Thanks to obsmama for pre-reading and susayq and sectretobsession7 for betaing this bad boy. You girls rock! Big Edward smooches to everyone who reads and rec's my stories:)

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

~Chapter 37~A Shooting Fowl

~Edward~

The shrill sound in my ears was driving me in-fucking-sane. I reached over to the night stand to see that my phone was lit up to 'mom'. "Hello."

"Adios, Edward. Que pasa? This is your mother."

"Um, yeah, I got that. Hi." I stretched my legs and sat up. I didn't want to disturb Bella who was snoring softly beside me.

"So, I've got some free time today and was wondering what yous were up to. I feel like busting some caps. Bella needs the practice. Her supervisor cleared her to shoot today."

"Mom, please tell me you didn't call her supervisor! What the hell?" I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 8AM.

"Oh, Edward, relax dear. Jazz took care of it. He and Alicito are coming with. I know you're still recovering, but I hope you'll join us as well."

"Mom, I have to check with Bella. Can I give you a call back in a little while?" I yawned.

"Perfecto. Chow."

I pressed end on my phone and settled back down on the bed. For the first time in awhile my shoulder wasn't on fire. I was a little achy but otherwise okay. I wrapped my arm around Bella and drifted off to sleep.

I dreamt of Mexican mariachi men. There were a lot of them, and they had my condo surrounded. All of a sudden, they broke into a performance right in my driveway. It was loud, oh so fucking loud, and the noise was getting closer. Pink suddenly appeared and started singing about dirty little freaks with the Los New Mooners as her backups.

The sound of a car horn sent me bolting upright in bed. I rushed to the window and saw my mother in Emmett's Jeep. Her hair was no longer eggplant; instead a bright pink. She was jamming to Pink and shouting at the top of her lungs that she was 'too school for cool'. Emmett was bright red and hysterically laughing, while Baby Lopez was strumming his guitar.

"Bella, Bella wake up!" I yelled with urgency. Before long my neighbors were going to either call the police on the police, or at least gawk at the entertainment that was my mother.

"Edward, what the hell? Turn off the radio! What station is that anyways?" She pulled the blankets over her head to stop the racket.

"Baby, it's my mom and she's outside waiting for us to go shooting with her. Please wake up before the whole complex thinks they're under attack from a fucking ridiculous Pink impersonator."

Bella jumped out of bed and rushed to the window. She turned and looked at me with a grimace. "Wow."

"I know right! I'm going to kick Emmett's ass. I've got to bring them inside. Hurry up and get dressed." I gave her a quick slap on the ass and then rushed downstairs.

I opened the front door and my mother called me a dirty little freak. I seriously needed to talk to my father about slipping some meds into her yogurt, she was a lunatic. I got them to come inside and may have slapped Emmett in the back with my good arm. I had to, the fucker was sporting the biggest shit eating grin ever. "Morning, you little freak. ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT."

"Fuck you, dude. So not cool. And dare I ask what the hell that means?" My slap didn't even faze the big bastard, he was still grinning.

He snorted and could barely spit it out without pissing himself. "Rolling on the floor laughing so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco. We just heard it on the Latin station your mom was sporting. Dude, I love her."

I focused on my mother who was walking around my place with a tape measure ordering her amigo around. I looked at her outfit and barely held in my laughter. She was totally channeling Beth. Beth, as in Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. Her cleavage was standing at attention in her neon green form fitting stretchy shirt which happened to be covered by a fishing, turned tactical, vest. It had so many pockets on it, I was suddenly afraid of what one might find in them.

"Hi, Edward," she said, as she air kissed my cheeks. "Don't mind us. I need to see how big your rooms are."

I couldn't help but stare at my mom's tits, which was disturbing in and of itself, but I swore they looked like they'd been given a refresher course. I could feel myself start to turn red and hoped that Bella would make her appearance very soon. "Mom, why are you measuring?"

"I'm thinking your father and I should get one of these here condoms. Our house is much too big for just the two of us. I saw one for sale right up the street."

