Content warning for sexual situations and disturbing scenes.
I'd like to take a moment to thank my regular readers and reviewers. You make every word worth it, and I never expected even five reviews. I'd also like to thank the people who have in the past, and will in the future, pick out my mistakes, Avril, Willow, and Cortina. Thanks, ladies.
"Alright, people, listen up."
Shepard stood at the head of the briefing table, her entire team (excluding Miranda) gathered before her as they had for the suicide mission. Illium was only hours away and it was time for the most important mission of her life to begin.
"What I'm about to tell you is personal and in no way obligates you to help me. You want off when we get to Illium? Fine. We shake hands and you walk away, back to your old lives. But I need your discretion," Shepard said, gazing around the room at faces that ranged from bored, to curious, to inexpressive.
"Shepard, what the hell is going on with you lately?" said Jack. "I thought you were gonna go back to being a girl scout with Lover Boy. Now you got us cruising all over the galaxy. You finally wanna take me up on that offer of becoming an awesome space pirate, bitches?" Jack laughed and crossed her arms, her dark eyes dancing with rare amusement.
"Ah, no, Jack. Gonna pass on that one."
"Please, just tell us," Samara cut in smoothly. "We will not betray your trust."
Shepard took a deep breath. "OK. So you all know I was a corpse for a while there. My ship blew and I got spaced and that's how Cerberus got a hold of me."
There were nods all around the room. Zaeed lit his cigar looking bored to death. Legion's flashlight head tilted curiously at her, perhaps picking up on her distress.
"So, um, when I died, I was…pregnant." Shepard glanced away, a strange feeling washing over her. These were intimate details, not meant for anyone to know. That time was private. Intai'sei was private. What was between her and Kaidan was private and now all of them knew. It felt like the most precious time in her life had been sullied and made somehow sordid.
"I found out recently that Cerberus saved my son, too, and the Illusive Man is holding him as blackmail material. His name is Miles, and my mission is to save him."
There was a ringing silence and then -
"Holy. Fucking. Shit. Princess." Zaeed gaped at her. "You don't do things half-cocked, do ya?"
Shepard rolled her eyes. "No. No, I don't."
"Does your ship always run like a space opera, or are you just having a good year? Heh. Guess I owe your Soldier Boy a cigar."
Shepard ignored him.
"The plan is to go to Illium and gather information about Project Changeling, which is my son's project codename. Then we're gonna stomp their damn door down and get him back. But the Illusive Man is being fooled to think he has control of me, so this needs to be quick, quiet, and it needs your utmost discretion."
Jacob's face had paled. "I swear I didn't know, Commander. I never, ever would have let them go ahead with it if I had known. They didn't let me in the room for the latter stages. I wouldn't have let Miranda continue. That's just not right, using kids."
Shepard nodded, satisfied with the dawning horror on his face, that he knew nothing about it.
Samara stepped forward. "What has been done to you was a grave injustice. One I will do all in my power to correct. I am with you, Shepard. I shall reunite you with your child. I do not wish the regrets I am burdened with onto you."
"Same here," Kasumi agreed, her face shocked but eager. "We'll get your boy, Shep. Never stole back a baby before but there's a first time for everything." She winked at Shepard and she smiled back.
"This unit is ready to assist you, Shepard-Commander." Legion nodded at her. "Our runtimes have reached consensus. We will recover your progeny. Shepard-Infant-Miles will be extracted. Addendum: You should be aware genetic immortality is imperfect and unattainable. You should download your consciousness into geth if you wish to live forever. Breeding is unnecessary. We do not understand the attachment to small, fragile organics. They are not perfect copies. They are also…unsanitary."
"Agree with the geth. Messy. Loud. But human compulsion. Salarians don't accidentally conceive. Not hormonally driven. Ah! Still, will be interesting to have infant human to observe. Can take notes."
"Mordin," she said with a warning note in her voice. "No science experiments, alright?"
Mordin inhaled deeply. "Of course not! Perfectly harmless. Will show him my seashell collection."
Shepard knew it was a bad idea to tell them the news all at once. It was like a fucking circus. Grunt's face had fallen in abject misery.
"A kid? No. Where's the killing? Can I eat him? Will you still make me pancakes? I don't want you to make pancakes for him. He can't sleep in my room."
Shepard leant over and smacked Grunt over the back of his head. "You're not eating Miles, Grunt! You remember you learnt this on Tuchanka? He's my clan and kin, so he's your clan now, too. Yes, of course, I'll still make you pancakes, and no, he's too young to eat yours so stop being such a pyjak. No, he will sleep in my cabin, don't be stupid. And you can totally kill all the Cerberus soldiers you like."
Grunt's eyes cut happily to Jacob and his jaw widened.
"No, Grunt," Shepard growled. "I don't mean Jacob."
She ran a floating circus, she decided. She ran a circus of uncontrollable psychopaths, thieves, liars and murderers and she loved every single one of them in their own weird way. Even Grunt who wanted to eat her baby. She hoped desperately he was just kidding. He seemed to be picking up some weird sense of humor from Joker and EDI lately.
"Arashu protect you and your family, Siha. You are a great protector. Miles' rescue is not beyond you. You have me as your right hand." Thane smiled at her and then, to her horror, his face blanked.
"Brown eyes. Warm gaze. We sit, drinking coffee. His drink has too much sugar. His eyes are pinched. He says he has a headache. He watches the woman across the room. He smiles. He doesn't look so tired. There is grey in his hair, glinting in the harsh light. She laughs and he grins too, hearts beating in symbiosis. I think of Kolyat and Irikah. Sunset eyes defiant in the scope have snared another victim. Young love. He tries to catch her, but she slips through his fingers like water. I tell him she reminds me of my wife. He tells me she is special to him. I hope they have a happier ending, but I know better."
