Ch. 35

Aria's POV

I handed my phone to Hanna, she quickly read it, and said,

"Aria, I hate to say it, but 'A' is right. Just tell Ezra, please. He loves you so much. I know he will help you," Hanna pleaded as she reached out to grab my hand.

"Han, I've already put him through so much. I can't."

"Think of how much more he'll go through if you end up seriously injuring yourself..or worse! Aria, please," Hanna looked at me with glassy eyes, "I know what it's like; to feel like you're in control from hurting yourself. I know that feeling, but this isn't going to help you. This isn't a solution. You girls and Caleb have helped me see that. I want to help you, and so will Ezra."

I shook my head as tears fell from my eyes, "God, Han, why does everything have to be so hard?"

She pulled me into a hug, "I don't know, Aria," she said as she stroked my hair, "but everything is going to be okay. You just need to tell Ezra before 'A' does. He needs to hear it from you."

"I have to go," I said as I pulled away from her.

"Okay," she said softly, "text or call me if you need anything."

"Bye, Han," I said as I got up and walked out of the house.

I didn't want to tell Ezra, not yet. I knew that I had to sooner or later, but I just didn't want to burden him with any more of my problems right now. He was already taking time off from work and promising to go on vacations with me, he was trying to fix me, but he just didn't know how broken I really was.

I opened the door to Ezra's apartment with the key he had made for me,

"You're back," he said brightly as he walked over to kiss me.

"Yeah," I said softly.

"Aria," he said as he stood with his hands on my waist, "Is there something wrong? Please tell me if there is. This is new territory for me; I don't know what to do to help you. I just need you to tell me what you need from me."

I hugged him tightly, "I just need you to keep being you. I need you to love me no matter what."

He pulled away from our hug and held my face in his hands,

"Aria, there's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you," he said as he pressed his lips to mine lightly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for another kiss. His hands snaked around my waist and pulled my body even closer to his. My fingers tangled in his short chocolate hued hair, and his tongue traced my bottom lip. He picked me up and my legs clung tightly around his waist. His hands held my bare thighs that were exposed from my short dress. He pressed my back against the wall as I pulled him as close as our bodies would allow.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear before kissing my neck.

He carried me to the bed and I hastily pulled off his shirt. He started to lift my dress over my head when I remembered my bandages on my right hip. I panicked. If I stopped him again, he would know for sure that something was wrong. He looked at my face and saw the terrified expression I had on my face. His hands froze,

"What? What's wrong? Do you not want to do this?" he asked clearly confused.

"I…" I couldn't think of how to explain this, "Um, I, uh, I need to tell you something?" I said awkwardly.

"Uh, okay?" He said as he moved away from me and took his hands off of my dress and hips.

"I…I just don't know how to say it," I said as my brows furrowed.

"What do you mean? It is bad?" Ezra asked with fear in his eyes.

"Yeah..I guess you could say that," I said with tears brimming in my eyes.

"Aria, just tell me. I know something's been off with you. Please just tell me whatever it is. If this," he motioned to us, "is too much for you right now.."

I cut him off, "No, no. It's not that. It doesn't really have anything to do with you."

He looked even more confused, "Then what, Aria? You're scaring me."

"I…," the tears I had been holding back started to fall, "I've been," I bit my lower lip hard drawing blood, "I've been," I couldn't get the words out. I saw the way his blue eyes were staring at me. He was terrified at what I would say. I closed my eyes and looked away from him.

"Aria," he said quietly as he touched my face with his hand, "Is this about the bandage on your right hip?"

I stared at him as I saw him cringe, hoping that he was wrong.

"Yes," I whispered so softly that I could barely hear myself.

He closed his eyes and held his head in his hands.

"Ezra," I cried out, "please say something!"

He looked up at me with his penetrating blue eyes, "I don't know what to say, Aria," he whispered, "I thought you were getting better. I thought we were getting past this. Why wouldn't you talk to me instead of doing this?" he pointed to my hip as his voice got louder.

"Ezra," I pleaded, "please don't yell at me!"

He shook his head, "I'm sorry, Aria, but I just can't…" he got up and walked across the room.

