Thanks for the feedback. I truly do appreciate it.
ZGK1007 – Thanks. I understand how awkward it can be to review. Sometimes, writing can be awkward, but I do it. No one know has read any of my stories. I'm too embarrassed to show anyone I know what I've written. See, I'm also very introverted. I kind of use writing as a kind of therapy. I know I shouldn't keep things bottled up so I write. Sometimes what comes out of my mind, scares me. Anyway, I hope I haven't scared you away from any future reviews.
Your review was great. Hope to hear from you again. And it doesn't have to be a long review. I simply want some feedback. Oh, and I'm glad you enjoy my story.
Guest – Thanks. I've had other comments about the dialogue. I've wondered if Kori's way of speaking is what makes it a little weird. Or is it because I'm not good at talking with people (I'm painfully shy) and I just go with what's in my head. Anyway, I'm glad you like my story.
Kaori022 – Thanks. I started this story, well Songs About Me, because I searched for a more realistic story about these tough subjects but I couldn't find anything in liked. Too often, some of those stories would turn silly. I mean really, girl is abused by boyfriend/parent/other and she's like, giggle, okay, no big deal, so somebody hit/hurt me, giggle, giggle. Uh, no, that doesn't work for me. I don't know how many times I've been disappointed when something like that happened. I couldn't find the kind of story I wanted to read, so I wrote it myself.
Don't worry. I will finish this story! With the original version, I had less than five chapters to go when it was derailed. It was heartbreaking to stop that one but sometimes, I kind of think this one is better. At least, I hope it is. I'm glad you enjoy it so much.
Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.
Chapter 37: Lost
"She's lost …/ …haunting my …/ …mind" – Lost, Within Temptation
Rachel took a deep breath. "I …" she sighed, "I saw him."
"Who?"
"Him. You know, the guy who …" Rachel was clearly agitated.
Her friends understood what she was saying. She saw her rapist. No wonder she was so agitated. They all started talking at the same time. "When?" "Where?" "Who was it?" "How awful."
Richard held up his hand. One at a time. He could see how overwhelmed Rachel was. "Did he hurt you?"
Rachel shook her head, "No, but …he was just …there. Just seeing him …" Tears welled up in her eyes. Kori carefully guided her friend to sit on the sofa.
"I am so sorry. That must have been awful. I could not imagine coming face to face with someone so diabolical and malicious."
The terrified teen tried to explain. "I was so focused on studying that I didn't see him until he was in front of me. I should've been more aware of my surroundings. I know better than to let that happen. Especially, out in public, where anyone can be anywhere."
Was she blaming herself again? Vic asked when it happened at the same time Gar asked where it happened.
Rachel ran a hand through her hair. How much should she tell them? Was she putting them in danger? He couldn't get to her here. She was safe here, right? "Um, it was at the restaurant. He left right before you guys showed up."
"You mean, he was there, in public? Why didn't anyone stop him from bothering you?"
"I didn't say anything. I, I was too afraid. I never thought I'd see him again. I'm sorry, I froze."
"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry you were so scared. But he didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No." Rachel shivered.
"But he threatened you, didn't he?" Rachel stared at her hands and nodded. She felt like such a coward, such a fool. She shouldn't let seeing him get to her so much.
"He warned me not to tell anyone."
"But you already did," said Gar, "and nothing bad happened."
"Did anyone see someone who looked suspicious?" asked Richard. Rachel knew they were trying to help but she wished they'd drop everything. Why couldn't they just forget it, that way she could. Although, she knew she couldn't forget her recent encounter with him.
The other guys shook their heads. Kori said, "I saw a guy. He stood outside, by the door. He was quite handsome but I did not like the way watched the people coming and going from the restaurant." Did Kori see him? Was it him? If it was, did he see her? Was he now following her too? Please let her friends be safe.
"What did he look like?"
"As I said, he was quite handsome. He was older, his hair was white. He wore an eyepatch. But that was not what bothered me about him. He just seemed mean. He seemed like the kind of guy you see on the news and he swindled someone out of their life's savings."
Richard thought that description sounded familiar. "That could've been Slade Wilson. Bruce has had the unfortunate pleasure of working with him. As far as I know, that guy is someone you shouldn't mess with. He's big into corporate raiding." Richard was suddenly concerned for his girlfriend. Of course, Richard had no idea why he should be concerned. He didn't know what Slade was capable of doing. "Kori, he didn't do or say anything to you to make you feel uncomfortable, did he?"
"No, no, he barely looked at me. I simply didn't like the bad vibrations I got from him."
"Stay away from him!" warned Rachel.
"Why?" How did Rachel know about Slade Wilson. Why did she have such a strong reaction?
Rachel couldn't tell them the real reason why. What could she tell them? "He's …" Looking up, Rachel noticed the party decorations. Her face crumpled and tears followed. "Oh God, the party, I ruined the party. I'm sorry."
Kori knelt down in front of her tormented friend. "You did not ruin the party."
Rachel self-consciously rubbed the tears away with the heels of her hands. "B-but I-I …g-got s-so upset over n-nothing."
"You did not ruin the party," repeated Kori. "And seeing that wicked man was not nothing. You have every right to be scared and upset."
"But you all put so much into this party. You were trying to cheer me up but I screwed up again."
"The party doesn't matter, so don't worry about it," said Vic, "We're worried about you."
Rachel shook her head. "You shouldn't be. I-I keep making s-stupid mistakes."
Kori took Rachel's hands, forcing her friend to look st her. "What happened to you was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. I have done some research and it is awful that society tends to blame the victim in this horrendous, evil crime. Please stop blaming yourself."
"I know what you say is true but sometimes it's so hard. It's hard to keep the self-doubt out of my mind."
Rachel couldn't sit still anymore. She got up. She paced around the room. This skyscraper suddenly felt as though it was too small for her. She didn't know where to go or what to do. Her friends watched, feeling helpless as she paced like a caged animal.
"You wanna go home?"
