Alright. I promised somewhere around the teen mark that I'd do something to Eddums suit if I hit ten thousand views. Now that...Was partially in jest because I didn't actually think I'd hit 10k. Or 30+ favs. Or 100 comments. Ahem. Sorry, still trying to bend my head around how popular this thing is. Well, I'm of my word. Lets do something awful to Edward's precious suit!

Bonus 10k chapter: Dogs are not Man's Best Friend.

It started, ominously, with the doorbell. Nothing good ever comes from doorbells. It was a strange theory but Edward Nigma had sat through enough thrillers and slasher flicks - Never by choice mind you, but his peers had an...Eclectic taste - to know that a doorbell ringing at 3 am on a wet and misty morning should have gone unanswered. Unfortunately for him, through a combination of sleep deprivation and an inherent desire to chastise and tongue lash whichever unfortunate had caused him to fall out of his comfortable computer chair at the ring of the bell, he was going to answer.

Consciousness and awakeness were not similar in the least.

Edward stumbled through his darkened lair, grumbling to himself he'd hang whoever was at the door by the tittle as a warning. No, he'd do better. He'd make them the question mark. Whatever he'd have to break to do it.

'Who in their right mind-?!' He didn't get much further.

'EDDIE!'

Ow.

The sheer explosive happiness almost concussed him, not that it would take much. He'd only had an hour's sleep. He blinked blearily and found a black and red clown on his doorstep with two hulking, giggling bags of fur. Her hair stuck up in angles that suggested concussive force and that theory was furthered by the smell of burned hair that overlayed the whole thing, an even more powerful stench than wet dog. An hour was not nearly long enough to deal with the sunny, sugar addled harlequin. 'Harley,' He grunted. His voice sounded like a sick, possibly dying frog. If he'd caught something from interacting with those filthy lackeys he paid - 'What're you doing here?' He asked thickly.

'I was kinda hoping you'd put me and my babies up for the night!' She chirped desperately. His first instinct was to go with no and slam the door in her face. On the other hand, not housing Harley instantly volunteered you for a very volatile visit from the plant lady, Pamela Isely who was currently on her one and only holiday in the Amazon getting together with nature to murder and mutilate the loggers that threatened it.

Edward wasn't quite sure how long that little working holiday would take but he was well aware that Ivy would hear about such an incident. It wasn't that Edward was scared of Ivy, he was just fond of living. 'The night?' He inquired.

Harley laughed rather pathetically and played with a pom-pom on her costume. 'Yeah. I woulda gone to Red's but she's out and well, y'see, we had an incident with the microwave and a grenade...' She chuckled. 'It was an honest mistake! How was I to know it would blow sky high?'

Edward barely refrained from replying rather snarkily - That's what grenades do. 'And Joker kicked you out for that?' He raised an eyebrow. It didn't take the deductive skills of Batman or the intelligence of The Riddler to see what had happened.

'Nah...he threw me out because I blew up the oven,' Harley gave another nervous chuckle. 'But don'tcha worry! I know where I went wrong! I think.'

Note to self, do not let Harley do anything domestic. At all.

He knew that despite his very real and true feelings on Harley, he was going to have to let her in. Why couldn't she have bothered Jonathan? He didn't want filthy slobbering dogs in his hideout, he already had to put up with filthy, slobbering lackeys! Lackeys that give him germs and are incompetent at best and destructive cretins unworthy of his pay at worst. Still, he'd rather have those giggling, flea ridden menaces than be choked out by a daisy. 'This arrangement will last only for the night.' He warned her.

'Gotcha!' Harley smiled.

'Come in,' Edward sighed and pushed the door open. 'I suppose you'll be taking my bed.' Harley squealed in delight and made to move past when Edward's hand slammed into the lintel and he turned to her with his most menacing glare. 'But if I wake up to those mangy things on my sheets or destroying my traps, i will give instruction to shoot them,' He menaced.

'Uh, sure thing Eddie!'

'Good.'

Another jumbo jet screech signaled Harley's acceptance of the stipulation and she bounded in, followed somewhat lazily by Bud and Lou.

He closed the door and followed her onto the main floor as she looked around. 'Wow Eddie, I expected something...Greener.' He resisted the urge to snap that he wasn't totally obsessed with the colour, thankyouverymuch. 'And why're the walls covered in these wierd symbols?' Harley muttered.

'That's math!' He spluttered. 'Calculations for my next series of traps!'

'On the wall?' Harley giggled.

