A/N: I know it's been a while—like it always is when I upload a new chapter—and I hope you won't be disappointed with this chapter. The next chapter is already half done and I've been trying to work on it every day, at least for a little, so hopefully it won't be another month till you get to see it. Hope springs eternal and all that.
Thank you so much for the lovely reviews and the private messages you sent me. It makes me so happy that for some of you it was Lifelines that got you hooked on fan fiction! Also, thank you for putting Lifelines on your favourites lists!
A very special thank you to my amazing beta KayMarieXW. Thank you so much for your time and your support!
Previously…
The Cullens finally put their plan to go after Victoria in motion. Bella wants to go alone, but Edward has other plans and they might just permanently damage their still fragile relationship…
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga is property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm only borrowing.
37. REPRIEVE
EDWARD
Tell me why all the best laid plans
Fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end
The way I meant
Best Laid Plans by James Blunt
Even as I stomped through the trees, kicking at the fresh snow every now and then, I was aware of how immature I was acting. Like I was really just a seventeen-year-old teenager and not a vampire many years older than that. But I couldn't help it—although I knew that my dilemma was hardly Alice's fault, I couldn't make the anger boiling in my chest go away.
She had betrayed me.
You know that isn't true, my conscience put in.
Had I asked her to keep my decision secret?
No, I admitted, I hadn't. Alice would have seen my future shift the moment I decided to follow Bella to Helena and maybe, if I had called her and explained to her why I had to go, she would have understood. But I hadn't and it was clear that she didn't understand, although I had thought that Alice of all people would.
In our family Alice and I were the odd ones out. The psychic nature of our gifts set us apart from the others and we were the reason our family didn't keep secrets—it was simply not possible. Over the years Alice had become more than my sister. She was my friend, my best friend, and my confidante—had always been except for the decade after leaving Forks—and she always, always supported me.
Except for now.
Why else had she come to see Bella this morning? Keeping secrets now, are we? she had accused me. Or trying to keep secrets, I should say.
I shouldn't have counted on Alice to keep this to herself, but I had. Knowing that Alice had probably only intervened because she had seen what would happen if I failed to follow Bella undetected by Victoria's henchmen, didn't soothe my anger. She had to know that I didn't have a choice. I couldn't go back into the darkness I had just emerged from. I couldn't lose her again—forever this time. Didn't Alice understand? I thought she would, but apparently I had been wrong.
If only I had never thought of this plan. If only Bella didn't feel responsible for everything Victoria had done.
Or maybe… I stopped, staring at the tiny lights a few miles ahead, a handful of bright dots that shone through the dull greyness of this morning like stars, without really seeing them. I had wandered in the opposite direction of home; I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, not in the mood I was in. Maybe this wasn't about Victoria at all. Maybe Alice had seen Bella's reaction and that was the reason she'd decided to stop me. But that was unlikely because if she had, she would have talked to me first and not gone straight to Bella.
My heart clenched at the thought.
I hadn't spent too much time thinking about what Bella would say when she found out that once again I had made a decision—a decision that concerned us both—without discussing it with her. It wasn't any different from what I had done nine years ago and even my intention was the same: protecting her. Bella had repeatedly made it clear that she didn't want me there with her because if Victoria realised that we were trying to trick her, it could only end badly. I didn't know if she'd be able to forgive me for trying to override her decision, especially after what she had said last night about honesty. After all that had happened last night.
"I'd rather be apart from her than know she's dead and I was safely holed up here out of danger," I said to nobody in particular. For the briefest of moments the sky cleared and a ray of sunlight shot down, reflecting off the snow, which glittered like a hundred diamonds. But it was gone as quickly as it had come and the analogy wasn't lost on me.
For a few hours my life had been filled with light again, with Bella's warmth and softness, and I had revelled in that light, like a blind man who, after years and years in the dark, had regained his sight. Without Bella my life was utter darkness, and her light had shot through it like an arrow—like the ray of sunlight had just shot through the clouds. But the light was already fading, the darkness—the clouds—moving back into place, and it was my fault. I saw it happening, was aware of what it would do to our fragile relationship if I went through with this, but thanks to Alice I had no way out now. As far as our relationship was concerned, it didn't matter whether I went with her or not. Bella already knew that I had decided this on my own and apologising wouldn't change the fact that I had intended to go behind her back. It wouldn't make it okay.
It wasn't that I had thought I wouldn't have to confront her about it eventually, but I had expected it to be later rather than sooner, had thought I'd have until after this was over. If it worked, if I was able to keep her safe, then she would see that going with her had been a good idea and while that didn't make keeping it from her okay either, she probably—hopefully—would have been less angry with me than she'd be now.
I couldn't even blame her. If our places were reversed and if she were the one who had lied and I the one who'd been lied to, I would have been angry too.
