Title: Jean Havoc: Work In Progress
Author: havocmangawip

Beta: anat-astarte
Word Count: 10,745 this chapter
Spoilers: For the entirety of the manga that is released so far (all 62 chapters).
Rating: Mature, for Havoc's potty mouth, lechery and because Sciezka is a "dirty, dirty hot girl".

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of it. I write this and make no profit on it, in fact, I SPEND money on it what with A4 Black 'n Red notebooks and the HUNDREDS of Triple Venti Lattes that have fuelled this. Have I mentioned I write longhand and have an expensive gel pen habit?

Author's Note: You HAVE to read anat-astarte's "The Best Kind of Therapy". HAVE to! Think of it as an omake set during Chapter 38 of this humongous plot bunny. I'm so lucky to have an amazing editor who WRITES ME MY KINK! It's no fun writing your own smut, well it's not as fun as simply reading and enjoying someone else's work. She's been my editor for the last season, and she has the feel of the relationship DOWN.

Music: This chapter was HEAVILY influenced by music. The whole last section crept into my head listening to "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, and "Bound By Love" from Gran Bel Fisher is just owning me lately.

Citations/Credits: "The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have." -Søren Kierkegaard

Liberal use of the Kübler-Ross model's "5 Stages of Grief", from "On Death and Dying".

(YES, the philosophy/psych nerd in me has come out to play.) Chapter 37 actually has ACK!author's notes and sources!

Chapter 37: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It was good to be home and I slept like a rock in my familiar bed. As I rubbed my eyes to clear the sleep I realized that I was alone in the bed. I panicked, thinking that I'd driven Sciezka away with my shitty mood of the past few days. I was relieved when the bathroom door opened and Sciezka came out, though she had a very sour expression on her lovely face.

I was about to ask her what was the matter when she crossed the room, flopped on the bed and then curled in on herself, knees drawn to her chest, apparently in pain. She then wailed, "I know it's natural but that doesn't mean I have to like it!"

Well at least it wasn't anything I had done that had her so cross, though I was confused. What could be wrong with her?

She answered my question before I got to ask it saying, "I think men are right when they say, 'Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.' This is ridiculous to have to put up with!"

Then it dawned on me. So that was her problem. I reached over to rub her lower back. She groaned and leaned into my touch. I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time, so this was new. How could I make her feel better? After wracking my brain I figured that spoiling her rotten might help. Maybe taking a few pages from Gracia's book was in order. I knew a hot shower, cocoa and a back rub usually did wonders for me.

I would have to be careful about how I went about it, as I recalled that Hawkeye had been especially trigger happy every four weeks or so. I gathered my courage, cleared my throat and said, "Why don't you take a long, hot shower while I get you something to eat and drink?"

Sciezka smiled wanly and nodded. I continued working on her lower back and then asked, "So would coffee, tea or cocoa taste good? What about food?"

Groaning again she said, "No food... nauseous."

I moved closer to her so I could hopefully offer her some comfort and said, "Peppermint or chamomile? Those are both good for sour stomachs."

"Peppermint... and please shoot me!" she replied.

"Mmm, no can do with the shooting part, I'd miss you. I do have some pain killers that would put you out for the next week."

She giggled and said, "That is tempting, but I think a couple of aspirin will do the trick."

I smiled and said, "Just let me take care of the necessaries and the bathroom is all yours. Prepare to be fussed over my darling."

After finishing up in the bathroom I put on an undershirt and pajama pants. Sciezka got into the shower while I knocked around in the kitchen, had a smoke and fetched the newspaper off the porch.

She was curled up under the duvet when I came back in with a tray balanced on my lap with tea for her, coffee for me, a glass of water and the bottle of aspirin. I'd plucked a flower from the plantings out front and placed that on the tray on a whim. I had the newspaper as well, in case she felt up to doing the crossword with me. She giggled when she saw how seriously I'd taken the task of fussing over her.

She sat up and helped me unload the tray, placing her beverages on the bedside table and then sniffed the sprig of geranium I'd brought in. I smiled and said, "If you're hungry later we can order in, or I'll go get something. Anything that sounds good, you just name it and it's yours."

After she took two aspirin I reached under my chair and handed her the hot water bottle I'd brought in as well. I got into bed next to her after putting my coffee on the side table and setting the tray down. She rolled onto her side and I took that as an invitation to curl up behind her so her back was against my stomach. Letting out a contented sigh she closed her eyes and said, "You're an excellent nurse."

I kissed the top of her head and replied, "I've had good teachers. You should get some more rest and then we'll do the crossword."

As she slept I held her close and thought to myself, "It's not good that she's so miserable, but at least I can make her feel better... like she does for me."

Sometime after noon she woke up, feeling much better. I went to get more tea for her and some coffee for me. I read the crossword to her, and of course she had the answers before I even had time to think about it.

The afternoon passed pleasantly, and by dinnertime Sciezka was feeling better and very hungry. We decided on Xingian delivery, and joked about giving it another try minus the trip to the emergency room to have glass shards plucked out of my ass. Sitting in the dining room after the food arrived, I unpacked the cartons and we fixed ourselves plates of spicy beef with broccoli and noodles. I lit a few of the votive candles left over from my housewarming, in an attempt to set a romantic mood. It was just delivery food but I wanted everything to be special, all the time, just for her. Especially for her. I cursed when I noticed they'd forgotten the fortune cookies. Maybe we could make up our own "in bed". When we were finished I suggested that Sciezka go read "in bed" while I cleaned up and she smiled. She was letting me take care of her, and that felt good. Before she left the room she giggled, then said, "You will be spoiled rotten today, 'in bed'."

Before the trip we'd cleaned out the icebox so we didn't have any "surprises" waiting for us when we got home. As I was putting the leftovers away I noticed it had been restocked. Mrs. Smith and Gracia were truly too good to me, and apparently mind readers. Taking a cue from Gracia I dished up a bowl of ice cream, chocolate of course, and added some of the fresh raspberries that I'd found in the icebox for us to share. When I entered the bedroom she smiled at me, and her eyes lit up when she saw the ice cream. I handed it to her to hold while I transferred to the bed and once I was propped on pillows next to her I said, "We came home to this."

