"I can still walk," Vin laughs as I carry her into the motel room. She decided not to go through with the surgery to remove the cancer. That the risk was too high and she'd rather spend her remaining days with us.

With emotions running high, Bull agreed to take Eleanor for the night so Vin could make arrangements after she passed from the cancer. She won't tell me her plans. Instead, she writes them in a journal for the community to read at a later time.

I'm scared for so many fucking reasons, and one of the main ones is because of Eleanor. Vin is going to sit with her later this week and tell her she's not just sick, but that it's cancer.

"It's very important that you try to make an effort with her tomorrow, Negan."

I know. I fucking know, but this kid doesn't want anything to fucking do with me. How is she going to take losing her mother and me as the consolation prize? "Vin, I want you to go through with the surgery."

"Negan, we've been over this."

"I used to think losing you on that table would be the worst thing, but I was wrong. Do you remember that day when I couldn't wake you up? I don't want that, Vin. Or god forbid Eleanor finds you. Don't you want to make love and it not hurt? The surgery will fix this. I know that shit is fucked and it's hard to think clearly, but we have to try." I pause before treading very lightly. "Lucille, my mother, there were no options for them. I know the chance is slim, and I can't even imagine the pain you're going to be in, but, Vin baby, we have a chance." I mentioned this briefly to her when we were back in Alexandria, but I want her to know just how serious I am about this.

"Ok... I'll do it."

I kiss her fingers before taking her to bed. There were other things that Vin and I could do, but I missed that connection we had being inside her. It makes me feel all the more guilty about what I did that ruined our time together. This hot kinky fuckery we could have been having for the last six years wasted. So here I am sobbing with an erection again… fuck.

I open my eyes when I feel Vin's lips against my ear.

"Please get dressed before Eleanor comes home and sees you." She gives another kiss to my temple before starting her day.

I'm just so goddamn exhausted from everything that I fall right back asleep. Whoops. And now I've got Eleanor staring down at me.

"Gross. You hug my mom naked?"

I rub the sleep from my eyes. "Kid, I'm not even awake and you're giving me shit. Neutral ground until the sun rises completely, deal?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

I'll take it.

"Why are you so much older than my mom?"

"I'm not that much older."

"I did the math. Fourteen years."

"Look, that shit doesn't matter when you love someone."

"But she doesn't love you. If she did, she'd say it back to you. Put some pants on, old ass. I'm hungry."

Goddamn, I mean, can she just fucking tell me how it is? Fuck.

Vin wants me to spend the day with Eleanor. It's awkward. I'm not father material, nor do I think Eleanor would ever allow that. "What are you doing?"

"It doesn't concern you, Negan."

"Look, kid. I'm here to fucking stay. So we can get along or just be fucked the rest of our lives."

"Lucky for me, you don't have long, old ass."

I don't know what's worse. That name, or my own daughter calling me Negan. "What do you usually do? Like go to school and shit?"

"I steal from other communities, and make everyone miserable."

"I deserved that."

"You're an asshole. Niko told me all about you. Leader my ass."

"Enough," Vin raises her voice when she comes into the room. "Go sit on your stool!"

"Why? Punish Niko!" She sits angrily down on the chair. "I heard Niko tell someone you're dumb to give the stupid ass another chance and I agree, mother."

I chase after Vin, grabbing her by the wrist when I catch up. "Wait! Vin, I know you're pissed, but truthfully, I deserve it. Niko probably thought I'd never find you guys. Now he's threatened and trying to cause issues. I'm done spending my time with games. Or being jealous or mad. Because I realize all that matters is having you. If Eleanor hates me for the rest of her life, I can't fault her for that. Just like I don't expect you to ever love me. What we have is more than I ever expected, but I know we won't ever get back to the days when you looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered. And then maybe you will, but that's when life fucks me and the cancer will take you." I can't speak anymore. Can't breathe. My legs give, and so do my tears as I sob like a child. "I'll be left here alone with no one, trying to raise a child who can't fucking stand me, and a bearded fuck laughing over my shoulder. An entire community wanting to exile me, but only keeps me out of respect for you." My fingers wrap around her shirt as I beg this woman on my knees. "How do I fix this shit? How do I make you see that I am a changed man?!"

"Alder," Simon calls confused.

Both of us look over at Simon. He's on the guard tower with binoculars.

I wipe my face, smearing my dignity across the back of my hand. Alder? "What?" I start for the tower. "That's impossible, I put him on my fence."

"I'm not mistaken. That's Alder. He's a biter though."

Vin goes out the front gates to see it for herself. She's in disbelief. "I didn't know you went back for them."

About the only peace I've had since everything fell to fuck. "After you shot me in Alexandria, we went back for Salvation Sixty Six. I killed the men by burning them alive in their compound. And drove Lucille in Alder's gaping trap. I hung him in the fence, but remember when you went back to Sanctuary? You said all the undead were off the fence." Yeah. That's him alright. No jaw having creepy looking motherfucker.

We nail a chain to the ground, then tie Alder by his neck. It's like an undead tether ball as he walks in circles. We put signs on him as a warning to those who rape or pillage.

"Negan—"

"I need a minute to myself," I tell Vin. Everything that's happening right now, I've just got to process the shit, and wait to be alone with Alder.

I know if Rick had his way, if the Saviors had their way, or any of the other communities had their way, this could very well be me. Before things fell, life was pretty cut and dry. You go to work so you can buy shit to distract you. You don't steal, murder, cheat. It's a whole new world now, but I need to stand up for old world values. It doesn't have to be the way that Alder made things. Hell, the way that I made things. It's just so fucking easy to fall into a routine like that, especially when everyone is looking to you for the answers. "Good riddance."

I knock softly before letting myself into Vin's room.

She closes the book she was reading Eleanor. "Please, go with Rei. I need to speak to your father."

"To the stupid ass," she mumbles.

"Stop this. Now!"

"Alright," Eleanor sasses before closing the door behind her.

Vin rubs her temples. "I blame you for her mouth."

Oh, bullshit. "I call bullshit on that one. This is karma for what a fucking smart ass you are. So, naturally, your child would have every ass name in the book nailed down."

She rolls her eyes with a laugh before becoming serious again. "Why did you go back for Salvation Sixty Six?"

"That was always the plan, Vin. I just got a little turned around along the way. Lost sight of who I am. I think trade with communities can be a good thing, but I went about it the wrong way."

"I'm sorry for shooting you. Truthfully, I accidentally did it, then got scared when that man threw me to the ground."

"I killed him for it. I was just so fucking angry at so many fucking things, but I am relieved to hear you didn't want me in the ground. Christ, I missed everything in your life. Taking care of you when shit fell to fuck. Being there for you when Eleanor was born. Now you're this badass leader of this fucking amazing place, thriving. It's so clear that you've never needed me. You're so fucking strong, Vin. You're going to beat the cancer. I know you are."

"Hmm, maybe you should leave before you jinx me."

"Fuck, you're probably right," I sigh, sinking my hands in my pockets. "If something does happen and you don't… uh. I'll take care of Eleanor. I know she hates me, but I'm never going to stop trying. I love you, Vin."

"I love you, too, Negan."

"Oh, great," Eleanor sighs as her hands slap her sides in a pout.

"Rei. Now!"

"Alright, I'm going! Jeez."

As soon as Vin turns around I claim her lips. Please don't let those words be the first and last time I hear them…

A/N I will have another update on Thursday.