Chapter Notes
Well, this update has been a long time coming, in a lot of ways, so needless to say it's been a tough one to write. I hope it's not too tough to read. Not a lot of funny in this one folks...
ENORMOUS love, affection and dry-humps go out to my Beta-Goddess and friend, Catty-Wan. I love you, baby. Thank you for you undying love and support.
Huge gropes to mah Goonie-Girls, Miztrezboo and Iamaliveandfree for pre-reading this beast for me. I love youse soooo maaaarch. Bitch fuckers.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Twilight characters. I do own a six-pack of alcohol-laced cupcakes and I'mma be chowing down on them while I wait for the reaction to this chapter to blow over.
Enjoy.
Chapter 35 - Confrontation
BPOV
The whole world seemed to go into silent slow motion as I lunged towards the woman who had destroyed my self-esteem, let my childhood get beaten out of me one black-eye at a time, and waited three fucking years before trying to track me down and apologize for the world of torment and humiliation she had driven me to.
Time stretched and pulled around me, the dull roar of the street sounds fading into nothing as pure fury pulsed through my veins.
My fist clenched and pushed slowly through the air, arcing up and back before plunging forward toward her traitorous, pathetic face. The skin on my knuckles tingled furiously as I imagined the sweet satisfaction of my fist connecting with the edge of her jaw, offering me some small amount of payback for the countless swollen jaws I had endured on her miserable, ungrateful behalf.
Her eyes widened as she saw me coming toward her, a brief flash of fear flickering in her eyes before the dull sheen of acceptance washed over her. She closed her eyes and jutted her chin out, seemingly welcoming my violent retribution.
She wanted me to hit her.
That fact alone nearly made me stop in my tracks, but the desire to deny her anything she wanted was momentarily outweighed by my desire to cause her physical harm, and a vicious smile spread across my face as my fist closed in on her ridiculous, resigned features.
"Bella, no!"
Suddenly strong arms were wrapped around me and a cry of frustration ripped out of my chest as my fist was pinned to my side and I was pulled away.
I saw Renee's eyes open as she watched Edward drag me backwards and I could swear I saw disappointment in their brimming depths.
"Get her upstairs," I heard Alice say softly as I continued to struggle against Edward's vice-like grip.
He lifted me off the ground and carried me through the doors of the lobby, only putting me down when he got to the elevators, keeping one arm around me as he reached out and pushed the call-button.
I shoved him away and tried to make my way back outside, but he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into the elevator, pressing me against the wall with the weight of his body as the door closed.
I squirmed and grunted.
"Bella, stop!"
"Get off me!" I cried as I struggled against him. "My darling mother wants to apologize to me! The least I can do is listen while she groans in pain!"
"Bella...you know that's not going to solve anything. Have you learned nothing from me and my talent for mindless violence?"
"This isn't mindless violence, Edward!" I yelled desperately, "This is mindFUL violence. I'm mindful of the fact that I'm going to feel a whole lot better once I've smacked that heinous bitch in the head a few times."
"You won't," he insisted, grabbing my wrists as I pushed at his aggravatingly immovable chest.
"Yes, I will," I grunted, grinding my teeth with the effort of trying to push him away from me.
He lifted his weight off me and cursed under his breath, his eyes blazing and angry.
"Well, if that's what you really think, Swan, then go ahead. Don't let me stop you. Go and pour all your hurt and frustration and pain into beating your own mother. I won't stop you."
He opened the doors to the elevator and pulled me roughly back out into the lobby.
"There you go," he spat, pushing me forward. "Walk over and punch the hell out of her, if that's what you really want."
"Edward..."
"No, go on! Lower yourself to her level, Bella. Hurt her like she hurt you. That's what you want, isn't it? That's going to heal your wounds, right?"
I shuffled shamefully from foot to foot as I looked out the glass doors.
Renee was talking with Emmett and Jasper as Alice tried to disperse the remaining Screamers. It looked like Renee was crying. Emmett put a meaty hand on her shoulder and leaned in, obviously trying to console her.
A sharp pang of emotion jolted through me, making my throat close up as I fought a sudden need to go and comfort her.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I wanted to vomit.
"Get in the goddamn elevator, Cullen," I muttered as I retreated back into the car, fighting my rising bile.
I slumped against the wall and crossed my arms over my chest as Edward pressed the button for our floor.
Suddenly, I heard running, and a hand shot through the doors, forcing them to bounce open noisily.
"Bella, wait!"
Emmett stepped over the threshold, looking at me warily.
Fuck.
I knew what was coming.
"No, Emmett," I said before he had a chance to speak.
"Bella, look I know that your Mom showing up here is...unexpected...but...maybe you should take the time to sit down with her...listen to what she has to say."
"I'm not interested in what she has to say," I spat, "No doubt she'll spout some bullshit excuse for her behavior, but I'm beyond fucking caring about the reasons why she did what she did."
"No you're not," he said gently, "That's your problem."
"Jesus, Emmett, do NOT fucking psycho-analyze me right now!! I'm REALLY not in the goddamn mood!"
Edward tensed beside me. He knew I was close to losing it.
"Emmett," he warned, "let it go, man."
Emmett ignored him.
"Bella, I know how you must be feeling, but..."
"Do you, Emmett?!" I yelled as sharp stabs of painful memories lanced into me. "Please, tell me your tale of woe then! Tell me how YOUR mother let you get the crap beaten out of you for YEARS while she cried in the corner like a useless piece of shit!"
"Bella, can't you see that you need to tell her this stuff? That you need to get it out of your system? Sweet girl, that shit is poisoning you from the inside. It's stopping you from ever truly healing and getting closure on your past. Your pain."
"Emmett, stop," Edward said firmly, "She's not ready."
"Well, when will she be ready, Edward? Huh? Tomorrow? Next week? In five years' time when she doesn't understand why she still has flashes of irrational anger over the smallest things? Is that what you want your future to be?"
"I can't face her," I said, pushing down the panic that was rising in me. "I just can't, Emmett. Please...don't make me."
Emmett walked over and took my hands, his huge palms enveloping mine completely.
"Look, Bells, I'm not trying to bust your chops here, I'm really not, but all that pain and regret and resentment that you're carrying around for that woman out there? That's not going to go away by itself. Ever. Also, I can pretty much guarantee that as much as you hate your mother for what she's done to you, she hates herself more, and she desperately wants to apologize for it. She's been looking for you for three years, Bells. She thought you were dead."
My breath caught in my lungs. "Bullshit."
He shrugged and shook his head. "That's what she said," he stated simply. "Now you tell me – is your mother a liar?"
I pulled my hands out of his and ran them through my hair, frustration and confusion rolling through me in alternating waves.
Renee was weak and selfish – that was certain – but she wasn't a liar. Is that why it had taken her so long to find me? Because she'd given up on me?
"Why the hell was she looking for me anyway?" I said acidly, "She was the one who kicked me out, remember?"
"She did that in the heat of the moment," Emmett said gently, "She started looking for you as soon as Phil was out of her life, Bella. She's been looking for you ever since."
I swallowed the massive lump that was forming in my throat.
No fucking way. I was NOT going to feel sorry for her.
"I don't care," I said bitterly, lying easily. "I don't give a shit about her Hallmark story. You obviously find her fascinating, Emmett. Why don't you sit down and talk to her? I can't stand to even look at her."
"Bella..."