Sciezka smiled wide and replied, "We should have expected that Gracia and Mrs. Smith would have things taken care of." Admiring the contents of the bowl she added, "Mmm, fresh raspberries and chocolate, it looks like a good combination."

Dipping the spoon into the bowl as I nodded in agreement we slowly finished the bowl, one bite for her and then one for me, savoring each bite. This was definitely the best way to eat ice cream. When we'd finished I told Sciezka, "Get ready for a shower, I'll join you and then after I give you a rub down, we'll sleep. Tomorrow will seem early after being on vacation. I'll cook breakfast, and walk you to work before my session."

She protested, "You don't need to do all that."

"But I want to. It will give me more time with you, well and if you have time I can drop by with lunch too," I insisted.

"That would be nice, but we just spent the whole trip together, aren't you sick of me?" she asked.

"Nope," I said then kissed her. "Besides, classes start next week. So don't get too used to seeing me this much."

She set the bowl on the bedside table and then curled up in my lap and in between kisses she whispered, "We can have study dates... in the university library stacks... or I could keep you company while you work here... "

Returning her kisses I replied, "I don't think I'd get any work done, not if I had better things to study."

She smiled and said, "I'd behave, mostly. Besides, you aren't the only attraction at the library."

I gasped, feigning a hurt expression while clasping my hands over my heart before saying, "I'm wounded! You'd rather look at all those books instead of me?"

Pulling me down onto the bed so we were nose to nose she said, "You can't be the only smarty pants in this relationship."

"Last time I checked you are the brains in this room."

Kissing me passionately, perhaps to shut me up, she finally broke the kiss and said, "You're going to give me a run for my money. I just know it."

Chuckling after considering her grand prediction I said, "Well I could be the first head shrinker not preoccupied with sex."

"Hah!" she exclaimed. "The only reason it isn't constantly on your mind is because you're getting some."

Holding her closer I said, "I prefer to think of it as 'often and well'. But we could always try for more. I wouldn't want to be one of those theorists."

She got up and said, "If you had your way, we would have done it on Roy's desk by now."

As she walked into the bathroom I said, "Don't forget Central Library, your office, the third floor lounge... "

She rolled her eyes and said, "I have created a monster! Hurry up and join me so we can turn in."

The hot shower did us both some good. With all the wonderful amenities the house had, I could safely say that the bedroom and bathroom were my favorite places. Maybe it had to do with the many happy, naked memories Sciezka and I were making there. It was just wonderful to be able to relax and be enveloped in comfort. I'd heard it said that a man's home is his castle, I tended to agree, and I was rather fond of the "imperial throne room".

Once I was ready for bed I set the alarm and got under the covers. Sciezka was on her side and I moved closer to her, so we were belly to back. I moved my legs with my hands until I was sure my knees were nested behind hers. She had fallen asleep, so the massage would have to wait. Draping a protective arm over her I closed my eyes and listened to her soft, serene sounds of sleep.

I woke up a few minutes before the alarm went off and gently nudged Sciezka to rouse her. She rolled over to face me and smiled as her eyes focused. After excusing myself to take care of the necessaries and clean up a bit I asked, "So what should I cook for breakfast while you get ready?"

She laughed and said, "You were really serious about that? I feel like royalty!"

"Yes Your Highness, I'm utterly serious," I answered then winked.

"Anything you fancy," she replied, playing along with me.

While Sciezka showered and got ready for work I dressed quickly and started making breakfast. After assembling the few ingredients I'd need and setting the table I decided to experiment with an idea I'd been playing around with since my pool game with Falman.

When she came into the kitchen Sciezka was surprised to see me sitting on the counter, my feet resting on the seat of my chair as I gave the scrambled eggs one more stir before they were pronounced finished. Smiling broadly she remarked, "There is more than one way to get things done. Want me to help with anything?"

"Sure, bring our plates over here, and tell me when... I made plenty."

I was quite pleased with myself, in short order I'd made eggs and toast and once Sciezka was seated at the table I got down off the counter and into my chair without much trouble at all.

Sciezka nibbled on toast with butter and some of Ma's red currant jelly and appeared quite impressed. I'd also set out the rest of the raspberries and poured us each a tall glass of milk.

"You're a good cook, but you really shouldn't have gone to all this trouble," she commented after tipping her glass to get the last drop of milk.

Shaking my head I replied, "It's the most important meal of the day; it should 'stick to your ribs'. Besides, it took all of fifteen minutes."

She smiled and said, "Well thank you. I think I like your country boy habits."

Before I could protest Sciezka began clearing the table, rinsing the dishes and stacking them neatly in the sink. As she worked she said, "Go get your stuff together and meet me on the porch so we can get going. Oh, and I hope Mrs. Smith doesn't mind the dishes. Maybe I should write a note telling her to leave them for us to do."

"Good idea. I'm not too used to having someone to clean up after me."

I went to the bedroom and grabbed the small duffle bag I'd packed the night before and went out onto the porch for a smoke. I'd earned it.

It was a sunny day and our route to work was pretty. Most of the houses had gardens and flower beds and we'd stop every once in awhile to admire them and discuss plans for our yard. Simple words like: "ours", "together", "us" and "we" were music to my ears. I think they made Sciezka slightly giddy too. She had been right when she'd said the first day was the only bad day and she had a spring in her step. She'd gotten some color on the trip and it only made her lovelier. She caught me looking at her and asked, "See something interesting?"

Taking her hand in mine I answered, "Just the prettiest girl in Central."

Blushing as she said demurely, "Flattery will get you everywhere. Just Central?"

I tried to keep my expression serious, but I couldn't help smiling as I replied, "To be fair to the other women of the world, yes, just Central... but I'll never know because they no longer exist for me."

She sighed and rolled her eyes before saying, "So where is the white horse and suit of armor?"