But I couldn't not go because I couldn't lose her. Maybe we'd get there in time to prevent the worst, but there was the very likely possibility that we'd be too late because a lot could happen in ten minutes. I'd never be able to live with myself if she died because I hadn't been there for her. Just as I wouldn't be able to live without her in my life. It wasn't just Bella I was trying to protect—I was trying to protect myself as well. I had hovered on the brink of insanity once and I had managed to stay on the ledge instead of falling into the abyss—but only just. A second time I wouldn't be able to keep the depression at bay and, with Bella dead, I would have no reason to try. Sacrificing Bella's trust in me—if she trusted me at all, that was—was a small price compared to sacrificing her. Even if she wasn't with me, at least she'd be alive.
It was funny, really, how death put everything into perspective, how it made you realise the important things in life and hidden truths. A few days ago the mere thought of a future without Bella in it as my mate had threatened to push me back into the darkness. Now I was prepared to accept just that, if only she'd survive the day.
And there was something else that I realised as I stood there alone in the forest, the silence around me complete except for the occasional sound of traffic whenever the wind picked up and carried it in my direction. Bella had asked me if she was a monster and I had told her no. I had come to understand that there was a difference between predator and monster: for the former killing was instinctual and an undeniable part of its nature, but it had no cruel, evil intentions like the latter. The predator was part of who we were, defined who we were, to some extent at least. But there were monsters among us too—just as there were human monsters—like James and Victoria, who took pleasure in hurting others. I was a predator, but I wasn't a monster, hadn't been in a very long time. Or so I had thought. Because if I was prepared to sacrifice the lives of others and willing to accept that Victoria would—probably—go on a killing spree to punish us for trying to play her, what did that make me if not a monster? Was I any better than she was? Any better than James had been? My intentions, pure as they were, didn't matter. The outcome did. And if I didn't succeed, if Victoria had reason to believe that Bella showing up in Helena was a trap, whatever came next would be my responsibility. Bella—selfless, compassionate Bella—would never risk that, but I wasn't like her. I was too selfish to lose her again, selfish enough that I'd accept that my actions would cause other people pain.
But losing her would be unbearable and that left me no choice. I had to go with her, even if it meant losing her trust, maybe even losing her as my mate. Alice and Jasper would surely try to stop me, but I'd find a way to evade them because I had to.
Because I had no other option.
When I got back to the house the others were already there and neither Alice nor Bella brought up what I had decided. I wasn't so naive as to believe that this meant that Alice hadn't told on me. She had—the look in Bella's eyes whenever she glanced my way was worried and oddly calculating. As I couldn't tell when Bella was inside my head and when she wasn't, I had to keep my mind clear, an exercise I found difficult to the point of impossible. Contrary to what I had expected, Alice wasn't shutting me out like she had before. Instead, she was trying very hard to think of nothing in particular. I got the impression that she wanted me to forget about her foresight, hoping I'd get careless in my planning. If the situation hadn't been so dire, I found have found the fact that Alice was counting on me to forget, or at least not think of, something highly amusing.
Of course I had taken her talent into account and Alice must have known that because I hadn't committed anything yet. Driving to the airport, I considered the options that I had. I had banished every other thought, thoughts about Bella and how what I was about to do—and had already done—would affect our future together, from my mind; I couldn't afford to worry, or be distracted. With Alice watching my every move, the only thing I had done to prepare myself was hack into the database of the City of Anchorage and memorise the blueprints of the airport. Over the last decade it had grown considerably, and I didn't have the time for reconnaissance with Alice and Jasper on my heels. Aside from that, I would have to make it up as I went. Literally.
I refused to even consider the possibility that my plan wouldn't work. I would get on that plane, one way or another. I had to.
But first there was the matter of the spectacle we had to create to convince Victoria's contact at the airport that Bella was leaving Anchorage for good—and on bad terms with the rest of us. Alice didn't know whether the contact was a vampire or a human, but there had to be one, otherwise Alice wouldn't have seen Bella get picked up at the airport in Helena. I hadn't been told the specifics and neither had Alice so that I didn't accidentally pluck it out of her head—she had said it was imperative that I acted as naturally as possible. That meant that I probably wasn't going to like much whatever Bella planned to say or do, but I was consoled by the fact that it wouldn't be real.
In the chaos of mid-morning traffic I had lost sight of Bella's car, but I'd find her again as soon as I reached the airport. Weaving through traffic faster than was wise, I took the right exit for the airport. A conglomeration of differently sized buildings appeared in the distance and behind them the mountains, slightly obscured by this morning's persistent mist. Once off the city highway, traffic became bearable and I really floored it, slowing down as I passed a radar trap; I didn't have time for that this morning.
The closer I got to my destination, the harder I had to fight to keep the thoughts I'd been trying to shut out from drifting back in. They floated around the edges of my mind and although I tried, I couldn't get a hold on them and push them away. It was annoying to the point of infuriating that I was incapable of suppressing unpleasant thoughts; I needed to focus now, not worry about what would or could be. Right now there was nothing more important than getting on that plane—and off it—unnoticed.
