Twas the night before Christmas and all through the base,
Not a clay bird was stirring not even a-
fuck this I cant write Christmas carols for shit...

Anyway...
I'm very sorry that this update has been so long in the making.
Believe it or not, Z author has a life outside writing stories and said life has been sabotaged recently.
Blah blah blah oh well.

Also, due to popular demand and because I received quite a few reviews and PMs requesting it, I will be starting up a new interactive story called Itachis Advice Column...
To do this though, I will of course need some troubled young readers out there to send in their problems for Itachi to evaluate like the professional therapist he is... (I read that as The-rapist XD)

(Please don't send in serious problems and concerns, I don't want to be responsible for suicide)

So leave your problems in a review or PM and watch out for the new story!
Oh, this story contains mild blasphemy... But I am not expressing MY point of view... only the characters.

Anyways, on with this one.

The Akatsuki woke earlier than they would have liked to on Christmas morning.
4:31am to be exact.
The cause was of course, one hyper active orange masked fool called Tobi.
At first, everyone was furious – as they had a right to be, but a small Tsukuyomi session was enough to put Mister ADHD back to bed for a few more blissful hours.
A few...
The Akatsuki had come to the conclusion that come Christmas time, Tobi had an inbuilt alarm clock that was set to go off at 5 minute intervals once it hit 7:30.
Joy to the world and all that jazz...
And so it was at quarter to eight that everyone happily (and not so happily) finally got out of bed and rushed into the lounge room... to find an interesting scene.
Hidan tilted his newly sewn back on head at the sight before him with a frown.

"Hey... Didnt we only have about six presents under the tree...? Why is there all of a sudden, like... fucking 50?"

Kakuzu also frowned.
Last time there had 'mysteriously' been more presents under the Christmas tree than normal, it had been Hidans fault...
He glared at the Jashinist out of the corner of his eye.
Seemingly catching onto the misers thoughts, Hidan scowled and shook his head as he stomped over to the massive pile of presents.

"No fucking trust anymore..."

"Not that I really care, Hidan. But I thought you hated Christmas? Against your religion or something?"

Turning to glare at the speaker – a very curious and slightly amused Pein – Hidan growled,

"I'm going to put up with it this year... At the very least I get presents... And it shuts Tobi up for a few hours."

The group rolled their eyes.
Ulterior motives... Hidan down to a T.
A violent mewling and sobbing alerted Sir Leader to the entrance to the lounge room where a very irritated Sasori was restraining an also very irritated Tobi from attacking the massive pile of presents.
Pein gazed thoughtfully at the duo for a moment with a finger to his lips in contemplation, trying to decide whether or not he should allow Sasori to let go.
I mean... It seemed like the nice thing to do... and yet...
It was so very funny watching the puppet masters fury grow by the second.
In the end the decision was left to Konan, who did in fact take pity on Sasori and gave him the signal that he could let go.

"FINALLY TOBI IS FREE!"

Itachi watched with narrowed eyes as the orange masked man dashed past him, spilling his coffee when he bumped into him.
Kisame backed away nervously.
An angry Itachi was/could be amusing.
An angry Itachi + Christmas + Tobi was not.
The Uchihas rapidly deteriorating mood did not improve when Hidan threw a gift at him (hitting him in the head) and shouted out,
"Hey, Pinkeye! You got a present!"
To his credit, Itachi did not move a muscle when he was hit, instead developing a severe twitch in his left eye.
Before he could complain however, Hidan loudly cried out in not very well disguised joy, that there were presents address to all of them.
A stampede ensued.

Kisame glanced over at Itachi, who was at this moment in time, pulling a plastic rubbery... thing over his hand and stretching it down his arm whilst examining it with great curiosity.
"Hey, Itachi?"
The raven haired man looked up from his strange present and blinked at Kisame – a sign that he was listening.
Pointing to his partners hand, Kisame questioned, "What is that?"
Itachi glanced at the item over his hand and tilted his head uncertainly before replying,
"I believe it is a sock puppet of some kind. It came in that little packet over there."
Itachi pointed to a small square packet lying next to a folded piece of paper.
Moving aside all the wrapping paper in his way, Kisame opened the card and read out loud,

Remember me, Itachi?
Love Eneron

A quick look at the packet confirmed Kisames suspicions and he blanched as the word "Trojan" glanced up innocently at him from the small packet.
He decided that alerting Itachi to the fact that what he was wrapping around his hand was meant for another part of the human anatomy was probably not the best idea...
So instead he took a picture.
He had forgotten to get Sasuke a present.

Hidan blinked at the card before him before an animalistic snarl crossed his face.
Kakuzu was watching with great interest as his partners facial expressions changed from curious to a frown to a snarl, before Hidan started shaking with rage.

"Frigging Frigsticks! Who the fuck says bullshit like this?! Kakuzu! Is there a return address on this fucking... abomination?!"

