Chapter 35 – Lonely
EPOV
I couldn't help but pull her to me harder than I ever had before.
Leaving her standing in her new room in MY house ALONE had definitely been one of the hardest things I'd ever had to force myself to do, ever. Knowing she was in the house was fantastic, but leaving her, and the baby alone, went against everything I knew. I wanted them with me. With me. Being in the same house wasn't enough now. I thought just having them here, Bella out of the hospital, would be enough for a while. I thought that I'd grow to want more. I never expected to feel so fiercely about needing more than I had as I shut her door behind me and went up the stairs.
Telling her about the creaky stair had been a mistake. I could see that now. I'd had no advance warning that she was coming to me and the beat my heart had missed when I realised it could only be Bella knocking on my bedroom door I could never get back.
With her in my arms, in my bedroom finally, I could let myself relax a little. We clung to each other for the longest time. We just stood there, not speaking. There really was nothing to say. I didn't need her thanks and I definitely didn't want to have to explain my despair at leaving her downstairs, so just being quiet was enough. For now.
Eventually we had to let go and I was the first to do so. Not because I'd had enough of having her in my arms, but because if I didn't let her go we'd still be there, clinging to one another, in three days time if I didn't.
So I let her go and held her by her shoulders. I kissed her once more, very chastely, on the corner of her lips and then I pulled her further into the room. She stared wide eyed around her as she took in my space.
It was cramped still because Elizabeth's room next door was exactly the same as it had been while her mother was in the hospital. I'd been adamant about that. I wanted Elizabeth's things there. I needed them there. I knew it was ridiculous to have two nurseries in the house, but I couldn't part with her crib or her other little things just yet. I'd explained it to the family as Bella being able to have a plan B. That if taking care of Elizabeth became too much for her at any point I could have Elizabeth up here and Bella could get some rest. They seemed to believe me but the sparkle in my mother's eyes told a different story to the one coming from her lips. So I'd paid for another complete set of nursery furniture, and quite a bit more besides, so that there were now two fully stocked spaces that Elizabeth would be comfortable.
My sitting room was comfortable but nowhere near as modern as Bella's was now. It was also a bit dusty and unloved because I'd not been here for over a month. But Bella said she liked it and ran her hand lovingly over my piano as she went around the room. "Do you still play?"
I balked at that. I didn't know she knew I played at all, let alone 'still'. "Yeah," I tell her sheepishly.
A sweet smile crosses her lips before she speaks. "I used to love listening to you play. Sometimes when I stayed over with Alice you'd sneak up here and play, I wondered if you knew we could hear you, even in the yard. I always wondered if you really wanted to become a doctor or whether you wanted to play music."
I shift uneasily on my feet and plunge my hands into my pockets. "I didn't think you knew about her?" I nod towards the piano and Bella giggles a little.
"Her?"
"Yeah, she's a she. Always has been I guess. And I didn't know you could hear me out there."
"Well we could. You play beautifully. I think you do anyway, I don't know a lot about music though."
"I still play. I played to Elizabeth a few weeks ago," I admit self consciously.
Another beautiful smile lights up her face. "Will you play for me one day?"
"Of course," I say immediately. I always wanted to play for her. Almost all my own compositions had her in mind anyway.
"Where do you sleep?" she asks nervously, biting her bottom lip.
It's both adorable and very, very distracting. "Through there." I nod towards the connecting door and wait until she's through it before I join her in my bedroom.
Oh. My. God. Bella is finally, finally, in my bedroom!
Thankfully my bed is neatly made and my dirty clothes are hiding themselves in the hamper in the bottom of my closet so the room is fairly tidy. My backpack and its contents are on the floor, but other than that it's pretty presentable.
"And through there?" Bella nods to the next door and I smile weakly.
Am I ready to admit this to Bella? I guess I have no choice now. "See for yourself," I say and step aside to let her through the next door.
"Oh!" she exclaims loudly as she steps into Elizabeth's nursery. "Oh Edward," I hear her sigh.
I stay put. I can't look her in the eye just yet. She'll see right through me, she'll see the hurt I am holding on to because she's chosen to stay in the guest rooms and not here, with me. I don't want to put that onto her shoulders. She doesn't need that and I'm strong enough to hold onto it for myself, I hope.
She comes out of the room and right to me, taking both my hands into hers. "Will you miss her?" she asks softly and I nod. "Will you miss me?" she asks and I can only nod again. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I understand," I tell her softly with a little squeeze to the fingers on her left hand.
"I know you understand, but I'm still sorry." She raises her eyes to mine and all I can see in them is sadness.