When we arrived at headquarters I pulled her into my lap for one last kiss before we parted and said, "Left the horse at home, hospital policy frowns on livestock, and the armor chafes something fierce."

After one last lingering kiss she stood up and as she straightened her skirt said, "I'll see you at lunch, behave, and don't go overboard. A sandwich would be just fine."

She turned to walk away and I watched for a few moments until she turned around and shooed me away, pointing at her watch to indicate I'd be late for my session if I continued ogling her. I knew Jim wouldn't mind if I had a good reason to be late and I figured he'd appreciate the view too if he were in my circumstances. Though I was pretty sure I was more lecherous than Jim. I couldn't help myself, I was a hopeless case.

I wasn't late and Jim finished my range of motion exercises and stretches first so he could work with another patient while I worked on my own doing push-ups and pull-ups. I'd gotten strong enough that I no longer needed assistance with either and I was considering installing a bar in the house. After finishing fifty push-ups I was sore, but knew that after stretching and a short break I'd be ready for more. As I was getting ready to get back in my chair to head over to the bar I was caught by surprise when a medicine ball went flying by me, mere inches from my face. I remarked loudly, "You missed; you'd better work on your aim."

Someone snarled from across the room, "I see we have a comedian. There's always one in every crowd."

Unable to see where the bitter comment came from I shrugged it off, got off the floor and into my chair. I headed to where the pull-up bar was and heard the voice again, "Bruno, I'm done. Take me back to my room."

"So it's another patient," I thought to myself.

"Private, you still have another hour down here... " Jim protested.

"I'm leaving, whether you help me or not, this session is finished! It's not like it's helping anyway!"

I called over and said, "You should listen to Jim, he knows what he's doing."

"You have no right to say anything. You don't know what it's like!" the other patient growled sullenly.

Maneuvering to where the racket was coming from I parked myself next to Jim and asked, "Is this guy giving you lip?"

Jim's mouth was set in a grim line, and I could tell that his abundant patience was wearing thin.

The young man on the mat struggled to sit up, failed miserably and cursed as he flopped back down on the mat.

"A word of advice, if you prop yourself on you elbows first it makes it easier," I commented wryly.

"You think this is funny? It's fine for all of you to tell me how to do things, you'll never understand!" the man said, and I could see that he was sweating from his failed attempts to sit up.

I moved closer to the mat and said, "Look over here, so you can tell me to my face that I don't understand."

He turned his head to look at me, scowling at my challenge.

"I'm Jean, and it would be wise of you to do what Jim says. I've found that he is the person closest to understanding all of this in the hospital. Oh, and shave, you look like shit. You may feel like shit, but that's no reason to look like it. Think that over, and if you want to talk about it, I'll be here again Wednesday. But right now I have to go to H.Q. to see my girl."

I didn't give him time to answer and Jim walked with me to the door and said, "That is Private Hart, the patient that Parker wanted you to talk to."

"I guess I have my work cut out for me," I said quietly, and then left to go get cleaned up.

The trip to H.Q. was uneventful and I was thankful that the Sentry post had my name on the list. I stopped at the canteen to pick up lunch for Sciezka and myself, deciding that sandwiches and a fruit salad would suffice and that we could have some of that sludge that passed for coffee in her office to drink.

I arrived at Investigations and before I could get in the door I was greeted by Major Armstrong. His booming voice echoed down the corridor as he exclaimed, "You look well after your vacation. Miss Sciezka filled me in on all the details. I'm so glad you enjoyed seeing our comrades! I can also tell that the swimming is doing wonders for your constitution and physique."

Thankfully he'd said all this without pulling me from my chair or removing his shirt and showering me with his pink sparkles. I could feel a blush rising, due to all the attention his display drew from people standing in the hall. I smiled and said, "Thank you Major, it was like old times. Is Sciezka in there?"

He winked and said, "Why yes she is. I'll leave you two alone."

He left and I went over to Sciezka's desk. It appeared to be not too buried in backlog from her absence and she smiled when she saw me, closed the file she was working on, stood up and kissed me hello.

I set the paper bag from the canteen down and asked, "So would you like to eat in here?"

She picked up the bag, peered inside, smiled and then said, "How about the lounge? I need a change of scenery."

"Good idea, if you'd get us two cups of sludge to drink, you've got a deal."

After handing the bag back to me she quickly fixed two cups of coffee and we headed for the lounge. When we got there it was empty and I smirked and said, "Today is our lucky day. We've got it all to ourselves."

She laughed and said, "Let's eat; I have lots to catch up on. Besides, that whole girl stuff mess."

"I promise I'll behave, for today," I replied.

We ate quickly and quietly since Sciezka had a lot of work to do and when we finished Sciezka asked, "So what's on your agenda this afternoon?"

After pondering her question I answered, "More psychology reading and notes, and maybe I'll drop by Gracia's to thank her for helping Mrs. Smith and to check up on Fletcher."

Sciezka kissed me on the cheek and said, "That sounds like a good plan. Should I pick up something for dinner on the way home?"

"Nah, we have plenty in the icebox. I'll whip something up when you get home. I bet you'll be tired."

She nodded and after ruffling my hair she went back to her office. I considered stopping by Roy's office, but he was probably hopelessly behind on paperwork, and had his hands full with Lan Fan's arrangements to top it all off. Besides, I was tired after the exchange with the Private.

I stopped by the range on my way home to let Riza know that I'd have to beg off practice today. She looked pleased to see me and said, "I'm glad to see you survived the ride home. You looked pretty run down the last time I saw you."

"Yeah, the ride home was less than pleasant since the roads were so bumpy from all that rain. How did the patient do?"

Riza winced at the reminder and said, "She didn't complain, but she wouldn't. I'm sure she was relieved when she arrived at her destination."

I nodded in understanding and said, "I'm going to have to skip out on you today. I'm still a little sore and I should be hitting the books more before classes start."

She gave me a knowing smile and said, "No problem, you know where I am if you want to blow off some steam."