"She said no, Emmett," Edward said firmly, coming over and putting his arm around my shoulder protectively.
I'm sure he could feel the uncontrollable trembling that was shivering though me.
Emmett sighed and stepped out of the elevator.
"Alright. I think you're making a mistake, but hey...it's not enough for me to think it's a good idea. You need to WANT this to happen. I'm going to get your mother's contact details. Let me know if you change your mind."
I nodded and punched the elevator button, unable to meet Emmett's gaze as the doors closed.
As soon as the car started moving, I stepped away from Edward. He sighed but didn't comment. We rode up to our floor in silence, but I could feel him looking at me, willing me to meet his gaze.
I couldn't. I couldn't stand for him to see how ashamed I was. How thoroughly disgusted I was at myself for feeling sorry for the woman who had practically ruined my life.
I despised my sympathy. It made me feel weak and powerless and pathetic.
It made me want to crawl under a rock and never have to show my face again. It also made me absolutely furious that she could affect me this way. I wanted to scream and rant and break things, but instead I stood there and trembled with the effort of not losing my shit.
I could feel the tension coming off Edward as well, and that made me even fucking angrier. He didn't deserve to be pulled into the toxic vortex of fuckery that was my mother. How dare she show up here and involve him in this crap?
The elevator doors opened and I strode down the hallway to our apartment, thrusting my key in the lock angrily before stalking into my bedroom and attempting to slam the door.
Of course, Edward was right behind me and his hand hit the door loudly as he forced it back open.
"Bella, talk to me," he said firmly as he stood in the doorway, "Tell me what you're feeling."
I turned away from him, desperately trying to find the words. I sifted through my emotions, trying to single out the one shard of pain that had started the domino effect of fury rattling through me.
I scrubbed my hands over my face in frustration.
It was too hard.
I wasn't strong enough to admit it, even though it had been percolating in my brain ever since I had burned that envelope in New York.
I had replayed hundreds of scenarios of my reunion with my mother in my head over the years, and none of them...not fucking ONE had me feeling like I was right now.
It was preposterous that I could feel one ounce of empathy towards that woman. It made every muscle in my body tense with rebellion, every synapse scream in defiance.
I shuddered, struggling to stop myself from shrieking my denial like a crazy person.
"Bella...?"
I stood next to my bed, looking at the floor and just tried to breathe.
"Bella, look at me...please."
I couldn't. I could barely remain standing, let alone show him how pathetically needy I was.
I swallowed hard. That was all I could manage.
"Bella..." he came up behind me and I cringed because I knew he was going to touch me and I was going to shatter into a million pieces.
His hands rested on my shoulders, lightly....lovingly...and I clenched my jaw against the emotional onslaught it induced.
"Edward," I whispered desperately, "please don't."
His hands traveled down my shoulder blades, snaking gently around my waist as he pulled my back to his chest; the soothing warmth of him ripping my control from me in hitching, gasping pieces.
"I have to," he said, bringing his head into my neck and pressing his lips gently against my raging pulse. "You need me. Just allow yourself to need me, Bella. Please. I'm here..."
I turned around slowly, my breathing harsh and ragged in the expectant silence of the room. I looked up into his eyes.
He knew.
He knew I was tortured by my sympathy towards her and he loved me anyway.
The love in his eyes helped me find the words.
"Why can't I just hate her?" I whispered as my face crumpled.
"Because you're amazing," he said, gently wiping away my tears with his thumbs, sweeping the shameful drops across my cheeks like they were precious instead of pathetic. "Because, even after everything you've been through, you still have more room in your heart for love than hate. Because, deep down, you know how hard it must have been for her to come here and face you after all this time. Because...like it or not...she's your mother, and you need to know why she did what she did. You need to hear her say it. You need to tell her how it made you feel."
I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in; letting his smell, his hands, his lips stitch up the invisible wounds that were aching and pounding inside me, reminding me that unless I dealt with her and told her how her selfishness had eviscerated me for so long, my memories of her would continue to rip me open with resentment and regret.
I pulled back and wiped my face with my hands as Edward gently pushed my hair back from my face.
"Do you want me to call Emmett?" he asked gently.
I took a deep breath and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep myself together. I nodded and sat down on the bed as Edward kissed me softly and pulled out his cell-phone, quickly dialing Emmett's number.
"Hey, it's me...is Bella's Mom still there?....Yeah...she's changed her mind...she wants to see her."
***
Five minutes later I had purged my stomach of all of its contents and was sitting on the couch, waiting for my mother to walk back into my life. Edward paced nervously in front of the door, chewing his nails and glancing at me every few seconds with concern on his face.
When Emmett's signature knock rocked the door, Edward opened it quickly before striding back into the room and sitting next to me on the couch. He grabbed my hand and laced his fingers between mine, and I could practically feel him willing me to hold it together.
Emmett gestured for Renee to take the armchair opposite the couch, while he took the one next to me.
I studied my mother as she sat down.
She looked like crap.
It made me smile.
One thing my mother had always prided herself on was her appearance. Even when Phil was beating her she was always meticulous with her hair and make-up. She even had special concealers to cover up the bruises.
Now, she wasn't wearing make-up at all. Her skin looked pallid and blotchy, her watery eyes peering out from droopy lids. Her hair was unkempt and streaked with grey, completely devoid of the dark brown luster I remembered so clearly.
I drew in a hitching breath as I looked at her. She barely looked like the woman I remembered at all. She looked...old...and tired. Haunted.
She looked up at me and bit her bottom lip. I remember that she always did that whenever she got emotional.
"Bella," she said, her breathing ragged, "God, sweetheart...you look beautiful. You always were so beautiful..."
I opened my mouth to tell her to shut the hell up, to tell her that she didn't have the right to call me 'sweetheart' or 'beautiful' anymore, but Emmett beat me to it.
"Okay, Renee...obviously this process is going to be difficult for Bella, so you have to understand that addressing her intimately may not be the best idea."
Renee dropped her eyes to the floor.
"Of course. I'm sorry."
Edward leaned into me and whispered, "Are you all right?"
I squeezed his hand and nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
"So, Bella," Emmett said, looking at me expectantly, "We're here today to air some issues between yourself and Renee, and I know that it's going to be very difficult for both of you, but I want you to try to let us know how you're feeling as accurately and calmly as possible. If it gets to be too much, let me know and we'll stop, okay?" I nodded slightly. "Great. Now, what do you want to say to your mother."
I closed my eyes as a barrage of questions and acidic vitriol coursed through me, making me want to spew violent tirades at this woman, but I pushed it down, trying to keep the lid on my bubbling resentment.
"I just have one question," I seethed darkly, "One word only. Why?"
Renee looked up at me and I knew she understood exactly what I was asking. However, that didn't stop me from elaborating.
"Why did you marry him?" I challenged, my stomach turning as I remembered the human stain that was Phil. "Why did you STAY with him, even after he started to beat you? Why did you let him beat me? Why didn't you leave him, even though I asked you - no....I BEGGED you to EVERY...SINGLE...DAY?? Why did you stand by and let him do those things to me?? Why did you throw ME out when HE was the asshole who destroyed our lives?"
My voice got louder and more shrill with each question, but I couldn't help it. I needed to know. Ever since I had been thrown out of my own house, these questions had been churning inside my brain, searching for justification, for some grain of logic that would strip my incredulity from me, and soothe the huge gaping wound that was left by my mother's betrayal.
