Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.) Ohoho, yes, I liked FFX-2 too much. Thanks for the reviews, they're muchly appreciated!
I have no idea what this chapter is on. Sorry. :

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 37: Mission Time!

"Good morning, angels!"

"Good morning, Wakka!"

"Heeey, how you girls doin' today?"

"We're just fine, Wakka," Yuna said, nearly bouncing around the overgrown blitzball player turned guardian turned bad father turned town leader turned bad grandfather turned fishbait. "Got any missions for us?"

Wakka looked from Yuna to Rikku and Paine. "Don't you girls got menfolk to tend to? You shouldn't be running around half-dressed like you're still 19."

"Hey, I chose 23," Paine grumbled.

"Oh, he's busy with the boys," Yuna said, waving a hand over at the table where Tidus was sitting.

"Sphere break again?"

"No, I think today it's blitzball trading cards," Rikku said.

"That's too bad, ya? I was hoping to try out this sphere that Edgar gave me." Wakka scratched his head. "Oh, wait, I do have a mission for you!" He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "It's from Garnet."

"Cool!" Rikku twirled as Yuna took the paper. "What's it say?"

"Um...that there's a menace wandering around the streets of Fantasy Terminus with a certain hero who's known to have a naughty streak. We're supposed to kick the menace's butt back to Hell."

"Hurt time!"

"Yeah!"

"Sounds like fun, though I dunno what hero she's talking 'bout, ya?"

Yuna looked at the table. Tidus was sitting with Squall and Cloud. The last seat was empty. "I think we'll be able to figure it out. Thanks, Wakka!"

"Ey, no problem..."

:

The menace was currently in a little booth in the back of a tavern, three streets over. He turned a menu over in his hands.

"You guys have food here, that's so not fair," Kuja grumbled.

"You can't have anything?"

"Nope."

"Oh." Zidane tilted his head. "You mind if I do?"

"I'll rip off your tail, you little jerkoff."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take!" Zidane grinned, flagging over the waitress. Kuja sighed.

"At least get me a drink or something."

"Can do." The tip of Zidane's tail was wiggling on the tabletop. Once the waitress had come and gone, the blonde turned his attention back to Kuja. "So...I s'pose it's a moot point to bother asking again what you're doing here?"

Kuja scratched his nose. "Yeah, pretty much."

"More boy troubles?" Zidane smirked.

"Ur...well, duh." Kuja slumped back in the booth. "Umma...just like I said. Needed a little break."

"They'll probably come looking for you."

"Eh?"

"Yeah," Zidane laughed. "They're like lost puppies without you."

"Well, that's true..." Kuja shook his head. "But they're not THAT bad."

:

Kefka grumbled as he and Sephiroth passed through the cheery streets of Fantasy Terminus.

He twirled a small red charm around his forefinger. "I can't believe those asses sealed my magic!"

"They took my sword," Sephiroth said, nearly whining.

"I don't care if they took your stupid sword!"

"Masa-chan is not stupid!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is--"

"Excuse me, boys?" A soft voice cut through their argument. They returned to non-flailing positions and looked at the speaker. It was a young woman. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she was wearing a pink dress.

"Yes?" Kefka gritted his teeth, attempting to look pleasant.

"Could you please not yell? You're disturbing the flowers."

They blinked, looking behind the woman. They'd stopped in front of a flower shop. Sephiroth cringed, and stepped behind Kefka. The woman looked up at the silver-haired bishie, smiling thinly.

"Ah, Mr. Sephiroth. It's a surprise to see you here....again."

Sephiroth gave a tiny wave. "Ur...hello, Aeris."

"I hope you don't run into Cloud," Aeris said. "He was in a bad mood again this morning."

"Why's that?"

"I hit him with my staff for disturbing the flowers."

Kefka giggled. "Uwee...that's pretty messed up."

Aeris smiled. "I know. But the flowers need to be happy."

"Uwee...hee...why's that?"

"Because if the flowers aren't happy, I'm not happy," Aeris said, her voice dropping to a growl. Both villains cringed and stepped back.

"Ah...hehe...it was so nice seeing you again, Aeris," Sephiroth said quickly, starting to walk away. He grabbed Kefka's sleeve and gave it a tug. "But we're busy...busy busy, you know. Looking for someone."

Aeris blinked, smiling pleasantly again. "Well, I hope you have good luck finding them!"

"R-right..."

:

"Oh, poopies," Rikku grumbled, hands on her hips. "I don't see any terrible wicked menaces around here at all!"

"I don't see Zidane either," Paine added.

"Well, they have to be around here somewhere," Yuna said.

"That's right! And when we find them, they're gonna get the what-for!"