Thane's eyes returned to normal, but Shepard's face burned and every single pair of eyes in the room were either on Shepard or Thane. An involuntary memory-flashback; a conversation between Thane and Kaidan when he'd been on board, watching Shepard.
If it weren't for the new mission she clung to, focused on, used to blot out everyone in the room, Shepard could have sunken to the floor and disappeared forever.
Zaeed burst into loud, ugly guffaws. "Oh, Princess. Your life is such a mess. You poor bitch. Heh. Best decision of my life accepting this job. I'll have stories for years."
"Yeah, so, Thane. Great job," Joker said over the comm. "Talk about making things awkward. Embarrassment is an art and you're a master, huh?"
"Is Kaidan coming back?" Grunt asked. "If he came back, maybe I could let him sleep in my room." The hint of hope in his voice made Shepard scowl. She'd never, ever understand why Grunt inexplicably liked Kaidan so much.
"My apologies, Siha."
She mumbled, "It's fine," and Garrus started dispersing the gathering.
The rest of the team made similar noises of assent as they all moved off to collect armor and weapons. Shepard couldn't help being surprised. Despite his amusement, even Zaeed seemed eager to help out.
"You command a lot of loyalty, Shepard." Garrus came up beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder, towering over her. "Don't be so surprised we're one-hundred percent behind you. You helped all of us with something. It's our turn to be there for you."
He left and, as he did so, Shepard noticed Jack hovering in the doorway. She looked young, but as Shepard met her eyes, she saw a fire burning there.
"I will fuck those sons of bitches up, Shepard," Jack promised. She suddenly looked her age for once, lines of fear in her face. "H-have they, you know, done things to him? Like they did with me?"
Shepard swallowed. God, she hoped not. If they tortured him…cut him. Shepard didn't know what she would do, but she knew she would burn Cerberus to the ground and never rest until the Illusive Man was dead. "They, uh, threatened to. I-I don't know what they've done. He's a biotic. They mentioned refining techniques they used on you, on him."
Jack's face blazed and, to Shepard's shock, reached forward - pulling her into a crushing hug.
"Not on my fucking watch. I told you not to trust Cerberus! No other kid is going through what I went through. I fucking swear it. I'll rip them apart."
Shepard gingerly wrapped her arms around Jack. She could feel her slight body trembling. "I know you will, Jack. I'm lucky to have you with me. We'll wreck their shit."
"Alright, now let's stop being a bunch of pussies and go get your little love child back. You stupid bitch, you ever heard of protection? It's this wonderful new thing that came out hundreds of years ago and people use all the fucking time."
Shepard rolled her eyes, mildly sick of the third degree from everyone over her love life. "Yeah, well. I broke my arm. Turns out the pill doesn't absorb so well sometimes. You'll have to thank Sovereign for that."
Jack huffed, eyes mischievous. "Figures you would relate every-fucking-thing in your life back to the Reapers. Do you ever just take a break from 'Blah, blah. Reapers that, Reapers this'?"
Shepard narrowed her gaze, her mouth set firm.
Jack seemed to be enjoying teasing her. "No, you really don't, do you? I would say go get laid and drink some booze, but in your case that seems like a bad plan. So who knocked you up? Gonna bust his balls?"
Shepard looked away. "I think you already know who."
Jack laughed. "Well, it sure as hell wasn't Garrus." She slanted Shepard a sideways look, her grin positively feral. "Still, that asshole Kaidan has more balls than I gave him credit for. Not such a limp dick after all."
With that Jack spun and stomped out of the room, leaving Shepard gaping after her. She shook her head, a small smile on her lips and followed her out.
Kasumi put the finishing touches on her disguise by pulling a soft black hood over her head, covering her tightly braided hair.
"There! Finished!" Kasumi crowed. "You look devilishly sneaky, Shep. I like it. You look like a slightly less awesome version of me."
Shepard stretched to feel the flexible light armor mold around her body, wondering if this was how Kasumi felt all the time. She didn't deny it felt good to be out of her heavier armor and into such a comfortable outfit.
"I feel like I'm naked," Shepard said flatly, eyeing herself in the mirror and at how the light material clung to her every curve. She wasn't used to dressing in clothes so form fitting, but was grateful that Kasumi's outfit had actually fit her.
"Wow, why did no one say, 'Geez, Shepard. Your ass and hips are huge, you given birth recently?'" she scoffed to her reflection, throwing Kasumi a mock dirty look.
Kasumi shrugged. "Are you kidding? I don't have a death wish. Besides, I always thought you looked a bit too stressed and definitely not like a new mom. There was no glow, only rage and, you know, dead mercs. You had a bad time and looked like a skeleton for a while there. You replaced all the baby fat with muscle once you got a bit better. I'm not surprised you didn't notice."
"I guess waking up to a disappeared life hit me harder than I thought. Kaidan..." Shepard paused, searching for words as she picked up her old clothes from Kasumi's couch, folding them to stow in her cabin later.
She fussed over a button and avoided Kasumi's eyes. "When Kaidan came back aboard he said that I hadn't been eating properly, and that my biotics had burned off too much of my energy. He said the same thing had happened to him after Brain Camp - he had neglected things because he'd been depressed. He started making me snacks, the cereal like we both love and I started to feel better. He made me slow down a little, and I started healing. He always brought me hot chocolate and coffee. And never forgot to put too much sugar in."
There was silence. Shepard couldn't help wondering if when Kaidan had touched her naked body, he had felt the changes and just didn't say anything. If he assumed they were caused by Lazarus.