'I ran out of room on the chalkboards,' Edward admitted ruefully.

'Mistah J usually puts smiley faces and jokes and stuff on the wall! He calls it interior decorating.' Harley laughed and then it fell. 'I goofed up.' She hiccuped. 'Mistah J won't take me back this time!'

Any other fool would have assured her that Joker would have taken her back. After all, she was his...God knows. However Edward simply didn't care. In fact, he rather hoped Joker didn't so they would all be spared the drama and pageantry of their relationship. After all, Joker didn't need Harley, not really.

Still, he was not paid to be a psychologist. He was achingly tired and his old, understuffed computer chair was looking more and more inviting. He had a bed but, well, Harley would be using it. He may not want her there but there was such a thing as manners. Plus - Ivy would bear down on him with the leaf brigade if Harley began a litany of complaints about her back and it's aches from him and his lumpy old couch. She dealt with Harley's whining simply and effectively.

'Food's in the fridge, there's a Tv somewhere.' He mumbled and ran a hand down his face. He could fall asleep against a wall, he had on occasion.

'You have a Tv Eddie?' Harley laughed. 'You?'

'The lackeys use it. Keeps them quiet.' He grumbled and began to climb the stairs.

He didn't remember throwing off his jacket, didn't remember collapsing into his chair, he didn't remember going back to sleep.

'Lou! Lou you don't do that to Eddie's- Awww baby!'

Edward woke to the sounds of canine retching and immediately sat up. The door to his office was open, that was unusual. He could also hear quite alarming sounds from downstairs. It took him a second to remember Harley and her Hyenas had turned up like filthy, insane waifs looking for a warm hearth and had somehow concluded that the best prospect of that was him.

He still felt wretchedly unprepared for the day. Coffee. He needed coffee. His hand reached out for his jacket, always splayed across the keyboards by his feet but found it not there. Suspicious, still too early for unhappy deductions. He staggered upright in his wrinkled shirt and made for the open door.

Downstairs, Harley was frantically trying to yank something out of Lou's mouth. He responded by tugging back even harder. How could such a petite young thing be so boistrous with such powerful and dangerous animals? She thought of them as nothing more than overgrown puppies, Edward saw them as overgrown disease carriers. Harley promptly saw him, turned to shield her pet from his sight and smiled. 'Morning Eddie!'

'I thought we agreed, only the night Harley?' Edward groaned.

'Yeah, um, y'see...I can't get in contact with Red. She usually answers, y'know and I was hoping to stay just until I could call her?'

He was too tired to argue. 'Sure Harley.'

'Yay!' She danced just as he stepped in a pile of vomit. 'Oh I meant to clean that!' She gasped at the look of abject disgust and rage on his face.

'Why is it green?' He growled.

'Oh, oh Eddie I um...Gee that's a hard one!' Harley admitted. Her shift to another leg to ponder the greenness of Hyena vomit gave him a view of Lou with a half torn green rag spewing out of his chops.

'Is that my jacket?' He asked hoarsely.

Harley looked down at her baby happily eating through several thousand dollars worth of tailoring and then back up at Edward's rapidly reddening face. 'I can getcha a new one -'

'It's eating my jacket!' He hissed.

'Ya never said anything about the jacket, Eddie! Just ya bed and ya toys! And I been real good with those!' Harley grinned sheepishly. 'E-Eddie? Are you mad? You look like Mistah J when he doesn't like the punch-line.'

Where was his cane? He would pries the remains from between its fetid teeth and then he would shoot it and then he would mount it on a wall, Harley be damned.

To his utter fury and dismay, the other flea ridden gigglebox had his cane and was using it like a rawhide bone. Harley followed his incredulous line of sight and groaned. 'Bud! You put that down right now! You're not meant to chew on Eddie's things!' Bud, for his part tried to turn his back on his mistress and continue chewing through the rare wood of his beloved cane as though out of sight, out of mind worked.

Edward was all for storming over and beating the thing until it handed it over but when he made attempt to move for it, a low warning growl erupted from it's throat. His cowardly spine went rigid and his legs refused to go any further. Harley however, merely walked right up and snatched the desiccated wood from it's jaw. 'Here ya go!' She chirped and threw him the cane. The throw was poor and Edward didn't even attempt to catch it for one simple reason. It hit his shoulder and left a smear of Hyena drool before it clattered to the floor, accumulating god knows what along the way.

It was thoroughly gnawed. The wood gashed and varnish splintered. The mangy thing had even had a go at the head, made of brass specifically to his hand dimensions. It was dented and punctured in places and leaked more saliva.

