Chapter 37

Life Gets Better

A/N: This chapter involves topics related to suicide. Just a heads up.

Roman was sitting down on the couch next to Ruby with the two of them staring out at the sunrise. Roman held her hand while he waited for Ruby to speak up. She broke the contact and brought her hands up to hide her face. "Look it's… It's just hard. I feel so stupid."

Roman hugged her gently and kissed her head. "If it's hurting you this much then it's not stupid. I know I may not be able to fix whatever's wrong but I at least would like to know what caused this?"

Ruby remained silent.

After a brief pause Roman said "When we first started dating I knew that there was going to be rough times. When you're in a relationship you aren't just dating a part of that person; you're dating all of them. You're dating their anger, sadness, jealousy and everything else. I know you feel as if you would be vulnerable but you shouldn't be afraid. I love you and that means all of you. I will never judge you and no problem is too large or too small for you to come to me. You've seen me at my darkest moments so I understand what it's like to be afraid to let things out. But nothing that you could ever say or do would stop me from loving you. So can you please tell me what's wrong?

She sniffled a little before she said "It's just that… I felt like my life was over. That everything I've ever done was just thrown out the window."

"That's not true-"

"How would you know!" She snapped. "All you've ever wanted to do was to survive and get revenge. You don't have any rules you have to follow. You don't have a moral code! You don't have a voice that haunts you telling you that you're a murderer!"

"...Actually, I do."

"You're just trying to make me feel better."

"No, I'm serious."

"Then… Then how do you block it out?"

"You don't."

"That sure is helpful." Ruby scoffed.

"If you do block it out then you're no better than the man I used to be. I'd gladly take hearing my conscience scream at me than revert back into that hollow shell of a man I was."

Ruby paused to digest what he said before asking, "So what do I do?"

"You don't let it control you for one thing. You have to learn from it and make yourself a better person. I've had to learn from my mistakes and I've become a better man because of it. But the most important thing is that you keep on living. Keep moving forward."

"But how can I keep on living if nothing can ever be the same? I'm not dumb. Before they took me away they let me talk to Ozpin. He explained to me earlier what would be the only thing that could keep me from the chair. Plead insanity! I was going to be locked up and drugged like I'm some permanently injured animal that everyone pities too much to put down. That's what my life has come to. I'm just a worthless animal." She spat.

Roman gave her a soft squeeze before he said, "Ruby you are not an animal. You are a person. A magnificent and valuable person who has the ability to make people out of animals like me."

"How's the rest of the world going to see that though?! I saw Cardin try to take advantage of me and I fired in self-defense. How can I say that when all the evidence shows him just standing there while I pulled out a gun and shot him? I thought I was going crazy and I know now that it was all an illusion but that doesn't make anything better. Cardin's still dead and I killed him."

"He did have it coming."

Roman regretted saying that even before it finished leaving his mouth. Ruby jumped back from him, landing on the other side of the couch. Ruby looked straight at him with cold eyes before screaming "THAT'S NOT HELPING!"

Roman held his hands in the air and worked hard to make sure that his voice remained as soft and soothing as he could make it. "Alright, I'm sorry. That just slipped out. We can work on this. But I need you to understand something. Under no circumstances is death the answer. It won't solve anything. Got that?"

She brought her head down to look away from him and kept going on. "The idea had just crept into my head and I had nothing to fight against it. I had already said goodbye to my team, I know how tiny our chances of living past this are, and my chances of becoming a huntress were thrown out the window. So I tried to swallow every pill I could find. I didn't read any of the labels I just started going wild swallowing everything."

"Then, how-"

"I threw them up. Once I finished I realized what I'd done. I started thinking about how you'd react. I know how much losing someone close means to you and I didn't want to die knowing that I ruined your life. I was fine taking my own but I didn't want to take you down with me. So I remembered hearing something about touching that hangy-thingy in the back of your mouth makes you throw up. I found out it's true. I did it over and over again until I was sure every last pill came up. You found me soon afterwards."

He was taken aback by her jumping forward and pushing him back. He could hear her ragged breathing as she held onto the edges of his suit. She looked up at him to have him see a steady flow of tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me?" She was barely able to get out before she started crying into his undershirt.

Roman gently brought her into his embrace and said "No, I'm not mad."

"You're lying."

"I'm not-"

"Yes you are!" She screamed.

"No!" He shouted. He cupped her face and forced her to look at him eye to eye. "Look at me. I'm not mad. I'm just very, very afraid. I'm scared of the idea of losing you. I love you and I want to go on so many adventures with you. I want to make all your dreams reality and give you everything you ever wished for. I want us to eventually grow old together loving each other. But… But we can't do that if you're gone. Life hardly means anything to me if I don't have you to enjoy it with. You have so much left to do before you go."

He leaned forward to give her a loving kiss. He was relieved to feel her muscles relax at the contact. After breaking the kiss he caressed her jawline to keep her face close to his. "I know things are rough," he went on, "I know that things aren't easy. But things will get better. I promise."

