And here is part two of saving Fíli...
XXXVI.
He was all warm and sleepy when he woke up. The fire had burnt down to ember, and the room was nearly dark. Tauriel was sitting next to him, his arm lay heavy around her middle. Her face was relaxed, her eyes open. Kíli sat up, yawning, but she didn't even blink; and he suppressed a shudder. He would never get used to that, he thought. It was unnatural, uncanny, this meditative sleep while awake. A good, solid sleep was closing your eyes and snoring so loud it could shake gems from a stone wall. This was one of many things they couldn't agree on, like the necessity of green food, or of burping aloud.
They were so different, elf and dwarf. And yet they were exactly what each other needed. They had brought both their worlds together. They had made – he let his fingers trace her belly under her clothes and smiled – a dwelf.
Her lashes fluttered and her gaze focussed, turned from peaceful to worried.
"How are you feeling?"
"A lot better." His fingers glided to her hand and lifted it to his lips. "Thank you for comforting me. But you shouldn't stay awake – err, you know, whatever – because of me."
"I can rest like this. I wanted to make sure I was awake should you need me."
"If that's your criterion, you will never sleep again. I will always need you. And once the little one is born, your chances of relaxing will be close to zero anyway. You should sleep now, love. Real sleep." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her temple. "I'm going to the infirmary."
"It is in the middle of night."
He sighed. "Night, day – it doesn't make a difference to him." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I know it's most probably not going to change anything, whether I am there or not. I doubt he knows who is visiting him. But I need to see him. It's tearing me apart, being separated from him like this."
"I think he knows. I think being trapped in the shadow world is like being hidden by a veil. You can hear and you can see what is on the other side, but you cannot reach out to it. Do not lose hope. Fíli will stop dreaming whatever kind of dream holds him in the shadows, and he will find his way back to us."
He looked at her, at her sincere face, her eyes glittering in the warm darkness of their room; and there was such a warm feeling welling up in his chest, so much love and trust; he simply had to take her face in his hands and kiss her, hoping she would understand because he had no words big enough.
The infirmary was silent and dark except for the flickering light of few chandeliers. Kíli dismissed the healer from his nightly watch and sat down on the bed. Fíli looked even more dead in the twilight, and he had to force himself to lay a hand on his brother's forehead. It was too cold, too alien, made his heart beat anxiously and his hand want to recoil. He allowed his fingers to wander to Fíli's hair instead and stroke the thick strands.
"You remember when mum thought we were too old to share a room and made me sleep in the small chamber above the kitchen? I used to wait until the house was quiet and everybody was sleeping and tiptoed to your room every night. I was too afraid without you." His fingers started to braid Fíli's hair on their own. "Nothing has changed since then. I am still afraid without you. I know we are grown-up and have families of our own. I know there are no orcs under my bed. I know the night will end and a new day will be dawning. But I still cannot be without you. I know it's pathetic, but I need you, Fee. Just as your little ones need you." He sighed. "Everybody here needs you. Hrynn. Mum. Every bloody dwarf in Erebor does."
He looked at his brother's face, that well-known, beloved face that now was impassive and limp. He watched his chest that was rising and falling almost unnoticeably with his barely perceptible breathing. He looked for any sign that Fíli was in there. If only there was a way to lift the veil Tauriel had spoken of, to reach Fíli in the shadow world. Kíli sat motionless and staring at the still form of his brother for so long that his muscles started to cramp.
He took off his boots and stretched out his legs on the bed.
"Tauriel thinks you just cannot reach us. I wish it were true. Because it would mean you wanted to come back. I am afraid that you do not want to. That you have turned your back on us. On me. That you are angry with me. Disappointed. I should have known about Katla. I should even have known about Dwoss. I made so many mistakes. Can you forgive me?"
The silence was oppressing.
Why was he doing this? There would be no answer.
He felt so tired. So terribly tired and empty. Lonely. In need of his brother. Kíli curled up next to Fíli, his face buried against Fíli's shoulder despite the chillness under the soft shirt. There was a whiff of healing herbs, of Athelas and chamomile, of the strong alcohol used to clean wounds. But underneath it was Fíli, the familiar scent of pipe weed and smoke, of leather and musk, of pears and sunshine. Kíli nuzzled closer to his brother. Why was it that Fíli always smelled of summer? Even now he smelled as if he had been outside, climbing the farmer's pear trees in Ered Luin and nicking as much fruit as he could carry. If Kíli closed his eyes and inhaled that scent, let his fingers curl in Fíli's sleeve like he had done as a dwarfling, he could pretend everything was fine.
He ignored the ache in his heart, the burning behind his eyelids. He breathed deeply and savoured the memories that the scent carried. The darkness that surrounded him now was no longer terrifying, and Kíli let himself drift into slumber.
And then the darkness slowly faded to be replaced by colours. Green. Blue. Grey. Brown. Scents tickled his nose. Grass. Earth.
Confused, Kíli blinked. He was no longer in the infirmary.
Of course, he wasn't. He was asleep and dreaming.
How could he know that he was dreaming?
Because he knew with certainty that this wasn't real, wherever this was.
Kíli looked around. He was standing on a simple, well-trodden road, lined with farm houses, meadows, trees, engulfed by a high mountain range. It looked nice. Familiar.
He blinked. It looked like Ered Luin.
He blinked again. Yes, this was the surrounding country of Ered Luin. The road to Dunland.
Of course he would be dreaming of Ered Luin. He often did, although not as vividly as this. He could feel the small stones under his feet as he walked down the sandy road that stretched out between bushes and fields and meandered between giant boulders, just as he remembered it. He had travelled it often, back in the days when Fíli and he had offered their services as scouts and escort to merchants. If he wasn't mistaken, there would be a gathering place behind the next sharp bend. And yes, there it was. Ponies were grazing, several carts were waiting to be loaded, the remains of a nightly fire were still smouldering. Kíli's heart jumped to his throat when he saw a dwarf sitting on a cart and smoking his pipe.
How could that be? He was dreaming, he reminded himself. A dream, it was just a dream. And yet…
"Fíli? Is that you?" Kíli couldn't quite get the strain out of his voice as he approached his brother.
"Kíli?" Fíli caught the pipe that had fallen from his mouth absent-mindedly with one hand. "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you. We are worried."
Fíli frowned. "Really? Why?"
"You haven't been home in a while. Mum misses you."
"Mum will be happy when I buy her supplies for the winter. My services are needed and the payment is good. There's another trek south. The merchants want me to escort them, with all the silverware and stuff. Too many orcs have been seen on the Greenway lately. I'll be back in a few moons."
"We have always done that together."
"You cannot come this time." Fíli looked at him solemnly. "You shouldn't even be here."
"Neither should you. We both should go home. Together."
"Home?" Fíli frowned. "This is Ered Luin. I am home. Or maybe I am not. I am not sure."
Kíli took another step forward. "Erebor is your home, this is where you belong."
"I don't know where I belong. I am strangely torn between going back home and taking the Greenway into the unknown. Sometimes I think I want to go even further, to leave all this behind. I am unsure what to do. Never had that before. "
"What does your heart tell you?"
"Heart?" Fíli put the pipe back between his teeth and rubbed his chest. "Dunno. Hurts."
Kíli took another, careful step forward and placed his hand on his brother's knee. As he touched the well-worn leather he felt the warmth underneath it. He had expected coldness, nothingness. A ghost. A memory. But this Fíli, sitting on the cart and now putting his rough hand on his, was real. The cold and limp one in the infirmary was just an empty shell.
He looked up at Fíli who was puffing his pipe, a slight frown on his face. "This is all so strange. I can't remember how I got here. How did you?"
"Followed you."
Fíli smiled, his eyes warm and bright. "I should have known. You always do."
He patted the withered wood next to him, and Kíli obediently climbed the cart and sat down. Fíli smoked silently, his eyes surveyed the gathering place, the mountains, the sky that started to cloud.
"The merchants are right to want me as an escort," he said eventually. "I know every stone, every tree, every bump on the road. I know from where the orcs are most likely to attack. And I know I won't have any trouble to drive them back. They are no match for me. It's money easy earned." He stroke his beard. "It is too easy. Too easy to be true."
Kíli said nothing. He watched his brother intently. Fíli had put down the pipe, is hand rested in mid-air. His eyes were still set on the surroundings.
"It's a good place, Ered Luin. It's a good job, travelling the Greenway. But something tells me, it is not right. Maybe not even real. More like a memory." He put the pipe back into his mouth and didn't notice it had gone out. "I shouldn't be here."
"No, you shouldn't."
A wind came up and tousled their hair.
Fíli sighed. "I feel a yearning sometimes. A pull. As if something was calling me away from here." He dropped his lashes and smiled, a slight flush on his cheeks. "I sometimes dream of a dam, the most beautiful you could ever imagine. She begs me to come back to her. She tells me that she loves me, that she needs me. She says I'm Amralîmé." He looked at Kíli with a mixture of sadness and embarrassment. "Stupid, huh?"
"No."
Fíli shook his head. "Most likely I will never marry. There are so few dwarrowdams, and what do I have to offer? I make a decent living. But so do many others, better in fact. I don't think I can win a lass' heart because I can wrestle down a boar with my bare hands. I'm not bad at the forge. That's about it. Not much to attract a female."
