Thank you as ever for all the great reviews last chapter, to Chasing Aspirations for being wonderful as always and JustAStrangerPassingBy for her abundance of reviews all of which were wonderful!
The break between chapters this time will regrettably be longer than normal because i am going on holiday with a friend, which i am very thankful for as it will be great to relax and recahrge my batteries after real life has upped and knocked me for six recently. This chapter has been understandably hard to write but i do hope i did it justice and that you will like it just as much as you seem to everything else. Thanks.
Anyway, past the depressing stuff :) Enjoy!
(Full Chapter Title: That Feeling You Get When You Just Know Something Isn't Right...)
Over and out x
By the time he and Puck had made their way to their usual seats in Spanish and sat down Sam could already tell that something was wrong. He felt odd, like something wasn't there.
Not that something had been ripped away from him per se, but more like he had been irrevocably and undeniably tied to something and then suddenly it had drifted, not far enough for the invisible yet steel like thread to break but merely for it to waver, to quiver as he dropped his bag on the floor and glanced around the room.
It couldn't be that it was inside him, a piece of him that had disappeared, because to be inside him it would have had to have taken up space that was needed for other things, other parts of him, different facets of his life, his personality, his love.
And that wasn't right. This thing, this whatever, was inside him in the sense that he cherished it within him, but it didn't reside within him. It was still its own separate entity, but felt like an aura, a glow, around him, and was tethered to him, as he was tethered to it. It enhanced him, magnified everything he was, and that was why it wasn't in him. It was like something was shining its light on him, except that suddenly he felt as if the light had dimmed, not because it had been covered or softened, but because it was further away and therefore more diffuse, less focused.*
He couldn't understand it, why the line that bound was seemingly stretching.
Then he realised.
It was Kurt. Somehow something about the whole situation made his stomach go queasy even though he couldn't really say why, and then he suddenly knew that there was something wrong. They had walked him that far down the corridor but neither of them had seen the soprano enter his classroom, and Sam was sure that he wasn't in there. That was what he was feeling, what was missing, or rather, what had pooled the sense of aloneness in the pit of his stomach.
He glanced at Puck to see if he had noticed anything and was met with worried eyes, a frown, as the jock shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Puck flicked his eyes towards the door where Mr. Shue was entering, his normal, cheery grin on his face and his hair slick with what Sam was sure Sue Sylvester would say was the grease from the inside of a 19th century chimney sweep's ear.
He looked back and then mouthed 'Did he go into French?' at Sam, his eyebrows pulling together and his mouth pulling down at the corner.
Sam shrugged, a gesture that genially belied the dread he was feeling, and silently replied 'I don't know. But I don't like it.', halfway to standing up out of his seat when he saw Mr. Shue look at him and open his mouth.
"Sam, what are you doing?" His teacher asked, looking equal parts confused and annoyed.
Puck just nodded and whispered "You have to." far too quietly for most of the class to hear.
Sam nodded in reply and stood up, muttering something incomprehensible about lost keys and the nurses office to Mr. Shue as he darted out the room as fast as his legs would carry him, stopping at the classroom door only momentarily to get his bearings and then shooting off left in the direction of the locker room, from where he could hear sobs issuing.
He skidded to a somewhat standstill outside the door and paused, trying to determine if the noises he could hear were actually issuing from the locker room. When he had ascertained that they were, and that, from the twisting in his gut, they were Kurt's, he slowly stepped towards it and tentatively pushed it open.
At first he scanned the room frantically, trying to see Kurt, and then walked further in so that he could see more of the room. What he saw as he cast his eyes downwards shocked him enough to freeze him in his tracks for a couple of seconds.
Kurt didn't really know how long he'd been sat on the floor in the locker room, trembling as he tried to control his fast flowing and only ever so slightly irrational tears. It could have been nearly the whole lesson, he supposed in the very tiny part of his mind that wasn't still numb with shock, because the bell hadn't rung. However, it could just as easily been only a few minutes because his grasp of time and reality seemed a little skewed to him at that moment. Surely Karofsky hadn't just kissed him. Surely it was just some sort of weird, warped dream, right?