I don't want her to be sad, I want her to be as happy as I am that she's here. "We have all the time in the world Bella. I don't want you to be sorry, I don't want you to think about me, just you and Elizabeth. I'm here if you need me and I'm not going anywhere."
"I want to be with you up here, I do, but Kerry thinks its best that we both have our own space for now," she mumbles, not altogether convincingly.
I rein in the chuckle that's building in my chest, instead I mumble my agreeance and let her go once again. "The baby monitor in Elizabeth's room downstairs is connected to the one in here, I'll hear you if you need me and I'll come running, I promise. We aren't that far apart."
She creases her brows and purses her lips at me. "You need to sleep too Edward, you don't want to be listening all night long for us," she says defiantly.
"Bullshit. I've slept beside you almost every night for a month Bella. All I did was listen out for you. If you call for me I'll be there, I promise."
"You'll be like a zombie at work," she sighs.
"I've got the next week off."
Her eyes are wide when she returns them to me. "Really? How can you do that? I mean, I've already cost you so much, you shouldn't waste your vacation time on us."
I can see the panic on her face and she's about ready to start belittling herself and telling me how she's either not worth it or isn't able to pay us back but I'm on it well before she has time to voice it.
"Again, bullshit. I have months of annual leave up my sleeve and I get paid to take it, so I took some. I want to be here, with you and Elizabeth, while you get used to this place. Besides, it's sort of like paternity leave," I laugh.
She looks sceptical but she accepts what I've said with barely a cringe this time. "I want you here, but not if it costs."
"It doesn't, so please just let me be here for you both." She nods but pulls her lip between her teeth again. "Don't do that baby, or at least let me do it," I chuckle.
I bend to her and take her bottom lip gently between mine, suckling it softly. She moans adorably into my mouth and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pushing herself tightly up against me.
I let one hand go to the small of her back, the other I thread into her hair and hold her. The kiss is languorous and wonderful. So full of intensity and need for us both. When she tugs on my hair I can't help but groan a little, which makes her shiver and pull it again. Round and round we go, our tongues dancing inside each other's mouth.
She's breathless as she pulls away. I whisper my love for her into her ear and gently kiss the lobe, mindful of the scar that's still healing there. She shivers again and I rain small kisses across her cheek and back to her mouth. I've only just recaptured her lips when a loud squeak emanates from the baby monitor on my bedside cabinet.
We pull apart instantly, as though we've been busted doing something we shouldn't, and we both look right to the monitor.
"I think that's for me," she giggles.
"I guess so," I laugh. "I'll be up here if you need me."
She plants one last kiss on my cheek and then she's gone, back to Elizabeth and her life downstairs.
I run a hand through my hair and sink down onto the edge of my bed. I think about what she's said up here and listen to her cooing softly to the baby downstairs.
I snatch my mail off the table and lie down to read it. More propaganda from drug companies, I file those in the bin. Another reminder for my ten year high school reunion. I don't throw that out but I put it back into its envelope and push it aside. A bill for the car insurance and two bills from the hospital. One for her ambulance ride and the first of Ambrose's bills. They're hefty but I don't care.
I don't care what her stay in hospital was going to cost, it was worth every cent. The renovations and the new nursery were the same. I just want them comfortable and safe. That's all. If I had to work until I was seventy to pay for it all I would. Not that that was likely.
My bank statement said I had plenty of cash on hand to pay for the renovations and the nurseries and for most of Bella's hospital stay too. I was likely to only fall short by a few thousand and that could be skimmed from interest some of my investments made each month. I opened my laptop and logged onto my bank. In a few minutes I'd transferred enough cash to cover all the likely bills from the hospital and a little extra to cover Elizabeth's paediatric bills and the therapy bills Bella would accrue over the coming weeks.
Luckily I didn't have to dip into my savings and I didn't have to cash out any investments, just use the interest. I had a sizeable nest egg already, but as I listened to Bella talk softly while Elizabeth fed I decided that savings wasn't as important as providing for my new family.
Hoping it wasn't too late I dialled my bank and asked to speak with the manager.
BPOV
Never having owned a baby monitor it came as a complete surprise that I could hear Edward up in his room as well as I'd heard Elizabeth cry earlier.
Until I heard him speak all I'd been able to make out was him moving about and the intermittent rustle of papers.
When I heard him announce himself I figured he was on the telephone. He asked for the manager and then I heard him enquire how he'd go about setting up a trust account for a child.
I held my breath when I heard him arrange for three new accounts. One in Elizabeth's name, one in Joshua's and one in mine. I wanted to protest, loudly, but if I did he'd realise I'd been eavesdropping on what was obviously a private call.
