Chapter 37

No one was sure if having Adam Ruzek back at the station was the greatest of ideas. No one was sure if that would just make things even worse than it already is. That was everyone except Antonio, who had succeeded in convincing Voight to take Adam back. He had reassured and had given him his word that Adam wouldn't be of any trouble.

Antonio sure hopes he wouldn't since his career at Intelligence will be in jeopardy if Adam makes even the slightest mistake.

The team were happy to have him back. The goofy and jolly Adam they all have come to love and consider as family was finally here. The past couple of months have been quiet. No one talked or even smiled. It had gotten to the point where Atwater didn't even want to come into work anymore since the air held a thick cloud black haze.

"It's good to have you back, man." Atwater gave him a hug. Though it was clear, from his eyes, that he had spent the entire night partying, he hoped last night would be his last. The finale of his binge episode.

"It's good to be back." he said with a nod.

Just then the newest member of the specialised unit emerged from the break room. Adam can't help but stop and stare at her.

"Hey, tell me again, why you failed to mention that we got a newbie?" he whispered to the guys.

"Oh right. You'll like her. She's bomb." the guys reassured.

The last week or so with the all-male team, she have proved herself time after time with her intel and ideas that she was of value to group. She's the reason why they had closed their last open case so quickly. And now they've grown to like. Though it'll be quite some time for Olinsky, she's getting to his expectations.

The blonde hair blue eyed caught his stare and smile, walking over to him with a coffee mug in her hands.

"Hi. Kate Lansing. Nice to meet you."

He stared into her blue eyes for a tad bit too long. He didn't even notice the hand she had extended and only realised when Antonio cleared his throat.

He couldn't help but notice her hollow blue irises, golden locks that were tied into a ponytail. Her flawless skin. She was suddenly nice to look at.

"Adam Ruzek." he replied, shaking her hand.

He have never had a thing for blondes.

She nodded and went back to her desk.

Jay's desk.

"So Jay, huh?"

Voight had already found his replacement. It was probably what's best for the best but not for his best friend.

Speaking of best friend, he can't help but feel guilty for not visiting him ever since he had woken up at the hospital. Other than the handful of times he had seen him at Med after he had woken up to blindness, Adam had never visited him after that. Not ever since he hooked up with Erin, his best friend's girl.

Has Erin told him about them?

Will she ever tell him? Should she?

The past should be left in the past. There's no point in stirring more trouble. Like there hasn't been enough already?

"Yeah." Antonio sighed. "He's probably never coming back. Doc said it's not likely."

"What about Lindsay?"

At her last name, he can feel Antonio stiffen by his side; they were all still pretty much mad at his actions.

But who can he blame other than the joint?

"She might be back after the baby's born. Who knows?"

"Right. The baby." he said with disgust. "I don't get it...I don't get why she's having his baby."

Erin has and will always be a sensible woman. Or so he had thought. So when he heard she was carrying her rapist baby and, in fact, she was keeping the bastard, he was certain she had lost her mind. She's crazy for keeping it. It shouldn't even growing inside of her. It should've been killed. It shouldn't have survived the preterm labour. Erin should've bled her out. At least in that way, Kim's murder would have been reasoned.

A life for a life.

"It's a maternal thing that we're never going to understand and we don't need to. Erin wants to keep her and all we can do is respect her wishes."

Antonio remembered up until Laura saw, Eva, their first child for the first time, in the ultrasound scan, she didn't feel any attachment, whatsoever, while he couldn't be any happier.

Adam snickered and internally rolled his eyes, he was about to walk over to Lansing when Voight walked into the bullpen and made his presence by calling for him to come to his office.

He held the door open for him as while the room cower behind their computer screens.

"Take a seat." he stated.

Adam complied and sat on one of the two chair in front of his desk.

Voight took a deep breath. He didn't want to ever have to see his face again but everything Antonio had said, Voight felt bad for him. Besides, he shouldn't be firing him solely for his liaison with Erin.