But as he opened his eyes for a second only to have his view of the firetruck red room obscured by tears, he knew, again in the small part of his mind left functioning, that it had actually happened.
It was as he was closing them again that he started to hear footsteps pounding down the corridor outside the locker room and stopping, he was sure, directly outside the door. As he silently hoped that it was a girl, or that the guy would go away without entering the room, he heard the squeak of wood on linoleum that meant only one thing. They were coming in. And he really couldn't bring himself to care, he just hoped that it wasn't one of the extremely homophobic jocks.
In the first few seconds of his state of shock Sam just stared at the image in front of him.
Kurt, his Kurt, was curled up on the floor of the locker room, pressed up against the lockers as his shaking, pale hands clasped tight around his knees and his feet tapped relentlessly on the floor, whether because they too were shaking and twitching or whether he was doing it on purpose Sam couldn't tell.
His normally carefully crafted and immaculately turned out outfit, one that Sam had secretly been wishing for because the jeans were Kurt's very tightest pair, was rumpled and creased, wrinkles lining the shirt as his knees scrunched it up even more. And the hair, which had been messed slightly by Puck before they had gone into Spanish, was completely ruined, with strands falling all over the place. It looked like his very worst bedhead and Sam knew that something had to have happened for it to have been that messed up.
But it was Kurt's face that made him unfreeze, start moving again, start dashing towards the boy he loved.
Gone was the rosy blush that was normally there when he was embarrassed or excited, and instead his face had an almost ghostly pallor, something sickly stopping his skin from looking like its normal luminescent perfection. It disturbed Sam a lot how off he looked, and those gorgeous, hypnotic glasz eyes were squeezed tight shut even as tears seeped out from under his trembling eyelids, flowing down his face and dripping slowly off his chin and nose and onto his shirt. It made Sam's heart feel like it had stopped as he watched the person he knew was so, so strong break down.
It only took him a few seconds to reach Kurt and then he was throwing himself unthinkingly on the floor beside him and flinging his arms tightly around the small huddled figure, trying to stop the shivering and calm Kurt's tears.
The first thing Kurt knew about it he felt and also heard a whoosh of air and then strong arms were winding tightly around him, grasping him in a strong hold, and it startled him so strongly that he immediately tensed and started to struggle, trying to wriggle away.
All of that changed when he felt a hand smoothing down his hair and a soothing, extremely familiar voice whispering in his ear.
"Shush Kurt, calm down, I'm here for you, no one can hurt you now."
He let himself relax into the muscular, warm arms as he struggled to open his eyes and was eventually rewarded with a view of a distressed and worried looking Sam, who was breathing deeply and staring into his eyes warily, as if hoping he wouldn't tense up again. He pressed a shaky kiss to Sam's lips and then buried his face in his shoulder, wrapping his own arms around the quarterback's chest, letting them link behind his back as he willed himself to stop crying.
They stayed like that for a few minutes while Kurt's sobs became more and more infrequent, his shaking less pronounced, and eventually the tears stopped flowing, dry sobs still occasionally sending tremors through his body but not wetting his face or Sam's shirt. Thoughts of the past half hour were still swirling through his mind, colours both heightened and dampened, as though he were watching through some strange kaleidoscope of emotion. He had different feelings battling to be the main reaction and he was totally unsure what he was going to do or feel at that moment. But he was wondering about one thing.
Sam tried to keep as still as possible as he held Kurt in his arms, not staying frozen but moulding himself around Kurt s he calmed down slightly. He couldn't keep his mind from running over dozens of different scenarios that would explain why Kurt was where he was and upset like he was, some worse than others. He found himself thinking about whether he had found something disturbing or upsetting, or whether, because of the setting, he had had some kind of confrontation with one of the jocks. At first his mind went to physical attack but when he lifted his head slightly from Kurt's shaking shoulder he couldn't see any obvious signs of violence so he put that to the back of his mind and held Kurt a little tighter, wondering again what the hell had happened.
He was still thinking about why Kurt was there when the smaller boy startled him with a question.