"How can you promise that?"

"Because I have you. You are what has made my life better and I plan on returning the favor. But I understand what you're going through. I understand more than you think."

"How?"

"Because I have gone through something similar." He let go of Ruby to roll up his sleeve. He felt his heart race as he revealed to her a secret that he had never told another living soul. He looked down to see the familiar streaks of even scars on both his wrist and up his arm.

"You-you tried-" He heard her stutter.

He could not meet her eyes. "Yes… I did."

"But I thought you said you'd do anything to survive?"

"There is a difference between living and surviving. Once I had given up on living, surviving became the only thing left. But my way down that dark road was covered in thorns. Thorns that left nothing but scars and regret. So I understand what you're thinking. I understand that things may seem irreparable. But I need you to trust me. It will get better."

He looked back up at her to say with a renewed confidence "Ruby, you are the strongest person I know. You'll get through this and I'll be here to help you every step of the way."

They stared into each other's eyes waiting for the other to say something. Ruby parted her mouth a few times to say something but kept backing down. She breathed a stressed sigh and said "Roman you'll do anything for me right?"

"Of course."

"Then I want you to erase a memory."

"What?!" Roman yelled.

"I'm not asking for much. Just one memory in particular."

"What of?"

"Emerald's vision."

"What did you see?"

Tears returned to her eyes once she began. "Wh-wh-what I saw was hell. I had to sit there and watch everyone I know slowly die. Weiss was frozen to death and I had to see her skin crack and break. Blake was dissected alive like she was some animal used for testing. Yang was burned slowly like she was some pig on a spigot. I-I saw you skinned alive. I had to watch the life leave your eyes while you bled out. Your last words were that you love me and that you would watch over me once you died. Do you have any idea how hard that was to watch?!"

Roman knew that it was bad but he never imagined that it would have been that bad. "I can't imagine the pain that had to have caused."

"And Mom! Oh god Mom. She was the one doing it. She was the one who killed you all. And she never looked away from me with that smile she had when she gave me cookies as a kid. After every kill she would say that they died because of me. That it was because of me. That it was my fault. So please, I beg of you, get this out of my head!"

He could feel the pain. He could feel her pain of suffering, the pain of guilt and the pain of her rejection to his refusal. "I can't."

"I understand that you don't like to use your semblance but please? Please help me?"

"Ruby I'm sorry but I won't."

"Why not?! Nothing's holding you back. That's what first made me think of ending it all. I just need to get rid of it."

"Ruby I'm not saying no just because I want to. I told you before that the higher the influence of the memory, the harder it is to delete. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, the more it influences you the harder it is to get rid of. The mind holds onto core memories harder than others because they've been remembered so many times. To delete a memory this severe I'd have to delete every time your conscious and subconscious remembered it. There's only so much I can get rid of before my own life gets in danger.

I've tried to do something similar for someone who asked me to and it failed. I almost died from blood loss and their memory was shattered. Because I couldn't get rid of the memory I was trying to, all of the power deleted random memories throughout their life. They were a completely different person afterward and it's all my fault. Perry was never the same again.

Plus erasing memories isn't a 'get-out-free' pass. Erasing it won't help in the long run. It hurts you. The pain isn't at first but it's considerably worse than anything I'd try to erase. It leaves you blank spaces where you don't know what was going on. You start to doubt if all your memories are real or if they're just remnants of a shattered self. It's driven people insane before.

I'm not risking the chance of changing you in order to get rid of a nightmare."

"It's more than a nightmare."

"No, it's not. It wasn't real. Your team is still alive. I'm still alive. Your mother… I'm sure that she's watching over you and protecting you as we speak. You're strong. You're stronger than I could ever hope to be. I know you can pull through this. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for us, for everyone who loves and cares about you."

"That all sounds familiar."

"That's because it's what you taught me. You showed me that this life is worth living. I don't mind returning the favor."

Roman leaned over the side of the couch and found what he had been looking for. Ruby had set her stuff down on its side but had not put everything away yet. He grabbed her storybook and turned back to her.

While he opened to find the first of many stories Ruby asked, "Why do you have that?"

"Because I know how much these stories mean to you. So if you wanted me to I thought I could read a few of them aloud for you." He said with a reassuring smile.

"Yeah… That would be nice." She said with a small smile of her own.

The day progressed on rather smoothly. They passed time with stories and games of every kind. Every once and awhile he would remind her of his feelings for her and that she still had loving friends and family. He would not ask anything of her and made sure to be patient and slow. He did not expect her to jump back immediately. He knew that there was only so much she could take. Even the most strong-willed of people have dark times. Ruby just needed some time to heal. If he could speed up the healing process, even by a little, then he would do whatever it took to get her to smile. Her few smiles were the crowning points of his day.