"So, we need to have a little chat about your stupidity with Lindsay."

"I'm so sorry, sir. I know I was out of line. We, I shouldn't have...done what I did."

"You're damn right you shouldn't." he slammed his hand on his desk. Suddenly, his blood was boiling. "You took advantage of her. She was vulnerable, fragile and you knew she wasn't at the right place. You knew full well that she wasn't ready. You knew what she had gone through and you still took advantage of her."

He didn't take advantage of her, she initiated it but then again, he didn't stop it.

Images of their bodies flashed before his eyes and he can't help but cringe at the fact. It's every dad's worst nightmare.

"I should fire your ass." he looked to Adam to see him staring down at the ground. "Consider this as your last and only chance, Ruzek. If you happen to do anything remotely stupid, you're gone. Back to patrol, where you belong."

He nodded.

"And if you can't control yourself from doing something stupid then just remember how you got here."

Obviously, he'll never forget.
He'll forever be grateful for everything Voight had done for him, the opportunities and experiences, he had allowed him to start at Intelligence and not patrol like everyone else. He didn't have to work his way up the ladder like the other cops.

Adam nodded his head again, still looking down at the ground.

"We're family and we look after each other but at the end of the day, I'm still your boss; you listen to me. And don't go batting your eyes at Lansing. I know what you were trying to do. This ain't high school, Ruzek. Is that clear?"

This time Voight ought to really make his no office romance rule heard. Erin and Jay were the prime example why personal life should never be mixed with work. It clouds ones judgement.

"Yes, Sarge. I understand."

He nodded. "Now, get out there. Antonio will have you caught up on all our open cases."

"My baby girl's dead." Walter Gibbons stated once everyone were situated in the family's living room.

Walter Gibbons, father of Diane Gibbons, the body found at Rogers Park. They had positively identified her through CODIS, having her fingerprints on the database for domestic violence.

Walter held his wife's hand who was clearly distraught at just hearing the words 'Your daughter's dead.'

This was the hardest part of being a cop. It's not the late hours, not the gunfire or even the high possibility of every day may be the last, it's the families, the loved ones they had to report the news too. And Adam had always found homicides to be the hardest.

This feeling was all too familiar to Adam.

"She is...was a happy child." he closed his eyes for a moment in order to collect his thoughts, "Up until a few months ago, Diane was so happy. She had just graduated from college with a degree in teaching. She was so eager to begin teaching. She had interviews coming next month but..."

The saddest part was having to witness them change tenses.

Kathleen, the mother, sniffled, gripping her husband's hand with all her might. "My baby was such a good girl. She never used to drink, she never abuse drugs, she had a 4.0 average. I just - I don't understand why would anyone kill her?" she asked the detectives, her voice tingled with sorrow.

Antonio briefly glanced at Adam, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. Although he have never lost a child, he could certainly understand how Diane's parents really were. He had almost lost Diego.

"I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am." Antonio began, "But you said that Diane seemed happy up until a few months ago, right? What happened to change that?"

Walter spoke up for his wife, his face turning crimson in fury. "It was that no-good, two-timing, drug addict boyfriend." he spat out. "She was a good girl until she met him. He destroyed her. He destroyed my daughter's life."

That explains her alcohol level of .07 and heroin in her system. What the parents had earlier described didn't make any sense to them.

It was Adam who tossed Antonio a knowing look. "Sir, have you ever met this boyfriend?"

He should his head, "No. We never met him in person. But we could hear him over the phone whenever we called to talk to Diane. Last Christmas, she came home with a bruise on her neck, like he strangled her. I was so mad. I wanted to kill him. I wanted but she begged me not to. And now my girl's dead because of him."

Kathleen wiped several tears of her tears away, looking at between both Adam and Antonio. "Last month, she called asking for us to bail her and that boyfriend out of jail. They were fighting and the neighbours called the police and took the both of them. We didn't want to bail him out. But she said she would never talk to us ever again. And I cannot have that. She's my only child...we never should've bailed him out." she sobbed into her husband's arms, "We killed her, Walt."