"Sam... why are you here? How did you find me?" Kurt asked, his pale face lifting up so that he could look into Sam's eyes again, his expression confused.
Sam shook his head slightly, hardly even paying attention as he answered his question unthinkingly, saying "I heard you sobbing, I knew it was you."
There was still something that Kurt didn't quite understand, so he pulled back further, shifting so that he was seated somewhat oddly in Sam's lap as he spoke.
"But why were you out of your lesson? Why were you even there to hear me?" He wondered, his voice small.
It was then that Sam realised what he was actually asking, and shifted their positions himself as he straightened his legs out underneath them both, lifting Kurt slightly as he did so, so that the brunette was sat between his legs with both of Sam's arms wrapped around him. He managed to turn Kurt enough so that he was slightly sideways and they were facing, and then tried to organise his jumbled thoughts.
He took a deep breath and then explained "Me and Puck were just sure something was off. We never actually saw you go into your French lesson and both of us were worried about it for some reason. I don't know why Puck didn't like it but I felt awful, sick in my stomach. Like there was something that was supposed to be there that I needed, that I was close to and attached to, and suddenly it wasn't there properly any more. I don't think I can explain it right but we agreed that I needed to go and check on you, neither of us thought you were in your lesson."
He paused to look at Kurt again from where he had been gazing at the ceiling and saw something inside his eyes, different from his earlier gaze, and though it seemed familiar he still struggled to place it.
Kurt stared at the boy who was holding him, taking in what he said and realising that that was the exact way he felt himself, like he and Sam were inexplicably attached and he could feel the pull. It made him realise his love for Sam even more as he talked, and he wanted to show it somehow.
He realised that Sam had paused and leaned in slowly, kissing him softly on the lips again before whispering "Carry on Sam."
Nodding slowly, he started to stroke Kurt's hair as he continued, "I ran out of Spanish and went down the corridor towards you locker, I don't know why, like it was instinct I suppose. As I neared the locker room I could hear sobs, your sobs, and I went in. It... You... I don't know, at first I just froze, but I love you Kurt and you needed me, I couldn't just let you stay there alone."
As he finished talking he saw the beginnings of a tentative smile start to form on Kurt's face and he couldn't help smiling back, returning his earlier kiss just as gently as they cuddled. They sat for a few beats of silence before Kurt raised his head to look at the ceiling, his eyes flashing down to Sam before his face returned to its original position, a sort of half-exasperated and somehow endearing sound issuing from him.
"Thank you Sam. For somehow realising that I needed you, even if I hadn't actually considered it myself at the time, and for finding me and just being there. I really do love you too, and nothing and no one will ever change that." Kurt said, holding the blond's gaze even as the both blush.
Sam just responded by interlocking their fingers as their hands twined together, Kurt's head resting on his shoulder. But as they relaxed again Sam asked the question that he had been dreading having to voice ever since he had seen Kurt on the floor or the locker room.
"Kurt, what happened?"
Kurt closed his eyes and breathed out his nose, trying not to let his breath shake as he did so, before he started to answer Sam, his eyes trained on the wall and door in front of him.
"I went back to my locker after you went into Spanish so that I could fix my hair, because Puck had messed it up. After I closed it up again I was slammed into it as I turned around," He had to pause as Sam gasped, and look at him, pleading with his eyes for him to stay silent, "And when I opened my eyes again I saw Azimio skulking off down the corridor, offering some homophobic remark or other as he left. But what really intrigued me was that Karofsky was standing a little way off looking upset and hurt, like he wanted to do something about his friend's behaviour, or say something. It reminded me of another incident earlier, do you remember when you and Finn stopped Azimio from slushying me?"
Sam had been listening intently to his story and wad fuming about Azimio, but as Kurt spoke he did in fact remember the incident, and nodded at Kurt, realising as the soprano continued to speak that the jock had been acting oddly even then.
"Well I could've sworn that he wanted to stop Azimio then and I could swear he actually apologised to me, and it was the same thing in the hallway earlier, only he raised his arm as if he wanted to do something rather than just say something. But as I picked myself up he shot off down the corridor and into the locker room, and I..." He looked up at Sam again as he gulped, saying "I followed him in there, I wanted to talk to him, ask him why he was acting so differently."
