John didn't care what Dave said. He was going to up through the gate. He took Casey into protective custody and blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!" he yelled excitedly. THIS WAS STUPID!
Because this was in the past, other stuff happened that we've already seen. Remember Rose pestering Dave?
TT: Strider.
TT: I need you to do me a favor.
TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file?
TT: For no reason in particular?
And then Rose pestering Jade?
TT: He's not answering.
GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!
TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?
TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?
GG: noooooooooooooooooooo
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
TT: Can you do it anyway?
GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(
TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?
TT: Wait.
TT: What?
Rose thereafter bundled up her knittings into a cozy nest because she had no bed, thanks to Strider. She wasn't all that tired though. It was hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley's narcolepsy. When she fell asleep finally, her future dream self ceased to exist.
Davesprite talked to the troll with the red glasses and teal Libra shirt on through his computer glasses.
- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] -
TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus
TG: your plan didnt work
TG: i mean it did
TG: but then suddenly it didnt
TG: so you might as well quit trying
GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
TG: what
TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles
GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH
TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever
TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK
GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3
GC: YOUR FUTUR3
GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D
GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF
TG: i dont think youre following
TG: you DID kill him sort of
TG: then i went back in time to stop him
GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N
TG: alright but
TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave
TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline
TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along
TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing
TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now
TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently
GC: OH
GC: NO :[
GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T
TG: yeah
TG: see
TG: none of you ever thinks anything through
TG: whos in charge of timeline management there
TG: i gotta give him the business
GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU
GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG
GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS
GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T :|
TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others
TG: like that awful rapper
GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?
TG: yeah
TG: im telling you
TG: huge pushover
TG: he will do what you say
TG: unless it happens to be for his own good
TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure
GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M
GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3
GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT :?
TG: yeah thats fine i guess
TG: no more coy bullshit antics though
TG: not even like
TG: an idiotic angry winking emote
GC: OR WH4T
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO
GC: ;]
TG: yeah
GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU
GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK
TG: ok even if thats true
TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers
GC: UGH
GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB
GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D
GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T
GC: OH W3LL C4NT STOP YOU NOW SO M1GHT 4S W3LL DROP 1T
GC: H3Y D4V3
TG: what
GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S
GC: 1S TH1S YOU ( /1STH1SYOUD4V3)
TG: oh jegus fuck no
TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all
GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY
GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS
GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3
GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF :D
TG: now i know youre bullshitting me
TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg
TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge
TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute
GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG
TG: who cares
GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS
GC: TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T ( /1T1SYOU1SNT1T)
TG: ahahahahaha
TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on
TG: youre actually a pretty good troll
TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter
GC: TH4NKS D4V3
GC: TO B3 F41R
GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST
GC: SO
GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 ;]
DAVE: who were you talking to
DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off
DAVE: ok cool
DAVE: so now that youre a sprite
DAVE: do you know everything about the game
DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway
DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future
DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now
DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on
DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like
DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles
DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it
DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it
DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer
DAVE: alright
DAVE: here goes
DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome
DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business
DAVE: is he gonna be ok
DAVESPRITE: thats up to him
DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us
DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again
DAVE: ok
DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates
DAVESPRITE: even at a low level
DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you
DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together
DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever
DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time
DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics
DAVE: like what
DAVESPRITE: i dont know
DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did
DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah
DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through
DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan
DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea
DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later
DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds
DAVE: yeah sure
Dave fist-bumped Davesprite.
Meanwhile, a while back in the story, John opened Dave's package to him. There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.
It was a stuffed bunny! Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.
But no. It wasn't merely like that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny. This was so awesome!
Included was a note from his best bro Dave.
so hey
since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.
its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.
but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro.
then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah
peace dawg
tg
As John in the future flew up to the gate that would take him to fight the denizen, he thought back to this very letter and also to Dave's recent pesterlogs. He thought about his friendship with Dave, reconsidered his choice and spiraled off to the right with his rocket pack just before he passed through the gate.
TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what
EB: yeah, of course!
EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride.
TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me
TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood
TG: on a back to the future poster
EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate!
EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky.
TG: oh ok
TG: so you believe me then
TG: about future me
TG: and like
TG: him turning into a floating sword bird
EB: um...
EB: ok, i don't know anything about that...
EB: but it doesn't matter!
EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go.
EB: hey, can you hold on?
EB: i'm getting trolled again.
TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead
EB: ok, brb.
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.
CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.
CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.
CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.
CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE.
EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy.
EB: we don't hatch at all.
EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies.
CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME.
EB: what did i say?
CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID.
EB: i thought you didn't like going down that road?
EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations...
CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
EB: i dunno, that's what you just told me.
CG: WHATEVER, LOOK:
CG: EB: this is really weird...
CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch...
CG: EB: from like these slimy pods.
CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.
CG: CG: OH REALLY.
CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.
EB: hahaha!
EB: i was punking you dude!
EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation.
EB: thanks for the great prank idea.
CG: ARGH.
CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT.
EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank.
EB: don't you ever play pranks?
EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.
CG: WHAT, WHO.
EB: pffffff, you'll find out.
CG: WELL FINE.
CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF.
CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET.
CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE.
CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT.
CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we?
EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...
EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.
CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?
EB: yes, absolutely.
CG: I GUESS IT'S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS.
CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.
CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU.
EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!
CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING.
CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL.
CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS.
EB: you never answer my questions, though.
EB: how am i supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to?
CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES.
CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS.
CG: YOU'VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS...
CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS...
CG: AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF.
CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU.
CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU
CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY.
CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.
EB: ok...
EB: what's the point of the game.
CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.
EB: augh!
EB: fine.
EB: where are you now?
CG: IN THE MEDIUM.
CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS.
EB: no no, i know that!
EB: you already told me.
CG: I DID?
EB: yes, in your future.
CG: DAMMIT.
EB: what i mean is...
EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what?
EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can't see or know anything about you!
CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL.
CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.
EB: what's that?
CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS
CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS
CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING
CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS.
EB: derse?
CG: THE DARK PLANET.
CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.
EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?
CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA.
CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL.
CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!"
CG: IT'S INFURIATING.
EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors...
EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"?
CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE
CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA
CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING
CG: THAT'S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS.
EB: ok...
CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE
CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN
CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA
CG: TO DESTROY IT
CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN"
CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS.
EB: so then it's up to us to save it?
CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING
CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME
CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS
CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS
CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH
CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER
CG: AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU.
EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?
CG: THAT'S JUST IT.
CG: YOU DON'T.
CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT
CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER
CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE
CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE
CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE
CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME
CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT
CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO.
EB: oh no...
EB: what is it?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
CG: IT'S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY.
EB: yeah, well...
EB: maybe you're wrong!
EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us?
CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY.
EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge.
EB: hey, aren't you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor?
EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something?
CG: NO, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL.
CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE...
CG: BIG SEEDS.
EB: seeds?
EB: um...
EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there?
CG: STUFF LIKE...
CG: BUILDINGS
CG: FACILITIES
CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF.
EB: weird.
CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS.
CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES.
CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES.
EB: wow, i don't think i'm following this.
CG: YEAH NO SHIT!
CG: BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE
CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED.
CG: ANYWAY THAT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE'VE ALREADY HAD.
CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.
EB: ok, but wait...
EB: can you give a message to GC for me?
EB: tell her nice try.
CG: WHAT
CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU
CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.
EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.
EB: but whatever.
CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.
CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.
CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -