Disclaimer #1: I do not own any characters from "The Walking Dead." They are the property of Robert Kirkman, Glenn Mazzera and AMC. No money is changing hands in the writing, reading or distribution of this story.
Disclaimer #2: Any similarities to any specific persons, living or dead, is unintended.
Badass and Beauty
Total Words in Chapter:
Chapter 37
If Grecia had gone out on patrol with anyone other than Rick, then Daryl would have grabbed his bow and snuck out into 'the pit' to get back to work. Things were looking up; he and that girl 'a his were feeling more like they should together, Grecia had promised him that she'd eat something…eventually, and Hershel had finally seen fit to remove that God damn, big fuckin' tube from Daryl's chest!
Hershel had been surprised by how soon Daryl's lung had healed, said he'd expected that Daryl would spend at least one more night with that big fuckin' tube 'a sewed into his chest, but whatever, Daryl was just happy to have it gone. Weren't too easy to lay in bed, with his girl, and let her lay her head on his shoulder and feel up his chest all night when there was always the fear of something happening with that big fuckin' tube 'a sewed into him! It weren't natural to have a big fuckin' tube 'a sewed into him…Grecia did a lot of…of…some kinda sleep touching shit, and Daryl mighta could gotten to be enjoyin' it if not for constantly having to pray her hand didn't go nowheres near the big fuckin' tube!
But…tonight would be different…that girl fell asleep on his shoulder with her arm across his chest again, and started dreaming about pettin' a cat, or playin' the piano, or whatever the hell her brain told her she was doing, then Daryl was ready for it! Of course, last night weren't the first time she'd pressed her hands all on his chest…maybe she just liked doing it? Why she'd like somethin' like that Daryl didn't understand…never had a woman wantin' to touch him much. The ones he'd been with were generally only after one thing: to find out if it was true what everyone said about them Dixon boys and why it was they walked so…and that had been fine with Daryl…touching and being touched was right up there with feeling feelings…he didn't really want no part of that. It was a lot easier to know that a woman was with him only for his big dick, cuz then that's all Daryl had to give her…no big deal about touching her, or her touching him…or kissing her…shit…what the hell reason could Grecia have for wanting to touch him…and why was it something that Daryl suddenly was getting to like?
Yeah…he shoulda grabbed up his bow and headed out…no more tube meant he was healed…even if the old doc had cautioned him to stay back and give healing up another day or two, said his body and lung were doing well, but were still vulnerable…too much exertion and his lung could collapse again. Rick wouldn't 'a been none too pleased if Daryl put himself back out on patrol with a prognosis like that, and with Rick being who Grecia was partnered up with today, there'd 'a been no way to avoid his finding out that Daryl had gone and snuck back to work early. So…Daryl stayed in…adjusting to how fuckin' awesome it was not to have a big fuckin' tube 'a sewed into him anymore, trying to find a comfortable way to put his arm down against the new handful of sutures what closed up the incision made for the big fuckin' tube and sat here in the rocking chair what he'd pulled over to the window, watching up the gravel road for Rick and Grecia to come walking home again…it was gettin' onto time, they're patrol should be just about over.
But, that weren't the only way Daryl was passin' the time. He had a book in his lap, was meanin' to get some learnin' on kissing done…he hoped; this weren't exactly a kissing kinda book. But he was desperate! If Grecia had given in and 'et them eggs this morning, Daryl woulda been in a world of trouble. He'd have had to kiss her…and he wouldn't 'a knowed how to do that! Not like he'd anyone to turn to, male influence wise, in order to try and get it figured out. Men didn't talk 'bout no kissin'! At least…Daryl was pretty sure they didn't…Merle never did…shit…did Merle ever kiss Grecia any? But long before that could spark any kind of insecure spurn-ings, Daryl found himself grimacing and grunting a laugh…Merle? Kiss Grecia? Merle, kiss anyone? Right! But…what did his brother used to do with Grecia? Yeah, 'what' was obvious…but…how'd he do it? Weren't a good idea for Daryl to do 'it' too…let what was Merle's with Grecia stay just that…
Shit! No! Don't even think about that kinda sex stuff! Jesus Christ…Merle had always had more conquests than what Daryl did, but then Merle chased a hell of a lot more tail than what Daryl'd ever cared about havin'. And there were one or two…or more, women what Merle had at some point and then passed off to Daryl…at least, that had been up until Daryl'd ended up needing to dip into Merle's stash of injectable Ceftriaxone himself once, and that about killed any interest Daryl had in any woman what he'd seen with his brother.
