A/N: Thank you all for your reviews last chapter and continued enthusiasm for this story. I usually update this fic every Tuesday but wanted to let you guys know I won't be updating again until after Christmas. The coming weeks are going to be really hectic for me, so I'll be taking a little bit of a break to enjoy the holidays.

This chapter features the big Olicity talk that's been a long time coming. The title is based on the song by Beyonce. For those interested in the flashbacks, they will resume next chapter and continue to parallel the present timeline. If you're reading my other fic Caught in the Rapture, also keep an eye out for an update with that one this week, as well. Happy reading and Happy Holidays, everyone!

Chapter 37: Sandcastles

Felicity stood in front of the window in Oliver's room, looking numbly out at the large expanse of lawn that had seen better days. The grass was watered down and soggy after all of the rain lately. The sky was gray and overcast, forecasting another rainstorm making its way in. Felicity's mind felt as dark and foggy as the sky. She didn't know what to process first. Last night had been shocking enough without adding the unexpected reunion with her father this afternoon.

After seventeen years of no communication, he'd barged back into her life like a bull in a China closet. Not only was he the leader of a terrorist organization hell bent on destroying her former agency, but it turned out the leader of that agency also happened to be working for the bad guys back in the day. The extreme coldness and contempt that Felicity had felt from Waller had always baffled her. To discover that it was a hatred that ran deeper, that she'd been working for the very woman who'd not only tried to kill her as a child but actually succeeded in killing Oliver's parents, it completely turned Felicity's world upside down. And if Darhk was to be believed, the intruders last night were yet another attempt by Waller to capture her and do God knows what in revenge. The goose bumps that had formed on her skin an hour ago wouldn't leave her.

And that wasn't the only bomb her father had dropped on her. What was just as bad was learning that Darhk had been spying on her and had sent Malcolm, one of his top stooges, to infiltrate their family. To lie to them all under the guise of protecting them. The deceit didn't stop there, though. Already falling down the rabbit hole, Felicity's hurt and anger were inflamed when she learned that Oliver had been involved in the scheme. He'd sworn to her that he didn't know the part about Damien Darhk being her father, and she was inclined to believe him. But this wouldn't be the first time he'd lied to get on her good side. Felicity didn't know what was truth and what was lies anymore.

Taking care of Connor and getting him settled down for a nap had been a good distraction at first. Focusing on him while quietly recounting to Sara what she'd learned was the only way to keep from totally freaking out. When Connor had fallen asleep, Felicity had said she needed some time to herself to think. Understanding, but being unable to really leave the room, Sara had curled up next to Connor on the bed and dozed off a little while ago. Both women were still feeling the effects of those tranquilizers, as well as Lucky who was asleep at Sara's feet.

Felicity placed her hand on her chest in an effort to feel her heavy breaths and heartbeat. To ground herself to this place and this moment. She wasn't dreaming or in some alternate universe. This was all actually happening. Her chest constricted and she closed her eyes, concentrating on her steady breathing once more.

What the hell was she going to do? How was she going to get herself out of this one? Even though she hadn't been lying about severing communication with Mei and the rest of the team, Felicity had still maintained hope that they might be allies if she did find herself in a really dangerous situation. Did Lyla and Mei know about Waller's sordid past with H.I.V.E.? Were they in danger, too, or did it not matter now that Waller had switched sides? If Mei and Lyla did know that Felicity was connected to Darhk, she didn't think they would've let her escape Starling City the first time. But that didn't mean they hadn't learned the truth since then. If Waller sensed they might be hesitant to carry out orders against her, she probably would've told them about Felicity's true connection to Darhk. Felicity wouldn't put it past her to even insinuate that she'd been a double agent all this time working with Oliver to benefit H.I.V.E.

God, she'd never asked for any of this and yet she was already in so deep. A soft knock came at the door. Shaking herself out of her stupor, Felicity quickly went to answer it. She prayed it wasn't Darhk. She didn't think she could deal with him again so soon, and she definitely didn't want him anywhere near her son at the moment.

"Oliver," she murmured. The relief didn't last long. This was another situation Felicity wasn't sure she was ready to handle just yet.