Now all they have to do was find that boyfriend.

"Halstead, I'll be there in five. Don't worry about opening the door, I got a key." Voight's voice message said while he carefully feel his way around to the sofa at Erin's apartment with his cane.

They had just gotten back from today's class and physical therapy, a normal day of Erin driving him to the centre and picking him up. What she does in between the hours of the former and latter; he doesn't know for certain.

Maybe she had cleaned the apartment five times. He wouldn't know.

But he knows to not bother her too much since she's pretty moody, in other words, hormonal. A words he knows not to say in front of her.

Hearing shower run, he sighed as he can't help but think of the money she's literally pouring down the drain. He's certain that this shower wouldn't be her last for the day. He knows she'll be taking one before going to bed. A habitual that he wasn't sure if he should be concerned.

But he couldn't ask her blatantly, even if he wanted to. Every angle of that question didn't sit right with him.

Why are you always in the bathroom?

What are you doing in there?

How many showers do you have to take?

If he did open his mouth, the night wouldn't end well. They'll both just end up in tears and further apart, even more than the now. He might even trigger another labour and this time, she might not be as lucky.

Two more step until he can feel for the armrest.

Just in case an emergency arises, he now had the steps and layout around the apartment memorised. He didn't want a repeat of last times' tragedy. With Erin's help, he now knew where everything was. From the remote, landline to the couch and kitchen. He didn't want to ask for her help anymore. He didn't want to be a burden on his pregnant girlfriend.

As his hand touched the cool leather skin, he slowly leaned in and plopped onto the couch, folding his cane and setting them next to him on the couch.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, he heard clinging of keys and the doorknob jiggling and loud footsteps before the door closed.

He turned around to the direction of the sounds, "Voight?"

Hank Voight smiled, a thin one, a regretful one.

Looking at the face of a confused kid, eyebrows knitted, wondering pupils, he felt ever so pitiful for his once young detective. He have had his whole career ahead of him and now it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Just like that, overnight, from a sharp-shooter to a blind man.

What he sees is no longer what he sees.

"Hey, Halstead." he said, giving him a tight squeeze on the shoulder as he sat down on the couch next to him. "How you doing?"

"I'm good, Sarge. You?"

He nodded.
"Good." he said, scratching his head at the sudden rise in heat in the living room. The slight awkwardness of being in a room with his daughter's boyfriend wasn't any he was used to even though it was just Jay Halstead. He was new at this since with Justin, it was different.

Camille would've loved him. She would've have approved of Jay the second she laid eyes on the redhead.

Who wouldn't?

He's a good man. He's polite, considerate, charming and he treats Erin right. That's all a father ever wants for his daughter. Not to mention, he's brave. He had risked his life for his country and for his girlfriend too, though it was foolish of him.

He cleared his throat, the sound of the shower running was the only evident noise.

"Classes, PT, doing good?"

"Yea. Getting better, I guess." he shrugged.

Never in a million years did he thought he would be learning to walk with a cane or even read Braille.

"So I thought you guys might want some food. It's Italian. I got Erin some soup."

He remembered how Camille couldn't keep anything but soup down when she was pregnant with Justin and thought maybe Erin was the same.

"Thanks."

"No problem. You sit. I'll grab us some beers." Voight said, patting Jay on the knee before getting up to the refrigerator where a six pack of Flywheel sat.

"So, Erin's in the bathroom?" Voight asked from the kitchen.

The door of the refrigerator close shut.

"She's taking a shower." he said shortly.

Two pops and hissing.

Heavy footsteps.

He's coming back.

"Here." Voight held out the beer bottle for Jay.

Calculating the depth and distance, Jay carefully reached out but was slightly off to the left, and was catching air instead. His cheeks turned crimson red at his failed attempt.