What a kick in the teeth, she thought. She had felt self-conscious being naked around him for a while, knowing things had been…different from their time together on the SR-1. He had to reassure her that she was still her; that it was fine to have sex with the lights on; that there was no shame because, to him, she was beautiful and even though her freckles were different, her body was still the one he loved. She'd never realized half the differences weren't caused by Miranda, but by him.
"That was good of him," Kasumi hummed after a while, looking at her kindly.
"I guess it was. He's always been like that, caring and sweet, you know? He seemed to understand what I needed from him. " Shepard smiled ruefully, thinking of their fights over Cerberus. "He's like the opposite of me," she laughed. "I'm a bitch. I don't know how he ever put up with me."
"Because you're not a bitch, and you're just as kind and caring as he is," Kasumi said with uncharacteristic steel in her voice. "Don't do that, Shep. Don't pretend to be something you're not. You always do. But everyone on this ship knows just who you really are, and we'd follow that person into hell."
Shepard turned away to face the bathroom mirror. "Sorry. Old habit."
She blinked and her eyes stung as Kasumi inserted brown contacts, grabbed her makeup bag and started applying powder to Shepard's face. She had theorized that anything that made Shepard look different from her pictures and vids plastered all over the galaxy was a good thing.
Commander Shepard wore N7 armor after all. Everyone knew her coloring. But with her eyes and hair hidden, her face was plain and mousey. She could blend in with a million other mercs or normal women who were just getting by on Illium.
"You miss him."
"Yeah."
"Is it worse now? I mean, now that you know about Miles? Is it weird, like do you feel a connection to him?" Kasumi asked, looking at her curiously. She finished applying the last of the makeup. "Keiji and I never spoke about kids. Always thought we would have time in the future. Sometimes… I wonder if it would have been easier to deal with losing him, if I had something other than the greybox to remember him by."
Shepard picked up her pistol from Kasumi's desk and experimentally holstered it. She pulled it out, testing how quick she could draw it in different armor.
"I've never felt more distant from him, even when we were just CO and subordinate," she said, examining the gun. She was still fast on the draw. She breathed deeply, trying to prepare herself for Illium. "I'm afraid to tell him. I've started drafting it in my head a million times, but when I get to the parts about Miles, I start thinking about how I don't have him with me, and the conversation stalls. The words get stuck in my throat. A baby. A six month old. Most guys can barely handle the part where the girlfriend reveals the pregnancy, let alone a baby all ready to go."
"Not all guys," Kasumi chided. "You say Kaidan 'got you', right? I'm sure he'll be happy. He clearly cares about you a great deal."
"That doesn't translate into caring about a kid instantly, either. And my fucking god, everything is so messed up. I still have to deal with the arrest. He's a Spectre now."
"So? Just means you're twice as kickass. How many kids have two Spectres for parents? Coolest kid in school."
Shepard didn't smile and Kasumi's face fell.
"I saw the news. He looked…"
"It looked bad. I gave Cerberus the benefit of the doubt and, somehow, I think his patience has run out. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for what I asked of him." Shepard crossed her arms, shifting uncomfortably. "That's fair. I'll never forgive myself. While I stood in my cabin and asked Kaidan to join Cerberus, the Illusive Man had our baby and was playing me like a fiddle. I wouldn't listen to him. I thought I knew best. How could Kaidan forgive that?"
Kasumi didn't answer and Shepard knew that she would have to figure out the solution for herself.
She crossed to the door, ready to check on the crew and depart for Illium.
Shepard opened the door to Liara's office, ignoring the closed sign. She must have been doing some private work.
A blue wave rushed towards Shepard and her eyes widened.
Quickly, she threw her hands wide, as if constructing an invisible wall, and the blue wave dissipated against her own hastily constructed barrier. There was a reverberating gong-like sound as the biotics collided, and she was forced back a step.
"Liara!" she yelled. "It's me. Shepard."
"Shepard!" Liara gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were… I thought you were someone else."
Shepard gaped. "Just who the hell were you expecting to shoot first and ask questions later?"
Liara relaxed her stance. "I have made many enemies lately. My office is closed. I didn't see the Normandy dock. You look…different. My sincere apologies. I thought you were an assassin. I can't be too careful after Nyxeris."
"An assassin that walks through the front door?"
Liara shrugged. "Nyxeris did. You don't look like yourself. What happened to your eyes?"
Shepard looked down, eyeing her black, thief-like outfit. "Oh yeah. Forgot I was dressed like this. It's contacts and I'm wearing Kasumi's light armor. The Normandy isn't here. She's in stealth mode, in orbit, and I took a shuttle down. I need discretion, hence the disguise and lack of warship."
Liara smiled tentatively. "It's good to see you again."
"You too, Liara." Shepard crossed Liara's office and stood by the guest seat but didn't sit. There was an awkward silence, and Liara fiddled with an ornament on her desk, looking away from her eyes.
"I confess," Liara started, finally breaking the silence. "I was worried you were still angry with me over the roll I played in delivering you to Cerberus. I wanted to apologize again, but you were so angry. I was afraid I would just make things worse by contacting you."
Shepard shook her head, stepping closer to her. "Liara, I wasn't angry because you saved me. I have my life back because of you. I have…" she broke off, realizing that it was thanks to Liara that Miles had his life, but it was also thanks to her that he was in Cerberus' clutches. "I have a lot of things now. I was angry because of the secrecy. Because you didn't feel it was necessary to inform Kaidan, who had a right to know. The lies have almost destroyed us. I felt so trapped by Cerberus, and maybe I did take it out on you. I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to sound so ungrateful. But I had a right to be angry. You crossed a line."
