Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. They have been borrowed for entertainment purposes only without any commercial gain.
Mine
Chapter 37
"Quiet the Dragons of Worry and Fear"
The rain crashed against the windows while the wind blew furiously outside creating whirlwinds that, like little demons, sneaked their way through corners and stairs. Kerry hugged herself and mentally thanked God for being indoors and away from the rain. She opened the blinds and looking down, caught a glimpse of an ambulance coming through the bay. At that moment, Christina softly knocked the door, Kerry answered and the young assistant came in and placed some correspondence on top of Kerry's desk.
"Today's mail, Dr. Weaver…"
"Thanks Christine…"
"Dr. Weaver…Abby called and said she's only working till five…"
"Oh excellent…Thank you Chris…"
The assistant nodded and left. Kerry sighed and sat to check the incoming correspondence. An overnight FedEx envelope caught her attention and flipping it over, she was even more than surprised to learn it was from Kim.
Inside she found two envelopes; one small, creamy one that simply read "Kerry" and a bigger one, in fine linen paper with a ribbon around it. This one caught the redhead's attention and she wasted no time in opening it.
Kimberly Patricia Legaspi & Lorraine Alessandra Calligari
Request the pleasure of the company of
Dr. Kerry M. Weaver & Dr. Abigail M. Lockhart
As they celebrate their love by a
Commitment Ceremony
On Saturday 21st of July, 2008
At 2:30 pm at
Asilomar State Beach, Conference Center Area
RSVP by Saturday the 14th of July to 17 Neptune Road
Monterey CA 98745
Kerry looked at the piece of paper and read it over and over again. "Wow" –said the redhead- "Wow". She then opened the other envelope and read the note written by her ex-lover.
"Dear Kerry,
Yeah, I know I should have probably told you before and by now you've probably said "wow" at least three times…"
"Two, actually…although that doesn't diminish my surprise…"-said the redhead at loud as if in conversation with the blonde.
"We have spoken many times ever since you went back and while we brushed onto my personal life; our main topic of conversation has mostly been Abby and her wonderful recovery. Please, do not be angry at me…I just did not want to appear selfish or uncaring or even worse, aloof. I met Lorraine around 2 months after Abby's accident and I really did not feel it was proper for me to talk about how happy I was while you were having such difficult time. I met Lorraine at my mother's (of all places…) and we clicked from the start. She's a Music Professor at the University and a really kind, intelligent and interesting person whom I really hope you get to meet some day.
Please do try to consider coming over with your wife…"
Kerry felt something inside she could not identify; it was the first time ever that Kim has used the word "wife" to refer to Abby. It felt odd because it warmed her heart but separated her from Kimberly…all at the same time.
"…Abby. I have not seen her in a very long time and in a way, it would be a bit like celebrating her life too. Lorraine really wants to meet you both and my mother…well, you know Patricia... she just LOVES YOU. Like I do…
Yours,
Kim."
The redhead leaned back on her chair and closed her eyes, rubbing her eyelids with her fingertips.
"You okay Ker..?"
The redhead snapped back, opening her eyes and arms to welcome her wife. Abby leaned forward and kissed Kerry on the lips, lightly. "You alright? You seem tired..." –asked the brunette caressing Kerry's cheek.
"No, I'm fine…just surprised…Look at this…"-answered the older woman handing the invitation to her lover.
"Wow…"-said Abby as she read.
"Yup…my feelings exactly…"
"Kim's getting married…"-added the brunette locking her eyes with Kerry's.
"Uh huh…"
"And she's inviting us…"
"Yes…that came with this…"-and Kerry handed Abby the letter.
After reading it, she folded it back and placed it again tidily on its small envelope. "Wow…Uh…that was…fast…"-added the younger woman as she leant on the edge of her wife's desk.
"Why are you wearing scrubs Abigail Marjorie..? Weren't you wearing your nice black trousers this morning..?"-asked the redhead as she lifted her wife's lab coat all the way to Abby's waist.
"Chest tube spit on me..."
Kerry still looked at her with suspicion. Abby grabbed Kerry's hands, made her stand up and pulled her to herself lacing her arms around the redhead's waist. Smiling she looked slightly upwards, staring at Kerry. "That was the save of the day…the trousers got ruined though…"-whispered the brunette as she regarded Kerry with a loving look.