I swallowed the squeak of surprise when he announced how much he'd like to transfer into each account and tried my best to concentrate on Elizabeth. It wasn't easy. While I knew that doctors made a good amount of money I didn't have any idea that Edward had access to the kinds of numbers he quoted.
It made me feel both safe and sorry all at once. I knew I wanted to be with him and that had nothing to do with money, I'd take him poor rich or otherwise, and while that sort of money would mean Elizabeth would never need for anything I already felt guilty about the amount he'd spent so far.
I couldn't talk to him about it either, he'd know for sure how I knew and then he'd disconnect the tenuous link we shared with the baby monitor. I wasn't ready to be that separate from him yet, so for now I'd have to keep quiet about what I knew.
That first night in the Cullen house was the first night I'd gone to bed not worrying about what tomorrow would bring for as long as I could remember. I was safe, warm and fed. And so was Elizabeth.
Edward had insisted on cooking for the two of us once Elizabeth was fat and asleep again and while it was amusing to watch him in the kitchen I was on tenterhooks the whole time. He might use his hands to heal and his long, long fingers to make beautiful sounds with his piano, but the chefs of the world were completely safe from him ever taking any serious excursions into their domain!
The first lot of eggs were burnt to cinders, the second were a little better but the blackened char on the bottom of the pan meant that even though they weren't actually burnt they tasted like they were. I didn't care that much, they were warm and I was hungry.
With toast and a nice hot cup of tea the meal was completed with small conversation about nothing in particular.
Afterwards Edward showed me the rest of the house, including the pool house and the sunroom that was filled with Esme's adored plants. He showed me how to use the controller for the garage door and gave me a grand tour of the keyboard beside the kitchen door. Each set of keys was named and each had its own hook. He pointed to a set of keys with his name on them and said they were for the red sedan in the garage. He said he rarely drove that car and that it was now mine to use whenever I wanted to.
I balked and argued but he wouldn't hear it. He even went so far as to relabel the keys with my name and with a defiant snap to his wrist he hung them back on their hook, end of discussion.
It had been more than a year since I last drove a vehicle and whilst I didn't know exactly what sort of car it was I was betting it wasn't anything like my battered old red truck at Charlie's. Not that that was mine either. It belonged to my father and I'd left it behind when I'd married Jake.
Even if I did manage to get behind the wheel and work out what I was doing I had nowhere to drive to anyway. I had no friends other than Cullen's and most of them came and went at the house all the time anyway, according to both Edward and Esme.
Esme returned from dinner alone, Carlisle having gone on to the hospital for his usual shift, so Edward excused himself while his mother showed me the finer points of her house.
The laundry was our first stop and she showed me how to work the controls on the washer and dryer and also how to set the hot cupboard to steam. I'd never heard of one of those before but she assured it me it was wonderful and almost all of Elizabeth's clothes were hung in there to dry because they were so small and took so little time.
She walked me through my rooms and showed me how to set the climate control for the central heating and also for the air conditioning. She showed me where the linens were kept, where the cleaning products were stored and how to lock and unlock the windows for myself.
She took me through the kitchen and showed me where everything was stored. She showed me how to use the dishwasher and which settings she preferred. She told me that I should feel free to cook whatever I liked whenever I liked. She showed me her extensive collection of cookbooks and the shopping list pad that was stuck to the refrigerator by a magnet. She told me that I could write anything I liked on it at any time, that I shouldn't feel the need to ask and that she'd take me to the grocery store when she went on Wednesday morning.
By the time she headed off to bed I was exhausted. She kissed me and hugged me and said to call for her if I needed her in the night. I assured her that I would but vowed that I wouldn't need anyone.
I showered in my new bathroom and dried my hair with the hair dryer someone had thoughtfully bought for me. I dressed in a nightgown I'd worn in the hospital before but had since been cleaned and pressed. I brushed my teeth with a new toothbrush and pulled the covers back on my bed for the first time.
The sheets were stiff and cold when I first got in and while I missed Edward I was happy to be safe and so close to my baby after so long.
With one last glance at the clock I closed my eyes and wished for sleep.
EPOV
I showered when she showered. I was unwilling to listen to the water run in the seclusion of my bedroom. Knowing she was in there, in MY house, naked...it was too much for me.
When she turned the water off I turned mine off. I dressed in sleep pants and a t-shirt when normally I'd sleep naked in my own bed because if I needed to get up to either of them in the night I didn't want to have to stop to dress first.
I tried to concentrate on patient notes for a while but I kept getting distracted. At one point I had to ditch an entire page of notes because I'd written music notes instead of clinical notes on it! That meant another half an hour transcribing the parts I did need to keep onto a fresh page and then another half an hour finishing my observations. I gave that up as a bad joke at about ten.