"Why did you love him more than you loved me?!" I yelled, trying to replace my pain with anger, desperate not to cry in front of her. "Answer me that, Mother! Why did you choose that piece of shit over your own daughter?!"
Renee dropped her face in her hands and she took some deep breaths, her body hunched and tense and trembling slightly.
She looked up me and I was staggered by the sheer volume of pain I saw in her eyes.
"I never loved him more than I loved you," she said in a tremulous voice, "but I know it must have seemed like that from your point of view. As for your other questions, I've been asking myself the very same ones for years, Bella, and I always come back to the same answer – I was weak.
"I was too weak to be alone when your father died, so I married Phil. I was too weak to leave him, even when I realized what a monster he was because I was afraid of him. When he started beating me...I...I think I had so little self-esteem left that I truly believed I deserved it. I honestly thought it was my fault for provoking him. If only I was a better wife, or a better lover, or better looking, or more confident, he wouldn't get so upset with me. And I knew that you could hear it when he went off. I could hear you crying in your bedroom even when Phil was yelling and hitting me, and I just thanked God that he was hitting me and not you.
"But then...as the years went by, I couldn't take it anymore. Every Friday night I would be paralyzed with fear, knowing what was coming and feeling powerless to stop it.
"Then...that first night...when you...you took it...instead of....oh, God, Bella, I knew I should have thrown myself in front of you. I knew I should have never let him hit you like that...but I was so...relieved...so hideously and powerfully relieved that he wasn't hitting me for once...I couldn't move. I froze, terrified that if I made a sound he'd go after me again...and so I sat there...and watched as my daughter took the beating meant for me.
"It made me sick to my stomach. I sickened myself with my inability to act...to protect you...to have the guts to behave like a mother should behave when their child was being hurt. And to make matters worse, you...my God, Bella, you were so strong. You took his beatings more bravely than I ever did. At thirteen you had more strength in you than I would ever have."
I thought back to thirteen-year-old Bella, cowering on the floor as Phil punched, kicked, and flogged me with his belt. It hurt, but I remember being grateful that I was saving my mother the pain.
Was that strength? Or was it just love?
I loved her too much to let her go through that. Obviously she didn't have that problem.
"Why didn't you ever stop him?" I asked bitterly. "I took the beatings because I loved you, but you're saying you didn't love me enough to do the same?"
She looked away from me, glancing down at her hands that were interlaced and clenching rhythmically. I watched as she swallowed several times, trying to calm herself before she spoke again.
"I can understand that you would feel like that," she said in a shaky voice, "but I did love you, Bella. I loved you more than anything. I still do. Because you're the one good thing I've done in my miserable life. You were strong and beautiful and perfect...and I let him damage you. I didn't even have the courage or strength to defend the one person who had always been there for me, even when my hideous decisions made her life a living hell."
"This is such bullshit," I muttered as her words plunged into me. Hearing her say she loved me after what she did was the ultimate blasphemy. "You would have never let him keep hitting me if you loved me. You said it. You let him do it to save yourself. You don't know what love is."
She looked up at me and her brimming-eyes made the muscles in my chest constrict uncomfortably.
"Oh, Bella, I know you don't believe me....and I don't blame you for doubting my love. I deserve your doubt. I deserve your doubt and your hatred and every negative emotion you've ever felt because...I failed you. I failed you in the most disgusting way any parent can fail a child. I let my own fears and insecurities prevent me from saving you."
She clenched her jaw, punctuating her words with winces and tightened fists.
"Every Friday night," she said with raw honesty, her voice cracking with emotion, "Every...damn...Friday night I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let it happen again...that I would stop it...that I would protect you...and every week the fear would paralyze me and I would cower in the corner like a piece of garbage, only able to move when Phil had passed out and my beautiful, brave daughter was lying sobbing on the floor."
A bitter smile crossed her face.
"God, I loathed myself for letting it happen time and again, but the more powerless I allowed myself to become, the harder it was to believe I could actually stop it...that I could make any kind of positive change in my life...or yours. I knew I should have protected you, but I was too weak."
I scoffed under my breath and Edward squeezed my hand, his other hand reaching over, as his fingertips brushed lightly across my skin. I sighed heavily as Renee looked at me, deep burning shame blazing behind her eyes.
"I know that every word I say probably sounds like an enormous cop-out to you, Bella. It probably is. I don't want you to think I'm trying to offer excuses. I have no excuses...only regrets. I regret so much about how I treated you....about how I allowed you to be treated. Letting that piece of shit lay his hands on you was no better than if I had beaten you myself. I was a pathetic, spineless animal, and you deserved so much more. You deserved....everything....and I gave you nothing. Less than nothing. I let your childhood be stolen from you. I stood by and watched it happen...and I didn't have the guts to do a damn thing about it."
Her voice was low and strained. Her watery eyes bore into me and I had to look away. Her regret was too much. Her pain was too real. I didn't want to see it. I couldn't bear to feel it.
"If I could turn back the clock and do it all over again," she said with painful intensity, "it would all be different. I wouldn't make the same stupid, selfish mistakes. I'd be there for you, Bella...always and forever. I'd find the strength to stop it...to walk away...to start a new life for you without fear and pain."
She dropped her face into her hands, and I could hear quiet sobs leaking from between her fingers. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so...so....sorry. I know it's not enough after all you've been through, but it's all I have to give."
An enormous knot of emotion tightened in my throat, threatening to strangle me if I didn't keep it under control. Her apology was sincere, but it wasn't enough. Nothing she could say could ever be enough.
Part of me wondered why I was even bothering listening to her if that was the case. Why subject myself to this if I didn't think it would help me in some small way?
The knot tightened further.
The truth was that I still needed answers. I knew they wouldn't satisfy me, but I needed them just the same.
"Why didn't you leave him?" I rasped, pushing down the tears, "We could have packed up our stuff and left, just the two of us...left him behind and never looked back."
"I couldn't leave him," she said, her voice barely above a whisper, "He told me every day that if I left him...he would kill you...he said he'd make me watch while he killed you, and then he would kill me." She looked at me and I could see the abject terror in her eyes. "I believed him, Bella. I was too scared to call his bluff."
She took in a shuddering breath and gripped the armrests of her chair.
"The night you...beat him...was the night I truly saw how much damage I had caused you by being a spectator to your abuse. When I walked in and saw your eyes...I knew you'd snapped. I knew that the burden you had been carrying for me had finally pushed you over the edge. You were going to kill him, and it was my fault.
"I screamed at you to stop, but it was like you weren't there anymore. You were gone, and there was just this raging ball of violence and resentment in your place. I thought I'd lost you forever."
I thought back to that night. I remembered Phil punching me in the face after I told him he was a lying sack of shit, and then...I remembered finding the bloody baseball bat in my hands and Renee screaming at me.
"And do you want to know the worst thing?" she said, a look of shameful admission creeping onto her face, "Part of me wanted you to kill him. Part of me thought if you killed him, we would finally be free. How disgusting is that? There was a part of me that would allow my daughter to become a murderer so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for my abusive husband? Jesus.
"That was the moment I realized I couldn't let you be punished for my weakness any more. I had to take a stand. I had to get you away from him, and me, and everything that was holding you back from being healthy and happy and whole.
"I yelled at you, trying to get you to stop hitting him, but you were crazed. I could hear bones breaking as the bat kept falling, but no matter how loudly I yelled, you kept going.