But the point was that Merle previously fucking a girl what Daryl ended up fucking too, weren't nothin' new. It shouldn't bother him…but it did sorta…Merle may not've ever been trying to rape Grecia, so Daryl didn't have to worry about traumatizing her…but he did have to worry about trying to be better than his brother had been at sex with her…but, how in hell was Daryl supposed to pull that off when it was Merle what had most of the sexual experience? To keep gettin' all the women what Merle kept gettin', Daryl's big brother musta had somethin'…and whatever it was, Daryl knew he just didn't have it…didn't even know what it was…so how was he going to be "better" at sex than Merle?
Daryl sighed and shook his head at himself. He loved that dang girl…didn't really regret that he did, even if this love shit kept getting more and more complicated every time he turned around, made him not only want to be better at sex with her than Merle had been, but also made it important to draw some kinda definitive line between Merle and how he used to be with Grecia, and Daryl and how it was that Daryl was with Grecia now. That girl was Daryl's now…Merle left her behind the same as he did Daryl when he lit out off 'a that roof…and while Daryl would take only temporary charge of his brother's bike and the angel wing cut what Merle used to wear, ready to return them both to his brother should ever they find one another, Daryl was keeping Grecia…and whatever reasons that dang girl had for wanting to feel up his chest the way she did seem to like doing…even if her wanting to doing it was throwing Daryl for a real loop.
Hmm…she do that feelin' up stuff to Merle, too? Would Merle let her do that kinda shit? Probably not…Daryl just couldn't see his brother wasting time with shit like that; Merle was more about gettin' in, gettin' off and then gettin' out. But, really, it didn't matter that Grecia maybe coulda been rubbin' her hands all over his brother's chest; hard to be caught up in shit that Daryl was ninety-nine percent sure never happened, and besides Grecia was doing it to Daryl's chest now; Daryl was the only recipient of that kinda worship from her, and it made Daryl feel like he…no, it made him want to be good at sex, made him want to be able to make Grecia know he loved her…he didn't want to be just some big dick. But…that's really all he was…a big dick…hey…what the fuck? Did he just up and call himself a big dick? Shit! He'd 'a beat the daylights outta any fucker what said that about him! And now he'd gone and said it about himself! God damn it! Grecia's penchant for rubbin' her hands on his chest was messin' him up good…that dang girl 'a his…why was she wantin' to be feelin' on him all the time?
Lord Almight, please let this book what Daryl'd come across be able to give him some idea about something! Weren't long after Hershel'd cut him loose 'a that big fuckin' tube when Daryl was up on his feet, the memory of what he'd 'a been stymied by tryin' to get figured out, on the spot, had Grecia took a bite 'a them eggs fresh in his mind…and Daryl went off on his own patrol within the house. There had to have been some kinda book with kissin' in it somewhere in this house…or one 'a them Cosmo magazines what he'd never had no use for before…but weren't nothin' of any real value on the bookshelf in Maggie and Glenn's room…not that Daryl'd dallied too long in there, didn't want no one to know he'd even gone in there, and he'd avoided Beth's room all together…she was far too young for any man to be makin' his way into her bedroom yet…so Daryl's search for an instructional text of sorts had been cursory at best. However, he'd managed to find a book what promised to maybe explain something on the big shelf full a books in Hershel's old office…and Daryl was going to it right now!
His book was kinda sparse on pictures, but then Daryl doubted that whatever pictures it would have was gonna help him much. He had to rely on the words mostly…not the most fool proof of systems, what with Daryl having failed the tenth grade twice and then just quit school…some guidance counselor had told him he was dyslexic, but since there weren't no cure for it, Daryl didn't see much use in tryin' to turn it around by struggling along in school with a buncha pain in the ass teachers telling him he had to "try harder." Fuck "trying harder"…Daryl's whole life had been about "trying harder," at that was before he'd ever set foot in a classroom. But, now the only thing that could possibly tell him how to kiss Grecia like he loved her, or how he might have some chance of being better than Merle was at sex with her, was this book…with a lot of words in it that Daryl'd never seen nowhere's else before. Fuck!