I tried reading. I tried watching television. I tried listening to the radio and then my iPod but I found myself pulling an ear bud out over and over because I'd imagined some sound coming from the monitor and I didn't want to miss it.
At eleven I turned the light out but sleep was illusive. At eleven thirty my mother turned her light off and at one my father arrived home. I heard him run the tap and then boil the kettle. I listened as he filled his coffee mug and as he padded up the stairs to his study. I heard him close the door and walk up the next flight of stairs to his room and then I laid there listening to him snore for another hour before I finally felt tired.
While I laid there, trying to convince myself I needed sleep, I listened for any sign of either Elizabeth's or Bella's distress but heard nothing other than the soft snuffling of the baby as she slept. I lay awake for hours just waiting for something, anything, that would alert me to their state of mind. I didn't want either of them to need me, but I did...it made no sense and yet, at the same time, it was perfectly logical to me.
My bed was cold and lonely and I desperately wanted to pad down the stairs and slide in next to Bella, but I couldn't. We'd all promised her that we'd not enter her space unless we were invited and I couldn't break that promise. Her sense of safety was paramount at this stage of her recovery and I wouldn't do anything to set her back now.
So I just laid there. Elizabeth woke at four and I told myself that I'd give it an entire two minutes before I did anything about it. If Bella didn't hear her I'd go to her, but only after a full two minutes. I didn't get to one.
I heard Bella's sweet voice float up from the monitor and Elizabeth quieted straight away. I listened as Bella spoke gently to her while she changed her diaper and again as she heated the bottle that Elizabeth had woken for. I could hear the gentle creaking of the rocking chair as Bella soothed her baby and got her back to sleep.
When Elizabeth was once again in her crib I listened as Bella whispered her love to the snuffling infant and then her soft footfalls as she once again left the room. I threw an arm over my head and tried my best to get back to sleep, but it wasn't going to be easy. Knowing she was down there, alone, did my head in.
I couldn't even stretch out in the bed because I was so used to sharing a tiny one with Bella. My body and brain knew she should be here, right beside me, and it kept me to the one edge the whole night.
Just when I'd convinced myself that I'd done the right thing in leaving her alone I heard her footsteps through the monitor again.
I took my arm off my head just in time to hear a whispered 'I miss you' before her retreating footsteps took her back to her own bed.
BPOV
I'd made two plates of pancakes – one blueberry and one plain – before anyone else in the house stirred.
I had no idea if Carlisle was home yet, or even if he came home between his nightly shift and his morning obs, but I made enough for him just in case.
It was just gone eight o'clock and I'd fed and changed Elizabeth and tidied both our rooms before coming out into the house.
Elizabeth was lying on the floor in front of the glass double doors sunning herself in the mottled light. She gurgled and kicked while I cooked.
It had been a long, long time since I'd been able to cook for myself or for anyone else. I'd never lost the ability, just the means. With no ingredients it hadn't mattered that I'd had more than enough time to cook. It had just been impossible.
But now I had a magnificent kitchen and willing takers for what I wanted to cook. I took Esme at her word and investigated the contents of the pantry and the refrigerator before deciding that I wanted to make pancakes.
I'd kept the mess to a minimum and made sure that each dish and spoon I used was washed and in the dish rack before she came downstairs. I fried a few strips of bacon in a pan on the stovetop and set them on paper towel while I went in search of maple syrup and bread. I made toast and piled it high on another plate and set it all onto the countertop by the high stools in readiness for everyone to come and eat.
I was sitting on the floor talking quietly with Elizabeth when Esme came downstairs. She wished us both a good morning and was full of praise for the spread that awaited her. She told me I shouldn't feel obligated to cook for the whole family and said that if I didn't feel like it I should just cook for myself or Elizabeth.
"I didn't mean to mess up your routine," I tell her sadly as she takes the first bite of pancake.
"Oh my god, these are delicious!" she crows as she rolls another pancake up and dips it into the maple syrup. "And you aren't messing with any routine dear girl. I just don't want you to think you're here to do anything for us, you just do what you're comfortable with."
Carlisle follows soon after and pours himself a cup of coffee from the machine on the bench. He takes a long sip then goes to Esme. He kisses her lightly on her temple and says a throaty good morning. Next he comes to where I'm sitting with Elizabeth, by the doors, and leans down to kiss me and say good morning to us both.
"Did you sleep well?" he asks as he takes a place at the counter.
"Not really, no." I admit. "But Elizabeth did."
With his mouth half full of pancakes he tells me how good they taste and wishes me a better night tonight.