"Finally I resorted to slapping you to make you stop. You looked dazed, like you didn't even know where you were. When you saw what you had done to Phil, you started screaming. Oh, god...that sound. That sound shattered me, because I knew then in order to save you, I had to push you away."
She took in a huge, ragged breath, exhaling slowly as she continued, "I screamed at you to leave. I threatened that if you ever came back I would call the police. I wanted you to get as far away from Phil as you possibly could. I needed to make sure that he would never touch you again, and that was the only way I could think of."
My breath stopped in my lungs.
She threw me out...to protect me? Is this a fucking joke?
"So, your idea of protecting me was throwing me out while I was physically and emotionally traumatized?" I said, acidly. "I had no money...nowhere to go. In what deluded fucking universe did you think that would turn out well?"
"Bella, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. My daughter had almost murdered my husband, and I was pretty sure that when he recovered sufficiently he would try to return the favor. I just wanted you out of that house...away from him. Obviously I didn't think it through."
My whole body tensed as I prepared to demolish her and her ridiculous claim.
"You threw me out to help me?" I spat as the memories of the innumerable humiliations and perversions I had endured during my life on the streets pummelled my brain, "Do you have any fucking clue what I went through after you threw me out? What I had to do to survive? "
Renee's eyes flickered to Emmett before she looked down at her hands and started wringing them compulsively.
"I don't know all the details," she said softly, "But Emmett gave me the general idea."
"I ate garbage," I seethed, the memory of it dredging up huge amounts of murky shame. "I pawed through trash cans like a stray dog, mother, searching for scraps of food that weren't rotten or filled with maggots, and then I'd devour them, not caring that people were watching me and looking at me with a mixture of pity and disgust because my stomach was aching because I hadn't eaten in three days.
"I urinated in alleys. I begged for money. I stole. I..." I pushed down the memories of my time with James before the harsh-edged memories completely decimated my control, "I did things...things that I can never take back. Things that make my fucking stomach turn. I let myself be used and humiliated in ways you can't even imagine," I spat harshly as Edward stroked my hand beside me, "and I did it because my mother threw me out of my own house in attempt to help me? Good job, mother. That obviously worked out well, didn't it?"
She looked up at me, the pain pouring out of her.
"Bella, If I'd known, I would never have sent you away. I would have run after you that night and found a way to keep you safe from Phil without losing you. Without letting you lose yourself. There are so many things I would have done differently. So many mistakes I so desperately want to take back."
I sucked in a lungful of air and exhaled slowly, trying to push down my anger. Edward's fingers moved across my skin, soothing and calming me, bringing me out of the past and back to the present. Bringing me back to him.
I thought about everything that had occurred during my life – all the pain and hardship I had endured because of my mother – and one persistent needling thought kept weaving through my brain.
If she hadn't thrown me out, I would never have met Edward.
That was a truth I couldn't deny.
If time travel was possible and she could go back and change all her shit-inducing decisions, but the consequence was that I wouldn't have Edward in my life, I know without a doubt that I wouldn't want her to change a thing.
He was everything to me, and in some sick way, I owed part of that to her.
I looked over at him.
He gazed back, his eyes sympathetic and full of love. Eyes that I wanted to see every day for the rest of my life. Eyes that could sparkle with love and laughter and mischief, or darken with knee-buckling desire.
The eyes of the man I loved.
He was the one good thing my mother's pathetic weakness had ever given me.
He brought my fingers up to his mouth and gently brushed his lips over the back of my hand. I melted.
Was the reason I found it so difficult to hate her because, deep down, I knew without her, I would never have found him?
"What happened to Phil after I...left?" I said, barely keeping the emotion out of my voice.
She wiped her hands over her face and sighed.
"I called the ambulance...and the police. When they arrived I told them about the abuse...about the drinking...I told them he had abused you and you'd run away. I told them I had snapped and beaten him. They arrested me. I didn't care. At least you were safe."
She was arrested? Interesting...
"They investigated my claims against Phil. Doctors testified about the evidence of blunt-force trauma to my body and face, and the neighbors testified about Phil's regular rages. Eventually Phil was charged with assault and battery and my alleged attack on him was deemed self-defense. While he was still in the hospital they slapped him with a restraining order preventing him from coming within two hundred yards of me.
He was found guilty of assault a few weeks later, and even though he was sentenced to two years in prison, he was out in twelve months due to good behavior. I was livid."
Jesus, Phil went to prison? How did I not know this?
Oh, dear God, please let him have been ass-raped every single day he was in there - roughly and without lube by a giant inmate who had a monster-cock pierced with barbed wire.
"When he was released, he came over one night, drunk and raging and yelling at me to give him his stuff. For some reason, I wasn't scared of him anymore. Seeing him sniveling like a coward as my beautiful teenage daughter beat the hell out of him somehow negated any intimidation he held for me. I told him to leave while he still could. When he refused, I held a knife to his throat and told him to get the hell out and never come back or I'd kill him. I meant it.
I guess he believed me because I never saw him again."
Oh, you finally grew a backbone? What do you want – a fucking medal?
"The next day I burned all his belongings in the backyard.
As I stood there and watched everything he owned go up in smoke, I felt...free...finally...for the first time since your father died. I still hated myself for the years of torture you endured on my behalf, but I promised myself that I would make it up to you. I just had to find you first."
I'd been looking for you ever since he was arrested...as soon as I knew he was out of our lives and wouldn't be able to hurt you anymore. I started calling all of your classmates. I knew you didn't really have any close friends, but I thought someone must have seen you. They hadn't."
Of course they hadn't. Those assholes saw me walk in with obvious signs of abuse every damn week, and not one of them ever even asked about it. Why the fuck would I go to any of them?
"I moved on to canvassing the neighborhood, knocking on doors and putting up 'missing' posters on telephone poles, but you'd just disappeared."
She leaned back in her chair, her head tilting up slightly as she continued.
"I became the crazy 'missing child' lady. Every day I would visit adjacent neighborhoods, going from house to house, stopping people in the street. I reported you missing to the police, but they didn't seem interested. They kept saying you probably needed some time and that you'd come home on your own. Of course, you never did.
When the little bit of money I had ran out, I had to get a job, and when that barely covered the bills, I got another job, and that meant that I was limited to the weekends to look for you."
I swallowed the saliva that was coating my tongue.
She had been looking for me? Working two jobs at the same time? That didn't gel with my mental image of monster-Renee burning my pictures and doing a happy dance every day that I wasn't complicating her simple life. That image of her was easier to process. It didn't make me doubt the years I spent cursing her name. It didn't make me see things I didn't want to see, and feel things I didn't want to feel. Things that hurt the deepest layers of my heart.
Emmett said to stop if this became too much.
Unless my heart stopped aching like I was having a fucking heart attack, I may need to take him up on that offer.
Renee brought her left hand up and rubbed her eyes, and for the first time, I realized she was wearing her old wedding ring. The one my father had given her.
My chest tightened even further.
"Every week I'd call the police and see if they'd heard anything, but of course they hadn't. They weren't even looking. When you'd been missing for a year they tactlessly told me that I should consider the fact that you may be dead. Then they offered me free counseling. Assholes."
She wiped at her eyes quickly, trying to swipe away the tell-tale moisture, but when she looked at me I could almost count the layers of grief on her face.
Is that what happened to her? Were the frown lines and worry creases that cut across her face caused by her concern for me?
