Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.

Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216]

Chapter 36 – "Closet"

Edward Cullen POV

I fucking failed her.

Maybe people had been right about me after all. Maybe I was a fucking failure. Everything I touched turned to crap. How fucking hard was it to keep a girl safe from her mother? It should have been piece of fucking cake, but I even failed that. It wasn't fucking rocket science! I should have kept my damn mouth shut and just done what she told me.

But instead I went to my damn father, and had to watch as she was dragged off by her parents. Seeing the life leave her eyes as she gave up. All hope she had felt, all hope I had given her, was gone within seconds. Just because I fucked up.

I fucked up, and now I was going to become a murderer. Her mother was going to kill her, and it would be all my fault. Everything would become full circle, and the promise I had to her the day of the accident would be fulfilled. I would end her existence.

Not being at all overdramatic.

Fuck you. It is all my fault.

I looked up, feeling confused as I found myself in Dad's office again. How the fuck did I get here?

Dad was standing by the closed door and he was frowning when he looked down at me.

"I need to get her. I can't fucking let her leave!" I said, standing up and stepping towards the door.

"No, Edward," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and pushing me firmly towards the chair.

"But she can't leave with them! Did you listen to me at all? Her mother is going to fucking kill her!" I replied loudly with a shaky voice.

"Edward, no harm is going to come to her. Trust me. She is safe now. People are going to take care of her and see to it that she'll be alright. Don't worry," he replied calmly.

"Don't worry," I echoed with a snort. "That's easy for you to say! You don't fucking care!"

He gave me an odd look as I tried to stand up again, but he kept me in place with his hands.

"I do care," he replied. "But I don't think you're at the right mindset to see that right now." He took a deep breath and looked at me for a moment before continuing. "I'm going to page Dr. Randall. Maybe you should see him today after all."

"I don't need a damn shrink! I'm not the insane one here!" I yelled.

"Please, Edward, keep your voice down," he muttered. "Yelling won't help you." He paused. "Or her."

"Fuck you," I snarled, but it wasn't loud. "You don't care… you never cared. You told us they had come to take her home! HOME! Why the hell would you let that happen? Why are you letting them take her back to the place where they hurt her the most? She'll die!"

"She's not going home!" he protested, sounding irritated now. "She's being taken care of by child protective services."

"Then why did you say that her parents had come to take her home?"

Something changed in his eyes and he looked almost uncomfortable. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he sighed. "Because I walked in on you kissing the girl who you have claimed to hate for so long, I was caught off guard. I wasn't paying attention to what I was saying."

I swallowed thickly as he reminded me about what I had done.

I had fucking kissed her.

I kissed Sparrow.

I kissed Isabella Swan.

I kissed the Goose.

And as I thought about it, I realized I… I… I fucking liked it. Her lips and mine had been molded together perfectly. Her lips had been fucking delicious. I may not have kissed many girls in my days, since it was against all my principles, but no one had even come close to Sparrow; even though the few that I had kissed in the past was far more experienced than she was. Sparrow was innocent, inexperienced and completely lost in this world. But she was still superior to everyone else.

I had been so wrong about her.

"I'm going to call Dr. Randall," Dad said. "I need you to talk to him, especially after everything that has happened in the past couple of days. I know you think you don't need it, but this isn't normal, Edward. What you've been through, and what you've been through because of Bella, isn't normal. And you're not expected to be able to handle it on your own."

I looked up and met his gaze. He wasn't going to let this go. I knew that. Fighting was futile. And I didn't have the energy for that shit anyway.

"Fine, whatever," I muttered.

How bad could it be?

x x x x x

I slammed my door and locked it behind me. My body was shaking with anger and I urged to hit something. Someone. Anything. Anyone.

Who the hell did Dr. Randall think he was? I didn't spend more than twenty minutes with the guy, but that was enough for me to come to the conclusion that he was full of shit. He hadn't known shit about what he was talking about. I didn't know what my dad had told him, but considering the shit Dr. Randall spew while I was there, one would think he had been told I had lost it completely.

When he asked me about the accident, without any warning at all, I knew that the dude was insane if he thought I was going to talk with him about anything. I shut up completely. When I didn't answer him, he had gone on a rant about self-preservation mechanisms, and how people put up walls of indifference in front of them, to keep from being hurt.

Apparently he knew about how I had felt about Sparrow before the accident, and how I had acted after it. How I claimed I didn't care. Apparently, this was a natural reaction to a traumatizing experience. Of course, the dork-doctor had explained this to me like I was a fucking toddler or something. He thought I was fucking stupid, and when he began prodding more about the accident I decided that enough was enough. I had enough to deal with, and I didn't need his condescending bullshit to add to the pile.

So I stalked out, and I didn't stop moving until I was home.

My heart was racing and my mind was spinning; and it had nothing to do with my walk home. Going to Dr. Randall, in all his idiotic glory, just minutes after losing Sparrow must have been the stupidest thing Dad could have thought of. I was fucking traumatized. There was no other way to put it. And going to a shrink right after something like that was like getting behind the wheel after having a few beers. You think you'll be okay, and that you're fine enough to handle it. But then you hit a fucking tree, and end up more hurt than you were before.

I let my eyes wander over my room. I locked sight of the unmade part of the bed where she had slept just hours before. I slowly crawled onto the bed and buried my face into the pillow she had been using. I inhaled deeply, a mixture of her scent and mine assaulting my senses. I closed my eyes and hugged the pillow to my face, as if trying to suffocate myself.

How the hell did everything turn out so shitty?