Riza put her hearing protection back on and resumed her practice as I left. I decided that I really was still tired and went straight home. I could call Gracia when Sciezka got home from work.

After reading and outlining the second chapter of my psychology text I dove into the first chapter of my military history book. It was the same text they had used for officer training and I was relieved. Hopefully the class would be mostly review for me so I would be able to spend more time on my psychology assignments. Once I finished studying I set the table and started dinner. Hopefully Sciezka wouldn't have to work late. She came home just as I was tossing the salad. She called from the entry way, "I'm home and I'm famished!" She then came into the kitchen, grabbed a piece of bread and gnawed on it.

"Well you certainly worked up an appetite. It's a good thing that dinner is almost ready," I said as I set down the salad bowl and pulled her close to me, wrapping an arm around her thigh.

"So what did you make?" she asked eagerly.

"I made beef tenderloin, baked potatoes and a salad. Tasty and fool proof," I answered. "Why don't you change out of your uniform while I finish up in here?"

She kissed me, lingering for a moment and pulling on my lower lip and then went into the bedroom to change.

While she was changing I lit the candles, poured the wine and brought the food to the table. I'd just gotten settled and was congratulating myself on a job well done when she came in. Sciezka pulled her chair closer to mine and I smiled. Raising my glass to her I said, "Cheers."

"What are we celebrating?" she asked.

I chuckled and said, "Nothing in particular. If I have to choose something then how about we drink to Monday?"

She rolled her eyes at me for the second time that day and quipped, "It's a good thing you are good in bed, because you have the oddest sense of humor."

Nodding in agreement and after taking a sip of wine I said, "But you like it."

"Admittedly I do. You wouldn't be the same if you were serious," she whispered in my ear, nipping a bit at my earlobe before tucking into her dinner.

I'd learned a few kitchen tricks from my time at Gracia's and Sciezka ate with zeal. It was a miracle she ate the way she did and stayed so small. Though I had a few good ideas on how she worked it off. Besides our bedroom antics she was always aflutter. Even when reading, or at work she always fidgeted and you could see the gears whirring at break-neck speed. She was rather like a hummingbird.

Once we cleared way dinner and did the dishes, with Sciezka washing and me drying, we moved to the living room. I lit the candles in the fireplace, turned on the phonograph and we sat on the couch reading. Well, she was reading, a book on Ishbalan mythology, and I was back to psychology. Since I was determined to do well at university I knew that going into the quarter over-prepared would help. Besides, this was similar to preparing for ops. Learn all you could about the target, do it by the numbers, get in and get out. We were able to control ourselves for an hour or so, and then having her draped casually against me became too much, and the study session deteriorated into a make-out session. Not that I minded much. The location was perfect actually, the wine and overstuffed furniture only contributing to my scholastic delinquency.

In a pause between kisses I asked, "So I was wondering, since you're here every night anyway... would you like to move in? There's too much room for just me... it's soon and all, but you could sublet your place."

She caught me off guard when she took my face in her delicate hands and kissed me hard, wiggling as she straddled my hips.

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "So was that a yes or are you just trying to distract me?"

Collapsing on top of me in a fit of giggles she answered, "It's a yes you goof! I've almost forgotten what my place looks like and this feels like home!"

I poured us each another glass of wine to celebrate and we toasted each other, and then said, "Good! We can start packing up your stuff this weekend."

Worry lines creased her forehead as she said, "But Jean, the stairs... "

"Don't worry about it. I want to see your place and the only thing that will be hurt going up the stairs on my butt will be my pride. It will be worth it," I said in a light tone.

"Really?" she asked and then took another sip of wine.

"We still haven't had sex in your bed and I bet there are bunch of things we could try in between packing up all of your books."

As I said that she began giggling and I was lucky she didn't have wine come out of her nose. That would have smarted. Once she regained her composure she scolded, "Is that all you think about?"

"Don't get me wrong, I love what you do to me physically, who in his right mind wouldn't? But what I love more is cuddling like this and talking. Though I will admit that's more fun after we've had our way with each other and are basking in the afterglow, because that's when I get to have the best of both at the same time." I looked deeper in to her eyes and said, "Sciezka, three little words don't seem like enough at all, but... I love you."

We turned in early and even though female troubles put Sciezka off of sex, there were other things we could do that would alleviate any of her remaining discomfort.

Tuesday was my "day off" from therapy with Jim. I still went and swam, then met Sciezka for lunch at the mess. It wasn't palatable at all. I remarked to her, "I don't know how I ever ate this chow. If you want, since I think I'll be packing a lunch for school, I can make one for you too."

We couldn't do worse than the mess and we'd be sure we were eating right, not to mention if we ate out much the groceries would go bad before we could eat them all. When we had finished eating I escorted Sciezka back to her office and I was relieved that Major Armstrong was still at lunch. I was pleased that he'd noticed how hard I was working in therapy, but his method of expressing himself could be a bit much.

Next I went down to the range, Riza wasn't there and I had the place to myself. After signing in and getting my equipment I practiced with the .38 and then cleaned it. My accuracy with a pistol was improving, though I hoped I'd never have need of it.

On my way home I stopped in at Gracia's and I watched Fletcher playing tag with Elysia. Fletcher really had a way with her. Gracia and I sat in the living room drinking coffee and rehashing the trip. She was tight-lipped about Jim and blushed whenever I brought him up. Things apparently had gone very well. Now was as good a time as any to remind her of my offer to watch Elysia at my place. I'd have to tread carefully as they both seemed shy about their developing relationship.

"Gracia, if you'd like I can take Elysia and Fletcher overnight Friday or Saturday. I'm sure you'd like some time to yourself," I offered.

She blushed, wrung her hands and said, "Oh, I wouldn't want to put you out."

"Nonsense, tell my girl it's a date. We'll all go to the park, maybe get some ice cream and then dinner. She'll be completely tuckered out by bedtime and we'll have her back to you by lunchtime. We'll take Fletcher too if he's still staying with you."

