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Chapter 37

…

Amber

My heart dropped when Phil and I reached the psychiatric ward and the receptionist informed us that I would need to be on some kind of list to visit patients admitted to this ward. I gave her my name without much hope, but to my surprise the receptionist just went into her records with a "yeah, that's fine" and all of a sudden I am being escorted down the corridor by smiling nurse, awkwardly waving back at Phil who obviously wasn't allowed to come. I had just about enough sense to tell him to go home and that I'd text him later. As I am walking I become very aware that I am about to meet my mother for the first time and I am wearing fucking pajamas, slippers and a dressing gown. At least they are my own and not from the hospital; dad made sure to have Taylor deliver a few changes of bedclothes for me on my first day here. I try to run my fingers through my hair quickly, hopefully looking somewhat together even if I don't really feel like it.

"Here we are." The nurse says as we reach a small waiting area. "You wait here for a moment, I'll find out if Ms. Williams is able to see you."

I stand nervously, playing with the chord to my gray cashmere robe. At least I'm wearing the nice-looking cotton pajamas with the yellow stripes and not the cute flannel one with cupcakes on it. And my gray sheepskin slippers are sort of the same shade as the robe. I mentally slap myself for being so shallow right now. It shouldn't really matter, the woman I'm about to meet tried to abort me with a knife, damn it!

"Come on in, dear." The nurse is suddenly back, and her voice makes me jump. "There is another visitor with her at the moment, but Ms. Williams is happy for you to come in too. Just try not to upset her."

I have no idea if I can promise that, but clearly Leila is happy enough at the idea of my visiting to put me on her list. I'm not sure how I feel about there being someone else present for our first meeting though. I walk up to the open door the nurse is pointing to, and halt in the doorway since the first person I see is not my mother, but…

"Dad?" I breathe. Oh shit, he does not look pleased.

"Amber." He says, his lips a thin line. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Before I can come up with any kind of answer, a third voice chips in:

"Oh my god, you're so beautiful."

I look at the woman I assume must be Leila. She is terribly thin, with a hollow face and a big mass of dark soft hair – tangled at the moment but I can see it's just like my own.

"Hi" is all I manage to say and all of a sudden she bursts into tears, covering her face with her pale hands that look too big for her body. I look over at dad, who is still looking pissed off as he just rolls his eyes.

"Get together, Leila." He tells my mother harshly. "You wanted to see Amber, and now you've got your wish."

"Sorry, darling." Leila moves her hands away from her face, and smiles at me through the tears. Her teeth look like they haven't been properly taken care of in a while. "I'm so happy you've come, I tried to get to you but your father didn't want me to see you."

I look over at dad again, and apart from the anger there is now also a pretty pained look in his eyes. I don't know what to make of any of this.

"For a reason." Dad snaps at Leila. "This reason, in fact. You're not stable enough for this, and fuck knows Amber has had enough to deal with recently to have to meet you like this."

He turns his eyes to me briefly, and I know the look all too well. It means 'you and I will have a conversation about this later'. I cower slightly, even though I try not to.

"Jesus Christ, Amber, come inside." Dad sighs. "You're here now, so I guess we're doing this." He grabs one of the two chairs in the room and places it near the bedside. He cocks his head at it for me to sit down and I'm too confused right now to do anything else. I sit and look back at Leila, who is smiling at me as the tears keep running down her face. Dad brings up the other chair and sits down next to me.

"Right" He says. "Amber, this is the woman who gave birth to you. Leila, this is the child that very nearly didn't come to be thanks to you."

"Dad!" I burst out but he just shakes his head at me and crosses his arms. I turn back to Leila.

"Ehm, hi… Again." I don't know what else to say. "I'm Amber, like he said… Nice to meet you?"

I don't know if I actually think it is, but I guess it's what people say. Leila draws a seriously shaky breath and looks at Christian.

"You can go now." She tells him. "I'd like to spend time with Amber alone."

I can feel my eyes widen. Before I was worried about there being another visitor present for this meeting, but now I don't think I want to be left alone with Leila.

"Not a chance." Dad snorts and I let out a sigh of relief.

The nurse knocks on the door in that moment, informing us that visiting hours will be over in ten minutes. Ten more minutes of this, holy crap. I'm already exhausted. Leila reaches out and takes my hand suddenly, and I feel unbelievably uncomfortable. But I also feel like I can't withdraw it from her grasp, she is looking at me with her glossy eyes all desperate.

"Amber…" Her voice is thick like she's about to cry again. "Please believe me when I tell you it wasn't really me who did that horrible thing all those years ago. I was ill, I wasn't thinking straight…"

"What about this, then?" I ask her, genuinely curious. "Were you thinking straight when you tried to kill yourself for the… Whatever time in the order it was?"

Leila looks embarrassed.

"I stopped taking my medication." She mumbles. "Someone close to me died, and it reminded me about how I lost you and… It got too much."

She starts sobbing again, and I feel frustration and even anger rising in me. Christ, is this how dad's been feeling every time I've been crying like a baby lately? Though it isn't actually the crying itself that has triggered my frustration, it's what she said.

"You didn't lose me though." I mutter, and snatch my hand out of hers. "You tried to get rid of me. Because you couldn't have what you wanted with dad. Or is that a lie too?" I turn to dad, suddenly really pissed at him too. "I don't know which way's up, first you tell me she's dead and then she's lost and in Seattle somewhere but you don't know where? I'm so sick of everyone deciding for me what I'm like and what I can handle."