Jay

His obstinate refusal to obey his orders had landed him in this position today. If only he had listened and not play Superman, he surely wouldn't be impaired. Though he was very much annoyed since he had lost a valuable detective, he was very much grateful for Jay's love and determination for his daughter. If it wasn't for him, God knows if she would've made it out of that haunted house alive.

Voight placed the cool bottle in his grasp instead and Jay nodded in return. Glad that they didn't have to acknowledge his failed endeavour.

"So," Voight sighed as he sat on the other end of the couch, "How many showers have she taken so far?"

He knows what Voight was talking about. Of course he noticed the endless showers but he never brought it up, thinking it might embarrass or anger her. He's so scared of ticking her off.

Third shower so far, that he know of. Who knows how many she've taken when he wasn't around?

"What?" he replied, inscrutably.

"Ever since she came back..." he trailed off, they both knew what he had meant. It's been five months since Carlos, since the kidnapping and since the rape. To their dismay, though initially she was making progress with Dr. Thorne, now she's more or less the same. She's having nightmares again, still showering like crazy; she's back to square one.

The victim.

"I read on a...forum, victims would take showers because they feel dirty and no matter how many showers they take, they never feel clean. That's what she's feeling..."

Voight had spent the entire day researching about the aftermath and effects of rape and how family ought to help them. Every website, every forum, every blog, he had stumbled upon highlighted on the fact that they just want to 'block it out'. That's when he realised Erin couldn't just 'block it out'; she's having his baby. She's a constant reminder.

"All they want to do is...forget."

What she needs is a distraction, to keep her busy from her rampant thoughts, and impulses.

Being cooped up in the confines of four walls wasn't doing her much justice, especially to her psyche.

Jay exhaled shakily. His heart ached at the thought. It made sense to him now. Erin have been feeling so dirty and unclean, a common sentiment for rape victims, that she felt the impulse to scrub the imaginary filth away.

That was what she was doing in the bathroom. Now that he knows, he still doesn't know what he would do the next time she goes into the bathroom.

Should he stop her?

"I, I don't know what to do, Voight." he admitted, running his hands through his face.

Jay knew enough about what she had gone through in Colombia. He knows she was raped; that was what Will had told him. But other than the stated, she and he hadn't said a word about it. It was like an elephant in the room that was only getting bigger and bigger by the day.

"I mean, I've tried giving her space, to open up at her own pace but..." he sighed. He never thought it would be this difficult.

After Nadia had passed, Erin had promised him that she wouldn't go down that hole again, that she will lean on him for support and comfort but it's clear that that promise had long been broken.

Shaking his head, Jay closed his eyes. "I brought it up...once...and she...she completely shut down...It was really scary. She was somewhere else...I, I didn't know what to do so...I swore to never bring it up again. I couldn't see but I could hear her...she was crying, shaking and she couldn't breath...She was having a panic attack...I just held her...until she fall asleep...I don't know how she does it..."

The act.

Her firm determination of putting up a façade of pellucidity, astonished him. She has so much strength within her that it terrifies him. If only she had given in that much effort into not pretending and not insisting that everything was 'fine', she probably would've started to feel a sense of normalcy again.

After that one time, he learnt his lesson to never bring it up. Listening to her beg for Carlos to stop as she cried hysterically, not being able to do anything but hold her until her trembling seized, slowly doused his soul. A part of him died that night.

Above all oddness, the next morning, she pretended like nothing had ever happened. She won't be getting better by the day and he doesn't know if she ever will if she keeps on living this way.

Voight rubbed his forehead. He knows that behaviour all too familiar. She was the same when he took her in. Erin does what she knows best when life gets hard. She hides and crawls into a corner within. Most of the time, it's difficult to drag her out of there. But it's possible.

"That's how she deals."

She's suffering in silence and there's nothing anyone can do. She has to be the one who's willing to make a change. And the baby isn't making things any better for her.

Voight's gaze lifted from the scruffs on his shoes and up at Jay who was pinching the bridge of his nose and clenching his jaws.