"What have you got planned for today Bella?" Esme asks as she takes a strip of bacon.
"Nothing really."
"I don't know what Edward has planned, ahh, here he is, sleeping beauty himself. Good morning darling. Bella's made breakfast, look," Esme says, waving her hands across the counter at the plates. Her sentence is never finished and she continues with her meal.
Edward looked like shit. His hair was all over the place – even more than it usually was – and he'd obviously just gotten out of bed. He was still in his sleep pants and was rubbing his stomach idly.
"Morning," he growls at nobody in particular.
He comes right to me, but instead of a kiss he pats me on the head. My stomach drops. He doesn't even bother to say good morning to Elizabeth. A pat on the head? What is that? Am I a dog?
I watch, silently, as he crosses the room and does as his father did. He takes a long swig of the coffee and then comes back around the counter. I expect him to sit beside his mother, the only empty seat, but he doesn't. He puts his mug on the floor then sits cross legged right behind me. He unfolds his legs once he's on the ground and then he slides across the shiny timber floor until he's right behind me. He scoots again and then I feel him up against my back. He leans his head on the back of my shoulder and sighs. "Good morning beautiful girls. Thank you for breakfast," he mumbles.
My slight anger and the frustrations of the night before melt away when I feel him. I relax into him and feel the heat of his skin against mine. It had been a hellish night without him and at least now I didn't have to wonder if he'd missed me. I could feel it in his bones. The way he held me around my waist, his long fingers stroking my belly softly told me so.
"Good morning," I whisper back.
Nobody says anything. Carlisle and Esme continue to eat their breakfast as if we aren't there. Edward's display of affection, and his obvious lack of sleep, goes without comment for the longest time. I talk quietly to Elizabeth as she flails her arms and legs in the small stream of sunlight coming through the doors. Edward mumbles now and then, but our conversation is limited to grunts and the odd moan from Edward as he shifts himself on the floor.
Carlisle excuses himself to retrieve the newspaper and is soon back with it unwrapped. He spreads it out on the counter and passes Esme a section. They read silently for a while but every now and then one or the other passes comment about something they've read and they chat amiably for a few seconds before returning their attention the paper.
Edward stays put. Before long he's snoring against my back and I can't help but giggle. Esme smiles to herself now and then but Carlisle doesn't even look up.
"I guess that answers the question of how he slept," Esme chuckles.
"He's got the monitor switched on in his room, I hope Elizabeth didn't keep him up," I whisper.
"You," Edward mumbles behind me.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be loud," I tell him. I'm horrified that I've kept him awake. "I'll do better," I tell him.
He huffs a little and lifts his head from my back. "Don't do better, you're perfect," he mumbles. I feel his lips kiss me lightly on the back of my neck and his arms cross over my stomach a little more so he can hold me tighter. "Can't sleep without you," he says petulantly.
Esme giggles and Carlisle excuses himself from the table. "I'm off for morning rounds. I'll see you all at eleven. Bye darling," he says as he kisses Esme. "Bye girls. Edward, a word son."
Edward sighs but gets up to follow his father out of the room. I hope he's not going to get a lecture about our sleeping habits, but I figure he is. I am a married woman, after all, and not married to Edward.
EPOV
I follow dad out to the front porch. "What's up?" I ask as he slips his newspaper into his briefcase.
"I know you know, but Bella is a guest here Edward. You can't bribe her into sharing your room with you and you shouldn't guilt her into it either. I'm sorry you didn't sleep well but you have to let them be," he says firmly.
"Is this an 'I don't want any funny business under this roof young man' lecture or what?" I ask nastily.
He sighs and I know I've hurt his feelings. "No, it's not. You're adults and what goes on between closed doors, either hers or yours, is your business. But, she's not completely healed either physically or mentally and I think if you rush this you're making a mistake. I want you to remember, whenever you are with her, that the only relationships with males that she's had have come at a sexual price."
I run my hand through my hair and squint against the sun. "I know that, jeez, give me some credit. She only asked how I slept, I was honest."
"A little less honesty and a little more self control I think, son." He looks up into the sky and then turns back to me. "My advice is to go slowly. You've got the rest of your lives to be intimate. If you rush this she'll panic and leave. I know you don't want that, but neither do your mother and I. The best advice I can give you is to go slowly."
"Yeah, I know you're right. I do," I sigh. I run my hand through my hair again and shift my weight to my other foot. "It's just...hell I don't know...I've waited a lifetime for her dad and she's finally here. It's hard to temper that."