I'd rather be apart from her than know she's dead because of me, I told myself as I parked the car. Just hold on to that thought.
Bella wasn't hard to find. Attuned to her scent as I was, it was effortless to pick up on it almost the second I got out of the car. Pretending to be in a hurry, I pushed recklessly through the people streaming towards the elevators, ignoring the angry shouts and angry thoughts that flew my way. To save time I took the stairs, taking care not to move faster than was appropriate for a human. I was alone, but there were security cameras mounted to the walls on every level and I couldn't draw attention to myself. It was a small miracle that the Volturi hadn't stepped in yet. The last thing we needed was for them feel obligated to come here and put an end to this and as they'd probably hold us at least partially responsible for what had happened, we were better off without them here.
Still, the thought of them taking out Victoria and taking care of this mess for us was a nice one.
The flight Bella planned to take was leaving from the south terminal. She had called the airline on the way here as booking days in advance would hardly have been inconspicuous and I found her at the check-in, waiting for the check-in agent to print out her boarding pass. Jacob was standing right beside her, his hand on the small of her back.
A family of five moved into my line of vision and Bella disappeared from my sight. I shoved past them with a half-hearted apology. Even as I hurried towards the check-in I scanned the people around me, looking for Victoria's contact. No mind stood out, which meant he or she wasn't a vampire. A human then. The cacophony of thoughts would take time to sort through and it was fortunate that out plan didn't depend on us figuring out who it was. We just had to deliver a good show.
Jacob angled his body slightly away from Bella, scanning the crowd like I was, his eyebrows knitted together. We hadn't spoken much this morning as he'd been too focused on pack matters and last minute plan changes. He'd been trying very hard to keep his mind busy. Like Alice he'd wanted me to 'forget' that they were on to me, but he wasn't nearly as good at shutting me out as my sister. When his eyes met mine, his face darkened.
No, he wasn't at all happy with me for going behind Bella's back.
I could hardly blame him. He'd chosen to support Bella by accepting her decision, by letting her go. But I couldn't do that because I couldn't risk losing her. It would have been easy to attribute Jacob's willingness to let Bella get herself killed to the fact that he didn't love her as much as I did, but that would neither have been true nor fair on him. He did love her and that was why he did as she had asked. He trusted her to do the right thing.
It wasn't that I didn't trust her. Looking at it objectively, I could see that Bella was right, that we had to end this before it got even more out of hand. We had an opportunity, we needed to use it. It was as simple as that. But it was so easy for Bella to put the needs of others over her own. Even though she was scared she was prepared to go through with this. I admired that, even respected it because I could never be that selfless, but I couldn't accept it. Not this time, not so soon after I had found her again. Living apart from her was one thing, knowing that she was dead because I hadn't been there to save her quite another.
I was aware that I tended to be overly pessimistic, but the way I saw it, a healthy dose of pessimism made sure that you covered all your bases. By expecting the worst possible outcome, you couldn't be surprised and you could prepare for it. That was I was doing. The worst possible case in this scenario was that Victoria killed Bella before we could get to her. By going with her I could at least try to prevent that from happening.
Jacob lowered his head and whispered, "Showtime," into Bella's ear. She nodded once, the pony tail she had gathered her hair into after leaving bobbing up and down. She turned, searching the crowd, and then her eyes locked on me. Her face was smooth, expressionless. I frowned. Alice had worried about my acting skills, but what about Bella's? If the past was any indication, she couldn't deliver a lie if her life depended on it. She must have gotten better at it simply out of necessity, but that didn't mean her performance now would be believable.
Too late to worry about that now, I told myself.
"I thought I told you not to come," Bella said when I finally stood in front of her, her voice as even as her expression. Jacob glared at me from over her head. He didn't have to pretend anything.
"I know," I replied, somewhat relieved I didn't have to come up with an appropriate opening line. Alice should at least have given me a hint. "And I'm sorry, but I think you're overreacting. Please, I'm sure we can work this out. Come home with me."
Bella raised an eyebrow at me. "I'm overreacting? Why am I always the one who's overreacting, Edward? You left me, remember? You lied to me, not the other way around. Still, I forgave you for that because I love you and because I thought you had changed. But you haven't. Not a bit. You had to go screw it up, like you screw everything up when something doesn't go the way you want it to. Well, newsflash—you're not the centre of the universe, Edward. But wait, I am the one who's overreacting, so forget what I just said." With that she spun around, grabbed her passport and her boarding pass off the counter and started towards the security check. Jacob smirked at me before he strode after her with her duffel bag.
She's right, you know, was his not very helpful remark.
I stood rooted to the spot, stunned. What had just happened? This wasn't supposed to be real, only an act, yet Bella had meant every word she had said. She wasn't pretending anything. She was using this opportunity to give me a piece of her mind and despite what I had told myself earlier, her words struck deep.
The thought that keeping her alive was more important than being with her suddenly offered very little comfort.
