Chapter 29: Lost Chances
The Mako ground to a halt with Vakarian disengaging the controls. Meghan carefully unwrapped her fingers from the crash webbing holding her to her seat. The turian had done his best, but the rough terrain and the low gravity of Ontarom was not kind to the rover. He glanced at her and silently collected his weapons and powered down the vehicle as Meghan handed Liara a pistol. Both veterans were surprised when the inexperienced woman checked the weapon over. "Good, you've been paying attention," the commander said, approvingly.
Before the asari could answer, Vakarian growled, "Heads up, we've got company!"
After the short, brutal fight, Meghan remembered why she hated fighting in low-g. She watched the last merc float upwards on one of Liara's stronger Lifts. One headshot from Vakarian put the guy out of his misery and his screams as he headed into low orbit were finally silenced. At least the mercs waiting in ambush inside just fell to the ground in the artificial gravity.
It wasn't long before Meghan Shepard stood looking down at two corpses on the floor. The white lab uniform spattered with the contents of the scientist's head. Her eyes refused to focus on the other body.
Not that it mattered. What lay there was a ghost. The corpse of a man who'd died long ago, but who'd apparently not been allowed to rest in peace.
"What the hell's the matter, LT? You lost or something?" Toombs grinned, (dark - hair - damp - from - shower - overlaid - by - bloodspattered - empty - face) casually flinging a towel around his lower waist as she walked by.
Knowing the show was for her benefit, she paused a moment and gave him a wink. "Just slummin'." She grinned back. "Where's the Sarge?"
"He ain't here, LT," Gorman said, (tall - blond - muscular - freckles - reeking - of - inexperience - cut - in - half - acid - burned) pulling a tank top over his head. "Said something about quiet time and laps." Meghan fought the smile that played over her lips. She knew what that meant.
She waved at Vasquez (motherly - tough as nails - pretty - knowing grin, darkhaired - full - lips - twisted - in - rictus - of - pain - left behind - leg - broken - covering - their - escape) who nodded back as she laced up her boots and Meghan spun on her booted heels and left the locker room. Laps meant only one thing: swimming. And on these last few days at Arcturus, he'd have the pool to himself - swimming among spacers was not a popular activity for some reason. Could be the lack of pools on battleships.
"Shepard?" Liara's soft voice intruded on her consciousness and she came back to the present, blinking at the asari. There was a heartbeat where Meghan couldn't decide if the asari was a threat or not, the memory of the melding fresh in her mind. Time coalesced down to a single point where somewhere inside her, Meghan weighed her options, calculated threats and assessed tactics. In the next heartbeat, she recognized Liara, non-threatening, kind, Liara, who's mind now colored even these horrible memories. The blue-skinned woman's eyes shone with compassion which made Meghan want to slap her, but the vanguard took a deep breath. She dropped her hand off her pistol and straightened up out of her stance.
"Go back to the Mako and report in, Liara. Garrus, go with her." The turian stared at her for a moment, his cheekplates shifting. At her unwavering stare, he turned on his heel and followed the asari silently. When the sounds of their boots faded on the plates, Meghan felt her knees give out and she collapsed on all fours, choking back the tears. She ripped her helmet off to get air, not even caring about the stench of death surrounding her. She struggled not to let Akuze overtake her. The tricks the shrinks taught her to redirect didn't always work. But she needed to try.
She sat back on heels, her breathing ragged, her head pounding, blue corona of power lighting up the room around her. Wisps of hair escaped her bun and the breeze from the ventilation kept blowing them into her eyes, but she left them, rather than get streaks of blood on her face. She put her bloodied hands on her thighs, trying to breathe deeply, calm her pulse. Rebuild. The scent of chlorine would always remind her of him, she reflected, as she went through the swinging doors to the pool. It somehow suited him, clean, astringent, aggressive, masculine. Oh for the love of God. She would not cry. Not here, not now. She walked to the edge of the pool, glad she'd taken the time to change to her own suit, a modest Alliance-issue one-piece. He'd bought it for her once. She'd been one of the few on board that actually knew how to swim, too. But then, they were also both the only ones in their entire unit that had been born on Earth. She sat down and put her legs in over the side, wincing at the cold water. There was a splash on the far end as he turned and she waited, knowing he'd see her legs when he approached.