I pulled out my phone from my pocket, and turned my head on the pillow. I tried to send her a text, cursing the way my hands were shaking. It was as if I was fucking epileptic or some shit. I finally gave up and decided to call her instead.

Moments passed and she didn't answer, instead I was greeted by her recorded voice. And the mere sound of it broke my damn heart.

"Sparrow… hearing your fucking voice is like music to my damn ears. Even if it's just your recorded voice telling me to leave a message…"

x x x x x

I didn't sleep well that night. I kept waking myself up. I had nightmares of Sparrow's mother doing horrible things to her. In one, I had been standing outside their living room window, looking in, just to see how the crazy bitch cut Sparrow's arm so many times it wasn't even attached to her body anymore when she was done. It was fucking disgusting, and when I woke up I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.

I glanced at my alarm clock on the way back to my bed, frowning when I saw it was just past four in the morning. I groaned and reached for my phone as I laid back down in the bed.

I wasn't going to sleep any time soon, I knew that. Maybe Sparrow had a hard time sleeping too? And if not, I could always leave her a message. I called her up, trying not to get disappointed when she didn't answer. Instead I smiled a little when I heard her recorded voice.

"It's four in the fucking morning and I can't sleep. It's weird that I've never slept better than when I slept with you… even though I never got more than a couple of hours the times we did sleep together… not sleeping together like… fuck… you know what I mean…"

What the fuck was I saying? When I lost my mind, did I lose my brain filter too? Apparently, I did.

My mind wasn't working, that was for damn sure. I could always blame the early hour.

I spent the next two days in my bed. I just couldn't find it in me to leave it. I was tired and drained, but I couldn't sleep. Mom came in and asked me if I wanted breakfast, but she didn't ask me if I wanted to go to school. I ate the food she brought up to me, just to appease her, even though I had no fucking appetite. But I didn't need to fail her too. The food didn't stay with me long, though. It came up as quick as it went down.

I didn't fucking eat, I didn't fucking sleep. All I did was stare at the phone, waiting for it to come alive with a text or a call. I waited for her to get back to me. I needed to know that Dad hadn't been full of shit when he said she was safe. I needed to know she was okay.

But she never called.

But I did.

Fourty times.

x x x x x

After two miserable days, by some weird miracle, I managed to leave the comfort of my bed and drag my sorry ass to school. All night I had been trying to convince myself to just let it go. To let Sparrow go. I told myself that she would contact me when she got the chance. And there was nothing I could do about it until then. I didn't know where she was and there was no way for me to find out, so there was no reason for me to obsess over it.

She was fine.

I had to keep telling myself that.

Lunchtime in La Push was always an interesting thing, and if it weren't for the fact that I was worried shitless about Sparrow – no matter how much I told myself to let it go - I would probably have enjoyed the things I got to witness a little more. Leah had been absent all day, and I wasn't expecting to see her at lunch. I wanted to ask her how things had been at the gathering, or whatever they called it. They had expected Sparrow to be there, and I wondered what happened when she didn't show up. How much did I have to worry about the La Push freaks hurting her when she came back?

"Emily is still at the hospital… the doctor said she got blood poisoning or something…"

I looked up from my wrapped, untouched, sandwich. The pack was sitting at their usual table, but unlike all other times I've seen them, they were looking pretty gloomy now. Everybody was looking at Sam, and he looked the most miserable of the bunch.

"She'll be okay," Jacob replied, giving Sam a pat on the back.

"I'm not too sure about that," Sam muttered, turning his head towards me and looking me straight in the eyes as he said the next part. "Her doctor is Cullen's father."

I pushed my chair back, grabbing my sandwich and walking towards the exit. I was so not in the mood for whatever crap they had to spew about my father. I threw my untouched sandwich in the trash on the way out. I went outside to take a moment to get some fresh air. I contemplating taking a smoke, but for some reason I wasn't feeling it. I needed some kind of distraction, some kind of release. But I didn't fucking know what. All I knew was that a damn smoke was nothing going to cut it.

I picked up my phone, my heart sinking as I saw that I had no missed calls or texts. I guess I was still hoping for her to contact me, and I shouldn't have been so disappointed when she didn't.

My fingers moved fluently over the keys as I dialed in her number, which I knew by heart by now, before holding the phone to my ear. I wasn't expecting her to answer; I just waited for the seconds to pass before I heard her recorded voice play in my ear.

"Hi, you've reached Bella. I can't get to the phone right now, so you know what to do."

I waited for the beep before I started talking.

"Fuck it, Sparrow. Where are you?" I mumbled. "I haven't seen or talked to you in three days." I paused, pinching the bridge of my nose as I sat down on a nearby bench outside. "Three days, Sparrow. Where the fuck are you? How are you doing?" I sighed and closed my eyes. "I don't think I can do this shit anymore." I ended the call and put the phone back in my pocket.

I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I didn't trust my eyes anymore, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had betrayed me again by shedding tears. But this time, they hadn't.

I took a cleansing breath, before leaving my spot on the bench and walking back inside the school. My hands were shaking with irrational anger. I didn't know why exactly I was so angry all of a sudden, but I was.

Then I spotted Jacob fucking Black, and my vision went red.

Of course I knew why I was fucking angry, and I knew exactly what to do to let it all out.

It was all his fucking fault.

"HEY IDIOT!" I called, furiously.

He stopped and turned around slowly. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion when he spotted me.

"And what can I do you for, Mr. Cullen?" he asked, spitting my name as if it was an insult. He shared a look with one of his friends, who chuckled darkly in response. I was obviously missing out on some inside joke.