"No, I can't, I can't go there. My father and Laura are away and I can't be in that empty house. Even though I'm sure he hates me, I don't think he'd let anybody hurt me." Rachel sighed, "Normally, I don't mind being alone. I actually like being alone but right now I don't feel safe being by myself."
"Do you wish to stay at my house?" offered Kori.
"I've already spent too much time there. Your uncle's going to get suspicious. He'll want to know why I'm always there."
Richard suggested, "Maybe you should consider telling an adult what happened."
"I-I don't think I could do that. I know everyone will treat me different."
"Some people might but …"
"You guys do." Rachel quickly added. "I know you don't mean to and you probably don't even know you're doing it. Sometimes, you treat me as if I'm made of glass. It's as if you're waiting, afraid but waiting for me to break apart. Don't worry. I don't blame you. I feel the same way. I often feel like I'm barely holding it together."
Gar frowned, he hated that they've made her so upset when they were supposed to be helping her. "Rachel, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you feel that way. We're just trying to look out for you."
"I know and I'm sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I mean, I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know everyone's going to look and treat me different because I am different. I'm not the girl I was before. That girl's gone. It's just that this is all so frustrating. I start to think I'm getting better, then something like today happens and everything drags me down again."
"Where are you gonna go if you can't go home?" wondered Gar.
"I'd let you stay here but I'm afraid Bruce would ask too many questions. He was that way that night you fell asleep here. He'd want to know why you'd need a place to stay. He's very perceptive and I'm sure he'd see through any story we'd tell him. Sorry." Richard added, "And, I don't know if you'd feel comfortable staying with three guys."
Vic sighed, "I'm afraid my dad would be the same way, asking questions. I'm sorry."
Rachel turned from her friends so they couldn't see her disappointment. "It's not a problem. Don't worry, no big deal."
"Would you want me to stay with you?"
"That's a good idea. Kori could stay with you tonight."
"No!" Rachel said not hiding the panic in her voice. "She can't stay there! I can't let her do that. I-I can't risk it."
"Rachel, you're not making any sense. Why can't Kori sleep over at your house?"
"Seeing HIM sent me back to that awful night. I-I remembered things I never wanted to remember."
"What did you remember?" asked Richard, trying to coax Rachel into opening up some. Not that he wanted to know the details of the attack but he thought it might help her if didn't keep it bottled up. She shook her head. "Please, Rachel, you can tell us. Maybe it'll help."
Wearily, Rachel sighed. What she told them was true but the sequence of events was wrong. She didn't let on that she learned this piece of information earlier that day. "H-he said if I-I told anyone, he'd, he'd come after my friends."
Vic reminded her, "You told us and nobody's coming after us. The bastard was just trying to scare you. We're okay, we're safe."
"But if Kori stays the night, she might not be. I can't risk that."
Richard's eyes narrowed. He didn't want either his friend or girlfriend in danger. "Why wouldn't Kori be safe at your house?"
"Because it, it happened there. He attacked me in …in my house. One night …he was …he was just …there and I ...I-I couldn't … I couldn't stop him." The friends were appalled by what Rachel just said. They were all dumbstruck. Acknowledging that information set off a new wave of tears for the distraught teen. "That's why Kori can't stay there. It happened in that house and I don't feel safe there."
Out of ideas and options, Rachel reluctantly went home. The others offered her a ride but she wanted to delay getting home, so she walked. Not wanting her to be alone, Gar walked with her. They were quite most of the time. Both were trying to think of what to do.
Just a few blocks from Rachel's house, Gar startled Rachel by blurting out, "Hey, I have an idea. Maybe you could stay at my house?"
Rachel stopped walking and looked at him as if he was crazy. "What?"
Liking his idea, he continued, "Yeah, you could stay a night or two at my house. My parents probably wouldn't let you longer than that but it'd give you some time to think."
"You really think I could do that? And you don't think they'll ask questions?"
"They'll ask questions but we can tell them, uh, that …you, um …you had a fight with your dad. That you just need some time so things can cool down."
"Are you sure?"
Gar suggested his only other idea, "You could try asking Jinni if you could stay with her."
Rachel shook her head. "No, that won't work. She won't talk to me. She still mad at me for pushing her away when I pushed you guys away."
"Sooo, it looks like you're coming home with me."
"You really think your parents will be okay with it?"
"My parents are used to strays following me home or me bringing home wounded animals."
"Gee thanks."
"I didn't mean it that way. One summer a few years ago, I found a bird with a broken wing. I fixed it up and it was soon good as new. When I set it free, it flew back a couple times. It's almost like it was thanking me."
"How did you know what to do?"
"I dunno. I just have this connection to animals. It's kinda the same with girls. They're just drawn to me. It must be my animal magnetism."
"Keep dreaming."
The rest of the way to Gar's house, they were quiet. Once there, Rachel nervously followed Gar into his house. She hoped this worked out. She hoped she was doing the right thing.
Gar called out, "Mom, Dad, I'm home."
A female voice called back, "We're in the kitchen, honey."
Before they entered the kitchen, Gar gave Rachel an encouraging smile. "Hi, Mom, Dad, I brought a friend home with me and I was kinda hoping she could stay here a night or two."
Gar's parents, Mark and Marie Logan, looked up from their tasks and saw a teenaged girl standing next to their son. She looked miserable. Noticing her bloodshot eyes and smudged eyeliner, their curiosity and concerns were peaked. Gar continued, "This is Rachel and she got in a HUGE fight with her dad. Like I said, I was kinda hoping she could stay while things cooled off."
"Rachel, is it?" She nodded. "Rachel, honey, what happened?"
Rachel shifted anxiously from one foot to the other. "Uh, it's like Gar said, I had a fight with my dad."
"Did he hurt you? Was he abusive?"
"No." It'd been a while since Trigon had laid a hand on his daughter. "But I share my dad's temper and things were said that shouldn't have been. Sometimes things said in anger hurt the most."
"Couldn't she stay ay Kori's?" suggested Mark.
