I woke up again, in the middle of the night. I was lying in the same hospital bed I had spent days sleeping in. I looked about, trying to get my bearings again. I noticed that in the bed to the right of me, Kaguya was sleeping. It was gently raining outside. I went out to cool off. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know anything about what I was supposed to even try to do. I was confused, and devastated. Since I drank the Hourai Elixir, I couldn't die, and if the monster would only die when I did, I would have to fend it off for all of eternity. There was a puddle nearby, so I got some water in my hands, and splashed my face. I couldn't think straight, and knew I needed to if I were to do anything to help anyone. I stayed there, continuously splashing myself for about five minutes. When my thoughts regained a status of relative clarity, I started to think what I could do.
"What can I do to erase that part of myself?" I asked aloud. I looked back in the window, seeing Kaguya. I started to think, and remembered the nightmare I had about my death. Kaguya loved me in the dream, which proved true. According to the creature, it would die when I died. I couldn't help but start to cry quietly. I had realized that I had found love, and realized I had all of eternity to enjoy my new life with Kaguya. Despite that, it seemed that I was going to have to sacrifice myself regardless. I didn't know how I could go about inflicting death upon myself when I was immortal, but I knew that it was going to have to be made possible, even if I had to deal the killing blow myself, I knew that for the sake of Gensokyo, and the outside world, I needed to be slain. I went back inside, and sat on my bed, unable to sleep. Eventually, as the Sun rose, I heard Kaguya wake up. I stopped writing, and went to greet her.
"Hey Kaguya..." As soon as I spoke, I could tell that I was still not right. My voice just sounded nervous, and unsure. Kaguya looked at me with some amount of shock.
"Have... Have you been up all night?"
"Yeah... Pretty much..."
"Are you okay? You sound really shaken up..."
"Yeah, I'll be fine..."
"Okay..." She walked out of the room. I went back to thinking about what I could possibly do. I went to another room, found an empty book in what seemed to be a small library, and a pen with an inkwell. I began to write any possible ideas as to what the solution could have been, possible ways of working around my immortality to be able to defeat the monster. At the same time, I was searching for the best scenario possible, one that wouldn't involve me dying, as I didn't want to lose my chance at making up for my troubled past with a gifted future. I wrote the whole day, about possible solutions, and even into the night again, not sleeping, not willing to lose all that I cared about. Every time I looked over a plan, I'd become frustrated and scribble over it as it seemed futile. I had written down seventy-three plans in that time frame, and all of them were discarded. My mind became blank, and I sat alone. A few moments later, Eirin came to check on me.
"Jacob, is something wrong? You've been in here for... You've been here all day... You probably should get some sleep..." She explained her concern.
"No, no, I'm fine..." I replied meaninglessly. I was starting to sound genuinely insane. I was almost certain that my sanity was no longer completely intact.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm just writing... Something..."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing..." I was still shivering somewhat. I hadn't slept for days, and was still very uneasy. I was paranoid that she'd see all the grotesque ways of trying to end myself in a way that the Hourai Elixir couldn't revive me from.
"Can I see it then?"
"Well.." She had carefully taken the book while I formulated a response. I lay my head down on the table. "I really don't know what I'm going to do..." I was on the verge of tears again.
"What's the matter?" Seeing my ruined plans, she set the book back down.
"Eirin, you don't understand..." I lifted my head to look her in the eyes, only showing my desperate expression. "If that monster dies, it will mean that I have already died... It cannot die unless I do the same... Please don't tell Kaguya about this, but I've been trying to find ways to sacrifice myself to defeat it, to protect Gensokyo and the outside world, and specifically, her..."
"Jacob... I'm so sorry, I had no idea..."
"Don't feel bad, it's all my fault anyway... I doomed myself to this through my unforgiving anger in the past... I'm the one that created that monster..." Eirin just stared at me in shock. "I've tried so hard to tell myself that it'll all be okay. No matter how much I write, no matter how much I try, I always realize again that it is all going to have to come down to it... It all has to come down to me dying...!" I lay my head in my arms on the table, breaking down. "I established a name for myself, started a new life! Now it all has to be taken away, and it's all because of my past!" I again lifted my head slightly, not even able to make eye contact with Eirin. "You mustn't tell Kaguya of this, I implore you, keep this a secret, or she will beg me to find an alternative when there is none..."
"I... I won't..." She agreed. She left the room, nearly in tears herself. I hit my fist on the table, as I wanted to survive to enjoy the life I was given a chance to experience, but there was no other way than to sacrifice myself. Even more dreadful was the fact that I had to do it in a way that even the Hourai Elixir couldn't save me from, and ideas of exactly how were starting to creep into my head again. My seventy-fourth idea came to me. I remembered that I was capable of manipulating the mind. The idea was that I could use that ability to render myself brain dead, and in a permanent coma, hopefully in order to destroy the memories from which the monster drew strength. The seventy-forth idea seemed to be the most promising in terms of successfully defeating the monster. The only problem with that plan was the fact that I was incapable of manipulating my own mind directly. I needed to find out how to work around that issue, and I couldn't bear to explain to Kaguya that I was planning to end myself, when she wanted to spend eternity with me.