Sam stiffened as Kurt mentioned that he had followed Karofsky into the locker room, and he looked down at Kurt in shock and fear.
"Kurt, please, please don't say he hurt you? I will kill him if he hit you, if he laid a finger on you!" He said, quietly but nonetheless ferociously.
Kurt hastened to assure him that the footballer hadn't hit him, saying "No, he didn't hurt me like that, he wasn't violent at all apart from hitting his locker. But... well..."
Sam looked into Kurt's deep blue eyes yet again as he faltered, asking gently "What?"
"Well, when I asked him what was wrong he clammed up, wouldn't talk to me at all, but I could see the pain in his eyes and I guess I just didn't like it at all. I figured out that the only way to get through to him properly was by making him agitated, and I ended up shouting at him, trying to get him to tell me what it was that was hurting him."
It was then that his description slowly turned from the clinical explanation he had been giving into something more emotional as he remembered what had happened, the anguished noises and the hands on his face and the way he hadn't been able to stop the tears.
He started to choke up and his voice got caught in his throat again as Sam said "What happened Kurt? Please, tell me?"
"I got in his face asking what was wrong, ignoring him when he told me to get away and then... then..."
He hid his face from his boyfriend as he said "He kissed me."
It took Sam a while to actually comprehend what Kurt was saying, and even when he was sure that he had in fact said what he had heard, he wasn't willing to believe it.
Karofsky, the guy who had tormented Kurt, tossed him into dumpsters, thrown slushies in his face, been the constant source of the homophobic remarks that were keeping him from being open about their relationship like he so wanted to be, had kissed Kurt.
Had kissed his boyfriend.
It made him angry to think of those hands, those lips on Kurt, his Kurt, and it bubbled up inside him like lava, hot and fiery and wanting to get out, like he wanted nothing more than to go after Karofsky and kill him, slowly and painfully, with his bare hands. It was all he could think about, until he considered Kurt, what he must be feeling. He knew that he needed to calm down for his boyfriend's sake. And as he considered Kurt's feelings, he ended up considering Karofsky's. At the same time he felt some weird sort of empathy with the boy. He was, seemingly, in the closet just like Sam.
And as he thought about that he remembered the look on Karofsky's face when Azimio had been mouthing off about 'faggots' when he had confronted them both in the parking lot the day before. He had looked upset, horrified, and like he was in pain then too, but Sam's attention had been focused for the most part on the guy throwing insults at him and he had failed to realise the significance of the look. It was dawning on him as he sat there mute that Karofsky was being painfully shoved even further and further into the closet every single day by the actions of his so-called best friend. The guy was poisoning Karofsky's mind against himself to the extent that he had withdrawn into a mask of hatred and bullying to hide it.
All that passed in a relatively short space of time as Kurt kept his face hidden, scared of Sam's response to his revelation, before he turned his mind back to the subject at hand and managed to speak.
"Karofsky kissed you?"
Kurt nodded, still facing the floor, and said "Yes."
He was ashamed to admit it, to say that someone else but Sam had kissed him, touched him. He couldn't help but feel sorry for Karofsky but he was angry at him as well, for kissing what belonged to Sam, and most of all for not being Sam, because he didn't want to ever kiss anyone else but the blond boy whose arms he was in.
Sam breathed out heavily through his nose and pushed his anger for Karofsky to the back of his mind, instead concentrating on Kurt. He could tell what he was thinking by the way he refused to look at him.
"I know how you're feeling Kurt and you shouldn't feel bad because of it, you didn't initiate it and it wasn't your decision, please don't feel like you've offended me or upset me because of this. I'm so sorry it happened and wish I could go back and do something, change something, call him out sooner, but don't you think badly of yourself okay?"
Kurt looked up then, blinking back tears again as Sam reassured him, and hugged him tightly, pulling them together.
In the situation he had found himself in words seemed to fail him after that, and he didn't know how exactly to comfort Kurt, or to try and assimilate his conflicting feelings at all, but a stray thought seemed to pop into his head and he pulled Kurt's face close to his as he gazed into the brunette's eyes, checking that he wouldn't jerk away.