"Bella, wait!" I called and, remembering how to make my feet move, hurried after her.
"Watch where you're going," a woman snapped as I accidentally stepped on her foot.
"Sorry," I muttered, pushing past her. Another man stepped in my way and I had to manoeuvre around him, only to trip over a stroller. Vampiric speed and grace were of no use in crowds like this and the people around me didn't seem to feel like cooperating; they kept popping up in front of me, forcing me to find a way around them.
Bella was already through security when I finally reached her.
"Wait!" I called again. "Can we please just talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about, Edward," she said impatiently. "I shouldn't have asked you to be honest because clearly you're incapable of honesty. Just leave me alone. I'm sick and tired of you screwing up my life."
The security officer had been following our conversation. Now his arm shot out as I took an automatic step forward. Bella had already disappeared around the corner. Going after her now was a decidedly bad idea, but what if she'd meant it? How could I be sure of her feelings to me after what I had done? Sometimes love just wasn't enough—she had said so on the flight to Chicago. Maybe my decision had been the final straw.
But no. I refused to believe that. Even if she truly wanted to leave me, she'd never do it like this. She'd only said it to make her decision to leave Anchorage more plausible. But that didn't mean that she hadn't meant at least part of what she'd said. Of what she'd accused me of.
"Please step back, sir," the security officer said. I complied unwillingly, but the man kept eying me uneasily. He'd had his fair share of ex-boyfriends and husbands that wouldn't leave their former partners alone and sometimes they did the craziest things. Clearly, he thought I fell into that category.
He was at least partially right. Following your girlfriend by hitching a ride on a plane as stowaway was slightly insane.
By the time I turned around to put my private plan into action, Jacob was gone. He had left so that his presence wouldn't blind Alice. Were she and Jasper already here? Looking for their minds, I came up empty, so they either hadn't arrived yet or were out of reach. I assumed the latter. Bella's flight was scheduled to leave in forty minutes, which meant I only had a few minutes left before they finished loading the luggage. I had to be in the cargo hold before they sealed it.
The question was just how.
While I considered my—very limited—options I wandered aimlessly through the departure hall, making sure that I was surrounded by people at all times. With that many witnesses about, Alice and Jasper wouldn't dare grab me and drag me home kicking and screaming, as they certainly would have preferred.
To get outside I'd have to go one level down and pass through a maze of security areas that I'd only be able to access with a security ID. Disabling the security system would take too long and would also attract too much unwanted attention, not to mention give Alice and Jasper enough time to find me.
I glared at nobody in particular. This would have been a whole lot easier had Alice been on my side. The little girl that happened to stand in front of me stared at me with wide blue eyes, scared by my hostile expression. She clutched her pinkish soft toy that vaguely resembled Winnie the Pooh tighter and began yanking at her mother's sleeve with her free hand. Tears were already welling up.
Way to go, Edward, I told myself, annoyed. She'll probably be having nightmares for the rest of the week.
I forced my lips into a smile, but it didn't have the comforting effect that I had aimed for. The girl started wailing instantly. I spun around before her parents had a chance to see what had upset her and took cover behind a pile of luggage.
I was running out of time and I still couldn't get a read on either Alice or Jasper; they were staying out of reach. As there wasn't much they could do before I had committed to a course of action, I assumed they were waiting for me to make the first move.
I didn't want to make a decision, but I had to. Soon.
And then, as I watched a couple check in, I suddenly had an idea. I didn't know why it hadn't occurred to me before—it was the perfect solution to my dilemma, simple and elegant. If I did this, Alice wouldn't be able to stop me without causing a massive scene and she'd never do that.
Clearly, I had been thinking too complicated again. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.
Sprinting back to the check-in counters, I dug my wallet out of the back pocket of my jeans. I still had my passport on me; I had never put it back in its drawer after flying to Chicago last week. I slapped the passport on the desk along with my credit card. The woman, the same that had checked in Bella earlier, flinched back. She hadn't seen me coming.
"I need to be on that flight to Helena," I told her curtly. No time for getting her to do what I wanted the nice way.
"But the boarding has already begun," she started, then snapped her mouth shut again when I gave her a long, hard stare. Her fingers flew over the keyboard at the speed of light. She wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible. "Economy is full," she said eventually, looking up and then dropping her gaze again when she saw the look in my eyes. Her heart was pounding in her chest. "But I can put you in first class, if that's alright with you, sir."
I looked pointedly at my black American Express card.
She swallowed. Her heart was racing. "I guess it is," she muttered without meeting my eyes again.
Two minutes later I had a boarding pass and was standing in line at the security check. The security officer from before glared at me as I walked through the scanner, assuming correctly that I was planning on following my girlfriend although said girlfriend had made it very clear only minutes earlier that she didn't want me anywhere near her ever again.
Edward, stop! Alice screeched in my head.
Turning, I looked for her and Jasper in the crowd. I discovered them by the elevators, Alice straining in Jasper's grip. She was fuming.