"Amber, calm yourself." Dad hisses but closes his eyes briefly to let out a quick sigh. "I was going to tell you." He says in a more gentle tone. "But the timing hasn't been right, with everything that's happened with you lately. I wanted to wait until things were more stable."

"You lying to me all my life is the reason things became unstable!" I am suddenly shouting, and the nurse appears like lightning in the doorway.

"Please, miss!" She cries. "If this is your idea of not upsetting the patient, I really must ask you to leave."

"With pleasure." I snap and stand up, a bit too fast and I have to grab the back of the chair to steady myself. "I'm fine!" I yell as dad shot up from his chair immediately to help, and I shake his hands off my shoulders as I straighten up.

"Bye Leila." I throw a final look at her before I turn to leave. "Hope you find yourself or whatever, but do make sure you lose me again."

I avoid dad's gaze as I run past the nurse and down the corridor towards my ward. Jim is there when I arrive, holding up the IV with an accusing look.

"I'll have to notify your dad about this, you know." He says then, suddenly almost apologetic. In the past few days Jim has seen how demanding Christian Grey can be.

"He already knows." I tell him, before I get into bed and hold my arm out so he can reattach the IV. "Please can you make sure I have no more visitors today? I'm really tired."

"Sure, sweetheart" Jim says after a moment. "Can I give you something to help you sleep."

"Yes please." I mumble, and as Jim goes to get me a sleeping pill I grab my phone from the nightstand to text Phil.

"It was a disaster, but I'm ok. Thanks for the help. Talk tomorrow? Amber x"

As I hit send, Jim comes back with the pill and my water. I swallow quickly, and hope that sleep finds me before dad comes storming in to yell at me. I'm surprised he hasn't already, considering the way I talked to him and the fact that I came to find Leila although he clearly didn't want me to. I wonder why he was there; he sure didn't seem to care about her enough to visit her voluntarily. I yawn and close my eyes, and let myself drift off.

…

Christian

I tried to follow Amber, but that damned nurse kept me back demanding to know what had happened. Of course I didn't tell her, it's none of her fucking business. When I leave Leila's room my hands are shaking, I'm so mad. That bitch. She is unstable, and I know it's an illness and can't all be blamed on her – as Flynn kindly keeps reminding me – but she has fucked things up for Amber just about enough for one lifetime. I am aware that I had a part in things going wrong recently, what with the way I handled things when she first found out about Leila. And for keeping her mother's true identity from her in the first place. But I have only ever tried to do what I have deemed to be in my daughter's best interest. Leila has only ever thought about herself and what she wants. She was like that during our time together as well. Inconsiderate and immature. I sigh as I leave the psych ward, realizing I need to collect myself before I go to see Amber. We have a few things to discuss, for example how she found out Leila was at the hospital and why the hell she thought it was acceptable to wander off from her room when she is still very sick. I want to have this conversation in a calm manner, and not give into my frustration and risk yelling at her. I feel like she's had enough of that lately. I take the elevator down to the ground floor and get myself a disgusting coffee from the cafeteria where Taylor has been posted all day. He looks at me quizzingly but I simply shrug and he understands straight away that I don't want to talk about it. He's worth every cent, that man. As I leave, I tell him:

"See what you can do about getting Amber released from here early. Go through my mother if need be."

"Sir." Taylor nods, and I leave him to it to go and speak with my daughter. In the elevator, my Blackberry pings and I groan as I see who the message is from. Anastasia. Fuck, I'd completely forgotten about her. I know she's aware of the situation with Amber through Kate and Elliot, who still haven't recovered enough from their fucking hangovers to come and see their niece in hospital, but I haven't been in touch with her apart from a brief message the morning after the party. Since then, Amber and worrying about Leila have taken up all my time. Before even reading Ana's message, I phone her up. She picks up straight away.

"Christian." She breathes. "How is she doing?"

"Amber is doing better, thank you Anastasia." I sigh. "How are you?"

"I'm fine" She sounds almost confused as to why I would ask. "Thanks. And yourself?"

I let out a laugh at our stilted conversation. Our coital adventures seem very distant at this moment.

"I'm all right." I am almost on the verge of telling her all about the fiasco with Leila, but why would she want to know? Anastasia should stay away from me and my fifty shades of fucked up.

...

When I get to the reception of the pediatric ward and explain I'm there to see my daughter, I am told she won't accept any further visitors tonight. What the fuck?

"I'm her father." I force a tight smile. "Surely that's not up to her as a minor."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Grey" the receptionist shrugs. "We leave it up to the patient to decide if they want to see anyone, even if they are minors."

I am less than pleased with Amber for taking advantage of the hospital to refuse to speak to me. She'll get an earful about it when she comes to her senses, that's for sure. All the more reason to get her home as soon as possible. I sigh, and run my fingers through my hair for the hundredth time today. While I am keen to dismiss it as teenage idiocy, the fact that Amber doesn't want to see me hurts. It's only a few days ago that she was crying in my arms on the way here, devastated that I hadn't trusted her to tell me the truth about what happened at the party. Well, I decide to myself as I go back down in the elevator, texting Sawyer to come and relieve Taylor so the latter can drive me home, I will just have to prove to Amber that this time I trust her. Trust her to let me know when she is ready to speak to me. I'm not sure I do, that kid values her independence more than I should like her to, but she obviously needs some time and right now that seems to be about the only thing I can give her. And I need… Well, what do I need? Oh, fuck it.

"Change of plans." I tell Taylor, who is at the front entrance to meet me. "Take me to Miss Steele's apartment."

In the car, I phone her up again.

"I'm picking you up in fifteen minutes." I tell her. "I want to show you my playroom."

I hear her short intake of breath before I hang up.