Instead of surfacing though, his strong fingers grabbed her calves and with the aid of the slippery tiles, he was able to pull her into the water. Meghan shrieked in mock fear as water closed over her head. Arms like steel cables pulled her to the surface and against him. She blinked the water from her eyes and grinned up at Mike Hicks, Operations Chief, often called Sergeant. He pressed her against him and she obligingly wrapped her arms around him, reveling in the feel of his water softened skin against her own, the taste of the salt water pool on his lips. He was only holding her with one hand, the other anchored them to the side of the pool. They were in the deep end, the diving end. She pulled away from his kiss to just look at him. The water beaded on his curling lashes and his brows were drawn into a frown as his molten dark eyes watched her. "What's wrong, Meghan?"
"Other than the fact that you're assaulting a superior officer?" she teased, her lips widening into a grin.
He growled mockingly and spun them so she was against the pool wall and he was flush against her and she could feel how glad he was to be there in the tight trunks he swam in. "I'll show you assault." He nipped along her neck and she inhaled sharply and clung tighter to him as his lips ignited a fire along her spine.
"Oh, God, don't do that right now." Her breath caught in her throat and she pulled on his earlobe with her teeth. "I - Oh! I need to tell you something!"
His only answer was to ask, "What is it, Lieutenant?" as he switched sides of her neck.
"Oh, God! Mike!" She drew a shuddering breath, trying not to push herself against him more. She pulled his face up to look in his eyes. "It's positive. You're going to be a father."Sorrow welled within her and despite the happy memory, the tears came harder.
He froze for a moment, his dark eyes wide. "Are you kidding me?"
She shook her head, fear beginning to coil deep in her belly at his reaction. Then the shock seemed to wear off and his full lips parted in a wide grin. "Baby, I can't wait to meet the little guy, or girl," he added before closing his lips around hers again. "I'm glad I already asked you to marry me." Toombs had interrupted them before it had progressed much further. She'd been hidden by the ledge, so she didn't think the corporal had seen her.
Unbidden, her eyes went to the body on the floor in front of her. Every memory of her old unit was about Mike, for the most part. Even before they'd begun dating and jumping each other in every spare moment in every spare closet. She was surprised the entire unit didn't know about them. She had no memories of Toombs where Hicks wasn't there in the background.
Bootsteps behind her made her jump up and spin around, automatically taking a defensive posture. Vakarian. She glared at the turian, but there was heat behind it. Meghan had no other emotions for anyone else at the moment. "Thought I told you to wait in the Mako?"
"You told me to go with Liara. I went with Liara then came back here since you didn't tell me to stay there." He came to stand next to her. "You going to wait until Fifth Fleet comes here, standing vigil?"
She crossed her arms, anger at him burning through her sorrow. "I might." She bit off the words.
"Do you need me to get one of the other commanders down here?"
She rounded on him, "You breathe one word about what you just saw and I'll pry your plates off with a crowbar."
He winced dramatically, "All right, I get the point." He turned to leave. "We'll be in the Mako when you're ready to go."
She sighed, "Look, Garrus, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Losing your entire unit... well, you just never get over that."
"Shepard," he sighed. "I've seen people who lost entire units. It happens. Especially out here. It... seems like you lost more than that." He cleared his throat and looked away. "If you, uh, don't mind my saying so."
The urge to tell him to mind his own fucking business raced through her mind, but instead, she said, looking back down at Toombs and remembering his laughter for the first time in a very long time, "I lost a family."
"Why the hell would I fight you, Shepard? Do I look crazy?" The turian glared at her from where he lay tightening a bolt on the Mako.
"No, you're pissed off and resentful that I kept you from killing Saleon. Also, you have got to be bored of fucking around with the Mako." Meghan bared her teeth at the turian. Her stupid fucking emotional reaction to Toombs' suicide on Ontarom had left her spoiling for a fight.
"Any reason you've decided to ask me for this? Don't you usually spar with Williams, or Alenko? Or one or both of the other commanders?" He stood up and put his tool carefully down on his console, as if he'd rather throw it, turning to look at her. She was right, he was still pissed at her.
"I'm tired of wiping the deck with all of the above. C'mon, Vakarian. I haven't kicked your ass yet."
Wary, he leaned back on one leg and crossed his arms over his waspish waist, "Try Wrex. He might actually give you a run for your money. That is the phrase, right?"
"He turned me down. Said I was too tiny and bony." Meghan looked as offended as she felt.
Garrus huffed, "Well, you are."
"Chicken."
His eyebrow ridges shot up and his cheekplates tucked in close to his jaw, "I don't know what a chicken is, but I've heard the word enough to know it's an insult."
