A/N: It's been almost a year, but now tremble in fear, for the great and random Tiger has returned to bring you a comedy of some-kind, that he hopes will bring a smile to your face, a song to your heart, and a desire to blow up anything within 27 square miles (or 47.2 square kilometers to my friends up north). Enjoy...
Chapter 35: Plot, oh you mean that thing I threw out the window, fed to my dog, put in a blender and then sent to the moon. Nope, never heard of it...
It was a dark and story night on the sea between the Thoda Geyser and the Seal of Water as the heroes made their way across the ocean on a washtub held together my duct tape and magic, Raine trying to keep her lunch down, Kratos being awesome, and Lloyd, Genis and Colette enjoying this unconventional means of transport. Why they were traveling like this in a dark and story night, not even the author knows. And me typing story instead of stormy wasn't a typo, because it was a dark night and perfect to tell a story about, when it also happened to be quite stormy.
However, they finally made it to the shore of the seal and gathered their supplies which for some reason are never seen in the game. I mean really, where they keep all those old weapons and items. I for one never sell weapons, unless I really need the money so they have to keep them somewhere. And those various pointy objects are pretty heavy, or so I would assume. For some reason people don't trust me with pointy objects, something about cutting myself on cheese…Anyway, back on topic!
The heroes made their way up to the entrance of the seal. "Why is it raining so hard?" Lloyd complained, completely soaked from the storm.
"Maybe it will be an important plot device that will make the story even more awesome!" Colette answered.
"I doubt it, Tiger probably just is making stuff up as he goes," Genis added. Oh how right that little mage is.
Colette put her hand on the oracle stone creating a magical bridge of shiny-ness to take them into the seal. They finally made their way out of the rain and decided now would be a good time to camp for the night. Just as they set out the tents and got the campfire ready one of those annoying water elementals came up to them, firing its aqua laser attack which being as overpowered as it is, knocked everyone out except Kratos. Seeing that no one would notice him going all out, he dawned his angel wings and destroyed all monsters within a ten mile radius with a single judgment attack. He then used his magic to restart the fire and took his position as watch for the night.
…
Morning came with the brightness of the sun waking the heroes up. They were surprised there weren't any monsters around, but didn't seem to question it much, not minding a peaceful walk down to the seal. After solving some overly complicated puzzles, and wondering who they needed to kill for coming up with them, they made their way to the portal for the seal.
And thus, in a barrage of epic shiny-ness the boss came forth.
"Bring it on!" Lloyd said with his overeagerness and ran into battle with Kratos running behind him to make sure he didn't get himself killed. After being surrounded by all those water elementals, they were out of life bottles and of course Raine didn't know resurrection yet because games never give you useful skills that early on.
The battle raged, and within about 27 seconds. Lloyd wad unconscious, Colette was petting a dog she happened to find, Genis was being chased by 22 poisons snakes, Raine was out of tp, and Kratos was getting annoyed at having to act like he was having trouble fighting off these simple enemies. He figured he could just wait until Genis and Raine were knocked out and blast everything to oblivion again, though Mithos didn't like having to rebuild the seals whenever he did that. It was surprisingly hard to make new things look so old, but after Kratos subconsciously killed the boss's two minions, he decided he had to bring himself back to reality.
He interrupted the boss's spread attack with his sonic thrust and Colette helped him with an angel feathers attack. The mercenary then went in for the kill when all of a sudden the monster turned into a harmless little butterfly.
"Colette?" he asked. He didn't think the chosen had a spell like that.
"So that's what that button does," a very confused Tiger asked as he held a remote control with all the labels in Chinese. "Good to know for future reference."
"Who are you?" Kratos asked, pointing his sword as this stranger, apparently proving that the continuity in this chapter is about as consistent as the author's attention span.
"That is not important now," he said, looking around nervously. "What is important is that I need you and the other heroes to help me."
"How can we help?" Lloyd asked, having been woken up by a bucket of cold water.
"Well, you see…" As Tiger contemplated how to explain this bizarre situation, a black version of Godzilla with pink spots came through a portal and ate Colette before disappearing over the horizon on purple wings.
"Colette!" Lloyd said running after her, but he was far too slow to be of any help.
"A great evil has struck me," Tiger admitted. "And duct tape isn't even powerful enough to save us from this mess."
"Then is there anything we can do?" Raine asked, knowing the power of the magical tape.
"Maybe, but it won't be easy and will involve lots of violence, explosions, and bacon."
"As long as it will allow us save Colette I don't care what it takes," Lloyd said resolutely.
"Indeed, it will be impossible to continue this journey with her. You shall have my aid," Kratos added.
"And just imagine all the ruins that we can find as we fight this new evil," Raine said, just imagining the fun she could have dissecting the unknown.
"And I think we need someone logical who can cook," Genis said.
"Thank you," Tiger said, sure that Raine's cooking was even worse than school food.
"So who are we fighting anyway?" Lloyd asked.
"One of the greatest evils to ever walk the earth for those who choose the path like mine. Writer's block."
…
And so Tiger led them through a winding path that no man could follow. Hence the reason Tiger paused after an hour to try to make sense of the map. He was having great difficulty due to the fact that the map was in Japanese. However, while he contemplated learning every language on the planet to avoid this problem in the future, a black blob attacked the group.
Only, it wasn't a black blob, it was a bear riding a sparkly unicorn wearing a Japanese komodo.
"What an interesting specimen," Raine said, not knowing something like this existed.
And it charged at the heroes, Lloyd standing in front to block it, but the unicorn slashed at him turning him into a chicken wearing a tuxedo.
Raine instantly started casting recover, but found that this did nothing, because apparently it wasn't a physical ailment. Which is strange considering that being turned into chicken was a physical change, but logic can always be tossed aside, just like Genis when the bear charged at him and tossed him to the moon.
Tiger, seeing that this opponent would be difficult, decided to actually try and pulled out his random awesome infinite space bag of awesomeness. He then reached for his weapon of choice, but apparently needed to organize it better because he pulled out a kitchen sink.
"I wondered where that went," he said before throwing it at the bear, causing it to stumble off it's very sparkly mount.
"I see you must be taken serious here," the bear said, drawing a sword covered with Poptart wrappers.
Not scared at all at this revelation that bear's can speak, Tiger continued pulling things out of his RAINBOW (Random Awesome Infinite Space Bag Of aWesomeness). He was then quite impressed that his random wording actually had a cool abbreviation, despite the fact that this wasn't the correct abbreviation, but it was so cool he can't go back and change it. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn't even notice the bear attempting to remove his small intestines with the sword.
Luckily for the author and the future of this story, the bear missed and instead took out Tiger's appendix, so nothing too serious.
Mean while, Kratos, Lloyd (who was apparently no longer a chicken) and Raine were fighting the unicorn who was somehow deflecting both the swordsman's swords with its horn along with stabbing them a few times.
"How is this thing so tough?" Lloyd asked.
"It must be the sparkles, the glare is making it hard to see," Raine answered.
"All that sparkles must die." Kratos said with such seriousness that the quote must end with a period (giving Tiger an idea for a Twilight fic). And so, the seraph drew his red sword out of his secret sheath and unleashed all his might on the unicorn.
The following events were unable to be recorded because of the amount of violence, gore, horror, and ultimate destruction is too much for any man, women, or child to experience and still live, so instead please picture a puppy begging for a treat.
After that attack and brining Genis back from the moon, the heroes continued on their way, knowing this was only the beginning of the challenges awaiting them.