A/N: I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update. Life has been rough. Really rough. I am going to work hard to finish this story and update more frequently for you guys, who are the greatest (and also so I don't have to re read my own story). I am so out of touch with this world. Please show me grace. I am sure I have tons of emails to answer and tons of fics to catch up on and I will begin to dip my toe in slowly. I am so sorry again.

Chapter Thirty Six

"Darling, we are so glad you are back," Cora murmurs as she touches Mary's hand, so softly her fingertips could be butterfly wings.

Mary smiles and nods but the truth is much more complicated than that. Isn't it always? The truth is that for several weeks she did her best to seduce Matthew Crawley, despite his misgivings and worries about pregnancy, only to agree to return with him if they shared one night in Liverpool. He didn't resist her demand. But in the morning light, while Matthew slept, Mary stared at the ceiling as dread washed over her. What was she doing? Returning to Downton meant returning to a history that hurt. It pained her. He chose someone else at Downton while claiming to love her once before. Her husband died at Downton. Mary wanted to turn and curl on her side but feared waking Matthew. Already she moved slightly away from him–she couldn't bare to touch him–while he grumbled in his sleep and reached for her.

There was no excuse for her behavior; she lost her head. Something about the ease of it in Ireland, the smell of a baby over her heart as she moved in the rocking chair, rendered seeing him something magical. Everything stripped away except the want. But he is still the man who chose someone else, leading them all down a rabbit hole. He is still the man she argued with while he claimed to never have been friends. He is still the man she screamed at–you can bear no one's hurt along with your own. He is still the man found at the edge of the lake the day after her wedding. Now he is sober but honor will always be first for Matthew, she realized as she finally slipped from under the sheets to dress. And honor is not love.

How could she forget their whole sordid past? Ireland existed in some foreign unknown plane. She was not herself. And he...

"I'm happy to be back, Mama," Mary replies automatically although she isn't sure of the sentiment. She doesn't know where she belongs. Here? America? Surely not Ireland? As for who she belongs to...Mary belongs to herself.

"I could have cried when I saw you drive up with Matthew," Cora says, holding back tears even now.

"You did cry." Mary's lips grace her face with half a smile.

She knows it confused Matthew, the coolness between them. He tried to kiss her and she turned her face away. We won't be doing any of that in Yorkshire, she tried to tease but her voice fell flat. Of course, this sentiment was a departure from her well known plans to sneak around. When he asked her what was wrong, Mary turned away and put on her gloves. It's time for us to return and they both knew she didn't just mean Downton Abbey. On the train, she saw his jaw work over and over again and she knew what he wanted to asked. She closed her eyes and prayed he wouldn't. In the end, he didn't ask: do you regret it? And Mary thanked God.

She knows none of this is fair to him but all of the old feelings hit her like bricks. She never expected it. She could no longer imagines herself falling asleep while curling her finger around the blonde hair of his chest. She turns away from the memory of his hooded eyes as his hands curve around hips. She forgot herself. There always was a wanting between them but too many complications too bear. Always too many complications. For a time, in Ireland, they forgot those complications but nothing that transpired was sustainable.

"Mary?" Matthew asked once on the train but Mary went on pretending to be asleep. You don't know me. Not really. And I don't know you. What I do know is that we will never be compatible. We can't make each other happy.

But you did, a voice inside her replies. She squashes it easily: that wasn't real life.

"I only wonder–"

"Mama." Mary rolls her eyes.

But Cora doesn't stop. "I only wonder if something new has begun again with you and Matthew. You must know the way he looks at you."

"Mama," Mary replies firmly. "Matthew chose someone else. And I lived my life in the aftermath of that choice. Thankfully, it was a good life."

Cora grasps Mary's hand. "You talk as if it's over. You are still so very young."

"I don't feel young," Mary laughs breezily. "I feel ancient."

"I only thought...perhaps you and Matthew rekindled a romance while you were away," Cora continues. "You know, he does have to marry. And no one wants to see you spend the rest of your life alone."

Mary shakes her head. "In order to rekindle anything, there has to be something...to kindle. What did we have, Mama? But a juvenile, failed engagement and lots of pining. Don't forget he chose someone else."

"You keep saying that, Mary." Cora takes a breath. "Well, we are having some guests this weekend and I would be lying if I told you the purpose wasn't for one of the girls to strike Matthew's fancy. But Darling, if you love him, I would call the whole thing off."

"I don't," Mary snaps before she returns to a more subdued version of herself. "I don't love him. All I've said this entire conversation is that I am not in love with him."

"I only thought perhaps the lady dost protest too much." Cora smiles.

"Not this lady." They lean towards one another and laugh.

They dine together. Cora, clearly still hopeful, sits them next to one another. "And how are you finding Yorkshire after your trip abroad?" Mary asks breezily, talking to him as she would anyone else, her eyes a little focused on a space to the left of his head. She remembers Sir Anthony crying out Good God, Salt! and laughing into her napkin turned towards Matthew. But this is another memory she dismisses.

His answer is low. His eyes serious, though she cannot meet them. The blue is dangerous. "Lonely."

"Well, the house party should liven things up," Mary continues brightly. "Mama says there are a few contenders for the future countess."

Matthew looks pained as he briefly closes his eyes. "Mary."

"Yes?" she replies blithely and just as it is time to turn, he slips a note into her palm, his fingers lingering over her skin. In the pit of her stomach, she aches at his touch but she doesn't hold on.

Mary does not want to read his note. It is bed time. Anna took down her coiffure and her braid falls down her back as Mary sits up in bed, turning the folded piece of paper over and over in her hands. It's like she imagined, so long ago, at his wedding to Lavinia–subdued conversations at dinner and subterfuge like this note. But Matthew is not married any longer. Mary chews on her lips before standing. She starts to unfold the note.

Darling Mary,

I am not sure what has changed between us...but something has. I miss you dreadfully. I need to speak with you. Please try to meet me at

Mary folds the note up as small as she can. Then she rips it into a pieces before throwing it away. She wishes she were the note. It is exactly how Mary once imagined a clandestine romance with Matthew would be. Only, magnets or not, she doesn't want it.

"And Mary?" Papa is positively glowing with delight to have his daughter at breakfast again. "What are your plans for today?"

"I thought I'd take a picnic," she replies easily, reaching for her tea.

"Do you really think that's wise?" Papa asks seriously.

"This isn't about Mack." The table hushes when she says his name and Mary wants to cry realizing how long it's been since she said it aloud. "It's a beautiful day. I'll stay close to the house. I only want to read outside and be alone for awhile."

"All right." Papa smiles and Mary lets him think he's given her permission.

A/N: This is probably not what you wanted because Matthew doesn't make much of appearance and there is no funny business. But I needed to show Mary's reentry into life here at Downton. More than that, Mary has to deal with an avalanche of feelings she avoided the entire time she and Matthew played house in Ireland. Don't hate me. But please tell me what you thought.