God, he was infuriating. She stretched her neck from side to side, "Fine, then, prove me wrong."
He seemed to look her over, "You going to wear that?" Was that a sneer in his voice?
She glanced down at her BDUs, "What's wrong with it?"
He shook his head, "I'm wearing armor. Give me a minute to change."
"Wait, you're actually going to fight me?"
He shrugged, "I might learn something."
She couldn't stop a tight, predatory grin from spreading over her face from the surge of adrenaline she always seemed to get at the prospect of a new opponent. "I'll meet you back here in 10. I need to change, too. Can't get the uniform ruined. You know... in case I mess up that pretty face of yours."
He looked at her for a moment. "Yeah, wouldn't want it to look as bad as yours."
A few minutes later, Meghan was back on the impromptu practice mat running through her stretches. The form fitting, moisture wicking fabric and the soft soled shoes would keep her from getting overheated in their sparring. She wondered if turians wore something similar.
She didn't have long to wait to find out as Garrus got out of the elevator. His was blue, though, not black, and was missing that cowl that usually ringed all turian clothes, though there was still some sort of bony ridge that was apparent through the fabric. She shrugged internally. She knew their anatomy. She'd been trained to kill them, after all. It would be an interesting challenge to alter her training to not immediately disable him. He reached the mat, tugging on a pair of gloves to blunt his species' razor sharp talons and bowed at the waist. Raising her eyebrows that he knew that gesture, she returned it and without further preamble, his eyes met hers and without speaking, they began to circle each other warily.
"Alenko told me you won a fight once because you fought in only a, what was the word? Bra." He reached the edge of the mat and started back the other way, mirroring her movement.
Her eyes locked on his, waiting for that first move. "He did, did he? Why on earth would he bring that up?"
"Joker said something about wanting to see you and the other commanders fight together." The statement startled her enough that he was able to lunge in and swing at her.
She ducked the punch, and kicked him in the side, landing the first hit. "I swear that man has the brain of a 12 year old."
He grunted with the impact of her kick, but continued with his almost-interrogation. "What is a bra, anyway?"
She was startled at the question and missed blocking a punch which felt like it impacted harder than it should have for a sparring match, and as she moved a little too slow to duck, he hit her in the stomach, making her gasp. "Ow!" She retaliated swiftly and hit him hard enough on the jaw to make him stagger backward a step or two. "What the hell you asking me that for?"
Circling each other again, Garrus shrugged, "Who else would I ask?" He lunged and she ducked again, aiming a kick for his knee.
"How about the jackasses who told you about one in the first place?" She blocked a punch that turned out to be a feint and his fist landed on her ribcage. She grunted and swung, connecting to his mandible before he could dance away.
He rubbed his jaw, "I did. They refused."
She straightened up for a minute to look at him. "It's something human women wear under their clothes and that's all I'm going to say." He continued to pace in front of her.
"So, why is that cheating?"
She shrugged. "Some people find it distracting?"
He seemed to glare at her, "Did you need this advantage?"
"No, I didn't. One had a blind spot a mile wide on his left, the other always led with his right and the third guy was just easy to piss off. My shirt being off just made it easier."
"You took advantage of their weaknesses."
"And why is that an issue? If you come at me in a fight with weak shit, I'm not going to hold back just because you decide to comm it in that day."
"They were your instructors and should have been respected." Wait, was he actually pissed on their behalf?
Meghan snorted, "They were idiots who thought it was a good idea to gang up on one younger woman just because she was supposed to be the best. And I was dumb enough to take their challenge. Respect goes both ways, Officer. No matter your rank."
His expression had gone from one of concentration to one of annoyance during their conversation with his cheekplates close in and his brow ridges drawn together. She scowled at him, annoyed that he didn't rise to the bait of her accusation of a lack of respect on his part. "Well? Are you actually going to say something or stand there like some green, limpdick FNG?" He countered her insult with a swift strike, that if he'd not been wearing gloves, would have shredded her shirt and the skin underneath. She swore and redoubled her efforts. He definitely had power and reach on her, but she seemed to be faster and more flexible than he expected. He'd grabbed her and twisted to use his spurs. At the last second, she used his own body as leverage and swung her legs up, wrapped them around his neck and with a shift of her hips, made him lose his balance. She continued with the momentum and rolled with him until she had him pinned. He grabbed her waist and bucked, sending her flying over his head. She tucked and rolled with the momentum, leaping to her feet, but he was already there and scooped her legs out from under her. As she went down, she grabbed his clothes and yanked with him down with her. He broke her hold, though, by the simple expedient of bringing his fists up between her hands and shoving outward. Instead of following through to gain the advantage, she ended up with one very heavy turian on her stomach.