Then, closing his eyes, he kissed Kurt again, softly at first and then deepening, always gentle but with increasing passion as they grew closer and closer together.
Kurt gasped softly and drew back, smiling up at Sam but looking confused once again as the blond kept his eyes closed and ran his hand down Kurt's cheek.
"What was that for Sam?"
"I wanted to remind you that I love you. Always will. And I wanted to get rid of the memory of Karofsky's kiss because I don't want it to haunt you."
Sitting as he was, holding onto Sam as they smiled at each other, Kurt thought that he really could start to erase the feelings. He would always have the memory, but he could move past it, past the whole experience, and still be with Sam, perfect and whole and not letting it get in the way of their relationship.
He also realised that they needed to help Karofsky somehow. Refer him to a support group or talk to him themselves or just let him know that he wouldn't out him to the school because heaven knows he knew the fear of someone doing that. And he firmly believed that purposefully outing someone was extremely cruel and unhelpful and was the worst thing anyone could possibly do.
Sam was coming to the same conclusion, that as he was in a similar position he kind of wanted to help Karofsky out, even though he also wanted to strangle him for hurting Kurt and making him cry.
Kurt loosened Sam's hold on him as he said "I don't think it will. Not with you here for me. I just feel really confused and shook up, and I don't know what to think about Karofsky at all at the moment." He smiled as Sam's hands dropped from around him while they both looked unsure, "But what I do know is that I think my ass will be numb forever if I carry on sitting on this stupid hard floor for very much longer, not to mention that I probably look a mess and I'd really rather those unappreciative idiots didn't see me looking like this. I need to do something about it stat!"
They both laughed as he pushed himself up off the floor, before grabbing Sam's hand and helping him up, brushing himself down and looking around to try and find a mirror.
Neither of them said that if anyone had found them in the position they had been in they would have instantly jumped to what were probably the right conclusions and spread word around the school like wildfire, but they both thought it as Kurt sought out the one tiny mirror in the room and set about trying to redo his hair, and Sam stood back and breathed a sigh of relief as he realised that the strong Kurt was still there and still fighting.
He finished getting his hair to some semblance of normalcy and then rubbed his eyes, trying to rid himself of the tear tracks. When he was pretty sure that from a distance you couldn't even tell he'd been crying he turned back around and smiled at am shyly, as he watched the blond stare at him with unashamed awe. He had no idea why he was doing, and it made him blush deeply, watching something so raw and honest in his boyfriends eyes.
To distract himself he tittered and sashayed towards the door, clasping their hands together and saying "We need somewhere to go. Fancy anywhere in particular?" to lighten the mood slightly before the talking they would have to do.
Sam smiled and replied "I don't know. There's no where private here where we won't be interrupted, we could use the choir room but I wouldn't put it past Rachel to end up there even in the middle of lesson because she needs to practice something."
Kurt shook his head fondly and then remembered something and grinned.
"We can use the auditorium! Mr. Shue gave us all keys to it last year so that we could practice uninterrupted, mostly because of Rachel's moaning about practice times and space, so we can go there now and lock it behind us, no one will be able to get in."
Sam's eyes widened as he realised that they could be completely alone there and grabbed Kurt's hand tighter, pulling him to the door before he had to let it drop. Turning to him he said "That's perfect! C'mon!"
They looked out the door to see if anyone was watching and then quickly walked towards the auditorium, glancing around for people in the hallways and skirting past open doorways where they could hear the strains of continuing lessons issuing forth.
Both ended up back in a more speculative, thoughtful mood by the time they reached the doors, and Kurt opened them slowly before stowing the key, fastened in a chain around his neck, back beneath his shirt.
They walked in and shut it behind them again, Kurt rolling his eyes when he had to get the key back out again to lock it, and then linked hands once again as they walked down the aisle. When they reached about two thirds of the way down Kurt slowed to a stop and slid into a row of seats, gracefully folding himself onto one and waiting for Sam to follow him with wide, honest eyes.