"I'm sorry for everything I got you mixed up in." Liara's blue eyes shined with tears. "But I thought I was doing all I could to save you. I-I couldn't lose you." One small tear spilled down her cheek and Shepard wanted to hug her, but sensed Liara had to say what she wanted to say. "I couldn't understand how you could be so bright, whole and alive one day, and just snuffed out the next. Asari are used to watching those they love eventually die. But I could not accept you dying so young. There was no warning. No time to prepare my heart. I'm sorry." Liara shrugged and picked up the ornament on the desk again, fiddling with it for a distraction. "Maybe it was a sign of my immaturity. Maybe it was a sign that I cared too much for you."
Shepard swallowed and looked away. She never realized how deep Liara's feelings for her ran. The lengths that she would go to…
For a moment she was shamefully glad that she would go so far. It made Liara more likely to help her with Miles.
"I couldn't grieve like Kaidan did," Liara said, and Shepard suddenly understood that maybe Kaidan's way of dealing with things had alienated him from the rest of the crew.
He was often repressed and stoic, pulling away when things got too close. Shepard understood that and let him have his space. She knew when to press for more closeness, which he would often give her, but that was born from long hours of talking and getting to know him. A deep love. He liked to present himself as always in control, as professional, and the general crew never saw past that. When she saw him on the vid screen in her cabin, Garrus had said he looked dangerous and all business, but she could see the conflict on his face.
He felt things too deeply. He didn't want to be wounded so badly he couldn't recover. She understood that better than most. They had dark pasts and their own ghosts to bury.
In the end, it was Shepard that had given him his deepest wound.
"He shut me down. Like it was all just the life of a soldier to him. Like you were nothing more than a comrade and we should all move on," Liara said, and there was a cold bitterness in her voice. "He wouldn't speak to me about you. He'd barely speak to anyone. Anderson tried, I think, but…eventually I couldn't stand it. I didn't have room to deal with his grief on top of my own. I was selfish. In hindsight I see that was just his way, and he probably fell apart when no one was around to see it. I'm so sorry."
"It's alright, Liara," Shepard said, and placed a hand on her arm. "It's in the past. We need to focus on the future. The future you gave me."
Liara nodded.
"Is this place clean of bugs?" Shepard asked.
"Of course, Shepard. I have acquired many skills since you last knew me. I'm not that frightened girl you found on Therum."
"Don't say anything," Shepard said, urgency making its way into her voice. "Just listen, alright? I need information on a Cerberus project. It's important. Can you get information on Cerberus?"
"It depends on the nature of the information. How deeply protected it is. There are grades of secrecy. What are you hunting? I have heard many rumors of late. What is going on with you and Cerberus? You know you're on the Alliance wanted list, right? Is it some mistake?"
"No mistake, I'm in pretty deep and I'm here to tell you why. I'm hunting someone very important." A sudden idea occurred to Shepard and she blurted, "Mind meld with me. Do that bonding or whatever thing."
Liara blanched in shock, and her mouth popped open. "What?"
"Please, Liara. Do it. And look into the time where I was in a coma. Tell me what you see. There should be memories there, right?" she asked, her mind racing. "Even if I was drugged?"
"Yes." Liara frowned heavily, her thin eyebrow-like face markings drawing together. "Asari can view your memories even if you don't understand them or recall them fully. Our physiology helps make sense of them, similar to how I helped you with the Cipher. But Shepard, you hated doing that. You said it made you uncomfortable. Are you sure?"
"Positive," Shepard enthused, knowing that an asari mind meld was a chance for her to be closer to Miles, to the time he grew inside her, and also a way for Liara to understand. Morinth had been able to tell she'd had a child with Kaidan. There had to be some kind of memory there to read. Some marks left behind. Maybe there could be information on Cerberus buried in her memories. "I trust you, Liara. I want you to see what I can't. It'll explain everything. Why I so desperately need your help."
Liara nodded reluctantly, a confused look on her delicate face.
"Relax," she said.
Shepard watched Liara's face as she bowed her head. It reminded her of Morinth's forceful mind control and she involuntarily shuddered.
"I will not harm you, Shepard," Liara soothed, noticing her distress. "I will be gentle."
She opened her eyes and they were as black as the void. Shepard shut her eyes, and let her into her mind.
Liara gasped. As thoughts and feelings and memories rushed through her, Shepard knew that it had all gone wrong.
Pain. Pain. AGONY.
It ate her alive. It tore her heart out. It ripped off her legs - she was sure she'd lost a leg. Where had it gone? There used to be two. Pain was bursting her stomach open. Tubes were down her throat. Needles shoved into her veins. There were hands inside her. The lights were bright on her ruined eyes. Her skin peeled off, like one would flay an onion, revealing muscles and tendons and nerve endings.
"Shepard… please," Kaidan begged, his lips on her neck, their skin sweaty. His face was the picture of pleasurable pain.
"You made me beg last time," she whispered back with a hitched breath. "My turn now. Not yet, LT."
She gripped his hips, holding him still and he hissed. She pressed her lips to his, bruising, hard and they opened beneath her, his tongue claiming her mouth.
The drugs weren't strong enough. They should have left her dead.
SHE WANTED TO DIE.
LET ME DIE.
LET ME DIE.
LET ME GO.
LET.
GO.
She was half mad. She knew her brain was damaged. A woman was screeching and screaming so hard blood pooled in her mouth. Her teeth fell out and down her throat. She was flopping on the med slab as the black-haired woman held her down and her fragile bones crunched on the metal, shattered. She threw herself onto the slab again and again, knowing instinctively that if she bashed her head into it hard enough, that this life of pain would loosen its grip. She could return to nothing. Nothing below her waist would move.
Kaidan kissed the hollow of her belly button and she laughed to the empty room. It tickled, she felt young and carefree and happy. He looked up at her, a sly smirk on his face.
"No laughing. LT's orders."
"LTs don't give Commanders orders," she pouted back.
"This LT does," he rasped, and continued his trail down.