I could hear Emmett behind me chuckling and swore to myself that I was going to do something very evil to him. "Mom, they're called condos, condominiums to be exact. You mean like in my same complex?" I was all of a sudden thinking of killing my neighbor for trying to move, at the same thinking of possible people I could tell to buy it first. I could not live on the same street as my mother.

"Hi guys," Bella said, as she came down the stairs. Thank the Lord! "Edward, why is your mom taking measurements?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I answered with a whisper and an eye roll. Here goes nothing. "Are we ready to go?"

"Of course, dear, I was born ready. Vamanos, people."

"Yeah, vamanos buddy." Emmett wiggled his eyebrows, and I wanted to sucker punch him, not that he'd even notice, but still.

My mother tried to get us all to go together in the Jeep. Not happening. I told her my shoulder couldn't handle it, and Bella and I got into my car. Bella gave me a dirty look when I got into the driver's seat, but I was more than able to drive. Not to be mean, but I tended to get a little anxious when she was driving. It's not that she was a bad driver, I just felt more comfortable when I was behind the wheel of my baby. I loved my car, so what.

We arrived at one of the Seattle Police Department's many outdoor shooting ranges. It was a little cool, not terrible, and overcast; shocker. The rain was supposed to hold off at least. I pulled up besides Jasper's car, and as I looked around, I didn't see them. I looked over at Bella, who was suddenly six shades of red. She met my eyes and motioned with her head. Head. Head. Head. That was all I saw. Alice's head was bobbing up and down on the head of Jasper's dick.

I didn't know what to do. I was contemplating honking the horn, or else just pulling out of the parking lot. I was saved by the Esme. You could hear the Jeep's arrival for miles. It was still the traveling Mariachi Mobile, add a bit of Pink. I figured Alice would finish what she was doing, literally, but we weren't so lucky. She instead kept her head bobbing and added her hands in a 'raise the roof' salute. I'd never seen such a thing in my life. Bella clasped a hand over her mouth and looked at me with eyes as big as saucers.

I saw Emmett pull in the lot like a bat out of hell. He skidded to a stop, one of his trademark burn rubber moves, and we watched as Baby Lopez's guitar flew out of the Jeep and landed on the hood of Jasper's car with a thud. Bella gasped, and I just stared with my mouth hanging open. The music stopped and Alice sat upright wiping the corners of her mouth.

"Hells yeah!" exclaimed Esme. "Let's do this."

She got out of the Jeep and hugged an obviously upset Baby Lopez, while motioning to Emmett to retrieve his guitar. Emmett made his way over, immediately grabbing the guitar off of Jazz's car. "What the fuck? Dude! Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord, I wish you'd pull up your pants and put away your sword." Emmett was singing a perverse rendition of the Battle Hymn of the Republic at the top of his lungs, clearly unnerved by the sight that was Jasper's cock. His song choice wasn't the least surprising. The McCarty's were a patriotic, religious bunch.

Alice opened her car door and ran toward Emmett jumping on him in a straddling hug. "Hey Em!" He was still singing, but was silenced by a big kiss to his cheek.

He carried her to the range in a stunned, grossed out silence. I was glad that Bella and I grabbed a couple of cereal bars before we left. I couldn't have handled the show on an empty stomach. We wordlessly got out of the car and followed the nightmarish company we kept.

I had my gun strapped on my belt, as did Emmett and Jasper. Bella was carrying a small duffle bag full of her gear, while my mother was pulling, scratch that, Baby Lopez was pulling a medium sized suitcase that belonged to my family. I noticed an airport tag still attached to the base of it. I was thankful that we were the only people utilizing the range. Who knew what to expect?

My eyes locked on my girl as she opened her bag to get ready. She pulled off her hood exposing a couple of inches of skin around her waistline. I felt my dick twitch and knew that I had to be with her after we were done. She took off her belt, and to me it was like a personal striptease. My mouth went agape when she pulled her gun out and slid it onto her belt. It was fucking hot. I could totally imagine her wearing nothing else but her firearm while I shot my load, if you get my drift. I was horny. If it were up to me, our morning would've started out a lot more fun than being awoken to the dreadful sound of my mother.

