Bonne Année 2007 tout le monde et meilleurs voeux! Happy new year 2007 everyone and best wishes!! I'm back still a little destroyed from my party -I haven't slept yet and I just came back from my trip, I was in the end of the world so no internet and I was lucky if I could call my family with my cell ;)... Anyway I'm back for a little update , the least I can do for this new year. I wish you the best, happiness, love, and everything you hope for this new year. Thank you for your reviews you are awesome!!

Enjoy ;)

So

ps: Maximillian I got your point, but don't worry if I had taken Sara's side so far it's because I wanted to explore her dark side only after bringing her with Catherine...

Chapter 35: Sara

I am officially brain dead.

Let me get things straight. Cath and I went out today with Cake. We went at the theatre and then we had dinner before dropping Cake at a friend and heading back to Catherine's home. Or should I just say home. You see the thing is that Catherine just asked me to move in with her, I feel like it was a lifetime ago but I'm pretty sure it was only something like two minutes ago.

My mind just went blank at that moment out of surprise and overdose of joy. I mean, this is way too good to be true. Somewhere I'm sure I'm just daydreaming. I'm still recovering from the fact that I'm with her and that she actually loves me back, but this, this is just the cherry on top of the cake. Too much good things is a little suspicious for me, makes me think that I must have been a saint in a previous life because there's no way I deserve what I actually have.

"Honey, please say something."

"Something." I hear myself say in a whisper.

Not the smartest thing to say because Catherine starts to bolt out of the kitchen but I catch her before she gets to the living room. She looks pretty upset. And I just start to feel my synaptic connections working again.

"Bad time for jokes, sorry." I start. She doesn't look at me. "You're serious about that?"

"Look if you don't want to I'll understand, it might be too fast. It was a stupid idea, just forget it ok." She says to the wall she's looking at.

"This is the most beautiful gift someone ever made me. And there's nothing I want more than living here with you." I say without breathing.

"Sara, just forget it ok I know I shouldn't have... What?" She brings her gaze to my eyes.

"Yes I would like very much to move in with you." I repeat.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to." She says unsure.

"Cath, this is what I want." She scrutinizes me for a moment. "One condition though."

"What?"

"I want to be sure Lindsey is ok about that first."

She smiles brightly and kisses me passionately.

xxxxx

So I've moved in with Catherine last month and well life couldn't be any better. We agreed on a deal. I keep my apartment as a safety just in case it doesn't work well, in case it's effectively too fast for us to live together. Of course we had to adjust things a little but generally speaking everything is working like a charm so far.

We told the boys at work about us two days ago around a dinner. They took the new pretty well, I have to say. First there's been a long stretched silence and blank stares. Then Warrick announced happily to Greg and Nick that they owed him fifty bucks. Can you believe it?!

Men!!…

The first bet was for when Catherine and I would fight physically and the second one was for another kind of physical involvement. They're unbelievable!!

A part of me wanted to kick their asses badly, and I would have done it if Grissom hadn't reasoned me about it not being a good idea. But I don't care because I'm pretty sure that Cath will give Nick and Warrick nice decomps for their next cases, so I let them have fun.

Grissom was happy for me, and Greg told me that he was glad that it was Catherine and not some loser like Hank. As for Warrick and Nick as big brothers they just told me that they only want their 'little sister' to be happy.

xxxxx

Tonight Cake is at Nancy, so Cath and I are enjoying a little privacy. We've been teasing each other in foreplays for a little while now. She's kissing my neck, and suddenly there's that old smell filling my nostrils, my body tenses immediately as I have a flash back.

"Honey?" Catherine asks me concerned. "Did I hurt you?"

My eyes are wide open, yet I can feel my fears trying to creep back onto the surface. Focus Sara, you're with Catherine. I take a deep breath and try to set my pulse down.

"No, you didn't."

"Is everything ok?" She asks.

"Yeah." I kiss her to be more convictive.

I fight the nausea and I fight my memories now isn't the time for letting them overpowered me. 'You're with Catherine, you're with Catharine', I keep repeating myself. Catherine pulls away and looks at me strangely.

"Sara, are you sure everything is ok?"

No, everything is not ok. I need to forget and I need to feel. There's this feeling I hate that is slowly taking possession of me. I start to shake slightly as I'm becoming everything I don't want to be. As I start to lose control of myself. My vision becomes blurry and there's rage burning my skin. I start to squeeze Catherine waist a little hard.

"Sara?" Her voice is a mix of fear and misunderstanding. Sweet melody.

I start to kiss her violently, my caresses become aggressive. For some reason I'm seeking for violence and pain. I'm plunging straight in the dark side inside me and free all those things I've learnt to bottle up. My desire is insane, I know it but a part of me is enjoying it and that part is actually erasing all my good sense. Right now I don't see Cath as my lover, I see her as my prey.

Catherine doesn't understand what's going on but she doesn't complain. Instead she's giving me back all that violence. I don't know if she's enjoying this, but she's not stopping me. Our embrace is wild, it's like we were fighting each other. I end up biting her almost to the blood on her shoulder when she comes, while she digs her nails into the flesh of my back racking it without ceremony.

xxxxx

Catherine is lying in my arms sleeping trying to recover from our embrace earlier. I can't sleep, I keep thinking of what I've done. I'm disgusting myself right now. This is not who I am.

I fucked Catherine. This wasn't anything but raw sex, it wasn't about feelings, this wasn't lovemaking, it was nothing but raw dirty sex. I feel nauseous just thinking that I have stained our relationship like that. How could I do that to her when I love her?

I get out of bed trying to calm my nerves. I take a shower because I feel dirty right now. Disgust is sweating from all my pores. I let water running on my body but I know it's useless as I know all the feeling of disgust is inside.