Jasper was torn between admiration and annoyance, though the latter was mostly due to the fact that my actions had the potential to screw up the plan he'd spent days perfecting. Nice move, Edward, he said admiringly. But you do know what Victoria will do if she realises we're trying to trap her, right?
I shrugged.
Alice snarled. Jasper pulled her closer; she looked ready to launch herself at me, and witnesses be damned.
Not to mention that Bella will be beyond pissed, Jasper continued. But I guess it's your funeral. Just make sure you keep up the charade. Hey, maybe you showing up there will it make it even more believable. I really hope so anyway, for your sake. Good luck. See you later. Alice fought him every step of the way as he began steering her away, glaring at me from over her shoulder, her thoughts reduced to a nearly incoherent mess of expletives.
She was not going to forgive me for this anytime soon.
There were only a handful of passengers left when I reached the waiting area and Bella was one of them. Entering, I saw her stiffen and then turn around. She didn't seem very surprised to see me, just unhappy.
No, I corrected myself, she's not unhappy. 'Unhappy' was far too mild a word to describe the expression on her face. My mouth went dry. Somehow it hadn't occurred to me before now that buying a ticket and travelling as a regular passenger meant that I'd have to face Bella again much, much sooner than I had originally planned.
"Alice is pissed," she hissed, her lips barely moving. "And so am I. What the hell were you thinking? Oh wait," she snapped without giving me a chance to explain myself, "you weren't. You never think."
"I…" I began, although I didn't have the faintest idea what to say. She was partially right—I hadn't thought this all the way through, but contrary to what she seemed to believe I had considered the consequences of my actions. At least I thought I had.
Bella didn't let me finish. Her voice was like steel when she spoke, but it was the edge of disappointment to her tone that really hurt. "I don't want to hear it, Edward. I really don't." Grabbing her bag, she spun around and walked away.
~oOo~
My relief when the plane finally lifted off was short-lived. I had succeeded—I was with Bella and I should have been happy, or at the very least satisfied, that things had worked out as well as they had. Instead, a feeling of unease settled in my stomach and grew with every passing mile. The feeling was familiar; after breaking up with Bella, it had been my sole companion, first in Brazil and then in Siberia, constantly questioning the decision that had led me there. At the time I had refused to acknowledge it. I had been hanging on to my sanity by a thread—recognising that I had made a mistake would have sent me over the edge into the abyss, although I must have been aware of it on some level. Doing the right thing shouldn't be so painful and it shouldn't hurt the ones you love.
The feeling was back now and this time I did acknowledge it. In the forest all had seemed so clear to me, but now everything was muddled and confused and blackened by regret and I didn't know what to do anymore. What was the right thing to do? Go home? But the damage was already done and nothing I did now could make it go away. An apology wouldn't change that and I doubted that Bella would even want to hear it. Here I was, doing the very thing I already had apologised for and promised her not to do it again. She'd never believe me, not that I could blame her. What did it say about our relationship, about how I thought about Bella as my partner that I seemed to have no problem going behind her back like this? That I didn't trust her. Probably. That I didn't consider her my equal? Definitely.
I thought of the last time Bella and I had been on a plane together. Since then she had forgiven me, was willing to give our relationship a second chance, yet nothing had really changed. I hadn't changed, although I had sworn to myself that I would try. But I couldn't. I desperately wanted to be for Bella who she needed me to be—who I could be if I left my tendency to control everything behind—but it was so hard and I didn't know how. I had destroyed our relationship once. I couldn't let it happen again.
Yet here I was. Again I had screwed everything up. Last night had been the epitome of happiness for me, sheer and utter bliss. Now I felt that my actions had somehow tarnished these treasured memories; I couldn't look at them without feeling horrible.
Time wouldn't pass.
Jasper texted me, informing me that Alice would skin me the next time she laid eyes on me and that her vision regarding Bella's arrival in Helena was still as clear as before, which meant that so far my interference hadn't changed anything. At least something was working out.
Rosalie texted as well. Why do you have to ruin everything? and How can you be so stupid? were some of the nicer things she wrote.
What the hell is wrong with you? Emmett's text message said.
After Esme's—I'm disappointed in you, Edward!—I switched my cell phone off. It shouldn't have been on anyway.
Twice I worked up the courage to go and talk to Bella, but it left me as soon as I reached the curtain separating first class from economy. I didn't want to leave things like this, but there was nothing I could say.
At some point the clouds below turned charcoal black. Alice had predicted rain for Montana and a massive thunder storm for later that day that would keep any human in his right mind from venturing outside into the wilderness where he might see something he wasn't supposed to.
Why did my decisions always backfire? With the benefit of hindsight, it was easy to see where I'd gone wrong—and easy to regret the decisions that, at the time, I had thought were right—but I also saw that I hadn't learned from my mistakes.