"Where the fuck did you learn that?" she panted.
"Watching you spar with the commanders." He seemed to be panting too.
"You've been WATCHING ME? Get off me!" She arched her back and shoved and he rolled off her onto his back.
Sitting up, he pulled his knees under himself to kneel on the mat. "What else am I supposed to do when I'm running? It's not like there's an extranet feed down here."
"That's... creepy, Vakarian." She sat up, drawing her knees up to her chest.
He glared at her. "But not disrespectful? Humans are odd. I just won like you did with your instructors. And I did not cheat."
"Uh, I see no concession to defeat here, Vakarian. And yes, you cheated." She leaned closer to him forestalling his protest with an upraised hand. "They thought ripping my shirt like they did would stop me, that I'd run away like some little girl in embarrassment. They were wrong. I merely removed it because it was hampering my mobility. Whatever advantage it gave me was negligible. At that point, they were going down anyway. Now, what the fuck is your problem?"
He glanced away, his cheekplates working, then seemed to come to a decision and turned back to her. "Please explain to me how trying to arrest Saleon is justice for his victims?"
Meghan rolled her eyes, "Thought we settled that?"
He stood up. "I want a better explanation. Something that makes sense." Each word was clipped. She almost expected him to slam one fist into the other.
She rose to her feet as well, "All right, what would you rather have happened?"
His cheek plates flared and he snarled, "Like I said on the ship, harvesting his organs would be a start. That would be justice, that would be fair."
"And when will that end?" Meghan couldn't keep the fatigue from her voice. Revenge never solved anything. Yeah, you would know, the tiny voice in the back of her mind provided.
The turian shrugged his shoulders. "He'd be dead. It would end there."
"And what about his victims?"
His eyes focused on her intensely, "Their spirits would know that bastard wasn't out there hurting anyone ever again."
"Would their spirits also approve of letting others die for their revenge?" Meghan let one eyebrow raise.
He blinked at her, "I doubt he had other victims stashed somewhere that didn't attack us, Shepard."
She dragged her fingers through her hair, careful not to mess up her bun. "And you know that for sure? All the data had been purged from that ship. And now that we had no choice but to kill him, if he had victims stashed somewhere, we'll never be able to save them. They'll suffer and die."
He looked at the floor. "But, that's not our fault."
Remembering Toombs' face just before he turned his gun on himself, she shook her head. "It's not our fault, but it's our responsibility. It's also our responsibility to try to find out to whom he was selling those organs and what they wanted them for. Now, we'll never know. And they'll just find some other way to get what they want." She bowed and turned to leave.
"Shepard..." She looked at him over her shoulder. "I - you've given me a lot to think about."
"That's all I ask." She started to leave, but turned back. "By the way. You still cheated." She left him staring after her, his eyes wide and his cheekplates moving as if he couldn't decide whether to swear or laugh.
His, "I did not!" followed her to the locker room.
Meghan headed for the locker room. The sparring match with Vakarian had been strangely unsatisfying. It seemed to bring up more problems than it solved. It had gotten her heart pounding and helped her work up a sweat, but not exorcised her demons as she'd hoped. Strangely, though, it seemed to have helped him. She sat on the bench after taking off her shirt and yanking her hair out of its bun. Lifting her tags, she stared at them, rubbing futilely at the blackened acid stains - the Alliance had replaced them, the shiny new ones hung unused in her locker, but these, these would always be what she wore. A platinum band with a small diamond hung next to them on the beaded chain. It had been his grandmother's. He was an only child. No cousins, either. His parents hadn't wanted the ring back. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and swallowed. Crying wasn't an option. Even if the meld had brought Akuze back in living color.
The sound of boots on the deck plating in Alexis' familiar step startled her and she hurriedly wiped at the rebellious tears that had dripped down her cheeks despite her resolve. A booted foot appeared on the bench next to her and Lex's long fingers swiftly began lacing them. "You ok there, Meg?"
The other vanguard let out a humorless chuckle. "Let's see, I watched the last member of my old unit die, kicked the crap out of a turian cop in a sparring match... done nothing but try not to remember Hicks or my father all fucking day long. Yeah.. I guess."
