Love,

France, it seems, has become a woman... Currently, he/she is outside my house, trying to seduce/rape me. Don't worry, though. All the doors and windows are locked. He/she cannot possibly get in.

Love,

Austria

Austria,

How can he rape you as a woman? Don't worry, this is purely an academic question. I may watch him do it to someone else at some point, but at the moment, I am on my way to Vienna with the Flying Pan.

See you soon.

Love,

Hungary

Hungary,

I-I have no fear of the Flying Pan! None at all! No!

However, I will admit that Austria is not my first target. Since I am a woman now, I am thinking of slipping into England's house tonight. But don't tell Amérique! He simply would not understand...

Also, my colonies have lost all sense of respect for me. Did you know, Lebanon actually hit me when I tried to make my way to her bedroom with her? Silly child, she never resists when I am male...

France

France,

That's because when you forced yourself on her before, she was your colony and had no choice. She is no longer a "silly child;" in fact, I am in the process of helping her and others of your former colonies get over the trauma you have caused them.

Not your first target? Right. Austria says you're at his window. I was headed there anyway—don't look now, but I'm right behind you.

Kiss my caffeinated ass,

Hungary

Dear Hungary,

He talked to me! He talked to me! Prussia knows I exist! We were just sitting there, while everyone else was trying to get America to stop dancing on the table and sit down (Admittedly, killing bin Laden is a pretty incredible thing, but still!) and we just started talking, about what the meeting was supposed to be about and other, random chat... It was great. It was really, really great. And he said that I was "on [my] way to awesome"!

This is GREAT!

Canada

Dear Canada,

I'm writing from Austria's house; I just had to call the police and alert them to a most unwelcome intruder there. We're about to have dinner, but I wanted to see how you were doing. I'm so glad it went well! Remember not to get too excited too fast, but it's a start. Did you get his phone number? Maybe you (or he) can plan the next meeting!

Hungary