"What?" You looking at me funny Lockhart…"
"Funny? I am looking at you with loving eyes..."-said the young brunette with a tender grin.
"Maybe not funny but you're looking at me like you have something on your mind…"
"Maybe…-added Abigail smiling cheekily-…but before we get to…that…"
"Before we get to what?"
Abby just briefly frowned at Kerry. "Don't play dumb with me Kerry Weaver…or you actually thought I wouldn't notice..?"
"Notice what?"
"The way you swiftly changed the conversation…"
"When?"
"Just when I gave you back Kim's wedding invite…"
"Did I change the conversation?"
Abby nodded slowly, pouted, smiled tenderly and leaned over for a quick, gentle kiss. "You know you did and you did because you don't know how to feel about that invitation, right..?"
The redhead opened her eyes wide.
"It's okay…If I were you I think I'd be feeling a bunch of things at the same time…like…"
"Like what?"-pressed the redhead.
"Disbelief...genuine surprise…"
"I'll say..." –asked Kerry.
Abigail smiled and grazed her lips against Kerry's once again. "A bit…cheated, maybe?"
"Hmmm…" –nodded the redhead, for a moment looking saddened.
"I guess she didn't keep her promise, huh..?"
"Her promise? What promise..?"
Abby brought her right hand to Kerry's face, caressed it gently and answered, "the promise to love you forever…"
"Uh…that promise…she never made that promise to me…"
Abby looked at Kerry, pressing. "Well…actually she did…"
"But obviously she couldn't keep it…"-said Abby.
"Obviously not…"-whispered the redhead dropping her gaze as if in remembrance.
"I've felt that when Carter found Kem…"
Kerry snapped back in less than a second and locked her green eyes on her wife's. "You did..?"
"Uh huh…"
"But that was last year…Last year you were with me…We got married last year…"
"Uh…yeah…"
"But you never said anything…"
"Well, things were a bit different…for starters; he didn't invite us both to his wedding…"
"True…"
"Plus…-paused Abby tucking a loose lock of red hair behind Kerry's right ear-…I loved you, I was happier than I had ever been…"
"But you still felt..?"
"Yeah…weird…I felt like he had lied…like all his promises were a lie…even when I no longer cared for those promises…weird…"
"But still, you never said anything…"
"I didn't want to make you feel in any way unloved or unsafe because nothing of what I was feeling in regards to Carter's wedding really mattered at the end…I had moved on and my life was complete…happy…"
"Yeah…that's how I am feeling...It doesn't really matter but still...I'm sorry…"-she said as she brought her foreheads together.
Abby closed her eyes, feelings her wife's minty breath on her. "You have nothing to be sorry about Ker…Kim was not only the first woman you loved but someone who will always be your dear friend so…it's okay to feel those things…"
"Thank you my love…thank you…"-muttered Kerry an instant before she kissed her wife with some intent as to imprint the feelings of gratitude and love she was experiencing.
A few moments later, the women separated and smiled at each other.
"So...?"-asked Abigail.
"So…what..?"
"Are we going..? You want to..?"
"Is it not going to be weird..?"-asked Kerry.
"Nope, I promise…"
"If that's the case…we're going then…"
Abby pecked Kerry's lips again. "Thank you Ker…"
"No my angel…thank you…"
Patricia remembered later she heard something like a gushing of wind getting squeezed and an incredibly loud thud that startled her for a second or two, making her spill her hot drink.
"Shit"-yelled Patricia as she narrowly avoided getting burnt by her tea. "That girl is in so much trouble…Kimberly Patricia Legaspi!!!"
The older woman put her drink down and set off course to look for her daughter. "Kimberly!!!"
Kim was so furious that she also slammed the door to her bedroom with such a force, that the pin inside one of the hinges, snapped like a twig.
"Holy Lord!!! Is that child going to continue doing this?"
A minute later Patricia opened the door to her daughter's bedroom. "Have you gone mad Kimberly Patricia? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Leave me alone Patricia!!!"
"What? In case you have not noticed Kimberly, THIS IS MY HOME!!! So you better either get on with the program here or leave this very instant!!!"