Gracia got up, hugged me tightly and I chuckled and said, "I'll take that as a yes."

When I got home Mrs. Smith was still there and I thanked her for how thoughtful she had been while we were away. She blushed at the perceived flattery and I added, "Truly, it wouldn't be half as nice here without your touch. I don't know what I ever did without you."

She left shortly afterwards and I brewed some coffee and set up camp in the large armchair to get more reading done for school. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew Sciezka was sitting in my lap, whispering in my ear.

I teased, "You're like a cat, begging for your supper. Are you starving?"

Of course she was, when wasn't she? We decided that rather than making dinner at the house we would go to the little cafe that Gracia liked. Sciezka changed out of her uniform and we were on our way. It was a pleasantly warm night, so we decided to walk. I lit up once I'd managed the ramp and she asked, "So how many have you had today?"

"I've had four including this one, why?" I replied.

"I was just wondering if it had any correlation with your oral fixation."

Chuckling as I shook my head I said, "Mostly I think I was too lazy to go outside. I'm better than I was on Saturday, but I'm still sort of tired and sore. That could just be because I've ramped up my weight training in therapy and swam today."

I flexed for her, jokingly and she felt my bicep and lingered there a little too long for it to be purely innocent. She leered and said, "A few more days and that is all mine. I always thought I liked brains over brawn. I got lucky with you, I don't have to choose."

After putting out my cigarette I pulled her into my lap and teased, "You're delirious with hunger; we simply have to get you fed!"

She pulled me into a slow, lingering kiss and when she'd finished having her way with me said, "Nope, not delirious, but still hungry. We'll have to eat hearty for later."

"But what about your female stuff?" I asked.

She giggled and said, "You can sound like such a bumpkin prude sometimes. No, not that, but you've been so good. You deserve something for taking care of me."

I kissed her again, taking my time worrying at her lower lip, being much more demonstrative in public than usual and then said, "Let's eat and then get home. Can we get this to go?"

"Easy Jean, I think you can at least wait until we've finished eating," she said, attempting to scold me, but she was smiling too much to be taken seriously.

When we arrived at the cafe we decided to sit outside so we could enjoy the weather and people watch while we ate, though I was quite pleased with the view across the table. Many couples walked by, some with dogs or children in tow and it was an idyllic setting. I told Sciezka about my conversation with Gracia and our plans for the weekend. She thought it was brilliant and her eyes flickered when she said, "I still get you all to myself on Friday night. I'll have to plan something special."

Our dinner arrived and we began eating, though I could barely contain my excitement about Friday. Hell, tonight was hard enough to wait for! Waiting almost a week was nearly killing me. I was spoiled and I knew it. We finished eating quickly and when the check arrived I left enough to cover the bill and a generous tip. The food had been good, but mostly waiting for the change would mean waiting that much longer for what Sciezka had in store for me.

I knew she could be incredibly inventive, but she amazed even herself when she teased my ears and nearly brought me off just by whispering in graphic detail exactly what she planned to do to me on Friday night. The picture she was painting was almost too perfect, touching so many of my non-erogenous zones as well.

We turned in after a shared shower, though it should have been a cold one for me. Was it Friday yet, and was it possible to die of bliss? I'd be lucky if I didn't have a raging hard on until Friday at quitting time.

I didn't die in the night, and woke up Wednesday with Master Havoc standing at attention. I slipped out of bed and quietly got into the shower. Sciezka soon joined me, and I realized that she must have woken up when she heard the water. After getting into the shower and pulling the curtains closed behind her, she bent down and saluted. "Good morning Master Havoc," she said mischievously, "May I be of some assistance to you?"

She always knew when to lend a helping hand and, as usual, had excellent timing. Her moving in was going to be great, but would we ever leave the house? Scratch that, would we ever get out of bed?

We got dressed, despite the odds working against us. Sciezka had to work; I had therapy and hopefully lunch in the hospital cafeteria with that Private. On our walk in I told Sciezka of my plans and asked her how I should go about it. Complete disclosure would be ideal, but would probably scare the crap out of him. If I glossed over too much of it I'd feel like a hypocrite. Sciezka liked the idea of balancing the good news with the bad. Thinking that over I finally said, "That would have made my first few months of rehabilitation marginally tolerable. Hopefully our talk helps him out, though after the trip... there were so many things I hadn't come up against before."

She put her arms around me from behind and said softly, "So tell him about that, that you sometimes face limits and setbacks but then you pick yourself up again, and try again. Remind him of the support he has, that it's not a weakness when he feels depressed, or needs help. He'll hopefully listen to it coming from you."

I looked up at her and she leaned over, giving me an awkward, upside down kiss. Smiling into the kiss I hummed contentedly and then asked, "You really think I'll make an impression on him?"

She sighed, touched her forehead to mine and said, "It's a good thing you're humble or you'd get a swelled head with the amount of times I've told you this... you're handsome, intelligent, a snappy dresser and just look at that physique!"

I blushed, shook my head and said, "If you insist."

She moved to stand in front of me, put her hands on her hips and said, "I do insist. Now hurry to the hospital. You have a full day ahead of you. But don't work too hard; you have to save some for Friday."

I pulled her towards me by the epaulettes on her uniform, stole one more kiss and we went our separate ways. She didn't scold me for watching her walk up to the sentry post this time.

I arrived at the hospital early, so I smoked a cigarette to kill some time and then went to my session. The private was down there already and, surprisingly, he was being compliant. I wouldn't have noticed him if I hadn't been looking for him. Jim waved at me and turned me over to a therapy aide who had me get changed into shorts so I could have an electro-stimulation treatment. When I was finished with that I pulled my sweats back on and began doing pull-ups and pushups while I waited for Jim to finish with his other patients. We'd be working my abs on the balance ball and hopefully I'd be able to figure out how to do that at home, as I'd noticed that my stronger abdominal muscles helped make just about everything easier. It didn't hurt that Sciezka particularly liked tracing my now defined abs with her tongue. No, that didn't play into my continuing effort to strengthen my core muscles at all. Well, maybe it did just a little.