"Idiot." Kíli shoved him in the ribs and marvelled at how natural that teasing felt. "Have you got any idea how many lasses in Ered Luin alone fancy you?"
Fíli grinned. "Yeah. They think I'm Thorin's heir and may become king someday. And what is that telling about their character? That they are just as greedy and stupid as trolls. No thanks. I want someone who loves me. Someone special. Like the dam I see in my dreams."
"What if I tell you she was real? Crying her eyes out over you?"
"Skip it."
"I could show you."
Fíli swallowed. "How?"
"Come with me."
"No. Not yet. Maybe in a little while. I don't think I can leave just now." He gestured at the sky that had darkened. "Look, a storm is brewing. It is dangerous to travel in such a weather."
"Since when do you care?"
"It is my duty to watch out for my people. I have to ensure their safety, their well-being. Being king is a lot like being a father, you know. You have your hands full." He smiled. "I guess I should be grateful that my subjects don't play pranks on me like Fynn and Freya do. They are even more wicked than we were at their age." Then he frowned, aghast. "What am I talking about?"
"You remember who you are."
"A father? I might even believe that. It feels so…" He rubbed his chest again. "It hurts. Even so, it feels right. But King? Thorin is king."
He leapt down from the cart and ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly agitated. "Tell me, he is. Please. Tell me he made it to Erebor and sits on the throne, the raven crown on his head and the Arkenstone in his hand. Tell me, everything is good."
He looked at Kíli, and the severe weather that was brewing around them was nothing against the storm raging in his eyes.
"Kíli?" His voice was pleading.
The first raindrops fell, thick and heavy.
"He is dead," Fíli said tonelessly. "Thorin is dead."
"Yes." Kíli's voice was strangled.
"He died in battle," Fíli continued in a flat voice. "We all fought in a battle. Against orcs and goblins. And Thorin died."
Rain splattered on Fíli's face now. It looked like tears.
"Why did you make me remember that? I don't want to remember that. It hurts. It burns. How can I live with that? We took an oath to defend him with shield and body, but we didn't. I didn't. You didn't." Fíli looked up at him. "Why didn't you? I told you to. You could have saved him."
"I couldn't." Kíli's voice was hoarse.
"Because you defended me. You should have left me. It was my own fault I was injured. I made a fatal decision, I fought poorly. I should have died. I didn't deserve to be saved. Not like Thorin. You should have abandoned me."
"You are my brother. I belong with you."
Fíli's mouth twisted in a sad smile. "I said that once."
"I won't forget that. You stayed with me when I needed you most."
"Didn't make any difference."
Thunder rolled over them, and the wind tore at their hair.
"It made all the difference."
"How?" Fíli looked at him, and the wetness on his cheeks was no rain. "It wasn't me who saved you. The elf did."
"I thought I was going to die. And it was nothing like I ever imagined. It wasn't glorious, or heroic, and I was not brave. I was so scared, Fíli. But you were there, holding me, and somehow it no longer seemed such a frightening way to go. Because I knew you would stay with me till the end."
Fíli opened his mouth and shut it again. He shook his head, and his usually so lustrous golden hair fell wet and stringy over his eyes.
"You see more in me than I am."
"Maybe. But if I do, it is because you never failed me. You are my hero, my king. Always have been, always will be."
"I am no king. It should have been Thorin. He should have been King under the Mountain." Fíli's voice was barely audible in the downpour.
"No, he shouldn't." Kíli took a deep breath and balled his fists. What he was about to do felt like betrayal. It was the truth, nonetheless. "He was our uncle, and a good leader. We always trusted him to do the right thing, and he always did. Until he became ensnared by Erebor's riches and the Arkenstone. On the battlefield, when he rallied dwarves, men and elves; when he stopped Azog from leaving Ravenhill; when he gave his life to buy us time – that was when he was acting like a king. He was a better king in death than in life."
Fíli stood very still. The rain was pouring down on them mercilessly now, the storm made the horses shy and the wooden carts creak. Kíli climbed down from the swaying cart and approached his brother carefully.
"Unlike you. You always care for the need of your family, your friends, your people. You always stay true. You would never betray any of us. You are the strongest and bravest dwarf I know."
Fíli shook his head. "I am not brave. I lack your courage to follow one's heart. You were the only one who openly countered Thorin. We all questioned his decision to deny help to the people of Laketown. But you were the only one who spoke it out aloud."
Kíli shrugged. He hadn't thought of that in a long time. "It just felt wrong."
"I know. But I didn't contradict Thorin. I didn't protect Bilbo."
"Yeah, you did."
"Not like I should have."
"You refused to kill him. You and Bofur helped him to get away. It was a lot more than the rest of us managed to do, we were frozen to the spot in dread. And when I was shouting at Thorin? Well, that was not helping. You tried to reason with him in private, that was a lot more sensible."