"The what-for?" Paine blinked.

"Yeah!"

"Wh...." Paine sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry, I forgot that you died before your brain matured."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rikku huffed.

"I'm not sure it would have, even if she hadn't been trampled to death by chocobos during her 22nd birthday party," Yuna said.

"That's not funny!"

"Yeah, I know," Paine said. "Those chocobos were traumatized."

"Yes, it was very tragic...." Yuna sniffed. "Oh, my poor innocent little cousin, why did you have to meet such a cruel fate?!"

"Um, Yuna?"

"Oh, poor Rikku!" Yuna clenched her fists in front of her. "I would have had that chocobo trainer put to death! But Baralai said it was a really bad idea.."

"....Yuna?"

"And then Gippal suggested that maybe we just kill the chocobos as revenge, but he should've known how hard they are to hit!"

"Um, Yunie?"

"Especially when they start casting Meteo and stomping on your head, and then-"

"YUNA!!"

"Huh?" Yuna paused in her memory, blinking at Rikku and Paine. After a pause, Yuna clapped her hands together. "Alright, girls, we've got to keep looking!"

:

Elsewhere, Kuja was working through his fourth strawberry milkshake. "And you guys get beds here too, isn't that right?"

"Yeah," Zidane shrugged, still working at a salad. "But so what?"

"We have to sleep at our table," Kuja sighed. "And then sometimes, when you wake up, you get pressure marks on your face, and those really aren't cute."

"You pooor thing," the blonde snickered.

"Oh, shut up." He slurped noisily at the milkshake.

"That's not very ladylike."

"I am a guy again, you putz."

"I was joking, eesh."

Kuja grunted faintly, poking the bottom of the glass with the straw. "So, how's the salad?"

"Food-tastic," Zidane grinned. Kuja grumbled under his breath, then yawned. "Sleepy?"

"Why the hell would I be sleepy?" Kuja snapped, looking suddenly drowsy.

Zidane pointed with his fork. "Because strawberry milkshakes always make me sleepy."

"What kind of stupid nonsense is that..."

"It's true." He paused, pouring a bit more honey mustard on the greens. "Though I'm usually out by the second shake."

Kuja stared at him, eyes half-lidded. "That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard today." His brother shrugged.

"Then you clearly haven't been sitting anywhere near the hero-table at the bar I usually go to," Zidane said. "Between Cloud and Tidus, it's no wonder blondes get a bad mental rap."

"I don't think it takes a lot of brains to be heroic," Kuja smirked.

"Ha ha." Zidane continued eating. "But then there's Squall, and he thinks too much."

"Representative brains of the group?"

"That's not saying much."

Kuja snickered, leaning his elbows on the table. He slurped at the now-empty glass. "S'like...being evil...at least takes some brains."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really." Another slurp. "We have to plot and do stuff that...despite our best efforts, will be inevitably foiled by you stupidly blundering your way to victory."

"What about Kefka?"

Kuja blinked slowly. "What about Kefka?"

"Well, from what I've heard from Sephiroth, Kefka was more of the...crazy evil type."

"Mm." Kuja chewed on the end of the straw. "I suppose that sometimes the genius is still there, it just has to get.... decoded."

"Are you calling Kefka a genius?"

"Hell no."

:

Not far away, but far enough away to be in a different scene, Kefka and Sephiroth were still searching for their favorite bishie. Navigating the streets of Fantasy Terminus had proved to be more of a challenge than they'd expected, since various goody-goodies and hero-types kept interrupting their progress. The grudge-bearing moogles and chocobos didn't help things.

"Damn, I didn't think that Cecil-guy was going to shut up," Kefka grumbled. He pointed a red nail at Sephiroth. "You just had to get him started babbling about hair products!"

"Hey, he had nice hair!" Sephiroth shrugged. "I had no idea that complimenting it was going to lead into an hour long lecture."

"Well, don't compliment strangers next time."

"Does that mean I can't compliment you if you're having a good feather day?" the silver haired villain smirked down at his companion. Kefka cast a glowering glance sideways.

"I strange, you putz, not a stranger. Get it right."

Kefka and Sephiroth rounded a corner and started down the next street. They didn't get very far before a large mass of...something...stepped out from a doorway, blocking their path. Kefka meeped, jumping back. He ran into Sephiroth, who was also in the process of meeping in terror.

Sephiroth mewled faintly: "This place keeps getting scarier and scarier!"

The large...thingy...didn't seem to hear him. "Excuse me, boys!" It sounded female. "You haven't seen my good-for-nothing sorry-assed lazy excuse for a son-in-law by chance, have you?"

"Uwee...I'm not sure. Have we?"