"Daryl," Carol's voice bounced up the stairs to him as her feet took each of the top few steps she had left to clear and before Daryl could get his book with hardly no pictures and a buncha strange words in it all the way hid, 'Mama Dixon' stood there in the doorway of the room he'd been recovering in. "Rick and Grecia checked in gettin' onto twenty minutes ago for the final time; they're heading back. I thought you'd like to know that." She smiled at him, and Daryl smiled back; 'Mama Dixon' did know her boy; all morning long Carol had been letting Daryl know whenever Grecia and Rick had made their check-ins.
"Yeah," Daryl nodded, and saw Carol now looking at how he'd pulled the rocking chair up to where he could sit and peer out the window for Rick and his girl to be comin' home again. 'Mama Dixon' smiled even bigger at him, and Daryl tried to look away, not liking these sorta cuddly moments very much…at least, not enough to want to seem like he wanted them to continue. Besides…he didn't want 'Mama Dixon' to catch him with the book what he had…and he'd only managed to shove it half way under the cushion on the rocking chair. "Thanks," he told Carol, and really did mean it, but he also had to get back to his book…without Carol seeing it…Grecia could end up eating something at any time; Daryl had to be ready!
But Carol wasn't leaving. Instead, she did just the opposite; her watching and smiling at how Daryl was set by the window had made her notice something outside, and now she'd come into the room to stand behind Daryl's chair and look outside herself. "There they come," she said and then pointed over his shoulder at two figures with guns on their backs that were ambling down the gravel road, a flash of red glinting in the sun off of Grecia's color faded hair. "And I want you to know that you did just fine in here with lettin' her go out with Rick. I was expectin' you to be much more cagey than you turned out to be." Carol laughed, but patted Daryl's shoulder softly.
Daryl groaned a little; he was glad to see Rick and his girl coming back, but now that meant his study time was up…and he still didn't know nothin' more than before he'd found this book in Hershel's old office…damn it…and to make matters even worse, Rick had just gone ahead and crossed through the main gate to the house, headed for where the wall construction was in full swing, but Grecia didn't follow him…she instead just stood there under the peach tree that was growing all away from the others in the orchard, pert near where Rick's group had made their camp when they'd first arrived, and Daryl was watching his girl looking up into that peach tree, at the branches, like she had her eye on a piece of fruit right now!
His heart started to race, pounding in his head…he wanted so badly to see Grecia reach up with one bony arm and pluck a peach off 'a that tree and put it to her mouth…he had a pretty good idea that she was genuinely hungry this morning, her eyes had been as all over his food as they had been his mouth, wantin' him to kiss her…and the way Grecia kept looking at his food had made him suggest she eat some…so yeah…c'mon girl, getja'self a peach from down off 'a that tree...but if she did, and she took a bite of it…shit…Daryl'd have to kiss her! Without realizing it, his hands had grabbed for his picture-light book with all the funny words and held it firmly to chest…
He felt Carol lean more against the rocker, both her hands gripping the curved back tightly, her eyes on the exact thing that Daryl watched, both of them sharing in the hopeful tension. "You think she actually might—"
"I hope," Daryl's voice was just above a whisper, same as Carol's was, both of them feeling how fragile a moment like this was for Grecia, so fragile that it felt like even the sound of their voices might crush it into nothing, even though Grecia was a good hundred yards from the house.