It was almost incomprehensible, and yet, the small kernel of sympathy I had for her continued to swell, knowing that what she was saying was true.
"Every day I prayed you would call me, just to let me know your were alright," she said softly, "and every day I realized that you never would, even if you were still alive, because I had failed you as a mother, and I didn't have any right to expect anything from you. I came to accept the fact that even if you were alive and well, I was probably dead to you, and I deserved to be, and that absolutely killed me.
"Still, I kept looking. I refused to believe that you were dead. I couldn't believe it. I put email alerts out and put your photo on websites all over the country. I had no idea if you had left L.A. or if you were still in the city somewhere. I considered that you had ended up on the streets, but the few street people I asked wouldn't tell me anything.
"Yeah, they wouldn't," I offered sarcastically, "Most street people have pasts they're running from. They know what it's like to not want to be found."
If I'd known Renee was looking for me, would I have wanted her to find me?
The question rumbled around in my brain and made my head ache.
"Finally," Renee said with a sigh, "I resorted to hiring a private detective. I started working a night shift cleaning offices to pay his fees, and after a few months he got a lead on someone fitting your description living on the streets in the downtown area.
He started asking around, trying to track you down, and then one day he called to say he thought he'd found you."
She took in a hitching breath and her eyes filled again.
"He told me that a girl fitting your description had been found in a dumpster...murdered."
Oh...Jesus. Crazy Jess Stanley. Murdered by psycho-pimp James. We were about the same age, height, weight. We even looked alike. She thought Jess was me? Dead and alone and surrounded by garbage?
She dropped her head into her hands.
"The moment he said it...I fell apart. I didn't think it was possible to be in so much pain and still be alive. I didn't want to believe him, but...it had been three years. Three years of guilt and shame and regret and pure self-loathing, and part of me thought that your death would be the ultimate punishment for everything I had done. You were dead...and it was my fault."
She trembled and Emmett quickly went to the kitchen to grab her some water. She accepted the glass gratefully and took a small sip before continuing.
"After he told me I kind of...lost it. I slumped to the floor in my kitchen and didn't move for about eighteen hours. I couldn't move. You were dead and there was no way for me to ever apologize to you...or help you....or tell you I loved you. Everything I had left to live for had instantly vanished in that moment. When I thought I'd lost you...I lost everything.
A few days later he called back, yelling at me to turn on the television.
When I did I saw picture of you....and him."
She gestured to Edward.
"There were pictures of you both coming out of some cocktail party. You were wearing a purple dress. The story went on to say that you'd been hurt during a home invasion but you were in the hospital and your condition was stable. They said your rock-star boyfriend saved your life."
I glanced quickly at Edward and he dropped his head in shame.
I guess the whole James/coffee table thing was still a sore point for him.
Renee took a deep breath and steadied herself.
"The day I saw you on the TV was the happiest day of my life, Bella. I cried for hours, knowing that you were alive. God, you looked so beautiful in those pictures. So happy and radiant. So different from the girl who had run out of my house three years previous. I thanked the Lord for answering my prayers. I thanked Him for taking care of you when I couldn't, for providing for you when I was unable to, for granting you some sort of happiness when all I ever gave you was pain and betrayal."
"I don't know if God had anything to do with it," I said quietly, unable to look at the magnificent man beside me or else I'd start blubbering like a baby, "It was Edward who made me radiant, or happy, or whatever. He's the one who saved me. Any change that you saw in me was because of him. He gave me a reason to believe I deserved more that what I had."
He squeezed my hand and I looked up when I heard soft sniffling sounds beside me.
Emmett was hurriedly wiping giant rolling tears from his cheeks, his face a contradiction of happiness and solemnity.
"Alright, don't you dare start talking about the perfect love you and Dolores share or I'm going to have to call room service and order a truckload of fucking chocolate. It's bad enough that you and your mother have suffered so much, together and apart. You two break my goddamn heart, you really do. On top of that, if you start going on about lover-boy over there and how he completes you and made you whole and all that achingly romantic shit, I'm going to need an epi-pen because quite honestly, I'll be fucking dead."
He dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his eyes as he drew in a rough breath.
"Fucking hell..."
My mother looked at me warily then back at the sniffling man-mountain. She tentatively reached out a hand and patted him gently on the knee. He grabbed it desperately and held it up to his forehead, as if he was saying a silent prayer for her.
"Renee," he sighed, letting go of her hand and fixing her with his moist gaze, "I'm so glad you finally got to tell Bella your story, but how did you end up here? What cosmic forces led you to today's heartbreaking shame-purge?"
"Well," she said as she looked at my hand intertwined with Edward's, "at first I doubted it was the right thing to do - to burst back into Bella's life when she obviously had started afresh, putting me and the pain of her past behind her." She looked at me and a slight smile curled the corner of her mouth. "You'd obviously found someone very special to you. I could tell that even from the photos, and somehow it didn't seem fair to open up your old wounds just so I could try and earn your forgiveness. That would have just added another layer to my selfishness.
I had all but decided to let you go live your life, maybe with the exception of writing you a letter telling you how sorry I was for everything, but then, last week, Edward's assistant called me and said you were desperate to see me – that you wanted to re-connect - and it gave me hope that we might actually be able to sit down together long enough for me to tell you my side of the story."
I felt Edward tense beside me.
"Can I assume the name of the girl you spoke to was Bree?" he asked with icy coolness.
"Yes," Renee replied, "She seemed to be very...intent on reuniting Bella and me. She was very enthusiastic. She said Bella was too nervous to call herself and wanted to find a time to meet. I was gullible to believe her so easily, wasn't I?"
"Bree was a double-crossing shrew who no longer works for me," Edward said angrily. "The only reason she was intent on getting you in the same room as Bella is because she knew it would devastate her, and for some reason that brought her pleasure. She had an unhealthy obsession with me and a vendetta against Bella. Everything she told you was bullshit, obviously."
Renee laughed bitterly.
"Well, that makes sense. I had hoped that what she was saying was true, but when I called Bella last night and was told several times to go fornicate with myself, I realized I had been played."
Edward chuckled softly and squeezed my hand. I resisted the urge to slap him.
Don't laugh at her! She's the enemy, remember? You should hate her for what she did to me, even if I can't!!
Renee sighed and said, "Still, as soon as I heard her voice, I knew I had to find a way to get her to listen to me."
She turned to me and fixed me with gaze of fierce determination. I don't think I'd seen that look on my mother's face since my father died.
"Bella," she said firmly, "I need you to know that I take full responsibility for everything that happened to you. Everything. Every bad memory, every bruise on your skin, every negative thought in your head – I own them all. I bought them with years of selfishness and disgusting inaction. I know that if I had been less...pathetic...your life would have been very different, and I can't tell you enough how thoroughly and desperately sorry I am for that. Now, I don't expect you to forgive me. If I were you I certainly wouldn't, but at least I've said what I came here to say, and hopefully, you understand more about me...and us...and everything we've been through."
Emmett leaned forward and touched my mother gently on the shoulder, commending her on her effort. The gesture made me vaguely annoyed at him.
He turned to me and said, "Bella? Do you have anything to say to you mother? Would you like to respond to what's she's just said?"
Jesus, Emmett. Would I like to respond to her? Yes. Was I capable of responding to her? Absolutely fucking not.
I had so many conflicting thoughts blasting through me that I didn't know what the hell I was thinking.