"Didn't bring him to his senses, though."
"How do you know? Something did. How do you know it wasn't you? You know how to say the right things, how to give hope. So many dwarves look up to you, admire you, love you. They listen to your judgement, they follow your ideas."
"It is so much responsibility," Fíli whispered. "So many lives that are entrusted to me. I don't know if I can do that."
"Think of it as a trek on the Greenway that you are escorting. You lead the way. All you need to do is to keep an eye on the road and watch out for possible dangers. It is the same, really."
Fíli smiled suddenly. "It's a little bigger. But I am a good escort."
"No one better."
"Will they forgive me?"
"Who? What for?"
"Everybody I disappointed. I know I have been weak. Erebor has been taken away from me, and I didn't… I didn't…"
"It was stolen from you. And everybody fought to set things right again. You, me, the dwarves of Erebor, even the mountain itself. You haven't been weak, and there is nothing to forgive. On the contrary. You called upon Erebor with the last of your strength, and she listened to you. She crushed our enemies."
"It worked?" Fìli's voice was breathless.
"Of course, it worked. Erebor has long since welcomed you as her king. Same as everybody."
"But I ran back to Ered Luin like a coward. I would have stayed here, not even remembering anything, hadn't it been for you. I would have left Hrynn. My children. What sort of a husband and father am I?"
"A good one, Fee."
"I don't know. Doesn't feel like it." Fíli's broad shoulders sagged. "I brought shame to Durin's Line."
It was a reflex more than anything. Before Kíli could even think about it, he punched is brother right in the face. And it was a good punch. His knuckles hurt mightily.
"Dammit!" Fíli covered his nose. "That hurt!"
"You deserved it. No one talks about my brother like that."
"Once a hothead, always a hothead. Should have known." Fíli palpated his nose and tried to still the bleeding with his sleeve. "That was not a bad punch for someone as skinny as you are."
"I'm a lot taller than you are."
"And a lot uglier."
"Want another one?"
"No, this one will do." Fíli smiled, despite the blood that dripped down his intricate braided moustache. "Thank you for resetting my thickheaded skull. I needed that, it seems."
"Anytime." Kíli put a hand on his brother's chest. "What does your heart say now?"
"It aches to go home. The real home."
The echo of thunder rolled down the mountainside, and the ponies bolted.
Fíli looked up at the sky. "Let's leave this place before the thunderstorm gets us."
"Agreed!" Kíli had to shout over the storm.
The wind had grown so heavy now, it felt like a solid wall in front of them. They had to lean against it to walk. A bolt of lightning struck a tree right in front of them. Another thunderbolt lightened the nearly black sky in a flash. And then the mountain began to crumble and a giant avalanche rolled down to consume anything in its wake.
"Run, you fools!" That was Gandalf's voice from out of nowhere, filling the sky above them, rumbling louder than the rolling thunder, and echoing from the mountains.
They tried, but the soil under their feet seemed like quicksand suddenly, and Kíli stumbled and would have fallen hadn't his brother caught him and yanked him upwards again. The booming noise coming from behind was nearly unbearable now. Kíli turned his head and wished in the same instant, he hadn't. The entire mountainside was coming down. It looked like a flood of stone ready to overrun and crush them. There was no way to outrun the avalanche. In less than a few heartbeats they would be buried under stone and be trapped forever.
Fíli pulled at his arm. "Don't," he panted. "Don't even think about letting it get you!"
Another lightning lit the path right in front of them, it was wide and blinding bright, and while Kíli was squinting, Fíli hesitated not even a second. The grip of his fingers around his brother's arm tightened as he jumped and dragged him along. The next instant the avalanche rolled over them. Kíli thought he saw hands that tried to catch them and drag them back into the storm and maelstrom of stone, but then they were swallowed by white light and everything went still.
Kíli gasped. His heart was beating so fast as though it wanted to burst out of his chest. He opened his eyes widely.
He was in the infirmary. And right next to him, gaping for air and jolting upright, was Fíli, his hand clutched tightly around Kíli's arm.
They looked at each other, confusion mixed with realisation and relief. And then they embraced tightly.
"Durin's beard," Fíli coaxed, "I had the strangest dream."
Kíli said nothing. He was too busy hugging his brother and marvelling at how warm and alive Fíli felt, when he suddenly had the distinct feeling of being watched. And he had a good idea by whom.
He disentangled from their embrace and looked around. And yes, there was Gandalf, leaning on his wooden staff, a twinkle in his gentle blue eyes and a smile on his face.
"Run, you fools?" Kíli glared at the wizard. "Is that your idea of helping those who need your guidance in a perilous situation?"