He'd gone cold - no. He'd gone red hot in rage. So hot he felt like murder. Ivy be damned. Harley had finally managed to pull the remains of his custom, Italian designed jacket from the maw of Lou. The sleeves were tattered and frayed, the silk that remained was left with watermarks - more like drool-marks - and the embroidery that had been hand-stitched by the finest seamstresses they had to offer had been clawed out. It wasn't even fit for dusters.

'My jacket...My cane...'

'I'm really sorry Eddie!' Harley grimaced. 'They were just bored is all!'

He took a deep shuddering breath, as though this were a nightmare. All a nightmare. 'Harley-' He tried.

'And your hat's not so bad!' Harley pleaded.

'...Hat? My bowler hat?!' He had yet to see that but judging by Harley's expression, it had fared a little worse than the jacket and cane.

'Yeah! They found that first and they were playing Frisbee with it! It was really actually quite cute and I was gonna wake you up but you were sleepin'. Honestly Eddie you're so attached to things and Mistah J thinks that's bad for you-'

'Bad for me?' He choked.

'Yeah! Like maybe that's why you're crazy!' Harley went on oblivious. 'I dunno I always thought it was because you never had a girlfriend. Hey! I can set you up on a date! How about Pammy?'

Edward stared at her dumbfounded and then roared 'I'm not crazy!'

'So is that a yes to Pammy?' Harley winked.

'No! God, no!'

As though the gods of irony were at play, his door was thrown open into the misty afternoon. 'Harl?' It was female and anxious in nature.

Harley squealed and ran to the door, followed excitedly by her two diseased pets. 'Pammy! You got my texts!'

The hood of the coat, which Edward was not surprised to find was made from a leaf, came down and exposed Ivy and her mess of red hair to the air. 'Of course. I got in the first flight back. He kicked you out again?'

'She blew up a microwave, and the oven.' Edward choked, at a loss for words. For the first time, Ivy focused on him and a frown of unhappiness settled onto her features.

'You came to Nigma?' She asked Harley.

'He was the only one who answered! And he was so super-nice! He gave me his bed and didn't mind at all that Bud and Lou ate his hat. And his coat...and his stick.'

'It was a cane!' His life was absurd. This entire conversation was absurd.

Ivy pierced him with a far more jaded look than Harley could have conjured. 'He did, did he?'

'Uhhuh!' The blonde chirped.

'I don't understand why you didn't just go to my greenhouses.' Ivy replied. 'You have a key!'

'But I don't like being alone, Red! You know that!'

She had a...? All along? That was it. That was it! 'Take her!' He begged Ivy. Take her and go!'

Ivy gave him a haughty look and turned to her one and only friend. 'Come on Harl, I think you've overstayed your welcome.'

'Maybe. Thanks for putting me up Eddie! You're such a pal! Sorry about your stuff!' Harley waved frantically as she walked out of the door. Bud and Lou trailed behind her, tails between their legs and giving him the doggy equivilent of "We're watching you."

Edward sank down onto his lumpy couch and moaned. No cane, no jacket and- What was digging into his back? His hand dug through the cushions and finally came up with something green made of felt. Rather bowl shaped, or had been. Now it was jagged, covered in the remains of drool and fur. tooth marks all along the bowl, the brim was nonexistent...

His hat.

His precious hat!

Back when I was planning the rules and the chapters to go with it, a lot of summaries featured the Mad Love duo. I think I've toned it down. There's only been two direct impacts with Joker and only one so far with Harley so this makes them even! I'm not counting the numerous passing references I've made to my favourite clowny courtship which must number in the dozens. Anyway - Thank you! Enjoy!

Look! I got Eddie to do this one! On the phone though, I'm not stupid enough to go looking for the man who wants to test deathtraps with me.

A tittle is the dot on the end of an exclamation or question mark you illiterate fool. Whatever you were thinking, stop that right now! I don't need that getting back to Joker, thank you! Harley most definitely overstayed her welcome, a whole outfit ago. As for the Hyenas, they're no longer breathing. Dead Switch sent me the most amusing picture from Cobblepot's little museum. It was wearing a top-hat. Cretin, that was probably aimed at me.

As for you, you little annoyance, when I find you-

Aaaannnd that's all we've got time for. I'm sure the rest would have just been petty insults and a monologue of what he'll do to me. Thank you for all the faves, comments and love I get for torturing poor Edward! Please do continue to send in your reactions, I'm an irrevocable review whore.