"Kori's going outta town," lied Gar.
"What about staying with one of your other girl friends?"
Rachel looked down at her hands. "Um, I'm not that good at making friends."
Gar's parents understood what she was saying, she didn't have any other friends to turn to. "You don't have anyone else you could stay with?"
Trying not to show her disappointment while feeling rejected again, Rachel said, "It's okay. I understand you can't let me stay. You probably didn't expect your son to bring home someone like me. It was just an idea. I'm sorry to bother you. I should probably just go home. It's okay. I'll be fine." She turned to leave.
"Mom, dad, you can't let her leave. She needs our help."
"Wait a minute." Rachel stopped and slowly turned back to them. She wondered if they saw through their story. Did they know they were lying? That she didn't have a fight with her father? Gar's parents eyed one another. This girl, in oversized clothes, looked so tired that she could sleep standing up. The teens anxiously watched the adults as they communicated through exchanged glances.
A loud growling stomach broke the silence. Red-faced, Rachel quickly wrapped her arms around her stomach. "Sorry. I should go."
"Sweetie, when was the last time you ate?" Rachel's baggy clothes accentuated her gauntness.
"Earlier today but I'm okay." To prove it she smiled. "I'll get something later, when I get home."
"Oh yeah, that's right. You never got any of your cake." Gar remembered things falling apart before the party started.
"Her cake? What are you talking about?"
"Well, we threw Rachel a birthday party …"
"…a belated birthday party," Rachel corrected him.
"That's right, a belated birthday party. She was supposed to come over to Richard's and we'd give her a party. But when she came over she'd already had a fight with her dad. She was upset and the party never happened. So she never got any of her cake.
"Then she goes home and gets in another fight with her dad. I was on my way home when she called me. She was crying. I mean, she was really sobbing. I had trouble understanding her she was crying so hard." Rachel eyed him. He didn't have to make her sound so pathetic. "I finally got what she's saying. She told me how her father was yelling at her about things she had no control over. Like things about work. And to top things off, she doesn't get along with her new stepmother."
Feeling bad for the girl, Marie pulled out a chair. "Here, why don't you sit and I'll get you something. We can figure out what to do after you've had a bite to eat."
As Rachel finished the bowl of vegetarian chili, Mark said, "If you're going to stay here, you need to call to your dad."
"But dad, he …"
"It's common courtesy, Gar. We'd want to know where you were and that you're safe, even if we were arguing."
"Well, uh, he's not home. That's kind of the problem. Lately he's traveling a lot for his job. He says he has to do this job because of me. He thinks that I want too much, that I'm too …expensive, too greedy."
Something about that didn't seem right. To Gar's parents, Rachel's appearance made her look as if she was steps away from being living on the streets, not an overindulged child. Instead of mentioning that, Mark asked "When will he be back?"
"I think he's gone all weekend." Rachel wasn't sure if he's home or not. She never went home. She's decided a while ago, the less she was there, the better.
"Okay, you can stay tonight…"
"Thanks dad, thanks mom. You guys are awesome!"
"…but you need to call your father and tell him where you are." She nodded. "Do you need to use our phone?"
Rachel shook her head and pulled out her phone. "Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Logan."
"Come on, I'll show you the guest room. You can call your dad there."
Marie left Rachel nervously fingering her phone. Rachel didn't know whether to call home or call her father's cell phone. Reasoning that wherever he was, he'd have his phone, she called his cell. Going straight to voicemail, Rachel left a quick message that she was staying at a friend's house. She didn't give any specific information. Remembering Trigon's reaction to finding her at Vic's house, she didn't want to risk putting Gar and his family in danger.
While Rachel's making her call, Gar' parents were questioning him about Rachel. "Are you sure this girl isn't trouble?"
"What do you mean 'trouble'?"
"Well, we've never heard you mention her before."
"Uh, I'm pretty sure I have but in the fall, she became part of our group. A few months ago, there was a misunderstanding and she drifted away. Recently she came back to our group."
"Something about her seems like trouble. She not into drugs is she?"
"Mom!"
"Well, she so thin, too thin. I've heard some drugs can do that."
Gar rolled his eyes. "No. Rachel's not into drugs. None of my friends are."
"Good but if she's not doing drugs, does she have an eating disorder?"
"Mom! Dad can't you stop her?"
"Well, as your mom said, your friend's very skinny."
Gar rolled his eyes again. "No, she doesn't have an eating disorder. Rachel's not anorexic. You saw how she ate the soup. I don't think you can eat like that if you're anorexic. It's, like, against the rules or something." He sighed. He didn't want to get into this but he was afraid if he didn't tell them something, they'd change their mind and turn Rachel way. "Maybe the 'trouble' you sense is her past. She lost her mom a few years ago and she was bullied in school. None of that is her fault. And then she's having trouble at home with her dad and new stepmother. I'm just trying to be her friend and look out for her."
Mark said, "Okay, sorry. It's good that you're looking out for your friend. So, speaking of friends we haven't heard about. What about Terra? We haven't heard about her in a while. What's she been up to? She's such a nice girl. She's so friendly and no trouble. We never had to worry about her."
"I don't know, dad." Gar folded his arms across his chest. He was irritated by what he was implying. His dad made it sound like Terra was better than Rachel was. Just because Terra always acted perfect around them, they saw her that way. Gar knew that wasn't the case.
"You were so cute together. I always thought you two would make a cute couple."
Gar glared at his mom. "Terra's moved on. I dunno anything about her. I don't wanna talk about her."
"So, are you dating Rachel?"
"What? No, like I said, we're just friends."
His mom said, "That's good."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I didn't mean anything by it."
"When I said I wasn't dating Rae, you seemed glad about that. I can't believe it. You're judging her, aren't you? Didn't think you'd be like that. I thought you'd be fair, not so judgmental. I told her you guys would be reasonable but I guess I was wrong."
"Garfield, don't talk to your mom like that. Take it easy."
"Then what's with the interrogation?"