"You throwing me out Mother?"
"You better start talking and stop slamming doors!!!"
"I'm old enough to do whatever I want, Patricia!!!"
"And you know what, child? SO AM I!!! So out!!! When you calm down and act like a normal person again, you may come back! So now, go!!! GO!!! OUT!!!"
Kim took her leather jacket and stormed out of her mother's home. Patricia tried to remember the last time she had seen Kimberly in such altered state but her memory failed her; while Kim –contrary to popular belief- was not the easiest person to get along with, she was rarely violent in any way. Something –thought the older woman- must have gone pretty badly.
Just as she was heading back to the patio with her tea to grade some tests, the door bell rang. "I bet she forgot her keys…"
And expecting to see her rabid daughter, Patricia was surprised to see her future daughter in law, standing at her door, looking miserable.
"Uh huh…so it was you…"
"I swear Pat I didn't do anything…"
Patricia leaned back and opened the door completely in a silent gesture of welcome. Lorraine walked in and Patricia noticed for the first time since she knew the fellow teacher, a real expression of sadness.
Patricia took pity on the younger woman who looked so distraught and kept quiet. Lacing her arm with Lorraine's she took her first to the bar, where she offered and served something stronger than the tea she was having and then led her to the patio. After both women had taken a seat and the fire was lit, she asked what had happened.
"I guess what happened was that I was stupid and she thought…or got…the wrong impression of something…"
"Care to elaborate..?"
"I stayed a bit behind working on a very difficult scherzo with Cynthia, my first violin…you know…the concertino…"
Patricia nodded.
"I had left Kim a message saying that I was going to be a bit late because I knew that Cynthia was having difficulties with this so I brought my violin and we played together until the girl -bless her- finally got the exact sequence perfectly so when she did…I was so happy I hugged her and then kissed her on the cheek…"
"And don't tell me…my idiotic daughter came in just at that moment…"
"Yeah…"
"And..?"
"At first, nothing. I didn't think anything of it because for me was like kissing a daughter, I mean…Cynthia could be my daughter and it was affection for a student…It was me feeling so proud of her…you know, right..?"
"Unfortunately my students are seldom that bright for me to want to kiss them…"
-answered Patricia with great sarcasm. "But I do understand the feeling yes…you feel so proud for their accomplishment…"
"Yes, exactly!"
"But then..?"
"Cynthia left and I picked up my stuff. Kim looked weird…not her usual smiling self but still, I didn't put two and two together…"
"Oh…so you didn't even get the hint..?"
"Apparently not…"
"Oi…bad sign…that probably made her even more furious and even more convinced she saw something that was just wrong…"
"Oh yeah…when we got to the car she let me have it…She told me that she couldn't marry me like this, that I couldn't be trusted, that someone sooner or later was going to find out and I was gonna get my butt kicked and that of course, I would deserve it…"
"She said all that..?"
"Yeah and of course, that didn't go well with my Italian temper and…"
"You had your first fight…"
"Yes…unfortunately…"
"She'll calm down…"
"I know she will…what worries me is the underlying reason for it…I was not really doing anything bad Pat and while I understand many of the unwritten laws of marriage, I refuse to let my life be changed that much! These are my dear students, these are people I have seen grow before my eyes…I will not stop myself from showing affection simply because Kimberly is too insecure to understand and accept this!"
"I agree…I just don't understand this insecurity though if anything, Kim has always been obnoxiously arrogant and cocky…'Ms. Thing', you know?"
Lorraine nodded.
"Did anything happen..?"
"Not that I know of…"
"Not to defend her Lo but Kim is lots of things and one of them is constant…she does not change her usual self and starts displaying odd traits without a reason…"
"I'm trying to remember if there was anything in our previous conversations or anything that I inadvertently did or say…unless…"
"Unless..?"
"In the back room I started to put some old photos and stuff from when I was with Camille…stuff I had not gotten around putting away or donating or…you know…"
"Okay…"
"Last Saturday we were home and she was taking a nap so I went to the room and kept on separating stuff…"
"What are you going to do with most of it..?"
"Some I am sending to her sister and mother in New Jersey and a few things I am keeping…some pictures, the letters…We talked a bit about that, Kim and I…"
"Do you think that you keeping those things is affecting her..?"