Grecia just stood there under that peach tree, looking in the same place…she saw something there, hopefully a peach that looked ripe enough to eat…yeah, it had to be, cuz Daryl's girl was really staring hard at it, like she was trying to talk herself out of it and into it all at the same time. Daryl's breathing was shallow and hushed, so was Carol's, 'Mama Dixon's' hand working its way down to grasp Daryl's shoulder in a mix of support for him and strength for herself, all four of their eyes glued on the ridiculous drama out the window. This was like waiting and watching for Grecia to catch that Black Rat snake all over again…would she or wouldn't she? Was she brave enough? Did she really mean what she'd said about trying to change? Daryl'd moved to the edge of his seat…c'mon girl…eat somethin'…c'mon…for him…do it for him…Daryl may not 'a known how to do it yet…may not ever be one to get it right, but he wanted to kiss his girl…wanted her to give him a reason to have to…
Grecia looked like a turkey 'a drowning in the rain, her head tilted up still, her whole body frozen as she contemplated the fruit what Daryl couldn't even see, but he knew it was there, it was like his girl was sending him a picture of it; a big, round yellow-orange world full of sugars and nutrients and calories, covered in velvet and stained with the blush like Daryl'd seen come over Grecia's skin last night when she'd been feelin' him up on his chest…he could feel her inhaling the fruit's sweetness through her nose, could feel the way it made her have to swallow…but she didn't move…she just looked and looked and stared and stared, both Daryl and Carol riveted to her every move despite that Grecia weren't making any. C'mon girl…eat…do it for him…
"The longer she stands still and gawks at it, the more nervous I get," Carol confessed in that low, soft whisper what rich people used whenever they watched golf, but Daryl only nodded, feeling the same, watching ever hopefully and wishing he had some way to encourage Grecia more than he could.
And then both he and Carol lurched forward and gasped, Grecia's arm raising up with a sudden jerk, reaching for whatever it was in the tree she'd spent so long looking at. Daryl's hands squeezed into anxious fists, his knuckles white, Carol gripping his shoulder so hard that it actually pained him some on his left chest, but he didn't say nothin'…couldn't, throat too constricted to talk…c'mon girl…c'mon…but as soon as it had all started, it was ruined…tipped off…invaded by the appearance of Dale in the scope of what Daryl and Carol had been captivated by…Dale, having apparently taken a break from working on the wall and had noticed Grecia standing out there, reaching up at that peach tree…
"No!" Daryl felt himself sit forward and yell, every muscle flexed like he was about to beat someone's ass, but there was no way to stop Dale…Dale couldn't hear him. Daryl growled and sighed at the same time, quickly glancing back at Carol, whose shoulders had stooped, less hopeful than what she had been. "Greesh feels like she can't eat if someone's watchin' her do it…so there that went…God damn it to hell…fuckin' Dale!"
"Daryl!" Carol mildly scolded, so mildly that Daryl could tell that 'Mama Dixon's' thoughts had been the same as his were, and still they watched, even though they knew…Dale, friendly and helpful as ever, marched right up to Grecia in his affable, waving at her way, and in no time, Dale had reached up into that peach tree, grabbed the object of Gecia's lengthy contemplation, pulled it free and then placed it Grecia's hand, hung around long enough for a few more little niceties, then turned and made his way back to go work on the wall some more…but Grecia…Daryl shook his head…she dropped that peach, her body givin' a shake as it hit the ground, then she put her back to that damn peach tree and headed for the main gate to the house.
Both Daryl and Carol exhaled together, a big, heavy breath of air and hope leaving them, Daryl sinking back into the rocking chair and still just shaking his head. Damn it…his girl had caught a fucking Black Rat snake, but she couldn't eat a fucking peach because Dale knowed she was going to do it? Shit! Daryl had some idea that eating was going to be tough for Grecia…but he hadn't really understood how tough, not until now. His girl had a real problem…it went a helluva lot deeper than a number on a scale or on the tag of a dress. Jesus…why the hell wouldn't she eat? Of all the shit they'd been talking about, why in hell hadn't Daryl ever asked her that? But he was going to have to…and he would…as soon as he got himself calmed down enough to do it…he weren't no good at conversations, particularly when his heart was all twisted up in'em…and lately, that seemed to be the only kind he was having! Life fuckin' sucked…but he loved that dang girl…and he'd do anything to help her.
"Well," Daryl sighed trying to climb back down the ladder what he'd been at the top of while watching Grecia under than peach tree. "At least I don't hafta humiliate myself now with havin' to kiss her." And he raised both his hands off his chest to rub at his eyes like he'd just woke up from a sound sleep…and as soon as his arms come off his chest…his book fell right onto the floor with a loud clap.
"What are you goin' on about?" Carol had already been asking even before the book landed, and Daryl was cussing himself for having spilled those beans, but when he noticed Carol noticing the book he'd been trying to read, he really wished he'd had a knife available enough to slit his damn throat with…God damn it…watchin' that girl 'a his under that tree got him all tripped up…had him droppin' embarrassing books on the floor in front of 'Mama Dixon' and spoutin' off 'bout shit that was supposed to be secret!