He smiles and puts his hand on my shoulder. The gesture is comforting, strangely. "I know. But I think your patience will win out in the end. Use your time wisely. Teach her a little, spend some time doing normal things, show her what it means to be a family with you and Elizabeth. Any plans you have for your physical relationship can wait."
With that eloquent piece of advice he smiles, nods once then goes down the steps and into his car. I wave but its half hearted.
"I don't have any fucking plans," I mutter darkly as I go inside and take the stairs two at a time until I'm in my own bathroom.
The shower wakes me up a little and the funk I'd been feeling from only three hours sleep has worn off a little by the time I get back to the kitchen. Bella is drying the breakfast dishes while mom feeds Elizabeth in one of the kitchen chairs.
"Feel better?" she asks as I slide onto a stool.
"Yeah, thanks. Any breakfast left by chance?" I ask with a smirk at Bella. It had smelled fucking divine before.
She smiles and pulls a plate from the oven. She slides it across the counter to me and puts a clean knife and fork down on either side of it. "I kept you some."
"Thank you," I tell her and dig in. The pancakes are superb and I tell her so. The bacon is crispy, just the way I like it, and while the toast is cold now it's got tonnes of butter on it. I thank her a dozen times while I eat and by the time I'm done she's beaming. I take my plate to the sink and pull her to me. "I love it when you smile," I tell her before kissing her softly.
"You taste of maple syrup," she giggles.
I raise and lower my eyebrows at her. "Kiss me harder and I'll tell you what you had for breakfast." All thoughts of what dad had said flee my brain as she smiles.
She swats at my forearm and pulls away. "Did you really like it?" she asks as if she's unsure.
"I loved it. Don't tell mom, but your pancakes are heaps better than hers."
"Hey, I heard that." Mom laughs.
"Sorry, but it's true." I wash and dry my plate and cutlery while Bella takes Elizabeth from mom. "What's on the agenda today?" I ask. Bella is bouncing Elizabeth in her arms and I can see she's uneasy about the question. She has no idea how to just be. "I have some ideas if you want to hear them?"
"Sure."
"We could walk for a bit, while the weathers good. Or we could go into town, do some shopping. We can swim, watch a movie, visit Alice or Rosie or nothing at all. You choose," I tell her as I put my plate back in the cupboard.
She's biting her bottom lip and is looking from me to mom and back again.
"You two do whatever you'd like, I've got some sewing to do upstairs. Let me know if you'll be home for dinner." And with that mom leaves us to it.
"So, what do you think?" I ask Bella as I take Elizabeth from her. I put the baby over my shoulder and pat her bottom. She burps like a truck driver and makes her mother laugh. It's glorious. "Delicate, isn't she?" I laugh.
"She wouldn't burp for me," Bella huffs good naturedly.
"I have a magic touch with the ladies," I scoff. Bella's face falls and I realise I've put my foot in it somehow. "It's just a turn of phrase Bella."
She nods and quickly recovers the smile she had before. But it's got no real light behind it. Tempering my physical reactions to her are going to be just as hard as tempering my big fucking mouth!
"She's just thrown up down your back. Yep, magic touch with the ladies alright," she howls with laughter and I cringe.
At least the laughing was genuine this time.
BPOV
I take Elizabeth into my bathroom and clean her up. I feed her the last half of the bottle she'd started earlier and then I put her to bed in her new crib. She goes right to sleep and doesn't move an inch.
Edward had to shower again, and change his clothes again, so while he was in his bathroom I crept into his room and gathered his dirty clothes. I find his hamper in the bottom of his closet and stuff all of them into it. I drag it back down the stairs and into the laundry room. It takes me a minute to remember the instructions Esme told me the night before, but before long I've got a load washing on and another sorted and ready to go in straight after.
Edward finds me there and berates me for doing his chores for him. I tell him I'm happy to do it, especially since it's my baby who threw up on him in the first place.
"Ours, she's ours," he tells me sternly and I smile and nod. "That's better. Now, if she's asleep that limits us to indoor activities. Name your poison," he says.
I can't help but giggle. I know what I want, but being able to ask for it is another matter entirely. "Um, I guess we could watch a movie?" I ask cautiously.
What I really want is for him to curl up on my bed with me and sleep, but I can't ask for that. Not if he's just gotten a lecture from his father about our sleeping arrangements anyway.
"Done, you lead," he says with a smug smile.
I lead us to my room and while Edward gets comfortable on my new sofa I choose a movie. My nerves are tingling with anticipation just because this is the closest we've been to each other since last night. It's not normal for us. We've spent so much time alone together, in my hospital room, that being this far apart all the time feels foreign. I flick through the DVD's and finally just decide to play eenie meenie minee moe. I put the disc into the player and leave it to Edward to turn both the player and the television on.
