A/N - so this one is based off the Episode The Seventh Child (S7 Ep19) - Not any major spoilers so if you haven't seen it it shouldn't be a problem and a slight change to the story line of the episode since I've messed up canon time lines and this happens much sooner in my story than in the show.

The change from the show is that Callen doesn't know his name so Nadir can't call him that at the end - I've included what happened between them in this chapter so you'll know what's in my version.

hmurray1 - this one's for you. I don't know if it's what you were looking for but I hope you at least enjoy it.

Looking forward to hearing what you all think of this one. Enjoy.

Chapter 36 - No pineapple

Callen knew it was Jessie at his door before he opened it. The pizza box on the other hand was a surprise. It was usually him who arrived on her doorstep with food. The smell wafted toward him and his mouth started to water.

"That smells like my favourite," he said.

"It is," Jessie confirmed. "No pineapple either."

Callen raised an eyebrow. "At all?"

"At all."

Callen stepped back and let her in. He wasn't quite sure what was going on but he knew something was up because Jessie skipping pineapple on pizza was unheard of. He, personally, didn't like it but they'd settled into a pretty happy place with the half and half options.

Jessie turned around as Callen closed the door. "Where do you want to eat?" she asked.

Considering his limited furniture, perhaps he should look into a couch at least sometime, there weren't too many comfortable options. "It's nice out back."

Callen stopped in the kitchen for paper towel and drinks before he followed her out to his deck. He was curious how long it would take before her reason for being here would come out.

Jessie had already put the pizza on the small table that sat between the two loungers he had out there. Usually he was out here with a beer and Sam. This was a touch different. Callen handed her a soda and put his beer down on the deck just beside his seat and watched her settle on the other one. The silence was unusually heavy between them. He knew she had something to ask, or tell, but she stayed silent for two full slices and surprisingly he couldn't take it anymore.

"Why are you here Doc?"

Jessie turned her head to look at him. She didn't answer straight away but this silence was at least usual; the silence when she was finding the words she wanted to say. He waited and studied her face while he did. Concern, worry and something that resembled curiosity only more serious on it.

"I should say," Jessie finally said, "that I'm here to check on you after you spent all that time in the water tank."

He'd felt almost numb by the time he'd gotten out and spent a good length of time in a hot shower afterward.

"But," Callen prompted when Jessie paused for too long.

"Nadir wanted to call you by your first name."

Callen had a feeling he knew what was coming or at the very least the general direction that the conversation would take. Connecting with Nadir had taken a lot yesterday. He'd had to pull on emotions and events that he rarely let surface and he had no doubt Jessie would've picked up on that. "He did."

"But you don't know it."

"You know that." Callen had promised Nadir that when, not if, he found out what it was he'd let him know. He hoped it was a promise he wasn't destined to break.

"In the talks we've had," Jessie said, "you're never told me how that makes you feel."

Callen shrugged. "It's just a name."

Jessie sat up and turned to face him. "You don't believe that G. Names are an important part of who we are."

Yes and his was a letter and he'd never quite resigned himself to it being his name, even though it felt like it. There was this part of him that didn't quite feel whole not knowing. Though given how long he'd lived with G, he wasn't even sure if gaining the information would change anything. Few people called him G. Mostly it was Callen. Those who did though -. He cut off the thought there.

"I'm more than an name," Callen told her. "So are you."

Jessie frowned.

"I still don't know why not Jess," he added. The pain that flared in her eyes was hidden quickly. Not quick enough. He saw it.

"I'm not here about me."

Typical deflection but he wasn't having it this time. Callen sat up and turned to face her. They were almost close enough for their knees to touch.

"You're more than a name too Jessie," Callen said. "What you went through in your childhood has made you who you are."

"You too yet…" Jessie trailed off.

"What?"

"You haven't told me much," she said, "but I get the feeling most of it was … bad."

Callen knew from the pause that she'd had to think what word to use. She'd erred on the conservative side with her choice.

"Most of it was." He wasn't about to give her a more accurate word for it.

Jessie leaned forward slightly. "So how," she said softly, "did a … bad childhood create such a good and caring man?"

It was question he had no clue how to answer. To tell her he wasn't good would mean telling something he swore he would never tell anyone. He also didn't want to talk about his childhood. Callen rose to his feet and walked over to stand by the railing around the deck. He stared out over the garden he played in for three glorious months when he was here with Alina. He could almost see her running around trying not to be caught by him. Almost hear her little light laugh when he had. This had been the most home like place he'd ever been, that he could remember anyway.

Callen felt rather than saw Jessie come and stand next to him. There was something about her presence that he was tuned into. She wasn't even close enough to brush against him or even for him to feel the heat radiating from her body, but he knew exactly where she was and how much distance was between them without even looking.