"We're not judging your friend. We're just concerned about you."
"He's right, honey, we don't want you getting mixed up with the wrong crowd."
"The wrong crowd? I thought you said you weren't judging her. It sounds like you are. You've already decided you don't like her."
"No, that's not true. However, we each knew girls in high school who were like Rachel. They were troubled girls and we just want you to be careful."
"What type of girl is Rachel? Does her dyed hair and black nail polish mean she's dangerous and shouldn't be trusted?
"That's not what we're saying. I'm sure Rachel is nice but sometimes nice girls can get into trouble." Gar glared at his parents in disbelief. They've never acted like that.
After phoning Trigon, Rachel went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. It helped her feel a little better. She was about to enter the kitchen when she heard Terra's name. She stopped. She heard what his parents were insinuating. She also heard Gar's frustration. To resist the urge to lash out at them she went back to the guest room. It wouldn't do her any good to yell at them. They've been kind enough to give her a place to sleep. Rachel knew she had to stay calm. She didn't want to cause Gar any trouble especially since he was helping her. She gave them a few moments before going back to the kitchen. Outside the kitchen, Rachel didn't hear anything but she cleared her throat, letting them know she was there.
"Oh hey Rachel, did you get a hold of your dad?"
"It went straight to voicemail so I just left a message. Is that okay?"
"That's fine. Why don't you sit and join us. So, what do you like to do?"
"I read a lot."
"Rachel's an artist," added Gar.
"I'm not an artist. I just doodle sometimes." Rachel felt her face getting red. She didn't like talking about herself.
"Well, that's nice."
"Do you get good grades?"
"Sometimes, I'm trying to work on that."
"Gar needs to focus on his grades."
"Da-ad!"
"Well, it's true."
There was a lull in the conversation. "Umm," Rachel tried to think of something to say. She hated small talk but felt as though Gar's parents needed to see that she could be sociable. "It's nice that it's warming up."
"Yeah, we're ready for spring."
Awkwardly, everyone sat in silence.
"Hey Rachel," said Gar, breaking the silence. "Wanna see the sweet new video game I got?"
"I don't play video games."
"Aww, c'mon, you don't hav'ta play, just see it. But just so you know, Kori's played before."
"Kori has more energy than she knows what to do with." Rachel smiled. "Fine, I'll come and see your game but don't expect me to play it."
Marie called after the teens, "Leave the door open."
Gar grumbled back, "Yes, mom." To Rachel he said, "It's not like I haven't had a girl in my room before. It was Kori and the others were there but still, Kori's a girl."
After a while, his parents heard Gar helping Rachel play the game. "No, no, push the other one, the other button! You're going the wrong way!"
They heard Rachel's light laughter, "I told you I'm not good at this! It's a good thing I'm not behind the wheel of a real car." The adults smiled as the teens continued to laugh. Maybe they were reading too much into Rachel's situation?
After trying to teach Rachel a few games, they concluded that she was terrible at video games. Bored with the video games, Rachel looked around his room. This was the second guy's room she'd been in. The last time it was Richard's room and she was too preoccupied to be nervous about that. Now, she was a little nervous. She knew Gar wouldn't try to do anything to her. It just felt strange being in a guy's room.
Rachel glanced over at Gar who looked a little uneasy as she studied his room. "I'm sorry. Am I making you nervous looking around your room? We could go somewhere else and do something."
"Nah, I'm okay. Wanna try another game?"
"Seriously? You saw me. I'm horrible at them. So, no, no more video games for me." A box caught her eye. She peered in, then looked at Gar. She raised an eyebrow, "Is that…?"
He laughed sheepishly, "Oh, you found my collection."
"You have a collection of peanut butter jars?"
'"Yeah, well, um, it started as a school project a few years ago. I needed a few jars," he explained, "After I was done with that I wanted to see how many I could collect in a year. This is my 'graveyard of peanut butter'."
"O-kay, guess everyone needs a hobby."
"C'mon, everyone collect something strange?"
"I don't."
"Sure you do, everyone does." He paused to think of an idea. He suggested, "Like, maybe you collect ketchup packets from different states or maybe you keep souvenirs from your dates."
"No." she said flatly, sorry she brought the subject up.
"Sorry, I didn't mean …"
"It's okay, I understand." She saw something else and hoped to move on to something new. She went over to the guitar. "I didn't know you played." She strummed it a few times, enjoying to soft tones.
"Yeah, sometimes. My grandpa taught me. It was his guitar. Want me to teach you how to play?"
Rachel looked curious and uncertain at the same time. "I …probably wouldn't be any good."
"Sure you would. It'd just take some practice."
"Are you sure?" Gar nodded. "Um, okay, as long as you don't mind."
"No problem. Bring it over here." Rachel handed Gar his guitar. She sat next to him on his bed after pulling her hair back into a low ponytail. He handed her the guitar. He instructed her how to hold it.
Gar glanced over to her. "You know, you should wear your hair up more. It's pretty, pulled back. It shows off your face."
Rachel started to take down her hair. "I'm not pretty. You're just surprised to see me with my hair up."
"Rachel, you ARE pretty. Don't you see it?"
She shook her head. "How could I be pretty if my father hurt me? And then …well …I'm, I'm just not pretty." She let her hair fall into her face.
"There's never been a time when you felt pretty?"
"The first and only time I really felt even a little pretty was the night of the dance. It was almost like a fairytale. You guys wanted me to be your friend. Thank you. You made me feel normal, not some messed up freak."
After a few moments of awkward silence, Gar cleared his throat, "Um, Rae …I mean Rachel?"
"Yeah?"
"Um, can I ask you something?"
She sighed. She was sure it was about her feeling like freak. "Sure, fine, go ahead."
Gar softly asked, "Do you um, often think about uh, it …eh, what happened?"
Rachel froze. The world around her began to fade as she lost focus. Several minutes passed and Gar was afraid that she was shutting him out again.