He blamed himself. It was because of her relationship with him that all this happened. If he had never allowed her to get so close then this disaster never would have occurred. But he knew that there was nothing he could do to change the past. All he could hope for was to amend the future.

He ordered food for the two of them so that he could stay with her all day. It was at dinner that Ruby said "Thank you for doing all this. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. It's my fault all this happened to you. If it wasn't for me then you would still be with your team in your dorm room."

"No it's my fault. I knew that there were risks in accepting who you were. I knew that horrible things could happen if I kept on loving you. But I continued on anyway. I'm just paying the price."

"You of all people didn't deserve this. None of this should've happened, everything that led to this situation, and you didn't deserve any of the pain you've felt. I wanted to leave my life behind and join yours but we're stuck with the exact opposite. I'm so sorry that you're the one taking the heat meant for me. I hate to see you suffer and I promise we're going to get everything back and you'll be a huntress again. In the meantime, I'll do whatever it takes to help you."

"I know. That's why I'm thankful for what you've done today. You've gone out of your way just for the hope of getting a smile out of me."

"It's the least I could do. I'm not very skilled with these situations so I just decided to do what I thought would be best. You mean too much to me to not do anything."

"Thank you and I'm sorry. That's why I'm apologizing for making you worry. I had just become so overworked about everything that I was stupid and reckless. I want to promise you that I won't try anything like that ever again, but I don't know if I can. I'm not alright. I'm not safe. I don't think I'll try to end everything but I don't know if I can be the same again. I just don't think it's possible."

"I understand. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you are. Just know that I'm here for you no matter what. If you ever need anything or want to talk about anything no matter how insignificant, tell me. As long as you promise to not give up then I won't either. Does that work for you?"

"Yes."

The rest of the evening Roman spent watching Ruby play games on one of his computers. He had an entire room dedicated to running security sweeps, to scanning the media for potential leaks, to organizing the finances of his syndicate. He had a spare that he was not using and within five minutes Ruby had found a way to download games and started playing. Whatever game it was it revolved around the four kingdoms at war and they were fighting to take control of Remnant. Yet strange enough it was a card game.

Ruby made it two player so he could play as well. It was simple enough and he soon caught the hang of it. This left his mind to wander onto different things, specifically the woman right beside him. He saw more than just her. He saw her soul. It was more than just the bright and happy girl most knew her as. He saw her white side whose smile always made his day. He saw her black side that was filled with all her hidden pain. But yet neither existed without the other. These two sides combined to form the most perfect shade of silver that matched her eyes. It made her look even more beautiful. Together they made her, all of her. The real Ruby. The real Ruby that he would love and treasure forever.

That night he laid there in bed thinking. He felt tired enough to go to sleep and he had no doubt that he could, but he wanted some time to think to himself. He had been more scared today than he had been in a long time. He gently brushed his hand up and down Ruby's back to remind him that she was safe and with him. The contact made her yawn once before she snuggled in closer. It brought a smile to his face. Everything about her made him happy. That she trusted him, loved him and was right there next to him. Even if they were completely surrounded by threats both external and internal they still had each other.

Although he had lived here for the past few years only tonight did he really feel like he was home. He thought about when was the last time he felt that way. No time in his life came in mind. He read somewhere that home was where one belongs and is surrounded by people who love them. With a realization as to what that meant he gave Ruby a small squeeze. He now knew that there was no place he would rather be.

And he swore to himself that he would do everything in his power to support, protect, and care for Ruby so that she would feel as safe and secure as he was in this moment.

A/N 1: While writing angst and drama is fun I want you all to know that some topics I don't touch lightly. I don't do this just for myself. I know that my writing can impact people and teach them lessons. So I want to do my part. I dedicate this chapter to all readers who need it. To all of those whose inner darkness seemingly snuffed out the light in the world. To all of those who felt like there was no reason to exist in this world anymore. Because I know what that feels like. I have stared into the abyss before and have been fortunate to have friends and family pull me right out. I know many are not as lucky as I am so while I have not gone through so much that others have, I at least know what it feels like. I was stopped in the early stages before it went too far.

To those of you that this applies to: you are so brave. You are some of the bravest people I know. This world we live in is cruel and inhumane but yet you stick through it. Even though you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel you keep on walking. But I promise you that the light is there. It really is there. It took me about a year to find it. My sibling after four years and counting can see it and is trying their best to reach it. It's really there.

I know it's cliche but it's the truth. It may take a while for it to be true and the path may be covered with thorns. Thorns that leave nothing but scars and regret. But I promise you, I promise you, life really does get better.

Thank you for your time.

A/N 2: I'll be as brief as I can with this. Schoolwork is at the busiest time this year so I need to focus on that instead of this for the time being. That's why I haven't updated in a month and don't know when I will again. But I'm still working on this, just at a much slower pace so don't forget me now. I would've just kept the author's note above and not this had it not been so long since I last updated. I hope you all have a good day and remember that somebody out there cares about you. See you next time.