And my biggest mistake wasn't leaving Bella—it was not trusting her to make the right decisions and making decisions for instead of with her. Arrogant as I was, I had assumed I knew what was best for her. It hadn't occurred to me to ask her what she wanted, let alone discuss it with her, knowing she'd demand things that I thought weren't right for her. Like becoming a vampire. But who was I to judge what was right and wrong? I wasn't her father—thank God for that!—and she wasn't a child, yet I kept treating her as such.
Bella's decisions were guided by her sense of right and wrong. She very rarely made the kind of selfish decisions I did. The only thing she had ever wanted for herself, the only thing she had ever asked of me was change her. And I had turned her down over and over again because it wasn't what I had wanted. I'd wanted her to live a happy human life, get married, have children. It was what I had thought she deserved and seeing how unhappy Rosalie sometimes was with the life she led, I had wanted more for her.
But that wasn't what she'd wanted. I should have trusted Bella to know her own mind, but she'd been so fragile, so breakable. I'd wanted to protect her: From the pain of the transformation, from having to leave her parents because staying in touch was too dangerous and from regretting her choice one day. In the end, none of these things had mattered and I wished desperately it was me who'd changed her, not Victoria. The thought of her venom in Bella's body made my skin crawl. But it was too late for that, too late for regrets. The past couldn't be changed and yet it was so very hard to accept that fact.
If I had listened to Bella, had really thought about what she wanted instead of refusing to even talk about the subject of her becoming a vampire, convinced I knew her better than she knew herself, neither of us would have had to go through hell.
I shouldn't have come.
There were a lot of things I shouldn't have done and things that I should have done, starting with doing what I was told. How could I claim to trust Bella and respect the decisions she made when I did the exact thing she'd asked me not to the second she turned her back on me? She'd begged me to stay and still I'd left her. If I had listened to her—or even to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Alice when they tried to talk me out of leaving—then she wouldn't have to face Victoria on her own now. Maybe wouldn't have had to face her at all. Our future could have been certain. If I had changed her, we'd be living our happily ever after now, blissfully happy for the rest of eternity. But I had taken that possibility away from us both.
Now there might never be a happily ever after. I chuckled darkly. Here I was, worrying about the happy ending I wanted our story to have when there was a chance we might not even have a future in which to live it.
Behind me thick fabric swished softly. The air shifted and a familiar scent washed over me. I stiffened, suddenly unable to breathe, but I didn't turn until she said softly, "What she hell were you thinking, Edward?" sounding more resigned—and weary—than angry. Slowly, I turned. Bella just stood there, her arms hanging by her side, her head cocked slightly as if to gauge my reaction, but at the same time she looked as if she wasn't really interested in an explanation, or an apology. Her expression matched her tone. Weary. Reaching up, she pushed a tendril of hair back behind her ear. Her pony tail had come loose and her hair fell around her shoulders again in thick waves of mahogany.
With a sigh, she crossed the distance between us and sat down in the free seat next to me, closing her eyes for a moment as she sank against the backrest. Studying her features, I looked for a trace of her earlier anger, but it seemed gone, replaced by resignation. Then her eyes opened again and I quickly looked away, afraid to meet her gaze.
There was nothing I could say to make things better and I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes that was surely there.
"Or were you even thinking?" she asked me. There was no sting, no edge of bitterness to her voice. Only resignation again and more weariness. As if she was thoroughly sick of everything, including me.
I didn't know how to answer. There was no excuse for my behaviour and yet I feared that everything I said now would sound like one. So I settled for the truth, hoping it would be enough.
"I thought I was," I replied quietly, still not looking at her. "I thought I wasn't acting impulsively and that for once I had thought things through, but I was and I hadn't. I shouldn't have come and I shouldn't have gone behind your back. This was your call. I should have respected that. Instead, I did what I wanted like I always do, with no regard for the consequences.
"I managed to convince myself that I was doing the right thing and that you needed me and that you'd forgive me once you saw that. But the truth is that you don't need me—it's me who needs you, who needs to know that you are safe because I can't lose you, and myself, again. I know it's selfish. It's not very hard to guess what will happen if Victoria figures out what's going on, but I don't care, callous as that sounds. You are the most important thing in my life, Bella, and my top priority.
"Neither of these things excuses what I did. I wish I could promise you that it won't happen again, but that would be a lie and you're right. There can't be no more lies, no more deceptions. I didn't think it would be so hard to be honest." At that, her expression softened and she placed her hand on mine, her touch soft and warm. I curled my fingers around hers, but I fought the crushing feeling of relief. There was one more thing I had to say. "You don't need a protector, Bella," I continued quietly. "You need a partner, someone who supports you in everything you do and trusts the decisions you make. I want to be that person for you, but I'm not sure I can and I'd understand if you didn't want to put up with that for the rest of forever."
I felt Bella's eyes on me as the minutes ticked by. The flight attendant began her second round of beverage service and the fragrant aroma of coffee and tea wafted towards me.