Part of me still wanted to hit her – to feel the sharp sting of satisfaction as my skin snapped against hers, but another part...Jesus....another part wanted to curl up in a ball and put my head in her lap and let her stroke my hair like she used to before our lives went up in a flaming ball of crap. That part of me...the small, scared, lonely part, wanted nothing more to feel my mother's arms around me, to cry out all the years of pain I'd endured, purging it from me in huge gasping sobs while she patted my back and whispered that it would be okay.
I had dreamed about that happening so many times when I was on the streets. As I was falling asleep I would feel my mother's phantom hands protecting and comforting me....and now when it was within my reach, the fantasy was suddenly absolutely terrifying.
It terrified me because it would mean admitting to myself that I...missed her. That I needed her. That, God forbid, after everything I had been through...that I still loved her, and there was no fucking way on God's green and lovely earth I was ready for ANY of that.
So how could I respond to Emmett in a way that didn't make me sound like I was teetering on the edge of completely losing my shit?
"Bella?" Edward said softly, "Did you have anything you wanted to say?"
I looked at him tiredly.
"Not really."
Emmett glanced quickly at my mother. I knew that wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but frankly, I didn't care. The stress of the last few days was weighing down on me like a lead blanket and I'd had just about as much emotional turmoil and brutal self-evaluation as I could cope with for one day.
"Okay," Emmett said quickly, "I understand that there has been a lot to digest here today, but I think some really positive steps have been made, and Renee, I'd like to commend you on your honesty and sincerity. You showed a lot of courage and integrity coming here, and I hope that talking to Bella in this way gives you some sense of relief."
Renee looked at me and nodded, a faint look of hope crossing her face.
I wanted to tell her not to get her hopes up. Sure, what she'd said today had changed some perceptions I had of her, but I still couldn't let go of the deep-seated resentment I had for her. I don't know if I could ever let it go enough to forgive her for what she'd done.
"Thank you, Emmett," she said sincerely, holding out her hand for him to shake, "I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for...facilitating this. Really."
She turned to Edward and also held her hand out to him. He looked at me quickly, slight panic crossing his features. He reached out and shook her hand briefly, holding it long enough to be polite but not long enough for me to rip his arm off.
"Edward, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for Bella. You obviously love her very much, and I'm so happy she has found someone as caring and protective as you."
Edward dropped his head and I knew he was thinking about the fading scars on my arms. I slipped my arm around his waist and squeezed, letting him know that he was being an idiot without having to say the words.
"Bella," Renee said, standing so close to me that I could smell her perfume. An unexpected pang of memory shot through me as the crisp, floral fragrance seeped into the forgotten hallways of my brain, transporting me back to a time when that smell would immediately heal a scraped knee, or slay a closet-monster, or magically find a lost doll. I closed my eyes for a second, savoring the sweet distant memories like a rare wine, but all too soon they evaporated, and I opened my eyes to see the haggard, haunted woman those crumbling memories had left behind.
"Bella, thank you...for seeing me...for listening to me...for letting me apologize to you. You didn't have to, and I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd refused to see me, but...I can't tell you how grateful I am that you did."
She lifted her arm as though she was going to reach out and touch my face, and my breath caught in my chest. A look of shock crossed her face and she stopped herself, lowering her hand with a sad smile.
"Sorry," she said softly, "Some habits are hard to break."
She looked at me longingly and I knew what she wanted. She wanted her daughter back - the one who had baked cookies with her and cuddled her with flour-covered fingers, the one who had hugged her legs on the first day of school and wouldn't let go. The one who thought rainbows were made up of wishes that hadn't been claimed yet.
But that little girl didn't exist anymore. She hadn't existed for a long time.
"I expect nothing from you," she whispered, looking down at her feet, "but I just want to let you know that there's a bench across the road from this apartment block. It's quite a nice bench...in front of some trees. I think it's a place I'd like to come...each day...and just sit, after a hard day at work." She looked up at me. "If you ever want to come and sit with me, you'd be more than welcome."
I swallowed and clenched my jaw against a wave of twisting, uncertain emotion.
"Maybe one day," I rasped.
She nodded slightly and allowed herself a small hope-filled smile.
"I can wait."
She turned and headed toward the door, stopping when she reached it and turning to face us.
"Goodbye," she said, waving slightly, "I hope to see you all again....one day."
She stepped through the door and closed it softly behind her, cutting the razor-wire of tension that had connected her to me from the moment she'd walked into the room.
The suppressed emotions of the past few hours ricocheted through my body like exploding bullets, refusing all efforts to be denied any longer. A huge gasping breath tore out of me and my knees buckled as huge waves of tension and relief surged out of me in painful, wracking sobs.
I was barely aware of strong arms wrapping around me. As soon as his warmth enveloped me the sharp edges of reality started unraveling and I closed my eyes as the sweet oblivion of Edward's embrace engulfed me and made everything but him melt away.
***
EPOV
I don't know how long Bella cried.
It didn't matter.
It could have been minutes or hours. All I knew was that I needed to be there for her for as long as it took to purge whatever the fuck was leaking out of her.
I held her to my chest and stroked her hair, my heart breaking with every tortured sob that ripped out of her.
Jesus Christ. I'd never seen her like this, not even when I'd broken up with her. It was like every single piece of pain and resentment inside her was manifesting as low, guttural sobs. She sounded like a wounded animal, and apart from holding her and letting her know I was there, I had no fucking clue what to do.
I knew that seeing her mother again was going to be traumatic for her, and honestly, I was surprised at how well she handled the whole thing. She listened when Renee told her side of the story and kept her ranting to a minimum, and I knew that must have been hard on her.
Likewise, I was surprised at how well Renee had coped with the situation. I don't know what I was expecting from the woman who had pretty much ruined Bella's life, but I sure as shit wasn't expecting her to be so....normal. I mean, there were no horns or cloved hooves. Her eyes weren't glowing red and she didn't explode in the sunlight. She was...kind of...sad. And although I'd never admit it to Bella 'cause I'm pretty sure she'd rip my head off and beat me to death with it, I felt sorry for her.
When she was talking about how she reacted when she thought Bella was dead, I thought I was going to lose it. I knew how it felt to contemplate a life without Bella in it, and it was staggeringly fucking painful. I totally sympathized with her.
The way she left had definitely placed the ball firmly in Bella's court, and I respected her for that. Despite the fact I could sympathize with what she'd been through, she was still the woman who let motherfucker-Phil beat the woman I loved. If she'd stepped over any line about anything during this little vent-session, I would have been forced to hurt her, and then Emmett would have hurt me, and...well...things would have gotten messy. I was genuinely surprised at how thoughtful and respectful she was. Maybe she had a grain of decency in her after all.
I heard the door close and I figured that Emmett had left.
No doubt he'd want to see Bella later, but right now all she needed was to get three years of crap out of her system, and it seemed most of that crap was now soaking through my t-shirt.
A creeping numbness oozed into me and I grimaced as I realized my legs had gone to sleep. I tried to move but vicious pins and needles spiked into my muscles and I hissed in pain. I could only imagine how much pain Bella was going to be in. Her fingers had been clutching my shirt like her life depended on it ever since the flood-gates had opened.
Shit.
I needed to get us off the floor.
I looked down at Bella. The sobs had given way to ragged breaths and I figured the worst had passed.
"Come on, beautiful," I said as I dragged us both to our feet, "Let's get you cleaned up."