"We need to talk," Oliver stated gently yet firmly. Despite the levelness of his voice, his body was stiff with tension. Oliver had been both anticipating and dreading this moment for over a year.

"Connor's taking a nap."

His eyes flicked to the bed to see the baby tucked under the duvet. The stuffed duck was next to him, as well as a set of pillows on either side. Oliver swallowed the lump in his throat at the sight of him finally sleeping peacefully. "Then it's the perfect time."

Felicity stared back at Connor and Sara and sighed. She couldn't put this off any longer. "Fine. But not here."

Oliver led her a few doors down to a dark room. She was relieved to see that it was the miniature library and sitting room instead of one of the other bedrooms. That would've made this conversation even more awkward. Oliver opened the curtains to let more light in, but it wasn't much with the crappy weather. The couches were covered yet the room looked clean and free of any dust.

As Oliver removed one of the covers, Felicity blurted out, "Did you really not know Darhk was my father?"

"No, I had no idea." He rubbed his hand over his eyes, feeling even more exhausted than the night before. "Apparently, I wasn't told a lot of things," he griped. The anger that had been festering inside of him ever since Malcolm revealed that he knew where Felicity was all of this time was threatening to bubble over. He clenched his hands at his sides in an effort to keep it at bay.

"Not exactly fun to be lied to, is it?" Felicity remarked. Before he could respond, she pressed on, "But that's what you do. You lie. I'd ask you why you didn't tell me about Malcolm, especially since he's married to my mother and a part of our family, but you lied about your own affiliations, as well. You're not even really Bratva. You're H.I.V.E. Was anything you told me about the Gambit sinking and ending up on Lian Yu real?"

"Yes, it was real. I might not have told you all of the details, but I didn't lie about that."

"An omission is still a lie, Oliver," Felicity countered.

Oliver took a seat on the couch and gestured for her to join him. Felicity sat down on the opposite end. He went on to explain, "The Gambit busted apart, and my mom drowned at sea like I told you. My dad, another crew member, and myself did make it to the life raft. What I didn't tell you was that there wasn't enough food and water for all three of us. We drifted for a while, and I was pretty out of it. I don't know how my father had gotten the gun or why he had it on him…" He paused to build up his nerve. Oliver had never wanted Felicity to know about the horrors he'd faced. To know how truly damaged he was. But he'd also learned the hard way what happened when he wasn't completely honest with her. "He shot the other guy with us and started ranting about how he wasn't the man I thought he was. He told me to survive and to right his wrongs. Then he turned the gun on himself."

Felicity inhaled a shaky breath, sickened by the revelation. Robert Queen had survived the Gambit only to then kill himself in front of his son. Oliver was putting up a brave front, but he was clearly still affected while recounting the story. Felicity felt an overwhelming urge to cross the distance between them and comfort him before she caught herself.

"It turned out that Lian Yu was H.I.V.E. territory," Oliver continued. "It's mostly remote, but there's a compound there. It's where Darhk has his new recruits train. I was found by a man named Yao Fei."

For a second, Felicity thought she'd misheard him. "Yao Fei?" That was the name of Mei's missing father.

"Yes," Oliver confirmed, knowing exactly why Felicity had that look of shocked recognition on her face. "He'd been a general in the Chinese army and was kidnapped and brought there by the Triad. Darhk had wanted to recruit him for some reason, and so they'd also brought along his daughter for leverage in case the pitch didn't stick. Yao Fei escaped, but his daughter Shado wasn't so lucky. In return for teaching me how to fight and survive, I promised Yao Fei I'd help him get her back. He needed someone on his side. We did rescue her and hid on the island for over a year.

"One of Darhk's associates and now a council member, Slade Wilson, had been an ally of Yao Fei before the island. He was part of Australian Secret Intelligence Service and had infiltrated the island to rescue him. Somewhere along the way, Darhk turned him and he betrayed Yao Fei. Slade had been in love with Shado and was trying to get Yao Fei to join them through her. He never liked me, because he knew Shado favored me. She was killed right before we were captured the final time. The bullet that Slade meant for me, she took it. He's hated me ever since."

"Is that when you joined H.I.V.E.?" Felicity inquired. "What about Anatoly? You said he was on the island, too. Where does he fit in?"