Jacob crossed his arms over his chest, probably thinking he looked more intimidating that way. As if he wasn't as scary as a damn puppy. I wasn't fucking afraid of him. He had no power over me. I snorted as I stalked towards him. He quirked an eyebrow at me, still acting as if he wasn't afraid. He probably figured he didn't need to be afraid of me because of his army of mutant dogs standing behind him.

"This is what I want," I replied when I reached him. I raised my fist and before he had any time to react, my fist connected with his nose with a satisfying crack.

He reached up to touch his face in shock, just as I threw another punch. His hands immediately went up to block it before he threw himself at me, throwing me backwards. I got the wind knocked out of me as my back slammed down on the floor, but I didn't even fucking notice. All I could see, or feel, was Jacob's huge form on top of me as he pinned me to the floor, ready to pounce me. He pulled his fist back, preparing to punch me in the face. But I was quicker. I threw my fist against his face again and it connected with his jaw. His head flew back and he rolled off of me. I quickly moved and got up on my feet. I put my foot on his chest, holding him down as he cradled his ugly face with his hands.

He whimpered. But that wasn't enough for me.

I removed my foot from his chest and I kicked him straight in the crotch instead. The sound that followed wasn't fucking human. It sounded as if someone was torturing an animal or something. Which I guess was true. I was torturing a damn dog. He was a filthy dog. And he was worth nothing.

He removed his hands from his face to hold his crotch instead. He curled up into fetal position, and continued his whimpering. I collected as much mucus and snot I could in my mouth, before spitting on his pathetic form.

"That's for her, you son of a bitch. You can-" I began, but I was cut off by a loud voice from the end of the hallway.

"Mr. Cullen. My office. NOW!" I turned my head to the sound, seeing Mr. Ateara standing there. I rolled my eyes and looked down at Jacob again.

"This ain't over," I spat at him.

"You bet your stinking ass it ain't," he muttered back, the whimpering in his voice did nothing to help his attempt to sound threatening.

I snorted and left his sorry form on the ground, walking towards Mr. Ateara and his office. It wasn't until we reached the room that I noticed that his name wasn't the only thing on the sign on the door. The word "Principal" was also there.

What the fuck? I thought he was a teacher.

Mr. Ateara smirked at my expression as he led me into the room, closing the door behind us.

"Oh, did I forget to mention to you that I'm also the principal of this school?" he asked. "I'm not only a teacher." I plopped down on the chair across from his desk, as he took his designated place behind it. He was smirking at me when he leaned forward, clasping his hands on his desk. "So, Mr. Cullen, mind explaining to me what you were doing hitting one of our students?"

"He had it coming," I muttered.

"I don't know what kind of things they tolerate at Forks High, but this kind of behavior won't fly with us. Jumping other students, abusing them like you did, is not an acceptable behavior at our school. I need to consider the other students' safety, and having a student with such violent tendencies as yourself, I'm afraid I have no other choice but to expel you. I'm sorry." He talked so fast it was almost as if he couldn't contain himself. He had never liked me, so of course he jumped on the chance to expel me.

Sorry, my ass.

"Expel me? For what? For one fight? In case you didn't notice, he was ready to fucking punch me himself. What is his punishment?" I snapped.

"From what I saw you were the one who initiated the fight, and Mr. Black was only prepared to defend himself from you. We have a zero tolerance policy against violence at this school, and I have a feeling that this won't be a onetime thing if you were to stay with us," he replied.

"You got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"You can gather your things from your locker, but I expect you to be off school grounds, as well as the reservation, within the hour. You are not welcome here anymore," he said. I could tell he was trying to keep his voice stern and detached, as if he had to deal with this shit every damn day. But I could tell he was fighting hard to contain his smirk. He was fucking enjoying this. He had been waiting for the damn day when he could expel me and banish me from the reservation.

But I couldn't even find it in me to care. I punched Jacob Black's face in. It was fucking worth it.

"No worries," I said, standing up. "I'll be out in five minutes. Why would I stick around longer than necessary?" I walked over to the door and he cleared his throat behind me.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Cullen," he said, the amusement and malice clear in his voice.

"Go fuck yourself, Mr. Ateara," I replied, before throwing the door open and stalking out.

x x x x x

Dad looked at me, and I kept my eyes trained on a spot on the wall behind him.

"You got expelled," he said, making it a statement. I nodded in confirmation. "Because you got into a fight with another student." I nodded again. "Because you got into a fight with Jacob Black." He sighed and shook his head, moving to lean back against his desk.

"So what is my punishment? You're grounding me or something?" I muttered, still not looking at him.

"No, I'm not grounding you," he replied calmly. "To be honest with you, I'm glad you got expelled. That way we won't need to transfer you." That comment made me look up and meet his gaze in surprise.

"What?" I asked.

"I have been talking to your mother, and we both agreed that you going to school on the reservation maybe wasn't the best idea. From what you've told me, I'm beginning to think that that school is being run by a cult. Teaching the legends to the students as if it were the truth, I'm not really comfortable with that. Those people are taking their legends too seriously, and I don't want my children to be in an environment like that," he replied. "It's not healthy. Believing is one thing, being fanatic about it is quite another. I'm honestly scared for the students and the children at that school. Especially after what you and Bella told me about what happened to her. I'm shocked and disgusted."

"So I'm not going to be punished for getting expelled or for fighting?" I asked, now confused.

"I'm not saying I agreed with what you did, but no, I'm not going to punish you for it. I don't think violence is the answer, and I don't think you should have hit Jacob. But there's nothing we can do about that right now," he replied with a deep sigh. "I'm going to ask your mother to call Forks High tomorrow, maybe they won't be too reluctant to let you back in." He took a step towards me, gingerly taking my hand, turning it so he could look at it from all angles. "Does it hurt?" he asked. I shrugged in response.

