Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Can it be? Teague's funeral? Probably not.

Broadcast 37

A sandy beach above the high-tide mark. A very sombre Honest Tom is adjusting his clerical collar. Willy Raven is clad in full mourning and weeping inconsolably. Likewise, the children are dressed in mourning black. The other members of the Misty Lady's crew are wearing black armbands. A black coffin with some of the younger children seated on it is sitting next to a pit in the sand. A filthy James Norrington is climbing out of the pit.

James: Oh the indignity… pressed into digging a grave for a pirate…

Willy Raven: You did volunteer to help us in any way needed when my poor papa expired before he could get back on his ship. Who would have thought that the great Captain Teague would choke to death on a piece of gingerbread… (dissolves into tears)

James: Well, I must be returning to my ship now… (sees an annoyed Bootstrap coming over)

Bootstrap Bill: What gives? What's taking so long – (sees the children and a weeping Willy Raven) Oh, is the former Code keeper joining us on the Dutchman?

James: Doubt it. He apparently died with both boots on land.

Honest Tom: Ye best git goin', Jamie. We'll take it from here.

The Dutchman's crew walks off and leaves the mourners.

Honest Tom: Ahem. (flips open Bible) Dear all, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our brother pirate and a father to pirates, Captain Edward Lazarus Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Code and a true man of honour…

Loads of thumping sounds coming from the coffin. Apparently, Teague is not as dead as the cortege believes.

Willy Raven: Shush, children! Stop kicking the coffin.

Redemption: It ain't us, mama…

Honest Tom: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… May we all live our lives as he did to the fullest before the mast and the sea she take our sorry carcasses when all's done with. Preserve us from the dreaded noose and blasted naval scallywags in Your infinite mercy, Lord… Amen. (closes Bible)

Willy Raven: We would also like to make use of this opportunity to announce that this is the last episode of the broadcast as my poor papa is no longer around to host it! (more tears)

More thumping from the coffin.

Honest Tom: Still, we have to make a proper last broadcast. First the news. Captain Teague has choked on a ginger snap and gone to meet his Maker. We regret that due to the recent heat wave, there will be no viewing as he already looks and smells bad enough without all that bloating and rot. Second, the interim keeper of the Code is his daughter, Wilhelmina Raven aka Willy Raven aka Wayward Willy aka Widow Willy…

Willy Raven: Uncle Tom, I think they get the point.

More thumps from the coffin such that the coffin is actually jumping slightly with the children trying to hold it down.

Honest Tom: Miz Willy will be sailing for the Cove shortly. Should any pirate feel himself a better keeper, they be welcome to challenge her for the rights within a year and a day, after which Miz Willy will be sworn in as the new Code-keeper.

Sri Sumbhajee comes along minus an arm and a leg.

Willy Raven: Are you here to challenge me already? And I thought those natives had you for dinner?

Sumbhajee: Their stomachs did not like my turmeric deodorant much. I'm not here to challenge the post of Code-keeper. I'm just here to spit on your old man's grave for leaving me with those savages.

Willy Raven: Get in line (waves to Senor Villeneuve, Ammand the Corsair and Gentleman Jocard who are already waiting their turn)

Gentleman Jocard: My death was prematurely reported and ruined my plan to trap those Somali dogs. And my wife thinks I am a zombie and refused to let me into her bed.

Senor Villeneuve: He ruined my big wedding day. So, what did he owe you, Ammand?

Ammand: Nothing… I know he's fond of his mangy mutt… So I am here to make sure the mutt joins him in the afterlife after hurting my poor kitty-cat. (holds up a pet-carrier, which is open) By the Sultan's beard! Where's that mutt?

Somewhere, Prison Dog is surfing the waves on a turtle.

Honest Tom: Er, we also apologise for misreporting and releasing the premature obits of the Pirate Lords Villeneuve, Ammand and Gentleman Jocard. They are alive and doing very well. Captains, would you like us to put in the coffin first or spit in the grave first?

Sumbhajee: Open up the coffin and let us spit on his face. He looked bad enough alive and can't look any worse dead.

Children obliged by hopping off the coffin, from which frenzied thumps are heard. A fist smashes through the lid. The entire cortege screams.

Honest Tom: He's alive! It's a miracle!

Gentleman Jocard: No, methinks he's been zombified.

Sumbhajee: Run fer yer lives. AAAHHH! (screams like a little girl)

Everyone flees the scene as a sweaty Teague finishes smashing his way through the lid and frees himself. Teague is alone on the beach.

Teague: Blisterin' barnacles! Thunderin' typhoons! Santa Maria! Doublecrossing ingrates! Backstabbing snakes! (whips out his pistols and lets fly)

The phone rings. Teague stops raging and cussing to answer it.

Lizzie: Captain T? Oh, I'm so glad you're alright. Oh, how did you find my cookies? Too sweet? Or bland?

Teague: Ma'am, your biscuits are superb but they just require that extra zing. Add more rum to the mix and you've a winner. Next call.

Mistress Ching: Boo-hoo-hoo. My hubby left me for some pretty young thing.

Teague: I can't blame him. Looky here, I'm not a marriage counsellor but I would encourage a return to your old profession of piracy. That is empowerment. Next!

Captaine Chevalle: Captain Teague, I need to borrow a few quid from you to get out of Debtors' Prison… The conditions here are intolerable and I think I might have caught fleas in my wig.

Teague: Sorry, I'm broke, mate. Play nice with the fleas.

Jack Sparrow: (calls in) My poor ship is gone all mini and stuck in a bottle.

Teague: To unshrink ships and get them out of a bottle, you need a trumpet, some mumbo-jumbo dance moves and 3 goats. Go to Honest Tom for more details.

Jack Sparrow: Oh, and there is this senorita I am hot on but I think she blames me fer her worthless old da's death.

Teague: She's probably right in doin' that. Ditch her on some island and git yer ass over to the Faithful Bride. I'm sure Giselle and Scarlett will happily slap ye silly. Goodbye, sonny.

Tia Dalma: Code-keeper, I call with grave warning… Watcha step.

Teague: If this is some wacko insurance telemarketing, I'm not buying. (hangs up) TOM! Where be ye, Tom? I need my rum- (doesn't see where he's headed and steps straight into open grave) Oh, bugger. Someone get me out of this hole! Help!

Author's Notes:

This is officially the finale of this series unless Disney produces a PotC 5.

Thanks for staying with me so long and I hoped you all enjoyed the wacky ride courtesy of our pirates, and a few not-so-honest men.