She let me lead her into the bathroom, her face slack and lifeless.
She looked exhausted. I can only imagine how drained she must be.
"Are you okay to stand by yourself?" I asked looking into her swollen face. She nodded slightly, not meeting my eyes, and I leaned her against the vanity before bending over to run a bath.
After adjusting the temperature I threw in some girly smelly stuff I found on the counter and turned back to Bella, gently taking off her clothes. She moved with me, lifting her feet so I could remove her shoes before holding my shoulders as she stepped out of her jeans and panties. I pulled off her t-shirt and bra before quickly removing all of my clothes and shutting off the faucets.
I stepped into the bath and held my hand out to her.
"Come on, sweetheart," I said softly, holding her hand as she stepped into the tub and we both sank into the warm, sweet-smelling water. I cradled her between my knees, her back to my chest, and I hummed quietly as I gently started to wash her, not bothering with the sponge, simply soaping up my fingers and trailing them across her soft skin.
A groaning sigh whispered out of her and I tried to keep my involuntary erection away from her. The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I was angling for sex. I wasn't. I just wanted to take care of her. Show her that I loved her. I couldn't help it if my body's reaction to seeing her naked was to rush all my blood to my dick. It was out of my control...like breathing...or touching her.
I spread the creamy bubbles down her arms and her head dropped back onto my shoulder, her warm breath washing over my neck as her face turned toward me.
"That feels good," she sighed.
I kissed her forehead.
"Hey, there you are," I said softly, bringing my hands back up to her shoulders and massaging them lightly. "Where did you go?"
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, her body sinking further into the water as she relaxed against me.
"Nowhere. I just needed to cry. Let out some of the crap I was carrying around inside me."
I pushed my fingers into her hair, circling them firmly on her scalp as she moaned slightly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She turned around and traced her fingers across my jaw, watching their progress as she brought them to my mouth and gently brushed over my lips.
"Yes...but not now."
"Why, is now not a good time?"
"No," she said as her eyes came back up to meet mine. "I have other things I have to do right now."
"Oh, really?" I said, my heartbeat galloping around my chest purely from having her look at me with raw desire. "Like what?"
"Like you," she said breathily as she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine.
I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply as her seductive softness molded to my insistent hardness, her hands clasping behind my neck as she pushed her soapy body against mine.
She opened her mouth to me and I couldn't help but groan as I wrapped my arms around her. She sucked on my tongue and I groaned louder, my hands sliding over the silky wetness of her skin.
We kissed for a few minutes, our hands and lips and tongues becoming more frantic as the emotional turmoil of the day gave way to desperate passion. My hands moved over her skin, caressing and squeezing her, pulling her against my needy body.
"Bella," I panted as her hands traveled down my chest, skimming over the muscles of my abs as they dipped into the water and migrated lower, "you're not trying to distract me with sex, are you?"
Her hands moved beneath the water, her fingertips grazing against my hard length, investigating and caressing every ridge and muscle. I slumped back against the tub and closed my eyes as a low, long groan seeped out of me.
"Oh, Jesus....Bella...."
"Baby," she said sexily, "I do want to discuss this issue with you so you can analyze me with your giant brain..." - she leaned over and kissed my forehead - "...and empathize with me with your giant heart..." - she kissed across my chest and lightly nibbled my nipples - "but right now what I like to for you to do, more than anything else, it to orgasmasize me with your giant..."
"I get the picture," I growled as I sat up and pulled her against my erection, tangling my hands in her hair as I pulled her mouth down to mine.
I kissed her hard, running my hands over her still-soapy back, groaning as she reached between us and started stroking me.
Jesus, what her touch did to me. My blood exploded through my veins as her hands moved over me, every touch intensifying my need for her.
I moaned as I lifted her off me, standing up quickly and lifting her out of the bath. I put her down on the soft bath-mat and bent my head to her chest, smiling as small moans tumbled out of her, my mouth closing around her very taut nipple.
My hands closed around her breasts, gently squeezing as I palmed their delicious weight. My breathing was just as ragged as hers and I ran my tongue over her skin, my teeth nibbling her gently when my lips alone weren't enough.
God, I loved her breasts. I loved how they felt in my hands and on my tongue, and I loved the noises she made when I was touching them.
Her sex-noises drove me absolutely fucking insane, and I had a slight pang of guilt that I was basically attacking her like this, even though she did start it. I had intended to pamper her tonight. Bathe her and massage her and put her to bed, not molest her shamelessly while my dick demanded I take her roughly in a variety of positions.
Unfortunately, she wasn't helping matters by moaning my name and begging for more, and the way her hands were moving across my body was doing absolutely nothing to help my control.
"Edward, I need you. Please," she moaned, and I knew what she was pleading for. After everything she'd been through today, she needed this connection with me, and I wasn't ashamed to say, I needed it too. I needed her. I needed all of her and I needed her to forget about everything that happened today and just feel. I knew the fallout from her reunion with her mother would probably be prolonged and messy, but in the here and now, all I wanted her to be thinking about was me, and us, and perfect pleasure.
I dropped to my knees and growled, "Put your foot up on the tub, Bella," before grasping her hips and putting my mouth on her. She lifted her leg and as my lips closed over her swollen flesh she gasped and grabbed my hair, tugging at it hard as she pushed my face further into her.
"Oh....God...Edward..."
That's it, Bella – let go. Let me take care of you.
She leaned back against the wall as I tasted and licked her, the flavor of her warm, clean skin mixing with her arousal, driving me insane with desire. I worked her with my tongue and lips, flicking her clit in a pulsing rhythm as I listened to her sigh and moan.
I brought my hand up to her and gently pushed two fingers inside, slowly thrusting in and out as my mouth worked in tandem.
She moaned and cursed, her hips moving against me, her fingernails digging into my shoulder.
Fuck. The sensation of her inner muscles gripping at my fingers was incredible. It suddenly made Godzy very jealous that my fingers were getting all the action. He started throbbing in protest and I mentally told him to settle the fuck down before he got carried away.
"Oh...Jesus...Edward....uh....yes....oh, God, yes..."
She tightened around my fingers and I knew she was close. I increased my pace, curling my fingers into her, stroking the spot that made her scream my name.
"FUCK! Yes! Edward!! Oh, God, YES!! EDWAAARD!!"
That's my girl.
I sucked her clit strongly for a few seconds, and then I felt it – the incredible fluttering of her muscles around me – the undulating tightening and releasing as her orgasm rocketed through her.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!!! AHHHHHHH!!! Oh, Jesus, Edward...YES!!"
I kept thrusting my fingers into her as she rode out her climax, her fingers gripping my hair painfully as her face crumpled in glorious ecstasy.
I watched her in awe.
There was nothing more glorious than my Bella being overcome with pleasure. I would never get tired of seeing her eyebrows furrow as crashing waves of unraveling bliss pulsed through her. Seeing her like this was like gazing on a priceless work of art – stunning and inexplicably mesmerizing. I wanted to take a picture of her like this and carry it with me always. She was fucking magnificent and she was all mine.
Eventually, the tremors subsided and I stood up and pulled her into my arms, her limp limbs draping around me languidly.
I scooped her up and strode into the bedroom, laying her gently on the bed before lying beside her and pulling her into my chest. She sighed and automatically draped her thigh over mine as her hand traced the hair on my chest. Her fingers trailed down my stomach, and although I tried to ignore the throbbing in my groin, the proximity of her fingers to my rampant erection was making that pretty fucking difficult.