When the opening credits start we are sitting side by side with about a foot between us on the sofa. His arm is lying flat against the back of the chair and he could touch me if he wanted to, but he doesn't.
I stifle my sigh and get set to watch the movie.
It's something about vampires and it starts off kind of slow with a shy, dark haired girl who's starting at a new school. I can kind of empathise with her. She looks about as lost as I feel.
A few minutes in Edward does finally touch me. He lets his fingers drift down off the chair back and they begin to play with my hair. Softly he winds strands of it around his fingers then lets it go, over and over, it's almost hypnotic. I let myself slip down in the seat a little and Edward unhooks his feet where they were crossed at the ankle and does the same. I worry that at this angle his fingers will fall asleep but he doesn't make any move to bring his arm back to his side of the sofa.
"Come here, baby," he whispers softly.
I don't take my eyes off the screen but scoot myself over to his side more fully. Now he wraps his arm completely around my shoulder and holds me close.
I can smell his soap and deodorant from this close. His fingers begin to stroke me again and I can feel myself getting warmer and warmer. Very, very hesitantly – and keeping him in my peripheral vision the whole time – I put my hand on his jean clad thigh. He smiles, a little smugly from what I can see, but says and does nothing else.
A little more of the film passes and by the time the girl has the guts to actually talk to the guy and ask him what his problem is I can feel myself leaning against Edward more and more. I don't mean to do it, it just happens as I get sleepier and sleepier.
"You lead," he whispers and I smile.
I curl my fingers into the flesh of his thigh and feel him stiffen. I hope he'll tell me if I'm hurting him, or if he doesn't like what I do, and keep rubbing my hand back and forth. Every now and then his fingers tighten on my shoulder as I let my hand travel up and down his thigh.
I get cramp in my fingers after a little while but I can't bring myself to move or change position in case I disturb the pleasant atmosphere we have going. So I let my hand still and just leave it on his thigh for a while. It isn't long before he's snoring again.
I decide to take full advantage of the situation and try very hard to reef the throw rug off the arm of the sofa and drape it around us both without waking him up. It works.
The last thing I remember is the soft kiss to my hair he gives me before sleep overtakes us both.
EPOV
I wake with a jolt and Bella squeaks.
Elizabeth is somewhere and she's crying, loudly. I shake my head and try to get some clarity of thought. Right. I'm in Bella's room and she's asleep on my chest.
We've slipped down the sofa and somehow we've assumed the exact same position as we had in the hospital bed. Me on the bottom sweating like a racehorse, Bella across my chest with all the blankets.
"Bella," I say quietly hoping she'll wake without a fright. "Bella," I say a little louder when she doesn't rouse.
I'm about to try again when mom comes into the room shushing me. "Let her sleep, I'll go," she whispers and disappears into Elizabeth's room.
I wipe some sweat off my forehead and rewrap Bella with my arms. I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes. I want rid of the blanket but don't want Bella to wake. So I suck it up and just lie still, loving the feeling of her finally close enough to me again that I can feel and hear her breathe.
I hear mom softly cooing to Elizabeth and then her footsteps as she takes the baby out into the house.
It's dark in the room the next time I wake up. Bella is still there, on my chest, but she's waking up too. She rubs her eyes with the back of her hand and sits up gingerly. She stretches and I can tell she's as stiff as I am from sleeping on the cramped sofa.
"Hey," she whispers as I too get up into a sitting position.
"Hey," I whisper back. "Feel better?" I ask.
"So much better," she says sweetly. "Did Elizabeth sleep right through?"
"No, mom came and saw to her a couple of hours ago." I tell her as I get up and stretch fully.
I rub my stomach as it growls and Bella giggles. "Time to feed the human," she laughs.
The movie had been okay. Bit of a chick flick even if the vampires were pretty cool. "Good call," I laugh at her Twilight reference. "You check Elizabeth, I'll see what mom's cooking."
She nods and goes through to Elizabeth's room. She's back in a heartbeat, panic on her face. "She's not there."
"Come on, she won't be far." I take her hand and lead her out into the kitchen where I can smell something delicious cooking.
I spot Elizabeth straight away because Alice has her. She's standing in the archway between the dining room and the kitchen and she's rocking back and forth with her like I've seen Bella do.
Bella goes right to her and I stop just long enough to plant a kiss on my sister's head before heading on into the kitchen to greet the others.
They're all there. Emmett and Angus are at the counter colouring and Jasper is standing off to the side talking with Rosie. Mom's at the stove, like always, glass of wine in hand.