When Rachel did speak, it was barely above a whisper. "I don't iwant to think about it. I try not to think about it. But it's like …quicksand. The more I struggle to get away from it, the more I'm pulled in. I try to make myself busy so I don't have time to think. Sometimes, that works, for a while. But everything comes flooding back at night, when I'm asleep. I hate the nightmares."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Here, let me show you how to play." He helped her position her hands on the guitar. After he showed her how to play a few chords, he played a song for her. Rachel smiled as she listened. She's always liked the sound of acoustic guitars. Maybe some day, in the far future, she'd play and sing. Maybe she could still become a singer like she wanted to when she was younger?
Rachel didn't realize that she was making plans for the future. And by making those plans, she was increasing her chance of surviving
Gar handed her the guitar again. She strummed the strings, enjoying the sound and the vibrations under her fingers. She felt alive.
"Gar, Rachel," called out Marie, "time for bed.
Rachel handed him back the guitar and thanked him for the lesson. Before she got to the door Gar said, "Um, good night, Rachel, sweet dreams."
"Thanks again for letting me stay here. 'Night."
"No problem. Call me if you need anything. Good night."
In the morning, Rachel joined Gar and his parents for breakfast. "So how'd you sleep?" asked Gar. "Did you have a good night?"
"Yeah," smiled Rachel, "I did, thank you. I'm a little surprised because I usually have trouble sleeping in a new bed."
"I'm glad, you look well rested," said Marie. "My mom says, 'a good nights sleep help things look better.'"
"Mo-om!"
"I didn't mean it that way. Although a good nigh sleep helps a person look and feel better. What I meant was sometimes problems don't seem as big in the morning. You've heard your grandma say that many times."
"Oh, yeah, sorry."
While eating, Rachel just sat and watched as Gar and his parents talk. Like with her other friends, she was envious of this family's close relationship. Even though she felt physically better, she knew her problems hadn't gotten smaller. She still had to worry about her father and going home. Her biggest worry was if her rapist was now stalking her.
She felt safe at Gar's home. She wished she could stay here but that was impossible. His parents have already said she could only stay one night. Rachel was trying to figure out what to do when Gar asked her a question.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"I was wondering what you wanted to do today." Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Wanna hang out with the others? We could go to a movie. Or since I got you started playing video games, we could go to the arcade."
Rachel raised an eyebrow at this suggestion. "Ah, no. I'M not going anywhere near that noisy place. Hanging out with the others, that'd be cool. First, I'd like to change out of these clothes. I'm getting kind of sick of them."
"Sure, we can go over to your place soon. Let me take a quick shower, and then we can go." While Gar was in the shower, Rachel looked around the living room. She studied the family photos. She smiled, in most of them, no matter what Gar's age, he had an animal with him.
Gar and Rachel walked to her house. They chatted about movies, TV shows and music. A few blocks from her house, Rachel got quieter. Instead of having lively conversations about concerts they've seen, as she was moments ago, she gave one or two word comments.
Gar noticed the change in her body language. She was tense and her shoulders were squared off. Glancing sown at her hands, he saw that they were clenched. Irritated that he noticed that, she jabbed her hands into her jean pockets. "Hey, Rae-chel, you okay?"
"Yeah." She had her lips pressed together in a thin line. Instead of looking at Gar, she just looked down at the sidewalk.
"You don't wanna go home, do you?"
"How could you tell? Sorry, I just …" she sighed.
"Don't worry about it. Hey, want me to call the others to meet us there?"
"Sure, I don't care."
"Think your dad'll be there?"
Rachel shrugged, "Don't know. Probably not."
Gar decided to give things a rest for a while. They walked in silence to Rachel's house. Once there, they saw both Trigon's a and Laura's cars were gone. To wait for their friends, they sat on the front steps.
"Is he really out-of-town that much? Kori said sometimes when he is, you stay with her."
She shrugged again, "Yeah, I guess."
"What about your stepmom? How do you get along with her?"
Another shut. "She's okay, I guess. She's either away with my dad or off on her own. I don't know where."
Trying to understand, Gar wondered, "Was your dad always like that? I mean you hardly talked about him. And when you did, you just mentioned he was working. Was he out-of-town a lot back then?"
Rachel sighed deeply. She didn't want to talk about her father but Gar was sincerely trying to understand her. She tried to figure out what to say. "Um, well, he's always been a workaholic."
"So he travels a lot. Is that why you're used to being along?"
"He was never out-of-town when I was little. The traveling didn't start happening until recently. Rachel rolled her eyes. "After the 'accusations' of abuse, he was hanging around, not at work all the time. He was actually asking about me. I knew it was all fake. I knew he just wanted things to look good for the police and social workers."
"Don't they think it's suspicious that he's gone so much?"
Rachel's brow wrinkled. "No, he said they'd forget about me. He was right. Nobody comes around anymore. Guess my case got lost or something. I didn't gain anything from the truth coming out."
"He stopped hurting you, so that's good."
Rachel simply answered with a sad yeah. Gar looked over to her strangely. What was with her reaction? Shouldn't she be relieved that her father's leaving her alone, not hurting her? He didn't get a chance to ask her about it because Malcolm came out of his house. Malcolm said, "Hey kid, how you doing? Is this your boyfriend?"
Rachel glared at him. "We're just friends and I don't date."
"Sure, okay, well, see you around." Malcolm got on his bike and roared down the driveway.
Gar still didn't get a chance to mention Rachel's reaction. Vic's car pulled up, Kori and Richard were with him.
Rachel stood, "Sorry you guys had to come over."
"Don't worry about it Rae."
Rachel let everyone in. Richard and Gar were the only ones who haven't been here before. She caught Gar looking around in amazement. She didn't know what he was expecting but something told her, he was imagining a haunted house. She said, "Looks pretty normal doesn't it, not like a house of horrors?"
Gar stammered, "Oh, um, I didn't mean …"
She interrupted him, "It's okay, I know you didn't know what to expect especially since I don't talk about it much. Um, you're all welcome to eat anything here, if there is anything. I'm just gonna go take a quick shower and change."