Callen had no idea what to say. He knew Hetty coming into his life not long before he'd been old enough to leave the system had had a big impact on how he'd turned out but still, that was after many number of years of hell. So now it was back to his turn to deflect again.

"How did you losing your parents like you did," Callen said, "then living for ten years in a home without love create you? Those years must've been hard and dark too. Yet here you are," Callen turned to her. "You hurt when we hurt. You hurt when others hurt that you don't even know. I'm guessing you were hurting for those kids and Nadir yesterday. And yet the only really dark think you've shared is when your parents died." It may have been the darkest and most horrific thing to happen in her life, but with the childhood he'd had, he knew dark didn't necessarily have to mean violent.

"You want to know the rest of mine?" Jessie asked.

"I won't say no." He wanted to know everything she was willing to share, and more.

"There wasn't a whole lot of darkness G. Sad? Yes. Lacking in Love? Yes. Lonely? To some degree, but I had Trevor. I had my rock, always. What did you have?"

"Not a whole lot of darkness isn't none."

Callen saw the frustration flare in Jessie's eyes. He knew she wanted him to talk and this was a very rare moment where she actually pushed a little. It had put him on the defensive and, as the saying goes the best defense is a good offensive. Except his defense wasn't so much about not wanting to talk. He found it much easier to share things with her in a way that was new and comforting and safer than he'd ever expected. But opening up about his childhood wasn't something he wanted to do. He didn't want to go back there. He liked that he'd very effectively locked it away, even if it wasn't the healthiest way to deal with things because there were times like yesterday when it came back to bite him. But aside from that he didn't want to hurt her and he had no doubt that telling her the bad things that had happened to him when he was young would do just that. When Jessie hurt, when she cried for others, it came so close to breaking his own heart, and given how locked away that was, that was rather unsettling.

"What do you want from me G?" Jessie asked, the frustration in her voice as well as her eyes. "Do you want me to spill all the times I cried? All the times I felt alone and wondered if I was really lovable? Because sure, there were lots. I missed my parents so much. I'd have nightmares about what happened. Would wake up screaming and nobody came to comfort me. If it hadn't been for the DEA appointing me a therapist for as long as I needed I probably wouldn't be here right now. Those who were supposed to love me didn't. Those I thought did, most didn't after all. Nothing I did could change their minds, no matter how good I was, how quiet I was or what marks I got at school. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, couldn't understand what I'd done to make them hate me, still can't."

And there it was. The non-violent darkness that could tear someone apart inside almost more effectively, though much slower, than a bullet could.

Callen focused on just one of the new things that she'd revealed. "Who did you think loved you but didn't?"

Jessie turned her head away and let out a long sigh before she answered.

"Trevor's parents. They showed their true colours when he told them he was gay."

She'd hinted at this a long time ago.

"What did they do?"

Jessie put her hands on the railing and took another deep breath. She looked back to him as she spoke. "Aside from kick him out, they blamed me. You see they knew before he told them. They didn't want it to be true so they had written me in to the role of savior because we spent so much time together. They figured given time, as we got older and hormones came into play, he'd see me as something else and 'get over it' and be normal again."

"But he didn't."

"No. Because there was nothing wrong with him in the first place."

Callen knew there was more but he gave her a moment; the emotion had been strong in her voice with the last comment.

"What else did they do?" he asked eventually.

"They'd made me feel like a part of their family. Not like a daughter exactly but certainly accepted. The last few years they tended to leave Trevor and I alone and seemed happy when I was there so often. I didn't realise why until that day."

Jessie folded her arms across her chest and closed her eyes. Callen saw how tight she held her arms, could almost feel the tension that radiated from her, and a sense of dread settled in his stomach.

"If you'd just fuck him he'd get better," she whispered, eyes still closed.

It took Callen a moment to respond to her words unsure that he'd heard her right. "What?"

Jessie opened her eyes and looked at him. He saw the pain in them, the shine of tears, and almost reached out to her.

"That's what Trevor's father said to me. And that was the moment it all shattered." The tears were so close to falling, her words unsteady as she continued. "My world as I knew it changed and once again it barely took minutes. When the dust settled, all that was left was my rock. Grounding me, keeping me from shattering even as his world shattered too. Trevor and I against the world." She smiled even though a tear slid down her cheek. "And it continued with Trevor's fist in his father's face, followed by his mother telling us to leave and never come back. Only two sentences to change our entire world."

"I'm sorry." There was nothing else Callen could say. At least not to her. There were plenty of things he wanted to say to Trevor's father, and most definitely to Trevor - in very different ways. He was very much looking forward to eventually meeting Trevor in person. The timing hadn't been right the couple of times he'd been out for a brief visit.