Alice was bouncing up and down with excitement at the prospect of shooting a gun. I had to laugh at her skinny jeans and heels. "Alice, have you ever shot a gun before?" I was pretty positive I already knew the answer.

"No, but I've watched a lot of cop shows on TV. How hard can it be?"

Jasper moved toward her and was giving her safety instructions. I hoped she was paying attention, because all I noticed was her grazing his thigh and grabbing his ass. She was the dirty little freak. Why the hell wasn't my mother singing that shit to her?

"Edward, come here and see what your father bought me."

Oh crap. I walked over to my mom as she was opening the suitcase. Inside were about three handguns and an enormous hunting rifle. "Mom, a hunting rifle?" I looked beyond the guns and saw a huge stack of targets. A few of them were pictures of Osama Bin Laden, but most were typical silhouettes. She pulled one out and handed it to me with a smile.

"Yes, Edward. Your father and I are trying to go organic." No way was my mother thinking that she was going to provide their organic food. I needed to have a man to man with my father, and soon. "Take a look at this. You can totally play this with Bella and see who'll get the prize. Your father and I made these up at home. Since he's never able to go shooting with me, we practiced our own version of shooting at home with nerf guns. Let me tell you, your father never misses his target when a night with me is at stake." She winked at me and licked her lips. My ears were on fire.

I looked at the target and saw that the points in the various areas of the body had been scratched out and replaced with the words 'lick', 'suck', 'bite' and 'pinch'. "Oh God," came out of my mouth as I dropped the silhouette to the ground. It was un-freaking-believable how she could even taint shooting a gun.

Bella rushed over and picked up the target. She looked at it with a twinkle in her eye. "Edward, it's time to compartmentalize your thoughts. Leave that compartment locked up," she said pointing at my mom, "and think of all the fun we could have later."

"I'm not going to make any promises, but I'll try."

I looked around and tried to think of the safest spot for us to be. I didn't want to be next to my mother, Mariachi Dude, or Alice. I situated Bella and myself in-between Emmett and Jasper. They at least knew what they were doing.

Jasper set up our targets and we all put on our eye protection and stuck our ear plugs in. Jasper stood behind Alice, for some hands on instruction, Emmett was on his own, and Bella and I were ready to roll. Thankfully Baby Lopez was in charge of loading my mom's extra magazines with ammunition.

I watched Bella line up to shoot and was thrilled when she landed two shots to the target's genital area that said 'suck'. Sweet. I was next, and felt like being a show off. I landed a shot to each side of the chest, one to the head and one to the genitals for a grand total of 'bite', 'pinch', 'suck', and 'lick'. I turned to Bella and gave her a kiss, whispering in her ear that she was in for it later.

Mom interrupted my dirty talk with a loud and obnoxious throat clearing. Everyone stopped and stared at her. "Watch and learn, amigos. Watch and learn."

She pulled out two guns, one in each hand, out of their holsters and shot like she was starring in an old Western. Some hit targets, hers or other people's, some hit the ground in front of her, some made holes in the earth behind the targets, and some just landed hell knew where.

The six of us just stared wide eyed as she dropped her magazines and reloaded.

"Whoa. Dude, that's hot." Emmett was met with my elbow after that comment.

"Fuck yeah," Alice screamed.

"Arriba arriba, die motherfuckers." With that, she continued shooting up the entire range.

At least she wasn't totally unsafe. A little trigger happy and a lot excited, yes, but unsafe, not really. She looked a bit spent after her tirade and took a break to eat the breakfast that her amigo had spread onto a blanket for her. She ran shit.

The rest of us continued shooting. I was sticking with my good arm, mostly because I wanted to be as functional as possible for later. About the time my mom was done eating, the rest of us were done shooting. Emmett went to the vending machine and returned with a vast array of snacks for those of us not privy to the private breakfast picnic.