When they heard the water come on for the shower, the others checked out the kitchen.
When they heard the water come on for the shower, the others checked out the kitchen. There wasn't much there. They didn't know that Rachel kept a lot of nonperishable food in her room, in her closet. But they thought it almost looked like no one lived there. They wondered how often Trigon and his new wife came home. Has he abandoned his daughter? Without a job, Rachel couldn't live like this for long. They left the nearly empty kitchen to explore the rest of the main floor. Everything looked normal. No one would ever suspect any sort of abuse happening here.
Tripping on a rug, Gar bumped into the table in the front hall. "Hey, watch it Gar," warned Vic, "That's probably an antique." Everything they've seen looked very expensive or like an antique.
"Sorry, dude, it was an accident. I tripped." He knelt down to look at the little button-like thing. "Hey, what's this?" The others came over to see what he found.
"What is it?"
"I dunno. I think it fell off the table when I bumped into it."
"Was it on the table?"
"I don't think so. All I saw was that tray of mail. What do you think it is?"
Vic picked it up. "It's sticky on one side." He kept studying it. He thought looked familiar.
"Like it was stuck to something?" Richard's checking out the bottom of the table. "There's a small sticky spot. It's about the size of that thing. Think it was stuck here?"
Gar wondered, "Why would someone stick a button-thingy on the bottom of a table?"
Thinking he knows what it was, Vic dropped it on the floor a stepped on it.
"Why did you do that? Perhaps it was there for safe keeping?"
"I don't think so Kor. You know how I'm into computers and technology?" The others nodded, wondering where he was going with this. "Well, I'm always online or reading magazines about that and there are ads for things."
"Have you seen something like this in those ads?" asked Richard.
"Yeah, I think it's a bug. That's why …"
"That's why you stepped on it," finished Richard.
"Ooo, gross, a bug. I hate bugs," said Kori, "Let me see."
"It's not an insect bug. It's a listening device bug."
Rachel came into the front hall. They were all looking down at something. "What are you doing?"
They looked up at Rachel. She looked refreshed. They didn't want to upset her but she should know what they found. Richard said, "We found something that doesn't belong here."
"What?" she was curious and concerned.
Vic picked up the destroyed gadget. "We found a bug, a listening device. Any idea how it got there?"
"Where was it?" She felt weird knowing someone could've been listening to her. How long was it there?
"It fell off this table when I bumped into it."
"Terra." Rachel remembered the blonde leaning against that table.
"Why would you say her name?"
"She was here last week."
"That's right. You mentioned that when I came over to talk about your party."
"What was she doing here?"
"She was wondering about you, Gar."
"Me?"
"You think she would've put this here? Why would she do that?"
"I don't know." Everyone was confused. Would Terra really do something like this? Rachel and Terra weren't friends so it wasn't really betrayal, was it? Rachel had a flashback. She only remembered bits of what HE whispered, "The other girl wasn't this challenging ...she wanted it ...she struggled some at first. ...about your age ...one of your friends?" Rachel had forgotten any of that until now. Was there really another girl? Could Terra have been the girl he was talking about? Did he hurt her like he hurt Rachel? If he did, why would Terra help him? Was that how he knew how to find her yesterday?
"Rachel? You okay?"
She blinked several times coming back to the present. "Yeah, sure, I-I'm fine. Let's get out of here. It's just too weird that someone could've been listening for I don't know how long. Thanks for finding it and destroying it."
"No problem. Where do you wanna go?"
"I don't care as long as it's not here."
Loading into Vic's car, they decided going to the mall was their best option. Gar even talked Rachel into going to the arcade. They spent all day keeping busy, distracting Rachel. They didn't return to Rachel's until late evening.
"You sure you're gonna be alright? Sure you don't wanna stay at Kori's?
"It would not be a problem if you did."
"It's okay. I'll …" Rachel sighed then smiled, "I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'm sixteen. I should be able to stay home alone without being afraid of the bogeyman."
"If you are sure." Kori gave Rachel a gentle hug. "Call me even if you just wish to talk about nothing."
"That goes for all of us," said Richard. "Call any of us, any time."
"He's right, we'll be here in minutes, just call us," said Vic, "You know I'd do anything for my 'little sister'."
"I know, thanks. And thanks for being so understanding." She wondered why Gar was so quiet.
Vic said to Gar, "C'mon, we should go."
Gar said, "You guys go ahead. I'll call you if I need a ride. I just don't feel right leaving Rachel alone right now. I'm worried about her."
"We all are but she's stronger than she thinks."
"What are you still doing here? Why didn't you leave with the others?"
"I just thought I'd stay with you a little longer."
"So, you lost the bet and have to baby sit me. Great. What was it? You guessed how long it'd take me to freak out? Or are you here to see how long it takes for me to really lose it?"
"I'm not here to baby sit you. There was no bet. We'd never do something like that. I'm here as your friend."
"Aren't you lucky," she said sarcastically, "you get to be friends with a freak."
Gar was confused. Where was this coming from? She was fine and moments ago. "I wanna stay here and help you."
"Why? I need to get used to the new me. The me who's a bigger freak than before. I need to stop being afraid of being alone. Because that's what I am, alone and a freak."
"Rachel?"
"Call them back so they can give you a ride. I'm sure they're not too far away."
"I'm not gonna call them." He repeated, "I wanna stay here and help you."
"Fine," Rachel went to pick up the phone, "if you won't call, then I will."
"Rachel, stop." Gar held his hand over hers, stopping her from picking up the phone. "You're not a freak and you're not alone. We're your friends and we're not gonna abandon you like everyone else has."
It took a moment for what Gar said to sink in. Her anger melted into uncertainty and hope. Rachel then did something she and Gar never thought she'd do. She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him. Gar was shocked. He didn't know what to do. This wasn't a romantic hug. It was more like a lifesaving hug. It was almost as if Rachel was afraid of her life drowning her and right now Gar was her lifeline. Awkwardly, Gar pat Rachel on her back to comfort her.
Quickly she pulled away and muttered, "Sorry, I-I shouldn't have done that."
"It's okay, you did nothing wrong." Gar got an idea. "Would you feel safer if I stayed here tonight?"
"You mean sleep here, overnight?" He nodded. "You can't do that. I mean your parents …you'll get in trouble. You'll …I …"
"You know I'm not gonna hurt you. Do you feel safer with me being here?"
"Yeah, but …"
"Then let me stay." Rachel looked unsure. "I could sleep on the sofa."
Thinking about it, Rachel accidentally spoke her thoughts aloud. "Could he sleep on my floor?"
"Sure, I could do that." Confused, Rachel looked at him. "You just wondered if I could sleep on your floor. Sure, I could do that if it makes you feel safe. Would you feel better if I slept on your floor instead of the sofa?"
"Yeah, maybe …I don't know." She knew she wasn't making any sense. "I've never had a boy sleep in my room before." Her face turned beet red.
Gar's face almost matched the same shade as Rachel's face. He stammered, "If it makes you, um, feel better, I've, uh, I've never, um slept in a girl's room."
"Oh, well okay, um your parents …" She was just as nervous as he was.
"My parents will think I'm at Vic's. I just have to call him and let him know what we're doing if you want me to stay. He'll be okay with it. Don't worry, he'll go along."
Rachel suddenly felt shy and awkward around Gar. She knew he wanted to help her and that he would never try anything. He already knew her two ugliest secrets and he hadn't run away. But she was afraid it would be weird having him in her room.
Gar sensed her apprehension. Not wanting to add to her stress, he suggested, "Why don't I sleep on your floor a few hours. If you're not comfortable with that, then I could move to the sofa. You had a good night sleep at my house. Maybe you need a chance for that here?"
"Okay, I guess we could try it."
Upstairs, Rachel showed him the bathroom while she got an extra pillow and blankets from the linen closet. It felt strange for her to leave her door not only unlocked but also open while she waited for Gar. After Kori's visit, Rachel cleaned up her room some. That was, she shoved most of her stuff into her closet. However, she did toss out the actual trash. If her wall shocked him, Gar didn't say anything when he came in her room.
Rachel sat on her bed with her knee pulled up to her chest while Gar sat on the blankets on the floor. "So, um, sorry I didn't have anything better for you to sleep on."
"That's okay, these blankets will do."
They looked at one another, nervous and shy. "So, um …" said Rachel at the same time Gar said, "Did you …"
Again, they spoke at the same time, "You go first." and "Oh, sorry."
Gar laughed nervously, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go to sleep now cuz you look a little tired. You don't look bad, just kinda worn-out."
Proving his point, Rachel yawned. "Yeah, guess I am kinda tired. That whole thing with that bug sort of worried me. It's just really creepy, you know." She laid down and pulled her blanket up to her chin.
Gar laid on his side so he could still talk to Rachel. "Yeah, that was totally creepy. I mean, like, who does something like that? But try not to worry about it. Vic took care of it."
"Sure, I'll try not to worry. Um, do you mind if I leave this light on and turn on the radio." Avoiding his eyes, Rachel tried to explain. "I, um, sometimes don't like the dark or the quiet. I just need a little something."
"Sure it's okay, whatever you need." He settled down under his blanket. "Good night."
"'Night." Rachel did the same in her bed. "Um, Gar?"
He propped himself on his elbow. "Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"No problem, this is what friends do."
The teens laid on there, lost in their own thoughts. Slowly, slumber took over them.
Gar was startled awake. At first, he didn't know where he was. Remembering he was in Rachel's room, he looked up to her bed and saw what woke him up. Rachel was thrashing, struggling with the blanket. She was still asleep but she cried out. She must be having a nightmare. Gar didn't know what to do as his friend cried out, "No, no! I didn't … No! He forced …"
Gar climbed onto her bed and tried to calm her down. "Rachel? Rachel? It's okay, calm down. You're safe. No one's gonna hurt you."
Rachel struggled harder the more Gar tried to calm her down. His heart broke hearing the panic in her voice. "No! Stop! Stay away! Stay away! NO!"
She woke up, panting for air. She was shocked to find Gar holding her arms. Still terrorized by her nightmare, she shrank away from him. "W-w-what are y-you…?"
He let go of her. "Rachel, I'm not trying to hurt you. You had a nightmare and I was trying to wake you up and calm you down."
Remembering her nightmare, she covered her face with her hands. She was ashamed, how could she ever think one of her friends would hurt her like that? "I-I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't mean … I-I know y-you w-wouldn't…" She broke down crying, not able to voice her horrible suspicions she had of her friend.
He gathered her into the second hug within hours. She trembled as she cried "It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. I know you're just scared. I'm sorry you had the nightmare and I scared you. You mentioned earlier that you hated the nightmares. Do you, um, have nightmares like this one often? Did you have a nightmare last night?"
Still holding tight to Gar, she shook her head against his shoulder. "No. Not lately. It's this damn house. I hate this place. To everyone else, this is a normal house. It's not that way for me. The past abuses haunt me. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, go ahead and cry if you want."
"I don't WANT to cry but I can't help myself. Sometimes, I feel like I can't stop."
"Do you remember the nightmare? Wanna tell me about it? Maybe it'll help?"
She slowly pulled away from her friend as she considered what she should share. She remembered this one. Most of them she didn't. Rachel looked around her room. She's never shared anything about her dreams, could she do that now?
"It's okay too if you don't want to."
Rachel took another moment before she spoke. She let out a deep shaky sigh, "Um, it started out, I was alone in an empty room. My parents suddenly appeared. I don't know where they came from. This room didn't have any doors or windows.
"They knew what happened to me. They, they blamed me for …it happening. They said it was my fault, that if I didn't want it, I should've stopped it. Mom yelled at me with hatred that since I didn't try to stop him, then I must've wanted it. But that's not true. I fought. I tried to tell her he forced himself on me, that I didn't want anything to do with him. My, my mom called me a …a slut. She said I was a slut because I-I …because I had …sex with an older man.