Jim finally came over, helped me onto the ball and held it steady. We talked about brunch on Sunday in between sets and he blushed when I asked if he had any special plans for Saturday. I assumed his reaction meant that yes, he and Gracia had plans.

"Say Jean, I wanted to thank you for helping out," Jim said.

"It's not trouble at all taking the kids. I've missed spending time with Elysia," I replied.

He smirked and said, "Well of course that, but I meant with Private Hart. You'll barely recognize him. He hasn't thrown anything at me since Monday, and didn't even swear at me when I came to pick him up this morning. The nurses are a completely different story; you have your work cut out for you."

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Really? I just mostly chewed him out on Monday."

Jim nodded and said, "He needed it, and you were just the guy to do it. He's up in his room getting cleaned up for lunch. By the way, what do you plan on talking about? You might want to put in a good word for the nurses, even though I know your opinion on sponge baths."

He helped me off the ball and started stretching my legs, putting them through their full range of motion and I laughed. Jim looked at me in askance and I said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of how odd this would look to an outsider, how odd it must feel for him. Oh, and I'm going to let him ask the questions. I'm sure he has plenty."

"What if he's not that talkative?" Jim asked.

"Eh, I'll tell him about how I ended up in the emergency room with glass in my ass, and the fun that led up to it. My utter embarrassment should put him right at ease."

Jim beamed and said, "That sounds like a plan. Good luck, and thanks for Saturday."

As I left to go get cleaned up I winked and said, "No problem, any time."

My talk with Private Hart went well, and I agreed to see him sometime in the next week if he had any more questions. We'd had a lot to talk about, and surprisingly had a lot in common besides our similar medical conditions. He'd also enjoyed getting out of his room and I felt that I should somehow help with that. I'd been lucky and had so many people trying to bring me out of my depression. His family was far away in the West, and from what he told me they all seemed rather estranged.

Friday night was everything that Sciezka had promised, and when I woke up on Saturday I was more than ready to have fun with Elysia and Fletcher. Sciezka suggested we take the kids on a picnic and watching the three of them fly kites had been great, but I wished I could have been the one teaching Elysia and running alongside her. We went out to dinner and had hamburgers. I was surprised that Elysia hadn't requested peanut butter and jelly, but she would be five in the fall, and her tastes were changing. She was growing up in front of my eyes. The highlight for the kids was camping out on the living room floor after we'd stuffed them full of hot fudge sundaes.

Jim and Gracia appeared quite content on Sunday at brunch and I was happy that could contribute to that by helping them have some time alone. We'd have to do it again soon. After lingering far too long over coffee Sciezka and I decided that her apartment could wait. The next week would be a very busy one and Sciezka had brought up the very valid point that maybe she should "keep" the apartment at least until her mother had met me. She might like me better if she didn't think I was shacking up with her daughter.

The days had flown by and the weekend was over all too soon. The days had flown by and the weekend was over all too soon. Sciezka and I went to bed early on Sunday night, and she had suggested I take a sleeping pill in case I was worried about how tomorrow would go, but I was stubborn.

After a fitful night's sleep spent tossing and turning it arrived. The first day of classes for the new quarter dawned sunny and full of promise, I hoped. After showering, splashing on some cologne and taking an inordinate amount of time deciding what to wear, I settled on a button down shirt and jeans. I figured that wouldn't make me stand out from the other students too much. I could hardly call them my peers, as I was a few years older, and I was pretty sure I was a unique situation for the university. I'd already finished dressing when Sciezka woke up and after putting on her glasses she looked me up and down and asked, "Are you planning to pick up innocent coeds in class?"

I blushed and answered, "No, I won't be hitting on any girls today. I really don't think they'll be all that interested anyway."

She stood up, wrapped her arms around me from behind and said in a low voice, "It's going to be fine Jean. You can do this, so stop fretting."

I began to protest, sputtering indignantly, "I am not fretting!"

Interrupting my outburst with a kiss she countered, "You are so. Just be yourself, it will be fine. You should get going so you get to campus with plenty of time to get your bearings."

Giving her a shaky smile I said, "I hope you're right. I'll see you tonight."

The trip to campus was uneventful as it was a short way from home. Since I needed the distraction that exercise would provide I nixed the idea of a cab. I got to the Humanities building where my first class of the day would be held, got in without any major problems and made use of the first floor's facilities. The building was old and unimproved so I had to improvise and hope that no one would decide to use the last stall. I'd been able to get in, but not close the door, so with the stall door wide open I got out my supplies, took care of things, then washed my hands. Pleased that I'd remembered a disposable cup I made a mental note to do some recon to find a bathroom that provided a little more privacy.

After checking my watch I noted that I had over a half hour before class. I searched out the elevator anyway, as with any luck I'd be able to find an out of the way place in the lecture hall if I arrived early. My plan hit a snag when I reached the elevator and realized that you needed to have a key to use it. Seeing no janitorial staff or anyone else who might have a key I sourly thought to myself, "Well this is just great."

I checked my watch again and grimaced when I realized that I would be late after a trip to the Dean of Student's office in the main administration building. I'd thought I had everything taken care of in the brief meeting I'd had the week prior. The Dean had proudly informed me that all university facilities were accessible, and I'd taken him at his word. After calmly explaining to his secretary that I needed a key for the elevators she blushed and opened her top desk drawer. She handed me the key and apologized, "I'm sorry that we forgot to have a key made for you. You're a new situation for the university. Again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

I thanked her and hurried back to the Humanities building. I really couldn't fault them, I should have thought of that myself. I still wasn't used to all the logistics involved in my daily life.

Once on the second floor I made my way down the deserted hallway, found the correct room number and pulled on the door handle. It was locked. I heard the muffled sounds of a lecture going on, checked my watch and cursed under my breath. Class had started ten minutes ago, so much for my plan to slip in unnoticed.