Jessie stared at him for a few moments before she closed her eyes again and took a couple of slow, deep calming breaths. She wiped the tears from her cheeks before she opened them again; the tears and pain had thankfully eased somewhat though weren't completely gone.

Jessie stepped closer to him. "Do you want to know why I want to know about your childhood?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to know you. All of you. That little boy who lost his parents? How did he survive that? And the childhood that followed. How did the teenage boy rebel when he didn't have parents to rebel against? How did he handle that first crush with no father to turn to for advice or mother to comfort him when it all went wrong?"

Jessie stepped a little closer and now Callen could feel the heat of her body near his, though they weren't touching.

"What hurt you?" Jessie continued. "Who hurt you? And who gave you enough that you are who you are now rather than someone not so good? Why are you the man who will hold me when my heart breaks and I cry over a child who I have never even spoken a word to?" The tears were threatening to spill again. "The man who took the time to help me fight my own fears even though he barely knew me? Who puts his life on the line every single day for those he doesn't know and doesn't even flinch when it's entirely possible he might not see the end of the day because he's staying right beside a scared child and risking being blown up himself?" Jessie shook her head. "And don't try and deny it because I heard you promise him you'd stay and you don't make promises you don't plan on keeping."

And if her voice hadn't hitched and that tear hadn't escaped maybe, just maybe, he'd have stood a chance to keep protecting her.

Jessie stepped back and wiped away the tear.

"I won't run. I can handle it G. Not matter how bad it is. Maybe one day you'll realise that and can answer those questions for me … Maybe one day you'll realise I don't want to be protected from the harsh realities of your life; past, present or otherwise. That I want to know you. And when you can," Jessie stepped back further, "I'll be there. Just come find me." She turned and walked toward the door that would take her inside and away from him. Callen couldn't let her go and he knew there was only one way to keep her from leaving right now. And it was entirely up to him. All he had to do was be brave.

"Cricket bat."

Callen saw her hand still on the door at the quiet words. Jessie slowly turned to face him.

"A broom handle."

Jessie started to walk back to him, one step with each admission that fell from his lips.

"A saucepan but never a frying pan. And the cliche leather belt."

And now Jessie was right there in front of him.

"The garden rake was tricky to avoid but it helped that by then I'd gotten pretty good at ducking the beer bottles."

The words kept coming. He couldn't stop them. Didn't want to stop them anymore. At least not with her.

"Of course fists were the easiest and simplest for them to use. And not just for the men."

A fresh tear slid down one of her cheek. Callen's eyes followed it as he kept going.

"There was one place, only spent one night there. One sleepless night with my back against the door because there wasn't any furniture to push against it to stop him getting in - their son had a thing for knives."

The tears were now on both her cheeks.

"Want me to keep going?" Callen asked her. He wasn't quite sure whether he was looking for a yes or a no.

"Yes," Jessie whispered.

Of course it would be yes, because no matter how much the words he was saying hurt her, no matter how painful the thoughts those words he said put into her head were, his Jessie was brave and caring and wasn't thinking about any of those things. Just about him, just about giving him what he needed, even though until her he hadn't needed it. Until her, until this very moment, locking it away had been the right thing for him; the only way he could survive it. So Callen kept going, hating the fact that he was hurting her but knowing at the same time that telling her all of this would not only help him but also show her something - just how much he trusted her.

"I had a TV thrown at my head once. It missed but the follow up was probably worse. Baseball bat to the legs so I couldn't run." He could still remember clearly the pain and the crumpling feeling as his legs had gone out from under him and he'd hit the ground. But that was nothing compared to what came next. "And then across my back I don't know how many times. I blacked out because of the pain and woke up in hospital."

Callen saw Jessie bite down on bottom lip but it didn't stop the sound of the sob she tried to hold in. It did stop his words because the sound broke his heart. He reached up with both hands and cupped her head. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Didn't want to hurt you."

Tears dripped down her cheeks and over his fingers. Jessie shook her head a little. "You didn't," she said, her voice soft but filled with a combination of pain and compassion. "Hurt for you, yes. Not by you."

She could've pulled away but she didn't. If anything there was the slightest hint that she shifted closer. And she waited, her patience, care and concern clear in her eyes, she didn't try and hide that, or the pain, from him. The acceptance that she was showing, by staying right through this nightmare, had the words coming again.

"I preferred the beatings to the mind games," Callen continued. "At least with the beatings you knew exactly what was happening, then you got better and moved. I learned the easiest way to get shifted was to beat back. They didn't like that."

Jessie stepped closer, almost close enough that they were touching. His hands slid from her face. One of hers came up and rested on his chest.

"How did you survive?" Jessie asked him. "How did that little boy make it through to become you?"

"He didn't."