Yeah it fucking hurt, but it was fucking worth it. Besides, it was nothing compared to the shit Sparrow had been through. So who was I to complain? It was just bruised, maybe sprained.

"It will heal faster if you let me take care of it," he said.

I didn't protest, I let him take care of my hand. It stung as a sonofabitch when he cleaned the cuts with alcohol. He wrapped the hand up in gauze and gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder when he was done.

"I'm proud of you, son," he said quietly. "You may make mistakes, and questionable choices, in life. But with all that said… you did good. With Bella, you did good."

I looked at him and began feeling paranoid, thinking this was his way of telling me she died or some shit. Maybe he was trying to soften me up and telling me I wasn't a complete failure, before hitting me with the news of her decease.

"Is she dead?"I asked bluntly. "Did she fucking die? Did they murder her? Or did she take her own life? When did she die?"

Dad's soft smile faded immediately and he shook his head quickly.

"No, no," he protested. "She's not dead. Why would you think that?"

"Because you told me I did good. I fucking failed her, and you still say I did good. And why the hell would you say that if she wasn't dead?" I snapped.

He opened his mouth to reply, but I didn't wait long enough to wait for his answer. I left Dad's office and went back up to my room, slamming the door behind me. He said she wasn't dead, and that was good enough for me right now. I didn't need him to elaborate. As long as she was breathing, I would be okay too.

I hoped.

I was fucking exhausted. I was totally drained.

This shit was wearing me out.

I plopped down on my back, on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I tried to relax, and get rid of all the tension in my body, but as I did, everything just came crashing down on me. The emotional rollercoaster I was on was beginning to pick up some serious speed, and I was freaking out.

I picked up my phone, dialing Sparrow's number without looking.

I was immediately sent to voicemail. Her phone wasn't even on anymore.

x x x x x

"C'mon," Jasper said. "Why don't you join us to the exhibition? It will get your mind off things."

"Maybe I don't want to get my mind off things," I muttered, staring out the window in my room.

"Yeah, well, maybe you can keep me company then?" he continued. "Alice and Rose are going to want to go Christmas-shopping afterwards, and I could use some moral support."

I glared at him and he raised both his eyebrows, giving me an innocent look. What the fuck was he trying to pull here?

"I'm not going to Port Angeles," I replied. He rolled his eyes and threw a small container at me. I caught it and looked at it in confusion. Pills.

"I had a feeling you would say that, that's why I scored you those. A mild sedative that won't make you too drowsy but it won't make you panic either," he explained.

"If my dad finds out that you're giving me sedatives he'll fucking kill you," I said with a dark chuckle.

"Who do you think gave them too me?" he replied with a lazy smirk. "C'mon, now, let's go."

I popped open the lid of the container and shook out a couple of pills in my hand. I threw them into my mouth and swallowed them dry. I grimaced at the bitter aftertaste as I grabbed my jacket.

"Fine, whatever," I muttered.

I followed him down to the car. The girls were taking Alice's car to Port Angeles.

The exhibition was for the sex-ed project we had been working on in biology. Everybody in school was allowed to go, and all classes were cancelled for the day. I groaned when I realized that the La Push mutts were probably going to be there too, since their school was also in on the whole thing. It had only been a day since I was expelled, and I had a feeling Black hadn't forgotten about how I punched his damn face in. If he saw me now, he would probably pummel me by pure instinct. But I wasn't afraid. If he did pummel me, it would only give me a reason to hit him some more and get some anger out.

Jasper and I didn't speak much on the ride over, and that was just as well. I was not in a speaking mood. Instead I took the time to send a couple of texts to Sparrow. I didn't want to call her with Jasper so close, but I couldn't not try to contact her either. Lucky for me Emmett wasn't going to the exhibition, he was going to train with the rest of the jocks instead. They were allowed to skip, apparently.

I was tense and aggravated when we reached Port Angeles. The pills had done nothing to help me relax on the ride over. Jasper parked his car next to Alice's yellow Porsche in the parking lot. When we climbed out, Alice immediately came over to me and gave me a tight hug.

"I've missed you, Ed," she said in my ear before letting me go. I huffed in response. Why the hell would she miss me?

"Sure you did," I snorted sarcastically.

"Of course I did, you dork," she said, pouting her lip gloss-covered lips.

We started walking towards the entrance and Alice hugged my arm to her, but I shook her off me and stepped aside. She frowned at me and hooked arms with Rosalie instead as they walked in. I stopped by the curb, not wanting to go in quite yet.

I kicked a pebble with my foot and Jasper stopped beside me.

"How are you doing?" he asked quietly.

"Craptastic," I muttered.

"Seriously, dude. What's up? What's going on with Bella?" he asked.

I huffed and glanced at him. He was looking at me as if he was in pain and I almost wanted to punch him because of it. What the fuck did he know about pain? Nothing, that's what.

"I thought you didn't give a flying fuck? I thought you were Switzerland!" I growled. He rolled his eyes at my hostility, and I didn't blame him.

"Yeah, in your damn fight with Emmett, not about this. I helped you kidnap her, I think I'm entitled to some damn information," he said. "What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?"

I met his penetrating eyes and his gaze softened as he noticed the emotions in my traitorous eyes. I quickly looked away from him.

"Dude," he said with a pained breath.

"I don't fucking know what's going on. I've tried to fucking call her a million fucking times, but she won't answer the damn phone. I think it's turned off," I mumbled. "All Dad could tell me is that she was taken away, and that he doesn't know any more than that. Dad says she's fine, but I won't believe that until I hear it from her."