Shepard's smile slipped off her face, when he kissed somewhere that was definitely not her belly button.
"Kaidan… " she sighed.
He raised his head, lips wet, eyes dark. "You're perfect, Shepard."
The metal pins hadn't set properly yet. Her arm was a mess. When she broke her restraints she clawed at her face, at her belly, at her throat, red marks so deep the woman in the white uniform had to perform more skin grafts.
The drugs weren't quick enough or she'd been under-dosed. Wilson tried to kill her.
The pain.
IT WAS RED.
"KAIDAN!" someone screamed. A monster, a zombie. The abomination gurgled; blood in its throat, skin raw and red.
"KAIDAN! KAI-DAAAN," the syllables seem to go on for an age, petering out into one long wail.
"Someone shut her up! She shouldn't be able to speak. What the hell is she saying? Half the damage to her brain hasn't been repaired. Sounds like there's some major damage to the amygdala still. Recent scans, Miranda?"
"Lots of black spots. I shall work on some neural therapy over the next few days. I'm going to start some more tissue repair and debriding. Myelin production is still low, likely why she's completely out of it. Up the drugs or we'll have to paralyze her whole body temporarily to save her suffering."
"'Suffering'? 'Up the drugs'? She practically bleeds morphine instead of blood. She's going to wake up an addict. She's insane. It's unsettling. I don't like this, Miranda. It feels wrong."
"Shut up, Wilson. Everything will be fine with the next neuroregeneration procedure. Soon she'll have almost complete body integrity back and we'll work on her brain damage. In the next few weeks it should be safe enough to resume the pregnancy with a lower risk of miscarriage. I think though, that the brain should be more functional. We don't know if her body will abort the fetus if it's too distressed. I would say it's likely. I want the Illusive Man to delay for at least two more months. Just until I'm satisfied with her progress."
The monster of pain knew nothing except for his name.
Nothing except for hot oil searing on her skin, a crowbar crunching into her cheek, a dislocated jaw. Acid on her skin. She was the acid. She was on fire. She was the fire.
She lay down and stared into the darkness and the darkness stared back.
Oh god, please make it stop please please please please pleasepleasepleaseplease
She knew nothing except for burning and the utter misery of the existence she led.
She was an animal.
She wanted to die.
She wanted to be let gone.
Let go, let go, let me go, stop.
"We should stop, Shepard. We've only been back a day. We said we were gonna stop."
She pulled down the zipper on his pants. "Tell me to stop, then. I know I should. But I don't wanna."
He gulped for air. Her breath was warm on his length, and he was already hard for her.
"Don't stop," he rasped, and Shepard took him in her mouth.
They'd have to be quick. She'd shoved him into her cabin, ostensibly to do some inventory. She hadn't been able to watch him for another moment and just pretend she didn't want to see him naked again. That she didn't miss his touch. That she didn't love him.
Intai'sei was only a day left behind, but she already missed those best weeks of her life.
When he left and she went to the bathroom, there were tiny spots of blood in her underwear. She didn't understand why, and just dismissed it as a light period. It stopped the next day and didn't come back. She didn't notice. She was in a conference call with the Council for four hours, trying to make them see the truth about the Reapers.
The woman in white held her arms down and stuck something in her mouth to silence her mad screams. Drugs flowed through her veins. Consciousness fled. The monster rested again.
Eternities of emptiness later, there was a bright light. Her eyes weren't so ruined when she opened them, her skin not so raw. She was restrained by metal bars instead of leather straps. A heartbeat skipped on the monitors, and there was a quicker beat beside it.
Her stomach was tight and taut. There was a gentle swell.
The woman in white was there again. "Go to sleep, Shepard. You shouldn't be awake."
"I miss you," Shepard whispered, and his palm came up to cup her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into it. "I don't know how to sleep anymore without you."
They were at her cabin door, speaking in hushed tones. She was barely dressed, rumpled after hours of trying to sleep alone. He'd shown up at her door, the same exhaustion in his eyes.
"Shepard… I-" He broke off. She could smell his aftershave. He had dark stubble on his jaw. He shouldn't be there with her.
Conduct unbecoming of an officer and a gentleman.
They had sex in the showers the day before. It was on impulse and stupid. Joker had almost caught them, when the door wasn't locked and he had burst in. Kaidan had had to lift her above the bottom gap of the stall's door so Joker couldn't see her feet as he climbed into the shower. Kaidan had carried on a full conversation with him, from the next shower over, while still buried inside her.
Shepard had to shove a hand in her mouth to remain silent when he began moving again, unable to wait for Joker to finish his shower. She had never been more impressed when Kaidan's voice had only shown a little bit of breathlessness.
Joker hadn't suspected anything, and it was the most dangerous and best sex of her life.
She was burning down her career, one kiss at a time.
The night at her cabin door, she added another log to the flames.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't ask."
"But you do ask," he replied. "And I only ever want to give you what you want. I hate seeing you unhappy. I hate sleeping in that small pod without you. I miss seeing you in the mornings, and holding you at night. I think of you all the time. You're meant to be beside me. But it's wrong. We keep doing this and I never think about how wrong it is when I'm with you. You feel right."
"What should we do?"
"Let me bunk with you tonight, Shepard. Just until you fall asleep. And then I'll go."
She let him in. He didn't go. And his sleeper pod wasn't used much again.
She wasn't such a monster now, but her brain didn't want to function. Words no longer made sense. She couldn't formulate meaning in her mind. She didn't understand what the woman said.
There was something deeply and fundamentally wrong with her brain function. She tried to swallow, but a machine beeped and her throat made no movement.
"It's alright. I'm taking care of you and Tommy. You're safe with me. I'm fixing you."
The woman with the piercing blue eyes touched the monster's arm and put the liquid back into her veins that let her escape into the void.
"Oh please," Shepard sobbed. She was almost there. Oh god. She never wanted to stop feeling like this.
"Say it to me." He was quiet, but demanding. Gentle, but with the right amount of pressure. Shepard was helpless. His thumb was on her, above where he entered her. He paused in his strokes, to kiss her lips, but she was too far gone to do anything but kiss him back sloppily. She was bathed in sweat. Every nerve ending sung. It was two a.m. She should be sleeping.
"Please."
"Say it and I'll let you go, Shepard."
"I love you." His thumb stroked again, and she lost it. Her heart stuttered. Her back arched. She drove against him, wanting something so deeply. Her peak encouraged his and she felt him shudder inside her, thrusting deep one last time and becoming still. He kissed her breasts, her face, her eyes.
"I love you," she said again. "Fuck, I love you."
"I love you too," he kissed her wet hair. "So much it hurts."
The void welcomed Shepard.
The last time she awoke was to a gushing down her legs. When she opened her eyes, she could see properly, details and faces beside color.
"Kaidan…" a small broken voice said. It was weak. It was soulless. She didn't know anything. She didn't know why there was some kind of water soaking her thighs, why she couldn't move, where she was.
She needed help. She needed escape. She needed him.
Her head lolled to the side, and tears slipped from the corner of her eyes into her hair. She stared sightlessly as something gripped her stomach like a vise.
"Kaidan…" she said one last time, and then said nothing at all. She was dead behind her eyes again.
The woman in white panicked. "It's not full-term. He's not ready. Goddamn it, Wilson! How the fuck could you be so bloody stupid? If he dies, so will you," she snarled.
"Jesus fucking Christ, relax," Wilson responded. "He's just an experiment anyway. I made an overdose by mistake. The chart gave me the wrong drug measurement. The Illusive Man won't care. We'll still have a corpse to study."
"We don't want a fucking corpse! We want Tommy breathing and healthy. Help me save him."
"His name is Changeling. Calm down."
There was a new type of pain in Shepard now. A type of pain that was creation rather than destruction. Contractions rippled through her back and belly.
More drugs fed into her arms.
Time stretched. Hours counted in breaths and drifts from the void into a world of blood, sweat and tears.
Eventually, a baby started crying as he was ripped away from her. Death fed new life.
She didn't like the noise it made.
"Hey, baby," Miranda crooned. "Hello, sweetheart. I got you. You're OK. You're a tough little guy. Listen to those big boy lungs. Come here, Tommy. We'll get you some milk. I have a little bottle for you."
The monster on the table felt the cries trigger something in her. Her chest was wet and painful.
"Ugh, she's a mess," Wilson spat. "You still think this was the right thing to do?"
"Give her the I.V. It should start to dry her out. She'll be fine in a few weeks when hormone production slows down. She doesn't know she had a baby. Her body will forget. It's fine, Wilson. We're doing her a favor."
The woman in white hovered above her with a blue bundle in her arms, and then moved off with orders to the man to clean Shepard up.
The monster was left bereft and empty, drugs her salvation and entry into oblivion.
There was a tiny pinprick of light, surrounded by the dark.
Illium burst back into her vision.
Liara stumbled away from Shepard and fell onto the ground, panting with tears streaming down her face.
Shepard fell flat on the floor, overwhelmed. Her chin smacked into the carpet and she bit her tongue. She could feel wetness on her cheeks. Her cheek lay on the carpet and her hands fisted in it, trying to gather herself to no avail.
It was too much. She saw everything. She saw too much. She knew too much. Moments she had forgotten.
Everything had moved too fast, exploding across her neurons like starfire. She could feel Kaidan's hands on her. She could feel what death was like. She could feel Miles.
Liara clutched her chest, breathing raggedly. "By the goddess! That- That wasn't supposed to happen. I saw everything. Your mind had fragmented memories, confused by trauma, your death and drugs. I could barely find the threads. So many drugs. It was a wonder they didn't kill you sending you into such deep comas. Goddess, help me…"
Shepard saw that Liara could barely gather herself; her arm crossed tightly over her breasts, and realized with the utmost embarrassment that she had probably seen those private moments with Kaidan.
It was confirmed by the way a blush stole over Liara's face and she avoided Shepard's eyes. Her pupils were blown wide, almost covering the blue.
Shepard wanted to curl up into a ball and never look at her again. Liara was probably still a virgin. Shepard felt vaguely dirty despite having a normal sex life, aside from the reg breaking. Maybe she didn't even like human men, let alone want to know what it felt like to be with Kaidan. He had been Liara's friend. Poor Liara, she hadn't meant for her to see that.
Shepard groaned into the carpet. Mind melding was such a bad idea.
"The pain was indescribable, I had no idea." Liara put a hand to her forehead and exclaimed, "The child! That is what you wished to show me?"
"You saw him?" Shepard croaked, stumbling to her feet. Her whole body shook.
Mind melding was not meant to work like that. Liara had dug into moments no one was ever meant to know. Her mind had been too fragmented and damaged.
"I felt him," Liara gasped, and she held her stomach as if she was the one who had been pregnant. "I felt him as if I carried him. He moved beneath your skin. You felt him, even when your conscious mind didn't recall it. The pain of your reconstruction and childbirth was horrendous." Liara shuddered. There were still spots of color high in her cheeks and she still breathed as if she had run a mile. "Your body struggled with it. You were still so ill and they had drugged you inappropriately. You drifted in dreams and then into consciousness. You were in such pain, half mad from it. Your body shouldn't have been forced through that. No one should. I'm so sorry. Your mind kept begging to die."
Liara burst into tears.
Shepard was up and across the room in moments. She wrapped her arms around Liara, drawing her into a hug. It was partly for her benefit, an old instinct left over from the SR-1. Liara had been so sweet and kind, like the kid sister to everyone on the SR-1.
Now she was a ruthless information broker, wracked with guilt over Shepard's anger and her hand in her body's hijacking.
"Shh," she soothed. "It's OK. You saved me. I forgive you, Liara. Thank you, really. Miles is alive because of you."
"But I should not have done it! I am not the goddess of life and death. What happened to you was wrong. Kaidan would never have done that. He knew you better than that. You did not want what happened to you."
And I would be rotting right now, Shepard thought. She agreed. Kaidan wouldn't have done that. He would have buried her and grieved. She would still be dead. Things that were meant to happen, didn't, and things that shouldn't have happened, did. She couldn't change that. She could only roll with the punches.
Liara pulled away, her tears dried up. A cool expression was plastered onto her face, a brave attempt at normality.
"Miles, you have named him? It's lovely," Liara said, going to her desk to page through some files on her computer, already starting her search for Cerberus cells.
"That's right. Miles," Shepard replied, with a weak smile. "I need to find him. I need to save him. And I need the Illusive Man to not discover that we're going after him until he's safe in my arms and we're far away from Cerberus."
"I will help you until my dying breath," Liara vowed, already tapping away at her console, sending out information, scanning Cerberus activities. "I'm responsible for what happens to him. I'm the reason he is with Cerberus."
"No, you're not," Shepard refuted, shaking her head. "He's there because of Miranda and the Illusive Man. No one else. Don't blame yourself."
Liara leaned back in her chair, no longer typing. "I will need more information than what I can provide from this terminal. I have been hunting the Shadow Broker. I'm certain he has the information we need and I have the tools to take him down, with your help."
"The Shadow Broker?" Shepard asked, her heart turning to a block of ice. How the hell could they persuade the Shadow Broker to give them information? She was running low on creds without the Illusive Man's generous funding. The Shadow Broker was the one who had tried to steal her body for the Collectors. There was no way they could work with him.
Taking him down seemed like an even more daunting prospect. They didn't even know who he or she was.
Liara's expression was almost scary, twisted with hate. "Even Cerberus can't hide all from him. I have some data that has allowed me to pursue him lately. I was going to hire some mercs to help me, but with you here, I'm sure we can handle it. No one can stop us if we work together."
"Fine," Shepard agreed, her time running out. Kaidan was coming. Earth was trying to drag her back home. She'd do anything to get Miles back before then. "Let's not waste time. I'll gather some people from the ship and meet you back here."
Liara shook her head, gathering her purse and heading to the door. "Meet me at my apartment in an hour. I have to go get dressed and ready. I need to be all I can be for this."
"We will be."
She paused at the threshold. "Shepard…there's something else I have to tell you. Something I saw."
Liara opened her mouth but EDI cut over Shepard's comm. "Shepard, Jacob Taylor has requested that Miranda Lawson be released from her confinement to aid you. She has apparently begged him, and wishes to speak to you. Should I grant her request? Jacob Taylor seems to believe she can be of help. He says she is sincere in her remorse."
"Fine," Shepard sighed and waved to Liara who left to get ready. "Put her on."
"Shepard, Miranda here. Please take me with you."
Shepard scoffed. "You must be kidding. No way."
"Please. I know Cerberus. I know how the Illusive Man works. I'm a Sentinel, I have the best synergy with your abilities," Miranda said, desperation and contrition in her voice making it higher than usual. "If nothing else I'm the best you have in a fight."
"Garrus does twice the job you do," Shepard threw back at her.
Miranda paused, seeming to gather her composure. "You know that's not true. Garrus isn't a biotic like me. I work best with you out of the whole crew. Please, let me help. I promise you can send me back to the ship if it doesn't work out, but you know I can be useful to you. I want to help Miles. Everything is my fault."
Shepard didn't reply but settled into Liara's vacated chair. She noticed with a jolt that on Liara's desk was a picture of her, dressed in the SR-1's blue uniform and laughing at something just out of sight.
Another picture sat beside it, an informal snap of the whole SR-1's crew. Kaidan's arm was around her shoulders, just slung there casually. Wrex had just slapped Garrus on the back and he was captured in the middle of spitting out his drink. Joker was doing bunny ears to Tali, seeming to know a picture was being taken.
Shepard remembered that evening. They had all drank together after a long mission of hunting down Cerberus to avenge Admiral Kahoku.
The whole ground crew, plus Joker, had decided to play cards and socialize. It was one of the best nights she'd spent on the SR-1. Joker had climbed into Tali's lap and she had laughed so hard her mask had fogged up. He hadn't shut up about her hips and then he had gotten up, sashayed around the room, swinging his hips with such exaggerated sass that Shepard had to tell him (through her gales of laughter) to sit his fool ass down in case he broke something.
Wrex had given Liara poker tips. Ash and Shepard had dirty danced around the room, and then eventually pulled Kaidan up to join them. He had been doing his utmost impression of a wallflower. Ash wouldn't stand for that.
Later Shepard had taken pity on him and pulled him into a quiet alcove. She'd been a little tipsy and far too happy, so when their chests bumped together and the music from the crew's party echoed to them, the darkness shielding them, she had pressed her lips to his and he had kissed her back. Joker's loud yell at Garrus had them pulling away and going back to the party with red faces.
She didn't even know Liara had taken a picture of them all gathered together. It was sweet. Shepard felt a lump rise in her throat.
There was another picture beside Liara's console of Benezia and a tiny little girl whose freckles gave her away as a toddler Liara.
Shepard frowned as Miranda breathed on the other end of the comm, her breaths harsh and a little nervous sounding.