Carol, who had the benefit of not bein' caught up in a trap and smashed up by rocks and a fifty pound tree stump, and never needed a big fuckin' tube 'a sewed into her chest, was able to bend over and lunge for the book before Daryl was, and she picked it, her eyes going right to the title as she stood again, delaying her handing it back to Daryl. "'The Theory and Practice of Modern Breeding Techniques in Beef Cattle?'" She read the book cover aloud, gettin' more and more confused with every word, finally making a face that woulda been funny had it not been cuz of somethin' she'd just caught Daryl with, then she stood with her hands, Daryl's love manual in one of them, on her hips. "Whatever are you about, Daryl?"
Daryl sunk down in the rocking chair more, even though it hurt a little to do so…but since he didn't possess the power to make himself just disappear, slinking down into a heap in the chair was his only defense. "God damn it," he sorta groaned and whined together, knowing there was no way out of this now…and the worst part was that he still hadn't learned anything about how to kiss his girl like he loved her, or how to be better at sex with her than Merle was…nope, that book he'd picked more wanted to talk about things like "teaser cows in estrus" and "artificial vaginas"…like that was really a thing…if it were, the customer service department of the company what made 'em woulda been on a first name basis with Merle!
Shit…this weren't helping anything…Daryl just wanted to…damn it, he had to talk to Grecia, one more time, and he had to figure out how to kiss his girl…that's all he wanted…he just wanted to know what he had to do in order to kiss that girl 'a his like she was everything to him that she was! Why was that so much to ask for? He groaned again and briefly turned his head Carol's direction, feeling found out and cranky, but knowing 'Mama Dixon' was going to stay on her simpleton boy's case until he made with the details. Daryl sighed…didn't want to say any of this to anyone…but, well…it was 'Mama Dixon,' and she'd always been able to help him in the past…but Jesus H. Christ…he was going to ask her how to kiss Grecia? Really? Carol never kissed no women…at least, not the way Daryl wanted to kiss Grecia…so, it didn't make sense to be askin' her…but…but…Daryl was going to. "Look, I made this deal with Grecia that if she'd eat something, I'd kiss her. Only I can't kiss her, cuz…I can't! I don't know how! So, I found that book and thought maybe it would somehow, give me some idea, about somethin'…so…can I just have my book back, please?"
At that, Carol chucked the book onto the bed back handed, like getting rid of it. "You most certainly cannot!" She huffed at him like that book was the world's largest insult to women or something…and maybe it was…maybe women were offended by artificial vaginas? What did Daryl really know, anyway? But Carol weren't through, was starting to pace a little bit like she just didn't know where to begin with him. But when she started to talk, it wasn't the tirade Daryl had been expecting, just some kind of…weird nervousness, like 'Mama Dixon' was worried about him or something. "You turned kissing her into some kind of game of chance? You can't get no closer to the thought of it than that?" She asked then sighed again. "You never kissed a girl before?"
"Not like…you know," And then Daryl felt his skin get all hot and turn red…and he tried to slump down a little further in the chair, but he was already as low as he could get and still be in the chair. "I just never thought about bein'…close…with someone like that ever before."
Carol nodded. "So…you're…" and she was acting all hesitant, like she was trying really really hard not to upset him or offend him. "You're…a…I mean to say that, you've never…you and a girl…you never got…together, in such a way that—"
Holy shit! "I ain't no God damn virgin!" Daryl yelled; the words launching out of his mouth so strongly that it had sat him back up straight in the chair, and loudly enough that the whole house probably heard him. Fuck…this was just perfect! How the hell had admitting he didn't know how to kiss a girl been skewed to mean that he was a virgin? Shit no, he weren't no virgin! Why would Carol think that?
"Okay," Carol immediately was trying to soothe the savage situation what she'd aroused. "I didn't say that you were."
"Naw, cuz you done made me say it!" Daryl replied unforgivingly and threw himself back into the chair, grimacing in pain…damn big fuckin' tube! Even with it was gone, he could still feel it!