"What do you mean 'you can't'?" I said louder than I meant to, "Ezra, are you breaking up with me?"

"I just need to get some air," he said as he grabbed a shirt and walked out of the apartment.

Ezra's POV

I practically ran out of the apartment and down the stairs. I needed to get out. Now. I burst out onto the street and started walking. I didn't really know where I was going, but I needed to just breathe for a minute. Why would she do that? I thought everything had been going fine. Why wouldn't she talk to me instead of cutting herself open like that creep did to her? Didn't she know any other way to cope? I shook my head as I walked faster. I thought our relationship was deeper than this. I thought that she knew she could come to me about this, before it got this bad. I thought that we had been making progress. We'd been through so much together already; didn't she know she could trust me by now? But then again, I did just walk out on her after she was very clearly uncomfortable sharing something with me. I just couldn't even think straight right now.

"Ezra," I heard a familiar voice call out from across the street.

I looked up to see a fashionable blonde, "Hanna," I said dryly.

"So, I'm guessing she told you?"

"You knew?" I practically screamed.

"She came to me earlier today, and I told her to tell you. I told her that you would be understanding, and that you would want to help her. Was I wrong to assume that? Are you dumping your depressed girlfriend who was abused and is now a cutter? Did you forget what started this whole downward spiral? The loss of your baby. She has never been the same since that!" she spat at me, "YOU need to realize that and take some responsibility. You cannot expect her to be shiny and new again!" She yelled as Caleb got out of the car and grabbed her arm.

"Han, Han, come on," Caleb said as he guided her into the passenger's seat.

Aria's POV

Had Ezra just left me? I started hyperventilating. What was I going to do? He was all I had left. I sat in the corner of his apartment and started to cry uncontrollably. This was entirely my fault. Once again I had managed to screw things up and let it all go to hell. I heard the door open and Ezra said softly,

"Aria, are you still here?"

Ezra's POV

I saw her sitting in the corner with tears streaming down her face. She looked so small and fragile.

"Aria, I'm sorry," I said, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was never going to break up with you; I just wanted to get some air. I'm sorry. I was wrong to leave you."

She looked up at me with her enormous glassy hazel eyes,

"Ezra," she said as she sobbed, "You're all I have left."

I pulled her tiny frame into a tight embrace, "What do you mean?" I asked softly.

"I don't have the baby anymore, I don't have anyone's respect, I don't even respect myself, and you're all I have left right now. I can't lose you."

"You're never going to lose me," I said as I brushed her tears away with my thumb, "I will love you until the day I die, and probably even after that," I said as she smiled weakly, "You're my soul mate, Aria, you're it."

I saw her broken face light up, "Really?" she asked eagerly.

I laughed, "Of course! I would do absolutely anything for you."

I kissed her lips and could taste the salt from her tears.

"Can I see?" I asked as I motioned towards her hip.

She bit her lip and nodded slowly as she pulled her dress up.

I gently took the bandage off to see at least a dozen cuts lining her hip and overlapping each other.

"Aria," I whispered, "promise me that you'll stop. I need your word."

She nodded quickly, "Ezra, I promise. I swear."

I looked at her face; I wanted to believe her so badly, "Aria," I said as gently as I could, "I think you should start seeing Dr. Sullivan again."

She looked at me with mixed emotions displayed on her porcelain face, "But why, Ezra? I'm fine."

"Aria, nobody that's been through what you've been through could possibly be fine. You had a miscarriage, you were abused by your ex-boyfriend, you started cutting, and you've been blackmailed for a long time by an anonymous source. Aria, you need someone besides me to talk to. I don't know what to say, or how to help you."

She looked at me desperately, "Just take me away somewhere. That will help me. I need to get out of here."

I looked at her, unsure of what to say, "Aria, I can't. I just can't. I cannot take you anywhere until I know that you're okay."

She looked at me with wild eyes, "Ezra," she cried, "please!"

I couldn't stand the way she looked right now, "Aria, I'll have to think about it. I don't know."

I walked over to the kitchen and put my head in my hands. How had I let things get so out of control?