BioWare owns all; I just play in their pond. Reviews are always welcome!
A/N: Had to take a little creative license with the timing of The Last Straw, being as Fenris has another chapter coming up here. Since we're all about balancing the scales in this chapter, I borrowed a little bit of canon from Act 1. ;)
37. Solacium – Anders
Hawke closed the door behind him as quietly as he'd opened it before leaning back against the rough wood grain and covering his eyes with his hand. Even without having to walk through this foyer and tell Anders how he'd failed, he was certain in this moment that he wouldn't feel at home. He felt the absence of his mother, almost as sharp as it had been years ago, and finally allowed himself to acknowledge with a weary acceptance that today marked the anniversary of her death. Another failure. Another life I couldn't protect.
"Erm… Messere?"
Looking up now, Hawke saw Bodahn peering tentatively through the door into the parlor. "Yes, Bodahn?" He was sure the dwarf could see his struggle to regain himself, to carry on, to move, as he stepped through the next doorway.
"A… letter arrived, from the Circle of Magi. The messenger asked that you read it straight away on your return. I've left it with the others on your desk. Guard-Captain Aveline also sent a man to speak with Master Anders about the events of today. Master Anders is now in your chambers."
The world seemed to have slowed. It felt as if the entire evening should have been consumed in the time it took to cross the room, to open the envelope, to step back to the fire, and to read the letter from Orsino. As he watched the last of the paper turn to ash, he was almost surprised not to feel the morning sun burning through the window above. "Bodahn."
"Yes, Messere?" The dwarf wondered after a moment if Hawke realized he'd spoken aloud.
"Find a runner. I want all the usual crew, any who are available, to meet me in the courtyard at the Gallows at six bells tomorrow evening. Tell them it's bloody urgent Circle business at the direct request of First Bloody Enchanter Orsino, and from the sound of things I'll need everyone I can gather."
"Yes, Messere." The unlikely manservant considered how he might reword the message as he watched his unlikelier master walk into the sitting room to stand, staring at a different fire with the same lack of focus. The runner can wait for a moment, he thought, moving quietly past the doorway to the sitting room and up the stairs.
Even knowing he wouldn't have to recount the details of his conversation with Elthina – her refusal to see that Meredith had overstepped her authority in ordering hangings for civilians, her refusal to directly address the growing number of reported violent attacks against mages, her argument that Meredith and Orsino were still capable of finding a resolution together, the confidence that still rang false that Meredith shouldn't be relieved of her command… It was still another failure on a day for failures, and just now he couldn't summon the energy to do more than gaze down at the tidy flame and wonder what in the Void the rest of the world seemed to see in him.
So Anders found him, having heard from Bodahn that urgent meant tomorrow evening and that the Champion needed him now, "whether Master Hawke knows it or not."
Nothing's happening tonight, Justice. Whatever comes will be tomorrow, not before. Whatever will be taken from him then, right now I can give. It may never be justice, but tonight, I'm needed here, and you… aren't.
Freed from the spirit's insistent sense of obligation, he stepped quietly into the room, gently closing the door behind him. The healer crossed over and stepped behind the mage, head on his shoulder, reaching up to clasp their hands together against Hawke's chest. From here, he could see silent tears softly falling to the other man's chin to break away and descend to the hearth, catching the light of the fire as they fell. They stood for a time, gently swaying, the blond man seeing his way in the perfect prisms of his love's misery and grief, before Anders began to speak with a calm purpose he'd never before known.
"I've been thinking today, you know. About how far we've come, about everything we've done. The Champion of Kirkwall and the Savior of Darktown, those names that mean the world outside these walls and not a damned thing within. And it occurred to me that they shouldn't, because we have to find our peace somewhere, and that would never happen here if we couldn't lay our burdens at the door and take what respite we're able to find.
"Inside other walls, we're so much more, you and I, than convenient names that pass others' lips as if just saying them will invoke the order they wish for. There's a family of children looking up to Walter now, some of them better cared for now than they were before they had to flee here. He told me yesterday they owe it to us, and when he tells the younger ones stories to send them off to sleep, they refuse to hear any tale whose heroes aren't named 'Hawke' and Anders.'
"Countless mages are no doubt thanking us for their flight from the Gallows, or for saving them ever having to go. It may seem a heavy weight to bear, knowing what many of those mages suffered before we arrived, but I know enough to promise you that even if we never forget the pain, we will forever think first of the one who caused it to stop.
"There's an untold number of people who will never remember either one of us as heroes, though they will remember us. The hundreds, perhaps the thousands of people who made do after fleeing the only home they'd ever known, who came to us in our clinic in their hour of need. However great that need may have been, they'll remember the men who gave freely of themselves so they could go on surviving, best they could. And many of them will even realize that we never asked for their memory, either, and that will prompt them to speak of us to their children, their grandchildren, who are born into a better world.
"In here, there are the two of us, who no longer need to speak of what we've been to each other to know, tonight, what we are. The favors and kindnesses, the comfort and love that have passed between us to this day won't ever be forgotten, woven as they are into the whole of us.
"You've been thinking today, too. About Elthina, and the chance you represented to help more mages than just one at a time. About Leandra, and the weight of the blame you've carried in the years between. About Bethany, whose weight you also let me share for you, just as you shouldered for me some of the burden of Karl, and the whip, and the darkness. I like to think, now, that your mother and your sister can see all the good you've done, all the pain you've brought yourself so others might suffer less. I know I do, standing here with you now.
"You told me once that we can never predict the outcome of our actions, that we can only make them with a true heart. That's who you are. That's all you've ever done. Those of us who know you, those of us who are privileged to love you, for who you are, don't tally the outcomes and weigh one against the other. We don't keep score, Davin. Neither should you. But if your need today is a measure of the mark you've left, you've just heard how that scale is weighted."
Quiet now, the bright flashes of pain in the firelight slowed, then stopped, and Hawke turned around to return the healer's embrace. As the tidy fire exhausted itself, they moved to the stairs, and after a time, they found their peace.