"You… you really care about her, huh?" he said in awe.

I turned my head back to him and glared.

"Someone fucking has to," I spat. "Nobody fucking cares about her. If she died or disappeared nobody would fucking care. Like now, does anyone care that she's gone?"

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest as he took a step back and quirking his eyebrow.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked. "Were your memories left behind along with your inability to say a sentence without the word fuck? What the hell, man? You're not a saint just because you care all of a sudden."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Low blow, dude. Low blow."

"I'm not telling you this to be mean, Ed," he said with a sigh. "I'm just saying that it's a mighty fine glasshouse you're sitting in, and it would be sad if you broke it with all those stones you keep throwing around."

"Don't you think I fucking know that? Don't you think I get reminded of all the shitty things I did to her every time I look into her damn eyes? Don't you fucking think I know?" I replied furiously.

He sighed and scratched his neck awkwardly. "Maybe this place isn't the best time for this conversation. Why don't we take a rain check and go inside and check out this train wreck of an exhibition."

"Yeah, can't wait," I muttered and followed him inside.

The area was filled with students. It was easy to get lost in the crowd, so it didn't take long for me to lose Jasper. I walked aimlessly for a while, until I reached a display I recognized all too well.

Ours.

Lauren and Mike were standing by their station, and Lauren's face lit up when she noticed me.

"Edward!" she said, beaming. "I can't believe you're here!"

I ignored her completely as I neared the display. I looked at the posters they had put up on their wall. It all looked choppy and pathetic. It was clear that it was all Lauren's doing.

I stepped closer to one of the posters, smiling a little when I spotted Sparrow's name next to a quote.

"One night stand or love it at first sight? Isn't it all just different levels of lust?"

She always had such reasonable opinions about stuff. This was no different. But for some reason her quote bothered me. Did this mean she didn't believe in true love? Or even the concept of love? Did she think it was all about lust? Maybe she was right. After all, I had never been in love, for me it had always been about lust.

Maybe love was just that. A different - stronger - level of lust.

My smile faded and I shook my head. No, I didn't want to fucking believe that. Sparrow deserved better. She deserved something more than glorified lust. She deserved love. And if what she said was true, then what the hell were we even doing here?

I read another quote on the poster, this one was courtesy of Lauren.

"One night stands are TDTT… Tempting, Dangerous, Tacky and Taboo. Love at first sight is MFLT… Magical, Fulfilling, Loving and True."

I quirked an eyebrow, totally baffled at the idiocy of that quote. Was it supposed to be a poem or something? I was fucking sure I lost ten IQ-points by just reading it. What the fuck was with the abbreviations? Those weren't even real abbreviations! Was she really that stupid?

I threw a look at Lauren, who was pretending that she hadn't been ogling my ass when my back was turned. I rolled my eyes and walked away, leaving the idiot and her partner to fend for themselves.

I stopped briefly at a few other displays, but nothing really caught my eye. Some group did a thing about the kings and queens of the world, and how inbred the royal families in Europe really were. It was almost as disgusting as it was hilarious.

I stayed clear of the La Push-ones, which weren't that many, and they were all in the back of the area anyway. I didn't stick around long. We left for the mall only an hour later when Jasper found me in the crowd. Alice and Rosalie took the lead when we got to the mall. Jasper and I had no other choice but to follow. For some reason, the first stop was the toy store. Why? Hell, if I knew. Alice probably needed to stack up on Barbie-supplies, or dolls that she could beta-test her new make-up on.

I shared a look with Jasper on the way in, and he rolled his eyes. The girls disappeared quickly down an aisle. Jasper disappeared too – probably to the game section - so I walked down an aisle alone. I let my eyes wander over the shelves that I passed, and I stopped as I reached the section for stuffed animals.

I picked up a stuffed penguin and smiled crookedly to myself. Sparrow would get a kick out of this.

"Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?" Jasper asked. I jumped in surprise when he snuck up on me like the ninja he was. I rolled my eyes at him and put the penguin back in its place on the shelf.

"Fuck you," I muttered, walking away.

"Are you going to buy her something?" he asked me. I shrugged, knowing which her he was referring too.

"I don't know… what am I supposed to buy her anyway?"

"What does she like?"

"I don't know? What the fuck do girls like her like?" I asked.

"How about this?" he asked, grabbing a pink elephant from a nearby shelf. I rolled my eyes at him.

"What the fuck is she? Five? Why don't I just get her one hundred monkeys made of porcelain or something? Or why don't I just buy her this so she has something to snuggle with in bed?" I suggested sarcastically, grabbing the nearest stuffed animal my hand connected with and threw it at him. He caught it before it hit him in the face. He looked at it for a moment before bursting into laughter. I glared at him as he held it in front of him. My eyes were drawn to the weird, grey shape in his hands and I couldn't contain my laughter either. "What the fuck is that? It looks like a damn whale's penis!" I blurted.

"I think it's supposed to be an eel or something… I don't know? It doesn't have any eyes," he replied, turning it in his hands. He was right, it was just a grey, long and thick shape. Who the hell would buy that to a child? Or anyone else for that matter. I couldn't even tell what the hell it was.

Maybe I could buy it to Sparrow as a joke. Tell her she was getting a penis for Christmas.

Hell, maybe I should buy her a dildo. She could use a nice release.

Maybe I could show her how to use it too…

I grabbed another whale's penis from the shelf and weighed it in my hands. Would it really that bad if I helped her out? I mean, where was the harm in that? I bet she would rather have it be me than anyone else. And she deserved to feel good after all the shit she had been pulled through. And according to her it was all about lust anyway. There was no difference.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. What were the odds of her letting me do anything of the sorts with her if she didn't even answer my damn calls? It had been four fucking days, for crying out loud. She wasn't going to let me come near her anytime soon. If ever. Especially not after failing her like I did.