"They multiplied until there were dozens of each of them standing around me. They continued to yell at me, that it was my fault. They were so loud.
"I screamed for them to stop and the others disappeared. It was just the three of us again. They looked at me with disgust and hate." Rachel stopped. She knew there was more to her dream but she had trouble focusing.
"I'm sorry. You know it's not your fault?"
Rachel started to nod when the rest of her nightmare surfaced. She gasped, "HE was there." Panic raised in her voice.
"Who was there?" Gar watched as terror took over the distress on her features.
"He was there. He was coming over to me. My parents wouldn't help me. They're too busy blaming me. I couldn't run away. I was stuck. My feet, my legs were frozen. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. He whispered in my ear."
"What did he say?"
Tears freely flowed as she said, "He said that I couldn't have stopped him. And that nobody will believe me." Gar gathered her into another tender hug. "I shouldn't have made him angry. I should've stopped it. My parents were right. I am to blame. It's all my fault. I-I didn't stop it."
"Rachel, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. It's not your fault what that son of a bitch did to you."
"But I should've fought harder. I didn't fight hard enough. When he …I-I just gave up. I let him …"
"You did fight. I know you. You're a fighter. The bastard was probably larger and stronger than you were. He was wrong, not you. He took advantage of you. And you did what you had to do to survive. It wasn't your fault. And I know you fought that awful night cuz you fought against me when you were dreaming and I was trying to calm you down. You punched me."
Rachel pulled away, her tear-filled eyes large with shock. "What! I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean … I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
Gar rubbed his jaw. "Don't be sorry. And don't worry. I'll be fine but you have quite a left hook. That's why I know you fought like hell that night. I'm sorry he hurt you."
"I'm sorry I hurt you. And not just now. I don't mean to snap at everyone. I'm just so …overwhelmed sometimes."
"Is that why you painted your walls?"
Rachel sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I did that the night before my birthday, everything was going wrong." She played with her blanket so she didn't have to look at Gar. "That's also the night I got drunk for the first time. Kori wondered what I did special for my birthday. I had my first of a few hangovers. Pretty pathetic, huh?"
"You're not pathetic. You were traumatized." Rachel yawned. "Are you tired? Wanna try to get some sleep?"
"Would you …never mind, forget it."
"What? What do you want me to do?"
"Would you mind staying here with me? I just need to feel safe right now. I don't want to be alone."
"You want me to sleep on your bed with you?"
"Never mind, it was a stupid idea. Forget I said anything."
"It's not a problem. I can do that. I just want you to be sure. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"It's not like we're going to do anything. But if you don't want to it's okay. I understand."
Rachel felt dejected when Gar got off her bed. When he turned and saw her expression he quickly said, "I'm just getting my blanket and pillow. I'll do anything if it helps you."
They lie down on their backs, side by side, not even touching. They each have their own blanket. This reminded Rachel a little of that night in Hamilton with Jason. She groaned to herself in disgust. Oh God, when did she become such a "damsel in distress"?
Gar looked her way, "You okay?"
"Yeah," she stared at the ceiling, "thanks …for everything. 'Night."
"Good night."
Gradually the teens woke to the sound of birds. Gar was the first to wake up. He watched Rachel sleep with her head on his chest. He was glad she could get some sleep. He looked down at her hand resting on his chest. It looked so small. He wanted to pick it up and hold it. He wanted to hold her safe. How could anyone hurt her like that? He didn't know what he could do or say to make her stop blaming herself. He hated feeling so helpless.
As Rachel woke up, her eyes burned. That happened often and she hated it.
She didn't know if Gar was awake, so she slowly moved her head from his chest. She felt color rise to her cheeks. She shouldn't have snuggled up to him. It was wrong. "Good morning," Gar said softly, "how'd you sleep?"
"Okay, I guess." She quickly moved her head back to her pillow. Why did she do that? Why did she do any of this? It was so strange waking up next to a guy. "Um, how about you? How did you sleep?"
He stretched then propped himself up on one arm. "It was alright. I was a little cramped against the wall, but it wasn't that bad."
"Sorry, you probably shouldn't have stayed. It was a bad idea."
"Don't worry, everything's okay. I've just never slept in a girl's bed before."
With that statement, Rachel bolted out of bed. "I should see what I can find anything for breakfast." She hurried down stairs.
Realizing his mistake, Gar went after her. "Rachel, wait, I didn't mean anything by that."
"I know," she busied herself searching the kitchen. "Um, not really finding anything for you for breakfast."
"It's okay, I can have anything. Don't worry about it."
"But you're a vegetarian, right?" He nodded. "Well, my father's a complete carnivore, so I don't have anything for you." She nervously looked around. "You should probably go. You know, so you can get something to eat."
"Aren't you coming?"
"I should straighten things a little."
"I'll stay and help you, then we can go together."
"No, I can handle this myself. You should go. We don't want anyone to know you were here overnight." Color flooded her face.
Sensing that she was embarrassed about having him stay over, Gar agreed to go. "Meet me at school, in the courtyard like normal?"
"Yeah, sure, I'll see you there."
Gar met up with his friends except Rachel. He looked around for her but didn't see her. She should be here by now. "Hey, guys, have you seen Rachel?"
"I thought she was with you?"
Gar shook his head, "She wanted some time alone. Ugh, I shouldn't have left her alone. Grrr, why did I do that? Some friend I am."
Kori put her hand on his arm. "Please do not beat yourself up. You are a good friend to her. She is confused and probably needed some time to think."
Gar frowned, "Hope you're right, Kor."
Rachel knew they'd wonder where she was but she didn't care. She was tired of trying to be what they wanted all the time. She just needed a moment to be herself. Rachel glided the razor blade over her arm already littered with white scars. Not deep enough to do serious damage, she just added another scar to her others. What was more scar?
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