Eventually, Bella sighed. Lifting our entwined hands, she pressed her lips against my knuckles. My skin tingled. "Thank you," she said whispered.
Finally, I looked at her. She was smiling. "For what?"
"For your honesty. It means a lot to me. I love you, Edward, and I'm not going to leave your over this—and don't look at me like that, I know that's what you're thinking." She tapped her fingers against her forehead. She'd been reading my mind again. More than ever I wished I could read hers too. I sensed a 'but' coming and despite my relief that she wasn't planning on giving up on me, my stomach was a knot of anxiety. "But when this is over," she went on, clearly amused by my thoughts, "we're going to sit down and have a very long conversation. About everything."
"That sounds like a good plan," I said, my voice rough.
"We have forever to figure out how to make this relationship work, Edward," she replied softly. Leaning over, she kissed me, just a quick brush of her lips against mine, barely enough to taste her, yet heat spread immediately through my body like fire. "I love you," she whispered into my ear.
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer in a crushing embrace, wishing I would never have to let go. That I wouldn't have to let her go in just a few hours.
"I have something to tell you too," she mumbled into my shoulder. Her fingers were playing with the collar of my shirt; my skin prickled every time she touched me and with her so close it was easy to imagine us somewhere else, somewhere more peaceful. Isle Esme maybe, the island Carlisle had given Esme a few decades ago. Roughly seventy sea miles off the coast of Brazil, it was away from the prying eyes of humans far enough for us to enjoy the warmth and the sun without having to worry about exposure. I imagined us lying at the beach under the azure sky. I had yet to see Bella in the sunlight and I was looking forward to it.
"Hmm?" I asked absently.
The water there was shallow and very warm—not that temperature really mattered, but it was still nice—and a rich turquoise. Coral reefs framed the island, each a different shade of red ranging from crimson to pale orange. On the north side of the island, cliffs jutted out into the sea. The water was deeper there and midnight blue and if you dove deep enough, you'd reach the remains of a small settlement that must have been erected a long time ago, before the sea had claimed that part of the island and swallowed it. Alice and Jasper had discovered it on their last trip to Isle Esme.
"Maybe you could take me there someday," Bella said; again she'd read my mind. As she straightened out of my embrace, the spell broke and the pleasant daydream vanished. "I'd love to see it." She gave me a warm smile. "I really miss the sun."
"I'm sure Esme won't mind," I replied, with a smile of my own.
"I have something to tell you," Bella said then and worry darkened her eyes. "Something which I'm pretty sure you're not going to like."
I laughed humourlessly. "At this point there's nothing I could possibly like less than you going on this crazy mission, so I doubt it'll be that bad."
Bella looked dubious for a moment, then she shrugged. "This morning Alice didn't just come over to rat you out," she ignored my hrmph, "she came because I was having," a brief pause, "an anxiety attack in the shower and she knew that if you saw me like that, you'd freak out."
I blinked, confused. I had talked to her while she was in the bathroom and she'd sounded fine. A little nervous maybe, but that was to be expected, wasn't it? And her hesitation indicated that it had been much, much worse than an anxiety attack. I suddenly understood why Alice had been reciting Milton to shut me out and still let it slip that she knew what I was up to. She'd tried to hide what she'd seen, not that she wanted to tell Bella what I had decided.
"But why wouldn't you tell me something like that?" I asked.
She arched her eyebrows at me. "Edward, would you've let me go if you had found me like that? Cowering in the shower and so terrified that I could barely move? Alice had to carry me back to my bedroom, for God's sake."
I started to say 'yes', then snapped my mouth shut again as I realised that she was right. If I had seen her like that, had seen her going to pieces in front of me, I would have done everything to keep her from going, even against her will. But I didn't want her to be scared. I wanted her to be safe and happy. "No," I admitted eventually, contrite and ashamed. "No, I wouldn't have. I would have found a way to stop you, with no regard for what you wanted."
Bella squeezed my arm. "See? I want to tell you these things. I don't want to keep secrets from you, but I don't…" She drew a deep breath and I suddenly knew that I was not going to like what she'd say next. "I don't trust you, Edward," she admitted. "I want to, but after all that you… after all that has happened I can't. I'm sorry."
There. She'd said it—she didn't trust me. Although this was hardly unexpected, or surprising, it still hurt. But trust needed to be earned and I had done nothing to earn hers and everything to throw it away.
"I'm going to give Alice a call," Bella said into the awkward silence that followed. "I already called her after lifting off, but I couldn't make out more than a handful of words through all the snarling. She's really mad, Edward."
I sighed. My sister's justified anger was a welcome distraction, although I'd probably change my mind about that later. "I know and she has every right to be. I'm an idiot."
"Buy her a gift," Bella suggested.
"Somehow I doubt that'll be enough this time."
Bella shrugged. "Alice loves giving gifts, I bet she loves getting them. Get her another car. One in a less hideous colour."
I snorted. "Yeah, like that would work." In a few months maybe, when the initial wave of anger had faded. Alice was quite capable of holding a grudge if she so chose.