"It turned out my parents were headed to China for a Council meeting under the guise of QC business. When the other members heard of the Gambit sinking, they all convened on Lian Yu. The Bratva has been aligned with H.I.V.E. for almost two decades. Anatoly apparently challenged Darhk, and he had him locked up in the compound to prove a point. He got out when we broke out Shado. It's how he learned about me and who I was. Eventually he got back into Darhk's good graces and when he found out I was going to be brought in on H.I.V.E., he offered to take me under his wing in the Bratva. Said he respected my father and he owed him. That's when I learned of my parents' involvement."

"What happened to Yao Fei?"

"Overcome with grief over Shado, he attacked Slade. But we were outnumbered and apparently Darhk had decided that Yao Fei was no longer necessary. He was executed on the spot."

Oliver's past on the island was so much worse than Felicity had ever imagined. Her heart ached for him and for Mei, who'd for so long been trying to find out what happened to her family. Felicity once again felt the urge to reach out and take his hand but tamped it down. It was then she noticed the red markings and torn skin on his knuckles.

"What happened?" At first Oliver was confused before he realized what she was referring to.

He smirked but the humor didn't reach his eyes. "The wall accidentally ran into my fist." After getting new orders from Darhk, Oliver had retreated to his father's study to be alone. There was so much to think about, and the fury had overwhelmed him. He'd have to get the gaping hole in the wall repaired after his guys were finished with their other construction project in the mansion. "I didn't know about your connection to Darhk. All these years I thought this was happening because of my parents and Malcolm. And when I wouldn't fall in line right away, Darhk made me believe that the Gambit sinking was because of their wavering loyalty.

"Malcolm already had custody of my sister, and I was so worried all of these years that they'd find out about you, too. Then Monument Point happened. I had no idea you were with A.R.G.U.S. I had no idea it was you I was fighting that night. Not that I would've killed you anyway. Because John and I know Lyla is A.R.G.U.S., we're both careful when dealing with female agents. We only use enough force to disarm. But then you were shot, poisoned, and…it would've been my fault." The sheer terror of almost losing her that night still stayed with him. The memory combined with the fear he'd been battling over the last year as he sought to find her was all-consuming. Oliver wanted to reach out for Felicity and feel that she was real, but he knew better. He'd be lucky if Felicity ever let him touch her again.

Felicity bit her lip. "I put the pieces together after Mei told me about you. For so long I couldn't figure out why you backed off of me and then saved me afterward. That's why you were acting so strangely in Coast City, too, wasn't it?" She'd thought his odd behavior had been about Isabel at the time. Her assumption hadn't even been close. His hoarse, pained whisper that he didn't deserve her as they made love that night took on a whole new meaning.

"I needed to see you and make sure you were all right but yes. The guilt became too much around you." Oliver explained, "After I returned you to A.R.G.U.S. was when Malcolm revealed Darhk knew about you and gave me the order to get information from you. I thought they made the connection through our intel."

"So you agreed and gave me the phone. That way you could copy the data from my computer at A.R.G.U.S. without me getting suspicious," Felicity curtly surmised.

"I wanted you to have the phone anyway, so that you could get a hold of me when you needed me. I didn't know how many other bases you'd be at, and I was worried."

"But not worried about the other agents you were so freely killing?"

"I spared life when I could."

"The arrows in those agents' chests suggest otherwise," she countered.

Oliver was blindsided by that. "What?"

"I know you were The Hood. Mei showed me surveillance photos of you with John on the streets."

Shaking his head, Oliver replied, "I never used arrows when infiltrating the A.R.G.U.S. bases. That was Malcolm. The Hood…he has nothing to do with H.I.V.E."

Felicity shifted on the couch. Her gaze was probing. "Enlighten me then."

"I haven't had much control over my life these last five years. The things I've done…they can never be erased. I needed to find some kind of balance. One night in Moscow, I had to get out of the casino and get away from everything. I found some thug in an alley attacking a woman, and I stopped him. It was the most like myself I'd felt in years. Finally, I could use my skills for something good, and so I started going out almost every night. I didn't want anyone to find out, so I concealed my identity with the hood. It belonged to Yao Fei, and I knew he'd be proud of that."