Benezia had made a lot of mistakes. Her fatal one believing she could deal with Saren. But she had done it to protect her daughter, to try and protect the galaxy. She thought she could reason with him, never suspecting the indoctrination that awaited her.
Miranda and Shepard hadn't been much different. Both swayed by the Illusive Man's offers of protection, of the chance to help the ones they loved. All three women had been manipulated and lied to in the end. The Illusive Man was just as dangerous and clever as Saren.
They needed to unite against their common foe. The Illusive Man hated Miranda for her betrayal.
Miranda was only trying to do what she thought was right. Even Shepard could tell she clearly cared for 'Tommy' from early on in their dual reconstruction. In Shepard's fragmented memories, she had been kind. She had doted on him.
"Shepard, are you there? Please. I need to help."
"Fine," Shepard finally responded. "Disguise yourself. You're too noticeable."
"Already done," Miranda said crisply. "I'm always prepared.
"Of course you are," Shepard muttered and then spoke louder for the benefit of the comm. "Get Jack, Samara and Garrus and meet me at Liara's office."
"Thank you."
"I'm not doing it for you," Shepard snarled. "I'm doing it for him."
The three women and Garrus bundled into Liara's office to meet Shepard. Garrus and Jack had barely restrained rage on their faces, antsy and unsettled by Miranda's presence. Shepard didn't blame them. Every time she saw Miranda she wanted to throw up.
The woman in question looked like a completely different person. While Jack had covered all her tattoos with demure armor and wore a helmet to disguise her face, Miranda had dyed her hair an ash blonde and ditched her trademark Cerberus outfit. She now resembled a female Alliance officer, her uniform blue with white stripes. Her light hair was pulled back into a strict pony tail and the overall effect made her look strikingly different. Even Shepard would have walked by her on the street. She was still beautiful of course, but she had forgone makeup. She was almost unrecognizable.
Samara had removed her regal headband and Justicar armor. She wore old, scratched up human female armor, and Shepard saw that it was an older model of Ash's phoenix issue. She looked like any other asari, save for her striking eyes hidden beneath a hood.
Garrus had taken her advice. He had new armor, plain black to blend in as much as possible, yellow face paint instead of his customary blue, and Mordin had sprayed adhesive skin onto his scars to temporarily cover them.
The only way the Illusive Man would recognize the ragtag group was if he individually scanned every single second of security footage with face-recognition software. And even then, there was no reason for him to suspect Shepard's betrayal. Everything was going to plan so far.
Shepard stood and her team stepped into formation before her, even the normally taciturn Jack. Shepard pulled out her pistol and held it pointed at Miranda's head.
"Fuck yes," Jack crowed. "We're finally gonna execute her! About time, Girl Scout."
"No, Jack," Shepard barked. "This is a warning. The betrayal and lies end here, Miranda. I'm trusting you to help me one last time. There's no redemption for you. We'll never be friends again. But this is your chance to be able to sleep soundly. To be able to stand the person in the mirror. This is your chance to make up to Miles what you did to him." Shepard fought to keep her voice even. "For taking him before he even had a chance to lay skin-to-skin with me. For stealing his goddam mother from him."
"I'll take this chance, Shepard," Miranda replied, eyes shining as she met the barrel of the gun unflinchingly. "I want nothing more than to put you two together. I'll do for you what you did for me and Oriana. I was wrong. No one's perfect and I'm very, very far from perfection. I realize that now."
"My Code holds you to this, Miranda Lawson," Samara said. "The Code would ordinarily dictate that I execute you right now for your duplicity and criminal activities, but Shepard, the victim in this scenario, judges that you have more use. Should you falter in your promise, I will end your life on the spot."
"I won't falter," Miranda replied, voice cold as ice.
"I'd like to take this moment to say that I am so fucking disappointed we aren't blowing her brains out," Jack cut in. "But let's get this show on the road. We have a little bastard to save."
She turned to Shepard. "Yeah, and also, you have the worst taste in daddy material. Next time try not to choose the Spectre sworn to hunt you down, 'kay?"
Shepard crossed her arms, and rolled her eyes. "There won't be a next time, and give me a fucking break. He wasn't a Spectre back then," she said through gritted teeth. "Are you done yet?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah, I think I'm good."
They all turned to leave, falling into step beside each other.
"Oh, one last thing. Garrus, your face looks like ass. At least the scars hid half your ugly mug."
"Jack, must you be so ornery?" Samara asked, and Shepard tried to keep her lips from twitching in a reluctant smile, hope blooming in her chest. Miles was one step closer. Her friends were beside her.
"Shut your face, grandma. This is my favorite kind of op. Kicking Cerberus' ass."
They arrived at a crime scene and to a missing Liara. Shepard's small hope died when she saw an asari Spectre there and watched with growing horror as she dismissed the gathered cops.
"Spectre Shepard, I recognized you immediately. Nothing escapes my notice on Illium. My, my, you are keeping a low profile, though," the asari called. "My newest colleague, Spectre Alenko, is searching for you. I'm Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance." Her eyes flickered over Shepard and to her small group gathered behind her. If she tried to arrest Shepard, they would kill Vasir. She had to know she was outgunned.
"Here you are, fallen right into my lap. Perhaps I should hand you over to Alenko. Let him run back to the Council with his tail wagging like a good boy."
Shepard paced warily over. "Perhaps you should." She lifted her chin, meeting the asari's cold eyes and flared slightly, throwing her hood back for the moment. "Will you? I think we both know only one of us will walk away from the fight. And it wouldn't be you. I have a lot to fight for."
Vasir's eyes gleamed with respect and feral appreciation of Shepard's boldness. "No. Not my fight. I have no such orders from the Council yet and, forgive my bluntness, but I am not suicidal. I'm here to solve a murder attempt on Liara T'Soni. Only problem is, she's missing."