I calmed myself down and knocked firmly on the door. A man's voice said gruffly, "Ah, we have someone who doesn't believe in punctuality."

The class laughed and I began to consider giving up right then and there. The door opened and a dignified looking man looked out into the hall. He apparently hadn't noticed me, must have been expecting "the offender" to be taller.

After clearing my throat I said, "Please excuse my tardiness. I had a problem with the elevator."

He nodded sternly, turned crisply on his heel and returned to the lectern. I felt a room full of eyes on me as I carefully scanned the room for an empty spot, all the while averting my eyes to try to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that meeting a stranger's gaze could create. Thankfully he didn't mention my offense any more and I found a place near the wall where I could sit and take notes. Almost two hours later the professor, a retired General who I learned later was the illustrious Martin "Lightening" Lockheed, announced that class was over. The other students filed out, talking amongst themselves and finally the General and I were alone.

"General Lockheed, I'm sorry I was late. There was a mix-up at the Dean's office about the elevator keys. It won't happen again."

He nodded and said, "See that it doesn't Second Lieutenant Havoc. I'll see you at 1300 hours tomorrow at the Academy."

He turned to leave and I said as I saluted crisply, "General Sir! Thank you Sir!"

Grinning he said, "That rogue Mustang said to expect good things from you, as did Lieutenant General Grumman. Don't disappoint them, remember 1300 sharp."

After he left the room I stowed my books under my chair and checked my watch. I also heaved a sigh of relief. It could have been worse. I had an hour to kill before my next class; it was also in the Humanities building so I would hopefully have no trouble finding it. Though I wasn't hungry, in fact I still felt queasy from the anxiety the elevator fiasco had caused, I knew I should at least attempt lunch. Remembering that the student union was where most students ate I headed there. Perhaps lunch would make me feel better.

The union dining area was crowded and after looking over the menu and finding nothing of interest I settled on an apple and a carton of milk. Realizing that finding an empty table would be next to impossible and since I was not about to ask if I could join anyone I went outside and ate in the shade of a tree. The Humanities building had an impressive fountain in the pond, and couples sat on benches watching ducks paddle in lazy circles. They looked carefree and I felt a pang of jealousy. I had Sciezka and I was grateful, but I resented their young, untroubled faces and had my own little pity party right there. I'd only finished half of my apple, but it no longer tasted good. I found a trash can and checked my watch. I had thirty minutes before class. I headed back into the building anyway and after finding the proper lecture hall empty, I found a spot in front and off to the side.

As I was getting out my materials for class a young, bookish looking man came in. He looked to be barely older than I was. He gave a startled yelp when he realized he wasn't alone in the room and said, "Oh, you scared me. I thought I'd have a few minutes alone to gather my thoughts."

I forced a smile and said, "Don't mind me. Pretend I'm not here. I just didn't want to make a spectacle of myself."

He crossed the room after setting down his portfolio and extended his hand to shake mine.

"You'll have to pardon me for not standing," I said as I offered him my hand.

He looked taken aback, but then looked down as he shook my hand and a flicker of recognition crossed his expression, "I'm Doctor Kohut, and I'm going to assume that you are Lieutenant Havoc."

"That would be correct," I said. "I see my reputation precedes me."

"Lieutenant Hawkeye and I were in the Academy together. Thankfully the military realized I could serve them better as a civilian specialist. In addition to teaching I see a few patients at Central Hospital."

I nodded and said, "I wondered how Hawkeye picked my classes, now I know."

He looked troubled and asked, "So psychology wasn't your first choice?"

Trying to smooth it over I replied, "To be perfectly honest, before the accident I never considered it. The few chapters I've read were interesting, but none of it seems particularly useful in a case like mine."

Chuckling he said, "Riza had warned me that you are a sarcastic one, that I'd get a kick out of you. I've got to sort through my notes. Why don't you meet with me after class?"

I shrugged and said, "Why not? By the way, thanks for letting me into the class on such short notice."

The other students had begun to stream in and I hoped I could sit in relative anonymity. After introducing himself to the relatively small class, thirty or so people as opposed to the hundred who had been in Military History, he directed the class to move down to the first four rows of seats. Well now at least I wouldn't be the only person sitting in the first row. Once everyone had moved and settled back in, Doctor Kohut said he'd leave introductions for the next class when study groups would be assigned. I was thankful that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone just yet. Doctor Kohut then dove right into the first chapter, skipping the historical details saying, "As long as you read the chapter, the history of this discipline should be self-explanatory. I'm not here to hold your hand through material you should be able to figure out yourselves. What we will be discussing is newer theory that hasn't made it into the texts yet. You'll still be tested on what's in the book."

I heard several groans coming from behind me and thought to myself, "Well their hopes and dreams of an easy A have been dashed."

The lecture went at a fast pace and my dictation skills came in handy, though my hand was rather cramped by the end of the class. When class was over Doctor Kohut approached me and said, "Why don't we have a cup of coffee in my office. I'd like your opinion on something."

"I have no idea how I could be helpful to you, but sure," I said, feeling that it would be rude to refuse his request, "I'll help however I can."

He smiled and replied, "You're still got quite a bit of 'Yes Sir.' in you for a civilian. I'd like your honest opinion on this, as I've never taught this material to a first year class before."

As I put away my books I said, "I owe you one for slipping me in after the registration deadline. Besides, somehow I think Hawkeye would find out about it if I wasn't a model student."

Dr. Kohut laughed and said, "Well if she is still anything like how I remember her then yes, yes she would."

The professor's office was small, filled with books; so many that they spilled out of the shelves and onto the floor. Sciezka would have loved it. In the corner was a desk piled high with professional journals and on it sat an abused looking coffee maker. He told me to make myself comfortable as he fumbled with the coffee filters and pointed toward a stack of papers and said, "What I wanted to discuss, it's on top. If you'd skim it while I'm fixing the coffee."

I picked it up and began reading and gathered that the gist of what he wanted to discuss was:

A model for the Five Stages of Grief-

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I scoffed when I read the last one. Acceptance... didn't you have to accept things eventually? If you couldn't change something, what was the point of fighting with it?