We commandeered the blanket as they were making their way back to the range. I'm not going to lie; it was both entertaining and uncomfortable watching my mother get doted over by a large Mexican man in a sombrero.

She pulled out the hunting rifle, and I cringed. The rustling of the junk food wrappers came to a halt as she lined up to shoot with a gun that was nearly her size. "Oh, shit," Emmett muttered as he stared at her.

She pulled the trigger on the semi-automatic weapon which sent bullets flying. The kick back from the powerful gun forced my mother onto her ass. She was pointed toward the sky and still shooting. We all covered our heads and I wish I would've been smart enough to cover my eyes. The next thing we knew there was a 'pop' sound and we were splattered with feathers and I could only guess what else. The bullets stopped and everything was eerily silent.

"Slam slam, oh hot damn," she yelled from the ground. "What part of party don't you understand? Carlisle is going to be so proud of me; I've landed my first kill. Lopez, get something to take that home in."

Holy hell. The five of us stood up slowly and started to gather our things. It was time to go. I walked over to my mother and took the rifle away from her placing it back in the suitcase. "Alright mom, great seeing you. Have a good day." I gave her a hug and turned to leave.

"Oh, no you don't. I promised your father that we'd all meet him for lunch at D's."

I hadn't been to the pizzeria in awhile, and I desperately needed to talk to my father. "Sounds good."

Everyone agreed with me so we headed downtown. Bella waited until we got into my car to completely let her laughter out. "I totally didn't want to be rude, but she's a hot mess, Edward."

"I know. Seriously, I don't remember her being that bad. Maybe I blocked it out or something. Bella, what the hell will I do if she moves down the street from us?"

The word 'us' flew out of my mouth naturally, and before I realized what it implied. I wished Bella would just stay, but in all reality I had no idea how much longer she was planning on staying. We hadn't had that talk yet, and all I was going on was what Alice said. I'd been too much of a chicken-shit to bring it up. I guess I was sort of assuming that she'd end up bringing more and more stuff and just end up moving in. Bella was not Tanya, and that's totally not how she would do things. Deep down I knew that, I just preferred to live in my happy little bubble for awhile longer.

Before I could explain myself, she began to speak. "Um, yeah. That would stink. I mean, she's great, but probably a little embarrassing as a neighbor."

Wow, she didn't freak out! Here goes nothing. "Bella, you know I want you to stay with me, right?"

"I am staying with you," she answered coyly.

"I mean for good. Alice told me your lease is up soon, and that you guys haven't renewed it yet. Think about it, you're already settled; you'd just have to move your big stuff in. My basement is empty, and we could just store your stuff down there."

"Edward, that's just it. I don't want my stuff stored anywhere. It's your place. A place you shared with her. Call me crazy, but I always envisioned that when I moved in with someone we'd be in a place that was ours. We'd make it our home, and start out together. It's probably stupid, but I don't know, it's just important to me. I'd always feel like I was just sleeping over at your place, and like Tanya's presence would be looming over us." She was furiously picking her nails and looked so distraught.

"I get it, I do. I already explained to you how Tanya came to live there, and you know how bad the market is right now. I can't possibly sell it, and I refuse to rent it out. I just want us to be together, Bella. Having you stay with me has been perfect. I can't even imagine not spending a night with you, and it's such a waste of money for the both of us to pay to live somewhere."

"Edward, I want to be with you too. I just don't see how that's possible right now. We can take turns at each others places or something," she offered weakly. "We can still be together every night. Plus, you haven't even said we should move in together. It's always stay at my place, or live with me. I need it to be ours, and I'm afraid it never would be."

I pulled up to Demetri's and parallel parked in front. We walked in together, and I was thankful for the distraction. I could see where she was coming from a little, but if it meant that much to her, she could scatter some of her shit around. Yes, I wanted her to live with me that bad. She had a point. I always did say live with me and used words like mine. I just never gave it a thought.

