Batman is drunk.
Of course, with their luck, the Mad Hatter and the Joker would attack- completely coincidentally- when the majority of Gotham's heroic Batman family is incapacitated. By incapacitated, of course, we mean mostly blackout drunk.
Their master plan has been launched, and Dick and Harley are the only ones who can stop the villains. With some help from their wasted partners, of course. Everything erupts into chaos and the pair are left defending their family- as well as the hundreds of other people in the casino.
"Gotham," Mad Hatter grinned from the top of the staircase. His voice echoed in the loud atrium, and over the speaker system in the casino via a wireless mic clipped to his lapel. "A festering cesspool of the world's darkest character profiles, wallowing in their own filth and self-loathing. What better business venture than a casino; an escape from one's past, a reprieve from one's troubles; people come here for money, sex, food, entertainment of all kinds- it's a place utterly devoid of responsibility. A veritable Wonderland. No limitations, no- hesitations-" he glanced at Damian as he walked down the marble staircase, sweeping his hat off of his head as he bowed.
"I certainly hope mutilations are allowed," Joker laughed, grabbing the collar of Dick's shirt. Tim fell against Jason, holding himself upright on Jason's jacket. Bruce glared at him, but it was much less threatening due to the fact he couldn't stay upright on his own.
"What was that, Cheshire?" Hatter dithered, smiling placidly.
"Only an addition to the list," he said cheerily in return, grinning at Dick with Bruce still draped over his shoulder. "Where's your dear fiancee? I do hope she won't miss out on the fun. We had so much fun last time we were together," Joker quipped, referring to his kidnapping of Damian when Selina had been caught in his trap, too. "Did she tell you we shared a kiss that night? Perhaps against her will, but I choose to believe she rather enjoyed it."
"She should, as I've often seen a cat without a grin, but seldom the grin without a cat. What a curious thing, Chess!" Hatter cried, and they both laughed.
"I'll rip your tonsils out then you won't be laughing," Bruce slurred.
"Burn," Jason called.
"Oh Please, Mr. Wayne… you've lost your muchness," Hatter enunciated, dropping his hat on his curly mop of hair. Joker cocked his head.
"Dear Hatter, I do believe you were doing something," he grinned.
"Right," Hatter snapped his gloved fingers, flicking on the wireless microphone clipped to his lapel. "Dear people in my casino, there is no easy way to put this, but you've all fallen down the rabbit hole. You stepped into my world now, and all of you practical lawyers, you straightforward bankers, you bent politicians- will be as mad as me," he said forcefully, whirling as he walked back up the staircase. The cane in his hand cracked loudly against the marble steps as he went. Hatter spun on his heel at the top of the stairs. "In less than five minutes, my toxins will be spreading through the rooms, unseen and unnoticed, infecting your lungs and poisoning your minds. Soon, Arkham Asylum will be too small to hold the madness at bay."
People began panicking and racing for the doors; Dick yanked Bruce and Damian back out of the way. Tim and Jason stumbled after him as the mob of fleeing upper-class Gothamites pounded on the bulletproof glass, and the Joker laughed, joining the Hatter at the top of the staircase. The elevators opened and more people filed out, running for the doors.
"Bruce?" a voice demanded. He leaned around Dick and saw Selina. "What are you doing here?" Steph and Barbara were supporting each other behind her as Harley kept Cass from pitching forward into the crowd of people. "Why are you in my casino?" Selina yelled at Bruce.
"I think the Mad Hatter just announced this is his casino," Steph corrected her.
"You're ruining my party," Selina whined.
"I think that's also Hatter," Steph input, "and Joker." Harley watched the two figures on the staircase warily.
"You need to leave," Selina told Bruce.
"No you need to leave, we need to fight the bad guys," Tim ran over to Steph, drunkenly checking if she was alright by rubbing her face. "We need to fight the bad guys."
"No we need to fight the bad guys," Cass corrected.
"Boys are stupid!" Barbara cheered.
"Get off of me." Steph swatted at Tim's hands. "I have replaced you with a new Tim. He loves me."
"He's a gay stripper," Barbara told Tim.
"You picked a gay stripper over me?" Tim cried. Steph nodded seriously.
"He appreciates me. And has a nice body."
"I don't have a nice body?!" Tim shrieked, and Jason started laughing at him.
"Why are you doing this?!" Dick shouted at Hatter over the roar of the panicked people and the shouting of his family as Harley put a hand on his chest. He steadied Bruce.
"Because I can," Hatter replied in a scream. "I can't explain myself, see, if I'm really not myself anymore. And within minutes, none of these people will be, either!" he laughed. The Joker was grinning broadly, his eyes fixed on Harley. Dick glanced around.