Jessie frowned. Callen couldn't blame her for the confusion. He'd just told her he didn't make it, but it wasn't quite as cut and dried as that.

"I locked him in a place that kept him safe," Callen told her by way of explanation. "In a home where all the best things happened, far from me." Only visited when he had a rare safe place to hide, where no one would be able to find him until he wanted to be found.

"You protected him," Jessie said.

"I learned to be someone else early. It's what I do. I become who I need to be. Whoever and whatever that it." Unfortunately it had taken many years of hell to refine that skill and the lessons were sometimes brutal.

Jessie stood there, so close that his hands had found themselves drawn to rest on her waist and it felt completely natural and right. She stared at him for a few moments before she smiled at him.

"You're wrong," Jessie said.

The conviction in her voice so strong but Callen wasn't sure what she was referring to.

"You think he's far away but he's not," Jessie said. Her other hand came up to rest on his chest too. Two of her fingers tapped gently right above his heart. "Here ... You keep him safe here," Jessie told him, "and that's why you are who you are because that lovely little boy is at the very centre of who you are and affects everything you do."

Callen shook his head. "No."

"Yes. You said all the good things that happened are with him." Jessie tapped his chest again. "Right here. Because you wouldn't do what you do, you wouldn't protect the way you do, care the way you do or make the sacrifices necessary for this job if he wasn't. Because as big and as thick and strong as the walls are that you have built around him to keep him safe, you can't stop the love and care, honor and compassion that are in here, the things you've given him to live with, from affecting everything you do. You may become someone else on the surface G, but the essence, the very core of you, always stays the same and is with you no matter where you are or who you are playing. He is with you no matter what."

Callen didn't know how to respond to what she had just told him. Her reaction wasn't what he'd expected. Sure the tears were a given, but that she'd stayed, essentially let him hurt her and then looked so deep inside him to a place that he hadn't even known existed yet made sense now she'd taken him there with her. That hadn't been expected.

Jessie stepped back from him, her hands left his chest and Callen missed the connection immediately. The pain he could see in her eyes came through in her whispered words. "Thank you. I'll see you Monday." She started to turn away.

Callen reached out and grabbed her by the wrist with some gentle pressure turned her back around to face him. He stepped closer and shook his head. "Don't go. Can't let you, not like this." He brought his other hand up and brushed the tears off her cheeks that had fallen in the brief moment she'd had her back to him. His fingers lingered on her cheek, almost like they were waiting to catch the next one before it could get too far.

"G, please."

Callen hated the struggle and pain in her voice. Hated that he'd put it there yet he knew that she wouldn't have done anything to avoid it if she'd been given the choice.

"No. Stay. I hurt you." Callen shook his head at the protest he saw start to form in her eyes. "I did. Everything I said, I knew it would but … I couldn't stop it." He took a breath and added. "Didn't want to." He saw the look of surprise in her eyes at that admission. "Please, let me fix it."

"I just need time," she said quietly.

"Have it here with me." Callen didn't know if he was being selfish or caring to push this. Right now it was such a fine line he felt like he had one foot in both camps. He didn't want to be alone. More specifically he wanted her with him. On the other hand he couldn't bear the thought of her being alone with her pain. "There's still pizza left," he told her. "Too much for me to eat on my own."

A smile finally twitched on her lips and spark flared in her eyes. "I'm sure you'd manage, plus there's no pineapple on it."

Callen smiled. "I can fix that?"

Jessie looked doubtful. "Really?"

"I have a tin in the cupboard."

"You keep a tin of pineapple in your cupboard?"

She really shouldn't have doubted him. "I do."

"Why?"

"In case a certain someone turns up after I've already ordered. Can't have her saying no to dinner with me just because of that."

That spark flared a little more, dimming the pain that had been so strong. Jessie raised an eyebrow at him. "Since when have I said no to dinner with you?"

"You try," Callen said, "occasionally, but my charm always wins out."

Jessie finally smiled and boy did it lighten weight that had been sitting on his shoulders since the first admission had slipped from his lips.

"Your charm?" she said. "Is that what you call it?"

"You mean you only have dinner with because you're after my body?"

Jessie sucked in a breath, bit her lip and then laughed. "You know tha-"

Callen put his hand over her mouth and stopped the words. "Let me dream Doc. Don't tell me you're not." When he was sure she wasn't going to continue, he dropped his hand from covering her mouth and the other from her hip and stepped back.

"Pineapple coming up." Callen moved toward the table and the pizza but Jessie's hand on his arm stopped him. He turned to look back at her.

"I can handle it without pineapple," Jessie told him.

"But the tin-"

"Save it," Jessie said.

That familiar I'm about to be in trouble feeling washed over Callen at the look that suddenly came into Jessie's eyes and the smile that lifted each corner of her mouth.

"For a time when your body's not enough."