took shots, and practiced defense all until the Coach told me to stop. I was winded about halfway through but at least I wasn't as bad as I could have been when I was really out of shape.

I held my breath as I waited for his decision.

"Okay, I'm not making any promises," Coach said, holding up his hands. I felt my heart start to sink. "I'm not making any promises that you'll be a starter. Or that you'll see any game time within the first few games but I can see that you've been working really hard, Zack. And you still have the heart for the game."

"So…" I crossed my arms, unable to keep my hands from shaking. "Did I make the team?"

"You sure did, Zack." Coach held out his hand and I shook it eagerly. "It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back, Coach. Thank you."

And that's the amazing news I got. I was so excited to hear it. It meant that things were really starting to turn around. And it lasted for a while.

But…

I can at least say one thing I'm certainly ashamed of.

As soon as I heard the news, once the excitement wore off, fear set in. I immediately went back to the bathroom and threw up. I really didn't want to but there was a bit of the 'old Zack' in me that seemed to resurface and push me to do it.

But I'm making a deal with myself. My own resolution for the new year I guess; I would try harder ot beat this disease. It was a new year for a new beginning and I was going to make it work. I have my friends around me, my Mom is having a good time dating Arwin, my Dad is having a good time on his own with me and Cody living there when it's his turn, Cody and I haven't fought as much as we used to and now it seems like we've figured out how to actually be best friends instead of silently competitive with each other.

This new year is going to be where I can start fresh.

I'm going to make it happen.

-Zack