EDITED!
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Many a month ago, ILoveJak08 said to me: "I think it's time for Samos and Onin's wedding."
Well, I think the time is now too. Story will follow the plot IloveJak08 set out in her review... wish me luck, it's a big one.
Erol: I've decorated the tree!
No Erol, that's Jak wrapped in tinsel.
Erol: I know (big cheesy grin) the baubles on the ears are my favourite part.
Jak: (glowers)
Erol: Now, how do I get him to stay like that for the next two days...? Jak! If you move Santa won't come!
You'll ruin my birthday if you do.
Jak: (removes decorations and smiles evilly) Merry birthday.
Gee, thanks...
Erol: (gets drunk)
Jak: (gets drunk)
Jak and Erol: (kiss passionately)
(gets drunk) what? Oh right, alcohol is bad... as previewed above (sobers up) writing time! Before Jak regains his judgment and stops me! Green pride!
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Green Wedding
Onin floated merrily into Keira's room and stared at her for a good while. Keira didn't know it but Onin was telling her something important but Pecker was off boinking the muse.
'Stop staring at me! Creepy wench...' Keira mumbled.
Samos came to stand beside Onin.
'Oh great, you're here to give me another plant? Don't bother unless it's made of metal or I can re-gift it to Jak so he'll sleep with me again. Did I say that out loud?'
Samos was gob smacked, 'err... of course not dear! I just wanted to help Onin tell you that we're engaged!'
Keira stared as blankly as Onin apparently was, 'you sick green pervert! I'm your daughter, we can't get married!"
'No, no, no, no, NO! I'm marrying Onin silly he he he.'
Keira killed Bambi in disgust and stormed out.
Onin continued to stare blankly; if Pecker were there we would know that she was chanting a McDonald's sundae in Latin.
((LINE))
The wedding party stood in Haven Forest. The groomsman, Torn and Sig stood next to the Great Tree in lime green tuxedoes. Jak, as Best Man, got to wear leaves arranged in his hair, like a headdress. Daxter stood naked, holding the rings while Pecker tried not to stare or think dirty.
Samos came down the makeshift isle, Keira at his arm in a lime dress, giving him away. She tripped Samos a few times and took her anger out by shooting the leaves off Jak's head as she approached. This was one wedding she would not enjoy.
Soon after came Onin, followed by the corpse of Ashelin, Taryn and Keira, who had to run back to make her second entrance. The all wore the same dress. Well, not the very same dress. Separate ones. Not squeezed in together. Like a dream of Torn's.
They held flowers in their hands and had flowers sticking out of every place imaginable. Walking was difficult but manageable.
Tess came directly after the procession of uncomfortable but lovely females. She giggled and cackled madly and skipped, throwing flowers at everyone she passed. Keira started to shoot the flowers as they were thrown, which caused Samos much distress.
Taryn nervously covered the flowers on her boobs, which may have looked like a target to Keira.
Razor stood among the guests, holding a sign which read "I had nothing else to do today." Edje, Shiv and Cutter stood beside him in a combined jumpsuit with "The Three Amigos" scrawled across it. They sobbed loudly at the beauty of the proceedings.
Jak hushed the forest into silence with threats of unleashing his dark side and all stood and stared at the Great Tree. This caused great confusion because though Samos and Onin were responding to words seemingly unspoken, no one heard a thing.
Keira started to take aim at Samos' little blue bird.
"..." Said the tree.
"I do," Samos trilled gravely.
"..." the tree asked of Onin.
"..." Said Onin.
"ONIN SAYS I-" Pecker started,
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
It was Vin.
"Onin, I love you. I always have, marry me instead! We can own many cats and breed them with Pecker to create Moncataws! We can wake up every morning to each other's faces!'
Jak threw up.
Cutter, Shiv and Edje howled louder and blew their noses.
Samos launched himself and Vin and beat him with his log. Keira struggled to get a clear shot. Vin yowled loudly. Samos got him in a headlock and pinched his nose.
Onin pleaded for the tree to do something, "..." but the tree could only say "..." for itself. Damn tree.
Pecker intervened, "Onin wants this violence to stop, you sexy beasts. Her words not mine. She wishes to continue to marry Samos. Vin, Go away.' And he did.
And so the marriage was done. Rayne began to sing their wedding song. Well, Samos' wedding song. Onin had wanted the titanic song.