Out of the corner of her eye, she focused on those long musician's fingers threading the lace through each eyehole. "So, do you want me to override the contraband lock again, or find you a nice deserted planet to take your frustration out on with the Mako?" Alexis asked, her tone light.
"Find me something to shoot." She scrubbed her face. "Probably better than drinking myself into a stupor. Listen, I want to tell you something. And you're gonna be pissed at me when I say it."
"Then don't say it, and I'll have Joker find you someplace real nice to shoot up." The now-laced boot disappeared, replaced by its mate and the fingers began the ritual again.
Her heart pounding, Meghan got to her feet and turned to look at her CO. "No, I'm afraid you have to hear this."
All Meghan was presented with was the top of her CO's head as she waited for the other woman to finish lacing up and look at her. Alexis finally put her foot down on the deck and regarded her with a slight smirk. "Ok, what did you do to the nice C-Sec officer that I'm going to hear about when I leave this room?"
In frustration, Meghan ran her fingers through through her hair. "This isn't about the damned cop. He's nursing his pride in the Mako. This is about Alenko."
"What about him?" Alexis crossed her arms and met Meghan's eyes, her challenge plain.
Inadvertently, the Marine OIC found herself mimicking the pose. "You need to throw the regs out the airlock. Life is too fucking short. Believe me, I know."
Alexis' expression became patient. "Meghan, sweetie, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe it's been too much between the melding incident and then Ontarom."
"I am NOT crazy, dammit." She shook her head. "I've seen the way you two look at each other. Do you want him to die without him ever knowing how you feel?" She stepped closer to her friend and lowered her voice. "Do you want to die without ever knowing what it's like to have his lips on yours? I thank God for every single second I had with Hicks. Every single one. I'd give everything I am for just. one. more. Don't throw it away on rules and regu-fucking-lations." The other blonde's fair skin gave her away as the blush deepened with every word Meghan said.
Alexis cleared her throat and glared at her. "I wish you had more time with Hicks, Meghan. I really do. But I'm not you, and Alenko's not Hicks, and I am not going to jeopardize any of our careers over the nothing that is happening."
"It's not nothing! I've seen you two. What you have is a once in a lifetime thing. Grab it with both hands, Lex! Or you're going to wake up one day with nothing but a twisted set of dog tags in your hand and a hole in your heart." Fuck. I will not cry again. Dammit!
Alexis leaned toward her, her voice also low, "Grab it and then what, Meghan? Hope to fucking god your best buddy Williams, or that mouth Moreau, or any other member of the entire crew doesn't say anything? All it takes is one, one, person to so much as breathe the wrong word to the right person, and he's gone. It won't matter then. They'll strip him of rank, ship him home, and for what?"
Shaking her head, Meghan suppressed the urge to shake her friend until she saw sense. "A. He's a biotic. They're not going to get rid of him. B. If anyone so much as breathes a word wrong about you two, they'll have me and the bloody fucking Butcher of Torfan to deal with. C. I'm fairly certain you two are capable of being discreet." She had to grin slightly at the thought that just occurred to her. "Last I checked, you weren't much of a screamer."
Alexis didn't seem to appreciate the attempt at humor. "No, even if there was something going on, which there isn't, I'm not going to gamble that between your reputations and his being a biotic, that they still won't take him away. Even if they don't throw him out, they will take him away. I'd rather suffer with not being able to admit that there's anything and at least have him here, then get greedy and have him be gone. He and I are more than capable of keeping things strictly platonic."
Blinking away the urge to tear up again at Lex's blind confidence and the fact that she'd just admitted, aloud, that there was something there, Meghan said sadly, "Oh, sweetie. No, you're not."
She was surprised, though, when Lex was forced to close her eyes and breathe deep as a brief corona of power flared around her and the tiny bones in Meghan's ears vibrated. "Are you done, Meghan?"
She just stood still and looked at her friend. "Just... think about what I said. I stink like a turian. I need a shower."
Alexis scowled, "This conversation... never happened."
"Of course not." Meghan sighed as Alexis moved to storm off.
The other vanguard stopped in the doorway and looked back. "And for the record, one of these days, you need to stop seeing your ghosts every time you turn around, or else you're never going to be able to let go."
Meghan stared after Alexis' retreating backside until the door closed. Stubborn, stupid, crazy-assed woman. She rubbed her face again and sat back down on the bench to pull her boots off. Maybe talking to Alenko would help. God knows, Alexis had never made the first move on a man in her life. She silenced the small voice that told her she was being unfair. Things would seem clearer after a shower.