"I'm gonna tell you something, Halstead." he sat the beer on the coffee table and leaned back onto the couch. "I trust you won't speak a word of it. If Erin knows...she'll never forgive me."

He nodded. Swearing to keep his word at the man who was his boss and the father of his girlfriend. He would never want to be the reason for their estrangement.

"Ok, so," he began, "When I first met Erin, I was undercover. She was out on the streets with Teddy. Umm, Charlie...remember Charlie?"

Jay nodded.

Erin's 'friend'.

The bastard who used both Erin and Teddy to his advantage.

"He was pimping them out on the streets in exchange for food and shelter." he sighed.

Hearing that hurt Jay. He didn't know that they had it that rough. They had their entire childhood taken away from them. While he was busy playing video games and complaining about homework and his lack of love life, they were struggling to hold onto life, to make ends meet.

"It was the day I arrested her for solicitation." Voight said, his eyes focused intently on Jay, "It was the day I promised to give her a chance at life."

8th January, 2001

First Grade Detective Hank Voight had been driving around Dearborn Street, a well known streetwalker pavilion, posing as a John. Adults, teens of all ranges, walk the streets in outfits that could barely even keep their extremities warm in the icy winters of Chicago.

Driving past parked cars where business was taking place, he cringed in disgust. The kid inside was barely legal. Of all the stings he had ever gotten himself into, this was by far the hardest.

Out of the corner of his eyes, a pair of bickering teenagers had caught his attention. They looked very much alike and he shrugged to conclude that they maybe twins. With her inches high chunky stiletto, she towered him, poking harshly with her bony finger at his equally frail chest that hang a loose fishnet-like shirt.

As he slowed down to the curb, it was then that he realised they were babies, barely even fifteen years of age. He was sure of it. His son had just turned fifteen.

"Hey." Voight rolled down his window, "Wanna ride?" he internally punched himself, feeling utterly disgusted at the words that had fell out of his mouth.

The young girl glared at him with her forest green eyes, her arms folded across her chest. Scanning him before turning towards the boy standing beside her.

She adjusted her ratty leather jacket and marched towards him. Her twig like legs shook with every step. "If you're looking for a date, you're looking in the wrong place, mister." she spat.
"I think I know what I'm looking for, young lady." he smirked. Again, having to internally punch himself. He knew he had to do this. It was for the greater good, to curb the uprising in child prostitution in Chicago.

She paused, studying him fiercely once more then nodded. He unhinged the safety locks and she willingly hopped to the backseat while the boy got into the passenger seat.

"I bet this will be a breeze, Teddy. This geezer won't last long." she laughed.

Voight looked at her from the mirror. Her sunken cheeks, raccoon painted eyelids, she was dressed in a red pleather tube that had a gaudy yellow plastic zipper on the front. A clothing that barely hid her behind. A clothing that no child should be wearing. A clothing that shouldn't even be considered clothes.

He felt sorry for her. She had to grow up way too fast. The pain and suffer they had carried on their shoulders were evident in their eyes. Burden filled. The sight, though a difficult one, lies a beautiful young girl with so much potential but she was so lost and broken.

Where were their parents?

"Hey. Hey. Eyes over here, mister. My sister's off limits." the boy warned, snapping his fingers in front of his face to snap him out of this thoughts.
"I'm at your service."

"Ok, creep." she rolled her eyes, "He'll go down on you for thirty. Sixty for the backdoor. Eighty for the whole package. Pick your pick. And we need half cash upfront before you guys...you know..."

Voight watched as the young girl held her hand out for the money. With her tough exterior, she would've made one hell of a cop.

The boy, Teddy, glanced at him and arched his brows, "You heard the lady."

Voight nodded and reached across for the glove compartment in search for his wallet while Teddy tried to fill him up. Voight pulled his hand away from him.

Just that quickly, chaos invoked in the black sedan. "He's a cop! Run, Erin!"