The very large woman grumbled to herself. "Stupid tail-wiggling menace..."

"Tail-wiggling menace?" Sephiroth echoed. "You mean Zidane?"

"Who else do you think I mean?" the woman boomed. "How many other boys with tails do you see running around here? That aren't rats?"

"We're looking for one, actually..."

"What are you looking for Zidane for?" Sephiroth wondered.

"He missed his check-in time," Queen Brahne said, cracking her massive knuckles. The villains cringed again.

"Ch-check-in time?"

"That's right!"

"Keep him on a short leash, eh?" Sephiroth shook his head a bit.

"Of course I do!"

"But shouldn't that be...uh...what's her name....well, his wife's job?"

"Garnet doesn't try hard enough!" Brahne shook a big fist. They cringed again. "She even let him go to hell to visit that worthless brother of his!"

"Hey, Kuja's not--!!" Kefka's retort was cut off as Sephiroth clamped a leather-clad hand over his mouth. "Mmph mmph mmph!"

"Hmm?" Brahne fixed her beady eyes on the blonde. "What was that? How do you know that girly-faced freak?"

"W-we don't," Sephiroth said, sweatdropping. Kefka struggled a bit. "Just read about him, that's all."

"Oh." Brahne blinked a few times, then turned some to look down the street. "Well, if you see Zidane, you tell him to bring his butt back here!"

"S-sure thing."

"And you'd better do it, too!" the Queen roared.

Sephiroth chose not respond, nearly picking up Kefka as he dragged him down the street, fleeing from the way they'd came.

:

Elsewhere in town, Brother sat at a quaint little outdoor cafe. He was working through his third bowl of mint chocobo chip ice cream. There was a chicobo seated at the other side of the table.

"Fate is a strange cruel mistress, yes?" Brother sighed around his spoon.

"Kweeh?"

"That is what I thought too."

"Kweh." The chicobo stared at the ice cream.

"What? I told you, there are no real chocobos in the ice cream!"

"Kweh!" The bird ruffled its little yellow wings, and looked up at the Al Bhed with a pleading expression.

"And I told you ten times already, chicobo gets no ice cream!"

"Wark!"

"I said no!"

"WARK!"

"Hey, you are getting feathers in the ice cream!"

"Wark-kweh!"

"It's like watching a battle of wits," a voice said dryly behind him. "Too bad the bird would win."

"Oh?" Brother looked away from the now-ice cream-covered chicobo. "Hello, miss Paine!" He noticed the other women out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, and miss Yuna!"

"Hey, I'm here too, you big meanie!"

"How could I miss you, you are like a big....something or other," Brother said, waving his hand dismissively. Rikku punched the back of his head. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Positive reinforcement!"

"Pos.... what?" Brother rubbed the back of his head. "That is no way to treat your brother, Rikku."

"I thought she disowned you," Yuna said with a smile.

"Yeah, that's right!"

"What? Oh, that wasn't serious," Brother said, waving his hand again. "Besides, she died the next day."

"Quit bringing that up!"

"Wark!" The chicobo chipped in. Rikku glared at the bird.

"Don't get any ideas! Or I might have to-"

"Anyhow," Paine said, moving out of Rikku's way. The blonde rounded the table, still threatening the chicobo.

"What are you ladies up to?" Brother wondered.

"We're on a mission!" Yuna grinned.

"Ooh, I like mission time," Brother said, standing up. "Can I help?"

"Well...." she scratched her chin thoughtfully. "There isn't really much to this one..."

"What is the mission?"

"We're just looking for Zidane, that's all."

"And a menace," Paine added.

"I have seen Zidane today!" Brother nodded eagerly.

"Really, where?"

"And he had his very pretty brother with him," Brother continued, ignoring the question. He gave a brief, wistful sigh.

"Well, that answers the other question," Paine laughed, shaking her head.

"Brother, where did you see them?" Yuna asked.

"Umm...over by the post office, I think," he said. "I was on my way here."

"How long ago?" Paine asked.

"About...." Brother looked over his shoulder, then back. "...three bowls of ice cream ago!"

"So not that long..."

"If we move quickly, we might still be able to find them nearby," Yuna said. Paine nodded in agreement. "Alright, girls, let's go!

Yuna and Paine had made it nearly all the way down the street, before they realized that Rikku was not with them. They returned to the cafe, where Rikku was still arguing with the chicobo. The little bird was hopping on the table.

"Hey, Rikku!"

"Huh?" Rikku turned, narrowly avoiding having her eye pecked out.

"We're leaving!"

"Oh, right!" Rikku looked back at the chicobo. "We'll finish this later!"

"Kweh!"

---

end chapter 37