"Did Malcolm teach you archery? I've only ever seen you with a gun."

"Yao Fei and Shado taught me how to shoot. We didn't always have access to guns when we were on the run on the island, and so I developed a talent for archery. A bow and arrow require not only precision but patience and restraint. If anything, I needed more of that in my life."

"That's why we were able to track you to the areas near the bases that were attacked."

"It was my penance," Oliver confirmed. "Although I wasn't present for all of the attacks."

"You think that absolves you for what you did?" Felicity challenged. "If you hate H.I.V.E. as much as you claim and you knew I was A.R.G.U.S., why would you not tell me all of this? Was all of your talk about loving and trusting in each other just a ploy to get what you wanted? How much of our time together was real, and how much of it was you carrying out orders?"

"I have always loved you, Felicity," Oliver fiercely replied. "I might not have told you everything, but what I did share with you was the truth. You were always my top priority. Everything I did was to keep you safe."

"Oh, don't give me that crap, Oliver." Felicity stood up in frustration. "If it was really about my safety, you would've told me. Leaving me in the dark was leaving me unprotected."

"I refused the order to spy on you at first, but Malcolm and Darhk weren't going to take no for an answer. Malcolm didn't threaten to harm you directly, which I thought at the time was because he knew he'd lose all control over me if he did. So he threatened to retaliate against the people closest to you."

"Again, all the more reason you should have told me!" she heatedly retorted. "You knew I was A.R.G.U.S. and that I had resources, Oliver. I could've helped you. That's what couples do. They face the danger together. They're stronger together. If you claim to love me as much as you do, then you would've trusted me."

"It was never about not trusting you. I know now it was wrong to lie to you, but at the time it's what I thought was best. Maybe it was selfish, but I have lost enough people in my life, Felicity, and I was not going to have you get mixed up in my plans—especially if I failed."

"What plans?"

"I didn't hand all of the information I got from you to Malcolm. It was only enough to make it seem like we were getting closer to obtaining the target. I chose locations that would result in the least number of casualties but still seemed like probable holding facilities."

"Holding facilities for what? We knew weapons and supplies were being taken. What we couldn't figure out was why. What exactly were you looking for?"

"The attacks on different bases and bunkers were intended to weaken A.R.G.U.S., but there was—is," he corrected, "a bigger agenda. Darhk doesn't want you to know this yet, but he wants to get his hands on something called Rubicon."

Felicity knew exactly what Oliver was referring to and tried not to react. "What's Rubicon?" she said evenly.

Oliver studied her intently. "It's some kind of weapon. For all of his talk about trust and loyalty, he isn't big on telling me or the other council members all of the details. I was just supposed to supply them with the data so they could root it out. Dig and I, along with some of our allies, were trying to find it first so we could use it as leverage. We were going to set up Darhk and H.I.V.E. with a decoy but keep the real prototype in case we failed."

"Again, why the hell didn't you tell me any of this?" Her voice rose. "If you failed, everyone we cared about still could've been targeted in retaliation. My team at A.R.G.U.S., Waller excluded, are good people and could've been killed. The last time we spoke, I offered you a way out. If you'd have joined our side—"

"There was no guarantee someone like Waller would've kept her promise, and now we know for sure she's corrupt. She almost killed both of us once, Felicity. She did succeed in killing my parents, if Darhk is to be believed. We would've been playing into her hands, too."

Felicity argued, "But you didn't know that back then!"

"What I did know was that I couldn't let you become a liar, too. I couldn't let you become a knowing accomplice in case we were caught."

"A lot of good that did me," Felicity scoffed. "I was still branded a traitor when the leak was traced back to me."

"But you had plausible deniability. Being left in the dark also kept Malcolm from going to you directly," Oliver explained, willing her to understand. "If I did tell you and he got wind of that, he would've asked much worse of you. Having to go through me limited his control and influence over the situation and you."

"That was not your decision to make. And I hate to burst your protective bubble, Oliver, but Malcolm did seek me out. A couple of weeks before our big fight, we had lunch and he casually mentioned that he'd learned Brighton Tech was a cover for the agency."

