It was just a few words, some simple facts but it felt like something shifted. Part of me felt lighter but the vast majority of me was scared shitless. I have no idea why I even opened my mouth. Well in the moment it was how sad he sounded. Defeat was there in his voice, at some point while eating something changed. He spoke less and softer.
Maybe I won't need to worry about what I was going to do, maybe he decided he was done playing the game. Maybe the door will be back up and closed, maybe his voice drifting down the hall will stop.
That's what I wanted, right? To have him go about his business and leave as planned, it is for the best, right? I felt sick.
"What up my man?" Jasper's hand pats me on the back, making me jump a bit.
"Everything's cool man, just spacin out a bit." He won't press, he has always been the silent observer type. Jas always waits for you to come to him, but he also has an eerie way of hanging around and making you spill. Not tonight though. I won't share anything right now.
I know how crazy it will sound and how stupid I am being. It isn't clear in my head so there is no way I could even begin to convey it to Jasper. No I will keep a lid on it and paint on a happy face.
Work was busy, blessedly busy. I didn't have much time to think. Just feed the booze to the masses and shoot down the normal Friday night come ons.
I would be lying if I didn't say I was waiting on him to show. I wasn't sure I would want him there. Okay maybe I did, I hadn't seen him in weeks. Maybe he isn't as good looking as I remember, maybe his stories and voice down the hall have glorified my memory. Yeah that's it... bullshit.
He never showed, I pretend not to care. I get my offers of a fun time, I turn them down. Jasper offers to drink a few with me before he goes home. I decline that one too. I wasn't sulking I was thinking, yeah that's it thinking. Thinking I was an idiot to think a few facts and I had a chance.
He spilled everything. Told me things I didn't even know about my ex of over a year. By the time I reach the stairs I have decided, fuck it, I think it is my turn to talk.
I don't know if I can do it face to face yet, but I will open the door a bit more. Climbing the stairs my hands start to sweat, my heart is picking up. I listen as I move down the hall, I hear the shower running and muffled voices. My heart sinks as I put the key in the lock, I have nothing to say.
I hear the shower shut off, the door open. I fumble with my keys. I need to get in before I hear anymore.
"Rose had the baby. Rachel called as I was getting in the shower." his voice has some laughter to it. "Thank god for smartphones, hands free and speaker are awsome."
I smile and the key slides in the lock easily now. I step inside, I look at the door. The door stays open.
"That's wonderful news. I am really happy for them."