"I'm just so bewildered Sam. I never ever entertained the possibility that that was the reason he acted the way he did, and the actual kiss startled me so much, and I'm completely in a spin not knowing what to do. I'm so shook up about this that I don't feel like I know which way is up anymore." He said when Sam sat down beside him, and he looked over at him earnestly and saw the same confusion echoed in his eyes.
Sam just watched as Kurt tried to figure out what he needed, wanted to do, and tried to think to himself what he himself wanted to do, wanted to happen. One part of him wanted to beat Karofsky senseless for even touching Kurt, while another just wanted to hold the petite brunette tight and never let him go again. And yet another part wanted to find Karofsky and talk to him, help him through whatever he was going through because in some ways he was going through the same thing.
Kurt, meanwhile, was thinking along the same lines, wanting Sam to stay with him forever and hating Karofsky at the same time for what he had done, the bullying and the kissing. However, he couldn't quite bring himself to hate him properly because of the pain he had seen in his eyes, although that only partly diffused his anger.
He was just pissed with the world for creating a situation where someone felt that he couldn't be himself for fear of taunts and where people were free to hate and bully as they wished. He was angry that homophobia was still rife and that people couldn't be more accepting, and that he had to fight for everything. But he realised as he thought it that fighting for things made them so much better, made him want to keep on proving himself and doing his best, and it made it feel better when he had people around who loved him even if people didn't always believe in their love.
He looked over at Sam when a thought struck him and caught his eyes as he looked around.
"Sam, do you remember how Rachel obstinately believes that singing is the cure for anything and that a song will make you feel better about every situation?" He asked, smiling softly.
Sam, confused as to what Kurt was trying to say, nodded and said "Yeah, I think I can remember her stubbornly stating that music cures everything."
Kurt giggled quietly and then stood up from his seat, walking away from Sam and down to the other end of the row and into the aisle on the other side.
"Well, though I don't believe that everything can be solved by singing, I think I need to take a leaf out of her book. I need to let things out and there's a lot I want to say, and a song seems the best way."
By that time he had reached the bottom of the stage and was ascending the steps as Sam followed after him, eventually ending up sitting on one of the seats in the front row, by the opposite stairs to Kurt.
"I think that might just be a good idea." He said, shaking his head.
Kurt smiled at him once more, then closed his eyes and let his face relax as he began.
Give me any reason to believe
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I've seen a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers
He knew that it wouldn't take much for him to just give up and run away, or blend into the background, but he didn't want to do that. He had Sam, and he believed in them, believed in their future and their love, and now that they were together and pulling through things like what had happened together, he could see the bigger things, and how homophobia affected everyone around them, and what adverse affects it could have apart from those he had had inflicted upon him. His eyes hardened momentarily as he thougth about Azimio and wanted to know why he was so bigoted and prejudiced.
Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
And I've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here
Sam thought of Kurt's face when he had first found him, the almost ill look he had and the fear that was haunting him now and he wanted to know whether it was all worth it, but as he watched the boy on stage singing his heart out he knew that it was a resounding yes. It was worth every last bit of offense that would be slung their way because he loved Kurt, and it was as simple as that. And he was making up his mind as he sat there that it was going to be their time oon, and that he was going to have to start thinking about hiow he was going to come out to the school.
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
Kurt walked from the exact centre of the stage, where he had started singing, to the front, staying in the middle of it, and then gazed out at the empty seats, trying to imagine the rest of the school filling them all as he sang. He watched as they turned their indefferent of cruel faces away from him, but then in amongst them all he could spot all the faces of his friends, every last one glowing with pride and happiness and cheering for him. And he knew that he had to keep going, that he wouldn't give up, because he was still breathing and every breath he took was a hit against the people who hated him or ignored him.
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
He was thinking about all the people over he years who had insinuated that he wasn't a man, or wasn't male, calling him lady and saying he was a woman or that he didn't deserve to be a guy, that he wished he was a girl. And even though he wanted to sing with the girls a lot, it didn't mean he wanted to be one. He just felt closer to them most of the time. He hated the feminine assumptions and aspertions and he felt like it was so hard to be a man, to be strong and stand up for himself and his masculinity when it counted. But he knew that he wasn't going down witout a fight and that even after what had happened that day and the fact that he only had a few people around to support him, he was going to be strong.