After my shower I go sit on the ledge of the kitchen window and watch outside trying to make sense to what happened. I'm fearing what is to come.

I've just opened Pandora's box. Nothing's good can come out from this. I know what's coming, me going back to my very personal hell.

It's a regular thing with me. Whenever everything is fine I start to have crises. The firsts are pretty inoffensive so to speak but then it gets from bad to worse. Generally I would isolate myself so I can regain control of myself. I don't trust myself, I know what's on my mind and honestly I'm scare of what I could do. I can afford losing control. I know I can be dangerous for people around me. That's why I always manage to be alone when I feel crises coming, that way the only person I hurt is me. Plus I won't have to explain what's going on.

How can you possibly explain that sometimes it's like you were back in the arms of you tormentor. Back in the places you fear the most? How can you possibly explain that without people thinking you are mad?

I can't tell that to Catherine. I don't want to turn away from her either. I'm trapped and it's just a question of time before I start suffocating, with all my mess.

xxxxx

"Good morning." I say flatly. I don't bother turning around to acknowledge Catherine presence. Truth to be told I don't feel like I can face her. I haven't moved from my spot against the window for hours.

"How do you know I was here?" She asks me, I can hear the amusement in her voice.

"Told you I didn't like feeling observed." My tone is far from being kind.

I turn to her and see hurt in her eyes. Great. She averts her eyes and starts to make some coffee. She busies herself making a breakfast. There is tension in the room enough to choke in it. She's risking some nervous looks at me every minute. I feel like she' was afraid of me, I can't blame her. I can see the angry mark of my teeth on her shoulder and disgust flows again in my veins.

"I'm sorry." I say breaking the silence.

"What for?" She asks surprised.

"Losing control like I did." I look at her shoulder again. "For treating you like I did."

She stands and comes next to me. There's confusion in her eyes. "I didn't complain." She says smirking a bit.

"I didn't let you that option." I spit out sickened and avert my eyes from hers.

She frowns and I can feel her looking at me intently. "Honey, last night might have been rough but I was willing." She caresses my face and force me to look at her again. "I could have stopped you at any moment but I didn't, because I wanted it as well. Trust me."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You didn't." Not yet is the mental response that resounds in my head.

She just takes me in her arms and holds me. I know this doesn't make much sense to her but I can't explain the rest. I don't want to lose her.

xxxxx

Things are a little bit awkward since my little crisis two weeks ago. I feel uneasy around Catherine. It takes me time to relax to her presence. I don't think she has noticed it – if she did, she's chosen not to mention it – but honestly it disturbs me. So I'm thinking and doubting of my ability to give her something good in this relationship.

"Are you ready to head home?" Catherine asks me in the locker room.

She has stuck around a bit to wait for my shift to end.

"Yeah. But if you don't mind we have to stop at my apartment there's something I need to take."

"Sure. I'll wait for you by the car."

The ride to my place is silent. I'm lost in my thoughts, I'm trying to figure out how I can fix my little problems.

"Honey?" Catherine's voice takes me away from my reverie.

"Yeah?"

"We're here." She states.

She's about to exit the car but I hold her back and kiss her. I pull away and she smiles to me.

"Why was that for?" She asks.

"I just wanted to." I shrug.

We exit the car. I take her hand in mine and we walk to the entry of my building. I feel like we weren't alone.

"At last I'm in heaven." A male voice says behind us. It can't be.

My heart starts to beat faster. There's only one person who greets me that way. I don't turn around but I answer.

"Heaven? Young man you must be mistaken."

"No doubt, I'm in heaven for I can see you my personal Eden." The voice answers me back.

God I've missed this voice. I feel a smile forming itself on my lips. I let go Catherine's hand and turn around slowly. Surely he's there standing in front of me. He doesn't move, he just waits for me to make the first step, as always. And I do. I walk slowly to the man and stop only two feet away from him. Our eyes are locked, you wouldn't believe all the things we're saying to each other at this very moment. Those green eyes used to be my only reason to breathe.

I take him in my arms and instantly I feel his arms encircling my waist. He lifts me up from the ground and hold me hard enough to hurt but I don't mind. The world just disappears around us. It's strange how hold habits stay. This embrace is as perfect as it has always been. After a moment he puts me down the ground we break the embrace but not the proximity.

Lovers once, lovers always will be.

Our faces are only inches away. One of his hands is cupping my cheek the other is still on my waist.

"Hello." He simply says with a soft smile.

"Hello." I breathe out. "How? When?"

"Plane and car, just an hour ago." He answers logically. He puts his forehead against mine. "I've been missing you Sunshine."

"I've been missing you too."

We finally break our embrace, putting some space between us and letting the world reappearing around us. I realize that Catherine is there.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet." I announce. I turn around I take his hand and lead him to Catherine. "Catherine this is Travis Carter, my best friend. Travis this is Catherine Willows."

Travis looks at me with a knowing look before taking the hand of Catherine. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too" Catherine answers.

Something's hit me and I realize why I'm here.

"The phone call." I state with a chuckle.

Travis turns to me and smirks "I just wanted to be sure you would come here."

I just shake my head at that. "You still have your keys?" I ask him.

"Sure." He replies.

"Well go on and make yourself comfortable." I pause and think of something. "Do you want me to come with you to set yourself down?"

"Nah, it's ok. I'll be fine."

"Alright then."

He hugs me again. "It's good to see you again."

"Ditto."

"I just wanted to let you know I was there, now that it's done, I'll let you two go I'm sure you have better things to do. I call you later." He says.

"Sure."

He hug me briefly and kisses me on the cheek. "Bye Sunshine." He extend his hand to Catherine who returns the gesture. "Catherine."

Then he takes his bag and head to my apartment.

I can't believe he's here. I'm so glad he's here.