"What?" Oliver growled. This day was getting worse by the second.

"He had a cover story. Said he was looking to buy a new tech company to gain some military contracts. He wanted my opinion on the deal and promised to keep my affiliations a secret. It's why I went to him when I knew A.R.G.U.S. was coming for me," Felicity stated and gave him a pointed look. "Obviously I wouldn't have done so, if you'd actually been truthful with me."

Oliver felt his fists tightening by his sides. He was half tempted to march back downstairs and finish Malcolm off completely. "If you did know about Malcolm, would you have been able to act like everything was okay? You wouldn't have tried to warn your mom?"

"I was an A.R.G.U.S. operative, Oliver." Felicity crossed the distance, staring him down. "I've had to keep a lot of secrets from my family over the years"—she poked his chest—"which also includes you. I would've done whatever was necessary to protect my family and you. If you actually had faith in me instead of labeling me as some damsel in distress, you would've been honest."

His anger flared. "You want to talk about honesty, Felicity. Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?" Oliver demanded. "That was why we had our whole fight about our future, wasn't it? You wanted to see what I was going to say before giving me all of the facts."

Felicity crossed her arms over her chest, needing a barrier between him and his accusations. She took a step back from his looming form. "The difference, Oliver, was that I wasn't trying to be deceitful. I was still shocked myself, and I was working up the courage to tell you. I was scared of how you would react," she admitted.

"How many times have I told you I love you? How many times have I told you I would do anything for you? Hell, I even told you I wanted to have kids with you someday," Oliver exclaimed, nearly shouting. "You talk about having faith in each other, and yet you denied me the chance to do right by you."

Felicity's eyes narrowed at that. She was so furious her body began to shake. "So you wouldn't have 'done right by me' otherwise? What you're really saying is that you would've kept lying if I hadn't found out. That you needed some sort of incentive, like my pregnancy, in order to choose me. Well guess what, Oliver?" she shouted. "That's not good enough for me! I wasn't trying to trap you. I didn't want to be your obligation."

He closed the distance between them and stood toe to toe with her. "You were never an obligation to me, Felicity!"

"You said that you weren't thinking about the future, Oliver," Felicity replied, feeling the pain of that day all over again. "You said there was no happy ending!"

"Yeah, and I was a total idiot because I was lying. I needed more time to find Rubicon, and you kept talking about informant deals and going to the media. I said I wanted to give you everything, which I meant, but I was nowhere near close to being able to. I lied to avoid giving you false hope, and it was wrong. I've regretted it every damn day since I read your letter," Oliver declared, "and I'm sorry."

Felicity was about to argue when she saw him reach into his pocket. The retort died on her lips at the sight of the small, black velvet box. She inhaled a sharp, shaky breath when he opened it to reveal a ring. The large, princess cut diamond sparkled along with the smaller surrounding diamonds in the elegant band. "Oliver…" she trailed off, feeling her eyes sting with unshed tears.

"I bought this months before that day," Oliver began. His tone was quieter but still raw. His heart pounded erratically in his chest at her equally emotional reaction. "Every time I doubted my mission or felt the guilt of keeping secrets from you about to suffocate me, I thought of giving it to you. Because we would never get that day unless I was successful, and I couldn't fail you. I couldn't fail our families. I needed that hope of a life with you or else I honestly don't know what the hell I'm fighting for anymore. I was going to try and tell you some of it that day I showed up at your apartment to find you gone. I was going to tell you that I love you. That you were right, and we should fight for each other. I know now that even that gesture was flawed, but I swear to God, Felicity, if you told me you were pregnant I would've told you everything."

"Don't say that, Oliver," she mumbled. "You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. Because I kept thinking I had more time to find Rubicon. You being pregnant would've changed everything. I would've had to find another way, because I would not have wanted our child to be born with a threat like that hanging over our heads."

"So it's all my fault," she replied, tense.

"No, that's not what I'm saying," he was quick to correct. Why did he have to be so terrible at explaining himself? He heaved a frustrated sigh. "What I mean is I deserved to have all of the facts and be a part of the decision. He's my child, too."