"There once was a tree
A pretty little tree
The prettiest little tree
That you ever did see
Oh, the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this tree
There was a limb
The prettiest little limb
That you ever did see
Oh, the limb on the tree,
A and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this limb
There was a branch
The prettiest little branch
That you ever did see"
"Shut up!" Yelled Jinx while Shiv, Cutter and Edje cried harder. Keira was worshipping anything not green very loudly.
"Oh, the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
And the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this branch
There was a bough
The prettiest little bough
That you ever did see
Oh, the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this bough
There was a twig
The prettiest little twig
That you ever did see
Pecker and Daxter came in as backup singers.
Oh, the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this twig
There was a leaf
The prettiest little leaf
That you ever did see
Oh, the leaf on the twig,
And the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this leaf
There was a nest
The prettiest little nest
That you ever did see
Oh, the nest on the leaf,
And the leaf on the twig,
And the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around"
Keira shot a nest.
"Now in this nest
There was a bird
The prettiest little bird
That you ever did see
Oh, the bird in the nest,
And the nest on the leaf,
And the leaf on the twig,
And the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this bird
There was a feather
The prettiest little feather
That you ever did see
Oh, the feather on the bird,
And the bird in the nest,
And the nest on the leaf,
And the leaf on the twig,
And the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around
Now on this feather
There was a flea
The prettiest little flea
That you ever did see
Oh, the flea on the feather,
And the feather on the bird,
And the bird in the nest,
And the nest on the leaf,
And the leaf on the twig,
And the twig on the bough,
And the bough on the branch,
And the branch on the limb,
And the limb on the tree,
and the tree in a hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around, all around
And the green grass grew all around"
Rayne finished her song to an empty forest. They had cleared out long ago, except her back ups and Samos, who wept at the bittersweetness.
((LINE))
The reception was a grand event, with everybody crammed into Onin's tent for a drink and a dance.
'Congratulations chilli pepper!" Sig clapped Onin on the back which broke. Luckily she fell into a pile of green eco and all was well. She said something about rubber tubing and certain parts of Sig's mother.
Razor and Jinx stood in a corner, exchanging cigars and cigarettes. Keira was vehemently hitting on Torn, trying to get Jak's attention. Zombie Ashelin stumbled over and did the same, causing Torn to drag Keira off to see Jak. This was not going well.
Samos snogged Onin grossly for the most part, until a little blue and green flower appeared between them. Keira started to understand how she was made and tried to stomp on it before her half sister had a chance to be sexier than her. Samos stopped her by throwing the crocodog at her.
The crogodog began to hump everything that moved and some things that didn't, much to Daxter's delight. This made Pecker jealous.
Ghost Erol floated by and hid in Jak's hair. The very mention of ghost Erol brought Author's Note Jak back to his senses in time to stop the writer from writing what she's writing.
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Jak: Seriously, stop it now. (pushes DEA off the chair) I'll take it from here.
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Then Keira took an interest in Jak and all his sensual manliness. She pulled him into a dark and scary corner where Erol would never, EVER find him and had her way with him. In detail. What are these details you may ask? Well She-
Excuse me; I'm being molested as I type.
Tess entered the pleasure domain and joined the fun, it was very much like a dream I had the other night actually...
Oops, I drooled.
Ashelin came next. No pun intended. Then Taryn, then Rayn and then Keira again. Even that stupid pirate wench from the latest "game" was there. All of them doing everything I want them to.
Ahh bliss.
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Hands where I can see them, Jak...
Jak: Sorry, got carried away. But seriously – wasn't that better than ghost Erol hiding in my hair?
Erol: No.
Jak: Nobody asked you.
That was the last time I will ever let you take over...
Jak: Damn it. I blew it.
Erol: I'll blow it.
That's enough boys...
Erol: Yeah, wouldn't want to up the rating. Would we, Jak?
Jak: What? I was stopped from using detail. All safe.
Well at least there'll be no pregnancies then. On a less odd note, I played The Lost Frontier, it sucked. Why the hell would Naughty Dog sell it?
Jak: I'm just too sexy to handle for too long.
Erol: oh y-
Stop with the innuendoes! Sorry, been cooped up for too long. And Jak, you're not sexy anymore. No one is. High Impact Games... please. Socks have a higher impact than them.
Jak: You're very strange today.
Erol: Review!