Doctor Kohut pulled his chair closer to where I was sitting, handed me a chipped mug containing coffee and asked, "So what do you think of that line of reasoning?"

Deciding that I should be diplomatic, as this theory sounded better than some of the crack-pot babble I'd read so far I answered, "It seems like a rational argument for how people deal with death. It's more logical than what that nut in Drachma has to say about the subconscious mind revolving completely around sex. However, I really fail to see what this has to do with me."

He sat quietly for a moment, worried the sleeve of his tweed sport coat and removed his glasses. I was mildly amused that he looked like I'd expected him to, if perhaps younger. Bespectacled, bearded and in tweed; head shrinks must have a dress code. Finally he spoke, "It's oversimplified when you think about the stages of grief as applicable only in a situation like death. They could also apply to the end of a relationship, a major life change or other loss. Riza told me a few things about what happened, how you ended up here... "

I felt like I was at a disadvantage, he apparently knew a lot about me and I knew almost nothing about him. Did he expect me to talk about the incident? Had Hawkeye wanted me to be one of his research subjects?

After taking a deep breath to calm myself down I said, "I don't know how much you were told, but it was an accident. Things went sideways and I don't blame anyone. It was unavoidable."

Appearing to be choosing his words carefully he said, "Even without laying blame, can you see a parallel with death? Can you honestly say you're the same person you were before?"

I took a sip of my coffee, then held the mug to steady my hands so they wouldn't shake, giving away how angry I was. Schooling my tone I said, "So you'd like to know what stage I'm in, is that it?"

He nodded, indicating that I should continue.

"Honestly? I'm fine now. Yes I was angry and I hoped I was wrong, that maybe it was all a bad dream. That didn't last long. The doctors at the hospital made it abundantly clear to me the extent of my injuries, and what they entailed. The only thing left to do from there was to work hard at becoming self-sufficient again. Really I'm lucky. I've got good friends, my family, a roof over my head and plenty of opportunities ahead of me."

"I see, so you've accepted it?" he asked, his tone similar to if we were discussing a topic like the weather.

"Accepted it? Things happen and you get through them," I answered, my knuckles white as I gripped the mug.

"Well I'm glad to see you're so well adjusted. I apologize if this seemed too personal. I was curious to see what your take on it was," he said and then sat back and took another sip of his coffee.

I set my mug down on the desk and said, "Well if that's all you wanted to know, I'll be going. It's been a long day and I still have to outline some chapters for my Military History class."

He stood up to show me out, but paused at the door and said, "Thank you for your time. Our discussion reminded me of a quote from a philosopher in the North; he said, 'The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have.' I'm glad it doesn't seem to apply to your situation. I'll see you in class."

I left his office and the university grounds in a daze. That quote had struck me right in the gut. It had been an intellectual sucker punch. He'd been right, I'd died that day. That future was gone. Solaris, Lust, whatever the hell that demon's name was had torn my future to shreds just like she'd done with my body.

Somehow I found my way home. Mrs. Smith had left for the day and I had the house to myself. My first stop was the kitchen for a glass of water, and then I went into the bathroom and performed the necessaries. After washing my hands I took a long, hard look at my reflection. I dug in my shaving kit and found the right bottle, opened it, shook a pill out into my hand and took it. Then got in bed and stared at my notebook. Even though I had so many things going for me, I couldn't get rid of the "what ifs" swirling in my head. Maybe the medication and writing would get rid of this feeling.

"I'll never rise any higher in the ranks and will never be able to stand by my comrades now. Sure I can do small things to help Mustang's cause, but it seems terribly inadequate. I've failed him, despite how he's protested to the contrary. I'm now dependent on others to get places, and it bothers me to no end. Driving had been one of my duties, something I was good at, but I had also enjoyed it. I'll never dance with Sciezka on our dates or at our wedding, or stand with her at the altar and declare my love for her in front of our family and friends. I'll never carry her across the threshold; she'd probably have to open the door for me. She deserves so much more. We may never have children of our own, grandchildren for my parents to dote on. Even if we could, what kind of father would I be? I can't do most of the things that a father is supposed to teach a son. What I have to offer seems hopelessly inadequate. Why is Sciezka even with me? I can't give her half of what most men can. All of this loss because I had failed once on the battlefield, there had to have been some way I could have prevented this from happening. If I hadn't been so pathetic, I would have never fallen for Solaris and wouldn't have lost focus when I'd had to face Lust. I'd told Dr. Kohut that I blamed no one, I should have told him that the only person to blame was me."

After a few minutes the lines began to blur, my words becoming a jumbled mess. It was too soon for the sedative to have had an effect. Scrubbing my hands across my eyes the lines still refused to make sense, still didn't give me any clarity or relief. I heaved the notebook across the room and it hit the wall with a thud, a few pages fluttering to the floor when they were knocked loose by the impact.

I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling, my chest tight and breathing shallowly. Dusk fell and I still hadn't moved, still caught up in it all. I was knocked out of my stupor when I saw Sciezka kneeling on the floor, picking up the papers strewn across the floor and carefully putting them to rights. She crossed the room to stand near the bed and asked, "Rough day?"

Still in my panic induced stupor I refused to meet her gaze and flatly said, "I learned about the five stages of grief today. You've probably read about them."

She knelt next to the bed, took my hand and squeezed it, but said nothing.

I whispered, "Some intellectual in the North once said, 'The most painful state of being is remembering the future... "

I heard her stand up, and she lay down on the bed next to me and finished my sentence murmuring, "Particularly one you can never have."

Swallowing hard, still staring at the ceiling my mind failed me. I couldn't think of anything else to say except, "I died... I died that day."

Closing my eyes, since the ceiling had become as fuzzy as my notebook had been, I felt her arms wrap around me tightly and her small body pressed against mine as she tried to stop the shaking.

She was silent; there were no words to be said, so she just stayed with me in the dark.