And why the hell was I even thinking about doing something like that to her anyway? She was Sparrow! My… friend. Nothing more. So why did these thoughts of lust keep popping up? And why did I keep thinking about her damn lips, moving against mine. If that ever were to happen again, just insert incoherent moans of delight on her part, and I would be a fucking goner. If she had moaned during our first kiss I would have fucking done her right there in Dad's office.

Maybe trying to buy her a Christmas present was a bad idea. Our friendship had always been a weird one, especially since nobody – except our parents now, I guess, and Jasper – knew about it. And since we did nothing the traditional way, maybe I shouldn't get her a gift. Maybe I should do some kind of reverse Santa kind of thing.

And what does that mean? You take something from her, instead of give?

I smirked inwardly at the thought.

I wouldn't mind taking something from her. Something that could only be taken once.

And the fact that I was even thinking about that irritated me.

Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? How hard was it to just be her friend. Period. Why couldn't she be another Alice or Rosalie to me? Why did I have to complicate things? Doing anything with, or to, her now would ruin everything.

And I didn't fucking want that.

But I had already ruined everything. By kissing her I opened a fucking closet that I had no business opening. A closet that was filled with stuff that was better left untouched. But I couldn't fucking close it up now. The shit was out, and I just had to deal with the aftermath. Even if it included being freaked out by all the overwhelming, and unfamiliar, feelings that were fighting for dominance inside of me.

Feelings. It was what it all came down to in the end. Fucking feelings.

I couldn't even figure out if I was sad or angry or happy or whateverthefuck. I was so confused that I might as well be all three… or four. Maybe it was neither? Maybe I was just... whatever.

I followed my friends out from the toy store, and towards Jackson's Jewelry. I shared a look with Jasper, and he just rolled his eyes again. He had been through this before. We both knew what was going to happen now.

Alice and Rosalie was going to "ooh" and "aah" over the jewelry, in their very subtle way of telling Jasper what they wanted for Christmas. I guess they both just assumed that Jasper was going to remember what the hell they wanted, and then tell Emmett so they could both buy their girls some jewelry for Christmas.

The girls immediately went to the display of necklaces. Alice squealed and pointed on the glass.

"Look! I want that one!" she said, bouncing where she stood. I sighed as I followed Jasper to the display to look at what she was pointing at. "Look!" Alice said again when we looked down. "That one, the crystal bird. Isn't it beautiful? I want that one."

"Eh… Alice, sweetie, isn't it a little pricey? I mean… 200 dollars for a necklace? Can't you find something… more affordable?" Jasper asked sheepishly. Alice turned to glare at him.

"But… I like that one!" she protested, sounding like a damn baby. It wasn't as if she couldn't fucking afford the damn necklace herself. Her family was loaded. Jasper sighed and turned his head up to the ceiling, as if asking God for strength.

"My brother is a cheap bastard," Rosalie stated with a teasing smirk.

"I know, right?" Alice huffed, turning towards a display of earrings. I took the opportunity to step closer to the display of necklaces, and looked down at the one Alice liked.

She was right, it was beautiful.

The crystal bird was just barely an inch big. I tilted my head a little, reading the note next to it and smirking to myself as I read the name of the necklace.

'Small Sparrow'.

Were they freaking kidding me? It was like a damn sign from the Gods or something. It couldn't get more perfect. Sparrow was going to love it. It had her name on it for fuck's sake!

"Edward? Are you coming?" I looked up and saw that my friends had already moved to the exit. I looked down at the display again.

"Yeah, I'm coming alright," I mumbled while smirking to myself.

She was going to love it.

x x x x x

I got back to the store, and bought the necklace while the others were busy looking at expensive watches in the next store. And I put the little box with the necklace in my pocket, so they wouldn't know I had bought anything. This was a secret. My gift to Sparrow.

It was private.

It wasn't until I got home that reality hit me again.

I had bought the damn necklace with the intention of giving it to Sparrow as a Christmas present. I had imagined how she would tell me how much she loved it, and that she would never take it off. But I guess my mind had forgotten one little detail. How on earth was I going to give her a present if I didn't even know where the hell she was? And how was I supposed to even get a hold on her if she refused to talk to me, or even text me? She wanted nothing to do with me.

She hated me for failing her. She had given up. I know she had. I had seen her eyes.

Somehow I had managed to create fiction of my own reality. While walking in that mall I had gone back to feeling somewhat normal. I was hanging out with my buddies, buying shit and eating junk food, it was no big deal. Everything was normal. I even bought a gift for a friend.

All normal.

Except that… it wasn't.

Nothing was normal.

Because Sparrow resided in the back of my mind. Every step, every breath, every thought. Everything I did, I did with Sparrow in thought. And it didn't matter how much I tried to squish down all thoughts of her; she was still there.

I put the box, and the necklace, in the drawer in my nightstand.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I took a shuddering breath and squeezed my eyes shut.

I couldn't fucking take it anymore.

I couldn't get rid of her. I fucking needed her.

I pulled out the phone, dialing her damn number for the umpteenth time. Shivering as I heard her recorded voice yet again. When the beep sounded, I didn't fucking know what to say. I plopped down on the bed, staring emptily in front of me.

"Sparrow… I don't fucking know what to do anymore… I… I feel fucking lost. I don't know what to do with myself. There is nothing I can do… I… I fucking miss you." My voice broke as I tried to contain my tears. The tears wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. Since when was I such a cry-baby? Since when did I break so fucking easily?