"We have to disappear. We have to get them to safety, but…" he glanced up at the Joker watching them like a hawk. "Okay. I'll distract these two. Harley, you have to go find the maintenance room and turn off the ventilation system. The only way he could evenly disperse the toxin is through the heating system. Go disable it." Dick glanced nervously at their drunken family. Damian was shaking his head and trying to stay upright. He bit his lip. "What the hell do we do with them?!"
"They'll distract each other," Harley told him. Selina marched up to Bruce.
"I am mad at you," she told him. She jabbed him in the chest. "And… wow, that shirt is really nice on you." She put her hand on his chest muscles.
"Be careful and don't let any of them hurt themselves. I'll be right back so don't die. I have a great story about gay strippers to tell you." Harley flashed Dick a nervous smile before vanishing into the crowd.
"Jason my body is way better than yours!" Tim cried.
"It is," Steph sided with him. She grabbed Tim's arm. "Just look at these muscles. You're just a zombie," she accused Jason.
"I am not a- why does everyone call me a zombie?" Jason spread his arms and stumbled a bit. "Yeah well this zombie could fuck you cross-eyed, but you still want that skinny little-" he waved in Tim's general direction, lighting a cigarette between his lips. Two of the Joker's men had begun herding people back into the casino area.
"Wait- why are you- you're mad? I gotta help Dick-" Bruce stuttered to Selina, glancing over her shoulder. Dick yanked Tim's hoodie off of him and pulled the hood up so people couldn't see his face. The Joker met Dick halfway up the staircase and caught his fist when Dick threw a left hook. He grinned horribly.
"You being here is just happy coincidence," he hissed, and Dick threw a punch at his stomach. The Joker caught that hand and threw him back down the stairs. When he looked up, the Joker was gone, and Hatter was advancing on him. Cass appeared out of nowhere and tried to punch Hatter. Instead, she ended up falling on top of him, knocking them both to the ground.
"Take that, Scum!" she cried.
"I'm mad because I love you, and you love me," Selina accused Bruce. "No, that's not it. I'm mad because I love you, and you ignore me."
Tim was choking Jason. "Why would you say that to Steph?" he demanded. "Only I get to make sexual advances!"
"Well if you're not going to hit that anytime soon- She's the only Batgirl I haven't slept with- Cass the other night, Babs in a dream-" he coughed as Steph pried Tim's hands off of his neck.
"Why do you only get to hit on me!?" she demanded.
"Selina, we really need to do something," Bruce grabbed her wrist, but he had a hard time discerning any other thought but that. "Dick's gonna get himself killed-" Selina looked at her wrist and then up at Bruce.
"What the fuck is happening?!" Dick snapped in exasperation, shoving Cass out of harms way as Hatter swung his cane. Dick realized in alarm that the Joker must have gone after Harley, and the Hatter caught him in the back of the neck with the backswing. He gasped and cried out as Hatter pulled him up, the cane pressing against his throat as he was pinned to the wall. "Bruce-" he choked. "Bruce, he's- gone after- Harley- Help me-!"
"Because you're my Batgirl," Tim told Steph. "Well not like I own you, but like that- I mean that you're-" Steph cut him off with a kiss. Jason fist pumped. He pointed at them, trying to get Damian to look.
Cass tried to kick Hatter but only managed to clip his shoulder. It still caused Hatter to lose his hold on the cane.
"Take that! Yeah I don't need any help," Cass slurred, stumbling to the side.
"Before you help Dick, you need to help me," Selina told Bruce. She grabbed his face, accidentally smooshing his cheeks. Bruce's brow knit worriedly, like he couldn't remember why he needed to help Dick.
"Help you do what?" he asked blankly.
Dick gasped for air when the Hatter released him, and he punched him across the face, sweeping his legs out from under him. They were running out of time.
The maintenance room was boiling hot. Harley could already feel herself starting to sweat as she closed the last vent. She knew she should be thorough and find the toxin and remove it, but she was too anxious to get back to check on Dick to care. Harley turned around-
-and ran directly into the Joker. He caught her arms and- without warning- kissed her fervently; she was too shocked for the initial moment to do anything but kiss back. It was as familiar as Dick, as easy as riding a bicycle. His cold lips tasted sweet as he kissed her desperately.
Harley gasped and pushed him away. She kicked him full force into the boiler.
"Stay the hell away from me," she warned, wiping her mouth.
"Why?" he breathed, staring at her. His face was pained, and he glanced back at the dented boiler, limping closer to her.