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Promise me some dignity
If I were to stand and die here
'Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain I've never felt
Sam knew that people somewhere, possibly even in Lima, wished death on people like him, on all homosexuals, and that thought cared him more than he could say, but he told himself that even if anything ever did happen, he would be just as strong and iron-willed as Kurt and he would be dignified.
He also found himself agreeing which what Kurt was singing about his heart being somewhere else, because just as he knew that his actual heart resided in his chest and was with him all the time, his heart really belonged to Kurt and it would alwayd really be with him, helping him and loving him.
Time's racing (Please slow down)
I got to find my way out
I'm hopeless (But hoping)
My lungs won't fail me now
'Cause I'm still breathing
Kurt walked over to the left side of the stage where Sam was sat as he paused in between the verse and chorus, and he sat down on the edge when he reached it, his feet swinging almost playfully over the side as he smiled at the blond sat in front of him before closing his eyes and starting to sing again.
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
They both just sat with their eyes closed as Kurt sang, listening to the lyrics and feeling that they were so lucky to have each other even if they didn't have the world, and knowing that they were in it together and that nothing would shake them or break them apart, even though they would probably have petty fights and who knows what.
Where do we all find love?
Where do we all find love?
Kurt opened his eyes again and looked down at Sam, inclining his head towards him as he started the first repeated line, and then by the start of the second he was standing in front of him on the floor smiling at him and hugging him as he whispered "Right here."
It's hard to be a man
But I'm doing all I can
I'm ready to give this all I have
I'm ready to be amazed (I'm still breathing)
'Cause I'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own (I'm still breathing)
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
They were still hugging as Kurt sang the last chorus and didn't break apart for a couple of minutes afterwards, even after Kurt's voice had stopped echoing beautifully around the acoustically amazing room.
Finally, Kurt laid his head on Sam's shoulder and said "I feel so much better just letting it out. But there's still..."
As he trailed off Sam hugged him tighter and said "I know. You want to move on and be happy and try to work through everything and help out Karofsky, but you're still angry. At him, at Azimio, at the world. And you don't think that you can get over this properly and sort your head out with all that bottled up inside you, because you're just so frustrated at everything right now."
Kurt looked up at his boyfriend with wide eyes and tilted his head, his mouth falling open slightly so that he had to snap it shut and remind himself how unattractive it was.
"How did you know?" He asked.
Sam sighed and then answered "I'm psychic. Or maybe it's because that's pretty much kinda how I'm feeling now, but about slightly different things. But Kurt, I have a feeling that we can work around this together."
Kurt kissed Sam quickly as he stepped out of his embrace, and then closed his eyes for a second.
"Okay, I'll bite. What are you thinking? I know that face Sam."
He had indeed got a kinda plan thing, and he tried to straighten his face as best he could as Kurt opened his eyes and looked at him with a gentleness that made him just want to kiss him forever.
"Well... You said how singing helps, and we have that glee assignment later. My songs will work perfectly I think, but do you think you have time to learn two new ones by then?" Sam looked at him quizzically.
Rolling his eyes Kurt said "Of course! Who am I?"
Sam excitedly shouted "Captain Jack Sparrow!"**
At that Kurt just laughed and rolled his eyes before he spoke again.
"No, I'm Kurt fucking Hummel!"
A/N: I had such a hard time trying to get this right and re-write about three times, so fingers crossed it's not awful or anything :) The song was the wonderful 'Still Breathing' by Mayday Parade, who i love!
*Okay, so, i apologise for waxing poetic about my semi-philosophical ramblings, i just sort of wrote it. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I just hope you can understand it... anyway, yeah :L
**I had to. I am an unashamed POTC addict, and i love that quote. Nearly as good as 'Why is the rum always gone?'.
So, see you all asap after i get back, i shall try and sort out more of their poor muddled feelings! :/ arrgh, the angst :( xxx