I got angry again. I was angry with her. Why was she torturing me? Why couldn't she just tell me she was alright? If she was alright, then she wouldn't have any problems getting back to me. By not reaching out to me, she was basically telling me she was dead.

Thank you very much for giving up, Sparrow. Fuck you!

"Okay? There. I said it. Is that what you've been waiting for me to say? That I miss you? Fine. There you fucking have it. I MISS you, Sparrow. I fucking need you here."

I had nothing else to say. I missed her, and I finally admitted to that out loud. But it wasn't going to make a difference. She wasn't going to call me back. So why was I even bothering anymore?

Because she means something.

Because she's all you have.

"Just call me back… please, Sparrow… I fucking need you."

I hung up the phone, dropping it beside me before grabbing a pillow and pressing it to my face.

There was a hurricane of emotions running through me.

Anger. Sadness. Loss. Loneliness. Ache. Hate. Lov-

I sat up straight in my bed and threw the pillow at the wall.

I was not feeling… that. I had never felt that. So why the hell would I feel it now? I didn't even know the first thing about… that. So why did I think I was feeling that all of a sudden? How would I even know what that feeling felt like? How would I even know that was what it was?

And who exactly did I feel that for?

Sparrow?

Did I…?

No, of course not.

She was a friend.

A friend.

"I do not… love Isabella Swan," I whispered to myself.

If that was true, then why the hell did it feel like such a lie?

x x x x x

I didn't know how long I stared at the ceiling. All I know is that my room grew darker as the sun set outside. Soon my room was embedded in darkness, and I was still lying on my back on my bed.

I was never going to move again. I was going to lie there until I felt the sweet relief of death.

Suddenly, there was a weird dim light from beside me and a second later my phone chirped. I turned my head and reached for the phone.

A text.

My heart stopped.

Sparrow!

My hands shook as I opened the text. My stomach turned as I read her two words.

"I'm fine."

Not safe, but fine.

I immediately dialed her number, hoping she would pick the fuck up. I had a feeling she wouldn't, though. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I waited. My heart sank as the seconds past, I was fucking sure she was going to let it go to voicemail. I had called her so many times before that I knew exactly how long it took before her voicemail was activated. I had called her so many times that her battery had fucking died on me, for crying out loud.

"Edward." I gripped the phone tighter as she answered her phone, breathing my name into my ear.

"Sparrow," I croaked. It was a good thing I was already lying down, or else I would have been sinking to the ground right now. It felt as if I had no bones left in my body. My throat constricted and I had a hard time breathing, let alone speak. I didn't even try. It wasn't worth it. I could hear Sparrow's soft breathing through the phone. I tried to find comfort in the fact that she was alive, and fine enough to call me. All else could wait. As long as she was alive, I was fine too.

"How are you doing?" she asked, and I wanted to snort. She was asking me that? "You called me ninety-seven times, Edward… you… you had me worried." Her voice shook on the last word and I squeezed my eyes shut.

Way to fucking go, you idiot. Make her feel worse. Like she hasn't been through enough.

"I'm supposed to ask you that," I replied, my voice strained.

"Edward… don't," she whispered.

"Where are you? Are you okay? Can I… can I see you?"

I could almost see her shake her head before she answered me.

"No, I don't think I'm ready for that yet," she replied quietly. "I… I need to figure some things out."

"Then fucking figure it out with me!" I growled. "You don't need to fucking do it alone! I'm here for you! I know I fucking failed when I told my dad… but… I'm here. I promise you, I'm here."

She was quiet for a moment, and when her voice came back it was barely audible.

"You didn't fail, Edward."

"Of course I did," I argued. "You don't even want to see me, so of course I failed you."

"You did exactly what you promised me you would. They took me away. I haven't even seen my parents since the hospital. I'm safe… or as safe as I could be considering the circumstances. I can sleep without having to worry about my mother… not that I'm sleeping all that well," she said with a sigh. "Or at all," she added.

Maybe I should have bought her a dreamcatcher… to keep all the bad dreams away.

"Join the club… I haven't slept in days," I mumbled.

"Maybe it would be easier if you didn't get up to call me at four in the morning," she joked, half-heartedly. I rolled my eyes at her sad attempt to cheer up the situation.

"You can't ignore me forever, you know," I said seriously. "You're fucking stuck with me now."

She chuckled softly and I smiled crookedly at the sound. It was a beautiful fucking sound.

"You look like a mess you know," she said, her voice serious now.

"How would you even know how I look?" I snorted. "Or are you just pointing out my general appearance?"

She sighed, and I could feel her roll her eyes at me. "No, I meant today. I saw you in Port Angeles, at the exhibition for the project… you… you didn't look so good."

My heart stopped in my chest and I stared into space, trying to imagine her in front of me. "You were there?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes and no… yes, I was in Port Angeles, but no, I wasn't at the exhibition," she replied.

"Why didn't you fucking come and say hello or just a 'look I'm alive'? Is that too much to ask for?" I asked.

"No, it isn't… but I told you, I'm not ready yet."

"Why were you even in Port Angeles in the first place?"

"I live here now, at least temporarily. I live in the apartment building across the street from the place you were at today. So I saw you from the window."

"Are you coming back to Forks soon?" I asked.

"I don't know… I don't even know if I want to return."

"Fuck you, Sparrow. Why wouldn't you want to return? What about me? Or am I so unimportant to you that you can just ignore me and pretend that what we have doesn't mean anything?"

"Edward… what exactly is it that we have?" she asked, her voice shaky and I could tell she was crying now. Fuck.