"Oliver, do you even realize how hypocritical you sound right now?" Felicity shot back. She turned away from him, walking around the couch toward the window, to get a hold over her emotions and collect her thoughts. "You only deserve what you earn, and what you did cost us both everything. I didn't just leave Starling City on a whim. I left because you left me no choice. I left because you compromised my position at A.R.G.U.S. while also destroying any trust I did have in you. For the first time in a year, I actually felt like you were my enemy."

Oliver felt his insides twist at that. Shaking his head, he replied, "Felicity, we agreed that we couldn't tell each other everything. We agreed that we would trust each other to do what was best to protect—"

"But you weren't protecting me, Oliver!" She whipped around to face him. "Lying clearly was not what was best for me, and maybe I am partly to blame for that. I foolishly thought deep down that I could somehow free you and that you would come home. But you had to be the one to decide that. You had to be the one to fight for it, and you ran. Maybe not physically, but emotionally you cut me out."

"Felicity—"

"Do you think I wanted Connor to grow up like me without a father? Do you think it was an easy decision for me to leave my home and my family? To not be able to at least share it with them and get the support I needed in fear that you would find me? Because I did fear you, Oliver," Felicity declared. She noticed him flinch at that. "Regardless of all the years that passed and you being Bratva, I had always thought I knew the real you. I had always thought I knew what was in your heart. But it turned out I didn't know you at all. You were a total stranger, and it made me question everything.

"So, yes, I ran and I won't apologize for that. I did what any good mother would do, and I protected my child. I put him first because if I had let myself fall into that dark hole you created, I'm not sure I would've even been able to get out of bed in the morning. I had to stay strong and healthy for him, because there was no room for mistakes. Every day I got dressed, I ate, I worked, I ran errands, I chatted with the neighbors, and I made a home with Sara's help. I played my part perfectly, and yet almost every night I cried myself to sleep. Because despite everything, I still felt like something was missing. Even as I hated you I still needed you. Every craving, every ultrasound, every kick, every back ache, every Lamaze class, every false contraction…you should've been right there with me," she lamented as her voice cracked with emotion.

"I was in labor with Connor for eight hours. Sara was helping me do my breathing, and yet all I could hear was your voice in my head. I heard it the entire time I was pushing. I was so exhausted that I felt like I couldn't go on, but you told me to so I did. Then I heard Connor's first cries, and you were gone. I held that beautiful, tiny baby in my arms that was so visibly the best of both of us. He had your eyes"—she wiped at the tears that were now freely falling—"my nose, our dimples, and I loved him completely. My entire universe shifted in that moment, and I started crying all over again because I didn't know how the happiest, most earth-shattering moment in my entire life could also be my saddest."

"Felicity…" Oliver choked out. He couldn't get enough air to form words.

"So don't you dare try to play the victim, Oliver Queen," Felicity sobbed, "because I am not the reason you weren't there. You did this to us, and I'll be damned if I let you or my monster of a father try and suck us back into your dark world."

Oliver could feel tears burning his own eyes. He stood frozen, paralyzed by overwhelming grief. Not since he'd watched his parents' lives slip away before him had he felt such pain. The shock that had been keeping his emotions locked up ever since last night was long gone. The schism in his heart from when he'd discovered that Felicity had disappeared broke wide open.

When the door slammed behind Felicity, Oliver's legs gave out and he sunk onto the couch. He placed his head in his hands. She thought him as bad as her father, and maybe she was right. Hadn't Darhk lied to his family and manipulated them under the guise of protecting them? Would Connor grow up the same way as Felicity did, thinking he wasn't enough because his father wasn't a part of his life? Should Oliver even fight to be? As upset as he was that Felicity never told him the truth, Oliver also knew she was right. It was his lies that ruined everything they'd worked so hard to build between them.

The woman he loved and now mother of his child not only hated him, but she'd feared him. Oliver's entire body shook with the force of his silent sobs. All this time he'd thought he was swimming in darkness, trying to stay afloat by undermining Darhk and going out as The Arrow. The self-hatred rose up so swiftly inside of Oliver that he felt like he didn't belong to his body. Everything about this moment had become surreal, but somehow he was struck by one glaring, absolute truth. He wasn't swimming in darkness anymore; he was drowning in it.