The brunette sighed. "I don't know…maybe…but that would be absurd though…"
"Perhaps but it would explain this whole thing…Maybe this is just fear…fear of not being good enough…fear you'll never forget your ex…fear…"
"Hmm…dunno…it seems far fetched though…I've never done anything to make her feel this vulnerable…"
The older Legaspi brought her right hand to Lorraine's right thigh, "You have to remember -my dearest- that adults are really just children with money…don't ever forget that…"
Lorraine smiled broadly and nodded to the words. "You are right Pat but…uh…some of us seem to have less money than others, don't you think?"
"Absolutely Maestro…absolutely…"
She felt tired. Actually not tired; exhausted. Her feet hurt, her eyes were half open and sore and all she desperately wanted to do was to slip into her bed and sleep. She still had another hour to go.
"Kinda makes you wish you were back in Med school, doesn't it..?" –asked Susan Lewis reviewing a chart.
"You have no idea…"
"Come on…I'll buy you some coffee Abs…"
And together the two women headed out to get some coffee from the Mart.
"How's Kerry..?"
"Beautiful…"-answered the brunette, smiling peacefully.
"Okay…Let me try that again…How's Kerry..?"
"Beautiful, I said…"-answered Abigail, this time sighing.
"Are you for real..?"
"What?
"Okay stop…you're freaking me out now…One thing is for you to be in love with your wife…perfectly okay…Another thing is you finding your wife beautiful…no problem! But you saying this twice with that moronic expression on your face…that's something else…"
"Uh…I dunno Susan, what do you want me to say? She is beautiful…and pregnant…"
"What, did you just say pregnant as in P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T?"
The brunette stopped and turned around, smiling broadly. "Yup…as of this morning…we're P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T..!"
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Aaaabbyyyyy..!" –shouted Susan loudly as she engulfed her old friend in a heartfelt hug. "Oh my god! But…but…"
"We discussed it when I got out of the hospital…Being without Kerry all those weeks…then the accident…all those days when I wasn't sure if things were ever going to go back to normal for us…It all made me…change…"
"But I thought that Kerry was not even going to try again and now…wow…"
"And you don't know the best part…"
"There's more..?"
"The baby…the baby is actually our baby…"
"Okay I remember you saying that your sex life was amazing but there's no way on earth that you got Kerry pregnant, Abs…"
"Funny, no…Eric did…"
"What?"
"We used his sperm which he gracefully donated…we did IUI…And on the very first attempt…tah dah!"
"Oh my god…so he or she can be like a little Abby or a little Eric..?"
"Or a little Kerry…"-added Abigail smiling and genuinely thrilled. "Actually…I'd love if he or she ended up looking like Kerry…
"Wow…this has got to be the best news ever…I mean…not that long ago you guys were separated and then…the accident…and now…"
"Yeah…"
The friends walked inside the Jumbo Mart and got their coffees. Minutes later, they crossed the street and sat on the bench outside the ER.
"Did I tell you that I was really mad at you that day..?"-said Susan, quietly right before she started to sip her coffee.
Abby shook her head in silence, allowing her friend the time to talk.
"First I was petrified…I was so frightened that you would die that I threw up all my breakfast right after I heard of your injuries…"
"I'm sorry Sue…"-said the brunette briefly squeezing her friend's arm.
"But afterwards I was angry, I was livid…"
"But…why..?"
Susan drank some more of her black coffee buying some time. "Because in my mind you had no business being in that transport playing super hero…I hated you for playing Wonder woman when you were just a regular girl…and my friend…"
Abby saw the fear and the silent plea in her friend's blue eyes. "I promise I won't do it again…I'm sorry…"
Susan pursed her lips and nodded. "Thank you…in any case things have changed now…-said the blonde with a smile-…you guys are pregnant and you'll both be mothers soon and knowing my boss the way I know her…"
"…transport duty days are over…" –said the two women at unison. The smile faded from her lips and Susan grew serious again remembering how very close she stood from not ever having moments like this anymore.
"Thank you for telling me Abby and no, don't worry….I won't tell anyone. Does anyone else know...?"