As calmly as he dared, Kakuzu gently pried the note from Hidans hand and his eyes skimmed over it briefly before he too, frowned.
Deidara glanced over from his half unwrapped present and tilted his head.
"What's with the scowls? Christmas is supposed to be happy!"
Shooting the artist a dirty look, Kakuzu read aloud,

Dear Kakuzu and Hidan,

Jashin isn't real and Jesus is the real god. And you shouldn't focus so much on money, but on our lord and savior Jesus.

Love Partying'Through'Pain

Deidara snorted in amusement and shook his head.
Stupid Jesus... If he was so important then why was it that children were so much more interested in an obese stranger with horrible choice in clothes than a zombie with a cross?
Although to be fair, Deidara had yet to see proof that Jashin was real either...
He shook his head again.
Best not to dwell on matters of the naive and foolish.
His attention was diverted anyhow, when Tobi attempted to snatch the half wrapped present from his arms.
Apparently, the 14 presents Tobi had acquired were not enough...
Scowling at the boy and shooing him away, Deidara returned to opening his present in glee.
With the paper gone he was faced with a cardboard box which he proceeded to tear open with a smile that would rival a child with a lollipops.

Kisame opened his present carefully, fully aware of the sloshing sound it was making as he tilted it side to side.
When he unwrapped the final layer of paper, he was delighted to find a small plastic bag filled with water and housing about 5 pretty fish.
His smile disappeared however, when he lifted out the frying pan that had accompanied them.
Itachi leaned over, his hand still encased within the condom, and reached for the little card that was attached to Kisames frying pan:

Kisame and Itachi,
Here are some fish for your fish tank. Please hit Deidara with the frying pan.
- Iwagakure no Terra

With the news that the frying pan was not in fact, for cooking his newly found friends, Kisames happiness reappeared and Itachis sadistic smirk promptly vanished.
Sighing, Itachi leaned back, pinching he bridge of his nose with his 'sock puppet hand' in disappointment.
He always loved cooking fish around Kisame.
There goes his primary source of entertainment for the day...
"ARGH! WHAT THE FUCK!?"
Lowering the 'sock puppet' from his head slowly, Itachi gazed over to Deidara, who was currently writhing around on the floor trying to get away from a newly opened present.
Perhaps not...
Whilst watching him slip on wrapping paper was amusing, Itachi found himself increasingly interested in Deidaras present and promptly reached over (pushed Kakuzu out of the way) and grabbed (snatched) the blondes present.
Out of the cardboard box he had retrieved fell a doll that looked surprisingly similar to their new neighbour, Slend R. Man.
Raising an eyebrow, Itachi lifted the attached card to his face and squinted at the scrawled words.

Merry Christmas, Deidara.
I hope your tentacles stay wriggly.
Love Slenderwoman.

Shaking his head in exasperation, Itachi threw the doll at Deidara in (not very) carefully hidden annoyance.
What a stupid thing to be scared of...
Turning his head away and scowling, the raven came face to face with a very happy looking Hidan.
Normally Itachi wouldn't care, so long as that smile was focused on either a present or a torture victim, but as Hidan was currently smiling at him, the Uchiha narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
His black eyes promptly turned Sharingan red when Hidans smile grew.
The silence between them was terrifying.
Partially because Hidan rarely STOPPED talking and partially because he was smiling... At Itachi... A very irritated Itachi...
The Akatsuki stopped their present opening and glanced between the duo in suspicion dowsed in nervousness.
Finally, after many tense moments, Itachi growled one word that would have the bravest of mortal men cowering in their boots:

"What?"

Smile growing, Hidan replied,
"I was opening my presents and accidentally opened one that was for you-"
The reaction was immediate, Itachis Sharingan instantly taking the form of the Mangekyou as he lunged at Hidan.
The Uchiha didn't care about many things.
But his own presents were one of the few things that he did care about.
Hidan however, smiled cheerily at Itachis oncoming attack and pulled his arm out from behind his back and with it, Itachis Christmas present.
The Uchihas attack was immediately halted as he caught sight of the object in Hidans hand and he shrieked in fright as the Jashinist switched on the electric razor.

Okay so I have decided I am going to do this in three (or four) parts because I know people are wanting this chapter out and to be honest, I know for a fact that I am being (unintentionally) slack.
My stories are being placed on hiatus at the moment – partially from lack of motivation and partially because of life developments.
I will still however, finish this chapter (all of it) and accept complaints and such for Itachis Advice Column. (Send them in a review or a PM either as yourself or as a character of some sort)
So I hope you enjoyed part 1 haha.
Also, special note to Katsumi Hatake, I am not neglecting you I swear!
So remember to rate and review after the mo'fucking beep and send your complaints to Itachi!
Merry Late Christmas!