"I don't fucking know! Okay?" I replied, frustrated. "But how the hell are we even supposed to fucking find out if you're not here? I fucking need you, Sparrow."

"You keep saying that, but what does it even mean? Why… why would you need me? What am I to you, Edward? Why am I so important that you need me so much?"

"Because… because..." I couldn't even end the damn sentence. Because I didn't fucking know.

Was it because I felt lonely or was it because I… loved her?

Only an one hour drive was separating us, but it might as well have been the Atlantic. I was never going to get to her.

"I miss you," I said with a deep sigh. "I fucking miss you."

She was quiet for a moment, her breathing was uneven and I wondered if she was in pain. Did her leg still hurt?

"I miss you too," she whispered back.

"Will you come back?" I asked quietly.

"I… I don't know yet," she replied just as quietly.

"For me… Please," I pleaded.

"Why do you even care so much anymore, Edward? You got what you wanted. I'm not dead. I'm not dying. I'm safe from my parents. What more do you want?" she asked with an exasperated sigh.

At that moment, I hated her. I hated her with every fiber of my being. How dare she question me like that again, after everything I had done for her? Hadn't I proven myself enough? Did she honestly still think I was doing this out of guilt and that I didn't care for her? That she meant nothing to me?

"Why do you ask?" I asked, my voice cold. "Do you want me to fuck off? Just say the word and I'll do it." Okay, that was a lie of epic, Olympic sized proportions, but she didn't need to know that. I wasn't going to leave her alone when her dad threatened with a restraining order, so why would I leave her alone now, just because she said so? I don't know why I had such a hard time letting go of her, but just because I didn't understand it didn't mean I was going to.

"Why is your hand wrapped up in gauze?" she asked, out of nowhere, instead of answering my question. I frowned in confusion, until I realized what she meant. I had forgotten all about my hand. I chuckled humorlessly as I held it in front of me.

"I punched a werewolf," I said.

"You punched a… what?" I chuckled at her confused tone.

"Jacob Black. He's a fucking dog, and he's even fucking crazier when it's a full moon. And I punched his fucking face in."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because he hurt you."

"You punched him because he hurt me?"

"Yes."

"Are you hurt?"

"No, just my hand. I almost got attacked by the rest of Team Jacob, but the principal caught us before it escalated. I got expelled, and they were stuck in class when I left so they never got the chance to touch me."

"You… you got expelled? You punched Jacob, and you got expelled? All because of me?" she asked bewildered.

It was when she put it like that when I realized how fucked up it all was. I punched another guy for a girl that I couldn't even stand being in the same room as just a few weeks ago. A girl who used to mean nothing to me, but somehow had grown to mean… everything.

All without me even noticing.

This wasn't just about me caring about a friend, or that I wanted to her alive so I wouldn't feel like a murderer. This was so much bigger than that. It was so much more. And it wasn't glorified lust. This was something else.

"It wasn't because of you, it was for you. And I would do it again in a heartbeat," I replied honestly.

"You're crazy." I imagined her shaking her head at this, not wanting to believe it. She was used to people doing things to her, and not for her. This was a huge adjustment for her, and not just for me. And I figured we could get adjusted together. This was just as new to her as it was for me. I had never felt or experienced anything like it before. I was so confused.

"I may be crazy, but all the best people are," I replied solemnly.

"I suppose you're right," she replied. I could hear the smile in her voice.

"So… when am I seeing you again?" I asked.

"Edward, please…" The pain was back in her voice, and I groaned. Not again.

"'Please' what? We're talking in circles here, Sparrow. Explain to me why you don't want to see me, and I'll fucking leave you alone."

"Because I need time!" she replied loudly in frustration. "I was removed from my home, I was betrayed by my family and I don't know how long I'll be staying here. My life has been turned upside down and I don't know how to process it all. It's all too much, Edward. Too much."

"With all that said, don't you think you could use something familiar? Something constant?" She didn't say anything, she just sighed. "Sparrow, I could be your constant if you'd let me."

"'Even a grey cloud can hide a blue moon'," she mumbled. I groaned loudly.

Now she's speaking in riddles, perfect.

"What?" I muttered. "What does that even mean?"

"It's nothing, it's just something my mom used to tell me when I was a kid. It means that you shouldn't judge people right away… you should stick around long enough for the grey clouds to pass, so you can see what's hiding behind them. Maybe there's a blue moon, maybe there will be nothing. Either way, you'll be glad you stuck around and gave it a chance," she mumbled.

"I guess your mom had her moments too," I said. "So, does that mean I'm the cloud?"

"No, it means you're the moon."

"Does that mean you're glad you stuck around and waited for the grey clouds to pass?" I prodded.

She was quiet for a moment before she replied with a sigh. "I am."

I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply and breathing out slowly through my nose. How two such simple words could have such an effect on me, I would never understand.

And there was something else that I would never understand either.

The way the sound of her voice made my heart swell and my insides ache.

I fucking longed to touch her. And not in a sexual way. Just… fucking touch her. Her hair, her arms, her fingers, her knee. Anything. As long as it was her.

I could deny it all I wanted, but now I knew that I felt something else for her.

This wasn't just some friendship growing in an unusual way because of the way we 'met', this really was something else entirely. I felt something for her that I had never felt for anyone, not even Alice or Rose. She meant something to me in a way that neither of my friends did.

And that pained me to realize, because it would hurt so much more when I lost her.

Because one thing was for sure, I was going to lose her. Of course I would. One way or another, I would lose her. Black ice and grey clouds be damned. I was fucking glad I hit her with my car. We had both been hit by destiny that night. Everything changed.

For the better.

"You're my blue moon too, Sparrow."