"Hmmm, I needed that," she sighed as her hand traced my muscles, her cheek warm and soft against my skin.
"I'm glad I could be of service, ma'am," I said politely, smiling smugly to myself as I brushed my fingers up and down her arm, closing my eyes as her warm hands explored my body.
Please keep touching me, Bella. Never stop touching me.
Her fingers lightly grazed over Godzy and a jolt of pleasure shot through me. My whole body tensed as she teased me with feather-light touches, her soft fingertips sending shivers of electricity all over my skin.
She began kissing my chest, her silken lips and warm tongue tasting my pecs, my abs, my hips. My whole body tensed as she continued to torture me with the glory of her touch.
Jesus Christ. Everywhere she touched me burned, white-hot and fierce, until my skin was blazing over my muscles like an inferno. My need for her was becoming unbearable.
I clenched my fists and pushed down my animal instincts.
I didn't want to be one of those men who needed to have an orgasm every time he pleasured his lover. I wanted it to be enough that I had brought her pleasure.
Unfortunately, Godzy had other ideas.
"Bella," I said softly, trying like hell to keep the pathetic need out of my voice and not sound like the desperate sex-fiend I obviously was. "You're tired, beautiful, you should sleep. You really don't need to...give me a happy ending."
She pulled herself on top of me, straddling my thighs with her own and sitting back on her heels, her eyes dark and sensual as they traveled over my body.
My jaw clamped down as every piece of flesh her eyes landed on erupted with aching fire. My dick was throbbing painfully, every pulse of blood deepening my need to be inside her.
"Edward, you're lying there, naked and magnificent, sporting the world's most spectacularly beautiful cock, looking at me with eyes the color of midnight, and you tell me I don't NEED to touch your body? To bring you pleasure? To make you moan in ecstasy?"
Oh, for fuck's sake. Could she BE any sexier?
"What sad demented planet are you from that makes you believe I could ever deny myself the glory of having your mouth-watering dick inside me?"
Shit. Obviously she can.
She bent down and kissed me, her hands moving across my face, down my neck, over my chest. My hands gripped her knees before running up the silky smoothness of her thighs, my lips never leaving hers as she pushed her tongue into my eager mouth.
How I managed to land the world's sexiest woman I'll never know. Obviously I'd won some kind of cosmic lottery. I really was the luckiest bastard in the world.
Her hand trailed down between us and she grasped my shaft, pulling it up and guiding herself down onto it slowly as I threw my head back and groaned.
"Oh, fuck...Bella..."
She sat up, taking all of me into her and looking at me with supreme satisfaction as she circled her hips slightly. I could barely fucking breathe.
"Thank you for being there for me today," she said softly as she moved above me. I swallowed thickly and grasped her hips, slowing her movements so I could get a grip on my control.
"Where else would I be?" I asked, my heart filling with so much love it started to ache. "I'm yours, Bella. I'll always be here for you."
She put her hands on my chest, leaning her weight forward as she rocked her hips back and forth, raising herself up and lowering down, drawing me in and out of her as a searing, coiling heat tightened inside of me.
"I love you, Edward," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "I can't even put into words how much I love you."
She set a steady rhythm, dragging me in and out as I fisted the bed sheets and groaned her name. I suddenly felt her tighten around me and I sat up, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my chest to hers, kissing her deeply as we rocked and breathed together.
"I love you, Bella. God, I love you so much."
I pushed my hips up into hers and she grasped my shoulders as she rode me desperately, every thrust accompanied by a small cry, her voice plaintive and soft and pleading. I pushed myself into her as she looked into my eyes, her brows knitting together as she concentrated on the coalescing strands of her climax.
"Oh...God...Edward...ahhh...I love you being inside me...God I love making love to you...."
"Bella...I will never get tired of being inside you...never...."
Her whole body bucked against mine and she gasped as her orgasm took her, her fingers grasping at my shoulders as her powerful contractions gripped me fiercely.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" I roared as the excruciating tension inside me snapped. White heat rocketed through my abdomen and I crushed her to me as long, hot waves of ecstasy spilled out of me in blindingly ecstatic pulses, wracking my body with pleasure and crashing release.
I breathed into the sweet skin of her chest as the last tremors shuddered through me, my lungs drawing in fast uneven breaths as her heart thrummed beneath my cheek, fast and erratic and strong.
"Edward?" she panted, as she weaved her fingers through my hair, stroking my scalp with her fingernails.
Oh, fuck. That feels like heaven.
"Hmmm?" I moaned, breathing her into me as my hands danced across her back.
"I miss my mother."
I pulled away from her slightly so I could look up into her face.
She was calm, but her eyes were shimmering slightly.
"Okay."
"But I don't forgive her."
"Uh huh."
"Does that seem weird?"
I lifted her off of me because I didn't feel right talking about her mother with my dick still inside her.
"Uh...no...I don't think so."
We lay down together on the bed and faced each other. I couldn't help myself and stroked her face, smoothing over the faint frown that was creasing her forehead.
"Do you think it's weird?" I asked carefully, not sure where the hell this conversation was heading.
"Yes," she answered simply, her lips forming an adorable pout. "I think it's weird that I want to simultaneously hit her and hug her."
I smiled and ran my thumb across her bottom lip. "But sweetie, you feel that way about me all the time. It can't seem that unusual..."
She tried to suppress a smile which made me smile even wider. "Well, yes...but that's because you're extremely annoying."
"I guess that's something I have in common with your mother then, huh?"
She rolled her eyes at me and scowled. "Edward, do NOT compare yourself to my mother right after you've fucked me into oblivion. It's icky and strange."
I laughed and pulled her into my chest, wrapping my arms around her as she yawned loudly.
"Fine. No post-coital Mom-talk. Got it."
She sighed and put her hand on my chest, covering my heart. I covered her hand with mine and pressed it into my skin.
"So, what are you going to do about your Mom?" I asked gently.
She yawned again and snuggled into my shoulder.
"I have no fucking clue," she said tiredly, "but I do know that hitting her and/or hugging her is out of the question...at least for the time being."
I closed my eyes and nuzzled into her hair, sniffing her shamelessly as I tightened my arms around her.
"You'll figure it out," I said, "And when you do, I'll be there to help you, no matter what you decide. Now, sleep beautiful, you've had an incredibly stressful couple of days and you need your rest."
I looked down at her and smiled.
She was already asleep.
***
Author Notes
Okee...so...there it was. What do you think of Renee's justification? Is she still the anti-Christ? Or a victim of self-doubt and circumstance?
Drop me a line and let me know your thoughts.
Just a reminder that I'm a judge for an awesome competition called "The Twific Auto Erotica Challenge". We want your entries! Take some hot smut, add a hot car and you're done. Easy, no? Entries close on the 17th Feb so get writing, peeps!
Linky - http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~twificautoeroticachallenge
Don't forget I'm currently writing another fic at the moment called "Grasping Darkness". It features a dark, horny Vampward, so if you're into that sort of thing (and let's face it, who isn't?) go check it out. Link on my profile.
For those who donated and received 's Haiti Relief Compilation, you may have noticed a teaser in there for a new fic I will be writing when Screamers comes to a close. (*sob* Not long now...) If you get a chance, check it out and let me know your thoughts.
Reviews = Kiya's dorky happy face. Seriously. It's very amusing.
Love you all!
Kiya x