"Daryl, it's okay…please calm down." Carol came around in front of him now; squatting down beside him and taking both his hands in hers, calming down herself now, slipping back into her sweet, but firm self. "I understand now, and I'm sorry for making assumptions. I get it…it's love you've never been in before, not—" but then Carol stopped short and tried to pretend she wasn't going to say what she was obviously thinking…and Daryl, by now exhausted by this subject, said nothing. Carol patted his arm, reassuring him. "I just had to know how to talk to you about this, that's all. Now I do, so if you're comfortable with it, I think I have an answer for you."
Daryl sighed, looked over at her kind of contemptuously, but he nodded his head. "I'm not a virg—" he'd started to say again for some reason, but Carol cut him off with a stern, yet sweet look.
"Hush yourself about that, now." She ordered quietly and waited until Daryl did…not challenging him on it, just letting him get to a place where he felt less defensive like she always knew how to do somehow. "Now look," she began once Daryl felt settled, but her tone carried some kind of finality that Daryl never remembered hearing in it before whenever she talked to him the way she was now, but Carol was no less sweet. "I do want to be here for you, and for Grecia; I love the two of ya's like you were my own. But just like I'd hafta do if you were my own, there comes a time when I hafta back out of what's between you as a couple and let you find your way together in it." Carol sighed, gave Daryl's hand a pat, then a tight squeeze as if she was somehow saying goodbye to whatever stage of their relationship they were about to leave…and he felt suddenly sad, and didn't know exactly why…he just steeled himself and didn't show it, but 'Mama Dixon' knew her boy…didn't let go of his hands as she continued to speak. "But, in light of how if I don't give you at least a hint on this one, you'll end up turning yourself into some kind of…cow…pimp," she sighed, rolled her eyes and laughed a little bit, making Daryl do the same…almost. "I will tell you the only thing that I can tell you about this."
"Lose the book?" Daryl asked, sounding unimpressed, but really, he was anxious to hear Carol's suggestion…'Mama Dixon' knew everything.
"Definitely, yes, lose the book!" Carol was boldly agreeing, nodding her head as she laughed some.
Daryl shrugged. "Weren't like there was a lotta shit in there I coulda tried unless I run Grecia into a squeeze chute first, anyway." He admitted, and that time did chortle outwardly a little bit.
"Lose the book, yeah!" Carol nodded again, smiling a little more, but then she sighed again. "And as far as kissing that girl goes, or anything more than that, it ain't no thinkin' kinda thing. You just need to feel what you feel when you're with her, follow that like it's a river, cuz just like a river will always lead you back home, following your feelings for her will always get you where you want to be, too."
What? More feelings? Shit! That weren't no answer, damn it! "But, what about…what about what I'm supposed to do? Like, where do I put my—"
"Daryl!" And again she cut him off, made him be quiet, calming him down. "You're thinking. Just feel."
"Feel," Daryl grumbled, stewing in the rocking chair. "I 'feel' like an ass!"
But Carol just smirked a little, 'Mama Dixon' having said all that she could and not about to change or temper any of it just because her simpleton boy…who wasn't a virgin…refused to believe it…and then she got all snarky, but still somehow sweet. "Well, if you ever expect to feel Grecia's, I suggest you take my advice!"
Author's Note: Whew! Sunday nights are the worst trying to get chapters posted! I owe a lot of you AN's and I am anxious to talk to you, and I will at the end of Chapter 38…I hate skipping out on you like that, but with the weather warming up and my husband's MC going on more runs and what not…well, suffice it to say that I tried to answer you all now, it wouldn't be intelligible!lol Thank you all for reading and for reviewing, and for also answering my PM about the "date" story! You've all given me some really great stuff to work with and I can't wait to get to making it all do something!
Special Thanks and Welcome to BLUEMOONOFSCREAMINGSILENCE for making this story one of her favorites! We love new blood around here, so feel free to join the discussion!
Also, are there by any chance any members of the "Dixon's Vixens" reading this story? If you are, I was considering joining your ranks and just wanted to know a little more about it. If you wouldn't mind PMing me, I'd really appreciate it! Thank you in advance!
And, the Photo Album has been updated! That'll do it…I think…I'm so tired I really can't So sorry to be cutting it short tonight, but I will be catching up with you all in the next Chapter, I value you all far too much not to! Thanks again for reading and reviewing and I hope your weekend was as lovely and as wonderful as all of you are yourselves! Thanks again! - Grace
– s fav