"You pushed me out a window, tried to throw acid in my face, and stabbed me. Why do you think?" Harley backed away from him, glancing back at how far away the wall was behind her. To her surprise, the Joker immediately stopped advancing.
"You used to find that endearing. We used to be happy," he gasped and stumbled a bit, dropping to one knee at the pain in his chest. He must have broken ribs.
"I don't know why I ever found being your personal outlet for anger endearing, but I guess it took you actually wanting and trying to kill me to get past it," she spat, backing up further. "I guess that's a lie. It took Dick showing me it could be better than that to get past you."
"You can't mean that," he gasped, straightening a bit. He limped towards her, backing her against the wall as he stopped, barely a foot from her. He wasn't smiling anymore. He looked tired and weary.
"Yes I can. You disgust me."
"I repulse myself," he breathed, catching her face and kissing her again with everything he had. Joker pinched his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable, crippling blow to come. She punched him across the jaw.
"Get away from me," she hissed. He stumbled and grabbed his mouth, suppressing the urge to cry out in pain. He again dove forward. and his lips met hers.
"No!" she cried against his lips, shoving him away as hard as she could. He hit the ground, but knowing him so well, she was too scared to try and get around him. "Why can't you leave me alone?" She realized she was crying as she tried to wipe his lipstick off.
"Because- I love you-" he choked through the pain, and then laughed at his own words. He remained on the ground, barely bothering to lift his head as he licked his lips.
"No you don't. You just don't want to be lonely," Harley told him harshly. "You didn't love me when you had me, and now you're just lonely and miss the only person who actually cared. But it's too late."
"Could you care again?" he breathed, looking up at her. Harley shook her head.
"No. You've cost me too much. Caused me too much pain. I could never forgive you."
The Joker stared at her for a moment, and the barest emotion could be seen in his eyes; was it heartbreak? It was gone in a moment, and he suddenly laughed, grinning. His laughter escalated into a shrieking cackle as he yanked at his own hair. He stood and lunged for her. "Has he hurt you, yet? Does he have night terrors, does he wake you up with his screaming?! Has he begun his transformation yet!?" Joker shrieked. She'd never seen him look like this. It was like he'd finally, completely snapped. Despite the heat of the room, Harley felt cold.
"What are you talking about?"
Joker started to laugh darkly, his voice wheezing as he did, bent over a bit to avoid straining his broken ribs. "You'll see soon enough, Darling. Just you wait. He'll get worse, and worse, and worse until finally-" he let out a choked laugh- "he won't be flexible enough anymore. He'll shatter. And it will be your fault. You'll break him again."
"No," Harley snapped. "You're done hurting us. I may not have been able to help you, but you will not break him."
"It's too late. It's already begun," Joker laughed wildly, and he advanced on her; not for her this time, but for the control panels. He ducked her first blow.
"You're not gassing those people," she warned him. He ducked another punch and caught her by the throat, his silver dagger flashing as the tip pressed against her belly.
"No. You are." He grinned, spinning her to the control panels. "Turn them all back on."
"Please don't," Harley breathed, looking at the knife.
"Turn them on!" he screamed, the tip of the blade biting against her skin. Harley whimpered. After taking a deep breath, she quickly slid her arm across her stomach under the angle of the blade and pushed out so that the knife embedded itself in her forearm. Using her other hand, she chopped down on his fingers, breaking a couple to get him to release the knife. She cried out when she pulled the knife out of her arm.
"You are not gassing those people," she repeated in a weaker voice. The Joker cried out in outrage, not relenting, and threw her aside. He reached the control panels as a pen embedded itself in his hand; when he screamed and turned, Dick planted one foot on the Joker's leg and then cracked his knee across his face. The Joker fell to the ground and Dick kicked him in the stomach, dropping to his knees and grabbing the Joker's collar. He glared at him hatefully for a moment before hitting him across the face; he immediately knocked him out. Once he was motionless, Dick rushed to Harley.
"Are you okay? Did he hurt you!?" Dick checked her over, and then he looked at her arm. "It's not deep," he assured her, taking his hoodie off and wrapping it around her forearm. "Are you okay?" he repeated.
"Yeah," she looked down at the hoodie, "this is the only scratch he gave me."
"Thank God-" Dick held her close. "Look, the police are starting to show up, we apprehended the Hatter and-" he turned, and the Joker was gone. He stood and started for the door, but he hesitated. Instead, Dick returned back to Harley and helped her up, guiding her out. "We have to get out of here. Are you okay to drive the girls home?"
"Yeah. Is everyone okay?"
"Everyone's fine. Cass might have a concussion, but…" Dick helped Harley out of the boiler room and back towards the main hall. "We're all alive."