Wide eyed, Voight had no clue how he had figured him out. But was certain to not let months of late nights go in vain.

Tightly grabbing onto the frail boy's shoulders, Voight kept him in place as he unsuccessfully tried to squirmed away. Keeping him from running off.

The young girl had already gotten the door halfway open when she saw her brother fighting his way out of the cop's grasp.
"Get your filthy hands off my brother you perve!" she screamed, sinking her teeth into the flesh of his right forearm. For a scrawny kid, she sure has quite the strength.

Voight grunted and let go. Giving Teddy the time to yank the handle and dash out the car. "Erin! Let's go!" he shouted.

Erin spun around and practically dive out of the vehicle with Teddy well over a foot ahead of her. The uneven pavement caught her off guard and she went sprawling. Landing face first onto the hard concrete curb.

"Teddy!"

He turned around, stopping for a split a second, running his hands over his hair. Wanting nothing more than to help his distressed sister but the cops were coming any second now.

Red and blue lights, police sirens began to swarm the street, walkers and their Johns fleeing the scene. And Hank Voight watched as Teddy shook his head, his face filled with regret as he turned back around. Not only evading from the cops but leaving his sister all alone as well.

"Teddy! Don't leave me! Please!"

Voight grabbed her by the shoulders, hauling her to her feet. As he was about to ask if she was alright, she kneed him in between, trying to run off. But that kick wasn't enough to loosen his grip on her.

"Let me go! Teddy! Don't leave me!"

She shoved him away, attempting to run but Voight was quicker and he wrapped his arms tightly around her, trapping her body against his chest. She fought him, desperately. Her twig like arms and legs flailing in the air, squirming in his hold.

"Teddy!"

He reached out for his handcuffs with one hand, still pinning her arms firmly with the other against the car. "Please, Officer, let me go. Please. I won't do it again. Please. I need to find my brother." she pleaded.

Words and tears won't get her out of this situation. He knows she will be back, working the streets if he doesn't bring her in. They always do. All he wanted was to help get her life back on track.

It was in that moment that he saw the real person for who she really is. No longer was she the tough, smart mouth teen that used words to mask her insecurities.

She was weak.

He felt awful for having to handcuff her but it was for her own good. She was going to start a new life.

"Erin, you're under arrest for solicitation."

.

"...And that was when Teddy disappeared." he shook his head, feeling sorry he couldn't have saved that frail boy. "I managed to convince the DA to the drop the charges. She was just fourteen. I tried to offer her help but she wouldn't listen and went back to Charlie. She was back on the streets the next day. That's when..." Voight slowly said, rubbing the scar on his forearm that was left by Erin's teeth.

Jay swallowed hard, sinking in all the harsh and brutal information the story held. At just fourteen, Erin had gone through obstacles one may never face in their entire life.

Silence.

The shower had finally stopped.

"What?"

Voight shook his head, "It's not my story to tell." He've spoken way too much already anyway.

Jay didn't say anything. She was just a child. He imagined the young fragile girl that Erin once was. So frail. So lost. So broken. He can clearly see it in his head. And was sure it's the same frightened girl Voight sees now.

"What I'm saying is," he sighed, "She's not as tough as she plays out to be. She's afraid of getting hurt, of being alone, she plays safe by pretending. Kid's been abandoned her entire life."

Erin have been hurt so many times by so many people that she feels the need to put up front, to ignore reality. She felt the need to beat emotions to the punch. So when she does get hurt, the pain wouldn't be as bad.

Who could blame her?

She's deathly afraid that everyone will abandon her if she does exhibit any indication of weakness. Her entire life was unstructured and filled with inconsistencies. Those she loved dearly left. Her entire family had left her all alone.

Even though life is filled with uncertainties, life proved him that numerous time, Jay knew he will never leave her. She's the love of his life. Everything that he've ever dreamed of. He can't leave her. He just can't. It's immoral.

He will be right by her side.