I look at the clock on the wall by the door and see that it's nearly six. "Sorry mom," I tell her as I take the tea towel from her shoulder and start to wipe the dishes in the sink.
"Don't worry about it, you both needed the rest," she tells me. "Dinner's in ten minutes you lot," she calls through the house.
Everyone comes into the kitchen and soon the conversation turns to Bella's first night at home. I watch her beautiful face as she kisses and thanks my brother for all his work on the renovations. Her eyes are sparkling as she thanks Alice then Rosie for all they've done and as she moves towards Jasper she flicks her eyes to mine for half a second before she hugs and kisses him too. I don't know what the look was for exactly, but I can guess that she's more unsure of Jasper than she is everyone else. He's not technically a Cullen and he's the one she knows the least. I hope she'll overcome that with time and I know that Jasper is as trustworthy with her as the rest of us. My dad's words this morning ring in my ears.
Give her some space and let her be.
So I do. I don't hover, I don't go to her, I sit at the counter and talk with my family. But I keep one eye and one ear trained on Bella.
BPOV
I've never enjoyed a meal more in my entire life. Not because of the food, but because of the family.
At six on the dot, just like Edward told me it would happen, Carlisle came through the front door ready for his dinner.
Everyone had an assigned place except me and for a second I was panicked that I'd be left out, but Esme led me to a seat beside Edward and then she lowered Elizabeth into a little low rocker beside me. "She doesn't mind it and she's sat with us, this way, almost every night darling," she tells me kindly.
I thank her and feel Edward's hand on mine in my lap. I give it a little squeeze, smile down at my daughter and then turn my attention back to the table.
It's almost the same as when we were kids, though we had a few extras this time. The biggest difference though is that I'm finally sitting next to Edward. Where I'd always wanted to be. Alice threw me a knowing smile and I winked back. She knew. She knew exactly what I was thinking.
Alice and Jasper sit opposite Edward and I and Rosie and Emmett side further down, side by side. Angus is beside Edward and beyond him is a spare seat. Carlisle sits at the head of the table and opens a bottle of wine while Esme brings the food to the table. I want to get up and help but Edward tells me this is her 'thing' and I should let her be. So I do.
When all the food is on the table Carlisle asks us all to join hands and I offer my hand to Esme who sits on my left, Edward keeps my hand in his under the table and gives his other hand to Angus. Carlisle says grace and then the table erupts into conversation.
"I saw Pastor Weber in town today, he sends his best wishes," Alice tells me as she reaches for the peas.
"Angus has finally mastered the letter A today," Rosie tells Carlisle.
"Did you see the scores from last night bro?" Emmett asks Jasper and they begin to dissect whatever game they'd both watched the night before.
"Don't hog the gravy Unca Ed," Angus chuckles to Edward.
"I'll swap you a potato for more meat McFarty Pants," Edward bribes Angus.
Rosie rolls her eyes at the nickname but goes back to talking with Carlisle about growth spurts and learning bell curves.
"I'll show you how to make this meatloaf Bella, Edward loves it," Esme says as she piles my plate high with vegetables.
"Thank you," I whisper.
Her hand covers mine for a moment and then she smiles. "You're welcome darling. Welcome home. Eat up or Emmett will start stealing before you're finished." She laughs.
"You've been warned sissy," Emmett grins across the table at me as he points his knife at my dinner. "I've got my eye on your peas girly," he chuckles.
I quickly scoop up a forkful and start chewing. Out of the corner of my eye I see Esme's foot sneak out from under the table. She puts just her toes onto the bar at the base of Elizabeth's little seat and gives it a little push. The chair starts rocking and Elizabeth starts smiling.
I eat everything on my plate and hold my own in conversation.
When the meal is done and Esme excuses herself to collect dessert Edward puts his arm across the back of my chair and leans in conspiratorially. "If you let me have some of your pie I'll give you my ice cream," he winks.
I stare up into his gorgeous green eyes and grin. "Nothing doing, I've promised my pie to Angus, haven't I?" I wink at Angus and hope he plays along.
"Yeah Unca Ed, keep your mitts off my pie!" he squeals.
Emmett bellows his laughter and tilts his glass to me. "Well played sissy, you're going to fit in fine, just fine. Welcome to Club Cullen!" he crows.
Half a dozen voices echo his statement welcoming me to Club Cullen. There is one lone voice, much more childlike than the others, that can be heard right at the end.
"Can I go to Club Cullen too? Is there video games?"
We laugh our way through the entire dessert.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading.
Reviews are most welcome. I actually am finding I need the feedback at the moment. Things are tough in the real world so I'm needing a little encouragement to write. Thanks to everyone who's checked in with us, and wished us well.