"Nope, besides Kerry, Janet and you…no one…not even my Mom knows yet…"
"Thank you Abs…"
The two women smiled but said nothing. None of them very good at expressing in words what they felt, they just allowed their smiles to reveal their feelings.
And together they went back to the hospital.
It was 6:30 in the afternoon when Lorraine finally parked her blue Lexus on the halfway empty parking lot. She had spent a good portion of the afternoon worrying about Kimberly first and looking for her, second. Finally, the brunette remembered something said in passing conversation and headed to the old Cypress Point where she was hoping she'd find her lover.
She did.
Kim was sitting in one of the benches, staring at the sea. The gentle breeze made her long, blonde hair, glide through the currents a bit like a kite's tail. Despondently, the blonde kept kicking the gravel with the point of her leather boots.
"You're going to ruin your boots if you keep that up…"
"I don't care…"
"Okay…fair enough…"
"You found me…"
Lorraine got closer to her lover but remained quiet trying to decide how to best approach Kimberly. After a few moments, she determined that it would be best to be direct.
"You actually think I'd do such a thing, Kim..?"
Kimberly shook her head, taking painful notice of the fact that her lover had called her 'Kim'.
"What is it then that you are so afraid of..?"
"Life…"
"Of life..?"
"Never been really afraid of it…till now…"
"But why, what happened..?"
"Nothing happened…I just…uh…what would I do if I were to lose you..?"
"But I'm not going anywhere…"-said the New Yorker with some irritation evident in her husky voice.
"But eventually…"
"Eventually…eventually yes Kim, life is like that! Eventually something will happen…one of us will get ill or we will separate or there will be an accident…we will separate yes, eventually…"
"I cannot bear that thought…"
"And what are you going to do, huh? Hide under a rock and not live..? That's the way life is…"
Lorraine sat next to Kimberly but said nothing. Years ago she had been in that same spot where Kim was except that Camille had been recently diagnosed and lay –gravely ill- in a hospital bed. "I know the fear you're feeling…"
Kim just looked up for the first time facing the older woman.
"It was a Thursday afternoon, two days after we had to rush Cammie to the ER…She had been diagnosed not that long ago…"
"What happened?"
"She almost died that day…"-answered the brunette with a deep ache in her voice Kim felt completely incompetent to erase.
"When they managed to get her breathing again, I stayed for a while more holding her hand until her Mom asked me to go home and get some rest, so I went…that's when it hit me…"
The blonde took her lover's hands and remained silent.
"I stayed home for three days. Didn't move much I remember…just sat there in the reclining chair in my room doing nothing, trying not to think or feel…I couldn't get up so I didn't go to work, change, sleep, I couldn't bring myself to see Cam…heck, I couldn't even eat…I thought that maybe if I didn't get out, if no one could find me…nothing would…the pain, the unknown…the fear…none of that would find me…I thought it would go away…pass me by…"
"But it didn't…"-whispered Kim.
"Ha…of course not…" –chuckled dryly the brunette.
"I'm sorry Lo…"
"You don't have to be sorry, cara…you just have to live, that's all…Let's live our life together and try to make each other happy and hope that when the pain catches unto us…"
"Please don't say it…"-whispered the blonde.
"When the pain catches unto us, we may feel we have lived long enough…"
"You lived long enough with Camille..?"
"No…but I was happy and would not change one minute I lived with her for the world…even if that would had prevented me from feeling the horrible pain of losing her…"
"You still love her..?"
"I will always love her…"
The blonde was a little taken aback by such categorical answer and her somewhat fragile heart begged her to ask. "You love me..?"
Lorraine smiled that one smile that always restored balance in Kim's world. "You know I do…I adore you Kimberly…"
"So you love us both…"
"Yes although in very different ways…Camille was my past…With her I learned to be the person I am today…You…You are my present and hopefully, my future…"
"You still want to marry me..?"
Lorraine shook her head and remembered a fragment of one of her all-time favourite movies, 'The Goodbye Girl'. "You really love a romantic scene, don't you? Of course I want to marry you...with every fiber of my being..."-muttered the brunette very lovingly.
"Can I ask you a favour..?"
"Anything, mio tesoro..."
"Kiss me..."
And she did.
(End of Chapter 37)