"Hiya, Edward. Hiya, beautiful! I've missed you guys!" Demetri gave me a slap on my bad shoulder and I winced. "Oh,Edward, I'm sorry. I forgot about you getting yourself shot up."

"It's getting better day by day," I answered, as I tried to swallow down the throbbing pain.

He led us to a table where my father was waiting. "I'll be back with your drinks."

"Hi, Edward." He stood up and gingerly hugged me. "Where's the rest of the gang?"

"They're on the way. I'm sure we'll hear them way before we see them."

My father gave me a confused look, but I didn't bother explaining myself as I knew he'd find out sooner rather than later.

"Perfect. Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Yeah, well me too." I needed to warn him that my mother was planning on feeding him organic bird.

"Your mother and I want to downsize, and I wanted to talk to you before I put the house up for sale."

"She told me. Really, Dad, no offense but I really don't want Mom for a neighbor."

He let out a chuckle. "I can't imagine why not. I have a proposition for you."

Before he could explain, the windows of the restaurant shook with bass signaling their arrival. The minute the five of them walked in, Esme held her hand up and stated, "Raise your glasses."

The entire restaurant held their glasses up in obedience. "Cheers," shouted Demetri. "Hola, Mama Cullen." They hugged and he led the group to our table.

After a delicious lunch, my father was the first to leave as he had to get back to work. He told me he'd give me a call when he got a chance. Bella, Jasper, and Emmett decided they should be seen in their office, so they headed there together. Alice volunteered to drive my mom and Baby Lopez, which left me alone.

I called Yorkie, who was in the office, and decided to go and hang out with him for a bit. I walked into my office like a famous person. Everyone converged on me at once. It made me feel good, as people I didn't even know were voicing their concern. I was finally old news and got to visit with Yorkie in peace. He was on cloud nine and went on and on about the high school teacher he was dating. I was happy for him, and told him we'd all get together very soon.

After a pretty long visit, I headed home. I couldn't wait to relax. I knew I'd overdone it for the day. As I threw on some sweats, my cell rang.

"Hi, son. Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah, Dad, perfect timing. I just got home."

"Okay, so your mother and I have decided to move as I told you earlier. Edward, what are your feelings about the house you grew up in?"

"Are you asking me if I'd be all emotional if you sold it? I mean I love it and all, but you have to do what you feel is right."

"Well son, what I feel is right is for you to buy it. When your mother told me how much she loved the area your condo is located in, and when her measurements measured up, it dawned on me that we should switch. All of the belongings we care to bring would fit, and I would look into having the basement finished of course, but all in all it would be perfect. Oh, and before you comment, I am well aware of what your mother thought condominiums were called."

"Wow, Dad, I don't know what to say. I mean, I hoped one day I'd be able to afford a house like yours. The location is incredible. I mean to have a nice big yard while in a neighborhood setting is priceless. I can't just let you trade me."

"Edward, you're my only child. You'll end up with it anyways. I'd much rather see you enjoy it and hopefully fill it up someday." He enunciated someday, meaning he was relieved that it wasn't right now. I understood what he meant completely.

"Dad, I still owe a lot of money on my place. I can't just take your house and make you pay for mine."

We talked for awhile longer, as I walked around trying to figure out if I really wanted to leave my first home. I guess it was a strange situation since I'd be leaving the first home I purchased to go back to the first home I remembered. I told him I'd think it over and as he was hanging up, I told him he needed to be wary of anything my mom tried to cook him for dinner. He laughed and hung up.

I sat on the edge of my bed with a decision to make. The timing wasn't the best, and I did love my place. On the other hand, I couldn't fathom strangers living in my parents' house.

I picked up the phone to call Bella and suddenly it wasn't such a hard decision, and the timing wasn't so poor.

a/n: Okay…we're winding down with probably one chapter to go. I hoped you liked Esme on the range! If you're not playing TwiFicTrivia on Tuesday nights at 9Est on Twitter, you're missing out on some fun times!

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**A special thanks to UkAlice who has been around from the beginning, reviewed every chapter, and gave me the 'ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT' that she really heard on the radio!