Another shrug. "Just a suggestion. Anyway, I'll be right back. I left my cell phone in my bag." She got up and, in her hurry, moved more swiftly and more gracefully than any human ever could have. Two rows down the flight attendant flinched, startled by Bella's unexpected appearance, and dropped the paper cup she'd just filled up. In her mind I watched it fall in slow motion and hit the armrest of the seat on her left. Black liquid, still steaming, splashed over the passenger's arm. For the fraction of a second nothing happened, then he roared, at the top of his lungs, "Holy shit!"
Every head instantly turned his way. Up front, people got up in their seats to get a better look. Shocked, the flight attendant stared at the mess, hands in front of her mouth. Shit shit shit, was playing in her mind on repeat, interrupted only by an occasional, At least I missed his lap. The passenger was thinking exactly the same, relieved, even though the pain in his arm was worse than anything he'd ever felt.
I started to get up, but Bella was already by his side, gently but firmly pushing the flight attendant out of the way. "I'm Dr Swan," she said, her voice low and soothing, but full of authority and confidence. I could detect no trace of the weariness she'd displayed earlier. "May I take a look at your arm, Mr…?"
"Michael Rosenberg," he pressed out between gritted teeth. "Mike." He forced a smile. "And by all means." He nodded at his arm. "Go ahead."
"Thank you." Bella gave him a quick smile and began peeling away the stained blue fabric of his shirt, careful not to cause him further pain as she rolled the sleeve up his arm. Her nose wrinkled almost imperceptibly at the sour smell of burnt skin.
The flight attendant hovered anxiously behind Bella. "Can I get you anything?" she asked. "An ice pack maybe?"
"Yes, please," Bella replied. "Wrap it in something. And please get me your first aid kit. Edward," she continued as the flight attendant hurried towards the front of the plane, "could you get my medical kit for me, please? It's a black and about this size." She held her hands a few inches apart for illustration. "It's in my bag."
For a moment I just stared at her. She was going after Victoria and had brought a medical kit? What for? The wolves? Then again, Carlisle never went anywhere without his. Force of habit.
Chewing on her bottom lip, Bella looked at me, obviously deliberating something, then she drew a deep breath and her shoulders sagged a little. "For Liv," she explained quietly, looking away. There was no hope in her voice, only stubborn refusal to accept the truth—that Olivia was most likely dead. For that Bella wasn't quite ready yet, but she'd already stopped hoping. Olivia had been gone for a week and a half now and Victoria had no reason to keep her alive.
"I'll be right back," I said softly, wishing there was something I could do to ease her pain. The knowledge that there wasn't sat heavy on my heart.
Bella gave a curt, jerky nod.
When I returned a minute later she had regained her confidence and was pressing an ice pack wrapped in a white cloth on the man's arm, quietly asking him about his job as a travel journalist. The flight attendant was nowhere to be seen, but I could hear her talking to her co-workers about the possibility of a lawsuit.
"Thanks," Bella said as I dropped the kit in her lap. I returned to my seat. Carlisle hated people looking over his shoulder when he worked and I was pretty sure that Bella did too.
As I watched her tend to the injury, I became once again aware of how much she had changed. The Bella I had known nine years ago had always tried to blend in and avoid being at the centre of attention. She hadn't been shy exactly, but lacking the confidence she had now, the kind of confidence that came with being a doctor. Even though I had never seen her work before it was obvious to me that she was good at her job, and that she loved the profession she had chosen.
"You miss it, don't you?" I asked later when she'd wrapped the man's arm up nice and tight and given him a bottle of Tylenol for the pain. "Working with live patients, I mean," I added when she looked slightly confused.
She smiled sadly. "Yeah, I do," she said, sounding weary again. "I guess I should be grateful that my self-control is good enough for me to work at a hospital at all, but it's hard. It's not what I wanted from life. I mean, I know that it's just an interim solution until I have learned to control the bloodlust, but that day's still a long way in the future and sometimes, well, sometimes I'm just so tired of this mess that is my life."
"Your life isn't a mess," I objected. "How can you say that when you have friends and family who love you?"
"Maybe because I'm on my way to confront a homicidal vampire with psychopathic tendencies who will go on yet another killing spree if I don't stop her now?" she asked drily, eyebrows arched. Her lips were twitching; she was trying not to smile.
"Well, if you put it that way it's hard to disagree," I allowed.
Bella chuckled. "I'll be right back," she said then. "Hopefully, Alice can give me something useful. Keep your fingers crossed that she has instructions for me other than, 'Kill my brother first chance you get!'"
"That what she said?" I asked, with a sinking feeling. Alice was so going to make me pay.
Bella smiled sweetly. She was clearly with Alice on this one. No surprise there. "Word for word."
A/N: What do you think? Does Edward finally see the light? Do you think their plan will still work despite Edward's interference? Please review! You know how much I love hearing what you think!